Vol 190 - Great Ceasar's Ghost

April 15, 2000

Cal Ripken

Cal Ripken got his 3,000th hit tonight.

....tears in my eyes.

Not a baseball fan?
Don't need to be.

All you need to know is only 24 people in history have done that.
Only SEVEN men have done that and hit 400 home runs.
That's rare air, indeed.
It couldn't happen to a nice guy.

Remember when Cal beat his wife?
Remember when Cal was in a drug bust?
Remember when Cal held out for more money?
Remember when Cal told the cop to fuck off?
Remember when Cal whined to the media?

No you don't remember that,
because it didn't fucking happen!

How rare is Cal Ripken?

Let me drag you, one more time, thru my favorite sports moment.
(Maybe tied with a certain Cardinal slugger's impossible season)

When Cal Ripken did the impossible, when he broke Lou Gehrig's
impossible-to-break consecutive games played at 2130 games,
the crowd went postal and Cal just wanted the game to continue.

His teammates forced him out onto the field to take a victory lap
around the park, and remember what made it so extra special?

Chris Berman, the ESPN announcer, had the class to remain silent.
Let me say that again, in case the cameras didn't catch it.

I salute a member of the press, Chris Berman, a man of class.

I'll never forget that 7 minutes as long as I live.
The stadium was like Times Square at New Year's Eve,
Cal was reluctantly trotting around the stadium waving to fans,
and ESPN's Chris Berman had the class and the integrity to realize
that this magic moment - like fine, luxury tequila - didn't "need" anything.

Swear to Koresh, Chris Berman didn't say a word for at least 5 minutes.
The viewer heard nothing but the roar of the crowd - for the first time.

Ripken and Berman gave me a gift I'll never forget.

Chris Berman?
If I ever see you in an airport or somewhere,
I'd like to shake your hand and buy you a drink.
It makes my heart warm that there's at least one man in America
who understands the gravity of a huge moment.

I salute Chris back-back-back-back Berman,
for having the class that Bob motor-mouth Costas once had.

And more than a salute,
A shot of Chinaco for Cal Ripken, the new Iron Man of baseball.

Mail Bag

From:  Nmmeeks@aol.com

Subject:  pandermania

Wasn't it Melonhead Burton who first commanded the national
spotlight on Elian by insuring that he was kept in the US of A and not
sent back to his "evil" father by subpoenaing him to appear before
the House Reform and oversight Committee?

Did you know that Melonballs has collected more
than 6 times the money for his congressional race from
Tampa/St. Pete/Clearwater/Miami than he has from his own district?

In fact, of the six zipcodes giving the most money to Burton
the top five are all from Florida.

It seems to me like he defines pandering.


 Po' Kenny

 It seems Kenneth Starr has made another mistake.

 Click Here  for the full story

 Liberal Hollywood Clinton Haters  (w/Update)

 Let's make a list of the liberals who should be backing the most
 successful Democratic president since Roosevelt, but aren't.

 If you know of a liberal Hollywood or Show Biz Clinton hater,
 send me the story or the URL.

 To avoid any legal problems, don't write the story yourself saying,
 I hear Florence Henderson hates Clinton," even tho that's true.
 Send me some documentation, and we'll make a list of bad good guys.

 First on the list is Mr. Form Letter, James Woods
 More to come.

 If nothing else,
 we'll make this list and when a they have a new movie,
 we'll give a really bad review and make fun of it.

 ...and Rob Lowe, you, of all people, better not be guilty.

 Whoa, boy!
 The reports I've been hearing about you going around
 trashing Clinton better be exaggerated, my friend.


 Bruce Willis
 Source: George Magazine, Aug. 1998

 I know Bruce isn't a liberal, and we should expect him to be
 petty and shitty about anything from the correct side of the aisle,
 but check out the choice of words this ditto-monkey uses:

 "If he weren't the president of the United States and representing
  the cause of righteousness in the world, I would say,
  'Man, go for it. Live it up. Do what you want.'

 But he represents something larger than just one human being.
 There are a lot of people who feel he has pissed on the office and denigrated it."

 ha ha

 Bruce says it's OK for men to cheat on their wives,
 you see,
 but the president is the one man who's not allowed.

 Bruce, you have that "It's OK" attitude because you got caught.
 Bruce cheated on his wife, didn't you Bruce?
 Bruce got caught many times, didn't you Bruce?.
 Demi told him, "Once more and you're gone,"
 and he did and he is.

 Hey Asshole!
 Your kids lost their Daddy because you can't control yourself.
 Christ, that's sad.
 What a prick.

 Don't misunderstand my position on fidelity.
 I just think people who throw stones shouldn't be guilty.

 Audio BartCop

 First,   Click Here
 It takes several minutes to download.
 (The file is 1650K)

 Now let me tell you why.
 I got a real kick out of this, maybe you will, too.

 Years ago, May of 1996 to be exact, I attended my first,
 (and so far - only) Ku Klux Klan rally in K-Drag, Oklahoma.

