Interview with Mr. Saturday Night .38 Special

 I saw him sitting on the stoop, picking his "teeth" with a toothpick.

"Whadda you lookin' at?"

"Uhh, Mr. Special?"

"Who's askin'?"

"It's me, Brain, Brain Smasher. I met you about twenty years ago, we did an interview?"

 Furrows brow, squints menacingly at me.

 "Yeah? YEAH, I remember you! You! You got me ina lotta hot water back then!
 It was supposed to be off the record. I had to lay low and get outta town for
 a couple of years! You caused me a lotta problems Smasher!"

 Steps threateningly towards me.

 "Well Mr. Special, you caused me a few problems too."

 Mr. Special chuckles, flashes famous evil grin.

 "Did you recover from your wounds Smasher?" Mr. Special laughs.

"Yes, I did",  I reply, "but I had to lay low for a while too and I couldn't leave town
 either, let alone the hospital bed."

"Yeah well, you shouldna pissed me off, besides, them witnesses said it was an
 accident, and I was provoked. And I didn't mean nothing, I just went off."

"What witnesses, I say, I never heard anything about any witnesses?"

"Did I say witnesses? It was just a  figure of speech. Pardone."
"It's nice to see you again, Smasher."

"Thanks, a kind word is always nice."

 "Yeah, well in my neighborhood a kind word goes far, but a kind word and a gun go farther."
 Mr.Special laughs.

 "Mr. Special I thought I would do a follow up interview with you after twenty years
 since you are in the news so much these days and your 'family' has decided to get out
 front in protecting you and there is a lot of interest in your activities."

"Sure, no problem."

"Ah Mr. Special since this is 'on the record' do you want a representative?"

 Pats crotch.
"I've got my NRA card right here pal. Chucky the Rat does all my representin'."

 "Okay, first off let's start with Columbine High"....

"HEY NOW, WAIT a  friggin minute. I was no where near that place,  I got hundreds a people
 that saw me all over everywhere. I already don tol the cops that.  I been checked out, see!"

"Well, what do you think happened at Columbine?
 Why did those kids start shooting their classmates?"

"HOW THE HELL should I know why? They was on dope. Or something.
 Maybe somebody did something to piss 'em off.  Who knows?  I ain't no shrink.
 They had them guns all nice an legal. Besides I heard it was them Jocks at the school that was
 threatening 'em, callin' 'em fags, doin' beat downs and shit. You gotta protect yourself, right?
 The way I heard it, (looks around quickly and in low voice), they had it comin'."

"Okay  Mr. Special, what about the little 6 year girl had her head blown off at
 school up in Michigan or those people killed in that church in Ft. Worth?"
 (Long Pause)

"Yeah, I heard about them. You know what Smasher, if everyone had guns and could carry
 and conceal them, people would be a lot nicer to each other and there would less trouble.
 Besides I think it should be our right as Americans to be able to have our own automatic
 weapon of choice. If you are big enough to pick it up, it's yours. As long as it's American made."
 (Looks at me and SMIRKS)

 "Lately Mr. Special, your activities have come under a lot of scrutiny."

 "Whadda you mean 'scrutiny'?"

 "Well, Sir, you've come under a lot of public criticism with all the shootings
 and your family has gone out on a public relations blitz to minimize your role
 in all the shootings and try and place the blame on other people."

"What family, I don't know what your talkin about."

"Well you got Chucky the Rat saying it was somebody else, you got Jr. who made it a law
where you can take guns into church, you got Big Pussy Wayne out saying you don't know
nothing about nothing. These people don't work for you?"

"Hey look Smasher, you know I can't be associatin' with no known felons.
 Besides if people want to step up and say nice things about me, I can't do
 nothing about it. Besides, they got rights. Forget aboudda it."

 "Mr. Special, there was shooting of an unarmed child about 5 blocks from here.
 Do you know anything about it?

(Shrugs shoulders)

 Brain Smasher sniffs the air. "You know Mr. Special as you've come closer to
 me, I can smell fresh gunpowder and isn't that powder residue on your hand?"

 "Smasher you are really starting to piss me off, I got witnesses say I been here all day.
I'm gettin' really angry Smasher, here I been all cooperative like and you accuse me
of killin' someone? You better get going Smasher, I might forgive you, but my Glock don't!"

"I, I," .........BANG!

 Actual Transcripts:

 "911, what is your emergency?" "Help, help, a little girl has been shot in
 the head here at the school by a 6 year old boy!"

 "911, What is your emergency?" "Help, come quickly, we're at........ right
 across the street at Columbine High, there's gunmen in the school killing
 people, Oh my God!"

 Mutual Network Reporter, Live broadcast, screaming and pandemonium in the
 background: "Oh my God, Senator Kennedy has been shot! Senator Kennedy has
 been shot! Rafer get the gun, GET THE GUN, GET THE GUN, (loud bang) I DON'T

Privacy Policy
. .