Volume 261 - Take a Bite From the Apple

 September 11, 2000

 Great Smirk Quotes

 "The government has a responsibility to see
   that senior citizens have prescription drugs."

  --to Brit Hume last night, on Fox Whore News

 Isn't that the opposite of what Pigboy has always said?

 Smirk and his cajones problem

 Click  Here

 From: (withheld)

 Subject: Global Warming

 There are two pieces concerning global warming out right now.
 You'll like Molly Ivins'.
 Ann Coulter has one, too, but she's echoing PigBoy claims.

 Molly's piece deserves to be in BartCop.com.
 Ann, on the other hand, is not worthy of your fine publication.

 One other thing--remember when Rush used to go to McDonald's
 to piss off environmentalists?

 Ann wants to piss off environmentalists, too.
 Does that means she goes to McDonald's?
 If so, what does she eat?

 ha ha

 I think we all know the answer to that.

 From:  hozzers@home.com

 Subject: What's up


 YOUR LAST ISSUE IS 09/08/2000.



 It'll take me a day or two to get back up to speed.
 I usually do about an hour's worth of real work a day.
 Since I was gone a week, I have 5 hours of work to catch up on
 and my mean boss wants something for his paycheck.

 From: politex@geocities.com

 Subject: Newspage Recommendation

 Let's see if I've gotten this right, Bartcop.

 You recommend a political newspage ediited by a conservative that
 contains 17 stories without sources or dates,  and call it "really good."

 Yet, you've never recommended Bushreport at www.bushreport.com or
 that contains 30-50 stories daily, each with the source as well
 as the date clearly indicated.

 What's the deal?

 jerry politex

 Right now, I'm more confused than Smirk on Jim Beam.
 Remember, there's always a chance I'm innocent.

 First, let me tell you how I met the guy.
 He wrote and said, "I'm a conservative, would you like to exchange links?"
 I checked his page, apparently more hastily than you, and saw he had dozens
 and dozens of links to news organizations and political sites.

 In the name of fairness and bi-partisanship, I threw him a bone.
 Then, I read your e-mail.

 You say "You've never recommended Bushreport."

 Did you change the name?
 I thought you were Bushwatch.com
 Bushwatch.com  is included in  my News Links.
 For a long, long time on my links page it has read:

 Want to know what Smirk is up to?

 I highly recommend them.
 Updated more often than  bartcop.com

 That sounds like a recommendation, doesn't it?
 I even used the words "highly" and "recommend."

 I've often said good things about bushwatch.com.

 To be sure, I did a quick search on my main page and got twenty hits for Bushwatch.
 To be sure, I randomly clicked on two of them.

 Click #8 from Volume 186

 Bushwatch is your primary up-to-date reference site on the web.
 If it's current, it's on bushwatch.com


 Click #15 from Volume 231

 Have you ever seen more information than what's at bushwatch.com?
 They have a killer story up right now.

 How can you possibly maintain two sites with that much content?
 I've said many times, (I'm sure it's in the other 18 search hits) that you have
 more stuff up by noon than any other site does in a whole week.
 Your dedication and accuracy are beyond reproach.

 But I'm confused about the names.
 I'm not sure I've ever been to  bushreport.com  before today.
 Have you always had two pages?

 When you go to bushwatch.com it has your name on the page,
 but when I go to bushreport.com I was unable to find your name.

 Strangely enough, on the Bushwatch.com page,
 (That's the one with your name on it)
 I was unable to find any mention of  bartcop.com but you do have a link
 to the Wizard of Whimsey right at the top of your home page.

 I clicked on his site to see why he would rate such prominent billing,
 and saw that he has four cartoons on his site - four!

 Are you guys related?

 His entire site would fit on a floppy disk, but my five years of work and 260 issues
 with 240 meg of content on  bartcop.com  are nowhere to be found on your page

 Isn't that funny?

 So, let's look at the toteboard and see how we're doing:

 I've had you listed in my  News Links  since the day we met.
 I've mentioned or praised your site twenty times, (easy to check that)
 yet on your page, our friend Whimsey gets top billing
 and  bartcop.com  is nowhere to be found.

