Volume 270 - Bread and Smirkuses

 September 18, 2000

 VCR Alert - Dallas vs Washington on MNF
  I hate Dallas.

 From:  janetofavalon@hotmail.com

 Subject: Rock Star's Wife


 That picture is of Yasmin Le Bon, wife of Simon.
 Simon is the lead singer of Duran Duran.
 That was way too easy!



 Damn, you were first.
 Eric at  erbo@iquest.net  and Carl at  chansen@mb.sympatico.ca  got it, too,
 I have six more to go and I thought that one was going to be the stumper.

 You can probably guess the other six before I show them.

 Great Dennis Miller MNF Lines

 "Welcome to Washington DC, where we have the 256th sell-out in a row,
   but that's 257 if you count Trent Lott."

  ha ha

 From:  ranting_wacko@hotmail.com

 Subject: Victory Over The Unfunny Duck in Ft. Worth

 This week, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram instituted a change in it's comics
 page, picking up the strips Baby Blues, Baldo, Luann, Mutts, Robotman,
 Sherman's Lagoon and Spooner while dropping Spider-Man, Broom Hilda,
 Gasoline Alley, Nancy, Over the Hedge, Rugrats and MALLARD FILMORE.

 "These were all comics that scored very low in our reader polls, every one
 of them," said Lance Murray, a senior editor and reader advocate with the paper.

 He noted that he expected many to protest the loss of Filmore, which the paper
 picked up as a balance to the more liberal Doonesberry. But Murray noted that in
 his role as advocate, he has gotten more reader complaints about Mallard Filmore
 than any other comic. Complaints came from "liberal and conservative alike",
 with even members of the later group calling the strip "too extreme".

 Can we get a shot for Lance Murray
 and the good people of the Ft.Worth Star-Telegram?

 Ranting Wacko

 RW, yes we can!
 We need to include Molly Ivins in the toast, too.
 Molly's one of the all-time great political writers and we
 wish her a speedy recovery from her recent cancer scare.

 A shot of Chinaco for Lance and Molly!



 The problem with Mallard Fillmore is the guy just isn't funny.
 I mean, how untalented can a guy be if he can't come up with
 a good, solid joke a day out of the Clinton Administration?

 From: boydstun@foxinternet.net

 Subject: Almost Famous

 Bart it is a good flick.
 Cam is married to the cute Wilson, the blond.
 They live in Seattle so we get the PR  from their latest activities.
 The movie is a must see.

 Can you even imagine being on the road with Led Zep at 15?
 Could be as big as Jerry McGuire.


 PS Bush is toast.
      You know he is in trouble when lard ass says don't worry about the polls
      He said the same with Dole.

 ha ha

 You are correct, Sir.
 Rush is leading his clueless sheep down the path of frustration for the third time.

 Almost forgot today's Page Two Girl
 This week, we're doing wives of rock stars.

 Do you know who her famous husband is?

 Click  Here

me if you think you know...

 From: (Don't you dare publish my name)

 Subject:  More Bush Lies

 "I don't read polls."

 Bush reinvents himself, goes negative, changes strategy due to polls.

 "I will run a positive campaign."

 When asked if his ad was negative he responded:

 "It depends on what the definition of negative is"

 Swear to Koresh. Source Margaret Carlson, TIME Magazine

 "I want the most people to watch the debates."

 Yeah, sure.

 "We didn't put the 'rats' there on purpose"

 Yea, the Easter Bunny did it.

 And he still hasn't read the book on Dean Atcheson.

 'Dr. Laura' Pulls in Weak Ratings and Ads
          By STUART ELLIOT

 The marketers that did not buy commercial time on Dr. Laura Schlessinger's new
 syndicated daytime television show may want to thank the gay and lesbian activists
 who pressured them to bypass the show. The series so far seems to be as big
 a miss with viewers as it has been with advertisers.

 "It's a goner," said Marc Berman, media analyst for the Mediaweek.com

 Full Fun Story

 Thanks to Allan Kramer for the assist.

