Got your Grey Goose?

Sears vs. BartCop

Filed 6/21/99

Payne County, Oklahoma
(Where the fuck is Payne County, Oklahoma?)

Case No: CJ-96-XXX
(Call the Payne County Court Clerk in Oklahoma.
 ASK if that's a real case, but be polite.)

Sears, Roebuck and Company, a New York Corporation


Mark Deller
(Who the hell is Mark Deller?)


KopCo Inc. d/b/a
KopCo Web Color Press
Knuckledrag, OK

"You are hereby summoned pursuant to the attached affidavit..."


Oh, Joy!
Oh, Rapture!

So, it begins...

Now and then something happens that just boggles.
I just can't believe that it's really happening to me.
I got served at 10 PM on July 1, 1999.
Big, ugly dude beats on my door at 10 at night.
Me and the Glock .40 went to the front door.


This is MY house, and it's on MY land.
This ain't Kosovo, mother-effer.
If you plan to beat on my door after dark, your last name better be Kevlar.

"Who is it?" I asked through the door.

"Process server. I have a subpoena," he barked back.

"Ha ha," is all I could come up with.
Sometimes, I think I'm the Quick-Witted Kid,
but the idea that somebody wants me in court took me by surprise.

"Who's the subpoena for?," I giggled.

"BartCop," this guys tells me.

So I open the door - he hands me the subpoena.
I was nice.
I was NOT rude to the man.
I was giggling like a smurf, but I wasn't rude.

I'm being sued.

ha ha

BartCop - getting sued.

By fucking Sears...

ha ha

Sears wants a piece of me?
Sears wants a piece of me?

ha ha

Woe to the plaintiff who sues Ol' BartCop.
I'll make them change their damn name.
They'll be Tears and Woebuck when this is over.

ha ha

What happened?
What would cause them to take this risk?
Did Halley's comet come back early?

Was there a virgin birth somewhere?

ha ha

Make 'em stop!

Sears wants to fuck with Ol' BartCop?
In court?

Is this an episode of Candid Camera?
Where's the camera?
Is that a camera over there?
Where's Allen Funt?

Oh, that's right, he's dead.
He's about as dead as Sears' chances of beating me in court.
Are they kidding?

This is like winning a lottery.
...and you know,'s just not fair,

ha ha

I like a good court fight, but this battle is already over.
Any of you people poker players out there?
Have you ever heard of a game called "High Chicago?"
It's a regular game of draw or stud poker, EXCEPT...
the guy with the high spade in the hole automatically
wins at least half the pot - guaranteed.

He wins.
He can't lose.
He wins automatically.
He even wins if Kenneth Starr indicts his cat.

ha ha

When you look at your cards for the first time, even before the first bet,
if you have the Ace of Spades in your hand, you can't lose - no matter what.

Even if Dan Quayle is your lawyer,
and the legal battle is over potatos, you can't lose.
That's what this is - a guaranteed win.

I can't lose.
I got the Ace.

ha ha

It's just not fair.
I have 300 trials under my belt,
300 wins with NO defeats,
and I get a slam-dunk like this?

Maybe there is a God.

Some poor schlep hands me a subpoena duces tecum,
at my front door ordering me to engage Sears's ass.
I'll engage them all right - with my waffle-stompers!
Regular readers know how much I LOOOOVE court action. smells like VICTORY to me,

ha ha

Jesus Heche Christ, I've never lost a trial.
When I began, it never occurred to me to "keep score,"
but I started in 1979 and I haven't lost any cases -yet.
Granted, the 300 is an estimate, but if you're really old,
you can rack up an impressive string if you start early,
and go to court every month, and, here's the real trick
- you pick and choose your cases.

Never go to court if there's a chance you can lose.
That's what makes Sears's action so senseless.

Juries are unpredictable, and...
Judges are only slightly smarter than juries.
Write that down.

Judges are only slightly smarter than juries.
That sounds cynical, but it's a fact.
Odds are, your opponent is even more stupid than the jury,
so you go after him first. And how do you do that?
Threaten testicle removal with a dull knife. every time,

Tell the ditto-monkey you'll make him bray like a donkey
in front of the whole courtroom and the judge. You tell him
you're going to make him do this for 20 humiliating minutes.

They always cave.

Court can be scary if you've never been there.
It can be really scary if you're going to lose, too.
When I'm extracting a pre-trial confession from one of my victims,
I'll ask them a BartCop-snare question, and they'll
whine some pitiful excuse that won't hunt and I say,
"Fine, Cubby. Tell it to the judge."

Nobody wants to stand before a judge.
Nobody except a veteran of 300 trials, maybe.
Koresh, the judge might be in a bad mood.

What if you're a plumber getting sued for malpractice
and the judge's wife ran off with the Roto-Rooter man?

Nobody wants to stand before a judge.
I think Sears' "Dream Team" is counting on me caving.

ha ha

This is so cool, I just can't fucking stand it!!
I'm getting sued by Sears!

Sears wants $923.19 from Ol' BartCop.
I assume they'll want attorney's fees, too.
I wonder what this attorney gets per hour?

Let's see... who is this guy?
The subpoena says his name is Steven Kloune, in OKC.

A clown?
Sears sent a clown after Ol' BartCop?

ha ha

I wonder if he's as good at being a lawyer as he is at being a detective?

Sears is suing "Web Color Press," which is owned by "BartKop."
I assume "Web Color Press,"  is some kind of www deal.


All of you might be called as witnesses to testify that I,
BartCop, don't know Dole about web-working.
How could I own a web business when I have an IQ of 64?


