Volume 269 - Smirk's Bogus Adventure

 September 17, 2000

 From:  leocarr@mediaone.net

 Subject: Mr. Clinton & "THE LICK"

 What I have not seen anyplace is an explanation of how the secret service ever, ever
 let the asshole Rick THE LICK invade Mrs. Clinton's space during their recent encounter.

 Given their recent encounters, Reagan, Ford, Carter, I think, and Kennedy
 and the hate vented against President Clinton they do not fuck around. When
 I saw the tape of the debate I was amazed that the asshole Rick THE LICK got
 so close in such an antagonistic manner especially reaching into his coat.
 He being a borderline right wing whacko, one does not know what he would do!

 The duty of the secret service is to protect various and sundry constitutional officers
 and their families, it is a requirement mandated to them by the American People.

 They wouldn't let jesus christ get that close to President Clinton.
 I thought it was curious and note worthy.

 Leo Carr/

 I hadn't thought of that angle.


 - Helms said Clinton wouldn't be safe in Carolina,
 - Pissquick of Oklahoma has made some veiled threats.
 - Bob Dole suggested that Clinton had "taken the people's house from them," when he
   OK'd the Secret Service recommendation that Pennsylvania Avenue be closed to
    make it more difficult to truck-bomb the White House.
 - G. Gordon Liddy bragging that when he shot his wife's firearms, (convicted felons
   aren't allowed to own guns, so they are his wife's guns...) he was shooting at
   human-shaped targets with the President and First lady's pictures on them.
 - Liddy suggested "head shots" for federal agents because, after all,
   "If they're wearing vests, you have to shoot them in the head to be effective."
 - Pigboy has charged for years that Clinton, "holds America hostage."

 We know they want the Clintons,
 and we know no price is too high for them to pay.

 Lazio shouldn't have been allowed to rush Hillary that way.
 Somebody might need to be fired.
 He might've been taking one for the team,
 like just the way Ollie's trading partners in Beirut explained it to them.

 They think like that sometimes - the GOP, I mean...

 Just think - if this had been a successful assassination, what explanation could
 the Secret Service give for allowing a political extremist to get to her, other than,
 "We had no clue that Republicans were such violent, religiously-motivated radicals."

 That wouldn't fly with a jury.

 Next debate?

 We find out Lazio was just trying to prove that women should carry guns cause you
 can never tell when a Republican might accidentally go off and try to kill you.

 My sources are telling me that Hillary's polling data is telling them she'd
 go up 6-8 points if she kicks the little oinker in the balls.

 Hurry, Debate #2!
 Don't be late!

 From:  mccool.13@osu.edu

 Subject: Gads. Can It be Over?!

 Dear Bartcop,

 Okay, so you've got emails up the kilt (largely due, in the immediate, to your
 being Bush,  er, AWOL for an eternity--by the bye, did you have a gate pass, sir?).

 ...before we go on, your first half-sentence should get an award,

 But look what's seeming to have transpired while you were on walkabout.
 Are these sons-of-bitches folding their tents?
 I haven't seen this type of thing since Jimmy Carter laid down for Ronnie.

 I'm with you, this is a yawner.
 I thought Bush was going to put up a fight.
 My hits are down, everybody's so bored with the certain Gore victory.
 I'll bet the Olympics gets good ratings this year, because people are hungry
 as hell for some kind of story!  They won't find it in politics this year.

 Look here, I have been corresponding with two cousins, one more conservative than
 the other, but both Republicans, who, like me in reverse, would NEVER vote for a Democrat,
 and both have written back today saying they "were tired of politics."

 ha ha

 That's GOP for, "Can we not talk about it?"

 ha ha

 One lives in California, the other in Maryland--both are
 from Lazio Island, er, Long Island. Sometimes we had electronic fisticuffs.
 It usually boiled down to "Buddhist Temple" and "Dumbya's a dimwit."

 I admit to using your web page as a source for material with which to irk them,
 often without proper attribution--especially the cartoons--but also finding in your
 writings the fuel for my own (always persuasive) arguments.
 Your links are quite useful in this effort as well. And I admit that I would
 not have been nearly as prepared to vanquish them without your able help.

