I was feelin' so bad.
I asked my family doctor just what I had.
I said, "Doctor, Doctor, Mr. M.D.,
can you tell me what's ailin' me?"
And he said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
He said, "You have Nu-monica."
I said, "What?"
He said, "You have Nu-monia."
For a second there, I thought I was going to get some oral sex
to cure me of this constant coughing. He wrote me a hundred
dollar prescription and said, "These are really strong drugs."
Take your best shot, Doc.
He wrote me a scrip for a drug to snort!
I haven't snorted anything since New Year's Eve 1989.
So he ordered me to sit in front of my computer for 4 days,
so the quality of bartcop.com is likely to take a nosedive
but the quantity should shoot up like a Davidian.
Every Vote Counts
Reporter: What's your opinion of Bill Clinton?
Woman: Well, I admit he's been a pretty good president,
and he's put an awful lot of money in my pocket,
but Clinton's not the right man for the job.
We need someone else in the White House,
someone who's a lot more dignified,
someone who's not such a partying playboy.
Reporter: So, who do you want to see as our next president?
Woman: George W. Bush
Really Severe Monkey Mail
Subject: Killing Time
Not a single word about Boy Clinton's very credible
claiming her very violent rape by your hero.
(her very violent rape by my hero?)
Accusing Ronald Reagan of "outspending" the Soviet
If you had paid attention in seventh grade you'd know the President
can't spend a penny. That's the way our Founding Fathers set it up.
(you know our Founding Fathers, they're the ones that
you claim said taking a dump in public is Freedom of Speech).
(I said taking a dump in public was free speech?)
Compare Reagan to your idol who liked to masturbate
in the sink
and jam cigars into the sexual organs of young girls there and who
received oral sex from said girl while speaking on the phone to
heads of state. ( God, I hope you're not a parent!)-
This behavior is apparently alright for you and your family
(your Dad must've been such a rogue)
(My Dad was a rogue?)
(How did your Mom feel about your Dad's behavior-
or was she too "busy" to care)
(My mother's feelings about my Dad's rogue behavior?)
I could go on, but it's no longer fun, it's too
West Hartford, Ct
I've been getting hate mail for a little over nine years.
I think yours was the most hate-filled note I've ever received.
Does Barbara feel the same way?
I hope things turn around for you.
Gene Lyons is a good writer who doesn't waste words.
As predicted right here on bartcop.com, even during the
widely-accepted portions of Clinton's State of the Union speech,
the camera caught Tom Delay and Armey the Foul-Mouthed Dick
smirking like a couple of gangbangers being sentenced to death.
I'm with you all the way on this one.
Some people become cops for the wrong reasons. I've known a
shitload of cops...many as mere acquaintances, several as close friends.
Although my buds were good guys to ME, the truth is they became
cops because they were the "type"...a little too much into guns,
a little too much into authority over others, a little too opinionated
about which groups or activites pose a threat to our nation.
Thank God for the ones who're cops for all the right reasons.
But firefighters, on the other hand -- is there any insincere reason
to go into that line of work? I can't think of a single one.
Many Americans still consider George Butch an unknown.
Does anybody outside his inner circle really know him at all?
Does anybody really know what kind of man he is?
What do Al Gore and Tony Soprano have in common?
They're both going to destroy a man called "Junior."
Be sure to check out gwbush.com
This is the site Blow Monkey attacked by name, saying,
"There should be limits to freedom."
Zack, the guy who runs gwbush.com sent me some e-mail.
He said he liked bartcop.com but he can't link to it because
the idiot Blow Monkey, in the same press conference where
he attacked good, old American freedom, said,
Zack's web site "has links to pornography."
Zack is going to sue his balls offf, which should be fun to watch,
but as far as bartcop.com having porno?
Those harmless pictures of naked Republicans?
Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers?
Patti Reagan and Arnold Schwartzegger?
Uh-Oh, Zack is right!
Those Dr. Laura pictures are disgusting.
Now I see why he can't have a link to bartcop.com,
because that horrid Schlessinger woman spread her legs and I
used those slut-whore pictures to demonstrate exactly what the
real Dr. Laura was really like under her Jack the Ripper exterior..
Good thinking, Zack!
