--Pat Robertson, November 1993
Pat, does America need an Ayatollah?
I don't think so.
The NEW Senator Straddle!
Don Nickles is a Republican Senator from Oklahoma.
He's the second-most powerful Republican in the Senate.
I don't like him, but compared to Oklahoma's asshole,
Senator Jim Pissquick, he's Thomas Jefferson!
But... he's caught Bob Dole's Disease.
The King of Straddle is dead.
Long live the Straddle King!
Watch how he answers these questions, from last week's
Meet the Whore with Tim Russert:
Russert: Will Congress give Clinton the $13B he wants back
from the welfare reform bill that was passed?
Nickels: Well, we'll take a look at it!
Russert: What do you think about the First Lady's involvement?
Nickels: Well, we'll have to wait and see.
Russert: Can Hillary help the process?
Nickels: Some say she's a plus, some say she's a minus.
Russert: So, will America see any substantial reforms?
Nickels: We haven't had any leadership from the White House!
That's what it's all about. Leadership! Leadership!
KEERLY! KEERLY! For Merica!! For Merica!!
The Clever Wit of Bob Dornan
"I know a goddamn communist when I see one,
and Bill Clinton is redder than a spanked hookers's ass."
Great GOP Quotes
"It's not the pollution that's harming the environment,
it's the impurities in the air and water."
--Dan Quayle, Chicago 1988
Religious leaders called for a period of mourning for the "fallen warrior
Pat Robertson said he'd dedicate a day of 700 Club programming to raise funds for a Salvi memorial.
You remember him, right?
He's the dirty bastard who pumped bullets into seven people
who disagreed with his position on abortion.
Jerry Falwell called Salvi a "true patriot" and said
he'd name a building at Liberty University after him.
I suggest the dog obedience building.
Gary Bauer of the FRC said "America lost a values icon."
Phyilis Schlafly called it a "personal tragedy" and said:
"He is one of the few men that I find myself attracted to."
(I gotta throw up. Where's the bucket?)
These are "people of Christ," setting up monuments
to an asshole who shot innocent women to death?
And they say America lost her compass by voting for Clinton?
A joke to clean the palate...
When is it bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.....
From: Duane M,
I read your RL-TGMTEL (the greatest man to ever live)
or whatever it is you call your newsletter.
(It's Lying, Nazi Whore, Sir)
I even called Clarence Thomas's sex-line.
He talked DIRTY to me!!
(What did you expect from Pornoboy?)
It was an 800 number, but if I get a bill for the
twenty minutes I was online, I'm sending it to you!!!!
(You stayed 20 minutes?)
I also read your challenge to the G-man.
I sent him your name and address. Expect a call from him.
(There was no "challenge," it's a transcript from his show.
His ass has been kicked. Why would he bother?)
What about those teenagers who killed their newborn baby?
(I vehemently disagree with their actions. I consider what
they did murder, with mitigating circumstances.
I suggest jail time for them. Any questions?)
Why is it wrong to kill the newborn but its OK to
suck out its brain and not have it called murder?
(Molinari, D'Amato, Weld, Wilson, Pataki, Powell and
Mrs's Reagan, Butch and Dole support murder?
If I'm ever in trouble, don't "help" me, OK?
In America, we have LAWS! The Supreme Court RULED on this.
Abortion is LEGAL.
Infanticide is NOT.
Why do conservatives have so much trouble with laws?)
I know you don't believe that partial birth abortions exist,
but can you give it a good try anyway?
(There's NO SUCH THING as a partial-birth abortion.
That's a "cute" name chosen by the Coathanger Coalition,
for a surgical procedure called "an intact D&E."
Since "intact D&E" fails to incite dim-witted sheep to murder,
the C.C. changed it to something more flammable.
Then, when a wacko flips-out and shoots women and doctors,
the nutcases leading the pro-life movement say
"How can you POSSIBLY hold US responsible?")
Great GOP Quotes
"I ain't stoopid... not like they say... I'm SMART!!!
But some Americans think I have dian bramage!"
--Dan Quayle, January 1996
Pat Buchanan - Nazi Comedian
I was in Brazil the other day. I saw an old man, his grey hair
swept to one side, and he had a little, square moustache.
So, I stopped him, and said "Excuse me, are you Adolf Hitler?"
"Yar" he replied.
"What are you doing here? I thought you were dead."
"Everyone tinks I am, but I'm planning a Fourth Reich," he said.
"What will you do?" I asked.
"I vill kill 1,000,000 Jews and two Hedgehogs," he said smugly.
"Why two Hedgehogs?" I asked.
"You see?" he replied. "No one cares about zee Jews!!"
Y'know, that's not really all that funny!!
I, Pat Buchanan, don't really like World War II jokes.
They bring back sad memories for me.
My grandfather was a soldier in WW II.
He fought bravely in that war.