 Cunningham and MoPaul and the pros are smart enough to include their name on the cartoon,
 (hint to Whimsey, who'd I'd like to bring back into the fold but he's so stubborn - wanting  an apology - (gasp!)  from BartCop?)
 so I think you're OK there.

 As far as anything I wrote, don't blame that on me!

 But, if they now withdraw, what am I to do?
 Hell, my mind is drifting to the 2004 re-election scenario.
 Will President Gore drop Leiberman type of  thoughts... ?

 I just hope President Gore succumbs to an intern - quick! - or comedy's going on haitus.

 I'm telling you, these guys are flat-out retreating.
 This makes me somehow discouraged as well.
 Can you suggest something we might do to re-inflate the flaccid Bush-Dick ticket?
 I'm thinking Viagra Falls in a barrel, maybe.


 Suddenly Also Flaccid


 ha ha

 That was fun to read.
 Send more like that.


 Algore - Starting to Use the Big Hammer

 Full Story

 Two Excerpts:

 Staffed by blooded veterans of the Clinton years—from the “war room” in
 Little Rock to the impeachment hearings in Washington—the Gore campaign is
 outmaneuvering and outmanning a Bush campaign that sometimes seems
 to be run from a cigar box in the back of the old family store.


 Kitchen commander Ron Klain seemed almost disappointed by the lack of competition.
 “There hasn’t been much incoming,” he said.

 ha ha

 Tear him up, Al!
 Make it hurt!

 From: yoob@yourass.com

 Subject: Drudge "Report"


 I was listening to Matt Drudge on the radio...do you ever listen to him?

 I might, if he had something to say.
 Remember, I listen to Laura 15 hours a week, 15 of Pigboy, plus Hannity, O'Reilly etc.
 Fun, for me, is a Nazi whore, spewing illogical, fantasy-based religious hatred-for-hire
 against the best president any of us have ever seen.

 But Drudge just repeats maybe-possibly-potentially-allegedly-true rumors.
 Drudge never has an opinion, does he?
 An opinion besides, "the White House wants me dead because I'm so dangerous."

 ha ha

 I wish he was on that chart with George Will and Chippy the Chimp.
 I wonder how he'd do?

 He was just talking about how Alec Baldwin has vowed to leave the US
 if Bush is elected. Drudge's exact quote was

 "Hey, I think I finally found a reason to vote for BUSH!"

 Hey...he said it.
 A Conservative.
 Said it.
 Don't vote for Bush unless you hate Alec Baldwin.
 This was not said by a member of the liberal media.
 This was one of Smirk's own!


 Kris, I like Alec Baldwin - a lot, even - but that's crazy talk.
 We survived Reagan, so we can survive anything.

 As far as Drudge's remark, keep this in mind.
 He may not be a Republican.
 He may just be that rare, 100 percent-pure whore like Rush, who doesn't even
 care about politics, but he's making a million per month pretending he does.

 I don't think Rush is a Republican.
 Rush is a disturbed-but-talented, greed-driven whore.
 I am dead certain he'd pee on Reagan's grave if he thought that would get him
 an inch closer to a 1-in-100 chance at a 5 percent cut in just his state tax.

 Rush and Drudge built their careers the same way Screaming "the sky is falling"
 to the trailer-trash ignorati who don't understand that it's all an act.

 If Bush wins this election, Durdge's sources for juicy dirt dry up
 and Pigboy would retire to "be with his family and play golf."

 For their sake, Gore must win.

 Great Comedy Quotes

 Bush countered, accepting only one of the commission debates,
 while suggesting two more, "Meet the Press" and "Larry King Live".
 This further reinforces the impression that he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer;
 he's more like that slotted wooden spoon that got caught in the garbage disposal.
   -- Will Durst, from motherjones.com

 Why was Bette Giuliani-contributor Midler singing at a fund-raiser for Algore?

 There will be no review for the film Almost Famous this issue, as promised.

 Your ediotr is an idiot.