 Want to see Zeppelin's lawyer tear George Will apart?

 Click  Here

 ha ha

 From:  pkgrunden@hotmail.com

 Subject: A Shameful Mistake

 Forgive me, Bartcop, for I have sinned,

 This weekend the wife and I were out at a little Mexican restaurant that we
 like, and I decided I would do a little Bartcop-style investigating. To my
 dismay there were only about five tequilas on the menu, the best of which
 was... Patron! Fool that I was, I ordered up a shot. I should have guessed
 something was up when they brought it out rimmed with salt and a lemon
 slice, but I gave it a chance. The first couple of sips were not too bad,
 kind of sweet-like, but GAWD before long it started to taste like something
 that'd been strained out of a catbox. I threw the rest back, took the lemon
 for comfort and tried to forget about the whole awful experience.

 Then--and this is the heavy confession--I tried the same goldanged thing the
 next night! Stopped at a friendly neighborhood bar, the "best" thing they've
 got is... Patron! I start second guessing, thinking maybe the folks at the
 restaurant figured I wouldn't know the difference and had slipped me an El
 Toro or something. So I WATCHED the old barkeep pour it this time, and...
 well, I don't think I have to tell you the rest.

 I'm so-o-o ashamed. I wish Bartcop had steered me clear.
 Maybe I missed an earlier warning, being a relative newcomer?
 How can I avoid such obvious pitfalls in the future?
 Help me, Bartcop, you're my only hope!

 the Rustbelt

 Don't despair, my son.
 At least Patron is 100 percent agave.

 It's not bad tequila, but I wouldn't buy it.
 If that's all they had, I'd get a Coke, instead.
 It's just got too much of a bite for me.

 But the next time you try some fine tequila, try two kinds at once.
 That's a damn lot of fun, comparing the two and trying to identify
 the wisps of flavor that only come out when you first taste one,
 then notice how the second one has "X," but is missing, "Y."

 Oh, I'm getting Vegas Fever just talking about it!

 So the town drunk is stumbling past a Baptist church in Waxahachie, Texas.

 The preacher decided to save the man, against his will, so he had some
 parishoners grab the man and dunk him in the river behind the church.

 They pulled him up and the preacher said, "Did you find Jesus?

 The drunk looked confused, so they dunked him again.
 Pulling his head up, the preacher asked again:  "Did you find Jesus?"

 The drunk still looked confused, so they dunked him a third time. Pulling him up,
 the preacher said, "Have you found Jesus? Can you feel His presence?"

 The drunk finally got enough oxygen in his lungs to ask,
 "Are you sure we're looking in the right spot?"

 Paul Begala Shoots the Bull

 More great news for America: Al Gore is surging in the polls.

 This week's Newsweek poll has Gore ahead by 14 points among likely voters, 52 - 38.
 What's more, the number of people who have not decided is down, from 30 percent
 last week to 23 percent this week.

 That means (and I'm walking you through this slowly in case Gov. Bush is reading it)
 as more Americans make up their mind, they're choosing Al Gore.

 Finally, as the Bushies gaze in astonishment, Al Gore and Joe Lieberman are not
 backing away from their criticism of marketing explicit entertainment to children.
 The Republicans can't believe that anyone would disagree with their donors.
 Hey, W, Big-Time and gang: it's called political courage, and you should try it
 sometime. I can't find a time when Bush has publicly criticized the big-money polluters,
 insurance companies and HMO fatcats who are financing his campaign.

 And it appears that on the issue of explicit entertainment, W himself has a little 'splainin' to do.
 Apparently W served on the board of Silver Screen Management, which the New York Times
 described as "a film company that produced a 1986 movie called 'The Hitcher,'
 in which a woman's body was ripped in two."

 Not exactly what W needs as he tries to get the women's vote.
 I wonder if he'll mention it on "Oprah" tomorrow.

 ha ha
 Make him stop!