I've been trying to get my soon-to-be-killer webpage up for the longest damn time,
but I'm a liberal with ADD, so I have to wait until somebody can help me with html and FTP.
So, Sears has the wrong BartCop.

This is going to be SO cool.

First, I set up the BartCop snare.
Attorneys are so goddamn arrogant and ignorant.
(That's why they became attorneys.)

I laid the BartCop snare, and all the while...
playing the role of the little, whipped dog.

(Remind me, I have three BartCop trial stories written,
I just haven't found a context for 'em.
These trial stories are pretty good and they're all true.)

So I played the little whipped dog for Woebuck's clown.
I called this clown Friday and I begged him,

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease don't sue me."
"Please, don't sue me, Mr. Super-Lawyer."

ha ha

Oh, ...I'm a bad, bad man.

I told him I was appealling to his "sense of decency," and I *begged* him not to sue me.
It was Oscar-class groveling, not seen since the Jimmy Swaggert "I have sinned," episode.
Of course, he refused to drop the suit.

We argued a while longer and gradually I got up some steam...
and when I closed, I pretended to get all flustered and lose my temper and I warned
Clown-boy that he was making a "big mistake" by coming after me - a BIG mistake.
Stealthly, I placed the BartCop snare around his balls.

This cocky, pompous bastard assumed he was dealing with some Okie-rube
who didn't have the sense to avoid a pissing contest with "Bobby Law,"
so he got all huffy and puffy and threatened to blow ol' BartCop's house down.

ha ha

I got something he can blow down,

ha ha

This was so damn cool!

He's all cock-sure that he has Mr. SmartAss all jacked-up and on the hook,
so he was getting real cocky about teaching Mr. Smart-Ass BartCop a lesson.

I did to him what Clinton did to Starr:
I drove him completely nuts so he made it personal!
He wants to win this one REAL bad, here we go.

He wants to take me to court?
What if I refuse to go?
If I ignore the subpoena, they'll issue a bench warrant for me.
The judge will sign an order that I be brought to court.

ha ha

When I get dragged into court, the judge will ask me why I ignored
his order, and I'll tell the judge that I've already explained
to the lawyer-puta that he was making a big mistake.

Then I'll testify under oath that I've never owned a company
called "Web Color Press," and that lawyer-puta KNOWS this,
because I already told him this was a "big mistake," but ego-boy
CHOSE to waste the court's time with this senseless witchhunt.

ha ha

Then I'll give the Ol' BartCop snare a good YANK!
I love the little grunt they make when I do that.

ha ha

Make me stop!

If I pay the stenographer's fee, which should be cheap
because the trial will last only 15 minutes or so,
I could publish the transcript on
and we can all follow the blood-letting line-by-line,

No, wait!

I'll get my unemployed buddy Kurt to videotape it.
We'll call the tape "Battle of Little Big Horn II," and we'll sell copies to
up-and-coming lawyers as a "How Not to Fuck Up in Court" training video!

ha ha

I'll put the footage of this trial on the new
as a real audio file for my 140,000,000 readers, Koresh willing.

I could win this if Clarence "Slappy" Thomas was the judge!

Sears vs. BartCop
Trust me, Goliath doesn't have a chance.
Sears is just the kind of foe I like to bitch-slap in court.

I firmly believe we'll all see "President Gary Bauer"
before you see BartCop lose a dunker like this.

Oh, Oh, ...I'm getting drunk with power, ha ha

It's no fun beating up on Domino's Pizza or somebody small, but Sears is a 150 year-old
international mega-conglomerate with maybe 1,000 hot-shit attorneys on their payroll.
I'd enjoy adding Sears to my resume of victims.
I expect them to offer me a job when the beating's over.

ha ha

I'll bet the clown they hired to come after me,
the clown who can't tell his BartCops apart,
I'll bet this boner wears a red afro wig and big floppy shoes to court.

ha ha

I'll bet this clown arrives with nine other lawyers
all packed in a yellow Volkswagen, honking their horns!


Koresh, if I have to, I'll go to the Spy Shop in LA and buy a tie-clip camera with $2,000 of
my still-coming ADM money just to preserve this moment for law students everywhere.

Woebuck forgot Rule Number One: Cover your ass!

ha ha

If the timing works out, I may be able to post the trial time and date in advance so you
wealthier legal-types can fly in and see the massacre live. Then, maybe we could award
a free RL-LNW subscription to the most descriptive account of how little Davey's stone hit
the big, bad giant right between his billion-dollar eyes and knocked his fat ass to the ground.

If we spend the money, could we web-cast this?
Could we get a truck outside and infra-red the tie-cam signal
via cell-phone over the web live for everyone to see?

Sick Day!
Sick Day!
Call in drunk!

"Boss? Can't come to work today.
 BartCop is kicking Sears' ass live on the Internet."

ha ha

Wait, ...don't tell me how it could be done, or the Sears
clowns might say I had the web-savvy to pull this off,

ha ha

This is so goddamn Quayle-proof I can't stand it!
I have a feeling that before this whole deal is over I'm going to see the "softer side" of Sears.

If they can prove I own a company called "Web Color Press,"
then I'll kiss Rush's ass in Times Square at high noon.

Suddenly, time is moving veeeeeerrrrrrrry slowly.
I want to see how this ends NOW!

If the judge believes my TRUTHFUL testimony, that I am NOT the guy they're looking for,
and that I told Clownboy he was making a "big mistake,"
he could rule that the suit was frivolous in nature.

If that happens,
and it could,
he may award me the whole damn company in punative damages.

Then I'd change the name to Grey Goose and Woebuck.

ha ha

...Oh, God, I need a drink...

 back to

Privacy Policy
. .