Paul Begala Shoots the Bull
In his eighth year in office, President Eisenhower played golf.
President Reagan chopped brush out at his ranch, and made plans to
move into the Bel Air mansion a bunch of fat cats bought for him.
(By the way, where were the right-wingers who squawk about Clinton's ethics
when Reagan was accepting a free mansion from powerful money men?)
But President Clinton continues to dominate the political scene,
as focused and as forceful as a first-year president.
Look at the record:
He promised to revive the economy -- and he has delivered the
economic expansion in history, the strongest economy in the history of capitalism.
He promised to create eight million new jobs -- and he's created more than 23 million.
He promised to cut the deficit in half -- and he has done more
than twice what
he promised; eliminating the deficit altogether, balancing the budget, turning
a surplus, and paying down the national debt.
He promised to cut crime by putting 100,000 police officers on
-- and now crime is at its lowest level in 30 years.
He promised to reduce the size of the federal bureaucracy by 100,000
positions -- and he has cut the bureaucracy by 270,000 positions
-- the smallest federal workforce since JFK.
He promised to "end welfare as we know it" -- mission accomplished.
He promised to expand support for public education, create new
and tax credits to encourage college education, and start a domestic version
of the Peace Corps to encourage young people to serve their country
-- done, done and done.
Your humble ediotr got a mention from Tamara Baker over at AMPOL.
(Tamara Baker hits hard for a girl)
Subject: You Should Move to Cuba
"From your cold, dead hands, Chuck?
You sure you want it that way?"
What is this??? Nice Page, NOT ....
Is this the best you can come up with ???
No wonder you Liberals don't have a voice
on talk radio....
You have nothing to say...
Bob, there's more than just the splash page.
There are other pages to see, besides Heston's picture.
Great, Great Liberal Quotes
Thanks to the Pigboy for playing snipets of a Robin Williams tribute
Clinton. If it wasn't for Rush, I would never have heard this line:
"Newt Gingrich is getting married.
If anybody is interested, he's registered at Krispy Kreme.
I sent him some Viagra for the honeymoon,
but it just made him taller."
The joke went right over the huge head of Rush, who complained
about liberals making fun of people's physical characteristics and the
vertically-challenged. Don't let anybody ever claim that conservatives
have a sense of humor if they can't get the Newt-Viagra joke.
Your direction is to hell.
You've been talking to the invisible ghosts again...
Science and logic say there is no Hell.
There is no "life after death."
They made that up to get your money.
How much are you into them for?
You poor bastard...
In 1995, Gov. Smirk signed legislation to allow concealed
in churches, stadiums, Luby's cafeterias and so on.
Since we've had another shooting, I'd like to propose a scenario.
Let's say there are 160 people in a Wal-Mart Super-Center in Dallas.
Out of the 160, let's say half are carrying a concealed gun.
All of a sudden, Adam, in aisle 2, thinks he's heard a gunshot
inside the store.
He draws his weapon, certain that he's going to stop a crime in progress.
Bill, in aisle 4, heard the same sound, so he draws his
Charlie and David, in aisle 7, heard the sound, and draw their guns.
Adam looks around the corner of the aisle and sees Charlie and
with their guns out. Adam figures Charlie and David are working together
to either rob the Wal-Mart or just shoot the place up. With all the best
intentions a ditto-monkey can muster, trying to fulfill the mandate put upon
him by the governor of Texas, trying to help, Adam fires on Charlie and David.
Meanwhile, Bill sees Adam fire at Charlie and David, and assumes
With all the best intentions, Bill fires at Adam.
Meanwhile, Charlie and David are innocent, law-abiding citizens
being shot at
inside a Wal-Mart and, since they're armed, they return fire.
Ed is in aisle 10, with his buddy Frank, and both are carrying.
Ed and Frank see Charlie and David shooting, but they don't see Adam,
so they figure Charlie and David are the culprits, so they open fire.
All this time, Greg and Henry, two Wal-Mart employees, see a gunfight
in their store, so they grab rifles off the wall and return fire.
There are six untrained scared ditto-monkeys shooting anything that moves
and there's 154 people in the store running and screaming in a panic.
Thirty minutes later, there are 16 dead and 35 wounded.
...and the funny part?
Sherry was making balloon animals in the children's shoe department.
One of the balloons popped.
That's how this whole bloody mess got started.
A really, really stupid idea combined with Smirk's signature means
a popped balloon translates into 16 dead and 35 wounded.
Isn't is odd that an organization with less than 4,000,000 members
can force their firearms policy on the other 276,00,000 Americans?
Thanks for being an NRA puppet.
This Just In...
NRA changes mind, opens restaurant in Queens instead of Manhattan!
"Over Five Served" their motto...
Subject: Hello from Finland
I read your webzine in Finland and always
get a chuckle. Recently, a
thought came to my mind about the conservatives complaining how the
academia is controlled by liberals:
If the situation was reversed and most pointy-head
professors and other
scientists were actually conservatives, would the conservatives claim that
this proves the inherent intellectual superiority of the conservative worldview?
an excellent question.
