Elian's Fisherman Files
By The Associated Press
MIAMI (AP) -- The unemployed fisherman who
lost his found a pot o' gold
when Janet Reno took his face-licker away is suing the federal government,
saying his constitutional right to ....to.....well, anyway, he's certain that his
rights were violated somehow, so he went looking for a good attorney.
All reputable attorneys refused to
take this sure-loser, so he was referred to
the man who'll take any case against Clinton, Larry (Inch-dick) Klayman.
The federal lawsuit filed Monday by Donato Dalrymple
against Janet Reno,
INS Commissioner Doris Meissner seeks damages in excess of $100 million.
Hey Larry, why stop there?
Why not sue for $100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to show us you're serious?
"The complaint alleges unnecessary and excessive
physical force,'' said Tom Fitton,
one of Klayman's toadies at Judicial Watch, a conservative group that has filed
over 160 suits against the most successful presidential administration in history.
Dalrymple claims his Fourth Amendment right against
and seizure was violated when agents broke into Marysleezes's home.
If this works, I'm going to file, too.
After all, it wasn't my home, either!
The suit also claims that Reno, Holder and Meissner
violated his Fifth
Amendment due process rights.
Whoops, Klayman did it again!
The Fifth Amendment prohibits a citizen from testifying against himself.
When was the Fisherman forced to testify against himself?
I missed that testimony.
In addition, the attorneys filed another lawsuit
on behalf of Michael Stafford,
a protester who claims he was beaten and tear-gassed during the raid.
Stafford is also seeking damages in excess of $100 million.
You mean the guy who got his head cut by the cop's watchband?
He's suing for $110,000,000 because he scuffled with some cop?
This can't be real.
Newt is registered at macysbridal.com
if you want to send him a gift,
or a congradulatory message on bagging his THIRD wife.
Family Values - the third time around.
Whoops, They did it Again
Did you see Fox Whore News Sunday Morning?
They did it again!
They showed a graphic of a Zogby poll that had Hillary at 45
and Rick Lazio (is that his name?) at 32 % with 17 % undecided.
So what conclusion did the Fox Whore News characters draw?
"Hillary can't win - no way - her negatives are too high."
You know how disappointed the clueless dorks who trust Fox News
are going to be come November? And what will Fox do?
They'll claim Hillary "stole" the election "with Clintonesque trickery,"
instead of having the courage to admit they led the easily-led
down a big, fat liar's path, and the sheep fell for it.
You know who's the worst?
Hey, Juan, just suck me, OK?
He's more Uncle Tom than Uncle OJ Watts or Slappy the
At least Watts and Thomas have been Whitey's Boy's all their lives.
Williams just turned Clinton-hater recently when Fox wrote him a big, fat check.
Granted, I'm not too fond of Uncle Tom sicko-fants, but gratuitous
Uncle Tom check-cashing whore-traitors piss me off royally.
Back to Lazio...
Can I confess something to you?
I realize as a Clinton fan, certain expectations are thrust upon me.
I was supposed to hate Smirk the first time I saw him.
As vicious, Nazi whore bastards go, his father wasn't the worst
He's a traitorous, back-stabbing, constitution-thwarting lying pig, sure,
but he was never at the top of the Nazi list, so I gave Smirk a break,
out of some twisted respect-for-the-presidency failing I possess.
It took me several weeks to get up a real dislike for Smirk.
Same for Giuliani.
I just didn't know much about him.
They said he was kinda liberal, for a Republican, so I was willing to
give him a break and see where the chips fell before bothering to invest
any strong negative emotions against Mayor Plunger.
Then he pulled that shit with the homeless people, and stood behind
cops who were shooting un-armed blacks one after another. Those and
other things led me to a nice, healthy dislike for that Rudy son-of-a-bitch.
But this Lazio guy?
I started hating him the minute I saw that shit-eating grin.
I can't wait to dismember this asshole over the coming months.
I saw his "acceptance" speeech over the weekend.
Did you catch it?
He could've shown us one goddamn day of him being a human being,
but he went after Hillary like she'd murdered his parents.
Instead of talking about the issues, he started right in on how
Hillary was and how he was going to save New York from her.
One of the things that reallyt pisses me off about these clowns,
(and it shouldn't, because this is why they always end up losing)
is the way they forget that the entire spectrum is watching them.
When he goes into this massive "I Hate Hillary More Than You"
the red-meat ditto-spanks in the crowd always start chanting and cheering
like Smirk at an execution of a young, repentant Christian woman,
but they always forget the VOTERS are watching.
If there ever comes a time when they remember the voters
we could possibly lose an election at that point, but we're not there yet.