When Blow Monkey asks what it'll take to settle this,
tell him you want him to apologize to you BY NAME
in a nationally televised press conference.
Make him pay, Zack!
Tyson in Mood to 'Kill' Francis
LONDON (Reuters) - Mike Tyson is in the mood to "kill"
Briton Julius Francis when they clash in a non-title heavyweight
bout in Manchester, England Saturday.
"I think I'm going to kill Julius Francis. I'm ready for this fight
I want it bad," the former undisputed world champion said Tuesday.
Tyson made his prediction on Sky Sports television, whose interviewer
suggested the American meant he intended to knock his opponent out,
rather than kill him.
"Well, I hope he gets up if he gets knocked out," Tyson responded.
"But that's just the motivation I have. I just want to fight and do well."
Tyson is expected to have a full meal before the fight.
Showtime has the bout Saturday night in the United States.
The St Louis Rams are a 5-3 favorite to beat the Tennesse Tittians
Sunday in the annual most-watched American sports event.
The Rams have previously enjoyed protection from the one, true
Catholic God, but His turf covered only the greater St. Louis area.
Sports fans across America were preparing for the big game with
food, drink and other essentials. One check list we saw contained:
- anti-pneumonia medicine and
- Chinaco luxury tequila
Trent Lott (R-Cro-Mag) has held meetings with NBC and ABC
about having an all-whites professional football league in the year 2002.
Network officials were said to have listened politely, but insiders
a league would only be popular in the six states the Republican nominee
is expected to carry this November.
Lott has scheduled more meetings in the fall.
The latest news on Derrick Thomas is that he can wiggle his toes.
Like with most people, Derrick was my favorite Kansas City Chief.
They say he'll never play football again, which is a goddamn shame,
because he was usually the most exciting player on the field.
Hang in there, Derrick, we're with you.
...and you kids out there - wear your seatbelts.
It's the middle of the night, here in Knuckledrag.
I can't get back to sleep because I'm still shaking like a
bunny from the worst nightmare I've ever had in my life.
I dreamed I died and went to Heaven.
It was just like the nuns taught me back in second grade.
There was lots of fluffy clouds and angels and everything,
and when I worked my way up to the Pearly Gates,
God saw me trying to hide and said, in a deep, spooky voice,
"Bring the Non-Believer to Me."
I knew I was in real trouble.
I tried to fast-talk my way out of it, but you can't fool God.
God said he had a very special hell designed just for Ol' BartCop.
Koresh, I'm still shaking just thinking about it...
God must've really been in a bad mood, because he put me
in a small room with the always-menstruating Paula Jones.
...and she wouldn't stop whining!
Here's what it sounded like.
I'll tell you what - it was so frightening, I'm going to take a
second look at this only-crazy-people-believe-in-God theory.
I sure don't want to share an eternity with that screeching slut.
The Senate race in New York is neck-and-neck.
How will the race shake out?
Regular readers know I'm not a big fan of Governor Blow Monkey
or his lovely wife Pickles, but I gotta stand up for her this one time.
In his first hour Friday, Pigboy Limbaugh unloaded on Pickles
for not having much of an identity independent of her husband.
He started accusing her of all these hateful motives as though
she was some kind of, ...dare I say it... liberal Democrat.
It was pretty ugly, even for the Pigboy.
Why would he attack poor Pickles this way?
I thought the Terrible Pigboy liked GW Bush, and you'd think
that admiration would apply to his wife, but Rush says, "No,"
because she hasn't done much besides marry a man who
seemed to be making a name for himself in this world.
What would cause Rush to attack Mrs. Butch this way?
Is it his stroke-addled brain?
Is he in the final stages of syphillis?
Or does he just hate everyone and everybody now?
I think this personal slur about Pickles was uncalled for.
Listen to this attack, then tell me why Rush hates her so.
Listen to the Pickles the Freeloader instant audio clip.
E-Mail BartCop with your explanation
For me, the highlight of 1999 was meeting Susan McDougal.
I've been trying to figure out a way to put the video of her
speech on the website, but that's gonna take some big bucks.
Until I find a sponsor for bartcop.com or, Koresh
put banners on my webpage to finance that, here's some
audio excerpts from the speech she gave that September night.
The Republican Party
The Fascist Dogs
Chris the Catholic, Rush the Pigboy and Pat Buchanan
Susan, you're the best.
