Subject One

You know who's really in trouble?
The TV show "ER."

That show needs a CBC, two cc's of Halidol, chest X-rays and a Chem-7.
Granted, it's still in ratings heaven, but it's hemorrhaging BIG time.

How do I know?

One of the last characters anybody give a damn about is Carol Hathaway,
who's going to give birth to Doug Clooney's twins around Thanksgiving.
She's outta there, she's a goner.

NBC and Warner Brothers need for her to stay so badly, they offered her
$27,000,000 if she'd stay two more years.

Can you believe that?
That's almost Clinton Cock Hunt money.

She told them, "No, thanks."
Can you believe that?
Looks like Jullianna Margulles is nobody's whore.

Geez, if they offered me $27,000,000,
I'd do the two years and run as Hillary's VP in 2004.
You'd vote for a Hillary/BartCop ticket, right?

$27,000,000 for one character actress.
That's how badly they need to keep this show alive.
Nobody cares about the characters that are left.
They're in big trouble.

Subject Two

Have you been watching "West Wing?"

It might be getting to be the best show on TV.
The writing is very smart, some of the best.
I like the way they pick on Democrats, too.

On the Nov 4 episode, they explained why the surplus couldn't
be returned to the people in the form of tax cuts.

Some lower-level aide wanted a tax cut, because she was broke.
"You can't have the surplus money back. You might spend it wrong.
 We're Democrats. We take people's money. It's what we do."

ha ha

Later, he gave her a twenty and sent her for burgers.
The burgers cost $10, and he asked for his change.

She said, "You might not spend it correctly" and refused to give it back.

The best part was the bar scene, did you see it?
Zoe, the President's 19-year old daughter tricked the high-level staffers into taking her
to a bar in Georgetown. She keeps a panic button with her for obvious reasons.

The press secretary had her back to the wall and couldn't get up, so Zoe offered to
get her drink (A Grasshopper - how feminine!) from the bartender,
stupidly leaving her panic button back at the table.

Some drunk frat boys got fresh with her at the bar and blocked her exit, trapping her.
The others came to help, and the frat boys wanted to fight them all.
It was so cool, the Harold Ickes character secretly pressed the panic button
then tried to explain the situation to the bullies, saying,
"You boys are having a REALLY bad day, and you don't even know it yet."

Frat boy says, "Who's going to give us a bad day? You, faggot?"

Just then, "FEDERAL AGENTS" come screaming thru the door.
The Ickes guy pointed to the frat drunks and the feds really rousted them.
One fed roughly put a gun to frat boy's head and said,
"If you move an inch, I'll blow your damn brains out."

ha ha

Then, as the bully is being handcuffed, White House boy says, "By the way, if that
lump in your pocket is blow, you're going to do some time in a federal prison."

Sure, unless his daddy is rich and politically connected and can get a judge
to bury the arrest record and assign him a year of community service, instead.

What's more fun than seeing a bully get his?
I can't wait to see Pigboy get his, and I'd sure like to be the one to do it.

They closed this week's show with a cliffhanger about a battle carrier group
that's caught in a hurricane.  Sounds unlikely to me, because hurricanes move
about 30 miles per hour.  Can't our ships move faster than that?

Wait, let me guess...
Clinton's decimation of the military include outfitting our aircraft carriers 
with tiny four-cylinder motors from junked Barettas and Corsicas?

This is a really, really good show.
You should at least watch one or two and see if I'm right.

Subject Three

The X-Files, I fear, has lost it completely.
I hope I'm wrong, but it looks like it's time to pull the plug.
In the  November 14 episode, The Cigarette-Smoking man,
(who you know HAS to be a Republican) tells Fox he's his dad.

Some people might call that a significant plot development,
but it looks like a last-ditch effort to get people to watch.

In two weeks, Fox and Dana share a real kiss for the first time.
Gee, that sounds like the best idea since adding a baby to Mad About You.

Duchovny's leaving in 6 months, but the show already seems gone.
That's too bad.
In it's prime, X-Files was one of the all-time greats.

Subject Four

Those stupid million dollar game shows really blow.
The whole object is to waste time.
At least on Jeopardy, the show moves along at a pretty fast pace.

On Greed and Who Wants, all they do is waste time.
The first 8 questions are like, "What color is a banana?"

Then the endless, "Are you sure? Are you confident it's yellow?
Is that your final answer? Are you sure?"

Then, once they get to the mid-level money, all of a sudden it's,
"Name every work by Shakespeare, in alphabetical order,"
so they bail and they bring out the next dunderhead and ask him,
"Who is the president of the United States? Are you sure? Final answer?"

I predict these goofy shows will run a season and we'll be sick of them.

Subject Five

Looks like NYPD Blue will be coming back - in January.
It's just like a network to take one of their only hits and jerk it around.

Like X-Files, NYPD Blue was once great, but it's time to let it go.
Maybe before they go off the air, they could hire some young babe
and show her butt instead of showing us Dennis Franz's ass all the time.

Subject Final

I don't know what Michelle Pheiffer is or isn't doing in bed with David Kelley,
but every one of his shows, The Practice, Snoops and Ally McBeal,
has been flooded with stories about kinky sex.

Don't get me wrong, kinky sex can be a great source of humor,
but not every week on every show. Somebody needs to throw a bucket
of cold water on Ol' Dave and let him get back to the scripts from last year
that won him "Best Comedy" and "Best Drama."

I'm done now.

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