 I looked on your main page, where Whimsey is listed,
 I looked in your comedy section, where you have almost 100 links,
 but I can't find a mention of  bartcop.com  anywhere.

 ...and you're writing to say "You've never recommended Bushreport?"

 Like I said, It's very confusing.

 From: watsmata4u@monmouth.com

 Subject: "At least I didn't kiss him"

 Notice the "Power to the People" grip.
 Notice the left hand on the elbow, drawing in his good friend.
 Notice the wide smile says "Why, I haven't seen you since that kegger at Gamma Delta in '82".

 The dittomonkeys were in full spin today,
 telling us Hillary's hug of the wife was much worse than this picture.
 They are also upset Bill shook Castro's hand. But this is perfectly alright, they say.


 Bobby Knight is gone, and he should be.

 Since Bobby Knight is a darling of the right-wingers, Rush is excusing his animalistic behavior.
 Just think how crazy you'd have to be for your boss to warn you to stop acting like a kid
 and then he has to fire you because you threw another temper tantrum.

 Bye, Bobby...

 Christianityonline.com  says Gore is going to win.

 Christians never lie, do they?

 Click  Here

 From: boxwood@texas.net

 I enjoyed your travelogue immensely; I laughed out loud at the Albertson's Tequila.
 Mark Miller opened a Coyote Cafe in Austin  a three/four years ago.

 First thing he did was redecorate the restaurant space he took over which had
 received numerous arcitectural awards.  The Santa Fe paint colors were understandable,
 but he had the banquettes reupholstered with cowhide!

 Now I love a good steak, but I don't particularly want to be sittting on bossy as I'm
 eating her flesh.  Kinda stupid for a town with an above average number of vegetarians.
 When he got bad press, he whined in national publications about how he was
 "too sophisticated" for Austin.
 Stopped paying his rent... and went back with his cowtail between his cowlegs.


 ha ha

 Take away the tequila factor and I don't know how he stays in business.
 If you read the Rape at Red Sage, you know they only offered two kinds of
 dressing for their fancy-ass salads, and they get insulted if you ask for salt & pepper.

 Excuse me, Mark Miller, but I like a little hint of salt on my "cowboy steak,"
 that is, ...IF IT'S OK WITH YOU!

 Pigboy and his anti-education, can't-trust-the-scientists friends
 continue to say global warming is "just another liberal lie."

 Full  Story

 NUUK, Greenland, Sept. 4 -- During World War II, when Henry Larsen took a
 Royal Canadian Mounted Police ship, the St. Roch, into the fabled Northwest Passage,
 his boat was frozen in Arctic ice through two winters, only emerging at the eastern end after 27 months.

 On Sunday the St. Roch II completed a voyage over the same route in one month,
 including leisurely overnight stops at  communities visited by the namesake boat half a century ago.

 After leaving Tuktoyaktuk, near Canada's border with Alaska, the boat traversed all of Canada's
 Arctic without encountering pack ice.

 "Concern should be registered with the fact we didn't see any ice," the skipper, Sgt. Ken Burton
 of the Mounties, said on Sunday over a maritime telephone as he took the police boat into
 open waters across Baffin Bay from Greenland.

 Remember, Rush and God are telling you there's no such thing as global warming.

 Pigboy just launched a mean-spirited attack on Susan Sarrandon.
 She said if Smirk was elected, we would be electing a man who has killed
 more people prior to taking office than any other president, which is true.

 One of Pigboy's counters was that since Susan Sarrandon is pro-choice,
 isn't that also killing a lot of "people?"

 But Pigboy!

 That makes Smirk's mama a killer, too.

 Jesus, you sure are a stupid mother-effer to call pro-choicers "killers,"
 when your boy's momma is a "killer," herself.

 The vulgar Pigboy says Clinton was booed at some tennis match.
 Sure, that's possible, but...

 The vulgar Pigboy can't be trusted to tell the truth.