 It was the only story in Volume 6

 Well, Serdar Yegulalp   who has a great web page
 took the entire Volume 6 and read it like a newscaster would.
 Better, actually, because he added some effects.

 If you'd like to see/hear this, click on Volume 6, above
 and read along when he starts reading.

 He made a semi-funny rant come alive, and I think it's great.

 A shot of Chinaco for Serdar for all the work he did
 converting this semi-funny rant into a real piece of comedy.

 It was 88 Years ago today...

 This is the last picture taken of  the Titanic above water.


...and here's a Titanic story.


 I've heard that two former liberals, Rob Lowe and James Woods,
 really have a huge dislike for Bill Clinton, our best president ever.

 Can anybody confirm?

 If Only!

 Celebrity Mail

 From: alsmudge@smudgereport.com

 Subject: The Cuban Kid

 So Elian's dad shows up in this country carrying an infant child in his
 arms, the child of him and his second wife. Why aren't the Miami Cubans
 trying to keep him from taking that child back to Castro's evil Cuba.
 (Which, by the way, is a hell of a lot better than pre-Castro Battista Cuba,
 which the U.S. backed to the hilt.)

 You know those Cuban doctors you see on TV? The ones who are still in Cuba.
 And the American reporter asks them how much they get paid and they say, oh,
 $30 a month. And we express shock. Do you know what those doctors would
 have been in Batista's Cuba? Illiterate sugar cane workers. Because as we
 all know, only Batista's friends and relatives and business associates were
 smart enough to be doctors. The rest of Cuba was forced to remain ignorant
 peasants. So Castro makes sure the peasants get the same education as the
 rich. And guess what happens? The rich all leave and go to Miami. Sure
 Cuba was bad. For them. For the common Cuban it was much better. Is it as
 nice as Miami? No. Is Puerto Rico as nice as Miami? Are poor blacks in
 Mississippi living a life as nice as it is in Miami? No. Let's not compare
 Castro's Cuba to Miami, let's compare it to Crown Heights, Brooklyn, or East
 L.A. and the differences are not so great, are they?

 Al Smudge

 Ediotr's Note:
 The Smudgereport is one of the most informative sites on the www.

April 14, 2000

 Celebrity Mail


 First things first.
 You have the best site on the Internet - bar none!.
 All the girls visit your site every day when they're not traveling.
 Everybody hates that vulgar, shit-pig-thing called Rush Limbaugh.
 We all fucking hate him, every one of us.
 Most of the people we work with are gay, and we don't like
 asshole Nazis like that Pigboy trouncing all over our friends.

 I have to agree with some of what Rebecca said.  (see below)
 Heidi surely has the worst ass in the business, and Cindy has
 definitely let herself go since she had that screaming brat.

 But I laugh when Rebecca calls herself a goddamn "supermodel."
 Oh, please!
 These days every girl who takes her top off is a goddamn "supermodel."

 Rebecca's never made more than $3,000 in a single fucking day.
 Why do you think she married Johnnie Stamos?
 She married that bastard for two reasons:
 For his drug connections and to get some goddamn spending money.

 The idea that she keeps in shape with exercise?
 Sure - if your idea of exercise is putting a spoon to your nose.
 I hear she can bench press a gram and a half a day!
 She doesn't even have the brains to do coke - she's snorting heroin!

 Anyway, I liked your patriotism theme, so I thought I'd send you
 a picture of me in a very patriotic one-piece I got in Ft Lauderdale.

 Thanks, and we love you, BartCop!


 Christie Brinkley

 PS. Don't tell my husband, but I was thinking of you, BartCop,
       when I was posing for this picture. You're the greatest!!


 Christie, I was a bit shocked by your language,
 but it's always nice hearing from my supermodel friends.

 Tell the gang that BartCop says, "Hey!"

 El Pigbo vs Bradshaw II

 The cockroach shed more light on his Terry Bradshaw problem.
 He said years ago, his golddigging wife contacted Terry Bradshaw
 and asked him for a signed jersey for He Who Grunts.

 Bradshaw said, "For that fat bastard? Not a chance."

 ha ha

 Rush says he has, "no idea," why Bradshaw might hate him.
 Gee, Porky, I'll bet OJ can't figure it out, either.

 Let's run thru the math real fast.
 America has 280,000,000 people.
 Of that 280,000,000 only 4,000,000 listen to his Nazi hate,
 and people like you and me are included in that 4 million.

 Rush has to screen his calls because many of his listeners
 hate his guts and would like to tell him so. That means
 he may only have 2,000,000 allies out of 280,000,000.

 Do the math.

 Rush has an approval rating of  .7 percent.
 Compared to the vulgar Nazi, Gary Bauer and Alan Keyes
 are much-beloved experts at making people like them.
 If Rush's approval ratings went up 400 percent,
 he'd still lose a popularity contest to B'Orrin Hatch.

 What's worse?

 The scared little rabbits on Wall Street?
 Or the media whores screaming "the sky is falling?"

