Vol 203 - Harder Than Your Husband

 May 18, 2000

 West Wing

 The sun is starting to set on the Ol' Treehouse,
 and we haven't talked about West Wing yet.


 First, it was probably the funniest West Wing I ever saw,
 at least until the last 120 seconds. The usually-good writing was
 a notch above for last night's show. You know how most shows
 have a plot, sometimes maybe two, but they follow three stories
 and usually one or two are some bullshit about the bad coffee in
 the office or someone's car trouble - crap that's used as filler.
 Well, West Wing didn't have much filler last night.

 The little things, like the stupid signal Sam came up with to
 signal all was OK with the pilot. When Sam asked Toby if he'd
 help spread the word around that that was the signal, Toby said,
 "I don't think that'll be a big problem."
 ha ha

 I also liked the slap CJ got on Danny.

 One thing: They spent a few minutes trying to find somebody who
 could explain the White House policy on Cuba - why we treat Cuba
 differently than China.  Why don't the top people in the White House
 know the answer? If they can't answer it with a little common sense,
 maybe the policy needs to be revisited.

 President Bartlet is my kind of president when he gets mad.
 One of the people in the situation room wanted to contact Baghdad
 and negotiate for the downed pilot instead of risking upsetting
 Saddam with a military rescue.

 Bartlet assured the man that if he ended up having to call that
 pilot's parents with bad news, "We're invading Baghdad!"

 The shuttle "problem" never got as developed as it could've been,
 but I'd rather have that than a bullshit third subplot.

 Then, the big one.
 At the very end, bullets were everywhere.

 Is anyone old enough to remember the Moldavia Massacre on Dynasty?
 It reminded me of that, but the massacre on Dynasty was funny.
 It was the final show of the year, and almost everybody's contract
 was up for renewal, so Aaron Spelling had everone in a pile with
 ketchup all over the place in case anybody wanted to play hardball
 in their contract negotiations,ha ha

 Why did the idiot assassins use pistols?
 They were what, 50 feet away?  75 feet away?
 You don't use pistols for that.
 Jack Ruby used a pistol, sure.
 He stuck it in Oswald's stomach, then pulled the trigger.
 That works if you're that close.

 It'll be September before we know if my prediction that the
 Secret Cervix lady will be the lone casualty is right. I'm more sure
 now than ever, because they played a three-second clip in the prolog
 of her saying, "I'll bet we're looking for some 15-year old boys."
 They'll make her pay for guessing wrong.

 I'm not sure who the target was.
 The President?
 or the president's daughter?

 I guess we'll find out in 100 days or so.
 Right now we have no Sopranos and no West Wing.
 That's a drag.

 Paul Begala Shoots the Bull


 Gore was right to call Bush's proposal a roulette game, turning our Social
 Security over to a Wall Street roll of the dice. The Republican philosophy is
 "We're all in this alone." Every man for himself -- and widows and orphans,
 well, just get a trust fund like W did.  Bush doesn't say how he'll pay the
 trillion-dollar transition costs that even supporters of his plan admit are
 real. But he did tell the Dallas Morning News that under Bush, Social
 Security would not be secure. When asked if he could guarantee Americans
 that investments in the stock market would not leave them worse-off than the
 current Social Security system, Bush said, "Maybe, maybe not."

 The charming thing about Bush's lack of intellectual heft is that it
 occasionally leads him to naive bursts of candor. His admissions that Social
 Security will not be guaranteed, and that his plan is just the first step
 toward ending Social Security, are at least honest.
 Honest, and frightening.

 Remember the policeman who was shot saving a school full of kids
 from some nutto-bastard carrying a shotgun? Click Here for the story.

 Snot-Nosed Would-Be Murdering Punk Leaves Hospital

 Update on this non-story that the media doesn't care about:

 The twelve-year old shit was released from the hospital and immediately
 put into a jail cell. Michael Nichols is his name, and I'm damn glad I get
 to publish his name because too often the whore media wants to protect
 the little bastards who use guns on people.

 Today's Tulsa World said the snot-nosed punk "pumped three or four
 rounds of birdshot into the body (he's still alive) of Sgt Greg Lovett
 before Lovett could get off one round," dropping the nasty-ass punk.
 Sgt Lovett was hit in the face, back and buttocks.

  (I don't know Smirk about shotguns. How do you get "treated and released"
 after three or four rounds of birdshot?)

 I called the Prairie Grove Police Department just now.
 I asked the switchboard operator if I could get an address or e-mail
 for Sgt. Lovett. She said she couldn't give out his home address.
 I told her that was fine, that I just wanted to send him a note of
 thanks for taking some shotgun hits while saving those kids.

 Get this - She said, "Oh!" and seemed genuinely startled and shocked.

 From her tone, I'm pretty sure I'm the ONLY one who's called.
 Son of a bitch, that pisses me off.
 What's wrong with those people?

 You'd think at the very fucking least, the parents of every kid in that school
 would've called or gone by to express a little gratitude, for Christ's sake!


 When she got over her shock, she told me Greg Lovett could be reached
 through the Chief of Police's e-mail which is rcasey@pgtc.net

 Do me a favor?
 Send a note to Sgt Greg Lovett saying "Thanks" .
 Would you do that?

 You don't need to send me a copy, or even let me know that you did,
 but that brave son-of-a-bitch took three or four shotguns blasts
 (including one to the face) to save the tiny town of Prairie Grove, Arkansas
 the unspeakable horror of having to bury some kids, and go fucking figure,
 the operator acted like my call was the first one she's received.

 For those of you without e-mail, the address of the Prairie Grove
 Police Department is PO Box 1033, Prairie Grove, AR 72753

 By the way, this isn't a gag.

 Maybe it wasn't exactly Normandy Beach, but getting shot is getting shot,
 and I have a feeling that "Thank you" is all Greg Lovett will get out of this.

 Metallica Rules

 I have uploaded that incredibly funny Napster-Lars parody.

 Even if you think Metallica fans belong in jail, this is REALLY well-done.