 I assumed that since the major TV/print/radio/magazine publicity blitz climaxed this week,
 the film would actually debut to take advantage of all the buzz that was generated.
 All those dozens of interviews that the stars and writer/director Cameron Crowe gave last
 week must have just been the prelims, because the movie is slated to bow "later this month."

 By the way, isn't Cameron Crowe married
 to the better-looking Wilson sister from Heart?

 Term Limit Advocate Runs Again
   Slayer of Tom Foley "likes the power, the perks"

 Full, back-stabbing Story

 SPOKANE, Wash. (AP) - For the first time since he reneged on his promise to
 serve only three terms, Rep. George Nethercutt (R-Liar) is at the mercy of the voters.
 And his critics aren't letting anyone forget it as he heads into Tuesday's primary.

 TV commercials paid by a national term limits group blanket eastern Washington.
 His appearances are shadowed by the Weasel King, a costumed critic sent by
 term limit supporters, and former Education Secretary William Bennett,
 author of a book on virtue, says Nethercutt increases cynicism about politics.

 I understand this George Nethercutt weasel fellow is very, very good friends with
 Steve Largent (R-Concussion) and Uncle O.J. Watts (R-Pigmentia Metamorphia)
 who, as all America now knows, have raped and murdered their 3-term pledges.

 I'm looking forward to Wednesday's morning headlines,
 but what I really need is a picture of that guy as the Weasel King.

 Wildduckberry Brewery dude?
 Or my buddy at the Spokane Intelligencer?

 Somebody help me out...

 We need that weasel!

 As predicted here  at bartcop.com

Jack Nicholson, Lara Flynn Boyle End Romance

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Jack Nicholson and Lara Flynn Boyle have ended their
year-long romance, the syndicated television show ``Access Hollywood'' says.

A source close to Nicholson told the program that the couple, who went public with
their romance at last year's Emmys, parted ways over disagreements about their futures.
Nicholson, 63, was apparently bothered by a recent magazine article hinting that Boyle, 30,
wanted to marry him, the show said.

 From:  tlaloc@webzone.net

 Subject: Gore, Bush, and Cinco de Mayo

 Here's the actual quote.

 Bush:  "First of all, Cinco de Mayo is not the independence day.
            That's dieciséis de Septiembre, and ..."

 Matthews: "What's that in English?"

 Bush: "Fifteenth of September." (Dieciséis de Septiembre = Sept. 16)

 He actually pronounced it right, but he got the translation wrong, which makes
 me wonder just how he got the reputation of being up on Latino issues.

 I have that one figured out.
 As a rich playboy with a major in drugs and a minor in alcohol,
 Smirk knows when all the Mexican festivals are held.

 Dieciseis, broken down, is Diez y seis (10 and 6 - the y is pronounced like the letter e).
 After 16, most of the numbers follow this type of pattern. But before 16 is another matter.
 Fifteen would not be pronounced, Diez y cinco, it's quince (keen - say)

 I knew something was funny.
 I knew what I printed for "16" wasn't what Smirk said, so, like a dumbass,
 I figured I was the one that was screwing it up, somehow. I knew Bush said it,
 and I knew may date was right, I just didn't figure on Smirk getting it wrong.

 I'm so stupid!
 (Chris Farley!)

 Just a little note, I've been volunteering at Tulsa's Hispanic Festival,
 being held at Garnett and 21st, over the weekend. Today, the Republican
 Party had a table set up. Let's just say it was a little lonely over there.
 I was disappointed though that the demos didn't bother to show up.

 James Wiske

 Where were you guys?

 Actually, we went to that.
 I was hoping for more food booths.
 We only saw four and two weren't Mexican food.
 Maybe they'll do this every year and it'll grow.

 Tell them for next year they need to have a luxury tequila-tasting booth.
 You can get temporary liquor permits.