 Remember the last time he claimed a sports crowd booed Clinton?
 It was the day Brandy Chastain tore off her shirt.

 He said when the crowd booed Clinton that day,
 "it was louder than any noise that crowd made all day,
  including the moment when the winning goal was kicked."

 Have you ever heard such bullshit in your life?
 Even Papax7, who loves Rush first, then God, isn't so gullible as to
 believe that a stadium full of lady soccer fans would express their
 "hatred" of Clinton louder than they cheered the winning goal.

 No, there must be a limit to blind dittohead faith.

 There must be.

 Today's Page Two Girl is Briggitta Callens

 Click  Here

 Subject: Crying, Whimpering Smirk

 From: mopaul2@juno.com

 Dear Bartcop,
   I hope I'm not the only one who read that Smirky-boy almost broke down
 and cried last Friday in front of the traveling press corps.

 They were hammering him about falling behind in the polls, and about the
 new attack ad on Gore.  Apparently he grew teary-eyed and sniffly and
 waxed romantic about what a wonderful experience it is to run for the
 highest office in this great land.  This is extremely telling.  The GOP
 has got to be terrified at this point, realizing that they have propped
 up another idiot to lose to the democrats.  I'm conviced he doesn't
 really want the job that much.  He was convinced by his handlers that
 this was gonna be a cake-walk.  Now that he realizes he'll go down in
 history as a big fat loser, like his dad, he gets all weepy, and whiny.

 What a sissy.

 He's not used to losing at anything, he's under more stress than ever in his life,
 and he looks like he could really use a shot of tequila, or something else to
 ease the stress of staying awake 8 hours at a time.

 I can just see him dealing with an actual crisis, and falling completely apart
 in a big quivering mass, or maybe puke on a prime mininster's lap, like his dad.

 Can't wait for the debates.

 That cartoon of yours, above, is a great one.

 From: stubby_rodriguez@yahoo.com


 Recently, dissertations have been made available for purchase on the web.
 For only $29.95 you can get a copy of Dr. Laura's dissertation entitled :


 I worked in pharmaceutical research for a couple of years and we used to
 analyze data from "isolated" rat parts.  I visited the lab once and they had this
 little guillotine that was used to sever the rat's head.  Then they would quickly
 extract the heart and put it on a machine that would keep it pumping as they
 dosed it with some drug or other to see the effect.  It might have been in
 just such a lab that Dr. Laura formulated her view of the world.


 ha ha

 Now, Pigboy is whining that the government is TOO BIG.

 Hey, Pigboy, I got a thunderbolt for you:
 Your boys control Congress.
 Why don't they cut the government some?

 Oh, that's right.
 Now I remember why they won't cut government.
 Can I quote you, Pigboy?

 "They're not cuts!"

 Pigboy, it's as tho you don't have a fucking clue what you want.
 You say government is TOO BIG, but when your boys take control,
 you scream at the top of your lungs, "They're not cuts!"

 Christ, you're stupid, you know that?

 You don't know where you want to go, but you insist on driving.

 From: guydubet@tomatoweb.com

 Good to see you back in action.
 Sounds like you and Mrs. BC had a real good vacation.
 You went through some BEAUTIFUL country.

 My last e-mail to you I was a bit concerned about the free pass
 SHIT FOR BRAINS is getting from the "liberal" media.
 If there is all of this "ammo" against SFB, when, if ever,
 will it be leaked to the "liberal" media?


 I'm not sure, but if it looks like Gore's going to win anyway,
 his people may leave all that stuff alone.

 So your question is a good one:

 Why is the press passing up the juicy stories?

 September 8-10, 2000

 Zogby puts Gore Lead at 5 Percent.

 Click  Here

 Of course, Pigboy no longer quotes Zogby, "the most accurate pollster,"
 because Zogby shows Gore with a semi-comfortable lead.

 Rush is scrambling to praise other polls that show Smirk ahead.

 I hope I've mentioned this before,
 but there's a really good news page at


 Lots of news links.

 He says he's a conservative, but linking to news sites
 can't be considered partisan, can it?