 It's 1.4 meg, so it'll take some time to download, but it's worth it.

 Click Here  to start downloading.

 Once you save it to your hard drive, just click it using Explorer
 and it'll pop up and say "Click Here to begin."
 Don't be drinking anything, cause it'll come out your nose.

 It has an .exe entension, but it's safe, I wouldn't invite you
 to download a bomb from  bartcop.com

 ...and Lars, here's your chance to shut me down like you apparently
 shut down campchaos.com

 Oh, and Lars, please don't even send me a warning letter.
 I will only publish it here and ridicule it.

 Another One Bites the Dust

 United Airlines Drops Dr. Laura Ads From Magazine

 LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - United Airlines has dropped advertisements for
 Dr. Laura Schlessinger's radio show from its in-flight magazine because of her
 controversial commentary about homosexuality, an airline spokesman said.

 Schlessinger, who dispenses moral and ethical advice each weekday on a
 syndicated radio show that reaches an estimated 18 million listeners, has sparked
 an uproar from gay and lesbian groups for her on-air references to homosexuality
 as ``deviant'' and ``a biological error.''

 A spokesman for United, which bills itself as the world's biggest airline, said ads
 for her program were pulled because her views run contrary to the airline's
 ``corporate commitment to respecting our employees as well as our customers.''
 ``And we demonstrate that commitment in a number of ways, including by
 recognizing the diversity of our tens of millions of customers and tens of
 thousands of employees,'' the United spokesman, Matthew Triaca said

 This Just In...

 All-Access just reported that Xerox and Toys R' Us
 have both bowed out of the Dr. Laura show as well.

 Have you ever been to subgenius.com?

 It's run by Christian Adams.
 It's a recommend.

 Click Here

 From: XaThega@aol.com

 Dissecting The Limbaugh Lie

 Rush Limbaugh, everyone's favorite "love-to-hate-him" talk show
 juggernaut, is also one of America's most noted liars. Whether you march
 to the Ditto-drum or you can't stand listening to his obnoxious, blathering
 "truth detections" spewed every day over the airwaves, one has to recognize
 the interesting intricacies in Limbaugh's lies.

 Some are flat-out,  in-your-face doozies ("There are more Indians alive today
 than there were when Columbus landed!"), and then there are some that are far
 more stealthy and deceptive. Lies such as the latter aren't developed in a mere
 sentence or paragraph; they materialize very slowly, so as not to be detected
 (by the average Dittohead, at least). These lies take place over a period of
 time that can be as short as a day and as long as an entire month, and are
 usually broken up into three stages. Below is a dissection of such a lie:

 Stage One:
 The 'Maybe' Stage:

 * "I'LL BET the Liberals MIGHT want another Constitutional Convention so
 they can abolish the Second Amendment!"

 * "I'LL BET Algore tries to conjure up his own privatized social security
 scheme to one-up Bush!"

 Stage Two:
 The 'Probably' Stage:

 * "Like I told you yesterday, the Liberals are PROBABLY TRYING to have
 another Constitutional Convention to abolish the Second Amendment!!"

 * "And I've said before, Algore will PROBABLY create his own privatized
 social security plan to try to overshadow Bush's!!"

 Stage Three:
 The 'Definitely' Stage:

 * "And as we know, the Liberals are GOING to have another
 Constitutional Convention to abolish the Second Amendment!!!"

 * "...And of course Algore IS CREATING his own privatized social security
 plan to try and overthrow Bush's plan!!!"

 As one can see, Rush relies on his die-hard fans' apparent inability to
 remember details that have taken place over the course of a day, week, or
 month. He presents a theory, sometimes extremely far-flung, and, along the
 developing stages, goes from "theory" to "fact."

 Does Limbaugh himself forget that these theories he creates are only
 fantastical "what-if" scenarios that he blows up in his own mind until they
 become truth to him? Or are they intentional, deliberate lies, whose purpose
 it is to shape the impressionable minds of his Dittohead followers?

 The latter seems more likely, although while he is a master at truth deception,
 Limbaugh has never been one to noticeably exhibit a keen sense of intellect.

 But Rush seems to be following Hitler's Rule of Lie: "The bigger the lie,
 the more often it's repeated, the more people will believe it."


  Click Here

 I just wanted you to know I was "OK" on Bible-searching URLs.

 Thanks to all who wrote.

 Mail Bag

 From: stubby_rodriguez@yahoo.com

 Subject: GWB & JDQ

 When Bush Sr. first announced his choice for VP, he was confident
 that he had found a man who would appeal to the voters. I have often
 wondered why.  It very quickly became painfully (yet amusingly)
 obvious that JDQ wasn't cut out for a highly publicized political life.

 However, after watching Bush Jr. for the last 6 months,  I think
 I understand what Bush Sr. saw in JDQ. He reminded him of his son.
 Blinded by a parent's affinity for his child, he judged that everyone
 would share the same affection. What he saw was a lovable, privileged,
 glad-handing, icon of good ol' boy success. What the voters saw was a
 cloistered, under-achieving rube who represented a rich man's
 affirmative action, justice in reverse.


 ha ha

 The vulgar Pigboy just read an e-mail from a fan.

 Dear Rush:
 Why don't you do the world a favor and kill yourself.

 ha ha

 Smirk Hospitalized!

 Everett, Washington (AP) Republican presidential front-runner and governor
 of  Texas George W Bush was rushed to Providence General Medical Center
 this morning after talking to children at nearby Emerson Elementary School.
 The governor was engaged in a question and answer session with some third
 graders when a child identified as Billy Chernoff  asked the Governor if
 he really was a "baseball expert."

 Flashing his trademark sheepish grin, the presidential hopeful and former
 owner of the Texas Rangers Baseball organization said, indeed, he was.
 The third grader then asked him to explain the Infield Fly rule.

 The governor started to answer, but got stuck on the "less than two outs"
 part, and suddenly appeared unsteady on his feet. Some witnesses say they
 saw smoke come from one ear as the governor's cordical synapses appeared
 to overload during the formulation of his answer. Bush's eyes rolled back
 into his head and he fell to the ground.

