Vol 230 - The Cheney Problem

 July 25, 2000

 Great Letterman Quotes

 "If G W Bush doesn't show up for these debates, we'll take him down.
  We'll work day and night, we'll bring him down."

  "No problem," says Smirk

Smirk has embraced Dick Cheney’s gay daughter, (left) the DRUDGE REPORT squeals.

Mary Cheney, 31, became the subject of discussion at the highest levels of the Bush campaign
after Dick Cheney emerged as the leading choice for running mate 2000, according to sources.

"The governor believes Mr. Cheney has a wonderful family," a Smirk source said.
"Being gay or lesbian is not a liability in this campaign. The governor embraces both
 of Mr. Cheney’s daughters and will invite them to campaign with him."

It could not immediately be learned if Ms. Cheney, would campaign for the Smirk ticket.

Democratic operatives are preparing to attack Dick Cheney’s opposition to homosexuals
in the military while he served at the Pentagon.

Dick Cheney’s wife, Lynne, former National Endowment for the Humanities harpy,
is also set to be targeted by Democratic operatives.

"Schools do not have to settle contested values," Mrs. Cheney said in 1995.

"Schools teach people to read and write, not to decide if homosexuality is legitimate."

Bob Woodward teased the Cheney family story on CNN’s LARRY KING LIVE.

"If I can tell this story -- in the '96 campaign... in going into Cheney's decision not to run,
it turned out that he has a relative who is gay an in examining the prospect he said, this is
going to become part of the story. And he was very fearful of it..."

But in Campaign 2000, Bush’s advisers see the issue as a plus.

ha ha
If you believe that,
you'll be voting for Smirk for sure!

Said one insider: "The Republican Party is a ‘big tent’ party.
Governor Bush is going to run a campaign that will make all Americans proud,
regardless of their private sexual backgrounds."

Repeated attempts to reach Dick Cheney were unsuccessful.

 From: wildcat@hit.net

 Subject: Gore and...

 What about -- and this is a wildass idea -- what about... John McCain?
 I think it'd work...

 Gore and McCain are moderate enough that I could see them compromising on many issues.
 And wouldn't it be fun to watch them hard-right-wingers swallow their collective tongues? >:D


 VCR Alert
 (Will be on Wednesday - Concourd crash pre-empted)

 OJ (Simpson, not Watts)  is on Fox Whore News tonight with Paula Von Zahn.

 Who do you root for there?
 The Nazi or the murderer?

 Have you even had great, great milk chocolate?

 Old-timers know there's only one place to buy great chocolate.

 They make chocolate like Chinaco makes tequila!
 I can offer no higher praise for a product.

 I'm a plain, meat & potatos guy.
 I like their regular, plain old milk chocolate, but they have lots of
 fancy nut/caramel/pecan/cashew/peanut cluster stuff that's great, too.
 They have dark chocolates and Kahlua truffles and the kinds of chocolate
 you'd expect in some fancy billion-dollar casino in Las Vegas!

 They even make chocolate coins you can have your logo stamped into!

 In past issues, when I've mentioned The South's Finest,
 people have taken my advice and ordered chocolate from them and then
 wrote back thanking me for the tip on the incredible tasting chocolate.

 I remember one fella said his wife was diabetic, so he ordered the
 sugar-free chocolate and reported that his wife said it tasted like sugar-full!

 In my attempt to remain untainted by whorish barking,
 I have only endorsed two products, neither of which paid me.
 The South's Finest Chocolate and Chinaco Anejo tequila are so good,
 I would say good things about them if they were produced by Republicans.

 I don't know Smirk about the owners of Chinaco tequila, but I know
 that Ellis (I think, my HD crashed) the owner, is a good American.
 In our brief conversation, he told me he enjoyed reading bartcop.com

 If you want to taste REAL chocolate, try "Break Up" chocolate made
 by the friendly folks at The South's Finest Chocolate Factory.

 If you're eating Hershey's or Nestle's or whatever chocolate,
 you're eating the Jose Cuervoof the choco-bean world,
 and you should hang your head in shame, ...but all is not lost.

 Click on that banner above and get your credit card out and e-mail Ellis
 and tell him you want to try The South's Finest Chocolate.

 It's the chocolate God eats when He's happy with His work.

 Stray Thought

 You notice all the people with political careers told Smirk, "No, thanks."

 Whatever happened to President Bush?
 Whatever happened to Dan Quayle?
 Whatever happened to Bob Dole?
 Whatever happened to Jack Kemp?

 They all had to retire after messing with the "New Democrats."

 Soon, they'll be asking

 Whatever happened to Smirk?
 Whatever happened to Dick Cheney?

 Keep in mind, the GOP will not run a ticket without a Bush or a Dole,
 (like they've done every year since 1976)
 so in 2004, I predict they'll try a Jeb Bush/Bag O Hairspray ticket.

 So, now we look for Gore's choice.

  It's too bad Bill Richardson got screwed on Los Alamos, but,
  if he can't defend himself when he's innocent,
  we might as well find out now, instead of later.

 I don't like hardly anybody but Kerry.

 Graham from Florida?
 No good.
 He screwed the Elian pooch.

 George Mitchell?
 We're all happy about his efforts in Ireland, but he's "yesterday's liberal."
 Clinton showed us how to move away from that.

 Carolina Gov Hunt?
 Never heard of him, and you know I have a rule...
 If I've never heard of you, you can't be on the ticket!

 Carolina Senator Edwards?

 Illinois Senator Dirk Digler?
 I don't think so.

 What about BartCop?
  ha ha
  I could be Minister of Intense Debate.
  I'd be on the talk shows every damn night, keeping that dude
  who mans the seven-second delay button busy.

