How was your weekend?

I'll bet it was better than the weekend Tommy Morrison had.
Remember him?

He was the white guy in one of those Rocky movies.
Poor Tommy has HIV.
He has drinking and drug problems, too.

That means he has legal problems.

He was caught driving in Knuckledrag with a gasoline hose hanging out of the tank.
Poor bastard was drunker than Elizabeth Dole when he tried to fill up.
The station was closed, so Tommy just drove away, hose and all.

So, just last week he pled guilty to DWI and got a suspended sentence.
He was lucky, because he was on probation for beating his wife.
I'm not sure, but I think Tommy is a Republican.

All that was last week.

This week, Tommy got arrested again.
He was in Fayetteville, Arkansas, home of the undefeated Razorback football team.
(I have to get that in now - they play Alabama this Saturday.)
Tommy he got pulled over for erratic driving again.

Officers saw a "How to Manufacture Amphetamine" book in the front seat.
(I always carry my amphetamine books in the trunk.)
So they searched the car and found a loaded gun, six grams of cocaine,
marijuana, a couple of syringes plus the BIG one - no proof of insurance!
Tommy's going to be the toughest white boy in cellblock D.

For some reason, I thought of Scary Perry when I read this in the paper.

...and by the way, that red sentence?

The wackos that stole Mrs. BartCop's Cadillac were in the news again.
They caught scumbag #2 last night, here in Knuckledrag.
They busted him at a meth house with a dozen stolen cars, a cache of guns,
some teenage hookers and who knows what else, and then...

and then...

and then I get THIS CALL on my phone answering machine.

What the hell are the feds doing poking their heads into this?
A car gets stolen in Oklahoma, the perps shoot at some cops in Tennessee,
and now the U.S. Customs wants to interview Ol' BartCop?
I think I know what's going on here...

Kenneth Starr's revenge.

The bastard wants a piece of me.

I guess he got tired of my taunting his crooked, perverted ass for 18 months.
OK, Kenny, send your goons after me!
I met Susan McDougal last week.
What, you gonna scare me?

ha ha

Your boys going to sweat me, Kenneth?
Your boys going to put me in "the box," Kenneth?
Your boys going to make me admit something, Kenneth?
Your boys going to trick me into saying something, Kenneth?

Oh, no!
What if Starr's goons won't let me have an attorney?

ha ha

Yeah, Kenneth!
Why don't you try to hold me for 13 hours, like you did Monica?
I'll teach you something about the law, Judge Starr.

Yeah, Kenneth!
Scare me with your dire predictions so you can sweat some information out of me.
Something tells me you don't pull that shit with someone who fights back.
Tell ME I don't need my Mommy, "because I'm a big boy," you ugly bastard.

Yeah, come get me, Kenneth!
Mistreat me like you did poor, scared Monica and I'll take a goddamn swing at you.
Then, you could charge me with "Attacking a federal asshole,"
and we'll get a chance to see which one of us the jury likes more.

I'm going to insist eveything be videotaped so I can play back every word
right here at  for the pleasure of my law-abiding readers.

That alone is worth the charge of admission, right?
The FEDS want a piece of Ol' BartCop.
Maybe my wish is finally coming true.

If I can't get Dr. Laura or Pigboy or Bill Bennett or Paul Harvey to sue me,
maybe I can go a few rounds with the federal phone-book-slammers.

ha ha

I gotta tell you, I was ready for this whole stolen Cadillac thread to be over,
but it keeps making the news, and now Kenneth and the FEDS want a piece of Ol' BartCop?

ha ha

Kenneth, (Susan McDougal said he hates being called Kenneth) if you can
tie me to these meth wackos, I'll kiss your chalky-white ass on Larry King.

Yeah, that sounds like a bet!

Come get me, Kenneth.
Let's go a few rounds.
Let's see who outwits who, you stupid, perverted bastard.

Loser kisses the winner's ass on Larry King Live, Kenneth!

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