 Secret Service agents immediately rushed him to the Providence Hospital
 where he was still being treated by emergency doctors when this story was
 being written. Agents on the scene took Chernoff into custody for questioning.

 More as details come in...

 BartCop's Bible

 Already, my Bible reading has paid off.

 From Leviticus:
18:22      Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.
18:23      Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither
               shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.

 So, it's confusion to lie with a beast,
 but it's an abomination for two men?

 ha ha

 I think I've found a new toy...

 ...and thanks to Judy O'Christian of Landover Baptist Church
for pointing me to http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/

It actually works!

The first one I went to, I put in "leviticus" and "genesis"
and it said "No matches for those words."

What kind of Bible has no Genesis?

One More:  http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/sex_list.htm

 ha ha

 Stray Thought

 Those dozens of commercials for Hooked on Phonics on Laura's show,
 Liddy's show and Pigboy's show...

 Do you think those are for the children of the knuckledraggers?

 Gay People on TV

 I have a complaint, and it'd be nice if I wasn't misunderstood, OK?

 I watched Will and Grace the other day, to see guest star Joan Collins.
 I'm so old, Joan Collins has been on my "to do" list for 30 years.
 She still looks like a million dollars, whereas younger women,
 such as Linda Evans, have not aged as gracefully..

 Anyway, I've never seen Will and Grace before, and I was appalled.
 They have the fabulous Debra Messing.

 But they also have the most obnoxious two gay guys.
 I don't mind them being gay, but when either character is on-screen,
 all they can do is crack the most stupid butt jokes in the world.
 The most assinine, slapstick-ish crappy jokes in the world.

 If I was gay, I'd be damn pissed off about this.
 I can't remember which, but recently I saw another show with the
 exact same problem: the gay guy was so overtly flaming it was awful.

 Do you understand what I'm saying?
 Why can't a guy just be gay?
 Why does he have to have that sing-song voice, and walk like a girl,
 and constantly look at his ass and play with his ass?

 I realize Hollywood is the problem, but there's no shortage of
 gay people in Hollywood, so why do they do this to themselves?
 Is America not ready for a straight gay man?

 Will America not accept a gay man who acts like a professional?

 Wait, I remember now, it's the gay guy on NYPD Blue.
 Tuesday night, he saw that Delaney was having a bad day,
 so he bursts into fucking tears!

 That's so fucking stupid!
 I'm pretty sure the guy who plays the gay guy on NYPD Blue is gay,
 so why would he do that to himself and other gay people?
 Another thing he does, he took over Miss Abandando's job
 of glancing around the room every other second. That makes him
 look like a gossip-monger - another stupid stereotype.

 I don't know any gay people that I can ask.
 Far as I know, I've only met two gay people in my life, and neither
 brought up their sexuality, so I figured it wasn't my place to ask.
 Neither of them acted overly, overly gay, but then again,
 this is Oklahoma so they may have to remain hidden to stay alive.

 Could some gay people write in and explain this to me?
 If I was in a room with, say, 30 gay people, I would expect
 some of them to be more flambouyant than others, but TV
 gives the impression all gay people act and talk the same way.
 That's just stupid.

 And if your nose is all out-of-joint because I have this opinion,
 put it back in place because this should outrage you, too.
 Gay people don't have a better friend on the www than Ol' BartCop,
 but I'm free to not like Ellen Degeneres's sense of humor if I want.

 I just want to see if you're as outraged as I am that TV's
 gay people are such silly stereotypes.

 Koresh, this is the year 2000.
 How long before the liberals free the gay people on TV?

 Must-See website


 Also, the Laura Parody Pages


 Remember this, from Vol 202?

 Lars, We Hardly Knew Ye
 It's only a two-minute load, and it's damn good!
 No, it's REAL damn good.
 Click Here

 It's a funnier-than-hell cartoon spoofing Lars and Metallica.
 I just found out the site was down.

 Did Lars and his big, bad attorney make them take it down?

 Sure, I guess it's possible the guy just didn't pay his ISP bill,
 but this cartoon was a masterpiece, and people that good
 generally have $20 a month for the Internet.

 While it was up, they offered a downloadable version, so I got it.
 Tonight, (or possibly for lunch) I will upload it.

 Let's see if the almighty Lars has enough power to shut down  bartcop.com

 ...and Lars, if your fancypants attorney sends me an e-mail,
 he'll get a two-word reply.

 Is there a Bible online?

 The last time I asked, I got a bunch of URLs to sites that SELL Bibles,
 but I'm looking for the Bible itself. I want to be able to punch in a book
 of the Bible and get some verses - is this possible?

 You'd think with the hundreds of thousands on animal-sex sites on the web,
 someone would counter with the Word of God, but nooooooooo.
 All I can find are Bible SALESMEN!

 Can anybody help?

 PS. Don't write and tell me to get off my lazy ass and look for it.
       I fucking have.
       When you put "Bible" in some search engine, you get Miss Sally's
       Bible Study class dates, you get Bible sales, you get things like
       "Bible Transmissions,"  and every day thing in the world EXCEPT the Bible.

       The last time I asked for help, some guy told me to "climb down off my cross."

Rudy at the Plate


 From: skisics surus

 Subject: A Song for McCain

 Here is a song I wrote for Sen McCain.
 I wrote it when McCain endorsed Bush.
 It's appropriate that a song about a prostitute was applied to McCain.

 Sung to 'Roxanne' by the Police:

 You donít have to endorse the Shrub just now
 You can wait to see
 How little Bush will be forced to throw in the towel
 You can wait on the sidelines for now
 The Bush will self-destruct
 Heíll be exposed for what he is, a clown.
 You donít have to endorse the Shrub
 You donít have to endorse the Shrub
 McCain (have to endorse the Shrub)
 McCain (have to endorse the Shrub)
 McCain (have to endorse the Shrub)
 McCain (have to endorse the Shrub)
 McCain (have to endorse the Shrub)

 You wait till the convention
 You donít need to mention
 That real Bush will be revealed
 Just hang onto your delegates

 The GOP will come calling
 You may want to force them crawling
 On their knees for supporting
 Such a crybaby.
 You donít have to endorse the Shrub
 You donít have to endorse the Shrub
 McCain (have to endorse the Shrub)
 McCain (have to endorse the Shrub) (repeat to fade)

 When was the last time you were really scared?