 Guest Editorial

 From: SanoLushis@aol.com


 The battle of how to fix public education has been waging for the last 20
 years. There's been the "whole language" approach, there's been the "only
 phonics" approach, each of which have been embraced by both sides of the
 aisle, depending upon which way the public opinion pendulum swung.

 The one thing that people seem to forget is that no two children are alike
 and all children learn differently. What approach may work for one child may
 not work for the next, and any sane American with or without children would
 agree. America's public education system is troubled and we need to fix it.

 In Brown v. Board of Education, the decree was that every child, despite
 ethnicity or residency, is entitled to a quality public education. Now, the GOP
 would like to blame the failure of America's public school system on the infiltration
 of immigrants into the US. (Where that theory comes from......go figure, but it's oft
 cited by the Dittospanks. "yeah, those damn foreigners are all stupid and will
 contribute nothing to America".......unbelievable)

 The Republicans are now pushing for vouchers......which on its face value may
 seem acceptable and enticing. Competition might make public schools compete,
 thus, making them of higher quality and more attractive. But there's one
 thing they're not telling you. No private school MUST take any child with a
 voucher. Is a private school in Beverly Hills going to take a black child
 from Compton with a voucher, or will they just up the tuition so that child
 can't get in with only the voucher? Think about it. America is about ALL
 Americans receiving a quality eduction, not just your kids.

 There is not a "one-stop fix-all" for the public education crisis in America,
 but we're working toward it. Incidentally, I find it laughable that Bush is
 taking credit for an education plan which was written by my colleague, who
 worked for Ann Richards. (but that's another story)

 I pose these questions to you who think public education should be done away
 with and are in favor of vouchers. Those of you who think children in public
 education are expendable and won't really amount to anything in the long run:

 *when last you boarded an airplane, who do you think checked and secured the
 engine for your safety? A public education student? More than likely, yes.

 *who checks the brakes on your vehicle in which you carry your family?
 You trust that person, don't you?

 * who set the timing on the streetlight you stopped at, while dropping your
 children off at school, before taking your car to have its brakes inspected?
 What if the timing was off and you went through the light, killing your family?

 What would you do then? Would you stop to think "It's a good thing I voted
 for vouchers because I don't want niggers or Mexicans in my neighborhood,
 going to school with my kids?"

 Think about it....what's good for America is good for you, your family, and
 your neighbors. Smaller class size, credentialed teachers with higher pay,
 better facilities, before and after school programs for children whose parents
 are working hard to provide for them and can't be there, universal preschool
 ..... think about it. It's a small investment to make for such a large return.

 America's children are your future.
 All of America's children.
 Not just your own.

 Love Story - again!

 Click  Here

 Can you believe Rudy Giuliani is still having sex with "that woman"
 while living under the same roof with his soon-to-be ex-wife?

 Is Donna doing his laundry?
 Is she using bleach to get "her" lipstick stains off his trousers?

 What do the kids think when they see daddy dating?
 You know, that partisan whore Laura the LA She-Thing would be
 going ape-shit every hour of every day if Rudy had a "D," after his name.

 Rudy - how could you?

 Paul Begala Shoots the Bull

 Another day, another slogan.
 As predicted in this space last week, George W. Bush has emerged with yet another
 new, improved slogan. Remember when he was a "Compassionate Conservative"?
 Then came Bush 2 : the "Reformer With Results."
 The Bush 3 was all about "Changing the Tone."
 And now Bush 4 is -- are you ready for this?
 Can't you just feel the electricity?
 Can I have a drumroll please: "Real Plans for Real People."

 No word yet as to whether the American Beef Council, whose slogan was:
 "Beef. Real Food for Real People," plans to sue for copyright infringement.
 I wouldn't if I were them. People can tell the difference between beef and this turkey.

 Of course, none of these slogans are as good as the one Dave Letterman came up with for W:
 "A Dumb Guy With Connections."


 ha ha


 Read  Previous Issue

 Go to  bartcop.com


Privacy Policy
. .