I'm happy and proud that the intelligent people agree with me.
I think it's obvious that education makes people turn liberal.
Just yesterday, that horrid Laura the Unloved woman was screaming at
Clinton because he'd assembled a team of experts, men and women with
doctorate degrees in education and child psycology etc., to advise him on
education reform and children's issues.
Laura and the Republicans see education as a threat.
If someone gets good grades in high school,
then goes on to earn good
grades in college, then stays in school to earn a Master's degree or a
Doctorate in some field, you can bet Rush and the Republicans will label
them "self-appointed know-it-alls" and ridicule any ideas they have.
Republicans always see education as a threat.
It's hard for me to believe, and I live
How confusing this must look to you and the rest of the world.
America - the highest prison population
in the world.
America - the only civilized country with the death penalty.
America - where cowboys still rule the day.
America - where everyone can have as many guns as they want.
America - where nudity is considered a crime.
America - where a majority believe on invisible ghosts.
America - where racist hatred is everywhere, everyday.
America - the world's only super-power.
How scary we must look to people in other countries.
I don't know if you've ever noticed, but
in America, the Democrats
usually win the votes in the intelligent, coastal states like New York and
California, and the Republicans win the votes in the undeveloped farm states
with all the guns like Carolina, Texas, Massabama, Georgia and Idaho.
Your question seems so logical, you'd think
everyone would agree.
But America's founding fathers allowed for the stupid people to have the
same right to vote as the Democrats - amazing, isn't it?
Also, is it possible to be a conservative
politician, columnist or ideologue in
America and at the same time say out loud that creationism is a piece of crock?
All conservatives believe in the invisible ghosts.
No amount of science or logic will persuade them.
It's the foundation on which they build everything!
I don't want to brag, because I'm not very smart myself,
but I discovered the invisible ghosts were not real as a very small child.
I was schooled by Catholics, the craziest
of the bunch.
But even at the age of 7 or 8, I was asking questions they couldn't answer.
They told me my questions would be explained to me by God, after I was dead.
Isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever heard in your life?
In backwards America, if a candidate says
they don't believe in invisible ghosts
they cannot win an election. If you say you don't believe in the invisible ghosts,
your Republican opponent will claim it's proof you have no morals.
The majority of America voters will agree with that, so even the agnostic
Democrats have to claim they believe in the ghosts to have a chance.
America likes to think we're so far ahead
of the other countries, but we're
really just a bunch of ignorant children who refuse to accept science and logic.
I'm telling you the truth.
Most Americans really, truly believe in that which is impossible.
They are scared.
They don't think they can live without the help of the invisible ghosts.
They think the invisible ghosts send them messages.
They think the dead are watching them, that the dead are talking to them.
Some of us are trying to change America.
Some of us are trying to move this country closer to science and logic,
but I don't think we will get there for another hundred years.
America is so backward, the voters are considering reversing the
Clinton and the Democrats have made, so we can go back to the past.
I, and others, will attempt to prevent that.
Thank you for writing.
This may be the last VCR alert for a while.
TV officially turns to shit at midnight.
Millionaire continues it's inevitable slide into obscurity
"Special Championship" edition which blows really bad.
This celebrity Millionaire and championship Millionaire aren't
nearly as good as a "regular" edition.
Same for Bill Maher.
His prison shows were good, but his Playboy shows sucked.
Hollywood has never learned that more isn't better.
It's like ordering a pizza with triple cheese on it.
When it arrives, it's cheese soup and crust, and it's terrible.
USA Today says the Friends season finale is tonight, whatever
The Star Trek Voyager finale is tonight, too.
As happens at the end of every year - the Captain turns Borg.
I don't know if Rick Berman wants to kill this franchise or not,
but having the Borg show up every May 24 is getting a little old.
The always fantastic Angie Harmon is on a double Law & Order at 10PM.
(Does anyone know if NY Assistant DA's carry their own handcuffs?)
But the big one is the last Michael J Fox appearance on Spin City.
Surely, it won't be as manipulative as the ABC whores were about it.
Speaking of manipulative, weren't you disappointed at the NYPD Blue?
It was a two-hour "special," but they used one full hour for Andy to cry
over his sick kid. Why do television producers think we want to watch
Sipowicz cry over his sick kid?
First, he loses his son.
Then he loses his partner.
Then he loses his wife.
Now his kid has some blood disease.
Hey, Andy, have a drink!
Things got so bad, Andy went into the hospital chapel,
looked up and said, "Hey, you prick!" talking to God.
He even said it twice.
It seemed so fake to me, like Bochco just wanted to push the envelope.
Then his dead son showed up to give him some grief.
Then, the "big, big" showdown with Jill's dead husband was so boring,
they had to show it in slow-motion because it only lasted 10 seconds.
At the big, big climax, they pushed both men into a van and arrested them.
That was the big climax we've been waiting for all year?
Andy and Danny had some twilight zone conversation about the best place
to bury "a skel" where nobody would ever find it - but why?