 Click  Here

Fatima Secrets

From: Bells65@wwnet.net

If the Lady of Fatima predicted the fall of the Soviet Empire,
don't Reagan fans owe Her an apology?

After all, if it was determined in 1917 that the Soviets were to rise
and fall, why in the hell should Reagan get any credit?

The Lady of Fatima defeated Russia.
Reagan just spent 4 trillion dollars and took credit for Her work.
May God have have mercy on his soul.

M Colwell


 May 17, 2000        Don't forget West Wing tonight.

 Paul Begala Shoots the Bull


 I don't like looking back, but we had a moment on last night's show that I've
 got to share with you. Ari Fleischer, the smart-as-a-whip flak for the Bush
 campaign, was on the show. I asked him to name any major party nominee
 in all of American history with a thinner, shorter career in public life than
 George W. Bush. He couldn't. No one can. Five years as a weak governor
 in a weak governor system is all he brings to the table.

 Then, in a lame attempt to extricate himself,
 Fleischer tried to extol Bush's record as a businessman.
 What a joke!
 W ran the 993rd largest oil company in Texas -- and he ran it into the ground.

 Of course, his daddy's rich friends also made him the front man for the
 Texas Rangers baseball team. And in that job he championed a major tax
 increase to force taxpayers to build him and his rich friends a stadium.

 That's not leadership, that's salesmanship.
 And he traded Sammy Sosa.
 That one decision alone proves he lacks the judgment required by a president.

 Finger in the Dike

 I know you don't know me,
 but I wish you'd let me
 ask one favor from you:

 My mailbox has messages o' plenty about my Dale Carnegie "error."
 (see below)

 It was a joke!

 I said Dale Carnegie "met and influenced" the railroad people.
 I also said "Skip Scaife" married "Mary Mellon, the cantaloup lady."
 You should always consider the possibility that it was a joke.

 I guess it had been funny, you all wouldn't have written.

 But you don't know the worst part:
 I sold my Aurora with the air-conditioned glove box and bought a Ford Escort.
 I used my Aurora money to hire new writers.
 but they're no better than the last ones!!!

 I will fire them and hire better, smarter, funnier writers!

Monkey Mail

 From: rallenbach@networld.com

 Subject: hey dumb-ass,

 great choice of pictures for the splash page (hitler-eib)
 only one problem.
 hitler was a socialist.
 it's liberalism i.e. big ass government
 with lots and lots of social programs to solve any and all problems
 anyone might ever have that takes you socialism, not capitalism and
 individualality. you missed the boat, fart-cop.


 You mean the guy who murdered blacks, gays, Jews, gypsies,
 intellectuals and teachers was a liberal?
 Thanks for straightening me out.

 Sometimes I get confused and think people murder their enemies,
 instead of murdering their friends, as you've pointed out.

 By the way, what year did you graduate from EIB?
 Rush has done well with you.

 A Pigboy Tip o' the Hat.

 Lying, Nazi Whore

 Yesterday, Pigboy was screaming "hypocrite" at Gore because Smirk
 falsely accused Gore of having his money in the stock market, but saying
 Social Security recipients should have their money guaranteed by Government.

 Then Gore revealed that Smirk was lying
 So, what's today's attack?

 "Gore is such an idiot, he doesn't have his money in the stock market,
 and worse, it proves he doesn't trust the American economy to succeed
 and he doesn't trust the American worker, either."

 Rush is right again!

 Kathie Lee vs Laura the Unloved (update)
 on the Fade to Black website poll

 Who's kid will be in trouble with the law first?

 Kathie Lee Gifford     37%

 Laura Schlessinger    62%

 ha ha

 I believe we have skewed the poll.
 Don't forget - Laura the Unloved recently bragged that she had
 recently purchased two guns, a revolver and an semi-automatic.

 Wanna bet Derhereschek knows where the trigger-lock keys are?

 A Really Great Pigboy Quote

 Clinton claims credit for the great economy, but when that fire started in New Mexico,
 Clinton said he had nothing to do with it.  He wants it both ways.
   --He Who Grunts, May 17, third hour

 ha ha

 That's a great quote!
 I couldn't make this stuff up sober!

 Mail Bag

 From: rustyrail@monmouth.com

 Subject: Golf News


 A friend of mine in Florida says he plays golf on the same course
 as the pig boy. He says he has seen him many times playing
 and he drives and irons OK but he has putter problems.
 He said  he saw Rush wrap his putter around a tree.

 Do you know about this?


 I knew Pigboy had several butt surgeries, but I assure you,
 I know nothing about Pigboy's "putter problems."

 Is the NRA controlled by racists?


 Mail Bag

 From:  gcnews@runestone.net

 Subject: Guns, crime and Clinton

 If we don't need gun control because violent crime is going down,
 where do Republicans come off saying Clinton is soft on crime?

 If crime is coming down, perhaps its because there are more cops
 and more restrictions on guns?  Limba loves to joke about the
 100,000 new cops Clinton hired, saying "Where are they?"

 Well we hired one in our tiny county in Minnesota through
 Clinton's COPSFast program. May small rural counties and towns
 around here did too, and they have made a real difference.

 Chris Ray

 Chris, you make a good point.
 Rush is so goddamn stupid, he thinks the 100,000 cops
 should all be seen in the same place at the same time.

 Crime is down all across the counrty, except for New York City.
 I just saw where domestic violence is down 21 percent since
 the mid-nineties, and do you know why?

 It's because the Clinton economy has created so many good-paying jobs,
 there's less tension in homes and families are getting along better.

