Volume 262 - Trail Riders

 Trip Report Part II

 We'd just finished the train - "the Georgetown Loop."
 I know that sounds like a blow job Clinton got at college, but that's its name.

 Click  Here  to hear the train, one more time.
 What could be cooler than the echo of a steam train whistle in a canyon?
 Well, lots of things, actually - but this is pretty cool.

 We drove north, past the "Elk Jerky" roadside stands.
 I'll tell you, you don't know good eatin' until you've chewed
 on a strip of dried forehead from a 1500-pound bull-moose elk.

 We drove and drove until it started to get dark.
 We landed in Granby, Colorado.

 Looking for a cheap-ass motel, hopefully one owned by Indians.
 (They always put "American Owned" in their windows.
  When you smell the curry, you know you're in for a cheap night.)

 Then I saw it.

 Isn't that the gayest sign you ever saw?
 Is that lil' guy headed for a Dude Ranch, or what?

 ha ha

 It's the Trail Riders Motel in Granby, Colorado.
 We drove around it once or twice, to be sure straight people were allowed.
 For $39, you can't beat it.

 Parking was tight, so I asked Mrs. BC to get out and guide me as I
 backed into the too-small parking space the motel almost provided.

 Guess what?

 I didn't hear her say "STOP!" but the shreik she let out after the crash
 woke the dead in goddamn Gunnison, which is three counties away.

 The Indian lady came out screaming in that funny language.
 Hell, she already had my credit card - so I chose to plead guilty.
 She said "That's why we prefer you park head-first," as tho there was
 a goddamn sign telling stupid drivers like me to park head first.

 Geez, if I owned a gay hotel, I'd install curb feelers, for chrissakes.

 She said she thought the damages might run as high as $15.
 I gave her a $20, told her to keep the change.
 Anytime you fuck up and get a chance to get out for $20 - I say take it!
 You know, I never had troubles like this when I drank too much.

 It was Monday so we settled in for the big MNF game.
 I know some people don't like Dennis Miller, but just last Saturday, waiting for
 John Madden's game to come on, whoever the announcers were for the NOON
 game were so goddamn stupid they made me sound like Dennis Miller.

 Sometimes I don't get Dennis Miller because he goes over my head.
 These guys were so goddamn stupid, I couldn't understand them
 because MY brain was too-highly developed. Each time I hear a moron say
 "the losing team needs to score more points," I just wanna fucking hurl

 Last week's MNF game was great.
 The Rams are fun as hell to watch.

 Now, everybody knows more about football than me - even Smirk,
 but I've heard people say a defense needs to rest now and then.
 Warner and his fleet-footed homeboys are too damn fast for their own good.
 At one point, Warner threw three CONSECUTIVE touchdown passes for
 79, 83 and 87 yards.  The poor defense doesn't even get to finish a Dixie cup
 of Gatorade before they're back on the damn field, huffing and puffing.

 Memo to Kurt:
 Take a knee now & then and let your defense have 30 seconds, OK?

 Miller had a GREAT line after Marshall Faulk scored a touchdown:

 Everybody's so worried about me using the "F," word,
 but all I can say at this moment is "Faulk!"

 ha ha

 Koresh, I wish I could write that good.

 The next day, we took the back entrance into Rocky Mountain Park.
 (An homage to our gay brothers out there.)

 Just this once, Mrs BC agreed to drive in the high altitudes.
 The reason?

 My dedication to the ongoing research into the effects of fine alcohol.
 Specifically, the effects of fine, luxury tequila at high altitudes.
 (Hey!  Don't laugh, this is important research.)

 You haven't seen anything until you see the effects of Chinaco at 7500 feet.
 Remember, it's not about getting drunk.
 I don't get drunk - I enjoy the ceremonial aspects of fine tequila.

 And don't think I made that shit up, either.
 History is full of the ceremonial role alcohol has played.
 Why, 2000 years before I was born, Jesus created alcohol out of thin air.
 (Praise His Glory!)

 Hell, it was the first miracle he ever performed.
 Matter of fact, didn't he sass his mother a little bit?
 This is the way the nuns told the story:
 Mary came to Him and said, "They drank all the liquor - they're out."
 and Jesus said, "You talkin' to me?"

 Mary repeated her question, and Jesus said, "You talkin' to me?"
 Finally, He said, "What do you want me to do about that, woman?"

 It's hard to tell about those nuns, they told so many wild stories...
 Maybe Father Dan will write in with clarification.

 So we proceeded thru the park.

 Climbing, climbing, higher and higher.
 To simulate labratory conditions, I did a shot for every 500 feet of altitude we climbed.
 No sense in doing this important research if labratory conditions can't be duplicated, right?

 It's hard to pinpoint when it happened, but the trees started getting taller.
 Traffic and my brain were getting as thin as the air.

 Another 2,000 feet - that meant another four shots.

 Hooo, boy!
 Look at that sucker!
 In less than an hour, we'll be ON TOP of that bad boy!
 Good thing I had two bottles with me.

 One can never be too prepared while doing important research.