 I really want to go on Hannity.

 Hannity would look good with a black eye,
 a missing tooth, and blood on his tie.

 El Chupacabra Del Puerca brought up a fun subject:

 Has Smirk been wanking GOP contenders all this time?

 Dick Chain cashed out a half-million dollars of stock last May.
 Did Dick know he was going to be the nominee that long ago?

 If so, why was Smirk talking about Frank Keating?
 If so, why was Smirk talking about Tom Ridge?
 If so, why was Smirk talking about Uncle OJ Watts?
 If so, why was Smirk talking about "body cavity" Whitman?
 If so, why was Smirk talking about Colin Powell?

 (By the way, Cheney is no Colin Powell.
  He's not even a semi-Colin.)

 On CNN last night, "Oh, Mr. Greenfield" said privately,
 GOP folks were telling him they were fucking hosed by Smirk!

 I'll bet Smirk Daddy told Smirk months ago Cheney was his VP.

 ...but what will Smirk do when Daddy and Dick disagree?

 If you're up late tonight, you might check  bartcop.com
 to see if the big story has been posted.

 From: (withheld)

 Cheney sought--and received--five draft deferments (four more than Big Bill).
 In '89 he said "Military service wasn't very high on my list of priorities."

 When GOP votes for Shrub (Family connections to get in the guard, then went AWOL),
 and Cheney (with five deferments) it will be proof to me their little "draft-dodger" insult
 they've been throwing around for the past eight years was just another GOP lie.

  picture alert

 Cheney's Doctor Speaks

 "Although his heart function is not normal, his health is excellent!"


 Sounds like his heart might be deviant!
 ...and I think that means it's an aberration, too!

 Has anyone told Doc Mopey?

But Doctor, if Cheney is only 59, why does he look 79?

 "Time is short - gotta run," the doctor said.

 Stroke me, Stroke Me

 I'd like to congradulate Rush.
 He said "document dump" twice without calling it "a dumpument doc."

 Have you ever seen a grown man cry?

 Click  Here

 This Just In...

 Yo, Smirk!
 How's the campaign coming?

 What will Dick Cheney do if John Kerry
 starts doing jumping jacks during their debate?

  ha ha

 Click  Here

 Great Smirk Screw-Ups

 "Please welcome my running dick, "Mate Cheney!"

 Fastest Finger

 Today's Fastest Finger goes to Jeff Greenfield at CNN.

 Without a doubt, porno movies made VCRs a household item.
 Without porno films, VCRs would still cost a whopping $1500.
 (Yes, that's what they cost back in 1980, and tapes were $24 each.)
 The biggest porno film in 1980 was Debbie Does Dallas.
 It was great, too. They had a very cute girl (in 1980, before VCRs, only ugly
 women did porno. VCRs changed that) wearing a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader
 outfit being drilled and screaming, "Oh! Mr Greenfield, Oh! Mr Greenfield!"
 I can't help but think of that when I hear his name.

 So last night, on Larry King, "Oh! Mr. Greenfield" was asked if the selection
 of Cheney meant the Democrats would make an issue out of Smirk reaching
 back into his daddy's past for help, and "Oh!Mr. Greenfield" said,

 "No, I don't think the Democrats will be doing any of that!"

 Hey, Mr. Greenfield, are you, ...like, ...new to politics?

 ha ha

 "Oh! Mr Greenfield!"

 ha ha

 "Oh! Mr. Greenfield," can you BE any more stupid?

 Yes, he can!

 Here's what he said next,

 From the transcript:

 GREENFIELD: I had actually heard, when Dick Cheney was first approached by
 Smirk, he actually suggested maybe Lynn Cheney as a vice presidential candidate.

 ha ha

 Why get Lynne Cheeny the Harpy when you could have Rabbi Schlessinger?

 Please Koresh, slow time for me.
 Let me enjoy these fleeting months...

 So, today's Fastest Finger goes to "Oh! Mr. Greenfield!"

 Stroke me, Stroke Me

 "I'm going to stop being so nice & polite to callers."

 ha ha

 But, Rush - why so tense?

 ha ha

 Has the public reaction to Smirk's dinosaur upset you?
 Dinosaur - that's a fossil fuel, right?
 Isn't that where oil comes from?

 ha ha

 Pigboy, I have a question for you:
 Do you see it all slipping away a-fucking-gain?

 ha ha

 Make Him Stop!

 Rush wants to know if the GOP will have a heart defibulator
 nearby when poor, old Dick debates John Kerry

 ha ha

 Good one, Pigboy!
 What else you got?

 Make Him Stop!

 Swear to Koresh!
 Rush just said Cheney was "qualified to be a Girl Scout troop leader!"

 ha ha

 Swear to Koresh!
 I have it on tape!

 ha ha

 Wait, just now Rush said,
 "You could trust Cheney to spend the night with your daughter in a Motel 6.

 Why, Rush, why?

 ha ha

 Why can't she spend the night at her home, with her Mom & Dad?

 Make Him Stop!

 Stroke me, Stroke me

 "We'll be right back with my expert analysis of Governor Cheney."

 From: teabow@email.msn.com

 Subject:  Leno on Bush/Cheney

 "Actually this is very smart," Leno concluded.
 "This is what the Republicans are calling a Wizard of Oz ticket.
  You see, Cheney needs a heart, and Bush needs a brain."

 ha ha

 Pigboy is seething with rage.
 The late night comics aren't doing Clinton cock jokes, anymore,
 so suddenly they're "using bad judgment!"

 ha ha

 Too bad this will only last for 4 more months...

 Screaming Pigboy Quotes

 Dubya is not a Junior!