Instead of laying out some kind of vision for New York or this
Lazio starts whining about America's beloved First Lady, saying,
"She's so ultra-ultra-ultra-ultra-ultra-ultra-ultra-ultra liberal.
She's about as much of a "new Democrat" as she is a New Yorker!"
...then he stopped, looked around the room and flashed that shit-eating
that told me he thought he just delivered the biggest punch line of the century.
No matter that bad behavior like that will cost him thousands
it felt so good to him to lay a glove on a woman who wasn't there.
He doesn't mind sacrificing his career in politics, as long as he gets a foot
closer to the opportunity to stick a shiv into someone named Clinton.
That's the ONLY thing the GOP can think about these days.
Do they think the voters don't see this?
So, the Hate Lazio Season has started, and I just bought my permit.
It's amazing, I already dislike this piece of shit more than Rudy.
(Note to JannyQ1: At your leisure, if you could create another
of Hillary stomping this newest GOP loser into the ground, I'd love to run it.)
Anybody else with me on this?
This Lazio prick rubbed me the wrong way the second I laid eyes
Especially that shit-eating Smirk. It's a good damn thing for him we already
have a Smirk in this race, because he could've earned the title.
Lazio, it's going to be a lot of fun kicking your smirking ass this year.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Paul Harvey!
Paula Harvey just said, (12:08 CST) that Lazio was "coming
in his race against Hillary.
Hey, horse molester!
Being 13 points behind, running against the most popular
woman in America
is your whore idea of Lazio "coming on strong?"
What a whore...
Meanwhile, did the see the funeral John McLaughlin put on?
Granted, McLaughlin is more stupid than Chippy the Chimp,
but McLaughlin sees smoooooth sailing for Hillary all the way now.
He said, "We're just going to have to get used to the idea that we'll
have the Clinton's in our lives for another six years.
You got this one right.
They went around the horn, rating Hillary's chances from 0-10,
zero being Hillary can't win and 10 being metaphyical certitude that
Hillary was a lock, and even the Clinton haters rated her chances
at better than 50-50, with the less-simian leaners at a 7 or 8.
They said Gore was a shoe-in to win New York, and pull Hillary in with him.
How does the GOP manage to fuck everything up?
By following the vulgar Pigboy's plan.
The more the New York slugs attack Hillary, the more dignified her response.
If the GOP had any ideas on any issues, they might've had a chance.
All they can do is scream hate at Hillary.
You know what would be fun sometime?
Get the vulgar Pigboy in a soundproof vault, like they use on game shows,
and tell him a story of an immoral politician that goes like this:
BartCop: Rush, there's a mayor, of a major American city, who's
from his wife for a long time, so he stared dating another woman openly.
To everyone's shock, he even gives here a ring.
Pigboy: Who is this guy?
BartCop: Wait, not yet.
This big-city mayor is so cocky, so secure with his new shack-up honey,
that he openly dated her right in front of the city press corp.
Pigboy: Sounds like a liberal, if the press is giving him a free ride.
BartCop: But should this guy be allowed to run for higher office?
Pigboy: It depends on the circumstances.
BartCop: But you already have the circumstances.
Pigboy: But who is the guy?
BartCop: Why does that matter?
Isn't morality important without looking to see if there's
a "D" or an "R" behind a politician's name?
Pigboy: I need more information before I can make a decision.
BartCop: Let's try it this way:
Tell me your opinion of a politician who cheats on his wife.
Pigboy: I think Clinton is a bad man for doing that.
BartCop: So, it's immoral when a politician cheats on his wife?
Pigboy: What Clinton did was sleazy, he should resign.
BartCop: So any politician caught cheating on his wife should resign?
Pigboy: Clinton is a bad, bad man and should resign.
These are the answers you get from money-grubbing whores.
They can't say, "Cheating politicians should resign," because the GOP
has too many cheaters on their side.
The same "trick" can be used dozens of ways.
BartCop: Should politicians allow donors to sleep in the Lincoln
or the Governor's mansion in Austin?
Pigboy: What Clinton did was a crime.
BartCop: So, any politician who lets donors stay over is a crook?
Pigboy: Clinton is a crook.
You see how they are?
Laura the Unloved, Paul Harvey, Bill Bennett - they're all the same.
Their outrage depends on which party the "offender" belongs to.
They're not Disciples of Virtue.
They're merely partisan whores for money.
How can anybody argue with that?
Bill Bennett is a whore.
Laura Schlessinger is a whore.
Rush the vulgar Pigboy is a whore.
Paul Harvey is a whore.
They're all whores.
