Volume 258 - The Real Slim Smoggy

 August 31, 2000

 Hey, Papax7,

 Today's USA Today says Houston's air is "UNHEALTHY"
 but the air in Los Angeles has been rated "GOOD."

 ...thought you'd want to know.

 Pearl Jam Update

 "With three Supreme Court positions opening in the next administration,
   I'm frightened to think of a Republican in office, especially one raised
   by a father who was in the CIA. I'm moving to a different country if
   little Damien II gets elected."
      -- Eddie Vedder, page 7D USA Today

 ha ha

 "Little Damien II?"

 ha ha

 Are you kidding me?

 Damien II?

 ha ha

 Make him stop!

From http://www.theonion.com/onion3630/infograph_3630.html

 This is a great point about Dennis Miller.
 1. I know who Marquis de Sade was, and apparently Warren Sapp was
     playing with pain and proud of it. It's a good joke.

 2. I don't get the Bill Maher joke.
     Eric Dickerson, the most-yardage-ever dude is on the sidelines, but you
     can't mistake him for Bill Maher, and that skinny, skinny babe is there.
     Can't the cameraman hand her a sandwich?

 3. Yes, when Dennis gets excited, his voice gets a high pitch to it.

 4. Four is the killer.
     The Rubicon is a river between the straight people and the dopers,
     or at least that's what it's come to mean.
     William of Orange sounds like somebody Mel Gibson would play
     in a movie he directed.
    Yalta is the conference where Churchill and Stalin met the "new" Roosevelt.
     I forget what they did, but it was near the end of WWII, so maybe they
     we planning how to kick Japanese butt, but any mention of Yalta is meant
     to portray a meeting, a huddle, a plan of attack by the big boys.

    This is what makes Miller so funny.
    If I had a degree in literature, I'd like him even more.

5. I don't dislike Hank Jr, but he's a Republican and that song got old years ago.

6. Filler

7. Point already made in #1 and #4.

8. If Miller loses this job, it'll be because he's too smart for the masses,
    and that would be a good excuse to bring in an uneducated dropout Pigboy.

    Let's hope Drudge was lying (again) when he said Pigboy got another audition.

 Does the band Pearl Jam read  bartcop.com?

 Recently, I said the easiest way to stop concert bootleggers was for the bands to
release the concerts their own damn selves, making bootleg copies near-worthless.

 Pearl Jam has announced the unprecedented release of 25 different live shows
 from their recent European tour. Eddie Vedder says he's tired of people paying
 top-dollar for poorly-recorded, shitty-sounding copies that are often incomplete.
 "If you're going to hear our mistakes, you might as well hear them clearly."

 The 2-CD sets are selling for only $10.98 if you buy them online.

 Pearl Jam's not my favorite band, but I've always liked them, and I like them more
 since they have taken this step. Live music is so much more real than the sterile,
 perfect versions put out by record companies. The feedback from the live audience
 pushes the band farther into the music than they can reach in the studio.

 A shot of Herradura Anejo for the Pearl Jam boys.

 Jon Benet Ramsey - still in the news.

 Her guilty mother is on the front page of USA Today saying,
 "If you think I did it, let's have a trial and get it over with."

 Remember Polly Klass?
 When she was kidnapped, authorities rightfully considered her father
 as a suspect, so what did he do?

 He said,
 "I'll take a polygraph.   I'll do anything.
  I'll stand on a table naked  if it would help you to
  eliminate me as a suspect so you can go after the real killer."

 But, what did Patsy Ramsey say?

 "I'm sorry, my team of expert lawyers say it would be best
  if I didn't talk to the Boulder Police Department of the FBI."

 Patsy, it's time for you to confess what you know.

 What's Good for the Goose...
     Guest editorial by Cliff Downing

  Click  Here

 Susan Smith Sexes Jail Guard

 COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) - Susan Smith, serving a life sentence for strapping
 her two young sons into the child-restraints in the back seat and rolling the car
 into a lake, apparently has had sex with a guard four times while in prison,
 corrections officials said Wednesday.

 The guard, 50, was suspended and could be fired, a prison spokesman said.

 Smith allegedly had sex with the guard at the Women's Prison in May and June.
 There was no evidence the guard forced her to have sex, officials said.