 The press keeps reporting that he is, BUT HE'S NOT!

 Al Gore is a Junior, BUT THEY WON'T REPORT THAT!!

 ha ha

 Scream louder, Pigboy!
 We can't hear you!

 ha ha

 Great Pigboy Quotes

 "Ah Mo Beeder.
   Ah Mo Beeder!"

    -- Pigboy, quoting Smirk's plans for Ann Richards in 1994

 Poor Smirk

 It's early, but so far, all Pigboy can talk about is the Concorde Crash
 and how tough it was for him to fit his big, fat ass into one of the seats.

 Poor Smirk picks a aging dinosaur to lose with,
 and Pigboy's too busy complaining about the size of his fat ass
 to fawn over Smirk's bad choice.

 A Gift

 from the sweet ladies at landoverbaptist.org

  Laura the Martyr was whining about how much people hate her.
  She said if people hate her, they should also hate the Pope!

  She asked why there was no stopthepope.com

  From: ChrisMyles@worldnet.att.net

  Subject: Dr. Whora & the Pope

  I read this story this morning, and decided to check out  stopthepope.com
  to see if Whora was just blowing smoke.

  It turns out that somebody HAS registered it,
  but it's apparently in response to her sanctimonius crack.

  Dr. Laura's sanctimonious crack?
  I think I have a picture of that.
  ha ha

 The site bashes Whora quite nicely with a few paragraphs,
 and links to www.stopdrlaura.com

 As an added bonus, you can click on some other links to find out
 just how benevolent the Catholic church has been in the past few millenia.

 From:  onehandle@yahoo.com

 Subject: overshadowed as always

 A Concorde just crashed for the first time in the 30+ years of it's history.
 I swear it seems that everytime the GOP has "big news",
 some other story overshadows them.

 Maybe a higher power doesn't like them using His name.

 ha ha

 That was funny, even if the crash isn't.

 It's time to turn on our Smog Cam

 Instead of boring you every day with the pollution alerts put out by
 the Hooston Health Department, we've installed a Smog mini-cam in Hooston.

 Let's see...turning it on's kinda tricky...
 I throw this switch, then dial up this URL...
 Bear with me, folks, this might take a few minutes...

 There, I think I have it.

 Any second now, we should get a live shot of downtown Hooston

 Oh, by the way, we have an exciting new feature:
 You can control the camera!

 Yes, if you have Windows 98 or Windows 2000, you can manipulate the camera
 left and right, up and down, and even zoom in and out.
 Let's give it a try...

 Here it comes...

 <Left                 Zoom In               Zoom Out        Right>

 Jesus Christ, it's darker than Newt's heart in a Georgia divorce court!
 The boys in the booth say eveything's working allright.

 Let's try zooming in and see what happens:

 <L        Zoom In         Zoom Out           R>

 Hmmmm, not much help.

 Maybe if we try turning way to the left, or way to the right.
 Surely all of Hooston's air isn't this black.

 <L        Zoom In         Zoom Out           R>

 Still, no help.

 Maybe we should try our new airport Smog Cam at Hobby Airport.
 (Why do they call it that? Do they just dabble in air traffic control?)


 They're what?

 Oh, the boys in the booth say Enron's just burning off a little excess slag.

 Wait, I have an idea.
 Enron's refinery is located just south of the airport.
 If I can zoom in on Enron's slag-burn flame, maybe we can...

 <L               Zoom In          Zoom Out             R>

 Smog-Cam to the rescue!
 With Enron's help, I can see the jets as they come in for a landing!

 I wonder, is burning slag profitable?

  Revenues at the Houston-based Enron company, jumped 72% to $13.1 billion
  in the first quarter, from $7.6 billion a year ago. Enron's wholesale energy operations
  and services business fueled most of that growth, turning in Q1 revenues of $12 billion,
  up from $6.6 billion a year ago, and the second quarter's not even in yet!

 Anyway, the USA Today says the air in Hooston today is UNHEALTHY,
 but only if you're an oxygen-breathing, carbon-based bi-ped.

 For everyone else, it's OK!

 Vote Smirk 2000!

 From:  jsw1@hotmail.com


 Exxon Mobil Corporation today reported a record increase of over
 2.5 BILLION DOLLARSfor the second quarter of 2000.

 Their net income was $4,530 million ($1.28 per share) increased
 $2,576 million from the second quarter of last year.

 I can't WAIT for George W. Bush to stand on the podium at the
 First Union Center and tell the 'merican people that Big Oil
 is not to blame for the increase in gas prices.

 ha ha

 ...and Gore/Kerry are running against Oil/Oil,

 Great Letterman Quotes

 I guess Gov Bush has picked Dick Cheney, who's had some heart trouble.
 We might have a guy in the White House with hard arteries for a change.

From: VALERIE002@aol.com

 Subject:  This is so dirty,

 I'm almost ashamed to make this comparison,
 but I'm wondering if you'd thought of this yet?

 George W. Bush - Dick Cheney... Dick - Bush... Dick - Bush...

 Ha ha ha!
 You probably already thought about this, anyway!

 Valerie :-)

 ha ha

 No, you were quicker than me.

 From: InPinessnDeJoy@aol.com

 Subject: your web site

 why don't you stop the left wing hate. anyway the the left is closer to
 nazi's than the christian right. if you don't like it here in the U.S. why
 don't you leave, go somewere wre you don't have the freedom. I think people
 like you are the problem in the U.S. today.

 From: jrdungan@somewhere.gov

 Subject: Mistakes

 Mr. Smasher, Bartcop:
 Shithot article on the mistakes conservatives make.
 Well done.


 Joseph, thanks.
 All credit to BrainSmasher.
 I just added the personal insults.

