From: Chris Mathews
Subject: Nothing important...
Just wanted to tell you that you are doing
a great job.
I look forward to reading your page everyday.
Went to my local liquor store the other
day, no Chinaco Anejo.
All the bad things I've said about you, I'm surprised to hear from you.
Of course, every word I said was true, so I'm doubly impressed.
My first suggestion on the Chinaco would be to find
the biggest store
in your town and ask to speak to the guy who orders the goodies.
Tell him you've heard many people on the Internet say Chinaco Anejo
is the very, very best you can buy, and you're looking for a place
where you might be able to buy a bottle or two every week.
Notice how that was worded - you haven't told any lies.
If there's a reason why nobody would/could order it, I'd do this:
Make a list of what kinds the local stores carry, obviously pass
(Whoops - it that another joke against the Jewish people?)
any brands that aren't 100 % blue agave.
(They all say that very clearly. If it says "Made
with Agave" it's crap.
Look for the "100 percent" on the bottle.)
Then, find the biggest bar in town and sample a few shots and
which one suits you best. It's possible there's another tequila out there
that's better than Chinaco Anejo. Being a logician, I have to allow for
that possibility, just like I allow for the possibility there is a God.
The only other thing I'd suggest is that you stop screaming
and let your guests answer a damn question now & then.
Great Confirming Quotes
Why don't you whip your Bible out when you're alone?
Oh, that's right.
You want to be seen praying.
The prayers mean nothing in and of themselves, it's being seen
gives them that special thrill. That's why they want to pray in schools and
football games and every other damn place - so other people can watch them.
"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites,
for they love to pray
standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men.
I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.
But when you pray, go into your room, close
the door and pray to your
Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret,
will reward you.
And when you pray, do not keep on babbling
for they think they will be heard because of their many words.
Do not be like them, for your Father knows
what you need before you ask him.
(Jesus Christ, thru Matthew 6:5-8)
Pour a little Tussin on our health care problems, would you?
Alaska Tom here
Referring to the "White House Dog" incident.
I remember seeing this bit. Rush laughed when it happened and so did the ditto monkeys in the audience,
only their fat asses kept them from falling out of their seats. If I remember correctly, Leno made a joke
at her expense a day or two before and I think Pigboy wanted to jump on the bandwagon.
A syndicated show gets time to be cleaned
up and edited for content,
Pigboy refused to do that. I have heard Pigboy explain how a syndicated show works,
so by his own admission he is lying through his urine colored microphone.
What a slime.
Dittoes to that, Tom.
I just got my first issue of my Time Magazine subscription.
What the hell happened to it?
It's thinner than Smirk's political resume.
It says it has 72 pages, but Swear to Koresh, it's less than
an eighth of an inch when you look at it sideways.
Time says Robert Ray had a lot of trouble finding people for his
latest grand jury to investigate Clinton's cock.
Ray claims he has to have a grand jury to test his evidence, but if he can't find people willing, isn't that his answer?
This is the GOP's vision for America's future.
Endless, pointless cock hunts - as far as the eye can see...
Remember the "big story?"
(Click Here, if you dare...)
Remember, the crux of the apostrophe is that Bush threw the election
so he'd be free to pardon his co-conspirators on his way out.
It got a big boost from an unexpected source today.
I know that story is stained as bad as Monica's dress, but the
I hear back from people, the more solid the theory seems to get.
I got an e-mail from a DJ at KBOO in Portland saying he was going
to talk about the "big story"
on his show, but I guess he thought I was just pulling his lariat when I asked if I could get a copy.
But the theory is standing the test of time.
In a hundred years, people will call me a visionary.
New York's Governor Pataki has signed into law a bill that requires
cigarettes to stop burning
if they're not being puffed on. Authorities expect hundreds of lives to be saved from a death by fire.
Since it involves cigarettes, and it'll save lives, you know Rush
has to hate this,
but he won't say anything because Wacky Pataki has an "R" after his name.
Gary Karr, the man police say murdered Madalyn Murray O'Hair
got his murdering ass sentenced to a life term under the three strikes law.