...and if I'm characterizing any of them in a way that defames their
why don't they sue me and make me stop?
Lightning hit the bartcop.com server Friday night.
I'll still have text, during the week, but everything else is
Will be back up Monday morning.
From: Robin Casey firstname.lastname@example.org
Please post this on your page.
Greg Lovett and the Prairie Grove Police Department
thank all of you who have written letters of thanks.
Greg is doing very well and all of the letters have been forwarded
The first shot was to the face and the good Lord must have had a hand in it
because it didn't take out his eyes. There were shot wounds around both eyes.
He is doing well now, but doesn't feel good about shooting
a boy of 12.
He did it to save other lives.
Again thank you for your concern and outpouring of support.
Chief Robin Casey
Prairie Grove Police Department
If you get a a chance,
could you say a prayer for these guys?
Seems like every day, a new "scandal" shows up about George W.
This is the latest one:
I think these "scandals" are some kind of dry run, like testing
the air raid sirens.
This stuff isn't going to bring down Smirk.
Bribes and kickbacks are too common - people just don't care.
But trust me, the Gore people are sitting on the big stuff.
They're not worried, they know what's coming.
Oh, God, it's going to be so awful.
For it to be really, really good,
Smirk has to stick his head allllllll the way into the noose.
For this to be really, really good,
Smirk has to raise that prick-factor up another 10-12 points.
He can do that, I know he can!
That way, when the fall comes, it'll be spectacular.
I mostly feel sorry for Pickles.
She never wanted any of this.
She's on record, same as his twin daughters, they didn't want any of this.
And they damn sure don't want what's about to happen.
Smirk deserves to be taken down, but not like this.
Oh, it's going to be ugly.
Great Carolina Quotes
"The damn southerners!"
-- Andy Griffith, on the set, November 22, 1963
I quit drinking.
You think that's strange?
A regular reader wrote and asked if that was the case,
because he noticed a change in my tone.
Isn't that amazing?
Subject: The West Wing and Handguns
On the Latest you asked why the shooters
would use handguns
when rifles or other types of guns would be more effective.
One of the reasons is that I see them using
this episode as a primer
for the handgun debate going on in nation today. They will make the
issue about no waiting period if you purchase a gun at a gun show.
Also how easy it is to use fake ID's to
purchase guns at these shows.
Also how easy it is to take one of your parent's guns and use it
leading into the trigger lock arguments.
I'm sure there are other scenarios they
could go into if they want to.
It's the best written show on TV today.
I should've sen that.
You've always been smarter than me.
When I take over, you will have a job in my administration.
Rush on Monday Night Football
If notoriety and controversy are the best reasons to hire a guy
for the Monday Night Football broadcast, why not hire OJ Simpson?
He already has network-level NFL broadcast experience
and Koresh knows OJ knows the game of football.
New York Radio Ratings
Total Persons 12+, Mon-Fri, 10 AM-3 PM. (Winter, 2000 #)
1. WLTW - 8.7 (8.7)
2. WCBS - 5.5 (5.2)
3. WKTU - 4.9 (4.1)
4. WQCD - 3.6 (3.6)
4. WSKQ - 3.6 (3.7)
6. WQHT - 3.5 (3.8)
7. WAXQ - 3.3 (3.0)
7. WHTZ - 3.3 (3.5)
9. WXRK - 3.2 (3.1) - Stuttering John and modern rock
10. WTJM - 3.1 (3.3)
10. WRKS - 3.1 (2.8)
12. WABC - 3.0 (3.2) - Rush and Dr Laura
Thanks to email@example.com
Subject: National police week
Just so you know, this week is National
It seems fittingly appropriate that you're asking people
to send well wishes to Sgt. Lovett this week.
Add to that, the news that Lovett helped the little bastartd
after they both went down.
I'd be helping him, all right.
Like Dirty Harry helped the Zodiac killer at Candlestick...
Just proves Sgt Lovett is a better man than me.
I've had some requests for some documentation/confirmation
of the Lovett Hero story. While it lasts, here's a link.
Click Here to see the forever version
Stroke Me, Stroke Me
Peter King? If Peter King runs against Hillary, go shine your
Peter King is the car chasing the dog.
Marta, please help your husband when he's in trouble...
Can you believe, now that The Plunger has bailed out of
allllllllll the Republicans are saying this is "good news," because
"Anyone would be stronger than Rudy," against Hillary.
That's not what they were saying thirty days ago.
Thirty days ago Rudy was the "perfect candidate" to run against Hillary.