     Laura the Martyr Issues 'Call to Action' for Sponsors

      LOS ANGELES (Rooters) - Controversial radio harpy Laura the Unloved
      has issued a ``call to action'' urging loyal listeners to help prevent advertising
      sponsors of her show from defecting under pressure from non-haters.

      Schlessinger, who dismembers the brain-dead on a weekday syndicated radio
      show that reaches an estimated 18 million sicko-fants, has sparked an uproar
      from gay and lesbian groups for her on-air references to homosexuality as
      ``deviant'' and ``a biological error.''

      The controversy has cost the show a dozen national advertisers since April,
      Kraig Kitchin, president and chief operating officer of Premiere Radio
      Networks, syndicator of the ''Dr. Laura'' show, said Monday. These include
      Procter & Gamble Co, GEICO Corp, Kraft Foods, Xerox Corp, AMEX Corp,
      and the online branch of Toys ''R'' Us.

      Still, the show has retained more than 90 percent of its 148 national sponsors,
      and demand for advertising time on the show continues to exceed supply,
      Kitchin told Rooters in a big, fat Nazu lie.

      "On the other hand, we don't enjoy the extra exercise that we need to go through
      reassuring clients that this program is a large and open forum and that Laura is not
      the discriminatory slut-whore America thinks she is,'' he said.

      Schlessinger has come under a barrage of protests from decent people since Paramount
      unveiled plans earlier this year to produce and syndicate a weekday "Dr. Laura TV show"
      that debuts Sept. 11. With Paramount refusing to back down, Laura's opponents turned
      their attention to something whores understand very well - cash money.

      In ``A Call to Action'' posted on her Web site since last week, Laura the gay hater
      said her show has come under attack from ''folks who don't share our beliefs about
      what's right for children and the family.''

      "This small group of people is targeting our sponsors... demanding that they stop,'' she wrote.
      Schlessinger groveled, begging her listeners to support her sponsors by purchasing their products.

      Kitchin said sponsors who are standing by the nasty bitch's show include
      Sears, EchoStar Satellites and Priceline.com.

      Schlessinger was quoted in the New York Times as comparing her views to those of
      Pope John Paul II, saying, ``I don't see stopthepope.com, do you?''

      Laura the multi-millionaire Martyr, trying to drag the Pope into her nasty hatefight?
      Have you no shame at all, you shameless whore?

 From: (withheld)

 Subject: The Lone Smog State

 Found a partial answer about who sits on the TNRCC
 in the normally right-wing rag, the Economist:

 For many environmentalists, this is exactly the problem. They argue that Mr
 Bush has in effect let the oil industry dictate the state’s environmental policy.
 All of the TNRCC’s three present commissioners have backgrounds in industry.
 Mr Marquez, for instance, formerly worked for the Monsanto chemical company.
 And some industrialists who helped create the voluntary pollution-reduction plan
 are among the most generous contributors Smirk's presidential campaign.

 Full  Story

 Last Call for Trafican't?

 Click  Here

 Deviant Minority Grabs GOP Spotlight
     Biological Errors Getting Uppity, Snippy

 WASHINGTON (AP) - Two groups of gay Republicans announced Friday they will
 have "receptions" during the GOP convention to honor the party's homosexual officials.

 Speakers at the ``Making History'' reception Aug. 1, sponsored by the Log Cabin
 Republicans and the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund, will include gay Rep. Jim Kolbe, R-Ariz.
 The groups said it will be the first such "reception" at a GOP nominating convention.

 Other "honorees" will include Arizona state Rep. Steve May, Plattsburgh, N.Y., Mayor
 Dan Stewart, D.C., Councilman David Catania, Peekskill, N.Y., Council member Bill Schmidt
 and gay "delegates" and "alternates" to the Republican National Convention, the groups said.

 Several of the "honorees" attended a meeting with Smirk in April,
 after which the Texas governor smiled and declared himself ``a better person.''

 "I welcome gay Americans into my campaign,'' he said, though he reaffirmed that he
  opposes many legislative and legal items on the groups' agendas, including gay marriage.

 "While I believe anal intercourse is unnatural, I must say the best oral sex I ever got was
  from an toothless old fella in the balcony of the Hartford Bijou in 1970," Bush said

 Gay activists said the meeting itself marked progress
 because it was a first for any Republican presidential nominee.
 As such, the session also upset some members of Bush's conservative base,
 who warned the Texas governor that he risked losing support.

 ha ha

 Smirk, how's the pressure?
 You're being dragged into the 19th Century, boy.

 Get used to it.

 Wait, so there's at least one guy going to the GOP convention as a gay, alternate delegate?

 ha ha

 There's a joke there somewhere, but it's very late...

 A Cartoon for you

  Click  Here

 From: voltai29@geocities.com

"No real Texan would duck such a challenge.
  Davey Crockett didn't run away from the Alamo.
  Then again, he was a Tennessean."
       --Gore campaign spokesman Chris Lehane, on the Letterman debate

 From: chatterbox

 The Cheney Problem
     By Timothy Noah

"The Cheneys themselves are an interesting couple.
At one point, Dick Cheney was secretary of defense and Lynne
Cheney was chairman of the National Endowment for the Humanities,
kind of the material and moral defense of western civilization.
They're a very formidable pair.
Everyone who knows them has regard for them."
   --William Bennett, Face the Nation, July 23, 2000

What is Bennett (still) smoking?
It's true that Dick Cheney--whom Bush reportedly is on the verge of naming
his running mate--enjoys a certain bland respectability. But Dick's wife, Lynne Cheney,
who succeeded Bennett at the NEH, is a shrill opportunist who could prove to be
a serious liability for the Republican ticket.