 Give me a fucking break.
 The Dow dropped 500 or so.
 So the fraidy bunnies on Wall Street wet their pants in a panic.

 Wasn't it just two weeks ago today that the Dow rose
 almost 500 points in one day?

 I heard some idiot whore on ABC radio (not Rush this time)
 claiming this was the start of the next big recession.

 Oh, just eat me.

 We need to replace those scared little bunnies with somebody
 a lot braver tougher, like the Girl Scouts of America.

 Great El Pigbo Quotes

 "I want to be on Monday Night Football because Fox Sports won't have me.
  Terry Bradshaw hates my guts."
   -- Hate Radio, second hour

 ha ha

 As previously reported in AMPOL Magazine by this reporter,
 the Pittsburgh Tampons are El Pigbo's favorite NFL team.

 It must really huirt the Pigboy that Mr. Steeler, Terry Bradshaw,
 a legend in football history,
 the Director of the Steel Curtain,
 the man who owns FOUR SuperBowl rings,
 the historical Cowboy-kicker,
 hates the vulgar Pigboy's guts.

 Remember that cripple-raping Hollywood Henderson?
 Before their Superbowl, he said Terry Bradshaw was so stupid,
 he couldn't spell CAT if you spotted him the "C" and the "A."
 Hey, Rapeboy, who won that Superbowl?

 ha ha

 I'll bet they met somewhere and Terry threatened to kick his ass.

 I wonder if it was the "tampons" that did it?
 Or maybe Terry is just a good and decent man,
 and that's why he hates the guts of lying, Nazi whores.
 Terry Bradshaw, you're the best!
 America salutes you!

 If you ever want to kick the Pigboy's ass, I will defend you for free.

 A shot of Chinaco for Terry Bradshaw.

 Celebrity Mail

 I saw your pictures of Heidi and Cindy.
 Frankly, I think they could each stand to lose a few pounds.

 Everybody knows that Heidi has the worst ass in modeling,
 and Cindy hasn't looked good in a swimsuit since she gave birth.
 Plus, Heidi is OK but Crawford is a real bitch on wheels.

 Some of us supermodels take the time to stay in shape,
 so I submit my patriotic photo for your consideration.
 By the way, I really despise that lying Nazi whore.
 Web sites like yours are what make the Internet great.

 Hugs and kisses,
 Rebecca Romijn Stamos

 PS. If I ever need an assistant with my top, would you help me?


 Ollie North

 From: Btw72@aol.com

 Subject: Equal Time Newsletter for April 13, 2000

 Oliver North seems to have a large bug up his nose about the ethics of the
 Clinton Administration. He's entitled to his opinion. How about this as a
 topic for discussion on Equal Time:

 The Clinton Administration would be held in higher esteem by the
 conservatives if the administration broke US laws by selling arms to a
 renegade nation -- Cuba, and then pardoning the Cabinet members who were part
 of the conspiracy.

 Discuss. (Thanks to Mike Myers as Linda Richmond!)

 Making Mexico the 51st State

 As I was about to leave work Thursday, I called Mrs BartCop
 and asked her what I could bring her after a long day at the office.

 She replied, "A bottle of Behringer's Zinfandel!"
 Hey,  ...if I do anything well,  it's take direction!
 So, I drive to our neighborhood spirits store.

 I get there, and I'm not late, so I'm mosian, moseian, moseyan...
 I'm goddamn wandering thru the liquor store,
 not intending to buy anything more than the Zinfandel...
 and - go figure - I ended up in the tequila section!!!

 The tequila drought has landed!
 The last non-Chinaco tequila I recommended was Casta Brava.
 It's a fine tequila in a pyramid-shaped bottle with a wood top
 and it was under $20 - and you get a liter, not just a .750.

 Well, last night I was shocked to see a price tag of $28.95.

 When they revived me, they said the price of fine agave squeezins
 has gone up 45 percent in the last week or so.
 This is truly bad news.

 Understand, this spirits store has very good prices.
 Not the best in town, but very good prices.
 So, I faced the inevitable and met the agave crisis head-on.

 I quickly visted the spirits store that often had specials, and
 whipped-out  my no-longer-ADM-backed credit-card
 and charged $260 worth of fine, luxury tequila on it!!!!!!
 I got six of the Casta Brava pyramids and for only $18.96
 (that was all they had at the biggest spirits store in K-Drag)
 and I got six bottles of the most fine Chinaco for only $21.95.
 (that was all the Chinaco tall boys this store had)

 ha ha

 Being a senior citizen, the young box boy loaded my car for me.
 When I got home, it was more fine, luxury tequila than I could carry.
 It took Ol' BartCop two trips to unload the fine, luxury tequila.

 Y'know, it's funny.
 I don't have a drinking problem,

 I have a tequila problem.

 If I don't have some fine, luxury tequila, I don't need a drink.
 I haven't had any Grey Goose this millenium.
 And my tequila problem just got 45 percent more expensive.

 Moral of the story:
 Get to your local spirits store and stock up.
 You Jose Cuervo drinkers like Big Pussy don't need to worry, tho.
 Cheap vodka, bulk sugar and shit prices are stable.