 Smith's 3-year-old and 14-month-old sons drowned in 1994 after she let her car roll
 into a lake. She claimed at first that the boys had been taken by a black man in a
 carjacking and pleaded on national television for their return.

 Since Carolina is still a hotbed of racism, the "black hijacker" story played well
 with the locals, but police knew she was lying from the very beginning.
 She told the cops this happened while she was stopped at the light, all alone,
 but the light stays green unless someone else is trying to cross.
 The brainless whore started referring to her kids in the past tense, revealing
 that she knew they were deads, not missing or kidnapped.

 Nine days later, when no sign of the boys turned up, she confessed,
 gave authorities the name of the lake, and their bodies were found.

 This is so creepy

 I realize this might make me sound like the vulgar Pigboy, but when the cops were
 looking for those two little boys, I knew she did it. If you remember this case,
 it went on and on, for days and days. The entire country was looking for that car.
 There were helicopters all over Carolina looking for that black Mazda Protege.
 I knew that car was underwater, because getting caught with it could mean the death
 penalty for whatever schmuck was stupid enough to have it in their warehouse or garage.

 So now, Susan Smith is having sex?

 ...and what if she's pregnant?

 From: Better make this anonymous

 Subject: Democrats

 >But the fact is, the courts have a lot more to say about First Amendment
 >issues than the executive branch, and I have more confidence that Gore
 >will appoint moderates to the court, than Bush.

 So that's what it comes down to? We're voting for the hope of a decent
 Supreme Court but we're calling it a presidential election? I think Gore will
 PROBABLY appoint moderate Supreme Court justices (although I question his
 ability to choose decent people and one need only look at the 2 pieces of
 crap he picked as a wife and a running mate to get a chill and some tough
 questions) but I'm not sure his appointments will really be any good.

 I know Bush's will be awful, probably worse, I guess. I can't remember ever
 having a choice between a really bad Democratic ticket and an even worse
 Republican ticket. Fucking Lieberman shouldn't be in political office;
 he should be in an insane asylum or in a snake-handlers' association.

 ha ha

 I just can't believe I'm going to pull the lever for this shitty ticket.

 Get Ready for a Wild Ride

 ha ha
 Al looks really worried about his race.

 Full  Story

 As Labor Day approaches, Smirk is in an unaccustomed, uncomfortable new place:
 the fight of his life. A week after Al Gores Im My Own Man roll out in Hollywood,
 the vice president still holds onto a 46-42 lead in the new NEWSWEEK Poll,
 a margin only two points below his post-L.A. high. For now at least,
 Gore has managed to emerge from the shadow of Bill Clinton.

 From: LuckySoNso@aol.com

 Subject: PBS's The Fall of Newt Gingrich

 Thanks for the alert on the PBS program about Newt Gingrich. However, it was
 little more than a Repug political ad. Newt was shown at his very best and Clinton
 at his very worst. Time and time again, the program allowed Gingrich to claim credit
 for balancing the budget, reforming welfare, etc., with no effective rebuttal.

 Time was when PBS was, if not liberal, at least unbiased. The network featured
 mature reporters like Haynes Johnson, Paul Duke, and others. Then the Republican
 Congress began complaining about the liberal media and threatening to cut the funding
 for PBS. Now the network features shallow, cynical talking heads. Think Mara Liason.
 Remember this program when your local PBS station starts begging for your donation.


 Lucky, that's true, but it was damn fun to watch.
 I was having such a giggling fit, Mrs. BartCop asked if I was drinking.
 (I wasn't.)

 Newt kept saying, "We going to pick up 10-40 seats!"

 ha ha

 He repeatedly said the GOP can't figure out what's going on.
 The truth is people didn't want their popular president impeached,
 but instead of facing that fact, Newt kept inventing reasons why the
 public "couldn't grasp" the validity of their precious work

 PBS could've made it a little cleaer than Newt was ordering Hyde to take
 all these unpopular positions. Every time they asked Newt about impeachment,
 he said, "I dunno, go ask Henry." But everybody knew that was a sham.

 The best part of the whole show was that Newt asked the camera crew to
 follow him around and record his "great victory." What they got, however,
 was riviting, behind-the-scenes footage of the GOP hitting the iceberg.

