My good friend Joe Conason has one of his best columns
ever,
wrapping up the disgraceful charade known as "Whitewater."
You and I know it was really the "Great Clinton Cock Hunt."
Olympic-size Screw up in Australia
All week, the men and women have been complaining about the mats.
"Too hard," they're saying, in dozens of different languages.
Tonight - a Smir-kulean blunder.
After most of the women did their vaults,
and most of them fell flat on their ass,
someone finally saw the problem and cried out, "The vault
is too low."
They measured it and sure enough - the reason almost every woman
fell on her ass was the vault was more than two inches too
low!
And if you think two inches isn't that much, try running at top
speed,
then doing a cartwheel onto a springboard to begin your sommersault
into the thing that's not fucking there!
Koresh!
Then, after shattering the confidence of each woman, after planting
the seed
in their mind that all is lost, that the gold will go to someone
more deserving,
causing multiple screw-ups on the balance beam, floor exercise
and uneven bars,
they finally adjust the vault to the proper height and and offer
each woman
another chance - the moment is no longer.
After a dozen years of training, after 40 months of intensive
preparation and training
and adjusting their mental toughness and emotional readiness,
to be robbed of it
all because Gus forgot to measure the height of the goddamn vault
is almost as unfair
as what Smirk did to John McCain concerning his sister's breast
cancer.
These women put much more into this day than they would their
wedding days,
and dozens of dreams were ruined because some idiot didn't do
his job.
What a mess.
Great GOP Quotes
"This race is NOT over."
-- Howard Baker, Choco-Chief
of Staff to Reagan's two faces.
ha ha
When they start protesting, "It's not over," it's over.
How Big a Bastard is Tim
Russert?
Let's ask his hometown paper, the Buffalo News
Excerpt:
Not long into the debate, the "Meet the Press" host and Buffalo
native leveled an astonishingly cheap shot at Hillary Clinton.
Full True Story from the Buffalo News page
Today's Page Two Girl
Why is Smirk trying to kiss Oprah with his mouth open?
That's not a kiss, that's a lick!
Is everything OK with Smirk & Pickle's marriage?
Does Smirk have a sex problem of some kind?
...in addition to his mental and ethics problems?
Another Glowing Review of the Martyr's Sominal
Kinder,
Gentler Dr. Laura on TV
JOHN
CARMAN Tuesday, September 12, 2000
I tuned in to the ``Dr. Laura'' TV show yesterday
and saw a European prince sliding a diamond garter
up the leg of a seductively smiling blonde.
Oops, that was ``Guiding Light,'' just ahead of ``Dr.
Laura'' on the KPIX (Channel 5) afternoon snack cart.
But here was evidence of the Herculean task confronting
Laura Schlessinger. Imagine, degenerate men and shameless
hussies as her KPIX (Channel 5) lead-in.
Schlessinger might want to encourage KPIX to Do the Right Thing
-- a major Dr. Lauraism -- and cancel that garbage. Right now.
Dr. Laura herself debuted at 3 sharp yesterday afternoon, a couple
of hours after a protest in front of the TV station, and she can't
be accused of allowing viewers to shirk a challenge.
It was a challenge to stay awake.
I half expected a guillotine on the set, as homosexuals, faithless husbands,
negligent moms and moronic teens -- all the Dr. Laura demons -- were led
to their deaths, while she knitted and cackled off to the side.
Instead, her first show was something of a mild sedative,
a perfectly responsible hour about why teenagers shouldn't do drugs.
The rationale might be novel for contemporary TV --
``We are expressly forbidden by God to harm our bodies,
which are basically on loan from God to carry our souls through
life,''
Dr. Laura told the camera -- but the theme was familiar.
Oh, gag me with the Pigboy homage, Laura.
Schlessinger and her worldly syndicator, Paramount Television,
might have settled deliberately on a noncontroversial topic for Day 1.
Sexual affairs were held for the second program, this afternoon.
The format is a departure from Schlessinger's popular radio show.
There wasn't a telephone in sight.
``Dr. Laura'' will be a daily town meeting, with Schlessinger interviewing
guests,
working the studio audience and finally lecturing viewers.
Yesterday, there was a mom who sent her pot-smoking daughter to a Baptist
boarding school. Two cops from San Diego. A mom who pressed charges
against her pothead son. A guy demonstrating saliva swabs and other
devices for drug testing.