And why did Diane agree to meet the creep so many times?
This guy made Bob Barr look human, and every time he called Diane
and said, "Would you meet me in a sleazy bar?" she always said "You Betcha!"
NYPD Blue has been on my bad list for a long time.
Mrs BC likes it, so I'm stuck, but it kills me to hear that mangled-English
they speak, like we're watching a show produced in a foreign country.
In closing, ...
Bill Maher is running some special show tonight, a show from a while
back that was never shown, for some reason.
And on Jay Leno, the lovely Halle Berry will explain why she ran
that woman off the road and took off for parts unknown.
I wonder what her attorney will make this year?
Dave will do some more NRA Restaurant jokes and Rick Lazio jokes.
Oh, well, once the TV season dies, we'll still have Cardinal Baseball.
McGwire is now at what, 18?
Are the others even close?
Guess who had a lucky day?
Since Hardon Kenneth's office decided that partisanship was above the
the state of Maryland won't be able to prosecute another GOP felon.
Somehow, they always find a technicality to avoid trial and prison.
Linda Tripp is the most hated woman in America.
You know Laura the Unloved is happy about that.
As long as there's a Linda, Laura will be Number Two.
Pigboy's Imaginary Debates
Subject: Great website!!
My favorite thing about Rush Limbaugh (Pigboy)
is when he has a
"debate" with someone who's not there. When he really gets on a
roll, he'll be bringing up ridiculous and illogical points and then yell the
person's name as though he was addressing them personally,
"What do you think about THAT, so and so!!!"
I worry about his sanity.
He has convinced himself that he is an insightful, intelligent, funny commentator.
My other favorite thing is when he brings
up a point and then changes his
voice and asks a question as though he were another person (he did that today
when he compared registering guns to registering speech...yeah great analogy
el rushbo you f'ing idiot) and then answers himself in his own reasoned and
Funny, Rush is on a delay here in K-Drag.
He was beating himself up in that debate when I read your letter.
He really has no concept of sanity or reality at all.
He just explained that if we register guns, we need to register
"How?" he asked himself incredulously?
"The lieberals will figure out a way - they looooooove to destroy freedom."
...and then the idiot sheep across America say, "Rush is right AGAIN!"
He's such a cowardly bastard, just like that skirt at rushonline.com
He's so afraid to let anyone else speak because they'd win.
First, he gives his distorted, whore-view, then he explains what
motives really are, and then he yells, "How dare you, Mr President!"
when Clinton never said anything like what Rush claimed.
The funny thing is, Rush wins those "debates" with himself 60% of the time.
More Ground Zero Tidbits
Need a Workout?
Subject: RIGHT WING PUNCHING BAGS
If it's Pigboy worshipping, intolerant, booger-eating, right wing
want to kick around, have I got a place for you!
(Check under "Current events")
It's a scummy newspaper message board belonging to a paper
in an otherwise beautiful town; Duluth, Minnesota.
Hate-mongers and ditto-spanks include:
a guy who goes by the handle of "Red Rider" who claims he's some
bishop and also some kind of cyber king. Kick this one right in the balls.
If that doesn't phase him, bring up the topic of draft dodging (gets him
Another goes by the name of "Gas Chamber", what do you suppose
is on this
guy's mind? He's a drunken, woman hating, cyber- stalker and thinks Hilary
Clinton is a carpetbagger. This sicko even posts under the real names of his
I ask that you please spread the word about this site.
It's time to take cyber space away from the Flying Monkey Right!
Who was recently named, "Ms. Sphincter-Mouth?"
Click Here to find out.
Ground Zero for Impeachable Offenses
US-Iran: 20 years of secrets
May 2000 | In August, President Clinton sent a secret letter
to Iranian President Mohammed Khatemi, seeking Iran's help
in solving a fatal bomb attack against a U.S. military
compound in Saudi Arabia in 1996.
If Iran cooperated, Clinton held out hope of better relations
Washington and Teheran, two capitals at odds for two decades, since
Iranian radicals seized the U.S. embassy in 1979 and held 52
Americans hostage for 444 days. [Wash Post Sept. 29, 1999]
Yet, while Clinton asks Iran about the 1996 bombing, he
reportedly resisted earlier Iranian proffers of evidence about
Republican complicity in prolonging the kidnapping of the 52
American hostages in 1980, as part of a scheme to ensure
Ronald Reagan's election.
On at least two occasions after Clinton's victory in 1992,
Iranian emissaries told Clinton insiders that Iran was willing to
turn over evidence about secret Republican contacts with
Islamic radicals close to the late Ayatollah Ruhollah
Khomeini, according to sources involved in those overtures.
But on both occasions -- once as early as the Clinton
transition period in late 1992 and again in 1994 -- Clinton
spurned the offers, the sources said. He apparently feared the
contacts could open him to charges of playing politics.
(Ediotr's Note: this is incorrect. Clinton, and now Gore,
have this information at their fingertips in case they ever need it.)