Here's another one:
A GOP official, said Giuliani planned to attribute his decision to his health
As if he'd stand there and say, "Since I got caught with my goomah,
I'd be an idiot to ask catholics for their vote?"
I wonder if the spinners even know they're lying?
Possible Positions to be Filled:
Show Biz Ediotr
Persons of Intelligence
To be sure, it's a no-pay job, however:
We're talking about minutes per day, in a field you enjoy.
For instance, the Sports Ediotr might help keep track of the
Home Run race and other whatevers such as tomorrow's Preakness.
The Shoz Biz Ediotr might corral new pictures of Heidi Klum, track
openings and reviews and keep a list of advertisers running away from
Laura the Unloved and her new hate show on Paramount.
There's always that one-in-a-million that bartcop.com could turn into
something profitable, but that probably can't be done by one person.
I realize how pie-in-the-sky that sounds, but this website is
less manageable every week. I realize how ego-driven that sounds,
but if progress is to be made, I'll need some help.
Should bartcop.com become profitable, I would
not be in a hurry to
replace the loyal volunteers with new people I don't know.
This "offer" is more of a trial balloon than a contract.
Also, remember that as this is being written, the mail is down.
I don''t know if that's all of Mindspring or just bartcop.com
So think about it.
(Orphans and singles given priority)
bartcop.com needs YOU!
Rudy Drops Out!
Another BartCop prediction that won't come true...
BartCop: If you want to see gay people on TV who don't act the
check out a channel called C-Span. They have a whole bunch of gays who
don't act limp-wristed.
There's a character named Lott. He wears conservative dark blue
has no earrings. His character spends a lot of time with DeLay, which
happens to be the name of a cream that helps gay men "last" longer.
There's another character called Helms. He actually criticizes
gays, but in
secret he's a cross-dresser, like his hero, Hoover (another double-entendre
from the show's producers). One character, called Largent, actually got a
job where he could hang out in men's locker rooms, but he doesn't flaunt his
You'd never even guess these men were gay until you heard the dialog
the show--they're always talking about some other guy's penis. That's
right, almost every show is about Bill's (he's not gay, but he doesn't hate
gays, either) penis. They go on and on about it. They once had a character
named Newt (who's since been written out of the show) who PROMISED
to talk about Bill's penis for every single episode.
They also like to talk about how bad it would be if women were allowed
Navy ships during long trips at sea.
There are two openly gay cast members. One is a guy named Hatch.
He's flaming, but in a subdued, English barrister way.
The other is this guy called Chenowith. He dresses like a woman right
on the show (and he's not very attractive, either), but I hear he's going
to written out of the script in November.
C-Span used to have the most openly gay character on TV, a man called
B-1 Bob. But the audience didn't like him, so they wrote him out of the
script, too. He does some other acting now, mostly All-Male Cast stuff.
When I got Sgt Greg Lovett's e-mail, address, it came verbally.
She told me "RKC@pgtc.net" but that was wrong.
I haven't heard anything back from them yet.
It would be nice if they were too swamped with well-wishers,
but something tells me that's not the case.
If you get a chance to send some "attaboys"
to the man who was shot three times saving some kids,
I'll bet those birdshot wounds would hurt a little less.
Quick TV Round-Up
The Friends was good.
You had to be surprised, right?
But you know what they could've done?
They could've ended the show with six minutes left, then gone back
Pulp Fiction-style and showed the scene where Joey stopped Monica.
Odds are, Monica went home, packed her bags and was heading out
for her parent's house when Joey stopped her and said, "You just can't!"
It would've been a great scene, and could've shown that Matt Le Blanc
actually has some acting talent, (assuming he has some.)
Would that not have been as big an emotional wallop as the candle
By the way, is Tom Selleck gay?
He'd be a good choice to play a gay character that wasn't a pansy.
But it was a good show.
I don't mean to pull a Pigboy here, but I expected the last show to rule.
When I said they took a good story and spread it too far, making last
week's show a near-disaster, what I meant was had they skipped last
weeks debacle and gone directly from show #1 to show #3, it would've
been a much more satisfying end to a good year for a good show.
...and how did NBC reward this incredible cash cow?
By threatening to cancel them.
NBC, eat me.
The Frasier was even better.
What a bomb Niles dropped when he disclosed that they got married.
Frasier is the best-written comedy on television.
The elevator scene was a masterpiece.
This poor lady is trying to get her laundry back to her apartment
and gets jumped on by Frasier for "pretending she wasn't listening."
What the hell else could she do?
Stuck in an elevator with a woman in tears telling some wild story
about loving one man and marrying the other?
Then, when they took the elevator down, that same lady was there.
catching another earful of something she never asked for.