 Agave plants take 6-9 years from planting to tongue-orgasm,
 so Chelsea may be president before the price comes back down.

 Great Clinton Quotes

 From:  rellis@kwcps.k12.va.us

 Clinton to the American Society of Newspaper Editors

 BC, when asked about the possibility of accepting a pardon,
 Clinton mentioned your good friend's book:

 If you want to know what's really been going on, you have a
 good book here, Mr. Toobin's book; you have the Joe Conason
 and Gene Lyons book, which explains how this all happened.
 There are independent counsels and then there are special counsels.
 The independent review was over in '96. So I won't be surprised by
 anything that happens, but I'm not interested in being pardoned....

 But the answer is, no, I don't have any interest in that.
 I don't want one and I am prepared to stand before any bar of justice
 I have to stand before. But I would like just once to see someone
 acknowledge the fact that this Whitewater thing was a lie and a
 fraud from the beginning and that most people with any responsibility
 over it have known it for years.

 When asked about his legacy, and if he would acknowledge his impeachment
  in his presidential library, Clinton replied that he would:

 But on the impeachment, let me tell you, I am proud of what
 we did there, because I think we saved the Constitution of the
 United States. I think -- first of all, I had to defeat the Republican
 revolution in 1994, when they shut down the government, and we
 beat back the Contract on America. Then we had to beat it in the
 impeachment issue. Then we had to beat it when I vetoed the tax
 cut  last year. Then the voters had their verdict in the 1998
 election and in the 1996 election.

 But as a political matter, you have no idea -- I'm not
 ashamed of the fact that they impeached me. That was their
 decision, not mine. And it was wrong. As a matter of law,
 the Constitution, and history, it was wrong. And I am glad I
 didn't quit, and I'm glad we fought it. And the American people
 stuck with me, and I am profoundly grateful.

 You are welcome, Mr President!

 A shot of Chinaco to the best president of our lifetime.

 Letter from the Ediotr

 Hi, how are you?

 For 30 days or more, I've been trying to think of a way to
 say something without sounding like a pompous prick.
 I have been unsuccesful in thinking of a good way to say this.
 Maybe if I dance around it first, it'll sound better.

 The first important thing I'd like for you to focus on is
 this is not a complaint!

 OK, here we go.
 In March of 1995, I moved from Prodigy to the Internet.
 I went to some mega-book store and paid thirty dollars
 for some bogus "Internet Yellow Pages."

 It was out of date by the time I got home, but it did have some
 good things. One thing they had was e-mail addresses of some
 famous people. One of those people was famous liberal James Woods.

 So, I wrote James a letter saying I admired his work as an actor
 and I enjoyed him on shows like the Tonight Show because it
 gave him a chance to talk about his politics. I can't remember it now,
 but I asked him a specific question that I thought he'd enjoy answering
 as a springboard to get him to write back.
 I eagerly awaited his reply.

 A week later, I got a form letter.

 "Dear Sir or Madam,
  Thanks for writing, it means a lot to me.
  I'm currently working on some film blah, blah, blah."

  James Woods

 I was disappointed, but I understood. I'm sure he gets a lot
 of e-mail, but I didn't care much for the form letter.
 I told Mrs. BartCop that I'd rather be ignored than receive
 a form letter addressed to "Occupant."

 Luckily for me, James Carville, Al Franken, James Warren,
 Paul Begala, Molly Ivins, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Bill Maher,
 Dennis Miller, Crossfire, The Capital Gang, Fox Whore News
 and the 104th, 105th and 106th Congresses and a whole lot
 of other people all agree that ignoring BartCop's e-mail is
 better than sending an automated response.

 It takes me forever to get to the point, I know.

 Remember, this is not a complaint,
 but I can't keep up with my mail.
 I know how that sounds, but the only alternative is to fail to
 address the problem which isn't fair because sometimes I'll
 run into a long, well-thought out letter from someone that was
 sent weeks or months ago. The letter writer doesn't know if
 their letter was read or not, and that's not fair.

 I have tried to answer each one, but it's not working.
 I don't even know where I'm going with this, but something
 needed to be said because I don't like the rudeness of not
 acknowledging your e-mail.

 It's no secret that the little treehouse is getting bigger.
 That means the mail situation won't get any better.

 The second important thing to remember is:
 I do NOT want people to stop sending mail.
 My "job" has gotten much easier in one respect:
 When people send me interesting articles and cartoons
 it allows me to double my output because no one person
 has the time to scour the internet every day for stuff.

 I guess I'm asking if anyone has any ideas.

 The best idea I can come up with is maybe you could
 put an "X" in the header of the e-mail if the message is
 either time-sensitive or very important.
 (See? I know how bad that sounds.)

 It won't do either of us any good if I find out Thursday that
 Joe Conason or James Carville was on Hardball Wednesday.