You remember Madalyn Murray O'Hair...
She's the woman who asked the Supreme Court back in 1962 to
decide if we were a nation of laws or a nation of religio-ditto-monkeys.
Madalyn, I know you can't hear me, because you're dead,
...and there's no afterlife or Heaven or Hell or anything
and I don't care what Paulie Walnuts says....
...but thanks for everything Maddie.
I wish I had your debating skills.
I installed a digital camera today and it re-configured my entire
The sons-of-bitches, like everyone else, won't give out a phone number so I can give them a piece
of my mind, and I can't use their on-line service because I have to first set up an account with their
customer service clowns and to do that I have to fill out a form that includes important information
like the level of education my mother achieved before I can get to the part where I can throw a fit.
This is an AGFA digital camera using Corel software.
These bastards re-configured my entire computer against my will.
It took away my Netscape short cuts, it completely shut off my mailbox.
It changed every single association on my hard drive. It also caused everything to freeze
as I was pasting today's treehouse fun in the "upload" bin, which isn't working either.
Those AGFA guys have a special coming, Swear to Koresh.
If this makes it up, I'll be surprised.
This is all that's left of a few hours work, the bastards.
These bastards sent two entire CDs with their cheap-ass camera.
If I'm not mistaken, the entire Windows 98 software comes on one CD, right?
All I wanted was the software that would take the pictures from the
camera and put them on my hard drive. Instead of what I wanted, I got:
Corel Print Office
Corel Photo House
Video for Windows Driver
ArcSoft Video Impressions
and AGFAnet Print Service.
Remember, it took two CDs, which is almost
1.5 GIG of information, and all I want is the goddamn pictures
to show up on my hard drive, and the chicken-shit losers who did this to me are hiding somewhere.
And the funny stuff I wrote for today's treehouse wasn't that
good, surely not anything better than the usual,
but to have it all disappear pisses me off. And worse, (it always gets worse) I can't even re-create
what was written because I'm too damn mad to be "funny."
If those chicken-shit bastards HAD a phone number,
I guarantee they would've changed it to "unlisted" after my call.
Oh, well, as least I should have smooth sailing at BartCop Manor
If Mrs. BartCop is made happy, everything else runs like a 20-cylinder Jag.
Tonight, we get to watch Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football.
Hard to believe he's doing a game without competing against a convention.
You can't get a bigger fan of Dennis Miller than myself, but the first two
games were against Nazi-Con 2000 and Demo-Con 2000,
so I haven't gotten to see him yet.
Tonight, I'll get to watch for the first time.
Tuesday, she gets her fix of Regis. I get a lot of treehouse
stuff written during Regis.
Wednesday is the three-hour Survivor finale. She looooves Survivor, but now it's going off.
By the way, I heard someone say the guy who shaved his chest was
voted off the island a week or two ago.
That's good. Men who shave their chest have special problems you and I couldn't begin to understand.
She thinks crusty old Rudy is going to win.
By the way, remember that religio-nut with the Bible on Survivor?
He was on Pat Robertson's show whining and whining that everybody
hated him because he kept yapping about the Bible.
Hey, Dude, I got a thunderbolt for ya:
Stop yak, yak, yakking about your particular religious superstitions and
maybe people will start treating you like a regular person instead of a nut.
Why don't you whip your Bible out when you're alone?
Oh, that's right.
They want to be seen praying.
The prayers mean nothing in and of themselves, it's being seen
that gives them that special thrill. That's why they want to pray in schools and
football games and every other damn place - so other people can watch them.
What's wrong with those people?
Are they so insecure that they must be seen praying?
If I was a religious man, I'd take my relationship with God personally
and treat it with respect, instead of waving it around like a goddamn flag.
Sorry, I was explaining why it should be a good week.
By the way, the actual Survivor is from 7-9 CST. That's when they
get down to the two finalists and the jurors-come-lately get to vote.
Wouldn't it have been smarter to let the web surfers vote?
By the way, what is survivorsucks.com going to do now?
That would've made it truly interactive.
So many shows brag about how interactive they are, like McLaughlin.
John throws out a question to vote on, and that's it - nothing.