 Do you remember the name Charles Stewart? (I think that's right.)
 Charles Stewart was a scumbag mother-effer who planned to murder his wife.
 This was in Boston, maybe around 1994. This scumbag drives his pregnant (?) wife
 somewhere and shoots her in the car, then shoots himself to make it look like a
 botched robbery, then hands his gun to his brother who's standing outside the car.

 What he didn't know was William Shatner and his "Dial 911" whatever-show was
 filming in Boston and was on-call with the paramedics.

 ha ha

 This scumbag is right in the middle of  his wife's murder, and Captain Kirk shows up
 full camera crew and films every detail of this robbery-murder gone to shit. When his
 story fell apart, the brother confessed and Chuckie jumped into Boston Harbor.

 That's one of the best tapes in the BartCop Collection.
 Last night's show reminded me of that tape.

 Laura = Total Idiot

 First few minutes of today's broadcast (1-day delay) the idiot is talking
 about Siamese twins, and the doctors' decision to split them, killing one,
 because the second one had no lungs. The doctors were being criticized
 by someone more stupid than Laura, for their "cavalier disregard" for life
 so Laura asked on the air, "What other choice did the doctors have.?"

 "I'm all for saving one, if that's possible.
  If two little girls were playing with a rope on the beach..."

 (Republicans always screw up these goofy parables.
  Because their positions are such horseshit, when you start drawing
  analogies they always end up getting bitten in the ass)

  "so if two little girls are playing with a rope on the beach, and they become
  entangled in the rope and a shark grabs one girl, sure, it'd be nice to save both
  but I have no doubt I'd cut the rope to save one girl if I had the chance."


  What if a 20-year old pregnant girl is in a car wreck and (insert medical reason here)
   the doctor says they must reduce the pressure on the mother-to-be's heart
  by performing what the screaming-meemies call a "partial-birth abortion,"


  then that spread-legged idiot wants BOTH people to die.

  Laura, Steve Largent and the vulgar Pigboy would all burst through the operating room
  doors and demand that the doctor be arrested on a murder complaint for saving the woman's life,
  which proves that saving a little girl from being eaten by a shark is noble and good,
  but a doctor performing life-saving surgery is an unspeakable crime.

  Shark attack = good
  Emergency surgery = bad


  Logical people know why the religio-wackos must be kept away from government.
  When religious faith replaces logic, people make idiotic decisions.
  They don't have the slightest clue what they're talking about,  which is pretty clear
  in the swear-to-Koresh true story you've just read, yet they still want to drive the bus
  when they know they don't have a goddamn clue of how to make life-and-death decisions.

  Laura, you're one of the least-intelligent prostitutes I've ever heard of.

 Texas judge drops bombshell on Smirk
   Ruling stirs up political pot

 Full  Story

 AUSTIN -- In Houston, it took more than a year for a disabled
 youth to replace the wheelchair he had outgrown. In Dallas, the
 shortage of dentists serving the poor is so severe that only patients
 with rotten teeth get prompt attention. In the Panhandle, migrant
 workers often go unaware of their eligibility for free health care.

 ...so the judge dropped a bomb on young Governor Smirk.

 From: christian06@earthlink.net

 Subject: Dubya's Drunken Wedding Video


 At first I didn't think he was drunk, but after reading what you said about
 his repeated phrases and etc., I went back and watched the video again, and I
 agree: He is probably a little drunk.

 But here's the thing. It distresses me that the debate has to be on this level.
 I'm not mad at US, I'm mad at THEM. You know who I mean. The GOP and
 the press and everybody else who refuses to discuss the real problem with W.

 George W. Bush is a chronic underachiever who is simply unqualified to be the
 President of the United States.


 What they should do is just admit he's still drinking,
 and tell us he's OK when he wakes up the next day.

 Otherwise, they're stuck with Buffoon-boy  24/7.

 Love (?) is in the air
 GOP pro-impeachment horndogs marry their homewreckers as
 Larry Flynt says he's going to expose part of Dubya's own secret love life
 By Tamara Baker

 SAINT PAUL, Minnesota, Aug. 22 --  Ah, wedding bells
 are in the air this week for the Republican adulterous defenders of morality.

 Newt Gingrich, having shed himself of the woman for whom
 he divorced his first wife while said Wife #1 was in a hospital
 bed recovering from cancer surgery, has just wed Wife #3,
 Callista Bisek, the woman for whom he left Wife #2, Marianne.
 The happy couple is registered at Williams-Sonoma,
 if you care to send them a gift.