 The third, and hopefully final important point is I wouldn't want
 the "pillars" (or anybody) of bartcop.com  to send less mail.
 There's about a dozen people who regularly send stuff
 that's important if  bartcop.com  is to continue.
 If you guys stop sending, I'm in trouble.

 So, I think I'm done with my speech.
 If anyone has any ideas, send them to me and please put
 an "X" in the header. (I know how stupid that sounds,
 that's why I'm asking for suggestions.)

  Just for grins, if you know a better way to say what
 I just said, I'd enjoy reading that, too.

 Poor Pigboy  (w/update)

 This is very different for me - but it works.
 Listening to Pigboy's ranting on a recording is very different
 than listening to him spew lies live.

 Just now, he said he was "an expert" on living in a Communist country.
 Isn't that interesting?
 I wonder which countries he's lived in?

 Then he started screaming at "those dunderheads" that think
 Elian belongs with his father, saying "If you think life in Cuba
 is so damn great, you should go live there - just pack up and go!"

 So I guess Steve Largent, (R-Jesus Twin) must now start packing his
 bags for Cuba because El Pigbo says people like him belong there.

 I continue to listen to this tape from yesterday, which is nice
 because I can pause it and write down what he said.

 The poor, confused bastard can't remember where he's going.
 He started his rant saying we should grant Elian's wishes,
 whatever they are, "because the left is always telling us that
 4-year olds and 6-year olds know what they're doing."

 I don't remember the left "always" saying that, do you?
 To quote Livia Soprano, "He makes stuff up."

 To make it worse, he attributes quotes to liberals that
 nobody can ever remember a liberal saying.

 Isn't that sad?

 Then, the sick bastard attacked Andy Garcia as
 "an idiot Hollywood liberal with no credibility," then he played
 a tape of Garcia saying Castro is a bad, bad man and he's
 really glad he escaped from Cuba when he was a child.

 Excuse me, O Stroked One, that means he's on YOUR side.
 Why are you attacking your allies, you ignorant slut?

 Can't somebody help him?
 Why isn't Marta stepping in?


 From:  Adversary@godisdead.com

 Subject: Marta's Help

 I don't know for sure, but I've got a theory as to why Marta is letting Pigboy
 degenerate on the air.

 If you remember, they met in an AOL chatroom, where Limpbaugh's looks can't
 work against him. Now I remember reading accounts that she didn't start
 returning his interests until after he told her how much money he made. After
 that, she was very interested, and their relationship progressed VERY rapidly.

 Now at that time, Senor Porko was still in command of his (dubious) mental
 capabilities, as well as his greed. So it's a good bet that he had her sign a
 pre-nup. Now that his brain is going in the crapper, though, Marta can work
 her magic on him, and get him to invalidate that silly old pre-nup. Then once
 that's done with, it's off to divorce court.

 Marta's no dummy, she's in it for his dough. I mean, why else would anyone
 marry the man best known for bringing out the worst in people?


 Celebrity Mail

 Thanks for running that picture of Heidi in the flag bikini.
 She's a good friend and she's really sweet. You'd like her.
 If you'd like another patriotic picture, here's one of me.

 I love your website, I visit every day.

 Cindy Crawford


 Thanks for being a patriot,


 Stroke Me, Stroke Me

 Yesterday, El Pigbo said
 "I'm appalled, I'm literally appalled. It never, ever ends.
  When it comes to leftism, socialism, communism, just...just
  send some, ...just live under it, make the government bigger,
  send people back to dungeons, go ahead, that's just, ...that's
  (voice getting higher and higher in range) infuriates me.


 "Sending Elian back to the dungeons is just another
  example of big government liberalism?"

 Poor Pigboy - he's lost his mind.
 I remember back when Rush was just plain wrong.
 Now, he's a cartoon character, perhaps Elmer Fudd,
 trying his best to string-together enough scary-sounding words
 so the ditto-monkeys think he's actually saying something.

 In Porky's stroke-addled brain, wanting Elian to be with his
 father is "just another example of big government liberalism."

 ...and people follow this fraud?

April 13, 2000

 Isn't it funny that....

 If a lone judge decides Clinton should be held in contempt of court,
 that's proof to the right that all their years of hatred was worth it,
 because, after all, that's the way the judge ruled,


 If a lone judge decides that Elian belongs with his father,
 it's just one man's uninformed opinion, and besides that,
 it's just more proof that our out-of-control government has run amuck.

 I thought it was funny...

  From:  HARTMANM@state.mo.us

 Subject:  Rush - 2nd hour

 "The Republicans don't need to be worried about perscription drug benefits,
 people aren't interested in that! This is about Elian Gonzales.
 THAT'S where the GOP should be focusing!"

 That prick would like NOTHING more than to see bloodshed in Miami
 for one reason only: the clock in the great "Get Bill Clinton" game is ticking,
 and the sand of the hourglass has just about run out.

 Anything.........ANYTHING to make Bill Clinton and Janet Reno look bad.

 He didn't seem to think we had ANY fucking business in Kosovo,
 meddling in  THEIR business. But NOW he thinks it's okay to tell Cuba
 what their parental rights policy should be?