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Disbarred In Arkansas
10. Citing the wrong episode of "Matlock" as legal precedent
9. Neglecting to remove hay from mouth before addressing judge
8. Lying under oath without crossing your fingers
7. Filing motion for "yee" without motion for an accompanying "haw"
6. Getting involved in crooked land deal, not letting your friends join in
5. Taking too long with closing statement,
forgetting courthouse turns into pool hall at 5
4. Placing 3 X's on jug of moonshine when it's only strong enough for 2
3. Letting possum out of your briefcase while court's in session
2. Forgetting to tip the state trooper who brings you a hooker
1. Too much fancy book-learnin'
Subject: Mallard Fillmore
I, too, have wondered much about this unfunny
strip (why it's placed on the
comics page, and not the op/ed where it belongs, among others) and recently
had a rather sad epiphany...
It's Matt Drudge in comic-strip form. No
doubt -- the Fuct Duck wears the
same fedora and overcoat, and is often chomping on a stogie, just like REAL
journalists! Also, the duck is about as hateful and accurate as Der
You know, if the Fuct Duck was funny, that'd be one thing.
There's nothing funnier than a good Clinton joke if it's done by Jay Leno
or Dave or Bill Maher and it's not hate-fueled.
But since the Duck isn't going for laughs, since it's ideology-driven,
yes, it should be on the op/ed pages.
Last night on Larry King Live, the smartest lawyer on TV, Greta
(Smart women are sexy!) was the sheriff for the assembled Clinton Cock Hunt Posse.
F. Lee and Alan Dershawitz beat up Barbara Olson and the Supreme
of that legal foundation that's hunting Clinton's cock.
As they went to a break, they played the video of Clinton answering
the big, big question that brought up the perjury charge. It went like this:
Assbite: Did you ever have sexual relations with Monica?
Voice off-camera: Objection! What's the definition of sexual relations?
Judge: Let's use Definition Number One, as written in the Arkansas law books..
Clinton: No, I did not. I did
not have sexual relations with her.
I did not have an affair with her.
So, I have a question or six:
1. If a man picks up a hooker at his hotel in Dallas, and pays her
fifty dollars for oral sex, did he have "an affair" with her?
2. If you kiss Connie from Accounting at the company Christmas
did you have "an affair" with her?
3. Can a man have "an affair" with a Playboy magazine?
4. Can Slappy the Wonder Judge have "an affair" with a hampster?
5. Can Rush have "an affair" with his Oreck 8-pound vacuum cleaner?
6. If Bob Barr licks whipped cream off a fat woman's breasts,
can it be said he had "an affair" with her?
7. If John Kasich attends a bachellorette party, and caresses
the male stripper's butt,
did John Kasich have "an affair" with the stripper?
8. The guy in question one: The next time he's in Dallas,
if he sees the
same hooker and does the same thing, is he now having "an affair"
with her because it's the second time?
9. Can Tom Delay have "an affair" with a vacuum hose from a Ford F-150 pickup?
Those are tough questions.
Now - turn the situtation around.
A. Did Smirk have an affair with the young, exotic dancer with
the pink panties?
Tha answer is clearly yes.
Click Here for details
B. Was Newt having "an affair" with Callista Bisek?
The answer is clearly yes.
C. Did Henry Hyde have "an affair" with this woman?
The answer is clearly yes.
D. Did Dan Burton have "an affair" with the woman who had his bastard
The answer is clearly yes.
E. Did Mary Bono have "an affair" with the Diamond Rio dude?
Of course she did, right in front of Sonny's kids!
It looks like the evidence helps Clinton and hurts the scumbags
to remove him from office because he defeated them at the polls.
Having an affair involves sexual intercourse, according to the law.
Clinton, always the paradigm of self-restraint, didn't have intercourse.
Clinton is innocent and the GOP scumbags are lying.
If Hillary Clinton is unqualified for Congress,
what the fuck is Mary Bono doing there?
has come thru again!
We may've lost our lil' Kitty, but Hillary still gets to stomp!
I checked, and Hardballs and Horrendo Revolver were both on twice
Last time I checked, this was not the case, but I'm glad they're on now.
So, if Horrendo or Chris the Screaming Catholic have a big show,
please e-mail me if you think about it.
Subject: Prez's Disbarment
About a month before the Arkanasas Legal
Ethics panel dealt
Bill Clinton, the People's President, they dealt with an ethics complaint
concerning a former GOP chairman named Bob Leslie.
Mr. Leslie, while representing a client,
co-mingled his funds with hers
and then siphoned off what he needed for mortgage payments,
utility bills and other personal expenses.
The same committee that recommended our
disbarment, only suspended this weinie's license for six months.
Does the "R" under the name of one,
justify harsher treatment for one with a "D" under their name
when the "R"'s offense was much more egregious?
I was thinking of demonstrating at the
GOP convention in Philadelphia.
Any ideas for poster slogans?
You came to the right place.
"Rush is Right! Gays Should Burn!"
"Why Can't we Bring Guns Inside?"
"This Sign not Approved by the GOP Elite!"
"Tired of Peace and Prosperity? Vote Bush!"