What we need is Senator McDougal.
Poor CNN has the red-ass
With Clinton-cock-like breathless anticipation, they've been howling like the
Dogs of Doom over the coming Ultra-Uber-Ice Storm
for days, and so far all Atlanta is getting is a Superbowl and a sunburn.
"Please, God," they're praying.
"Paralyze the south with multi-glaciers so we don't look like such whores."
I hear Flip Spiceland bought a portable defibulator.
So far, the early bet on best Superbowl commercial is the Pack O' Beavers
who purloin the contents of a Budweiser truck they've hijacked.
Stealing Budweiser is a time-honored "victimless" crime.
I have a little beofer in my background, too
Here's a picture of a three-year old Ol' BartCop successfully hijacking
cases of Dad's Budweiser and storing them in my secret clubhouse in St Louis.
Until now, the crime had been unsolved.
A cocktail waitress at the Desert Inn in Las Vegas usually plays $21
of slots when she ends her shift, but this time, she put in an extra six dollars.
She won $35,000,000.00 and a marriage proposal from Pat Buchanan.
"She's younger and prettier than my present wife," the conservative
Catholic told reporters, "and I could really use that money to bring my
message of values and honor of family traditions that we all respect."
Isn't it amazing that the number one quality the GOP is looking for
in their presidential candidate this year is, "perceived electability,"
instead of the Democratic-honored, "most qualified?"
...and now, a word from our sponsor.
This ad paid for by the "Fuck Peace and Prosperity" committee.
I smell a rat.
Why is it when a television commercial tries to convince you to buy
brand of medicine, the pills cost between five and twenty cents each,
but when the doctor prescribes some pills, they cost $10 each?
Think about it.
If Dristan or Bufferrin or Cold-eeze or Ricola or Propecia cost $10
they wouldn't bother to advertise because they'd be out of business.
I know what you're saying:
Certain drugs cost more, and drug research is very expensive, and the
lawyers must be paid etc etc, but I still say that's all horseshit.
They want you to buy the pills that cost a dime,
but you must buy the pills that cost ten dollars each?
I smell a kickback rat.
There was a lot of punditry (Blow Monkey's favorite new word)
about the missing Supreme Court judges at last night's SotU speech.
Can you keep a secret?
It's off-the-record of course, but my top Supreme Court source said
of the judges flat-out refused to go to The Hill for the speech, to protest
the indignities put upon them by our most wreckless president, Bill Clinton.
So they all decided to stay home as a sign of noir-cloaked unity.
My source says the Court, as a hole, is very angry with Clinton,
and they had lots of comments, but once again, off-the-record.
They say he has "sullied the dignity of high office."
They say "Clinton didn't take his office seriously enough."
They are furious that he got away with his "adolescent behavior."
...and you know, there is a colonel of truth to that, maybe.
After all, we must have dignity from our highest leaders.
During the Clinton administraion I've had a few scathing comments
about this conservative gaggle of top-notch barristers, and maybe
I should've shown them a little more respect for them than I did.
I hereby apologize for insulting the dignity of the High Court.
By the way, the "protestors" sent a picture.
This is what America thinks of you motherless-whores.
You're the biggest bunch of loser-clowns in recent American history.
You're not fit to drink Clinton's dirty bathwater.
What's the aggregate I.Q. of you mentally-deficient Bobos?
Clarence could you stop honking Scalia's horn while I'm speaking?
Who did you people blow to get this patronage job, anyway?
Looks like Slappy still has a little dog food on his chin,
so we're pretty sure he's been with Senator Ralston Purina.
The three Emmitts in the middle really sum up this court. On the
you clowns have the fair-minded impartiality of Supreme Dragon Rehnquist,
the smoldering arrogance for the little people displayed by Billy Jack Scalia,
and the "brains" of the most incredibly-stupid ass in America, the original
Why-I-Feel-Guilty-Being-White Clarence "Slappy" Thomas.
Koresh, we could replace this pack of losers with Courtney Love,
Tinkie-Winkie, Johnny Rotten, Jim Varney, Jerry Lewis on Percs,
Scary Spice, an incestuous morphadite reject from Jerry Springer,
and two of Paula Jones's lawyers and gotten fairer decisions.