Lynne seemed pleasant enough 12 years ago, when Chatterbox (then a reporter
at Newsweek) lunched with her. She confessed that, although she was supposed to be
the nation's high-culture guardian, she'd just spent her summer vacation gulping down
Stephen King's The Tommyknockers.

Chatterbox was charmed.

Chatterbox was also impressed by her passionate advocacy of national
standards for teaching American and world history.

Chatterbox had to revise this favorable opinion after the presidency passed from the
Republicans to the Democrats. Almost immediately, Cheney started campaigning to
abolish the NEH and savaging her former grantee, UCLA's National Center for History
in the Schools , which was about to issue the very national standards she'd commissioned.

More recently, Cheney held court at a vituperative anti-Hillary Clinton panel at the
(usually more sober, and nominally less partisan) American Enterprise Institute.

There, Lynne criticized Hillary for occasionally holding her husband's hand
("It is just so distressing to me"), and questioned whether Hillary's credibility
"has in any way been undermined by her unsympathetic attitude toward the women
 alleged to have been imposed upon by her husband." The latter formulation may
give us some taste of what Lynne Cheney would sound like on the campaign trail.

Cheney actually had the gall to call Hillary--get this--a hypocrite!

 From:  doug@hidemail.com

 Subject: Debates

 I keep wondering when the presidential debates will happen, if ever.

 It'll be a while, I'd guess late September and early October.

 Surely then, the U.S. brain-dead people will wake up.
 I don't see why "W" has more support from women than Al Gore.
 I guess these women like to vote for a party that has
 fought vigorously against women's rights.


 Good point.
 It's just one more reason Gore couldn't lose if he tried.
 I, your Ediotr, could put three minutes in a Gore speech and wrap this up.

 "If you women don't mind Jesse Helms and Tom Delay deciding
  what's best for your uterus, then by all means, vote Republican.

 Why should I fight for your rights if you don't need them?
 If you women say that's not important, that's fine.
 That's democracy.
 I'm rich and young and healthy and in all the history books, I'm doing OK.

 You can retire me to a life of luxury and live under the old, white men of the GOP.
 I'll do OK.
 I'll even get a big tax cut out of the deal, so fine.

 Go ahead, vote for Smirk!"

 From: Foolcow@aol.com

 Subject: No Constitutional Problem

 Nothing in the Constitution prohibits Cheney from running
 on the ticket, even if he IS an inhabitant of Texas.
 For this to be a problem, two things have to happen:

 1. The Texas electoral vote must form Bush's margin of victory.

 2. When the Vice-Presidential is thrown into the Senate (after nobody has an
      electoral majority for VP), the Senate must decline to elect Cheney. This
      won't happen unless the Repubs lose control.

 Number 1 is extremely unlikely. Number 2 probably will not happen.
 The possibility of both happening is an inconsequential risk,
 which should not affect Bush's choice.

 So, you're saying Cheney rushed to Wyoming for no goddamn reason?

 ha ha

 Is he as stupid as you say?
 Or was he just trying to get away from his wife?

 Blacks at Waco?

 I know of no blacks killed in the Waco suicides,
 so that's what I wrote.

 I've "seen a list" floating around, (that's proof on the Internet, right?)
 that says there were, indeed, three African-Americans at the compound.

 ...but then again, that was a list somebody sent me.

 Since white-supremecy and tons-of-guns go together like ham & eggs,
 I just made a natural assumption, an educated guess.

 From: Hudly55@aol.com

 Subject: Cabanaboy Colmes


 Speaking of cabanaboys how bout Alan Colmes.

 Oh, don't get me started on that guy...

 His cabanaboy routine to Hannity makes me sick.

 He's gotta know he was hired to be Hannity's whipping boy.
 I think he's there to be the Alan Alda/Phil Donahue "sensitive eunuch liberal."

 I would love to see Carville replace Colmes for just one show and rip Hannity a new one.

 ha ha
 I think Carville was a Marine.
 I'll bet Hannity's manners would straighten up in a goddamn heartbeat.

 I can't believe the shit Hannity puts out and Colmes just sits there and lets this crap go.
 Who the fuck is Sean Hannity anyway?


 Colmes is paid to lie there and enjoy it.
 His conscience lets him do that - fine.
 I couldn't do it.

 I'm sure his kids will like Stanford.
 Maybe they can even carpool with Juan William's kids.

 By the way, Hannity is the real deal.
 He's being groomed to take Rush's place.
 Rush's strokes will soon retire him.
 He's just holding on till the elections are over.

 But Hannity is Rush's equal at being the most shrill and polarizing asshole imaginable.
 The whole point is to infuriate the other side almost to the point of violence.
 Hannity is maybe even better at it than Pigboy is.

 Someday, Rush will pass the urine-colored microphone to Hannity.
 Then Hannity will have the "courage" to telll the "truth."

 From: Foolcow@aol.com

 Subject: No fatalities?

 What war had no fatalities?
 Please share.
 This is fascinating.

 ha ha

 That's the Clinton Miracle again.

 Pick a war, any war, go ahead!
 Sorry, but there's no American dead.
 Clinton has never sent a man into battle that didn't come home,
 and that enrages some people.

 It's called "The Clinton Doctrine," and they'll teach it at every
 West Point military class until they're beaming men on & off ships.

 July 24, 2000

AMPOL Breaks Smirk's Running Mate!
  Gonzo Dave - First with the Scoop

  Click  Here

 Mistakes Conservatives Make

 You're "pro-life" but you support the death penalty.
 You think cutting funds from Education helps America's children.
 You claim ketchup is a vegetable.
 You think everyone on welfare is lazy.
 You rant and rave about the evils of drugs... unless it's alcohol or tobacco.