"KKK for Bush!"
"Segregation Now, Segregation Forever!"
(put pillow under blouse)
"George Bush - Deadbeat Dad!"
"More Guns, More God, Less Education!"
"W, How Many Kids do you Have - Total?"
"I Have Never Done Cocaine!"
"GOP - Gives Out Pardons"
"Please Don't Kill Me!"
Paul Begala Shoots the Bull
The truth is there has been a right-wing attempt to discredit,
destroy the Clinton Presidency almost from Day One. Seven years ago,
House Republican leader Dick Armey said on the House floor that
Bill Clinton wasn't his President. Right-wingers were trying to impeach him
long before the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
President Clinton has a higher measure of approval than
at this stage. He is the dominant political figure of our time,
and the most successful President since FDR.
No wonder the right wing is out to destroy him.
Moving the alcohol thing off the front pages...
Click here if you want to mess with that.
Vulgaire le porc
He's going on and on about how "hysterical" Julian Epstein is
whenever he defends Bill Clinton.
If you've ever seen Julian on TV, he's as calm as the Dead Sea.
He doesn't get rattled, he doesn't interrupt.
He's overly polite, almost as bad as Lanny Davis.
Saying Julian Epstein gets "hysterical" on TV is like saying
Rush is "fair and decent" when discussing his political opponents.
CNBC replays Chris" The Asshole" Mathews
at 11PM eastern and Horrendo at
Midnight eastern. At least here in the Tampa bay area they do
I'm on Dish Network.
They only play it once.
Are you on cable or Direct TV?
Subject: Fundraiser for Bartcop
Did you watch the last 2 episodes of The
If Camryn Mannheim didn't win the Emmy for her performances
in those 2 episodes it shouldn't be given out to anyone this year.
Her speech in front of the Judge in the episode about the death
penalty case she was working is classic, as good as TV can get
and we have had some great TV times lately.
Very passionate and believable.
Her role opposite Marlie Maitlin was just as good, really powerful stuff.
I'll agree with that.
How could they find Maitlin guilty?
Maybe she was, legally, but that's why the defense rested early,
because she was so riviting on the stand.
She (Mannheim) should win the Best Actress Emmy this year.
Which reminds me, we've seen our last "regular" X-Files.
Scully is pregnant?
Poor thing, on her second pregnancy, and the only time she's has sex,
and it's a maybe, was with Tattooboy (Voice by Jodie Foster.)
What could be more Catholic than a virgin mother?
A virgin mother of two!
And Mulder is kidnapped?
I thought it was a nice touch to re-visit the people in the premier episode.
You could tell they thought this was the last show.
I'm not real happy about Mulder doing "six to eleven" shows next
That's just an excuse for Fox to whore his possible appearance every week.
Will Scully get a new partner?
That'd be like seeing her with another man - won't work.
They'd better team her up with the Lone Gunmen,
but don't they have their own show on Fox this year?
Or, what about teaming her up with Krycheck?
Do you all know who Clark Howard is?
He does a consumer show on K-Drag radio.
I thought he was local, because he's so anal, but is he national?
I do a Clark Howard impression - my only one.
BartCop for the Prosecution
I'm writing to you about Tripp.
The Maryland State Prosecutor (1-800-695-4058) sez the tape is the key:
The one they have isn't the original - that one the OIC has, and they're not
about to let Maryland have it. Tripp's lawyers are trying to say that since
that's not the original tape, it can't be proven that this is an authentic repro
of a phone conversation, as opposed to a cut-and-paste a la Rush or Bossie.
Thing is, I've HEARD spliced tapes (such
as the ones Bossie did for
Gennifer Flowers and Dan Burton), and it's OBVIOUS that they're spliced.
You can hear clicks and dropouts all over the things, and to a trained
acoustician (or anyone with ears), the difference between a cut-and-paste
and a seamless copy is obvious.
I'll bet you could talk to the Maryland
boys and help them out. If the tape
doesn't have clicks, drop-outs, or odd changes of voice tonality (as if
several words from several different sentences were jammed together
to create a sentence), among other things (many of which can be detected
by good recording engineers, with either equipment or ears: they know the
telltale signs of a spliced recording), and the voices can be shown to be
Tripp's and Lewinsky's (and voice-pattern technology makes this a cinch:
voices are as individual as fingerprints), then they still have a case,
and Tripp is sunk. !
Call the Maryland people ASAP if you think
you can help out in this regard.
They welcome suggestions, because they want to keep the case alive.
Again, their # is 1-800-695-4058.
I called, and offered them a suggestion.
Remember recently I put Smirk/Baba Wawa Eargasms on the page?
When you have the audio from a conversation on your hard drive,
you can see how the words and sentences begin and end.
That's how I knew there was a splice between Baba's question
and Smirk's pitiful answer.
By the way, I meant to mention this at the time.
I think Pickles Smirk is very sweet.
She seems to be everything Smirk isn't.
She just married the biggest idiot in the world.
Baba asked them both a hypothetical about their daughters.
