Trip Report
  October, 2001

 Security at the airports was double-stupid.

 You show your ID when you check your luggage.
 You show your ID when you go thru the metal detectors.
 You show your ID when you get your boarding pass.
 You show your ID when you board the plane.

 Hey - all the hijackers had valid IDs!
 That useless, feel-good measure means nothing!

 Are you guys just wanting more clues for after the plane crashes?
 That does not inspire confidence...
 And if it's so important to know who's getting on the plane,
 why bother to check the IDs three times prior to loading the plane?

 I have a sick, sad feeling that airline security is managed by the same
 clueless dunderheads who write sitcoms for the WB.

 Oh, here's a great idea - they've added a picture of a knife to the "no gun" pictures
 at the security check ins.  That's as effective as an old lady yelling "Come back here"
 to a man who just knocked her down and stole her purse.

 Are the airlines really run by complete morons?
 Can't we fix that?

 We took a 7 AM CST Southwest flight to San Jose.
 I got my aisle seat near the front, and scoped out some tall, extra-white dudes
 that I might ask to watch my back when I made my Rocky Calmus move on Hadji.

 Our first stop was in fabulous Las Vegas.

 The pilot said we were 30 minutes early, so he suggested we get off and gamble.
 Hey, it's important to follow the pilot's orders, right?

 I looked for a bar that was open at 7:45 AM.
 After all, this is Las Vegas, and besides, who wants to gamble sober?.
 The bar was open, but all they had was Cuervo, and it's always too early for Cuervo,
 so I reluctantly had no drinks.

 I read somewhere that Regis was making serious coin by recording sound bites for the
 new "Millionaire" slot machines, so we went looking for them. (She looooves her Regis.)

 We didn't find them, but we saw some new Elvis slots, and last time we were here
 she won $300 on the Love Me Tender slots, so we put a ten in and pulled the trigger.
 We got down to the second-last pull and she won 60 quarters - (that's $15 if you're from Palm Beach)
 so we figured that was a sign from God so we cashed out and left Las Vegas a winner!!!

 Reminder - When people say they came back from Vegas a winner, they are lying.
 But this one time, because we only had a few minutes for "gaming," it's true.

 As we waited for the plane to take us to San Jose, I bought a Vegas paper
 and read the Want Ads to see how bad the post-WTC labor situation was.

 First ad that caught my eye said, "Foxy Babes - make $1000 a day dancing. Apply in person,"
 and that reminded me of an old scam we never got around to pulling off.

 Here's what you do: You put that same ad in your local paper that says "$500 a day,"
 then set up your camcorder and invite your male pig friends to come over and watch the show.
 Then, say from 2-5 some Saturday afternoon, you "audition" dancers.

 They show up - you tell them to strip and dance real sexy - and when they're done,
 you thank them and tell them to be sure and leave their number on the ywllow pad.

 ...ain't nothing to it.

 So for about $20, you can have a whole city full of fabulous babes show up
 and dance naked for you and your beer-swilling drunken poker-playing friends.
 (If you do this in your town, I expect a copy of the tape for giving you the idea...)

 So the plane takes off again heading for San Jose.

 Here's a weird deal:

 We didn't change planes at Las Vegas, the same plane went on to San Jose.
 On the K-Drag to Vegas leg, we had slivers of ice - like a Cheetos cracker - in our drinks.
 But from Vegas to San Jose, same plane, we had thick, round, hollow ice cubes.
 I thought it was odd.

 I detected no Saudis on the flight, so I relaxed and read the paper.
 I read more about the WTC aftermath, and read that this was the biggest investigation in American history.
 They said the FBI had 7000 agents and support personel working this case.

 That's more agents than rooted around inside Clinton's zipper.


 That's more agents than rooted around inside Clinton's zipper.

 The FBI is taking the WTC bombing so seriously that they actually broke the Clinton record
 for most agents working a single case.   I was so goddamn impressed, I almost burst into
 America the Beautiful right there on the plane...  Let's hear it for the FBI!

 As long as we have so many of our special ops boys in the Middle East, don't we still owe Somalia
 a super-severe ass-whopping from that ugly shit in 1993?  I think as long as we're in the area anyway,
 we should drop in on those bahat chewers with a dozen rolls of duct tape, a blow torch and a pair
 of needle-nosed pliers and explain to each one of those sons of dogs the precise cost of dragging
 the bodies of our brave soldiers thru the streets.  There's a score that needs to be settled.