 Did you see him refer to Cheney as "Big Time?"

 ha ha

 Smirk: That reporter is a major league asshole.

 Cheney: Yeah, Boss. BIG time.

 Have you ever seen a guy suck his boss so blatantly?
 Cheney's asking himself how the hell he got in this damn mess.

 He was semi-retired, semi-happy (his wife) and super-rich,
 but now he's Smirk's cabanaboy and he's about to be forced into
 that special Limbo where Quayle, Dole and Kemp are being held - ha ha.

 Great Rush Quotes

 "Why are women upset at Lazio for "invading" Hillary's space?
   First of all - HE DIDN'T DO THAT.
   When she saw him coming, she met him half-way.
   He didn't get anywhere NEAR her podium."

 Right, as always, Pigboy!
 I manufactured this picture with my superior image-manipulating technical skills.

 Then, a Pigboy personal slur.

 "If Lazio DID invade her personal space,
   he's the first man in a long, long time."

 You see?
 This is the kind of vulgar, personal slur that Papax7 loves!
 This is the kind of vulgar, personal slur that Papax7 thinks Jesus laughs at!
 This is the kind of vulgar, personal slur that God loaned Rush the talent to make.

 You religious frauds make me sick, putting the vulgar Pigboy BEFORE
 any respect you claim you have for your diety

 You can't be a Christian and enjoy that kind of ugly filth.
  I, BartCop, atheist-agnostic have more respect for your God than you do.

 From: (name withheld by request)

 Subject: I worked for pigboy

 Bartcop - I've been holding out on you & I apologize as I read your site
 everyday & it's awesome . I've got some Pigboy info that I thought that you
 you might like to share with your readers. First let me say that I live in France
 & that your site has been/is a goldmine for me, but more about that later.

 Anyway I'm a composer-musician & money is not always flowing in my
 direction & I have had to actually work for a living at times & one time ,
 interestingly enough was for the pigboy himself.

 I used to live in New York & I was working as a carpenter & I was one of the
 people who built his penthouse apartment on Park fucking Avenue. I have many,
 many stories to tell but I want to throw this one at you.

 First of all let me say this place is huge, palacial, & it was uninhabitable for months
 due to the ever amount of daily changes (read Marta playing with PigDaddy's money)
 except for one room that was completed toute suite , are you ready...

 A WALK IN HUMIDOR complete with a digitized security code
 (what the missus is going to to steal his cigars ?)

 ha ha

 Now I think you know where I'm going here , go to your local Walmart & price a 1x1
 humidor & you'll get an idea of the cost we're talking here. So he shells out for this thing &
 what do you think he stocks it  with...Phillies Blunts?

 You know & I know ...the finest Castro Cubano's that money can buy !!

 Last time I came to the U.S of A I was busted for having a couple of those fine sticks.
 "That's illegal here son! that's contraban!"

 But if that's not enough he wouldn't give a shit about the apartment but every morning he
 would come & check the temperature of the damn thing & SCREAM if it wasn't right
 because his friend "George" had given him a couple of new boxes & damn if they were
 going to go bad. Plus he numbered each box so that he could tell if we were smoking
 the good stuff. Now I've read enough about the Nazis enjoying the fine life & I believe
 the rest is your department..

 Every word is true & I have more if you want it.
 To close, I used to leave Noam Chomsky books where he would check the bills
 until I was asked to refrain from the practice of doing so

 Keep up the good work,


 PS who is Koresh?
 pss please don't print my email

 Great letter!
 I need every detail you can remember about Captain Oink!
 I don't care how trivial, down to ketchup vs mustard on his hot dog.
 Please - send every story you can think of.

 You'd be surprised what I can do with a little information.

 I wonder who George is?
 Would George Brett have a cigar connection?
 I'll bet George Steinbrenner does.

 I can't believe he numbers his precious cigars.
 I don't bother to number my Chinaco bottles - I trust my wife.
 (But then again, they're already numbered - ha ha)

 Does he really have enough cigars to warrant an entire room?

