"Welcome to Storm Watch on the
Keeping you Ahead of the Storm."
"Our top weather story at this hour is the band of showers that is
advancing on the southeast. For you folks in Atlanta, yes, this means you.
Right now our computer models are saying that the Atlanta metropolitan
region can expect temperatures to tumble into the upper 70s, and there
is a chance of localized wetting. I repeat, there is a chance for localized
wetting, so folks in the Atlanta metroplex region will want to be prepared.
Stay tuned to the Weather Channel for local and regional updates.
"When we come back, we'll explain how we missed that six foot snowfall
in Seattle yesterday because we were obsessing over ninety-degree
temperatures in Boston."
"Welcome to CNN News in Atlanta. Our top stories at this hour:
A potentially dangerous band of light showers is advancing on the
Atlanta region. Full coverage of that, and brief mention of that pesky
thermonuclear explosion in Paris this morning, when we come back
after a long series of ads aimed at dumb yuppies who make more
than $250K a year".
"I'm Dan Rather, and this is CBS. We're now going live to Atlanta,
where former journalist Marla Liaison is tracking this breaking story:"
"Yes, Dan. As you can see, I'm on Peachtree Avenue, where it is presently
sunny and eighty-five degrees. Birds are singing, and children are playing,
and nowhere is the sound of automatic gunfire and screams in the night as
Moslem fundamentalists continue to wreak havoc and genocide throughout
the troubled land of Algeria."
"Yes, Marla, but isn't there something going on concerning the weather there?"
"Eh? Yes, Dan. If you look closely at your monitor, you can see that
focused in on the southwestern sky, and just above the horizon, there is visible
a few wisps of high cloud. Those innocent-looking clouds are the forerunners of
this storm, which forecasters say is presently demolishing southeastern Alabama."
"Marla, what preparations are people making there?"
"Dan, people seem to be in a state of flat denial here. I spoke just
before with one woman who told me that she had seen showers come through
this region before and that she had never had any problems before, so she wasn't
taking any extra precautions now."
"How sad. I hope, for the sake of Atlanta, that she is an exception
to the rule.
But let me ask you this: just how serious IS this weather system?
What should our viewers expect?"
"Dan, viewers should expect that this story will have it's own animated
done in ominous and shifting shades of red and gold and with deep and slightly
discordant horns. This will serve to inform them that this is a major, major event,
and that we are pulling out the stops in calling attention to this event."
"Will the logos be as striking as the ones used during Desert Storm?"
"Dan, I think that is a very real possibility. Computer technology has
long way in just ten years, and it's possible the network won't even need to
hire musicians for the sound track any more."
"Marla, if I may be allowed to indulge for a minute here, I find it
we have the technology to do such things, but when it comes to the weather,
we are just as powerless as we were in the Garden of Eden."
"CNN has learned that President Clinton, advised of the approaching
Atlanta, has been in conference with meteorologists from the NWS-that's
National Weather Service, and NOAA-that's the National Oceanographic and
Aeronautics Association. They've been advising him on the developing system
in Georgia, and he is expected to address reporters from the Rose Garden at any
. . . and here he comes now, the President of the United States!"
"Good morning, my fellow Americans. As most of you know, there is a
system bearing down on Atlanta that I've been advised could unleash as much
as a half of an inch of rain in some locations. Needless to say, FEMA has been
notified, and the Federal Government stands by to assist in any way as it should
"My heart goes out to the good citizens of Atlanta, and my prayers.
As we all know, if you're a good Christian, you be fine.
"But there are some steps that citizens can take in order to prevent
My panel of experts has advised me that citizens in the affected areas should
do the following:
1) Stay indoors. Don't go out unless you want to.
2) Carry an umbrella, or a raincoat.
3) Avoid drafts.
4) Make sure you have tissue paper and cough syrup on hand.
5) Wear rubbers. Even if you aren't going out, it's a good idea. Heh, heh.
6) Keep your television on. TV makes politicians like me possible,
and I want to express my gratitude.
7) Pray. And if you aren't a good Christian, go to hell.
"Thank you. We are Americans. We are strong. We are devout.
We can kick Slobodan's ass. We'll get through this."
"In other capital news today, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott accused
President Clinton of not doing enough to address the problem of the storm
that is approaching Atlanta, and cited it as evidence of Mr. Clinton's, and
I quote, 'utter contempt for god-fearing, southern, white Americans who pay
their taxes and don't do drugs and don't get blow jobs in the Oval Office.'
"The White House responded that all reasonable steps were being taken.
Republican Congressman Bob Barr, whose district includes some of the
affected region, demanded that Congress investigate the White House's
lack of concern for the region, suggesting that bigotry against Southerners
was the cause. He then called for Mr. Clinton's impeachment."
"Wolf, CNN will be doing a three hour special on that tonight,
The Impeachment of a Liberal Dirtbag".
"That's right, and viewers will want to watch it so they can stay abreast
of this looming impeachment crisis."
"And now, back to our Special Bunker in Omaha, Nebraska, where our
multi-million dollar anchors are covering this story."
"The latest report from Atlanta is that the clouds have dissipated before
reaching the metropolitan area, and have spared the city1"
"Any reports of damage?"
"God is good. Stay tuned for our next overheated special:
Government and the Media: Why Nobody's Watching.
Thank you, and good night.
Not dead, in jail or a slave?
Thank a liberal!
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