He died in a concentration camp.
He fell out of the guard tower.
When Clarence "Slappy" Thomas looks at Playgirl magazine,
they say he does a little "boxing with his trouser mouse."
BartCop vs. Liddy II
(This chronicles my on-going fax battles with G. Gordon Liddy,
the former White House attorney and NINE-time GOP felon.)
The second question was about abortion.
From the tape:
BartCop: If you can't answer these questions,
don't you owe your listeners an apology?
Question Two: IF a fetus, meaning an unborn baby, has rights,
would you support a trial and prison time
for a woman who miscarries negligently?
Liddy: Well, I don't see how THAT is possible. Miscarriage is
popular term that means "spontaneous abortion," which by
definition is an accident, and you cannot try and imprison
a woman for something that's not her fault.
A deliberate abortion, of course, IS that woman's fault.
So, that's THAT!
Isn't THAT special?
Mr. Super-White House attorney MISSED something!!
My question was written a certain way on purpose.
Maybe you sharper readers can tell me what the LAST word in the question
G. Gordon Liddy was staring at a paper with typed text, yet... yet... yet he MISSED
the word that was the fulcrum of the entire question.
How could an attorney worth twenty dollars MISS
the LONGEST word in a 19-word question?
Liddy says a woman who miscarries NEGLIGENTLY isn't at fault?
Let's look closely at that:
-Sally is pregnant.
She drinks 16 vodka shooters, gets on a Tilt-a-Whirl at the State Fair and miscarries.
Is the "baby" any LESS dead because a clinic wasn't involved?
One death is "murder," one is "OK?"
I don't SEE it that way.
I submit, if a fetus is a "baby," then a miscarriage MUST be
investigated as a possible homicide, according to pro-lifers.
What if Sally told her friends she didn't WANT the baby?
What if Sally told her friends she went on that Tilt-a-Whirl
HOPING it would cause the miscarriage?
A legal hearing might show INTENT to cause the "baby's" death.
That's murder, according to the pro-lifers.
For some reason, the pro-lifers excuse the "murder."
Yet... yet... yet if she does the same thing in a clinic,
the nutcases wail like flaming banshees!
LOOK at the evidence!
The REAL issue is the problem pro-lifers have with their position.
If abortion is murder, then miscarriage MIGHT EASILY be negligent homicide.
How would we know without a trial?
Since the pro-life boneheads know they'd look even MORE stupid if they
call for trials
for women who miscarry, they fucking PRETEND they don't understand the question!
Maybe you didn't HEAR me...
They PRETEND they don't understand the question!
That's their only way out.
In the BartCop snare!
If this was just some bonehead bulletin-board pro-lifer,
I wouldn't be cackling so much.
But this is G. Gordon Liddy!!
IQ-boy, the 'Conservative's conservative,"
the former White House attorney who, once again,
is CAUGHT like a RAT in ol' BartCop's trap!
I must confess, I really get off on making one of the premier
spokesmen for the Republican Party dance like a schoolgirl!
You might say I made G. Gordon Liddy "Scoot the Pooch!"
You know, I'll bet pro-lifers HATE IT when I'm right.
But, until Rush or Liddy can make ME "scoot the pooch,"
I claim victory, and rightly so!
Next up: Prayer in school!
BET on BartCop!
If you want to see Liddy dance the Watusi in a grass skirt,
watch your mailbox for round THREE!
Take your winnings from the homosexuality question,
add your winnings from the abortion question,
then double-down on prayer in school!
Conservatives, even the high-IQ best of the best,
crumble before me when they take the BartCop Quiz!
This fight is FIXED!
BET on BartCop.
By the way, I have this on tape.
Rush has been whining about "Independence Day."
He said it was "a terrible film."
But, you might wonder, why is he whining now?
The film's been out for eight months.
The reason is simple:
He can't be seen in public, because he's hated by half
of America, maybe more, and ignored by a quarter.
Sure, the other quarter loves his nazi ass.
Lotta good that does when you can't take your kids to a movie.
Rush can't take his kids to the park, the zoo - nowhere!
Remember, OJ kept a fake beard and glasses and a hat to take his kids to Disneyland.
Do you think Rush Limba could hide from the public?
Sure, he could wear a hat and beard,
but it'd be tiresome carrying the funhouse mirrors around all day.
The $25,000,000 a year is great, but at what cost?
Calling America's President "weak, foolish and crooked"
with our troops engaged in battle makes America a better place?
What will happen to the dittoheads when they discover their hero was
laughing at their
misplaced worship while he deposits $2,000,000.00 per fucking month in the bank?
Will they hunt him down with torches?
Will they lynch his lying, fat ass from a big, big oak tree?
Whatever happens, he deserves it.
Clarence Thomas was walking along the street with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
A passerby drove by and yelled: "Hey, where'd you get that?"
The parrot replied: "Africa!"
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