So, in the final elevator scene, her simple hug brought the house down.
That's top-notch comedy writing - the best on TV today.
It's gotta be hard to write those scenes where Niles and Dad know,
but Frazier and Daphne find out one at-a-time, all the time they're
in the same room discovering things piecemeal.
How in the hell do they keep that straight?
And the surprise ending?
Didn't Daphne look great in white?
In the final scene, Niles pulls a Rudy and attempts to marry two
women in two days.
Let's hope he's not Catholic.
Best line of the night?
"Fasten your seat belt, Niles!"
...and how did NBC reward this funniest comedy on TV?
They move them to graveyard Tuesday, to anchor a dead night.
NBC, eat me.
Then there was the monsterously inept ER fiasco.
What whores NBC was.
Last week, they promised nothing!
All they said was, "Many of TV's finest moments have come on a Thursday."
That was pure class.
Understating the big, big show where their last star leaves.
So what do they do this week?
"You thought last week was big?
You won't BELIEVE how shocking this week is!!!!!!!"
NBC took all of last week's credibility and pissed it away.
And what was the big, big shocking secret?
I give up.
I didn't see anything too shocking, did you?
NBC, thy name is whore.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
You gave us two diamonds and a sack of coal last night.
Headline: Nancy Reagan Endorses Smirk
To be expected, you'd think, but remember 1992?
TV Guide reported that Ronnie refused to vote for Smirk's daddy.
The feeling at the time was there's no way Ronnie would vote for
so either he didn't bother to vote or he voted for our current president.
Maybe Reagan wasn't the idiot everybody said he was.
Baseball (w/ Two Updates)
You've probably heard by now...
Mark McGwire made three baseballs leave the building last night
One in the first, a 460 foot monster to the upper deck in the second,
the cowards walked him in the fourth, then another mighty blast in the eighth.
You know what this means?
The immortal Hank Aaron has 755, Mac has 539.
Another 216 home runs and there'll be a big party in St Louis.
Is it possible?
Is it thinkable?
Let's ask the champ:
If you hit three home runs per game, according to my secular math,
you'll break the record September 7th in St Louis against Montreal.
As you know, Interstate 70 runs through St Louis.
As you know, McGwire hit 70 home runs in 1998.
They have re-named I-70 thru St Louis as the Mark McGwire Highway.
If he'd "only" hit 69, it wouldn't have been perfect,
but he hit 70 so it is perfect.
Earlier this year, when the St Louis Rams won the Catholic Super Bowl,
they were treated to a ticker-tape parade. Dick Vermeil and some of the Rams
rode through the streets of downtown St Louis in a shiny Budweiser wagon
pulled by a team of impeccably-coiffed Budweiser Clydesdales.
If McGwire someday makes that
trip to 755 Stratus Street,
he'll get to ride on the beer truck, too.
That would be something to
St Louis is baseball crazy.
Subject: Baseball and Mark McGwire
I hear you man, McGwire lets loose with
some tremendous shots.
However I am kind of hoping that he does not get the record, and Aaron's
mark, simply because of the tremendous amount of adversity Aaron had to
go through with the press and fans of Atlanta when he did so.
Picture an entire stadium full of hillbillies
that would have nodded their heads
in agreement at every word coming out of John Rockers mouth, then picture
a black man breaking a white man's record in that place, and you can see
the sheer focus that Aaron had to have to do what he did.
TJ, a big part of me agrees with you.
I don't think many people know about Aaron's sacrifice.
I'd bet nobody reading this has ever been under as much pressure as Hank
in those last few weeks. McGwire spoke of the great pressure he was under,
and Roger Maris took it so hard, his hair started falling out, and Hammerin'
Hank Aaron did it with dozens of dittoheads screaming "Die, nigger!"
I'm old, I remember.
The cops were telling Aaron not to play certain days because of specific
death threats that they deemed credible, but Hank said, "No, I'll play."
And he did it with dignity, making the John Rockers of the world eat it.
I know just what you're talking about. As a Democrat, I got an extra
kick out of a black man breaking Ruth's record.
And not just "a" black man.
Aaron, I guess, would be considered the white Cal Ripken.
I'd like to think both men would consider that a compliment.
Are they not the game's best two ambassadors?
But look at it this way:
We learned more about Roger Maris in 1998 than we did in any year
except 1961 If and when McGwire breaks the 700 barrier, the name "Aaron"
is going to be mentioned more than at any time since he bested the Babe.
And when they ask Hank about those 1974 ditto-spanks,
he might mention Rocker and say, "Not all that much has changed."
Maybe that'll be a step forward for this racist country.
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