 Cancer death are even declining under Clinton.
 I'm convinced God sent Bill Clinton to save us,

 Yeah, it's a real shame that this country won't realize how good
 we've had it until we don't have it anymore.

 Then, Clinton nostalgia will manifest itself across the country.

Space Shuttle Columbia Charged with Sexual Assault


NASA, the embattled space agency, was sent reeling today with charges that Columbia,
the newest of the space shuttle fleet, has been charged with the sexual assault of a 747.

The sexual asault was witnessed by Oklahoma Sen Jim Inhofe (R-Pissquik) who was
flying nearby when he noticed the assault in progress. Inhofe immediately conferred
with Rep. Dan Burton (R-Bastard son) to call for hearings on the matter.

"This is the fault of the present administration," said Pissquik.
"How much more can decent citizens be expected to stomach?"

Great Laura the Unloved Quotes

 "I'm primarily here to talk about my passion for children and their neglect,"
  says The Unloved Schlessinger, who's swirling through New York to promote
 "Parenthood by Proxy:  Don't Have Them If You Won't Raise Them"

 But, Laura, what if a young couple is Catholic?

1.  Abortion is "murder."
2.  Taking the pill is a mortal sin.
3.  Using a condom is a mortal sin.
4.  Vasectomy is a mortal sin.
5   Tube-tying is a mortal sin.
6.  Using any birth control is a mortal sin.

 But Laura the Unloved says, "Don't have them?"

 The Catholics suggest their flock use the always-reliable "rythym method,"
 but what if they're white and don't gots no rythym?

 A thirty-year old couple couple easily have ten children.
 Then what?
 Go to Hell or give up sex until she hits menopause?
 For me, having ten kids would be hell, so that'd be a moot point.

 Laura, you may think you're offering sound solutions,
 but in the Catholic faith there are no sound solutions.

 McCain's Integrity Found


Washington (Rueters) - Senator John McCain's integrity was found today,
charred beyond recodnition in the trunk of a burned-out 1981 Cadillac Fleetwood.
District of Columbia Assistant Coroner Mary Lichter estimated McCain's
integrity had been dead a little over a week, but said she'd need to get it
on the table before she could be more precise.

  More Great Laura the Unloved Quotes

 "I have very strong opinions on things which are very traditional
 and family-based and religion-based, and there are people
 who have very strong opinions on another side."

 This is for that guy who wanted me to show him
 where the Bible says to hate gays.

 Great Richard Cohen Quotes
  From the Clinton-hating Washington Post

 Among the several gifts of Bill Clinton, consider this one:
 He has the ability to drive his critics fucking crazy.
 This is what happened to Reagan speech-writer Peggy Noonan.
 Years of Clinton have taken their toll on her.
 The poor woman may be his last female victim.
 It seems no one has noticed that Clinton has driven her mad.
 The evidence is her recent column in the Whore Street Journal about Elian.

 No president has had this quality since Lyndon Johnson. He, too, was
 considered a politician without an ounce of morality, a political psychopath who,
 it was believed in certain circles, had even climbed into John F. Kennedy's casket.

 Clinton so sets some people off that, in their own circle, no conspiracy theory,
 no speculation, is considered extreme. Vehemently anti-Clinton editorial pages
 will print fucking anything. The Whore Street Journal's editorial page has
 morphed into the Journal of Abnormal Psychology.

 Noonan's piece is worthy of inclusion in a time capsule so that future generations
 will know our times. She ends with a longing for her old boss, Ronald Reagan.
 She not only says he would have stood up to Castro, but would have treated the
 story that Elian was purposefully saved by dolphins as "evidence of the reasonable
 assumption that God's creatures had been commanded to protect one of God's children."

 Get a grip, Peggy.

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 Mail Bag

 From:  young@erim-int.com

 Subject: Scaife

 Regarding Richard Scaife.

 Why did he finance the AK project?
 Why did he retain the Jones law team?
 Why did he endow the Clinton Cock chair at Pepperdine?
 What's in it for him?
 Aren't we supposed to follow the money?
 How would overthrowing the government benefit Scaife?
 He, like anyone else with any extra shekels and a modicum of sense,
 must have doubled or tripled his money since the Clinton team took the reigns.
 What would motivate him to say "Screw that," and try a bloodless coup?

 Peter Young

 Are you from New Jersey?
 (Homage to Gilda Radner)

 Excellent questions, all.
 The answer is very simple, but first a little history.
 Over a hundred years ago, Dale Carnegie met and influenced
 a lot of people in the railroad industry.

 After taking over all the railroads in this country, he attracted a lot of
 business as a shipping magnet. At one time, Dale got a "duty" for
 every piece of freight shipped in and out of New York harbor.

 Koresh, that's a lot of money.

 As time went buy, Dale's offspring started getting stupid.
 There's an old saying with big money:
 The first generation makes the money,
 the second generation exploits the money,
 the third generation goes crazy from chronic masturbation.

 Dale's grandson met some cantaloup growers called the Mellons.
 He soon became engaged to Margarite Mellon and had six kids.
 One of those kids was a daughter named Mary Margarite Mellon,
 who would later marry Skip Scaife.

 Skip Scaife was Richard Mellon Scaife's father.
 So, Little Richard was born richer than the soil they use
 to grow Matanuska Valley Thunderfuck.

 So, your question is, "Why would a man born with untold billions
 use his power to try to reverse a national election in a country where
 he has all the freedom in the world?"

 For the same reason the vulgar Pigboy spends 80 hours a week
 fabricating new lies about Clinton when he can't possibly spend
 the hundred million he has now.  Why does he bother?

 For the same reason Laura the Unloved launched a monsterously
 evil attack on innocent gay Americans when she's already got
 $70,000,000 jacking up interest in the bank every day and she still adds
 another million a month to it.  Why does she bother?

 For the same reason these religious charlatans continue to steal money
 from the sick, the old and the dying when they couldn't possibly spend
 the millions they've already stolen.  Why do they bother?