 Now, my memories get a little foggy here, and my handwriting
 in my Santa Fe Hemp notebook gets a little hard to read, too.
 I know we stopped at this beautiful lake, I know we did,
 but I can't remember why - or what we did there.

 I remember getting out of the car, I remember walking the 50 feet to this
 fucking gorgeous mountain lake with water more blew than Monica, ha ha
 But I can't remember - my mind became foggy - for some reason.

 Perhaps it was that important hemp research - ha ha

 We kept driving, higher and higher, and I dutifully did my shots for each 500 feet.
  I forgot that these mountains get to 14,000 feet, and we were still climbing.

 Christ, at this point, we were so high, even the trees said, "Fuck it."
 They can't breathe at this altitude any easier than I can.

 Here we are at the top of the Rocky Mountain range.
 I pissed Mrs BC off when I stuck my head out of the window and yelled,
 "Made it Ma - Top of the World!"

 Damn, that was a great movie.

 You see this shot?
 Can you see those poles?
 Using my engine-ooity, I figured out what those poles are for.

 In April, when the dozers come to dig the road out from the snow, they look for
 those poles sticking out so they don't drive off the cliff and fall two damn miles.
 That's how high we were - so high that it would snow 12-15 feet.

 ha ha

 I continued to reap benefits from the low temperatures.
 Remember, it was 108 the day before we left K-Drag, Oklahoma.
 And now we were surrounded by snow warnings.

 For some damn reason, the road continued to take us higher.
 I shouted "Top of the world" waaaaaay too early.

 That mountain to the right?
 It's about 14,000 feet, and we're climbing higher and higher.
 I'll tell you, this trip is one I'll never forget.
 At about 10,00 feet I started seeing things.
 By the time we reached the top, well, let's just say I had no business
 operating a pen in the sorry-ass condition I was in.

 I wasn't sure if this was a Chinaco hallucination or if it was real,
 but Mrs. BartCop saw it too, and she was driving, so I'll bet it was real.

 This is a hawk or an eagle - and he's just hovering.
 The wind was so strong and constant, the hawk just stayed in one spot.
 (I have this on video if I ever figure that technology out.)

 For ten seconds or longer, this lil' guy just stayed there, frozen in the air.
 I'll bet that's fun as hell - being a cold-blooded bird, flying around the best
 national parks, just riding wind currents and getting laid.

 As much fun as we were having, we knew we had to head down the mountain.
 Can you see the road we're taking on the left?


 Here we are a few minutes later, looking down on glaciers.
 I guess I've been higher than this before, yeah, I remember now,
 and all three times Jimmy Page was in the house !

 ha ha

 Boy, if I could tell you the truth about those days,
 but my very Catholic sister knows about my dot.com, so we'll have to figure out
 some code words to use for "LSD," and "quaaludes" and stuff like that.

 You know, I was the smartest kid in my school until I ate LSD.
 Some people think I was affected by it, but I don't think that was it.

 that was it.
 that was it.
 that was it.
 that was it.

 ha ha

 Just kidding, Sis!


 Sorry, I just fell off my chair.
 I was fast-forwarding the camcorder.
 Taking those mountain curves at 10x regular speed is a bitch!

 We're back down to about 10,000 feet here.
 I sure am glad I wasn't doing a shot for every 500 feet we descended.

 But you know what?
 As we got farther down the mountain, I started to sober up!
 I've been to a few parties, shall we say, but I've never had the sensation
 of very rapidly sobering up.
 It was kinda cool!
 I was getting smarter and sharper every few minutes.

 It was so strange. Every sentence out of my mouth made more sense
 than the previous entence. That's never happened before, either.
 After another few minutes, I felt so good, I took the wheel!

 ha ha

 That's my Chinaco!
 Once we got out of the clouds, the usual, subtle effects of the Chinaco
 chased away those dizzy-demons and I felt like a million damn dollars.

 Just in time, too.

 We were approaching the wildlife area.
 I knew I was going to need all my powers and all my skills to drive,
 search for wildlife, and operate the digital cam-corder all at the same time.

 Wait - what's that?
 Do you see something?

 Over there!

 What is it?
 Can you tell?

 It's a big mother, whatever it is.
 This shot is with the super 86x digital lens.
 That damn thing's a half-mile away, and it's still big.
 It's bigger than a horse, it's bigger than a cow.
 But what the hell is it?

 Is this it?

 Here we are on vacation in beautiful Rocky Mountain Park,
 and the only wildlife we can see is about a half-mile away?

 Is this the closest we'll get to see wildlife?

 ha ha

 I'm F-ing with you.

 Remember, I've already seen this movie.
 Matter of fact, I produced and directed this film,
 and I did it on some wild alcohol/altitude/fog jag,
 but I know how it ends.

 ha ha

 All my movies have good endings.

 Matter of fact, if you're at your computer around 10-midnight tonight,
 check in and watch the movie as it goes up, live.

 Tune in Tuesday night for ...dah ...dah ...dahhhhh...

 The Final Chapter!

 Have you ever wondered what  bartcop.com  would look like
 if I had an I.Q.  higher than 64 and paid attention in school?

 The Gathering Darkness

 Click  Here

 From: kataghaway@cs.com

 Subject: THANK THE GODDESS!!!!!!!!!