They both answered, simutaneously that they didn't DO hypotheticals,
but then the idiot Smirk says, "But I'll answer this one," and then did.
Then that disgusting whore Baba looked at Pickles and said,
"I got an answer," gloating over her that Baba had managed to
outwit her idiot husband.
Poor Pickles, I felt sorry for her, and that doesn't happen often.
She blushed and got all embarrassed and said, "Yes, you did,"
all the while wishing she'd married that other guy who died in the Jeep.
I don't mind if Baba wants to humiliate Smirk.
He's in politics.
Like Hyman Roth said, "This..... is the business we've chosen."
But poor Pickles didn't sign up to be humiliated by her husband's
shit-for-brains or her host's lack of decent manners.
Baba, you're such a whore.
And Pickles, I'm sorry you had to put up with both of them.
You can't do much to make your husband smarter,
but you can pick and choose your interviews better now.
Sorry - got off track...
Anyway, I told the Maryland prosecutors that if they knew anyone
with a CD writer, check with them about the voice-recognition thing.
When they put the conversation on the monitor, they can compare it
and check for gaps and splices and do lots of things with it.
The prosecutor was a nice man and thanked me for the tip.
Rush has been brutal today.
Not that's he's been cutting, or insightful, or even mean.
He's just been repeating the same things,
over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
I can put up with anything the Pigboy dishes out,
except the constant repeating of the same things,
over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
A new sentence!
The vulgar Pigboy just said something about Bill Clinton having
raised a BILLION dollars since he's been in office, which sounds
like another big-ass Pigboy lie if you do the math.
Pigboy says Clinton is hosting a Bar-B-Q dinner/fundraiser.
I'd like to see Clinton host Bar-B-Q for the Republicans.
And he could do the cooking himself.
And on his Bar-B-Q apron he could have a message that
looks almost exactly like "Kiss the Cook," but not exactly.
I wish I'd seen Horrendo Revolver last night.
I have a quarter-ton on mail about that show.
I even got celebrity mail from Gonzo Dave!
Klayman and Fishboy were both on and, apparently,
got their ass handed to them by Horrendo.
This is Horrendo's fault that I didn't see it.
There's no way to tell who's going to be on these shows.
You got Horrendo, Chris the Catholic, The O'Reiily Whore,
Cannity and Holmes, Paula Von Zahn, besides the more mainstream
Larry King and Nightline and Dateline, 20/20 etc etc etc.
How in the Hell is somebody supposed to keep up?
I hate to give them credit, but at least the Fox Whores repeat
their lies over and over and over, even on weekends.
If Horrendo and Equal Time and Chris the Screamer wanted a
bigger audience, why don't they repeat three hours later like the others?
If they repeated, I could check my e-mail around 10 CST and catch
whatever happened that was good, but nooooooooooooooo.
From Mallard Fillmore
The Fuct Duck
There could be trouble here...
On one side of the street, a large group is chanting
anti-Castro and anti-Reno slogans
...while on the other side,
a group is repeating pro-Castro and pro-Clinton propaganda...
That's just the press.
I don't know how this unfunny duck stays in business.
It must be the same reason Rush, Laura the Unloved, Fox News
and the others stay in business - the sheep enjoy being lied to.
The Fuct Duck says the majority is anti-Reno concerning Elian.
The Fuct Duck says a smaller minority is pro-Clinton on Elian.
But every Pigboy-approved pollster says the MAJORITY
backs Clinton and Reno on the Elian affair.
So, why do the ditto-spanks enjoy being lied to?
We know the GOP has always been anti-education,
but what's the point of paying someone to lie to them?
Dude, I'm getting worried about the NRA.
They're a growing political force -- I mean HUGE!
Wolf Blitzer (what a stupid name) says the
NRA is expecting to hit
four million members by November. Four million gun-happy rednecks,
plus four million conservative Christians from the Christian Coalition
equals 8 million right-wing yahoos definitely voting Bush!
We have got to do something --fast!
Dylan, two things:
Did you see Dennis Miller last last Friday?
He pointed out that with almost 4,000,000 members, the NRA
is out-numbered by normal Americans by about 70-to-1.
Second thing: Did you see that asshole/idiot showboat Charlton
at the Carolina (Where else would they hold it?) meeting where he held
a Revolutionary War musket over his head and climbed up on his
dramatic high horse and said, "Over my cold, dead body, Mr Clinton."
What an asshole.
Nobody in America wants to outlaw Revolutionary War muskets.
If Moses wasn't such a big goddamn liar, he would've held up
a Mac 10 machine gun for a CORRECT symbol of what Clinton
and all sane Americans want outlawed.
That's their problem - if they tell the truth, nobody will
But they use scare tactics>
The evil black man Willie Horton is going to carry off your kids,
so you'd better hurry to the gunstore and get a weapons that
can fire 600 rounds per minute, then send the NRA a check.
You know what Charlton Heston is?
The story I'm hearing from Arkansas is...
They passed a resolutuion that anyone who knew Clinton or was
appointed by him didn't get to vote, which left all the Clinton-hating
Republicans at the controls to try to humiliate him.