 For the same reason Bill Gates must strangle any person or company
 with a new idea that might challenge his Supreme Supremacy,
 even tho he's got more cash than Carnegie, Mellon, Scaife, Pigboy,
 Laura the Unloved and the religious frauds combined.

 Now, if we could just fugure out what that reason is,
 I could answer your question.

 It's a real mystery.

 TV Update

 Fox TV has semi-settled with David Duchovny.
 He's coming back for half the shows.

 Roseanne's John Goodman will play a gay father, living with
 Frasier's drunken-lout Anthony Lapaglia in a show that'll suck.

 The X-Files's Lone Gunmen are getting their own show.
 I don't know why, but I think that'll work.

 There's a Blair Witch Project #2 coming out?
 That'll suck.

 Seinfeld's Kramer is getting his own show as a bumbling detective.
 That could be good.

 Lastly, there's C.S.I. an autopsy show about Las Vegas.
 Las Vegas corpses have the best autopsies in the world.

 Here's something you don't see every day.

 It's a nude picture of Eva Braun, Hitler's goomah.
 Where else but  bartcop.com  could you see that?

 If you look real close, (see enhancement below) you can see the diamond
 Adolph gave her.  It looks just like the one Mayor Plunger gave his goomah.

 Koresh Help Him

 You know who had a really, really bad week?
 And he doesn't even know it yet?

 Larry Ross of Lansing, Michigan, the poor bastard.
 His life was ruined completely last week when the state of Michigan
 announced he had won $90,000,000 in their stupid, homewrecking lottery.

 Like that idiot rapist Hollywood Henderson, he gave up a third so he
 could get his greedy little hands on every goddamn penny right now.

 That poor bastard.
 His life will forever be divided into his early, happy life
 and his life-in-the-hell-of-all-hells as a "lucky" lottery winner.

 It's already started, trust me.
 He said he was going to wait 90 days to buy something.
 Money has a very strong appeal.
 He won't last 10 days.

 This poor bastard is going to lose everything.
 Sure, he'll do the two years of Vegas, cocaine, strippers and the rest.
 He'll get his mansion, that he'll have to sell before 2005.
 He'll get his gold-plated Lamborghini with the oral sex package.
 He'll get to Paris and Hawaii and take lots of pictures with his
 broadcast-quality camcorder, but who will want to watch them with him?

 His wife will leave him, and she'll take $15-20 million in the bitter divorce.
 His kids won't even be talking to him in two year's time.

 Every friend he has is going to need some "emergency" money,
 and if he gives it to them, they'll just fuck him.
 If he refuses, they'll just abandon him anyway.

 He'll get big-headed and take a swing at a cop and do some time.
 His buddies at work will stop speaking to him.
 Every woman he meets until he's broke will just want his money.
 Same for every friend he's had since childhood.

 If he had any brains at all, he'd assume that anyone he meets from now on
 is only after his money. And if he's blissfully stupid, he'll believe they like him
 for being plain old Larry Ross and then they'll fuck him to death.

 After a while, he'll re-marry some big-tittied golddigging whore,
 who will also divorce him and take the rest of his money.

 This poor bastard.
 If he survives his years as an HIV-infected homeless man, he'll always
 remember May 12, 2000, the day he lost everything he ever loved.

 He says he plans to give some money to charity.
 Will the charity remember him and take him in in 2005?
 Or will they fuck him, too?

 If I'd won that money, I'd donate a million to the Democrats
 just to have a quiet dinner with our best president ever.

 Then I'd pay some lawyer to draw up some unbreakable trust where
 I could only have $100,000 a year maximum so I could still be me.


 If you're the religious type, say a prayer for Larry Ross.
 That poor bastard.

 He just lost everything.

I was just thinking...

I'm so old, I've seen the Three Stooges live.
When I was just a kid, at a circus in ....Denver!
 Course, Curly was gone by then, but it meant something to see them.

 Mother of a VCR Alert

 First Hour

 Regis continues his slide into obscurity.
 Will he still have a show on at Christmas?
 Or will we all be tired of this fixed gimmick by then?

 The Judds Reunion
 Koresh, save me from these three Clinton-haters.
 Naomi claims she was an eyewitness to "Monica's repeated rapes."
 Wy-no-na was sued for the homosexual harrassment of her farm hands,
 and Ashley has it in her contract that she won't perform without flashing her kootie.
 This suck bunch could lose a child-custody case to the Sopranos.

 Beverly Hills 90210 Series Finale, swear to Koresh
 I confess, last year when they showed promos of the blonde pointing
 a gun at her rapist, I had to tune in to see if she pulled the trigger.
 She did.
 Good for blondie.

 USA Today says Tori Spelling is getting married tonight, so the
 cliffhanger is, will they get a wedding bed big enough for her mother, too?
 Tori Spelling is the only 35-year old virgin on TV.
 Will marriage change that?
 Or will she remain her momma's daughter forever?

 7 Days on UPN
 "A presidential candidate has evil secrets."
 Tune in to see which Smack-off wrestler plays Smirk.

 Second Hour

 Drew Carey
 Clinton-hating Drew is going to beg for an Emmy tonight.
 This is the most shameless whoring since Kathie Lee begged her viewers
 to declare her "prettiest slut on TV" for TV Guide's fixable contest.
 I'll bet real money Hollywood will respond and give it to him,
 proving that whoring always works.
 Oh, well, at least he won't be singing...

 Spin City
 We all like Michael J Fox, and we're all sorry he's got Parkinson's.
 He seems to be handling it with all the dignity ABC isn't.
 To hear those ABC whore promos, he's only got days to live.
 Michael, we're with you, buddy.
 Relax, retire, spend time with your wife and kids.

 I already know how this story ends.
 They're not planning any changes, are they?

 West Wing
 A jet fighter down in Iraq,
 a space shuttle in deep trouble,
 and a hero loses her life.
 They say this is the big one.