Same for Reliable Sources - they invite you to e-mail them, then they
read ONE 5-second e-mail out of the 10,000 they receive.
Gee, I feel so included...
After they let the losers vote on the winner, (dumb system) they
a special last hour of togetherness to take us to the 10 O'Clock News.
So Wednesday, the over-and-under on the times the viewers hear
the word "Moo" is 44, so be sure and send in your bets.
...and I'll give even money that Richard kisses Rudy!
Thursday's treehouse might be good, since I'll have a full three
of quality writing time Wednesday night during the last Survivor.
Thursday night is another Regis for her, then Friday is another Chris Rock.
Which reminds me...
Chris Rock is still the funniest man in America, but his first
show wasn't super-hot.
He'd have to have a bad season to lose his title and crown.
He had a few good jokes, sure, like this one:
"You know the world's about to end when the greatest golfer is
and the greatest rapper is white."
I'll tell you, regular readers know I never, ever brag
on myself, ...and when I do, it's because if I don't,
nobody else will, but if I had a team of writers and HBO gave me 6 months to come up with a funny 30 minutes,
that 30 minutes would be smoking like Bill Bennett in the Green Room at Meet the Whore!
I'm sure Chris will be back in top form next week, so nevermind...
Democrats do it better.
I don't know how much of the vulgar Pigboy's show you heard today,
but I wish I had more time to get into it.
(For the first time in a month, my boss asked me to do some work.)
It's been a lot of fun listening to the ditto-monkeys call in
"Rush, it's happening again!!!"
"We were doing so well, then Gore has his convention and now we're gonna lose!"
It was a great day to own an AM radio.
Then there was this guy:
Caller: Rush, my girlfriend was gonna
vote Smirk, but after hearing Gore,
she says she's going to vote for him now.
Pigboy: Sounds like you need a new girlfriend.
Caller: But she is
the new girlfriend. In 1992, I was going with a girl who liked Smirk Daddy,
but after Clinton's convention, she said she was going to vote for Clinton, so I dumped her.
Of course, as predicted, this is terrible news for bartcop.com
I need a Smirk victory to become wealthy enough to buy that car.
Can't we talk about the Buddhist temple some more?
Can we get a Gore Murder List circulating?
I understand Al Gore raped a woman back in 1972.
Can we send that whore Lisa Myers to Bugtussle and interview her?
Where's the outrage?
Ms. Moneypenny, take a memo:
Dear Mr. Scarfe - Al Gore is your biggest threat!
Please send David Brock to Bugtussle and pay him to interview some
other lying sons-of-bitches that you paid to make some phoney charges.
I'm going to lose this battle.
Nothing can stop the Gore juggernaut.
But Koresh knows the fight-dirty Smirk team will try.
Stroke Me, Stroke Me
If Gore didn't break 50 percent, he didn't
get a bounce.
I don't care what the mainstream media says, he didn't get a bounce.
Pigboy, Smirk was up 18 points, now he's down by 3.
Secular math proves that Gore gained 21 points.
But you, in your Divine Bovinity, say the press is lying about
Seems like we juuuuuust covered this exact subject.
First, they lie to the idiot sheep.
Then, when the truth is discovered, they invent a different excuse.
They cannot face the facts - that's what makes 'em sheep.
Rush went to a commercial, then came back and said,
"Of COURSE Gore got a bounce.
Saying we didn't expect Gore to get a bounce ignores political history."
...the poor, insane Pigboy.
He can't remember from one minute to the next which side of the lie he's on.
Polls Causing GOP Panic?
Here's General PigBoy to speak a few reassuring words.
PigBoy says the only poll that's worth a damn is the "bipartisan" Battleground Poll.
Well waddaya know! It's the only
poll still showing Smirk with a lead, and just by than the margin of error!
Funny, I thought PigBoy always said that Zogby was the only reliable pollster.
Looks like ol' reliable Zogby has Gore ahead by 4%!
PigBoy says polls this early don't mean
a thing. For once, he's right.
But that's not what he was saying last month, when Zogby was still reliable, and the polls all had Smirk way ahead.