 You feel, everyone was "created equal" if the person is straight and white.
 You find humor in saying "Algore" and "President Hillary"
 You think anything left of Richard Nixon is communism.
 You think Hillary Rodham Clinton is out to destroy your family and your country.
 You tell people God is a capitalist.

 You think workers should be paid as little as they will accept.
 You think the media is led by "liberal" multi-conglomerate owners.
 You think everyone in America should be fluent in English - right now!
 You think the Second Amendment is a sacred document, carved in granite.
 You think the First and Fourth Amendments "need some work."

 You blame minority problems on the minority with the problem.
 You say Dan Quayle is experienced and intelligent, but you'd never vote for him.
 You think poor people should "knock it off."
 You want government enforced religion, if it's the one you believe in.
 You scream about all that awful filth on television, but when you praise pure capitalism,
    you say the market should make those kinds of decisions.

 You think the poor get off easy on their taxes.
 You think Al Gore to the unabomber have a lot in common.
 You care whether or not Clinton "inhaled"
 You think abortions should be against the law,
    except for that one time when your daughter needed one.

 You think only Democrats cheat when raising campaign money.
 You think only Democrats demonize their opponents.
 You think that because liberals don't like war they hate the boys in our military.
 You change the subject when your point fails to hold water.
 You scream "Play the race card" when we call you on your racism.

 You think affirmative action rewards the lazy (read black) people.
 You believe racism is no longer a problem.
    After all, the niggers will always complain about something, right?
 You hate taxes, because YOU worked hard for your money!
 You hate taxes, unless a weapons manufacturer in a district represented by
    Trent Lott or Phil Graam says they're "needed."

 You pass judgment on people based on their income.
 You count your age from conception.
 You think Rush Limbaugh is actually right 97.8 percent of the time,
    as documented by "The Sullivan Group" in Sacramento
 You think G. Gordon Liddy's six felonies were "patriotic."

 You think Ollie North told the truth about Iran-Contra,
    even if Ronald Reagan says it didn't happen that way.
 You think Pat Robertson wants nothing more than more souls for Jesus.
 You think 700 Club News is "fair and honest."
 You think impeachment was about the "Rule of Law."

 And finally, you know you're a conservative if you don't get the point of  this.


 VCR Alert - Mancow on Politically Incorrect tonight.

 If you want to see an entity that makes Rush and Larry Klayman seem normal
 check out this monkey on PI tonight.

 I haven't seen the show, obviously, but I'll bet Maher loses his temper
 and tells Mancow to "shut up" and I'll bet he uses a personal slur to boot.

 From: (withheld, until after the trial)

 Subject: Paul Harvey & legal stuff

 Hey Bartcop...

 It's good to know that someone else loathes Dr. Meng, Harvey, and Rusty
 as much as I do. I just happen to have a good Paul Horsey story for ya.

 I heard him do a little bit one time about a small American company that
 "made good by doing good"--they hit it big making the sarin antidote injectors
 that were handed out to U.S. troops during the Gulf war.
 Made it sound like patriotism in action.

 What he DIDN'T say was that that company's FIRST contract shipment of
 antidote injectors went to--you guessed it--IRAQ.

 Typical of Two-Faced Horsey Harvey--leaving out the 'good' parts.

 That sounds just like that cheap-shot bastard.

 By the way, I could use some legal advice. I'm a resident of California and I need
 to sue a resident of Florida for libel. Small claims is fine--I just need a judgement
 so I can have the lies the fucker posted about me on e-bay removed.

 You sound like a man who has considerable experience obtaining redress for
 various grievances by legal means. Any information you might have time to share
 would be greatly appreciated.


 Person X

 Person X,
 Thanks for the Harvey story.
 As far as the legal, remember, I'm not a lawyer, and I don't know Smirk
 about Florida courts, but here's a possible plan of action:

 For around $100, you can hire a process server in Florida to serve the dude.
 Court costs should be $35-75, and the server gets around 35-50,
 but he only gets paid if he serves the summons successfully.
 (He'll fill out your forms, too. Don't let him snow you about "all the work"
  he's doing. He goes to the courthouse everyday and this is five minute's work.)

 You'll need a dollar amount on the summons, say $1000.
 Don't say anything about liable or slander on the summons.
 For the reason, just put "broken contract."

 When he gets the summons, his attitude will probably change.
 You will have morphed from an internet nobody to a person whose
 going to force this knucklehead into standing before a judge and having
 to live with whatever the judge decides he has to do.

 Odds are as soon as he's served, he'll contact you and ask you to "be reasonable."
 For you, "reasonable" is he takes down whatever offends you and sends you
 a money order for your court costs. Tell him it's in his best interests to settle.
 I always say, (if he's a plumber, for instance) "Maybe the judge's wife left him
 for a plumber and you might remind him of that asshole."

 Of course, you should never use the crowded court system for petty grievances.

 If he says, "Fine - let's go to court" you can just drop it, but what idiot
 wants to take a day off work to see if the judge is in a bad mood?
 Or, if you know someone in Florida, have them go to court for you!
 You don't have to be there. When the judge calls the case, your friend says,
 "Bob Wilson for the plaintiff, Your Honor," and if the weasel doesn't show,
 you win the judgment!

 ha ha

 Now you get to garnish his paycheck and/or his checking/savings account.
 Once you get a judgment, you can ruin him!
 I've done this 1,000 times.
 That's how I got so mean!

 ha ha

 If you get the judgment, you no longer have to prove anything.
 He just owes you $1,000, and it doesn't matter why.

 Good luck, lemme know what happens.

 July 25, 2000

 Remember that crazy David Horowitz guy who attacked Joe Conason?