 Third Hour

 The Awful Truth
 I'm still not sure about Michael Moore.
 I distinctly remember him calling Clinton "that rapist."
 Can anyone confirm?
 I can't watch him till I get past that.

 Law and Order starring Angie Harmon
 This week, it's a dead stripper!
 Hey, any excuse to run a picture of Angie.

 Angie, if you need help running your lines, lemme know.

 Fade to Black  has a new poll this week.

 "If you had to wager, whose kid do you think
  will get in trouble with the law first?"

 Kathie Lee Gifford   OR   Laura the Unloved?

 As of this right now, the standings are

 Laura Schlessinger -44%
 Kathie Lee Gifford -55%

 We can't let Cody and Bilbo steal this!
 We can't let Derhereschek down!

 Vote for the Schlessinger boy!

 The Headline that Never Was

 This story got VERY little airtime, and that pisses me off.

 Last week, in Prairie Grove, Arkansas, just a few miles from FayetteNam
 where Ol' BartCop got his "education," a local policeman named
 Greg Lovett was hired to be a security guard for the school.

 His job, obviously, was to be armed and ready for trouble.
 So, some snot-nose little seventh-grade fucker had a bad day.
 He left the school, went home, got a shotgun and headed back
 towards the school with murder on his mind.

 The security guard spotted this little bastard walking towards the school
 with the shotgun and drew his weapon and ordered the dirty snot to drop
 the weapon immediately.  The little bastard shot the policeman.

 Knowing he was the only chance to prevent another potential Colombine,
 the cop put a slug in the little bastard's stomach, dropping him.

 The little shit was in stable condition, the cop was treated and released,
 and the kids all got to go home to their families that night.

 Greg Lovett risked his life for those kids.
 He's a hero.
 But he won't be on Larry King.
 He won't be on the Today Show or Good Morning Whores.
 He won't get a week on Fox Whore News.
 He won't be on Horendo Revolver or Cannity and Holmes.
 After all, he's no Darva Conger.

 Ain't that a bitch?

 Real heroes are shit on in America,
 and that pisses me off with no end in sight.

 Greg Lovett, you are a real hero!

 A shot of Chinaco for Greg Lovett!

 Don't Stop Dr. Laura
  From Friday's USA Today, by Robert Bianco, TV Critic

 Oh, there's no doubt that television would be better off without
 radio's most famous physiologist, Laura Schessinger,
 (ha ha  good shot, Robert)

 or that groups campaigning to stop Paramount from syndicating her show
 have a right to do so. The First Amendment gives her the right to talk;
 it doesn't give her a right to a talk show or excuse Paramount from
 supplying her with a forum for her strident attacks on single mothers,
 homosexuals and working women.

 Just because you can do something doesn't make it wise.
 If the appeal to the show's local affuilliates fails (and if local stations
 worked in the public interest, Jenny Jones would have been off the air
 the day after a guest was murdered), Schlessinger comes out looking
 like the victor. If it succeeds, she's a martyr. Either way, the campaign
 grants her more importance than she's worth

 I'd take that risk if I thought she posed some danger to society,
 but as best I can tell, she's a joke.  If she has so much influence
 why haven't millions of working mothers quit their jobs?

 People don't listen to her radio show for advice; they listen to hear
 her insult her callers. She's the fake-psychiatrist version of Judge Judy
 and the act is just as likely to wear thin over time.

 While the treehouse was dark last week,

 Michael Bolton was ordered to pay the Isley Brothers $5,400,000
 for stealing their song, "Love is a Wonderful Thing."

 ha ha

 That's the second time this year a court has gotten one right.

 How many abortions Laura the Unloved had?

 Don't sit there looking so shocked - look at the facts, instead:

 She's vehemently against kids being shuffled off to some child care facility,
   but she admits doing that when she was getting started in radio.

 She's vehemently against living in sin without a marriage contract,
   but she admits doing that when she was "so godlessly secular."

 She's vehemently against naked young girls straddling a camera lens,
   but every kid on Earth with a modem has pictures of her kootie.

 She's vehemently against mixed-faith marriages,
   but she didn't even have religion when she was married.

 She's vehemently against dishonoring one's parents,
   but she refuses to speak to her mother or sister.

 She's vehemently against having children out of wedlock,
   but her precious little Derhereschek was born a bastard.

 ...and she's vehemently against abortion.

 Do the math.

 Has she ever denied having an abortion?

 Remember her pattern of behavior:
 She refused to admit those ultra-vulgar pictures were her
 even after millions of teenage boys had seen her kootie!

 Her pattern was deny, deny, deny, but then a judge ruled that since millions
 of teenage boys were already masturbating to her vulgar straddle-pics,
 there'd be no sense trying to put shit back in the donkey.

 The smart money says Laura the Unloved is a baby-killer.

 How many, Laura?

 More than three?


 From: heckuba@yahoo.com

 Subject:  Bobby Knight

 The amount of stuff you get wrong is astronomical.
 Especially when it comes to Rush, who you hatefully refer to as Pigboy.
 For instance you said Rush defended Bobby Knight choking a player.

 WRONG, Rush many times mentioned the fact that
 it was wrong for Bobby Knight to choke that player.
 You either failed to here that or just didn't want to.



 I'm certain this isn't the case, but please allow me to speak to you
 as though you were a clueless moron and a complete idiot, OK?

 Twenty times I heard Rush say, "I won't defend what he did,"
 then he spent the next three hours defending what he did.

 If Rush wasn't defending Knight, what was he doing all day?
 Attacking him?

 Do you think Rush is capable of talking about anybody or anything
 without wildly exaggerating the good or bad of the situation?

 How do you think he got so rich?

 Ring on Ho's Finger May Cost Plunger His Career

 If the diamond ring on Judi Nathan's finger is genuine,
 it could be worth up to $20,000, say New York's top jewelers.

 The rock has invited speculation about how serious Mayor Plunger is
 about his whore, especially since the 45-year-old tramp has not been shy
 about flashing it around when she walks her spaniel.