 Great Republican Quotes

 "Unless there's a bump in the road,
  Gore will win Pennsylvania and Florida."
     -- Mort Zuckerman, Chief Nut at US News & Whore Report

 ...but Mort,

 You mean "Love Canal,"  "Buddhist temple,"  "Love Story' and "RATS"
 aren't winning issues for Smirk in Pennsylvania and Florida?
 What's wrong with those people?

 ha ha

 From: JennyQ1@aol.com

 Subject: Rick-the-Wifebeater Lick

 I heard one of the babbling heads say "nobody would ever accuse Rick the Lick
 of invading his opponent's personal space if Hillary were a man..."


 Because we know if Hillary were a man,
 Rick-the-Sniveling, Woman-bullying-Punk-Lick
 would never have pulled that stunt.

 ha ha

 Egg-cellent point, as Matt Drudge might say.

 Ladies and gentlemen, JennyQ is the creator of this gem:

 From:  daennera@hotmail.com

 Subject: W's new strategy

 Hey Bart,
 Nothing has made me more cheerful than to see DUMBYA slipping all
 the way up to the olympics. He even resorted to conceding to Gore on the
 debate issue...well, he knew it was killing him, so he had to make a move.

 Even after the weeks of enjoyable gaffes and slip ups, he's back to his
 obnoxious snooty personality.

 His new strategy is simple.
 We're not going to make this a personality contest anymore
 ( people aren't as stupid as I originally thought)
 but we're going to talk
 (or mangle words and ideas in his case) about issues.

 Did anyone catch the latest?
 He actually accused Gore's budget of not adding up.
 Mr. "It's clearly a budget, it has alot of numbers in it" is actually attacking Gore's budget.

 ha ha

 Like the dumbass has any credibility on this subject whatsoever.
 He can't even coherently explain his own tax mess,
 let alone attack someone else where numbers are concerned.
 I'm so looking forward to the debates. Unless his staff can adequately prepare him for them
 (which I highly doubt), we're in for the best political entertainment in years.


 I can't wait!
 October 3 - hurry fast!

 It's Not Easy Being Green
  by George W Bush

 Click  Here

 From:  watsmata4u@monmouth.com
  Winner of  bartcop.com's Survivor  Corvette

 Subject: NY debate

 One NY radio voice suggested Hillary bring a can of Mace with her
 to the next debate to keep the little bastard away.

 ha ha
 That, or kick him in the balls...

 Rules of debate say no props and you have to stay behind your podium.
 Russert sat there like a bump on a log while Little Ricky broke both rules.
 In NY, he could be arrested for assault for simply touching her hand like he did.

 Rich, good point.
 Richard Reeves (Universal Press) says they had an agreement in writing,
 to have no props of any kind.  Presumably, Lazio signed that agreement,
 so Hillary (and Harold Ickes) must be saving that proof that Lazio's word
 is no good to run after his next personal attack on her. All they need to do
 is run a commercial showing the document with his signature and this:

    Lazio: "Don't read it, just sign it!"

 As for Danny Goldberg...he was at the senate hearings on the entertainment
 industry and he made a comment in his speech about why should you be
 concerned about profanity in CD's when your own party's nominee stands
 in public and refers to people as "assholes."

 Good points, both.
 Thanks for sending 'em.

 Flynt Preparing October Surprise for Bush

 He's back.
 Investigative pornographer Larry Flynt, whose million-dollar offer for dirt
 on Republicans two years ago ended in the resignation of Bob Livingston,
 has been on talk radio stations around the country claiming he has proof
 that a woman aborted a Baby Smirk some 30 years ago.

 Flynt was holding Smirk accountable for his past actions just last week on
 liberal Alan Colmes radio program broadcast by New York's WEVD.

 The Republicans, already in a panic at Smirk's Titanic-y poll numbers,
 are terribly concerned that lightning is about to strike them a third time..

 A few things need to be remembered.
 Flynt was responsible for uncovering the dishonesty and hypocrisy of the
 Clinton cock-grabbers two years ago when he proved half the married
 House managers had current girlfriends or paid for past abortions during
 the impeachment showdown that resulted in the Senate finding Clinton
 not guilty of even a single misdemeanor.

 By the way,
 Did the Senate ever find Presidents Reagan or Bush not guilty of crimes?
 No, they did not...

 ha ha

 Clinton has a document signed by 100 senators saying he's innocent,
 yet Reagan and Bush failed to produce a similar document during their terms.