 What a lying, deceitful, hypocritical sac of monkey dung.


 The Good Guy Wins

 The Scourge of K-Drag, AM radio's Michael Del Giorno
 is one of those idiot GOP apologists who can't defend himself.

 Lately, his Tonto, Rick Couri, has been thumping him.
 The King doesn't like it when the little people talk back.

 Check this  exchange about poor little Elian.

 Letter From the Ediotr

 I have been accused of gratuitously posting pictures of pretty models
 just to pique the purient interests of the mostly-male readers of bartcop.com

 Of course, this is not true.
 This is a false charge, maliciously spread by my enemies.
 If I post a picture, it always has some political significance.

 For instance, this picture here represents our flag:

I find this photo patriotic and inspiring.

 From:  brettfavresux@hotmail.com

 Subject: Ben Stein

 What's your beef with Ben Stein?

 Just curious,

 That son-of-a-bitch makes me so goddamn angry I can't type.
 I will explain soon, but first I'll have to put up the mother of all
 warning labels because it will set a record for extreme invective.
 I'd like to break his fucking capped teeth, the prick.

 By the way, what's your beef with Brett Favre?
 Are you against rich role models who do drugs and cheat on their wives?

 From:  stubby_rodriguez@yahoo.com

 Subject: Rule of Law

 In response to the situation in Miami, Clinton told  journalists,
``This case is about the rule of law, It is our responsibility to uphold the law.''

 Gawd, what a hoot.
 He hasn't enjoyed a sentence so much since he lipped "I love you"
 to Hillary during the state of the union address.


 ha ha

 From now on,  when you look up cojones in the dictionary, you'll see

 ha ha

 Clinton's "Rule of Law" speech is almost as good
 as the GOP telling us that keeping Elian from his father
 is more important than the Rule of Law.


 The World Boxing Association has told Lennox Lewis that he
 will lose his precious WBA belt if he fights top-ranked challenger
 Michael Grant on April 29th, instead of Evander the baby-maker.
 (Evander Holyfield, the super-Christian, has 9 kids by 6 women.)

 Lennox told the WBA to go to hell.

 Good for you, Lennox.
 Take the money - screw that belt.

 Boxing's thug-run sanctioning bodies are more fractured
 than a stuck closet door at Chuck Norris's house.
 (Thanks to Dennis Miller)

 Modern boxing is more crooked than Gingrich's tail.
 Take the money.
 If they give the stupid belt to someone else,
 just kick his ass and win it back.

 Every boxer should do what Lennox has done:
 Tell Don King to take a fucking hike.

 Have you noticed the Fire C*nt hasn't taken a position on Elian?
 If she has, I haven't heard it, and I listen very hard.

 She may find herself in a box.
 She knows that kid belongs with his Daddy
 but Mr. Scaife won't send a check if she disagrees with the GOP.

 Bottom line?
 Fuck that kid - Laura needs more millions.

 PMRC - Hotter than Elian

 From: dave@landru.dac.uga.edu

 Subject: labels

 In response to RL, you wrote:
 >That's never going to happen.
 >Parents have never and will never do their jobs properly.
 >You shouldn't even waste the time typing that.

 This sounds dangerously close to a conservative xtian argument.
 Warning labels are a slippery slope, Bartcop.
 You know that.

 Easy, there.
 When you say, "You know that,"
 you need to be overwhelmingly right.

 One day it's warning labels, the next it's strong filtering software,
 the next it's no more  bartcop.com  or The Sopranos

 All to protect the children, since their parents are no longer held responsible
 for doing their jobs properly. Although it's true that many people *are*
 shitty parents, to put labels on records because of this fact is to
 absolve them of their  responsibility.

 I've said this 1,000 times:
 It's a waste of time to ask, "Where are the parents?"
 That question means nothing.
 Where were the parents when that 6-year old shot that little girl?
 You see?
 That question didn't save the little girl.

 Where were the parents at Colombine?
 Asking that question means nothing.

 Movies and TV shows have ratings - yet we're all still here.
 I need to get an answer - from somebody - about movie ratings.

 Couldn't you make the same argument that since The Sopranos isn't
 on free TV, we're a xtian nation on the slippery slope?

 Putting a show with sex, murders, and the hardest language possible
 only on subscription TV is just like a warning label, isn't it?

 From: (withheld)   with update

 I was stunned to find you defending (albeit half-heartedly) the actions
 of  the PMRC and Tipper Gore.  Being somewhat familiar with your page,
 I gotta believe you speak out of unfamiliarity ignorance of this issue.

 Please explain.
 If I'm wrong, I want to know about it.
 The subject I'm speaking of is "education" and the "Fuck the Police" example.

 Please include those in your reply.

 Check out Frank Zappa's autobiography, or for a reasonable overview see:


 Pope Tipper and her gaggle of bloated and bored Washington wives
 are just to the right of Il Duce on this one, Bart.


 Well, I went there, and it was much more than I wanted.
 The article was so long, they had 16 pages of footnotes,
 and it covered everything from Adam to Zeus.
 Can't the argument be boiled down any smaller than that?