And the funniest part?
The right-wing, knuckledraggin', whitesonly Davidian militiamen agree.
Like Linda Tripp, you cumquats are at the bottom of everybody's barrel.
Special thanks to Reagan and Butch for appointing these flat-liners.
The NFL just announced Sunday's all-important coin toss
will be flipped by Bob Barr's secret bastard son, Snickers.
Snickers is considered good luck, because he was the Barr offspring
that the combative representative did not pay to have sucked into a sink.
Snickers is eight years old and he loves football, but doesn't know much
about it because his Daddy has never been around.
At approximately 6:10 EST, Snickers Barr will scream, "Call it."
Don't miss it.
More Superbowl News
CNN is reporting that yes, the football fix is in.
God contacted the CNN newscenter in Atlanta and said,
"Yes, I favor the St Louis Rams on Sunday."
Maybe next year.
Presidential candidate George W. Bush became irritated with reporter's
questions at a New Hampshire donut shop and threatened to "Vulcanize"
the next reporter that mentioned his flip-flop on abortion rights.
Bush Derided for Smirk, Smug Attitude in Editorial
MANCHESTER, N.H. (Reuters) - GOP front-runner George Bush was dubbed
"Gov. Smirk" and derided for "his smug attitude" by New Hampshire's biggest
newspaper on Friday, four days before the 2000 campaign's first primary.
The blistering front-page editorial in the Manchester Union Leader,
which has endorsed Bush's rival Steve Forbes for the GOP nomination,
was headed "Bush insults NH."
The newspaper, calling the Texas governor "an empty suit," said
it was clear
why Bush's ''handlers'' had kept his New Hampshire appearances "to a minimum."
"They were rightly concerned that his smug attitude and smart
would not do him any good,'' the editorial said.
"Some people say Gov. Smirk comes across that way because he's
But the conservative newspaper concluded after Wednesday's debate among the
five Republican contenders, "It is obvious that this is not nerves, it is nervy."
At a news conference, Bush told reporters he did not think the editorial
affect his chances with conservatives in New Hampshire.
"Fuck the Union Leader," screamed former front-runner Blow Monkey.
"They love Goofyboy Steve Forbes and they always have,'' he added.
The editorial called Butch a "double-talking Texan" and
accused him of
"ill-disguised contempt" for having to appear with his rivals and answer questions.
It said that attitude seemed to extend to the people of New Hampshire,
recalling Bush had said he would only defend the state keeping its
first-in-the-nation primary status if he wins on February 1.
Bush and his staff have said he was joking, but the Union Leader wrote
"the poor track record'' of his father, George Herbert Traitor Butch, and
"other mushy moderates, it is easy to believe he was dead serious."
You think this story isn't real?
You think this story isn't real?
The "buffoon thing" continues to haunt the Blow Monkey.
I'm telling you, he's cotton candy.
Another Good South Carolina Flag Cartoon
An old friend has put up a site.
In Arizona, he has, (or had) a talk radio show, just like Rush,
but without all that lying, Nazi hate.
Long ago, he promised he'd one day put BartCop on the radio.
Maybe that'll happen someday.
Subject: Pickles Bush, the Freeloader
The Pickles Freeloader attack Rush did on poor Dubya's wife?
there's another story.
A Tale of Two Women
In the late sixties, there were two bright, ambitious women.
Both went to great universities and distinguished themselves. Both went
to Washington DC after graduation, to jump-start their careers.
One wore short skirts and took up with a very powerful man who helped
get good assignments. This very powerful man was married at the time,
so he dumped his present wife and daughter and married the younger woman
with the short skirts, the one who owed her career to him.
The other young woman managed to get some good, though much lower profile
work, too. She met a bright, ambitious guy who just happened to be from
America's arm-pit, but she married him anyway. She gave up a promising
career and left Washington to move to back to America's arm-pit with him.
When they decided to have a family she stopped work until after their
daughter was attending school.
The first woman recently dropped out of the Republican Presidential
and the other is running for Senator from New York as a Democrat.
So, maybe Rush has a point about these terrible leech-women.
George W. Butch received another important endorsement yesterday.
Twelve-year old twins Johnny and Luther Htoo,
leaders of Burma's
"God's Army," resistance group, have come out for the Texas Governor.