 Flynt's ads, asking for the truth about Republican Congressmen and Senators
 in the middle of their judicial impeachment process, was nothing short of
 sauce for the gander. The American voter saw a personal witch-hunt turn
 into a morality play about minding one's own fucking business.

 Now Flynt, with his tsunami of real evidence, is going to expose The Hitcher
 as the lazy, good-for-nothing, rich & spoiled playboy-jerk, who's trying to
 get elected to a job he couldn't handle with size 22 oven mits.

 Despite says "there's no doubt the story is true," just as every allegation he
 made durting impeachment turned out to be 100% accurate, making him
 the envy of the New York Whore Times, the Dallas Morning Whore,
 the Whore Street Journal and the Arkansas Whore Gazette.

 Flynt's magazine has yet to print the story in his own publication, prefering
 to dangle it like the Sword of Damoclese above the idiot Smirk's head.


 The "Austin powers," are crapping their pants big-time over this latest in a
 whole series of major gaffes from the young Bush boy.  Flynt has been all
 over the airwaves with his accusation, which, we must point out in all fairness,
 the Bush campaign has refused to directly deny. And Flynt admits up-front
 to offering the lady in question another million-dollar jackpot to tell her story,
 "because threatening women with death in prison is so Kenneth-Starr."

 "I hope she'll come forward while there's an opportunity for her to get this
 money because if she waits, she'll lose it," Flynt told Alan Colmes (D-Weak)
 last week, in a thinly veiled reference to his Election Day deadline.

 "Mr. Constitution," spent an hour with Colmes detailing his evidence and
 complaining about the mainstream press' refusal to print anything negative
 about the Lothario past of the unqualified Hitcher.

 "We've located four of the girl's friends who knew about the romance,
 the pregnancy and the abortion. We've even interviewed the doctor,"
 Flynt told the talk host with the worst debating skills in America.
 The abortion took place in the early 1970s, Flynt said, the decade the
 young Bush boy refuses to discuss or even acknowledge..

 In addition to interviewing the Houston doctor,  Flynt's investigators have
 located some girlfriends who will confirm the abortion story.

 "The story is true," the disabled, wheelchair-bound publisher told Colmes.
  Reminder: The same NRA member who shot Flynt also shot Vernon Jordan.

 "It's gonna come out, sooner or later. Why not find out the truth before
 we elect the man to a four-year term?" Flynt asked.
 "What we're working on now is the family; her family and her husband's family.
 All we want is for Governor Bush to tell us the simple truth."

 Flynt claims that both the New York Whore Times and the Los Angeles Whore
 Times are in hot pursuit of the woman, who now lives in Corpus Christi, Texas.

 He argues that his Bush abortion story is at least fifty times more credible than
 the silly, unfounded rumor that Clinton fathered a black child with a crack addict
 in Little Rock, and reminded Colmes's listeners that the New York Whore Times
 ran that lie above the fold on the first page "because that wild-ass claim was made
 by Matt Drudge, (a close, close, close personal friend of Rush Limb) a man who
 spoon-fed the gullible national media for two years with Clinton information
 that has been proven wrong again and again and again."

 "I," Flynt reminded, "have never made an allegation that didn't prove to be true."

 All the Sunday shows I've seen so far pretty much agree that The Lick

 screwed himself to death doing his snotty-bastard act in his debate with Hillary.
 But, right after telling the truth about The Lick, the pundits had to ridicule the idea
 that it's somehow rude to invade someone's "personal space."

 I don't know how things work in wear-a-skirt Buffalo, New York, but I guarantee
 in Oklahoma or Texas, when you invade someone's "personal space,"
 you're daring that son-of-a-bitch to push you back out of it.

 Yeah, I owned a bar for a few years.
 When you cross that line, when you "get into someone's face, "
  that's an invitation that may be your ass if you don't handle things the right way.

 In Oklahoma, when you pull a stunt like that, you should expect a beer bottle
 or pitcher upside the head to begin negotiations on how to end it.