 He's got another column out attacking Joe, for some reason.
 (Never forget who Richard Dunn is.)

 No sense in running this idiot's column, (it's HERE if you want to waste the time)
 suffice to say this next sentence of his sums up the backbone of his writing:

 Though many Clinton officials have been convicted,
 many more (including the culprit-in-chief) obviously have not.

 Many Clinton officials have been convicted?
 If we're talking about misdemeanors, such as understating the amount
 of money paid to a former girlfreind, I can think of one "guilty" person.

 But if we're talking about felonies, there was Web Hubbell, but that was for
 the "crime" of overbilling clients, and that was before he came to Washington.

 Oh, sure, Starr tried to get Hazel O'Leary on something, but she was innocent.
 Starr tried to get Bruce Babbitt on something, but he was innocent.
 Starr tried to get Mike Espy on something, but he was innocent.

 Can you name another member of the Clinton administration with a felony?

 You can't.

 So why would a nasty shit like Horowitz claim again and again and again and again
 that the Clinton Administration is "so corrupt?"

 This is another reason why Gore couldn't lose if he tried.
 America can't trust these Republican nasty shits with power.

 Democrats pick up senate seat, five to go

 Full  Story

 Great Fascist Quotes

 "The lack of justice for the 80 dead women and children will now increase
   the divide between large segments of American people and its government.

  The American people now understand how certain minorities,
  such as poor African-Americans,
  believe that our system of justice does not represent the 'little people.'"
            Grand Imperial Wizard Larry Klayman.

  Isn't Mr. Klayman a good man?
  He's taking time away from his primary job, pulling down Clinton's zipper
  and reaching in and fishing around for Air Force One to help the poor blacks
  who were killed at the barricaded fortress of the Messiah, Vern Koresh.


  There were no blacks at Waco.
  Klayman must be crazier than we think!

 What's going on in Smirk's head?

 Pigboy is reporting Colin Powell has been released from his wife's
"If you run I'll leave your ass" threat and is meeting with Smirk,
 along with Cheney and people Smirk Daddy can trust.

 This started as a joke, and it keeps getting worse all the time.
 I think everyone would agree Powell is the most charasmatic person
 Smirk could get to joint his ill-fated quest, but when he doesn't get Powell,
 it's a clear signal that Smirk settled for second best, whoever that is.


 It would be such a smarter move to leak the names of boneheads
 like Voinovich or Engler, and let everybody get their hopes deflated
 THEN come along with a Powell or a McCain, but nooooooooooooo.

 Oh, suuuure, Smirk is promising everybody Angie Harmon,

but he's going to give us that fat lady with the funny makeup from the Drew Carey show.



 Go, Pigboy!

 Rush says
 "Of course Smirk needs help on the ticket.
  One man can't run the world's only superpower by himself.
  No single person knows enough to run the entire government."

 ha ha

 I know of a guy.

 I know a guy who not only ran the government with ease,
 he reversed 12 years of wild-ass government spending, balanced the budget,
 directed a war with no fatalities and while he was doing all that without breaking a sweat,
 he successfully fought off a ditto-monkey congress grabbing for his cock.

 From: (withheld)

 Subject: The Real Reason Bush may choose Cheney

 If you want to look: TALL, HANDSOME & INTELLIGENT
 Stand next to someone who is : SHORT, UGLY & STUPID

 Gee, Bush is really stupid.
 Cheney is a terrible choice.
 Leaves Gore clear to attack Daddy Bush.
 Gore becomes a man with a vision of the future,
 Smirk is the man looking backwards, wanting to return to
 the days of recessions, red-ink and massive deficits.

 Real reason: To leave way clear for Jeb, the smarter brother, to run next.

 ...and they criticize Hillary for Political Ambition?

 ha ha

 Pigboy is claiming he's been approached for the VP job.

 ha ha

 What, David Duke's phone was off the hook?

 Gimme a "T" for Texas, and a "T" for Tennessee

 We have a new feature at  bartcop.com.

 Smog Cam

 Instead of boring you every day with the pollution alerts out out by
 the Hooston Health Department, we've installed a mini-cam in Hooston.

 Let's see...turning it on's kinda tricky...
 I throw this switch, then dial up this URL...
 Bear with me, folks, this might take a few minutes...

 There, I think I have it.

 Any second now, we should get a live shot of downtown Hooston

 Here it comes...

 There it is!

 Koresh, it's another UNHEALTHY day for air-breathers in Hooston.


 Koresh, it makes me gag and retch just looking at that trash in the air.

 When I bought this new mini-cam, they said I could get another one for only $40,
 so what the hell, I bought two, and we put the second camera in Tennessee.

 Let's see if I can get it working...
 Should be easy, since I got the other one working...

 There we go!

 That's what you get when you say "yes" to a tree-hugging Democrat
 and "No," to the bribed-ass Republican puppet of the Big Oil companies.

 Tune in this time tomorrow for another peek into Texas and Tennessee.

 How to get around in Hooston.

 From: efestag@mail.alac.org

 Subject: Colin Powell as VP

 Some time ago, Colin Powell indicated that what soured him on the vice
 presidency was Bush's appearance at Bob Jones University and the Confederate
 flag matter. He may change his mind, but isn't it unlikely?

 Eckhard Festag

 Powell has that whole skin-pigment thing working against him.
 Oh, they'll let him fight their wars, but lead?
 No way.

 If Smirk gets indicted for Funeral-gate, that would make a black man president.
 It's not going to happen.

 Since Smirk and Cheney both dodged the draft, some say Vietnam combat veteran
 Al Gore might pick Vietnam combat veteran John Kerry (also my pick) to showcase
 what cowardly losers the "Party of War" has chosen to lead their run at the White House.