The show around her felt sleepy -- geez, it could have been Maury Povich
--but Schlessinger nevertheless proved that she's a dynamic host.
One of her abilities is to cut through the chaff and ask blunt questions.
She's a sharp interviewer who can divine the point and get straight to
it.
I do wish she wouldn't call teenagers ``munchkins,''
though. From the statements on their faces, the teens
in the studio audience weren't too keen on it, either.
Schlessinger ran aground once yesterday, chatting
with a 17-year- old drug user named Sharli and a
19-year-old ex-user named Anthony.
Sharli gave no indication of being a reprobate, and held her own.
Wrapping her arm around her, Dr.Laura told Sharli that she'd
one day regret smoking pot and having sex.
ha ha
Don't we all?
She wasn't making much headway, though, so
Schlessinger ordered Anthony to scold Sharli.
Anthony began with a mild reminder that, if she had her priorities in order,
Sharli might now be deciding on a college to attend.
``I've already decided,'' Sharli said.
Schlessinger soon retreated from that curious exchange and sent the show
off
to a McDonald's commercial -- followed by several for car loans,
vocational colleges, and diet pills.
Obviously Dr. Laura was on her very best behavior. She grabbed hands
and arms,
like Bobby Knight, but she wasn't menacing or buggy about it.
No, this was a gentle Dr. Laura, firm on her principles but unwilling
to chew her guests' faces. And that could be a problem.
The radio show is a hit because it gives us a churlish
Dr. Laura. She's impatient, hectoring, imperious and,
I think, often scarily neurotic. We tune in to hear her
whup her callers and expose her anger.
But the empress was fully clothed in her TV debut.
She hardly seemed worth a midday protest.
She was just another afternoon yawn.
Maybe today.
Maybe next week.
I won't like this show until I can hear the time bomb tick. ..
E-mail John Carman at
jcarman@sfchronicle.com.
Meanwhile, in Washinton state,
the "Weasel King" continues to stalk Goerge Nethercutt
for being a lying weasel when it came to keeping his word.
ha ha
Nobody does it like Betty Bowers
If you don't know, you should, that Ms. Bowers is doing
miraculous work
converting gay men and women back to the correct lifestyle -
to save their souls.
She runs B.A.S.H. which is Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals
Gay or straight, you need to check out her work.
You also should check her Interview with Eminem
Betty is so good, reading her makes me want to give up writing.
The Fourteen People Convicted in "Whitewater"
I didn't mean to ignore all the people who wrote with the list.
I need to take a course in Time Management.
We know about
01 Susan McDougal
02 Jim McDougal
03 Jim Guy Tucker and
04 Web Hubbell.
None of these convictions were for doing
anything that remotely benefitted the
Clinton's, and Hubbel was in fact convicted
of stealing from his Rose Law
Firm partners, including Hillary.
The remaining ten convictions that Robert
Ray wants us to believe
made this all worthwhile are as follows:
These five household names all testified for Starr in the McDougal Tucker trial:
05 David Hale, the crooked judge.
06 Robert Palmer - Little Rock appraiser,
pled guilty to conspriracy.
07 Christopher Wade - pled to two felonies.
08 Steven Smith - pled to a misdemeanor.
09 Larry Kuca - pled to a misdemeanor.
These two pled guilty in a case against Tucker involving his cable television business:
10 John Haley - Little Rock attorney, pled
to a misdemeanor
11 William Marks - pled to a felony
Two others pled guilty with Hale;
12 Charles Matthews, two misdemeanors and
13 Eugene Fitxhugh, one misdemeanor.
Finally,
14 Neal T. Ainley, a former banker,
pled to two misdemeanors. He testified in a case
ending in a mistrial
involving Clinton's 1990 gubernatorial campaign, a case in which
White House adviser
Bruce Lindsey was an unindicted co-conspirator.
So, it turns out the number 14 WAS accurate, but what have we learned?
A. The fact that nobody has ever heard of
these people speaks volumes.
I mean, if someone
busted nine people you've never heard of and claimed
they were part
of the case against Smirk, wouldn't you ask, "Why?"
B. Nobody in the offices of Nichols, Inhofe
or Largent had a clue.
Nobody at K-Drag GOP
headquarters had a clue.
Nobody at K-Drag ABC
TV affilaiate or KRMG local ABC radio had a clue
I'm not saying that
made them less guilty, but since the whole point of the Cock Hunt
was to find some dirt
on Clinton, what was the point of threatening these 14 people
with death in prison
if they had no connection to him?