Like the thousand attempts before this, it won't work.
I wish it was closer to election time when they brought this up...
Letterman was a riot last night.
He, too, thinks Hillary has won this race.
He made fun of the Lazio Prick over and over.
Matter of fact, he was on the GOP all night.
Maybe he's tired of Clinton jokes, who knows.
He said he's recently taken up golf at a very exclusive
Paul asked him what the name of the Country Club was
and Dave said, "Crooked Bush Country Club."
Dave said the NRA opened a restaurant in Times Square.
He said the name of it was "Planet Homicide!"
Then he went back to Lazio saying,
"One week you're running a pizza parlor in Queens,
the next week you're running against Hillary for the Senate!"
Yo there Bartcop.
So in listening to our little friend today
he was ranting about this culture of
'victimology' this and that. seems I recall many years ago when his t.v. show was
canceled he was blaming the t.v. stations for refusing to place his show in a more
convenient time slot. He was stuck in the 12:30 a.m. time slot so basically it
wasn't his fault the show didn't get ratings. It was the 'liberal mainstream media'
that wouldn't give him the right time slot.
One more; our little friend was wailing
along today about Bobby Bowden and
others who are the best at what they do and everyone should fall to their
knees in praise. he doesn't seem to include the President in his analysis
of the best at what they do praise. it is rare that you find a head coach
who has consistently out coached his opponent for 7 1/2 going on 8th year
straight. where have you seen a coach who's offense as well as defense
always wins. no matter what scheme the opposition seems to try, it is
always neutralized by the President. i've never seen an opposing team score
and find out that they actually lost points.
Lillyn, right on both counts.
When Pigboy's TV show got cancelled, I tried to explain to him that under
the Free Market System, shows that suck donkey get thrown off the air.
If his show had been good, they would have found room for it in Prime Time.
As far as "the best you can be," you're right again.
We've never had a president this good before.
Rush said yesterday that when you make it really big, there's all kinds
of hateful, jealous poeple trying to tear you down, which reminded me
how many millions Pigboy has made screaming unfounded accusations
at the man who saved the American economy from Reaganism.
Unarmed Student Shot by Jesus Puppet
Click Here for all the details!
Subject: QUIT DRINKING?
Is this some kind of sick joke? Have
you actually given up the Quest
for the Holy Grail (containing the perfect tequila of course!)?
Even though I have never been drunk in my
life and have never sampled
even the lowliest tequila, I had grown somewhat enchanted by your long
diatribes regarding your personal "nectar of the gods."
Hell, I didn't even know there was more
than one kind of tequila until I
started hanging out at bartcop.com to get my daily dose of truth about
America's "truth detector." The only thing I knew about tequila was that
after watching Poltergeist 2 where that little worm at the bottom of
Craig T. Nelson's bottle turned into a monster after he swallowed the
damn thing down was that I never wanted to drink anything that had
a dead worm in it. Why the hell do they do that anyway?
Do worms keep moths away or what?
I have not abandoned the "quest."
Well, actually the "quest" had ended with Chinaco Ajeno.
Truth is, I had been drinking too much for too long.
The last year, with that ADM money, I was spending about $400
a month on the finest agave, and I just thought I'd give it a rest
and see what the dry side was like.
Not to upset anyone who's had a problem with this, but I always
thought it sounded so hysterical to say, "My doctor says if I ever
have one more drop of alcohol, it will KILL ME."
For years I wondered what it would be like to quit.
I once had a doctor tell me when I quit, I was going to get the shakes
or the DT's or whatever they call them. That's a little scary, but the
scarier part was - what if I needed help stopping?
They say, but I can't confirm, that when you join AA, you have
stand up and pledge your total acceptance to Christ the Savior, and
Koresh knows those words weren't going to come flying out of my mouth.
Not that I have anything against those who believe, I just didn't want to lie.
So I was curious about what would happen when I quit and it looks like
I got lucky because nothing happened besides a little insomnia.
I always knew I'd quit someday, but I also knew when I did
that it would have to be on my own terms. It wouldn't be because of
a DWI or some bottle fight in a bar or anything like that.
Cleaning up has it's dangers, too.
Look what happened to Jerry Garcia.
Look what happened to Sam Kinison.
Look what happened to Eric Clapton, Paul McCartney and Aerosmith.
Maybe you think that Armageddon song rocks, but I knew Aerosmith
back when they partied hard and that was rock n roll.
On top of everything else, since I quit, I'm on a bad-luck streak.
-Remember my legal problems from the last Las Vegas trip?
They have resurfaced after I won a decision months ago.
-The lightning that took out my hard drive also killed my mother board.
I'm looking at $2500 just to handle those two problems.
-I backed Mrs. BartCop's touring sedan into a metal gate.
-I've got some goddamn raccoon fights going on in the BartCop attic.
-A big tree fell out back, and that cost $750 to have removed.
-I've gone from three stalkers to five, (and no, I don't mean YOU!)