Subject: Dick Cheney's DUI's
Now that we're hearing all about Gore's
kid's speeding ticket, I
thought I'd mention this from the Washington Post in which Alan Simpson
refers to DICK CHENEY'S DUI. I've heard he has had more than one.
And we know all about Smirk driving drunk
and knocking over trash cans,
then confronting Daddy "mano o mano"....
It's been a rough eight years for the Republicans...
Jokes I Couldn't Dare Tell
Noting that Joe Lieberman's addition
to the ticket had cut Gore's
deficit in the polls from 19 percent to 2 percent,
"This is the first time in history a Jew has knocked 80 percent off."
"I don't understand why now the Catholics
can drink wine in Church but
the Rastafarians, they have to go to court so they can smoke their marijuana.
I mean, everybody wants to be a little fucked up when you talk to God.
He's a scary guy. You wanna be a little fucked up. And, He looks better."
-- Bill Maher
Got those from the "Aaron's TV Barn," newsletter.
He had one more:
(Follow-up: After I posted this article
to the TV Barn Web site, Tom Heald reminded me
that the Rush-man *had* told just such a crass, lowlife joke on his old syndicated TV show.
"Everyone knows the Clintons have a cat,"
"Socks is the White House cat. But did you know there is a White House dog?"
And just at that moment, up popped a picture
of then-13-year-old Chelsea Clinton.
Limbaugh later protested that it wasn't his fault, saying "an unnamed staffer put
Chelsea's picture on the screen against my will!" To which Tom replied,
"Of course, his TV show wasn't live, so he could've made sure the
'unintended joke' was edited out before it aired."
You see what a lying scumbag Limba is?
Not only did he attack a 13-year old girl, he lied about it.
If he was half a man, he could've said, "Sorry, that wasn't me at my best,"
and apologized, but instead he chose to lie about attacking her.
What this guy fails to realize that if it wasn't Rush's intention
to ridicule Chelsea, why start telling the joke?
Rush acts like he was simply talking about "the White House dog" (there wasn't one at the time)
when the "unnamed staffer" jumped in with the tasteless slur.
But if it was so "accidentally unintended,"
...why start telling the joke in the first place, Rush?
...and the religious wackos think he's so pure and decent, it makes me want to fucking hurl.
From: Marc Perkel
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens
aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM,
an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
On March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
Subject: Your work ethic
I noticed you stopped working on Saturdays.
What's up with that?
Actually, I've become a Joe Lieberman Democrat.
It seems I'm the only one on the www who didn't know where the
current Doonesbury's are kept - thanks to everyone who sent it :)
Well, did you see Mr. Perfect, Rush's best
friend Tiger Woo yesterday?
I tried to catch the opening of 60 Minutes, but no, Mr. Perfect was busy
shredding every inept golfer in the world at the PGA.
Did you see the last hole? Sure looked
fixed to me.
Is pro golf becoming like wrestling?
The game of golf would lose millions in ad revenue if Mr. Perfect
were to ever lose a tourney, and it looked like he got some help.
His tee shot went so wild, so off-course,
the cameras couldn't hardly cover it.
They showed his ball flying behind a mound of dirt about 8 feet high.
Now, count with me -
...five seconds after the ball disappears
from the camera's view, it comes
shooting out from behind this mound of dirt, with a "Hole Marshall" chasing it.
If you think a golf ball can disappear behind
a mound of dirt for 5 seconds,
then come screaming out, (as opposed to trickling out after some ricochets)
then you probably believe Kennedy and Connelly were hit by the same bullet.
Is professional golf like everything else
in this country?
Did Don King purchase the PGA?
Does Tiger Woo get invisible help at every tournament?
Does Mr. Perfect always "earn" his trophies this way?
If Mr. Perfect shows some fallibility, they'll
lose a nickle, right?
In America, losing that nickle is always the last option.
In America, you let your mother die before you lose that nickle.
And don't think I'm the only one who saw
Coming to work I heard the one-on-one radio station saying the same thing.
A ball just can't suspend itself in mid-air for five seconds, then come roaring
out from out-of-camera range to give Mr. Perfect a better lie, so to speak.