 Meanwhile, Tim Hutchinson, GOP Senator from Arkansas --
 who, by the way, is also a Baptist minister -- is making it
 legal with his own former staffer, Randi Fredholm. The news
 of their longtime affair hit last year, just a few weeks before
 news of the Reverend Tim's divorce hit the papers. Now,
 don't Baptist ministers like the reverend normally oppose
 divorce, much less adultery? And conservative Christians like
 him are usually the first to tsk-tsk over America's divorce rates.
 Here's what Max Brantley of the Arkansas Times has to say
 about the Reverend Tim's marrying the woman for whom he left his wife:

 Sen. Tim Hutchinson.
 Divorced a year -- as if that sanitizes things -- he plans to marry a former staff member.

 Idle questions:
 Did his D.C. roommate, Bro. Asa, know about Bro.Tim's squeeze when he was
 piously prosecuting the president? Did Bro. Tim dishonor his public office with
 an intimate relationship with a young subordinate?

 No matter the answers. Hutchinson can stay in office and let voters decide his
 suitability to serve. I'd just reverently suggest this to the former Baptist reverend:
 The next time you get the urge to pontificate about family values? Put a sock in it.

 Meanwhile, in that same issue of the Arkansas Times, we
 find John Brummett, late of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
 (until the game-playing being done by the arch-conservative
 Friends of Kenny running the paper got to be too much for
 him), taking about Senator Hutchinson's political future.

 Mr. Brummett thinks that the Reverend Tim, aware that his
 hypocrisy, both as a politician and a man of the cloth, might
 have tanked his chances for reelection, may decide,
 Giuliani-like, to suddenly quit the race in favor of letting his
 brother, House Manager Asa Hutchinson, get a shot at being
 promoted to the Senate. The Arkansas Republicans are
 denying these rumors, and the Reverend Tim is still out there
 raising money for his candidacy, but I seem to recall that
 Rudy the G. was fundraising right up to the second he
 announced his withdrawal from the New York Senate race,
 so that's neither here nor there.

 Such shocking behavior! No wonder George W. Bush, who so desperately
 wants to "restore honor and dignity to the White House", has been distancing
 himself from his House and Senate brethren.
 After all, he says he's always been faithful to his wife Laura.

 Except that, if what Larry Flynt was hinting at during an appearance on
 LA radio station KROQ  http://www.kroq.com/home.html  is true,
 then Dubya may have more in common with Newt and the Reverend Tim
 than he's willing to admit.

 Larry said he has to get clearance from his lawyers and with the source of his
 latest world-shaker before he can come fully clean on it, but he strongly hinted
 that Dubya not only has at least one adulterous affair in his past, but that the affair
 resulted in an unwanted pregnancy - which was aborted.

Will the Angel of Political Death do to George W. Bush what
 he did to Gingrich and Livingston?

 Stay tuned.

 The Fall of Newt Gingrich - ha ha - It was good.

 August 30, 2000

 From: upchurch@freedem.com

 Subject: rush and friends

 I've been listening to el pigbo's replacements this week and have
 come to the following conclusion. Rush and all of his replacement
 aholes sound like High Pitch Eric on the Stern show.

 So the reason they are pissed off all the time must be that
 their testicles never decended.

 Just a thought


 ha ha

 But that gives me an opportunity, while I'm thinking about it,
 to plant this idea in your head:

 Notice how boring Tony Snow and Wayne Williams are?
 They may be conservatives, but they don't have that, ...Nazi hate!
 If one of them inherited the Mighty EIB chair, it would die in a year.
 But Sean Hannity - this man has the talent.
 He ...could ...go ...all ...the ...way!

 He's Rush - The Next Generation.
 Just like with Rush,
 you can search entire towns and not find a prick as big as Hannity.
 The job of the host is to make the other side go crazy with rage, and to stretch
 a morsel of a minor Democratic misdemeanor into a mountain of outrage,
 while ignoring the Texas-sized felonies on the Republican side of the aisle.

 Kinda like with Papax7 and sex crimes.

 But Hannity is waiting in the wings to take over the urine-colored microphone
 after Rush has an on-air stroke and dies going into a Damp-Rid commercial.