 How do his kids seem?
 Are they suicidal?

 Koresh is David Koresh, the nut who poured gasoline on his family of 88
 in Waco Texas so he could blame the government for killing them.
 His real name was Vernon something, but he changed his name to David Koresh
 when he declared himself "God," and stared raping the wives and daughters of the
 religio-wackos who believed Vern's brand of insanity.

 By the way, when you write back, tell us about France, too.

 Why are you there? What do you do?
 Is it true the women don't shave and nobody takes a shower?
 How's the food?

 I've never been to France - don't plan to go, either.
 Once you've been in a jail in another country, you come to appreciate
 that lil' document in Washington they call "The Constitution."

 Next time I leave the country, it'll be with ex-President Clinton :)

 Seriously, hurry with more stories!!

 This Just In...

 Rush caller readsbartcop.com

 Caller: Rush, Lazio would never have gotten in a man's face that way.

 Rush: Sure he would have.

 Caller: No, he's a bully, you don't DO that to a woman.

 Rush: What did he do that was so wrong?

 Caller: If he had done that to me, we would've both been on the floor.

 ha ha

 Perhaps the caller is from Oklahoma or Texas?
 You may get away with bullying a woman in Buffalo,
 you may get away with invading someone's space up northeast,
 but you try that shit down here and we'll launch on your ass.

 Thanks to Marc Perkel, (R-ha ha) US Senate candidate from Missouri,
 who won't be riding Bush's coattails into office..

 Great Pigboy Quotes

 "Hang in there, the polling news isn't as bad as everyone says it is."

 ha ha

 Yes, it is!
 It's over, Your Oinkness!

 From:  cross@vassar.edu

 Subject: Cinco de Mayo/ 16th september

 There is something interesting in the Shrub's mistranslation of "Dieciseis
 de Septiembre to "September 15th". Mexico's Independence day is, indeed,
 September 16th, but the CELEBRATION takes place at 12:00:01 AM of that day.

 In other words, if you were heading out to PARTY for Mexican Independence day,
 you would do it on the 15th, not the 16th. It is, of course, very significant that Dubya thinks,
 therefore, that "Dieciseis de Septiembre" translates into "September 15th",
 because that is the day he would have gotten sloshed.

 By the way, the 16th may be the "Independence Day", but Cinco de Mayo is
 the day with the most parades, since it celebrates the victory of the
 Mexican forces over the French invasion force at Puebla.


 I think you've proven my hypothesis, that Smirk sees everything in terms of
 "How drunk can I get on cheap liquor with daddy's money?

 He couldn't even earn a job as a bat boy,
 so his daddy bought a baseball team for him.

 ...and he thinks he deserves to sit in the Big Chair?

 Tom Shales vs Laura the Martyr

 Tom Shales is possibly the most influential TV critic in America.
 he writes for the Wshington Post, and used to be or still is with the Los Angeles Times.
 He is a great writer.
 If you've never read him, prepare to be impressed.

 I don't know if you'd call this "scathing," or "scalding," but  this is what
 bartcop.com  would read like if I had a nickle's worth of talent.
 Reading this makes me want to sign up for writing night-class.

 Buckle up, then  Click  Here

 Crime Update

 Here's the update from the local rag. Just keeping you in the loop.

 Mike in Murfreesboro
 (Who wonders if these guys will get to cast their votes for Bush in November).

 Suspects in High-speed Chase Set for Trial;
 Scumbags allegedly fired at deputies
 By Lisa Marchesoni / Staff writer

 A suspect charged with attempted murder of two sheriff’s deputies will face
 his trial proceedings beginning Tuesday after his return last week from Oklahoma.

 Gregory S. Luna, 20, scumbag from Collinsville, Okla.,

 and co-defendant John Thomas Casebeer, 34, of Oklahoma

 were indicted last year on charges of attempted murder of  Officers Lee Young and
 Andrew Caravello during a high-speed chase Sept. 13, 1999 in the Blackman community.