I think the public got hosed.
Who holds the record for most RBI's in one inning?
First thing, I need a copy of yesterday's Doonesbury.
The last time I saw one this good I was
in Santa Fe, which means it was October - ten months ago.
I can find doonesbury.com, thank you, but they only have weeks-old stuff, and somebody knows
a trick on how to get the recent stuff like yesterday's masterpiece.
From: South's Finest Chocolate
The convention was really an experience of a lifetime!
Just arrived back a work and still have
a combination of jet and excitement lag.
The evening speeches were really a highlight.
Clinton was as good as ever. Jackson was great.
Gore really hit right where he needed to. I really believe he will continue to open up
and show America what all the right wing media said he couldn't.
Ellis, thanks for the report.
Ediotr's Note: Ellis's company produces the
of great, luxury chocolates.
The South's Finest Chocolate Factory can ship you anything on their menu.
Subject: Beltway Boys
Why are the Beltway Boys talking (Sunday Aug. 20) about absolutely no bounce for Gore?
If this was taped earlier, shouldn't Fox
put a disclaimer in?
I mean, they are the "fair and balanced" news outlet...
Karla8, they do it on purpose.
Then they can say "CNN, ABC, CBS and NBC are lying" for reporting a poll
the know is faked, so the only way to get "the truth," is to listen to Fox News.
Then, in November when Gore wins big, they'll say
"Al Gore illegally stole the election with
the help of the Chinese.
Stay tuned for all the true details from the honest Bill O'Reilly at 8 PM, with his guests Barbara Olson,
Dick Morris and Peggy Noonan, followed by the honest Sean Hannity show at 9, with his guests Anne Coulter,
Bill Safire and Kelly Fizpatrick, followed by a very special round-table hosted by the too-fair-for-words
Paula Von Zahn with her guests Jerry Falwell, Larry Klayman, Ted Nugent, Dan Burton, Mancow
and that idiot Donato the Fisherman."
...how do you think they stay on the air?
Great GOP Quotes
"After eight years, I sometimes wonder how you
could be president if you'd not been an actor."
-- Ronald Reagan, 1988
Cokie Jackskirt had a column in Saturday's K-Drag paper.
"Gore Nobody's Beer Buddy" is it's title.
You know how she goes on and on without saying anything, well,
I read between the lines and figured out what the hell she meant.
She says America loves Bill Clinton, and we're sad to see
We wish that stupid 22nd Amendment didn't exist so would could win the
Super Bowl next year, too, but the law is the law, so what can we do?
America very much wants another Bill Clinton, but there isn't one.
The choices we have are Smirk, the clueless dolt/charmer, the
former baseball man
who knows about babes and sports and would be fun to get drunk with if he
didn't have that life-threatening substance abuse problem haunting him from his past,
...and the second choice,
the intellectual wonk who doesn't have Clinton's graceful social
With Clinton, we had both - a party animal and an intellectual giant.
So after having both, our present choice boils down to Sam Malone or Frasier Crane.
Let's hope Cokie is more wrong than Chippy the Chimp, and let's
hope America picks
the intellectual professional instead of the braindead playboy substance abuser.
Jesus Twin Calls Brother "Corrupt"
Rep Tom Coburn (R-Jesus Twin) has honored his pledge, unlike Uncle
and fellow Jesus Twin Steve Largent, (R-Liar) to serve just three terms and leave.
In AM radio ads for his hand-picked successor, Andy Ewing, Coburn states,
"When you honor your pledge to serve and go back home,
the big money special interest boys can't get their hooks into you."
Steve Largent, who has broken his word to come back home because,
"there is more work to be done," must be
who Coburn is talking about. Largent has been fully compromised by the stay-at-all-costs fever, allowing the big money,
special interest boys to get their hooks into him and use him like the dirty crack whore he has become.
Coburn has vowed to pay for his fallen brother.
"It's sad to see a good man be turned corrupt by a bad system," he said.
Here's a fun place to go..
(Click on Smirk)
Read Previous Issue
Go to bartcop.com