Remember the "Great Flood" we had at BartCop Manor last weekend?

 I'm in the middle of a scam.
 The insurance company told me to call "THE Restoration Company."
 I did, they showed up as dependable as Halliburton or Brown & Root.or
 Boot & Scoot or whatever those shell corporations of Cheney's are called.

 Truth is, the mighty Mississippi didn't run thru BartCop Manor for a week.
 We're talking about a 40 gallon water heater with an extra blowhole.

 So this "Restoration Company" shows up and declares BartCop Manor a federal disaster area.
 I didn't see the need, myself, but they seemed so sure, ...and what do I know?.

 So, it turns out, the guys in charge of fixing the place get to divine their own, no-other-bids repair estimate.
 The Pratt & Witney's have been here since f-ing Tuesday, and each day, these guys come by with these
 hand-held "moisture detectors," and they rub it on the wall and say, "Yep, it's still wet,"

 It's slightly bigger than a credit card, and they put their thumb on the buzzer,
 then scan the walls to see if any moisture is present.  "Buzz!  Buzz!"

 ha ha

 Isn't this the plot to a Beverly Hillbillies episode in 1967?

 The buzzer goes off when they press the button!!

 That's proof that three more monster fans are needed for a few more days.

 If you had hungry kids, and they asked you how many fan days it would take
 to dry a Pepsi spill, wouldn't you be tempted to say, "At least ten?"
 This is obviously a scam, and I want a piece of it or I'll expose the whole deal on my web site.

 ha ha

 I swear, every word is true.

 So Thursday, Insurance Inspector #6 showed up, and asked me how much damage there was.
 I'm sorry, but I do really, really well with open-ended questions.

 I told him "There was so much damage, I couldn't hardly believe it."
 He wrote that down - which means he's in on the scam, I've seen it a hundred times.
 (I'm old)

 Then, swear to Koresh, he says, "How many fans did they need, and for how many days?"

 Then this crooked idiot tells me the clean-up company gets paid
 according to the equipment needed to do the job.

 They get paid by the number of fans needed per day?
 This must be designed by Catholics!
 This rip-off couldn't be more transparent if Smirk was wearing it.

 Since I had the situation dicked (sorry, a mid-western, Catholic, cordical island colloquialism )
 I played the game to see how far the envelope would stretch.

 I told the truth - four Pratt & Whitneys for two days, three P&Ws four three days, plus the
 bad-boy industrial de-humidifier that put out like Ann Coulter at a Freedom Fries convention.

 But wait...
 That's a breach of bookkeeping ethics.
 You don't ask the Okie Rube what was supplied,  - you ask the supplier.
 So, naturally, it took tons and tons of equipment.
 This is how the B.F.E.E. works - well, this and murdering the innocent.

 What a scam!
 If I get $200 for every Band Aid on Bobby's knee, how many Band Aids will Bobby need?


 You don't ask the guy receiving the check if a bigger check wouldn't be better.

 Are you ready for the "piece of resistance?" (boycotting the French.)
 He says, "So, many hours did you spend cleaning up this terrible mess?"

 ha ha

 Koresh - that's a blank check

 I, being partly honest, started low-balling it.
"A couple of hours."

"Your sure? Looks like a big mess..."

"Well, I mean it was a nasty-ass mess for 2-3 days, but it's not like we spent..."

"So, Mrs. Bart helped, too? You BOTH spent time cleaning up this awful mess?"

 ha ha

 He's gotta be working on a percentage of the scam's gross profits.
 I wonder if he ever worked for the Texas GOP?

 He finally cajoled me into saying we spend 3 hours each on the spill, which means six billable hours.
 That's for sure true, and it's lowball considering the beating I took from Mrs. Bart.

 Like a good neighbor, my friend was coaching me into swindling his employer.

 ...and then it got worse...

 They're using me as their Tommy Dimwit.
 This is such a scam, and they've made me the lynchpin
 of their defense if they get caught.

 Can you imagine how cool this would be if my name came up?
 Oh Lord, let them put me on the witness stand and ask me questions - please?

 Have I told the story about testifying in the tow-truck trial?
 It was my only court experience as a hostile witness.

 So, the BIG insurance companies are running scams, using Okie rubes as their witness.
 They think I'll lie for them if they get caught .

 I blame Smirk.
 The whole country is bankrupt, and people are stealing to try to make ends meet.

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