 Glad you had a fun trip.

 I sure hope you don't have enough vacation/comp/personal/annual/sick leave
 to take another until November 8th.....

 I have buckets of goodwill for you and I am very grateful but
 puhleeeeeeeeeeze don't take more than a short weekend before the 7th -- I begofya!


 ha ha

 The next scheduled trip is the Gore Victory party in Las Vegas on Thanksgiving.


 I just found the mother of all news links.


 Thanks to Carmen.

 Can you help an old alter boy out?

 Somehow, that Love Story piece (below) got cut,
 and the source must've been uncrtedited.
 I've had several requests for the attribution.
 Anyone know where it came from?

 Is Smirk Dyslexic?

 Click  Here

 Drudge is Reporting This



 Toward the end of a 30-second commercial against Al Gore, which was produced for the Republican
 National Committee but approved by the Bush campaign, fragments of words dance around the edges
 of the screen, the NEW YORK TIMES is planning to report on Tuesday.

 But the only full word that pops up -- right after Gore's face appears -- is ``RATS,''
 for about three frames.

 Republican and Democratic admakers who were told of the commercial, as well as several
 independent academics, agreed that the message appeared to be part of a subliminal effort to
 discredit Gore and his prescription drug program.

 "They said it was similar to the attempts decades ago by movie theaters to flash images of
 popcorn on the screen to entice audiences to buy more popcorn. Frame grabs from the video
 sequence just before and after the word appears," reports the TIMES.

 Ask BartCop

 From: sabutai@ix.netcom.com

 Subject: How Ann Coulter became Ann Coulter

 BARTCOP: Help me out, old friend.

 I'm doing some research for an article on Ann Coulter, the Twiggy of the Radical Right.
 It seems that she has had her head in more laps than a napkin.

 Can you confirm this for me?


 Dear Sabutai,

 She's not very good, either.


 Trying to Catch Up

 Novak Reports "Undeniable Panic" in GOP
 Republican morale is drooping

 Click  Here

 Rush attacks Susan Sarandon
   Follow up

 From: The Vulgar Pigboy's Web Page

 Blood on Bush's hands?
 You need to look closer to home, madam.

 You're an anti-war zealot, right? And while we're at it, you're pro-abortion, aren't you?
 So why don't you have any concern for the innocent killed in other nations, or the
 innocent unborn killed here? Why is your compassion solely reserved for those most
 hardened of criminals convicted under the rule of law in Texas?

 So, Rush just said Smirk's Mommy has no concern for the innocent unborn.
 Isn't that a terrible thing to say about Smirk's Mommy?

 And whatever was done to the "innocent" people in Sudan, it was carried out
 by the American military. I can't give you the precise linkage, but Clinton told
 the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs to handle the Sudan raid.

 The Chairman would've told somebody, maybe the Commander of the Navy,
 who would've relayed a message to the captain of the ship who commanded the
 battle group of ships that launched the cruise missles, so when Pigboy accuses
 Clinton, he's accusing our soldiers in the field and I don't like that.

 But when Smirk has somebody murdered, he giggles about it, makes jokes,
 does impressions of the about-to-be killed, then, after he does all that, he wipes
 his hands clean and says he has "no way" to influence the men he APPOINTED
 to the pardon and parole board in Texas, the goddamn, clumsy liar.

 ..and here's a pop quiz for you all:

 Has the state of Texas murdered a wealthy white man since Smirk was elected?

 I read in today's Dallas Morning Whore about one in four of Smirk's victims were
 "represented" by court-appointed lawyers with a record of misconduct.

 Smirk - you bastard.
 Not only have you most likely executed wrongfully convicted men and women,
 but you fucking laughed about it - in front of the goddamn sympathetic press.

 I've seen that footage with my own eyes.
 If you've been paying attention, you have, too.

 Have we ever seen Clinton giggling about killing kids in the Sudan?
 Has Clinton ever done an impression of little kids dying in the Sudan?

 One last thing - I don't believe the military are such spineless pussies that they
 would allow Clinton to order a strike on a target they KNEW was innocent.
 Apparently, Rush thinks that little of our men in uniform.

 To hear the vulgar Pigboy tell the tale,
 Clinton can pass a note with an address scribbled on it to some general at a
 cocktail party that says, "Blow this neighborhood to fucking hell," and the spineless
 pussies in our military automatically say, "You betcha, boss," without hesitation?

 You're a monster, Pigboy, and I don't know why our military takes that from you.
 But, then again, super-Christians love it when Pigboy drags God's name thru tampons,
 anal-oral sex and Monica-chokes-because-Clinton's-dick-is-so-big jokes,
 so I don't know what to think anymore.

 Oh, well, I guess I'll learn these secrets when I get to Heaven.

 I had a request for this, but couldn't find it,
 so thanks to Todd Hudson for sending it.

 I got a great new toy for my birthday.
 I'm going to play with it a LOT!

 Click  Here

 I hope you like it, too.
 It was given to me by the vulgar Pigboy.

 I have a feeling we're going to see a whoooooole lot of this new toy.

 Read  Previous Issue

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