"He's our boy," said Johnny, (left)
"We like the way he jabs bad guys with that needle, " said Luther.
Biff Todd, spokesman for Governor Butch, said
"Everybody likes the governor, and all endorsements are welcome."
R U Kidding? Mail
Subject: Slippin' on the humor scale ...
What's up with this piece of trash you dished up concerning Mrs. G. W. Bush?
I must have missed Mrs. G. W. Bush, our next First Lady, trying to socialize
health care. Or perhaps I've got my head under a rock and missed her (supposed)
run for the Senate in an adopted state. Come on, there's enough fodder out there
for you not to use Rush's rant against Hillary the carpetbagger and try to turn it
on our next First Lady, Mrs. G. W. Bush.
You mean Rush wasn't talking about Pickles when
How can you tell?
How can you tell?
Rush said it was terrible when women with no accomplishments
of their own
latch on to some guy who's going places, so they can then grab power.
Are you saying Pickles Butch is excluded from that group?
Please explain yourself.
Even the most liberal of democrats know that this
sound clip was directed at the
Sure, you can claim that, but if the shoe fits, ...you must admit.
But I do like your acknowledgment that G. W. Bush will win the Presidency.
Your best line so far.
G.W. Bush winning the White House would be proof there's a God,
so I'm not expecting that to happen.
On another issue: what's the difference between,
say, a Dr. Hairy-crotch Laura,
whoring for the Republicans, and a Susan Mc Lyer whoring for the democrats?
Gee, that's a tough one.
On one hand, we have a Ho'er making $20,000,000 each year reaching for
Clinton's cock while mangling those "lucky" enough to get on her hate show...
On the other hand we had a woman who chose to
do time in prison instead of
lying for an out-of-control political federal prosecutor with a constant hardon.
You're right - there's no difference.
The two women are identical.
She spewed enough hate-speech rhetoric against
Republicans to be arrested
in some states, (liberal states, I might add).
Please cite for me anything Susan said that wasn't true.
I worry about your loyalties to Mrs. BartCop,
the way you drool over Hillary
and her piano legs, and Susan jail-bird.
Funny, Mrs. BartCop isn't worried, but I'm touched
by your concern
By the way, please send a photo of your mother's legs and I'll post it.
That way, we can see what the legs of a real saint look like.
But I guess that being a liberal Clintonian makes
such transgressions OK.
Is that it?
How does your worry translate into my transgression?
I think you must have a degree from EIB University.
One more thought before I go: will you be first
in line to get a photo license
for your Glock, and whatever other people-killers you may own?
First in line?
I guess it's possible, but statistically improbable.
Are you willing to give up your Right to own arms?
I have guns of which the government has no knowledge.
As a 'government knows best democrat', you know
personal firearms are
anathema to the party; when will you be giving up yours for the good of the State?
Previously asked and answered.
I disagree with the NRA's position that every home needs a dozen howitzers.
I also disagree that every home should be gunless.
A fair balance in the middle is fine with me.
Just checkin' in with some stuff to ponder...,
Mark J. Latzko
Don't be a stranger.
Sometimes I get writer's block, and you're a fountain.
This just in...
The Manchester Union-Leader says Atlanta Brave's pitcher John Rocker
now has eleven percent of the Republican vote in New hampshire.
(Note to GOP - he's only 25, and cannot be elected president,
at least not for another ten years.)
Great How-Do-They-Think Quotes
"What has Bill Clinton ever done for this country,
besides send it to hell in a faggot's handbasket?"
-- A promo run by the Knuckledrag AM radio station KRMG
(918-460-KRMG - Michael Del Giorno, General Manager)
...and Mark Latsko wonders why I own a gun?
Letter to the Ediotr
I'm so glad Mr. Bush finally told the America voter he is backing the
platform that prohibits all abortions, even those due to rape, or incest or
those which would save the life of the voter.
Outlawing all abortions would send American women into dark alleys.
It would send America back to the Dark Ages. Any woman who would
vote to restrict her own rights is either brain-dead or belongs to an extremist
right-wing religious sect with their husband telling them how to vote.
If you like the Dark Ages, the Texas governor has a road map.
Who's marriage is more stable?
Hillary Clinton's marriage?