 ...that is, if it's OK with the Naderites and the doves...

 So we land in San Jose without incident.

 Mrs. BartCop has been nervous all morning, but now we're on the ground.
 (Good thing I didn't tell her of my plans to headbutt Hadji.)

 We got off the plane and I was struck by how many people were wearing turbans.
 We grabbed a rental (I told her anything but green) and headed towards San Fransisco.
 I called Marc Perkel and we got together for a quick lunch.

 Wait, that would mean we're different people, so it must not have happened...

 After lunch, we headed north on 101 looking to get out of town.

                       Golden Gate Bridge

 Past Napa Valley and past Sonoma Valley.
 She made me stop in Healdeburg where she bought some $17 bottle of wine that she didn't like.
 She wanted to buy some White Zinfandel, but all she found was black and sticky wine.

 Farther north we came into Mendocino County. It reminded me a little of Area 51.
 There were things flying all over the sky, but this time they were hawks, falcons and bald eagles.

  (picture not available)

 Before long it was time to get gas. Check this out:

 Oklahoma (voted for Bush) gas is $1.14
 California (voted for Gore) gas is $1.73

 If you think that's just a coincidence, you need to read every back issue of
 Our crooked Commander in Thief is punishing California for exercising their right to vote.

 A couple of hours later we started getting into big tree country.
 We saw a sign about "driving thru a tree" so that became a priority.

 I wasn't exactly sure where we were when we found the drive thru tree
 so I activated the Magellan "Never Lost" satellite system that Hertz uses.

 It's a useless piece of crap.
 Have you ever used the Yahoo maps?
 You know how they have that feature where you can zoom out?
 This worthless system doesn't even let you zoom out.

 Oh, sure, if you want to know the name of the street you're on, this might help, but since
 you can't zoom out, you'll never know what cities you're near, what county you're in,
 what state you're in etc., and you could be a half mile from your destination and never know it.

 But wait, I think I remember that Magellan had the same problem,

 Ferdinand Magellan  lost his way on the ocean through the winter and spring of 1521.
 His three remaining ships had been on the high seas for 100 days without spotting land.
 More lost than Smirk without Uncle Dick, his sailors were sick, dying and starving.
 Scurvy was rampant;  Boots and sails were chewed up and eaten, chased by water yellow with slime.
 Rats were caught and sold for food.  Wooden planks were cut up into sawdust and swallowed - that's how lost they were. maybe this "always lost" system is aptly named.

 We continued inching our way up Hiway 101.
 I kept seeing signs for Indian casinoes*, which was cool.
 I thought, "We'll grab us a room at the casino."

 But no...

 For some really stupid reason that's probably religious in nature,
 casinos outside Las Vegas won't rent you a room for the night.

 I mean, you're drinking, and gambling, and nobody wants you driving
 after you're won a lot and celebrated or lost a lot and thought,
 "Well, by Koresh, another $10 and I'll be drunker than hell."

 But in every non-Vegas casino I've seen west of the Mississippi River,
 they will NOT allow you to sleep it off in their casino, so you MUST
 get back in your car and drive drunk to appease the invisible ghosts.

 This is insanity.
 Lives are being lost because the casinos can't rent you a room.

 The problem isn't economics.
 Certainly, the rooms would pay for themselves immediately.
 Besides getting the room rent, they can sell more extra-profitable drinks if you're staying
 and they'd get that extra long-distance money from in-room calls, they'd get that breakfast
 money the next morning, more items are purchased from the Gift Shop and on and on.

 I'm just guessing, but I'll bet the "threat" of a woman making some money at these casinos
 is what's causing the extra highway carnage from the drunk drivers - and that's an outrage.

 Don't take the path that saves lives.
 Take the path the invisible ghosts want you to take.

 So, we drove past the casinos we would've rather patronized and that's a shame.
 Religious insanity should NOT control our lives.

 In the National Anthem, we sing, "the land of the free.." and I wish those words were true, but noooo.
 We're all slaves to the whims of wimpy politicians because they don't have the balls to say no to religious insanity.
 They're just too afraid to offend the voters who want to appease the invisible ghosts.

 <big Al Gore sigh>

 So we ended up staying at the Eureka, CA  Motel 6.

 But just when we thought karma was out to get us,
 we met someone who'd change everything.

 Click  Here  for Part 2

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