 The Gore Victory Juggernaut has outlined their schedule for the big week.

 Aug 14  Bill and Hillary roar into history with a "job well done" salute.

 Aug 15  Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg will  stun the nation  with "Kennedy magic."

 Aug 16  VP-elect John Kerry will deliver the speech of his life.

 Aug 17  Pres-elect Al Gore's "This is Your Life" victory program.

 The "big" story is scheduled to run this week.

 Actually, what's big about it is that it was never a story to begin with.
 We've been staring at this story for years and years,
 but nobody has thought to put it in print until now.

 The biggest non-story of the nineties will be here Wednesday.

 "Some see Cheney as perfect choice"
         headline in USA Today

  They say Cheney brings everything that Smirk needs to the ticket:

  He's a "serious" man.
  He knows foreign policy.
  He has gravitas.
  He has real experience.
  He has an enormous reputation.
  He has competence and integrity.


  if Smirk is not serious,
  if he doesn't know shit about foreign policy,
  if he has no gravitas,
  if he has no real experience,
  if he has no big reputation,
  if he needs someone with competence and integrity
  what the hell is Smirk doing at the top of the ticket?

 Cheney's nothing but a goddamn babysitter for little Smirk.

How to get a book published in today's whore American press.

 Why is Dick Cheney, who's lived in Dallas since 1995, allowed to pretend
 that he still lives in way the hell up in Wyoming somewhere, just so he can get
 around a little thing like the Constitution of the United States and run on Smirk's ticket?

 There's a word for doing what Cheney's doing, but I just can't think of what it is.
 Oh, yeah, that's right.
 It's called "lying your fucking ass off."

 To me, that's just as crooked as, say, living in Kennebunkport, Maine
 and using an undeveloped lot in Houston as your official mailing address
 so you wouldn't have to pay those pesky state taxes in Maine.

 "Why is it legal to lie about your address to avoid taxes" you ask?

 You know why it's legal for Cheney to pretend he lives in Wyoming?
 You know why it's legal for Smirk Daddy to pretend he lives in Texas?
 You know why.

 ...because it has nothing to do with Clinton's cock, that's why.

 In an effort to promote suspense, the Smirk camp has indicated
 former Senator Purina Dog Chow is still a possible VP contender.

 Use your head.

 Smirk is from Texas.
 Waco is in Texas.

 Is Smirk going to consider the man who gave Clinton-Reno a score of
 "one hundred percent innocent" on Koresh's suicide?

 The KKK and the CCC would never forgive him for that.

 Arf!  Arf!

 From: skisics@yahoo.com


 Lyin’, snortin’, smirkin’
 That’s all you seem to do.
 Palin’ around with every lobby in town.
 Askin’ your dad to think things through for you.
 Hidin’ your past
 Think it’s gonna last
 Trouble’s gonna come to you
 One of these days and it won’t be long,
 Just like your daddy, you’ll be gone.
 This is all we gotta to say, you woman


 November’s gonna come.
 November’s gonna come.
 November’s gonna come.
 November’s gonna come.

 Made up my mind
 To vote for this time
 For someone with a mind
 And you don’t fit the bill.
 Do what you want
 We’ll see you’re a chump
 You’re fadin’ away,
 Won’t see you anymore.
 Don’t care what you say
 Cause we’ll vote you away
 Gonna make you pay
 For being a brainless, Texas hick
 The press lookin’ all around,
 Watch out Smirky, no longer
 Will you hide your shameful past.
 You been bad and we know it
 But it’s coming back home to you.


 November’s gonna come.
 November’s gonna come.
 November’s gonna come.
 November’s gonna come.

 Plane names for Smirk

 Now that they say he's chosen Cheney, a fellow oil man,
 maybe they should call the plane, "Slick and Slicker."

 I wish I had a Tiger Woo filter I could click on.
 I'm soooo tired of hearing about how great he is.

 Maybe the other golfers should just quit, so Tiger can walk the course by
 himself and just be great and they could re-name the sport "Tiger" and we
 could give him his own cable channel that I could remove from my remote.

 Besides Toger Woo, the two words I heard 1,000 times yesterday were
 "Cheney" and the adjective, "serious."

 Cheney is a "serious" pick.
 This choice proves Smirk is "serious."
 It's Smirk's most "serious" decision of his career.
 Cheney is a "serious" choice and must be "seriously" considered.

 Tell me, besides Smirk Daddy,
 has any president ever picked a fucking joke for vice president?

 Should we heap praise on the Smirk because, with Quayle retired,
 he couldn't possibly pick someone as stupid as his daddy did?

 Is that really a reason to praise his judgment?

 by the way...

 They say Smirk has to pick Cheney now,
 because after sending him to Wyoming to officially lie about his residence,
 and after forcing him to give Haliburton Oil Equipment notice that he's leaving,
 if Smirk picks someone else, it will look like he put "serious Dick" Cheney thru
 all those hoops just to fend off that feisty McCain, and Smirk would look even more
 stupid that most people think he is now, and we can't have that.

 They're talking about how qualified Cheney is.

 I remember waaaaay back in 1988, they said Smirk daddy was
 "the most qualified man in the century to run for president," since he'd been
 a representative for what, one term? then an ambassador to China,
 then head of the CIA before becoming Reagan's Cabanaboy in 1980.

 Notice how they're NOT saying that about Smirk?

 To hear Smirk tell the tale, he's not qualified to be governor of a real state,
 but since the governor of Texas is entirely ceremonial, like being Queen of England,
 they thought Smirk might be able to handle the job, and he has.

 Way to go, Smirk!

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