-My Aurora turned into a Ford Escort, or some damn thing
If this keeps up, I may have to go back to drinking real hard.
When I was slamming back 500cc's of expensive giggle juice,
I never had these kinds of problems, but doesn't it figure?
Now that I'm cleaner than a Safeway chicken,
there's a black cloud following me.
Funny, I wasn't even going to mention this, but someone wrote
and asked if I'd quit drinking, so I thought that made it interesting.
Now I have to guard against people saying,
"You were funnier on the tequila."
I'm sure I'll drink again, maybe soon. For last Saturday's
I had two glasses of Montelle's Strawberry Fruit table wine,
and liked it, but that wasn't drinking, not really.
Actually, I'm looking forward to my next agave party.
I can't see giving up that fantastic taste as long as I live.
Matter of fact, I'll probably get me a bottle of the good stuff
for Memorial Day, but I feel like I'll never drink the way I did.
Prairie Grove Shooting
Police officers often face the most difficult decision that anyone
have to make: whether or not to shoot. The decision must be made instantly,
but if the officer is lucky then he has a lifetime in which to wonder whether
it was the right one.
I live only one state away, but heard nothing about Sgt. Lovett's
until I read of it on the internet. Yet I know that if that boy had made it to
school with his shotgun, the story would have been spread all over the
television and newspapers for months to come, with much the same
frequency that it no doubt takes place within Sgt. Lovett's mind as
he recovers from his own wounds.
I come from a cop's family, so I know that nothing anyone says
really stop the self-recrimination that this man must be feeling. Even so,
I would like Sgt. Lovett to know that I sincerely believe that he made
the correct decision on May 11. His quick action saved not only his own life,
but also the life of young Nichols, and quite possibly several others.
When he remembers the events of that day, I hope that he also
remembers what did not happen. I hope he remembers that no one had to
rescue terrified children from a school-turned-war-zone. No one had to
bag bodies or draw chalk outlines. No one had to face frightened yet
hopeful parents or spouses and take away the hope forever.
And I hope that we, in turn, remember that we owe these non-events
to a man who made a hard decision at a crucial moment.
John L. Payton
St. Louis, MO
The Vulgar Pigboy Leads MNF Poll?
Subject: Pigboy on MNF
Did you hear pigboy boasting about a poll
on MNF? He was going on
about how there were five answers, only one favorable, and it had over 51% of
the vote! I located the web site (NFLTALK.COM) and discovered two things
- 1) there must have been only about 30 or so votes, since my vote dropped the
51% to 45% (al by itself) and 2) you can vote multiple times, so some
ditto-head probably voted about 15 - 20 times itself.
Usual Pigboy BS.
1-year gap in Bush's Guard
No Record of Smirk at Drills from 1972-73
AUSTIN, Texas - After George W. Bush became
governor in 1995, the Houston Air National
Guard unit he had served with during the Vietnam War years honored him for his work, noting
that he flew an F-102 fighter-interceptor until his discharge in October 1973.
And Bush himself, in his 1999 autobiography,
''A Charge to Keep,'' recounts the thrills
of his pilot training, which he completed in June 1970. ''I continued flying with my unit
for the next several years,'' the governor wrote.
But both accounts are contradicted by copies
of Bush's military records, obtained by
the Globe. In his final 18 months of military service in 1972 and 1973, Bush did not fly at all.
And for much of that time, Bush was all but unaccounted for: For a full year, there is no record
that he showed up for the periodic drills required of part-time guardsmen.
From May to November 1972, Bush was in Alabama
working in a US Senate campaign,
and was required to attend drills at an Air National Guard unit in Montgomery. But there
is no evidence in his record that he did so. And William Turnipseed, the retired general who
commanded the Alabama unit back then, said in an interview last week that
Bush never appeared for duty there.
After the election, Bush returned to Houston.
But seven months later, in May 1973,
his two superior officers at Ellington Air Force Base could not perform his annual
evaluation covering the year from May 1, 1972 to April 30, 1973 because, they wrote, '
'Lt. Bush has not been observed at this unit during the period of this report.''
Bush, who declined to be interviewed on
the issue, said through a spokesman that he has
''some recollection'' of attending drills that year, but maybe not consistently.
I have "some recollection" of Smirk running for president in the year 2000.
Great Democratic Quotes
I'm perfectly content believing that the
other side is well intentioned and
passionate about their beliefs, and that they love their country as much as I do,
but that they just have different ideas. I know that Orrin Hatchis a good guy.
I know that Gary Bauer is a good guy. I don't want to see Denny Hastert or
Trent Lott go to jail. Our attitude is that we like to laugh and have fun.
And as a result of that, we've had some amazing things happen on the show.
The Rev. Pat Robertson, for example, turned
to me, praised Bill Clinton and
said to me, 'You know, I'm a lot more liberal than you think.'And I disagree
with Rev. Robertson on almost everything, but I think he's a good person.
-- Paul Begala, co-host of Equal Time
This is the big difference between the two parties.
The Democrats are decent people, willing to get along.
Read Previous Issue