 The mayor wouldn't say yesterday whether he gave Nathan the ring.
 "I'm not going to answer questions about my private life," Rudy barked.

 Ok, first of all, that's a "yes."

 Question for the Plunger:

 Do you think God is blind?
 Here we go again, Rudy peeing on the Catholic Church.
 Are New York Catholics going to give him a pass?
 Don't New York Catholics take their nutty faith seriously?

 Remember when Smirk had to kiss the ring of Cardinal O'Connor?
 He did it because he slept with Catholic-hater Bob Jones to win Carolina,
 and 40 percent of New York voters are Catholic.

 Hell, I'd always heard New Yorkers were tough, but if you let Rudy
 get away with this, either you think your religion is a sham
 or you're just a bunch of pussies who enjoy being walked on.

 Jesus Christ!
 You New York Catholics take your faith about as seriously as I do.

 And now he's going to openly court his whore?
 As a Catholic?
 And get Catholic votes?

 May 16, 2000

 Helen Thomas Bails Out
  No Moonies for Veteran Reporter

 WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Helen Thomas, the dean of the White House press
 corps and a tenacious reporter who has covered every president  since Kennedy,
 said on Tuesday she did not intend to stay with UPI under its new ownership.

 "Fuck that Moonie shit," Thomas said in a hastily-called press conference.
 "I'm not working for anyone who partners up with George Bush Senior."

 UPI said it planned to continue to operate as an independent news organization,
 except they will focus mostly on stories involving Clinton's Cock..

 So, UPI will become "fair and balanced" like Fox?

 Great Corporate Quotes
  Running From the She-Thing

 "We've decided not to sponsor the Dr. Laura show.
 There has been controversy surrounding Dr. Laura on a number of topics.
 We've chosen not to be involved with a show that will require time and
 resources to deal with this kind of controversy...

 Today there are lots of programming options and we've decided there
 are better ones for us,"read the Proctor & Gamble public statement.

 ha ha

 Well-known devil-worshippers Proctor & Gamble are bailing.


 An old hero of mine was on the news today.
 Madalyn Murray O'Hair was probably murdered years ago, but her body
 has never been found. Some speculate her body is buried in Smirkville.

 People say Madalyn was the woman who took prayer out of schools.
 This is not true.

 Madalyn was the woman who asked the Supreme Court to decide if the
 United States Constitution meant something, or was it just a sham document.

 There's a (supposedly) true story that when they told her the Supreme Court
 had ruled in her favor on the school prayer issue, she said, "Thank God."

 I remember watching her debate decades ago.
 She debated like Barry Lynn does now, but with a lot more sarcasm.
 I can't deny some of BartCop may have come from her.

 Some religio-wacko would try to pin her down on some point and she'd
 let loose with some biting sarcasm that nobody is even doing today.
 Madalyn knew where all the dirty, nasty parts of the Bible were.

 When some woman would confront her, Madalyn would say,
 "Yound lady, do you have any idea what the Bible says about women?"
 and then she'd quote a few lines and the woman's jaw would drop!
 Whenever the ditto-monkey got hysterical, Madalyn would always stay
 on-point, just like Barry Lynn,  and remind the ditt that this was a legal issue.

 Rumor has it that Madalyn said she'd rather "go off and die by myself,"
 rather than allow Christians "the opportunity to pray for me."
 (Ol' BartCop has no prayer phobia.)

 I've got some of her debates on tape, deep in the vaults.
 I'll try to find the time to dig those out.

 As far as I know, she died undefeated.
 I never saw anyone land a glove on her, but I saw many try.
 And I thought it was very brave of Chicago to name
 O'Hare Airport after her.

 Thanks, Maddy.
 America is much, much stronger because of you.

  I guess talking to a dead atheist doesn't make much sense...

 Baseball News

 Last week, the St Louis Cardinals signed slugger Jim Edmonds
 to a six-year, $57,000,000 contract extension.

 Edmonds is currently the top hitter in baseball, batting an impossible .393
 with 12 home runs and a wild .516 on-base percentage.
 Those crazy bastards, the California Angels traded him to St Louis.
 Edmonds could've made more money somewhere else, but he's smart.
 (Once you're getting $57,000,000, you don't need more money
  unless you're a greedy-ass Clinton-hating prostitute.)

 But Jim!
 Why play for St Louis when you can make more money somewhere else?

 Great Cardinal Quotes

 "I got a standing ovation my first at-bat. (in a pre-season game)
  I thought that was pretty special, considering it was louder than
  at any one point in Anaheim during a regular season game."

 In St Louis, baseball players are treated with enormousrespect
 by the smartest, most loyal fans in baseball

 To their credit, St Louis does not send radical, right-wing, fundie-pugs
 to congress to fuck up the incredible progress Bill Clinton has made.
 No, that's Oklahoma's job.

 So, the home run grid has a new set up:

 Edmonds    12
 Griffey       13
 McGwire    14
 Sosa           13

 ...and they're all in the NL Central.

 Final thought: McGwire needs 219 home runs to beat Ruth and Aaron.
 He's 36, granted, but he's has averaged 61+  homers each the last for years.

 Celebrity Mail

 From: Judy O'Christian

 Subject: Speech you may enjoy

 Last month, "Pastor Deacon Fred," the founder of Landover Baptist,
 gave an incredible speech -- in character -- to the American Atheists
 at their convention in Sin Francisco. I think you'll enjoy it.

 Audio/video streaming version:

 Audio/video nonstreaming version:

 In case those links don't work in this email, you can go to
 to scroll down and find them.

 Hope you like it, and feel free to link to it!

 Mrs. Judy O'Christian
 Co-Chair, Republicans Are The Solution (RATS)
 Chairwoman, Submissive Ladies Under Theocratic Salvation (SLUTS)

 (Ediotr's Note: Judy O'Christian is a better Christian than you.)

 Mail Bag

 From: (withheld)


 You seem very confident that there is no God.
 What happens if you're wrong?

 I guess I'll just hope that the vulgar Pigboy
 is standing in line in front of me in Heaven.

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