 Question for those who disagree with me:
 How is this different than movie ratings?
 Are movie ratings destroying freedom, too?

 Would you really take your young children to see Pulp Fiction?
 And have them look up and ask you,
 "Daddy, what's that man with the shotgun doing to Marcellus Wallace?"

 I think kids should have their shit together before they smoke dope,
 watch Pulp Fiction or listen to the vulgar Pigboy and the She-Devil.


 It's nice to see an actual debate on these pages.
 When was the last time you saw a political debate here?

 This Just In...

 CNN is reporting that those crazed Cuban Catholics have told Elian
 if he goes back to Cuba, it will be on a goddamn raft or an innertube!

 No wonder the kid says he wants to stay here.
 Poor little bastard doesn't want to climb onto another bathroom door
 and push it out into the Gulf with the sharks and relive his mother's death.

 Jesus, that's so low,
 even Ol' BartCop would've never thought of it.

 Photo-toon extraordinairist Kevin Cunningham has re-done his page.

 Click Here  for a look.

 Cunningham is sending his photo-toons to me for free!
 Soon, someone will pay him the big bucks and we'll be seeing
 his stuff in Rolling Stone or Vanity Fair or Harper's or somewhere.

 Catch him while you can!

 From:  JennyQ1@aol.com

 Subject: Oh ....my ....god

 Bush responded to criticism from Al Gore, that Bush's health record
 in Texas and his new health care plan amount to ''political malpractice.''

 Bush said, ''This is a good plan and yet, rather than debating the merits...


 Al Gore proposed 2 debates per week from now until the election -
 on issues including health care. Now Smush, who turned down the offer,
 says Al will not debate? Huh?

 ha ha

 Poor Smirk.
 I can't wait for the debates.
 Gore's going to chop him into little ditto-monkey meatballs.

 From:  slcrand@uswest.com

 Subject: same $#!t, different day

 Today Rush Limp-rod and some ditto-tang were incensed that
 Clinton was no where to be found regarding the Elian situation.

 I wonder what the a$$hole$ would say if he DID show up.
 "Clinton's turning this into a political issue and doesn't  care
 about the kid. Or the family. He only wants what's good for himself."

S. Crandall

 Steve, excellent point.
 How many times have we heard that lying bastard accuse Clinton
 of "injecting himself" into every situation? How many times has he
 accused Clinton of refusing to get off the stage for Gore?

 What happened to "Clinton fatigue," Pigboy?

 Twenty Times?

 Remember when Cyst-boy said that since those terrible liberals outlawed
 "mega-flushing" toilets in 1992, he has to flush his toilet "twenty times?"
 (We know this is true because Rush never exaggerates.)

 By the way, Tidy-Bowl Pigboy, since your hampsterectomies,
 do you still have to flush  twenty times after each visit?

 A Republican House Committee just killed the effort to repeal that law.

 ha ha on the Pigboy

 Get the Rubber Gloves

 I see in the USA Today that Gov Smirk has finally agreed to
 meet with gay Republican activists as part of his "outreach effort"
 aimed at non-traditional GOP voters.

 ha ha

 Carl Schmid of the group, Human Rights Campaign, billed it
 as a "milestone" in Republican politics and said he saw it as
 an "evolution" of the Smirk campaign.


 ha ha

 Yo! Smirk!
 Where's Canada?

 ha ha


 Two o'clock has come and gone in Miami - and nothing.

 I will now predict the ditto-monkey response.
 They will be FURIOUS at Janet Reno for doing nothing!

 They were all ready to crucify her for using force,
 and now that she hasn't,  they crucify her for not using force!
 I predict they'll say:

 "Janet Reno has ruined the credibility of the Justice Department.
  She's made a mockery of the rule of law.
  Janet Reno doesn't stand for anything.
  She's letting those Cuban-Americans walk all over her."

 Fox Whore News and Pigboy would give a nut for a big riot.
 They'd commit sodomy on each other in Times Square at high noon
 if that would get them closer to a riot with hundreds injured.

 From: Khafara@aol.com

 Subject:  "Boy Tells Clinton To Break Law"

 ANNAPOLIS, Md. (AP) -- Standing in a throng of children, President Clinton
 couldn't help but laugh at the little boy's question: Is he still president?

 ''I have to leave in January,'' Clinton replied.
  He explained that the law limits him to two terms in office.

 So the boy offered a solution:
 Break the law, or at least change it so he can stay.

 Clinton roared with laughter.

 ''I can't do that. But I'll be around,'' the president said.
 ''I'll try to do something useful.''

 ha ha

 Break the law?

 ha ha

 Al Gore in 2000 - because we have the 22nd Amendment.


 ha ha

 Cunningham rules!

 Talk of the South

 From:  Peter.Hisey@faulknergray.com

 Subject: U.S. vs. Cuba

 I was watching Crudball last night and some wingnut from Texas was telling
 anyone who would listen about how Castro throws criminals into tiny boxes
 for years at a time, then executes them.

