The Turnpike Scriptures
   by Stephen Sacco

I know you are actually trying, putting effort into, lobbying for your
immortal soul to go straight to pot, but I thought you might be
interested in this article I found in the The New York Review of Things
that People Outside of Manhattan Just Refuse To Understand, perhaps the
leading intellectual journal of our time, or any other, for that matter.

This article by Dr. P. Tentius of the University of William, Mary and
Fred clearly proves that there is a dog...God and that he (yes, He!!)
is very disappointed in the way you turned out after he (yes, HE!)
worked his fingers to the bone to send you to a good college and all
you learned was how to take drugs and chase women.

The relevant excerpt is as follows:

In late 2001, while dining at  the Paramus Mall food court, Irving
Windstein, age 14,  noticed a Styrofoam cup with an Orange Julius logo
on it hidden from view by craftily being placed on an unoccupied table.
Before somebody else could see the significance of what was bound to be
in the cup, Irving surreptitiously looked inside.  He hoped nobody else
would try to claim credit for this incredible find.

Inside the cup, as young Irving had expected, was a message from God
for all of humankind.  Carbon dating of these scrolls, known to
scientist by the technical name of "Pimple's Find"  (you have to see
Irving's face to understand), but more commonly referred to as the
Turnpike Scriptures (though it should be noted that Time/Warner Books
is due to publish these documents under the name Harry Potter pending a
lawsuit regarding international copy rights)  estimate that these
scriptures were written sometime  around 1 B. S. E. (Before September
Eleventh) and were written in some language other than English but
unknown to scholars.  "Obviously primitive," said one linguist, "almost
has if an uneducated high school dropout had composed them."

A team of scholars comprised of out-of work Ivy League graduates with
degree in things like philosophy, French poetry and theatre arts worked
tirelessly to translate these documents into something resembling the
English language.  Old Testament scholars believe that these scrolls
were written by "F," because "J" and "L" are currently collaborating on
a sitcom about a terrorist-fighting nun who invented a rocket pack that
attaches to the back of her habit (Margaret Mary, Rosary Rocketeer,
NBC, Sun., 6PM).

When asked why Old Testament scholars always use initials to describe
the authors of different passages, they replied that some people should
mind their own business and made a very rude gesture.  Next in my
investigation I traveled to Yale to have world-renown literary critic
Harold Bloom take a look at these texts.

"You see, " said Bloom emanating wisdom from his life of reading, "I'm old now.
You know.  I've written like 150 books and I just want to be left alone, okay?"
And with that he took his dozen Best Eaton donuts and coffee and walked back
to his car.  This time it was I who made the rude gesture.

"Dude, I'm like God!"  is how these holy scriptures start.  We learn
right off the bat that God is male and apparently has an incredibly
huge penis.  He says he can make a women orgasm fourteen times in
fifteen minutes, and the fifteenth minute is just for resting before he
can do it all over again.  Hard to believe  but apparently this is lost
scripture.  Scholars suggest that this is God the Son, because there is
a mention of what must be God the Father being sick and tired of paying
for his car insurance.  Also, in a telling passage something about holy
spirits, though some argue this is a reference to Vodka.

Almost out of the gate, the debate between the literalist and the symbolist
began.  "God's huge male organ in this passage," says the Rev. J. B. Good
of The Church of the Way Liberal Cool Jesus, "is not really a penis at all
but is meant to symbolize the members..."  At this the good, right Rev.
snickered and punched me on the arm..."I mean the members..."  more snickering.
"What I meant to say is that it stands for all the poor, needy people in the world
who need God's love and our money.  The 14 orgasm are clearly a statement
against the World Bank and its lending policies to third-world nations.
Yet, a rejection of Marxism."

To this the Rev. Thomas P. Dweebly replies, "Every word, every comma,
every ink splotch of the Turnpike Scriptures is truth."  He continues
with an air of certainty, "What else would a big penis be but a big
penis.  Believe me I should know."  He pauses to wink, "Let's just say
that God has blessed me."  He punches me in the arm.  "These scriptures
prove, beyond a doubt,  that God is a white, male, Republican-voting,
gay-hating, abortion-doctor-picketing American.  End of story!"

The Rev. Dweebly has been personally touched by these scriptures to the
point of changing the name of his church from First Baptist Church to
Church of the Fourteen Orgasm.  "Since the name change," he adds, "we
have lost some parishioners, but we've gained many more."  When I asked
him to elaborate he said, "Well, people who you never thought would
come..." at this Rev. Dweebly starts snickering.  After an hour, I
finish his sentence for him.

"Do you mean to say that people are coming to the Lord who would not
have come otherwise?"  At this he nods his head, still laughing and
punches me in the arm again.  My arm is beginning to hurt.

One of those new churchgoers is the porn actress Midnight Star, who,
through she has her doubts about religion, says that this looked like
the church for her.  "Every girl has to hope," she said.  "Believe me,
" she continues, adjusting her implants, "I've had fame, I've had men,
but it was the message of the Turnpike Scriptures where I really found
what I've been looking for all my life.  Let's just say I can't wait to
give myself to God.  It's a commitment that I make every day."

However, the Pope was less enthusiastic and was overheard saying, "I'm
like a hundred years old, I don't want to hear about no fourteen
orgasm!  This reminds me of my youth in Poland...Just mention Hitler
and 'this could be our last night' and boy those nickers came down!
 Too bad they were all Polish chicks."  A Vatican spokesperson was
quick to make a statement that sounded a lot like, "Don't listen to
him.  He's crazy.  He hasn't taken his medication."

However, there is no doubt that the finding of these documents is a
blessing to the faithful.  It's also a blessing for the cable TV
stations.  A spokesperson for A&E  said, "I was thanking God when I
found out, I mean people are getting sick of the Dead See Scrolls and
the documentaries made about them.  Also, how many repeats of Law and
Order can somebody watch?"

A spokesperson for the History Channel was beaming, "Maybe we can make
a documentary about this and beat that Emerald in the ratings.  What does it say
about our culture when food beats out D-Day every time? We have to be the first
to jump on this band wagon and lose our all-Hitler-all-the-time image.  We heard
that Animal Planet wanted to do a spot, but let's face it, that's just sick, but I'm
worried about LifeTime and the Woman's Network."

As scholars and religious leaders delve deeper and deeper into the mysteries of
these holy texts who know what a wealth of information and blessing we will receive.

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