 Grand jurors also indicted them on charges of aggravated assault of Caravello,
 Detective James Harrell and Patrol Lt. Joe Gray when Luna and Casebeer allegedly
 almost hit the officers in a stolen touring sedan.

 Both suspects were also indicted on charges of evading arrest, possession of cocaine,
 car theft and possession of a substance with intent of manufacturing methamphetamines.
 Luna will be arraigned on multiple indictments Tuesday in Circuit Court.

 Luna allegedly fired repeatedly at Young during a high-speed pursuit where Young
 stopped he and Casebeer on a traffic violation on Interstate 24. Young pursued the
 suspects on Old Fort Parkway, onto state Route 96 West (Franklin Highway) and
 through the Blackman community. One round shattered Young’s windshield.
 Young ducked to avoid being shot.

 The chase ended when Casebeer crashed a touring sedan owned by a Mrs. BartCop
 of  Tulsa, Oklahoma, into a tree on Bass Lane, causing him to break his nose.

 More Great Pigboy Quotes

 "Friends, don't be so down about allllll the polls showing Bush losing hueueueuge.
   Pretend the election is tomorrow, and you're eager to vote for him."

  ha ha


 That's how you face adversity in Porkland?

 ha ha

 ha ha

 Eat it, Rush!

 Snort, snort!!

 From: pearly@onebox.com

 Subject: funny tv comments/news ...

 Conan O' Brien
 To Gore's running mate Joe Lieberman :
 "You seem to be enjoying the campaign - having fun.
 Dick Cheney ( Bush's running mate ) looks like he's been drafted".

 NBC Nightly News
 Dates have been set for the Presidential Debates.
 The good thing going for Al Gore is that he is a good debater.
 The good thing going for George W. Bush is lower expectations.

 David Letterman

 To Al Gore ( about Presidential Debates ) :
 "From what I see, they ( Bush campaign ) don't seem to have any
 strategy for the debates".


 Pearly, thanks for those.
 Nice page you have, too.

 Rock and Roll Votes Rock's "Greatest Hits"

 10. Bob Dylan - Like a Rolling Stone
       Good pick.

   9. The Who - My Generation
       I think Who's Next, Tommy & Quadraphenia each have 3 songs
       that are better than My Generation.

   8. Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode
       Maybe, but only as an oldie, and if we're doing oldies,
       shouldn't that fella from Memphis have gotten the nod, instead?

   7. John Lennon - Imagine
       Really? Over The Walrus, Day in the Life, Strawberry Fields?

   6. Paul McCartney - Yesterday
       Oh, please! If we're doing ditties, what about Jack & Diane?

   5. Jimi Hendrix - Purple Haze
       A real song by a real rocker!
       Have you seen that bio on Showtime?
       I saw parts of it., it looked real good to me.
       Might watch the whole thing (on tape) tonight.
       Jimi's been gone 30 years now, can you believe that?

   4. Doors - Light My Fire
       Good song, but probably not number four all-time

   3. Clapton - Layla
       Great song! But there's a rumor going 'round that Duane Allman
       played the tricky guitar part. I saw Eric do this in K-Drag, years ago,
       but he did it without any women singers! It was goofy!
       There'd be silence, then Eric would sing, "Got me on my knees!"
       More silence, then "I'm beggin' Darlin' please!" then more silence.
       Eric, you owe me a Layla.
       Next time, bring Marcy with you!

   2. Stones - Satisfaction
       What?  What about Sympathy, what about Gimme Shelter?
        Brown Sugar and Jumpin Jack Flash?
        Satisfaction might be your father's favorite Stone's song.

   1. Led Zeppelin - Stairway.
       Sure, Im prejudiced, but most polls in the last 28 years agree.


 From: Moofaye@aol.com

 Subject: web site

 get a grip buddy!

 Get a grip?
 ...not since high school!

 ha ha

 Read  Previous Issue

 Go to  bartcop.com

Privacy Policy
. .