 Hannity starts sub-duty for Rush either Thursday or Friday.
 Listen how much deeper his cheap-shots cut than the other two.

 Check out that Limba-patented smirk of superiority when me mentions
 his disgust with poor, the sick and the old.  Check out how pleased he is with himself
 when he ambushes some caller and then bullies him with the caller's volume turned down.

 Check out the joy in his voice when he twists the knife of "unfairity."  (Homage to Smirk)

 Yeah, check out the EIB blowtorch the next two days.
 It's the future of fascist America, on preview now.

 Paul Begala Shoots the Bull

 I Am Not Making This Up:

 The Everett (Washington) Daily Herald reports that radio fatboy Rush "Lardbutt" Limbaugh
 waddled out to Washington State to join fellow glutton Bill Bennett in endorsing former
 radio talk show host John Carlson for governor.

 (Ediotr's Note: These are Paul's words - I haven't touched them)

According to the Daily Herald, organizers said about 40,000 GOPers attended
 and 45,000 meals were served.

 Hmmm...40,000 attendees, but 45,000 meals?
 Looks like somebody was going back for seconds, doesn't it boys?

 ha ha

 Papax7's Warning to His Flock

 Last issue I urged you to visit my token lunylib cyberbuddy bartcop and check out
 his latest ramblings. I got caught up on my reading and I was forced to give him
 another dairy aire kicking.

 (There's a thing called the Eighth Commandment, Papa...)

 I dont know yet whether he will get around to actually reading my replies,
 but maybe you could also help me keep him honest, or at least as honest
 as any lunylib demo can be.

 My policy of not linking to non family friendly sites forbids me from putting up
 a direct link to his site, but his name is bartcop and he has his own www. .com.

 Oh, please!
 Your readers are too fragile to read  bartcop.com?
 Papa, you're acting like a prophylactic between the truth and your readers.

 Tell me, do they hold jobs in the real world?
 Do they go to Bruce Willis or Arnold Blackplowman movies?
 If they do, they've heard a lot of "fucks."

 ...but they need to be protected from  bartcop.com?

 Papa, you have the same faith in your readers that the leaders of North Korea,
 Iran and Afghanistan have in their citizens.  You're afraid of the truth.

 I wouldn't warn my readers about visiting your site,
 assuming they'd like to read page after page of RNC-faxed propaganda.

 In the next Papax7 e-mail, he says, "This will be my last rebuttal for a while."
 He attached a file called "bartfart.doc"

 Classy move, Papa.

 Is that what Jesus would've called it?
 Let me guess - you're forgiven, not perfect, isn't that the line?

 Besides telling people that you were insane,
 have I ever stooped to trading personal attacks with you?

 You can't think you'd have an edge in that fight....

 Here's Papax7's classy rebuttal.

 Papax7 Defends Forced Prayer

 > BartCop said:
 > Why don't you whip your Bible out when you're alone?

 > Oh, that's right.
 > You want to be seen praying.

 > The prayers mean nothing in and of themselves, it's being seen praying that
 > gives them that special thrill. That's why they want to pray in schools and
 > football games and every other damn place - so other people can watch them.

 Papax7 says:
 When those of us who believe that we should be able to pray before a football game,
 or meet before or after school to pray, don't want to "pray so as to be seen."
 I don't know how many of these I have to write before you acknowledge me.
 But I will keep it up when I get the chance.

 Papa, that's not much of an answer.
 I accused you of wanting to be seen praying, and your reply was a boat-load
 of Bible quotes and one sentence that basically says, "Do not."

 So, I'm supposed to answer that with, "Do, too?"
 The next time you comment on something I've said,
 do me a favor and comment on something I've said.
 Why do you hide behind the words of others?
 Is that why you're such a big Rush fan?
 Because you don't have to think, you merely have to quote?

 (I'm going diving for more Papax7 Mail)

 From:  cross@vassar.edu

 Subject: Bush wedding tape

 I may agree with you on a lot of things, but not on the Bush wedding tape,
 which I just reviewed.  He seems alert and in full control of what he is saying,
 which in this context is a humorous "toast" of some of his friends in a parody of
 a political interview.  On the contrary, the tape makes him look quite good,
 since he is engaging, witty and charming in a juvenile, frat-boy kind of way.
 The contrast to his usual inabilty to say anything coherent about foreign policy
 or his tax proposal should be quite informative: he is a "great guy" and an
 accomplished back-slapper, but for my money not able to handle the
 intricacies and difficult decisions required of a president.