 Old-timers remember a Jim Croce lyric that went,
 "You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind.
   You don't pull the mask off the the old Lone Ranger,
   and you don't mess around with Hillary's personal space."

 Wanna bet he doesn't pull that shit a second time?
 Hillary owes Lazio, and I'm not sure that's an envious position to be in.

 I predict in their next debate, The Lick stays where he belongs.

 On today's This Whore with Sam & Cokie, we saw a sparring session
 between the man who is wrong more often than Chippy the Chimp, George Will.

 and former Led Zeppelin attorney Danny Goldberg. I know Goldberg
 is an excellent attorney because he was responsible for containing the
 damages and lawsuits caused by "rabble-rousing" of the band.

 While Goldberg was their attorney, not a single member of Led Zeppelin
 ever spent more than a few hours in jail - he's that good.

 Representing the legal interests of Zeppelin in the seventies was almost as
 demanding as the job charged to Joe Lockhart from 1998-2000.

 George tried to get Goldberg to comdemn the freedom of ideas that flows
 between an artist or performer and the American free-enterprise marketplace.
 Every question Will asked Goldberg contained the words, "Hitler" or "cigarettes."

 As everyone but the white-power freaks know, Hitler killed millions of people,
 and cigarettes continue to kill 400,000 people a year,
 but rap records have, in themselves, never killed anybody.

 Will continued to try to pound home the point:
 "Hollywood is responsible for raising my kids - not me," Will insisted.

 Goldberg, very calmly, told George Will that his opinion was horseshit
 and they both knew it and he should get off his high horse and f-off..

(Perhaps, in the coming weeks, abc.com might provide a transcript?)

 Danny Goldberg is a very good attorney.
 That's why he was hired 27 years ago.

 Guest Editorial

 From: skunkwks@mediaone.net

 Subject: Cheney


 Found an interesting article on the NYT website about Cheney.

 Here are some highlights, and what it seems to be saying:

 "In my view Al Gore is not yet ready for the big chair," he told the
 Economic Club of Grand Rapids, Mich., on Wednesday.
 (So, vote for Smirk, at least he's ready for the job)

 He criticized Mr. Gore's economic proposals by saying that "some people
 call his plan a `Swiss cheese budget' because it has so many holes in it."
 (Bush, Rove and Barbour have all said that.)

 On Thursday in a Cleveland suburb, he accused Mr. Gore of hypocrisy for his
 stance against violence in entertainment.
 "I find it a little hard to understand how, Gore and Lieberman can go out
 publicly and castigate Hollywood and the music industry for the kinds of
 material they produce, then go to their homes and hold fund-raisers and
 schmooze with them as they collect millions of dollars."
 (You'll never hear Bush or me criticize BIG OIL.
  When WE get bought, we STAY bought)

 "You've got to keep banging away at your objectives and your message, and
  not be blown by the winds of the moment on any given issue, any given day,"
 That's what's called for here. Polls go up, polls go down. Stuff happens.
 You've got to be able to maintain your focus and keep plowing ahead."
 (The voters may want health care, but Rush, Bush and I need tax cuts)

 This week, Mr. Cheney voiced some of his frustrations with the press.
 "It's always fascinating for me to watch and see that those of us who get
 in the arena - put our names on the ballot, go out and slug it out every day
 for something we believe in - spend all of our time then being critiqued by
 people who have never been in the arena, never will get in the arena, sit in
 the bleachers and do well second-guessing what we're all about,"
 he said in Michigan, responding to a member of the Economic Club
 who had asked him about bias in the media.
 (Only candidates should be allowed to write newspaper articles)

 "It's much easier, frankly, to cover some of the trivial stuff that from time
 to time seems to dominate when we get one these feeding frenzies going.
 But it is unfortunate, I think, because what happens is it does not lead
 to informed debate and dialogue. It means you've got this huge news
 mechanism, a media mechanism, discussing trivia."
 (Why must they discuss things like our voting records and our income,
 instead of the color of Gore's suits?)

 Kerrry Wentworth

 Today's Page Two Girl is Claudia Mason

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