Or her opponent's marriage?
Great Partially-Stable Quotes
"It's time we took back our canal."
-- Alan Keyes, threatening Panama
What is a Republican?
by Richard Reeves
There are two definitions:
1. A Republican is someone who hates Bill and Hillary so much,
he can't think straight.
2. A Republican is someone who hates Bill and Hillary so much,
he can't think at all.
When Steve Forbes, Alan Keyes and Gary Bauer speak,
they make Pat Buchanan look like Abraham Lincoln.
Subject: Rush attacking Pickles Bush for
He sounded very bitter.
A look into a past marriage would probably clear up this point fast.
How many times has Rush been married?
Rush is headed for divorce number three,
and this one will be very, very expensive.
Reminder: They met in a sexual chat room on the Internet.
Poor Rush, doing his best to find the right words,
but his stroke-addled brain is betraying him.
Tell 'em, Rush
How many times in the last eight years has the Terrible Pigboy
accused Bill Clinton of being, "the biggest liar of all time?"
Well, all that's out the window now. It's all over.
Those eight years of guarantees by Rush are no longer valid.
Well, I'll let you hear it straight from the Pig's mouth.
Isn't that a shame?
Eight years of Rush's personal guarantee - down the drain.
If anybody needs a ride to the Superbowl,
contact the formerly honorable Henry Hyde.
Henry's a big Tennesse Tittian fan
and he's in the mood to party!!
But don't worry, Henry is a good driver!
You've probably read the same reports I have about George W Butch
being the cheapest bastard this side of Rush Limba.
I'm here to tell you it's not true, and I found proof:
Dennis Miller Big Screen Segment
Watch Dennis Miller every Friday on HBO
Nobody else will say it, so I'm going to say it:
The GOP/KKK Hates Blacks.
The Republican Party is run by
You know it's true and the whole country knows it's true.
Remember when Hawaii flirted
with gay marriages?
The racist bastards said, "We can't allow that," and fought the state.
Remember when Oregon passed the
Assisted Suicide Law?
The racist bastards said, "We can't allow that," and fought the state.
Remember when California wanted
to teach kids in Spanish?
The racist bastards said, "We can't allow that," and fought the state.
But, the South Carolina Republicans
fly a dirty, racist flag?
"This is a State Decision.
It's None of Our Business"
The Republican/KKK raises money
with their non-stop racism.
They enjoy taunting blacks by flying that racist flag.
Trent Lott, the highest-ranking
Senator in America is openly racist.
He's belongs to racist organizations, as does Bob Barr and other cavemen.
Why do you think Lott, Barr, Newt and Burton impeached Clinton?
Why do you think Richard Mellon Scaife pays for Clinton scandals?
Because Clinton is a "nigger-lover,"
and the "nigger-lovers" must be stopped!
Three feet north of this sentence
is a audio clip of Rush saying,
"Gore lied more in that one sentence than Clinton in his whole life."
You know why Rush Limbaugh said that?
Because Gore is a "nigger-lover,"
and the "nigger-lovers" must be stopped.
Where the hell is Uncle OJ Watts?
Why doesn't he call a press conference on the Capitol steps and say,
"If my party, the Party of Lincoln,
doesn't immediately withdraw their support
for this terrible symbol of racism, I'll leave this party and join the Democrats,
because I cannot stand to be a member of a party that hates my people."
(We wouldn't take him. We don't want a traitor in our party.)
But he's not going to call that press conference, you know why?
Because he's a whore, that's
He's selling out his own people for money and power.
It's the goddamn year 2000, and
the GOP still openly hates blacks?
What kind of country do we live
A terribly racist country, that's what kind of country we live in.
The fact that the Democrats don't
win every national election
by a 90/10 margin proves just how racist this country still is.
That makes me fucking sick.
...and you religious frauds are
the very, very worst of the bunch.
Using Christ to mask your hatred of blacks.
...and Lincoln, too.
Using Lincoln's name to fight
the same goddamn flag he defeated?
Lincoln died to overthrow that flag, you nutty sons-of-bitches,
and you honor his legacy by raising that flag every day?
Shame, shame on the religious
Shame on the Republican/KKK for their hatred.
Think I'm wrong?
But you won't.
Because you know I'm right.