 To date the video you would just have to find out when these people were
 married, by the way, but I wouldn't bother.  There is no "smoking gun"
 there in my opinion and making this tape seem to be more than it is will
 only help Bush out.



 It's not important that we agree on this point, but let me say this:
 For three years in K-Drag, my name was on the liquor license at my bars..
 In Oklahoma, it's illegal to be drunk in a bar. (Go figure)
 That meant if the police came in and disagreed with my opinion of
 who was too drunk - I, your ediotr, went to jail.

 That doesn't mean I can't be wrong, but it means for over 1,000 nights I had
 to observe people and see if they were drunk enough to attact the suspicions
 of a cop. Being able to tell who was drunk was a skill I had to learn to avoid jail,
 so I got very good very fast. By now, we've all seen Smirk in interviews and giving
 speeches to where we recognize his speech patterns. On that tape, he's not thinking,
 he's reacting to things being said by people around him.

 Remember, it's more fun getting drunk than being drunk.
 I'm saying Smirk is in that "sweet spot" where he can feel the alcohol
 elevating his mood, but he's not yet drunk.  There's no need for me to repeat
 the reasons why I think so, but why do you think this tape is causing
 so much commotion? It's because he seems drunk to a lot of people.

 By the way, the tape was made in 1992, according to never-lies Fox News.

 If you get a chance, read the story on 3D in today's USA Today which tells
 how maddening it is to deal with Mindspring and any of the Bell telephones.

 The guy lists 19 stages he's gone thru trying to get Mindspring and Bell to pull
 their heads out of their ass and install his DSL, and he still has no DSL.

 Swear to Koresh, this has happened to every person I've talked to.
 I had a lot of trouble, too, but I bark louder than some and it was worth their
 while to take care of the troublesome asshole than the quiet, polite guy.

 When the idiot from SW Bell showed up, you could tell he'd never been in
 a computer before. He told me he was a Glen Campbell-type lineman, and they
 put him on computer modem installation when their orders got backed up.

 He asked me what I knew about the inside of my computer.
 I told him all I knew was that the computer was a magic box that delivered
 girlie pictures you can't buy at Barnes & Noble.

 He fiddled with it for a while, then re-assembled it and got nothing.
 No picture - nothing - but we did hear three beeps each time he tried.
 I called the smartest tech in the world, the dude from slightshadows.com
 (He's the guy at the stripper's convention right now in Vegas)
 and he told me three beeps means the video card was knocked loose.

 So Cousin Eb takes my computer back apart and reconnects my video card.
 While he was working on it, something else came up and he asked me to call
 my friend back and get more information and I thought, "This idiot works for
 a multi-billion-dollar international comglomerate and he doesn't have a goddamn
 clue what he's doing inside my computer."    That's exactly what I thought.

 The dude who wrote the article has two names for DSL, "Doesn't Seem Likely"
 and "Digital Slow Lane," and I see his point. But, as always, men and their
 unreasonable, insatiable desire for sex is driving this techno-revolution.
 The reason they have every pole climber in North America installing DSL
 is because men want their girlie pictures and they want them now.

 When you finally get your DSL, lots of things happen.
 Suddenly, no file is too big for you.
 I downloaded the newest Netscape (18 Meg) in about three minutes, maybe 3.5.
 That's faster than Monica on a first date.

 Once you have DSL, you need a hard-drive the sixe of the hole in Smirk's head
 or a CD Writer. I chose the latter. Once you have a CD Writer, you can download
 an eternity of music, pictures, movies, text - anything.

 The last 30 days or so I've been loading up on Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks,
 Lenny Bruce, Sam Kinison, endless hours of all of them to take on our lil'
 vacation that starts this weekend. (Yes, the treehouse will be dark!)
 I put all these MP3's on CD, and I'm going to take my credit card to Circuit City
 and buy an MP3 CD Player for about $200.  If it fails to perform up to my
 high expectations, I will return it after the vacation.

 But another thing you can do with DSL is cruise the newsgroups for movies.
 They have all kinds of movies.
 I'll bet you didn't know I was the Video King of the Internet back in 1995.