 At the same time, a man was being escorted out of a box in Texas where he
 had been imprisoned for many years, led to another tiny room, and executed.
 Castro bad, Smirky the Wonder Dunce good, evidently.

 Oh, and I stayed at the Rio a few weeks ago, and finally tasted Chinaco.
 It is heavenly. And, the restaurants in that place are amazing.
 Except for the noodle place, which is terrible.
 But I had a lobster pasta dish that I can still taste a month later.


 Just hearing "Rio" and "Chinaco" gives me Vegas Fever!
 Thanks for the report.

 From: CWelz00@aol.com

 Subject: Recent Events

 Smirk the nonentity appears destined to be our next president, Gore can do
 nothing right (the Elian debacle is an ominous portent of things to come),

 Rush Limbaugh has become marginalized to the point of complete irrelevancy,
 and no one outside the San Francisco area gives two shits about Dr. Laura.

 Meantime, one of the most important--and prolonged--demonstrations of civil
 disobedience is unfolding in the nation's capital as a the fight over the
 world's resources and the fate of its workers continues to intensify.

 Perhaps you should put aside the Chinaco and start paying some attention.

 From: (withheld)

 The Titanic regulations thing you wrote...
 Do you mind if I copy and paste the piece you did as a spark
 for discussion at Turn Left?

 Thought I'd ask before lifting.

 Sure, go ahead.
 Anybody can have anything they want, no need to ask, even.

Zappa vs. Tipper

RL wrote: That's Mr ZAPPA to you!

Regarding Tipper and the PMRC, part of Frank Zappa's problem with them was
their wanton labeling of albums without listening to them. One such album was
Zappa's "Jazz from Hell." They slapped an explicit lyrics label on that album.
Other than the title, THERE AIN'T NO LYRICS ON IT.

 RW, I often do a poor job of expressing myself.
 Let me try to be more clear.
 That example you cited proves we don't need an idiot deciding,
 but it doesn't prove labels are bad.

 Tell me, what if your 12-year old daughter asked for the
 "Fuck the police" album for Christmas?
 Because FTP isn't in the title, you might buy it for her.
 Wouldn't you have wanted to know beforeyou bought it?
 Education is rarely bad.

I seem to recall, and have used many times, your argument about
school prayer, asking the Shiite Republiclones "Who picks the Prayer."

I pose that same question to the PMRC.
Who picks the album that gets labeled?
Who decides which lyrics are naughty and which ones are nice?

 I have an idea.
 Let the record company decide, with the understanding that the
 president of the corp that owns the record company agrees up-front
 to read aloud any lyric that any stock-holder requests at the yearly
 board meeting.

 I doubt the CEO of Time Warner wants videotape circulating of him saying
 "Fuck the police" or "I'm gonna butt-rape that nasty bitch."

 Sure, some companies, maybe Bad Boys Records or Death Row records
 might be willing to read their lyrics out loud, but then people would
 quickly know that those two companies sell questionable records.

How does your right to prevent someone from hearing/seeing
something superceed my right to hear or see it?

You may be off-track on that one.
I don't think the PRMC was trying to prevent anything.

If people would do a better job of policing themselves and their kids,
keeping track of what their kids were doing/watching/listening to,
we wouldn't need such silliness.

That's never going to happen.
Parents have never and will never do their jobs properly.
You shouldn't even waste the time typing that.

 Welcome to Miami

 I guess there's only one story in the news today.
 I'm putting the over and under on casualties at 65.

 Think they'll be more or less?

 Will Elian be alive this time tomorrow?

 I didn't see anything I disagree with  HERE.

 I have one idea, tho.
 I think Janet Reno should ask the Miami police department
 to deliver that kid to the airport.
 They will refuse.
 If they do, they should be fired.

 Then she should ask the Dade County sheriffs.
 They will refuse.
 If they do, they should be fired.

 Then ask the Florida Sate police.
 They will refuse.
 If they do, they should be fired.

 Or have a judge declare them in contempt of court.

 Then you have the judge order the drunk grandpa to turn him over.
 When he refuses, arrest him.

 Remember the first Billy Jack movie?
 Not, "Billy Jack," the first one.

 Billy Jack and the raped girl were surrounded by crazed bikers.
 Billy Jack had a gun.
 He said, "Hey Boss Man. You're in charge. Let us go!"

 Boss Man said, "No."

 Billy Jack shot him right between the eyes.
 Then he turned to Vice Boss and said:
 "You're in charge now. Let us go."

 Vice Boss said, "Yes, Sir."
 They let them go right away.

 The point is, arrest the top refusnik.
 Then ask the second in charge to be reasonable.
 If she's not, arrest her.
 Pretty soon, Elian will be alone in the house.

 If you read that article above, I think you'll agree Miami
 needs to act like an American city, instead of Little Havana.
 If we need troops to do that - fine.

 If we let thugs take over cities, who's next?
 El Paso?

 This is the poster they need to put at Army recruitment centers.

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