 As my previous testimony will corrobberate, I have a world-class audio and
 video collection. In 1995, I bought a "Video Blaster" from those incompetent fools
 at Creative Labs in Stillwater Oklahoma, the guys who made the original "Sound Blasters."
 I was putting rare concert shorts on  alt.binaries.pictures.multimedia  whatever.

 The reaction was enormous.
 I got e-mail from all over the world asking me how to de-code the movie shorts.
 They could hear this rare concert footage, but couldn't see them because this was
 cutting-edge stuff at the time and nobody knew what driver they needed to see the concerts.

 Remember, I was the only one on the Internet at the time doing this.
 Sure, other people were putting absolute shit on the Internet, stuff like a 7-Up
 commercial and idiotic crap that nobody would ever want to download unless it was for
 the thrill of actually getting video over the Internet. It was brand-new and unheard of
 at the time, so some people were downloading crap just to witness the revolution.

 So, instead of putting up crap, I started putting up these concert samples and the people
 were responding to it like crazy.  So I called Creative Labs in Stillwater, OK and told them
 I was flooded with inquiries about how to view the audio/video their product produced
 and the sons-of-bitches wouldn't even talk to me.

 I told them if they would just give me 30 seconds of their time, I could get this video
 revolution going on the Internet and they might sell a whole lot more product,
 but noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

 Why in the world would Creative Labs want to expand their sales?

 I was a pain-in-the-ass, taking up valuable bandwidth with my e-mails asking them
 to help me help the rest of the world see what I was doing with their product.


 So, like a lot of things that happen to me, when I got sick of reading e-mails
 saying "I can't see your video" I stopped uploading.

 Now, ...I only half-seriously claim to be the big leader in the Internet video revolution,
 but in 1995, I was the only person putting non-porn live video on the multimedia newsgroups.
 How do I know?


 There was nobody else on alt.binaries.pictures.multimedia putting up anything
 that anybody would want to download besides Ol' BartCop.

 Have you ever heard of Creative Labs?
 They were hueueueueuege 5 years ago, when speakers were something most people
 didn't have on their computer. If you've never heard of Creative Labs, there's a chance
 they could've been a major player in today's mega-trillion dollar Internet gold mine,
 but they didn't want to answer e-mail or phone calls from a Founding Father.
 Of course, their being in Oklahoma explains a lot...

 Why do I bring all this up?
 They pissed me off - delaying that revolution, and I hope they see their name here and kick
 themselves in the ass real hard. If they had spent 30-seconds telling me how to instruct others
 to get this missing driver, others would've bought Video Blasters and there would've
 been competition on the Internet to see who had the best concerts and this DSL-fueled
 video revolution could've been in it's sixth year, instead of just beginning.

 A shot of Jose Cuervo Gold for Creative Labs of Stillwater, Oklahoma.

 From: cocosa8@racsa.co.cr

 Subject: No way

 ok, I saw it with sound.
 No way, dude.  he's not drunk; he's just GWB.
 don't embarrass yourself or your nice web show.
 I like the show.
 Keep it going.
 And stop those weird fisting references.

 Koresh ! (I really like that...never seen that before)!
 Permit me to copy that.
 I'll be sending you some cartoons Socio-politico cartoons in Spanish.
 maybe you can expand your audience.



 So, it's your opinion he's not drunk?
 All the signs are there, but if you saw it with sound, ...well, ...then OK!

 Thanks for the advice on how to not embarrass myself.
 Are you related to that dude at dailybrew?

 Great Smirk Quotes

 "Mr. Bush feels the upcoming debates should be more of a discussion
  and less trying to be a gotcha format,"  a Bush campaign official said.

 ha ha

 I guess so!
 Koresh forbid, Smirk gets put on-the-spot and has to make a decision
 without Daddy's old White House team there to recommend the best options.

 From: Mshotz@aol.com

 Subject: Re: War Needed?

 > From: Aspeac@aol.com

 > Subject: war is in need

 > What the U.S. needs is a good war to weed out liberal candy asses
 > like the people who put this site togather. If you really give a damn
 > about this nation you would crawl back under your rock
 > with the rest of your pointy head butt wipes

 Yea! Lets have a war so those Pointy Headed Draft Dodgers who
 avoided military service in the 60's can find out what they missed!

 ha ha

 They include: Bush, Jr., Cheney, Newt, Bob Barr, Pete "My Grand Father tried
 to start a military coup in the US in the 1930's" DuPont, Rush Lardbutt, and
 all the rest of these GOP zieg heil Natzi's who conveniently avoided or forgot
 to serve their Country but still spent the nation into near bankruptcy buying
 worthless weapons like the B-1 (over 55% non-availiblity, 1/2 its life
 grounded for safety defects!)!

 Maybe if they were stuck ass-deep in the cold mud with old worn out equpment
 because the Star Wars defense system is eating up all the money for Military
 Modernization they would have a better attitude!

 Mark Shotzberger

 CPT, USAR, Ret.

 Texas Officials Cite Global Warming Problems
  More Trouble for Smirk

 Texas' three natural resource commissioners, all Smirk appointees,
 said that global warming was a serious problem and that the state
 would explore ways to cut emissions of heat-trapping greenhouse gases.

 Full Story

 The Democratic Party apologized to the city of Los Angeles today
 for the Demo-Con 2000 convention running so far behind.

 They said they only had 6 more speakers to go and they would
 certainly have the Staples Center back to the city by the weekend.

 ...and now, a word from our sponsor.

 Hi, I'm Rudy from Survivor and I need to ask the guys a question.
 You see this girl here? Ain't she pretty?

 Her name is Britney Sears, or something like that.
 Would you like to get in her jeans?
 Huh, would ya?
 I'll tell you - about 45 years ago I would've ....

 How about this next girl Jennifer Hewitt?

 Holy cow!
 That girl ain't got no shirt on.
 Ain't she that girl we saw on that one movie last year?
 Those sure are some nice jeans, don't you think?
 Yep, those jeans would be a lot of fun to get into.
 I'll tell ya, my old Navy Seal buddies would know just what....

 Uh, nevermind...

 We also have, ...hey, no shit?
 Faith Hill?

 That's my kinda girl - Faith Hill!
 Boy, Oh Boy, look at those jeans she's wearing!

 Me and the wife listen to her all the time on the Bose.
 She's really something, I'd sure like a shot at her.
 Shit, I'd do another month on that island to get in her jeans.

 ...we got one more it says, .....Jodi Foster!

 Well, hell!
 She ain't got no shirt on either.
 These Hollywood women seem like they're always taking something off.
 But check out these jeans she's wearing.

 Pretty nice, huh?
 Wouldn't you like to get in those jeans, guys?
 And from what that fellow Rich told me, maybe you girls
 might like to know what it's like getting in them jeans, too.

 But you know, I'm here for a good cause.
 I'm trying to help Multiple Sclerosis make a little money,
 cause those kids, they need the money, so here's what we're doing.

 If you click on that button below, ...hell I don't know which button,
 I don't know how these damn computers work, but click on that button
 and it'll take you to the Multiple Sclerosis web page where you can bid
 on the jeans of these four women you've just seen pictures of.

 That's right, you can buy their "well-worn" jeans to take home with you.
 Wouldn't that be a good deal for you?

 Imagine if you had documentation to prove that those were Britney Sear's pants
 draped over your bedpost at the house, and if your poker-playin' buddies
 want to know how they got there you ...just ...be a gentlemen and tell them
 you ain't telling no tales and it'll drive 'em crazy, ...haw haw!

 Boy, she's a cute little girl isn't she?
 How old is she?

 Anyway, that's something to think about.
 Britney Sear's pants  ...in your house  ...and you're all alone.
 No, let's not go there. I saw enough of that crap back on Survivor Island.

 So spend the money, get in their jeans, and remember, if you do get lucky,
 it probably won't be with one of these dames, but if you do,
 be sure you have some Trojan Condoms with you.

 This is Rudy from Survivor saying ...So Long.

 Full  Story

 Click  Here  to get in their jeans.

  This offer expires Sept 10.

 Sponsored by the Trojan Condom Company

 Great Demo Quotes

"George W. Bush's ideal debate would take place on a local cable access
 channel in Austin during the Olympic finals of the women's gymnastic contest."
             --Gore spokesman, Chris Lehane

 Read  Previous Issue

 Go to  bartcop.com


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