C. ABC Carpet Cleaners of New York had as
good a chance as anybody to guess who
these "co-conspirators"
of the Clinton's were.
D. Remember, I never said the fourteen people
didn't exist, I just suspected them of
being non-existent
since they were unknown even to the people (Don Nichols)
who guaranteed
at every press conference that Hillary would be indicted.
I joined a Church
I felt so strongly about it, I paid to join.
It'd be a good idea to Click Here
Fantastic Fergie says
Get a Leg Up...
Read bartcop.com every day!
Great Hero Quotes
"After they've gathered all of the evidence,
all the documents they said they couldn't
find,
all the testimony they said they didn't
have -
I answered every question at my trial
- they still cannot
come back as men and say there is no
guilt there.
I believe Kenneth Starr to be a man
of no integrity."
-- my good friend
Susan McDougal.
I took the "World's Smallest Quiz" that's in the Top Political Sites (above)
Looks like I'm a centrist. But, considering the questions asked,
almost ANY question could be answered with "it depends."
Kathleen Willey is ANOTHER woman who's in a cold-sweat panic at
the
thought of having to make it without President Clinton's cock
in her life.
She's hired Larry Klayman to sue the president.
She's suing for custody of Clinton's cock.
She can't live without Clinton's cock - none of them can.
Linda Tripp is another one.
Paula Jones is another one.
Gennifer Flowers is another one.
They're all suing for custody of Clinton's cock.
Why can't they understand he needs his cock?
Maybe they should form the Clinton's Cock Recovery program.
They could do twelve steps - a step for every inch.
They think life without Clinton's cock just isn't worth living.
Since Klayman is a Captain in the Cock Hunt Army, she's hired
him.
I'm not sure they're doing the women's movement any favors acting
this way.
They're saying they're nothing without Clinton's cock in their
life.
They can't see a future without Clinton's cock.
Christ, that's sad.
Gore now leads Bush by 10 in new Gallup/CNN poll
The good news.
The bad news.
(sniff...)
From: Dave
Subject: Flynt's Holdup
BART:
WHEN DO YOU THINK LARRY FLYNT
WILL RELEASE THE FACTS
ABOUT THE EMPTY SUIT?
DO YOU THINK HE'S HOLDING
BACK IN CASE COKEHEAD
GETS CLOSE TOO EVEN IN THE
POLLS?
THANKS
DAVE HARRIS
PS. YOU'RE CLOSE TO 600 IN
THE POLL...#1
Dave,
Like with all the dirt that people have on Smirk,
it may not be necessary since he's self-immolating.
Go figure - Larry Flynt taking the high road :)
Newest NY poll is in
The CBS/New York Whore Times says Hillary 48% to Little Ricky's 39%.
Of course, Rush will say "that doesn't
count."
He'll call it a, "phony poll."
He'll say, "polls don't matter until
labor day."
Hey Pigboy - got a calendar?
ha ha
Then, he'll say, "Hillary doesn't even have 50%."
Yeah?
So what's that say when your boy doesn't even get 4 out of 10
votes?
Hey, Vulgarboy, can you say, "Senator Clinton?"
From: excallq@yahoo.com
Subject: X L learns not to drink and drink.
More specifically, not to drink, then decide
you want
some tequila, when the only tequila in
the house is Cuervo Gold.
Let's start from the beginning. Me
and a few friends all met at one friend's house,
we'll call him 'Frank' (it's his real name.
People who stock Cuervo don't deserve
to be protected.) for poker.
The drinks scattered around were Jack Daniels,
an excellent single malt scotch,
and a rather lame "hard lemonade" (7% vodka
is hard in the sense that miller lite is)
I stuck primarily to the scotch.
After putting a few glasses away, I decided
I wanted some tequila.
All Frank had was Jose Cuervo Especial.
He said, "No good anyway, I'm out of triple
sec."
Philistine.
ha ha
Frank may have bad taste, but he wasn't
dumb, none of us were going to be driving
that night. I said we
could get a taxi, but Frank was impatient. At one point, he asked
"How much is this 'Chicano' stuff, you're
always raving about anyway?"
Chinaco Anejo sadly runs about
$45 here, and Frank said,
"You wanna pay for a cab to go buy a forty-five
dollar bottle of tequila? Are you nuts?"
My debating skills were somewhat impaired,
so I nodded.
Franksaid, "Sit down and stop holding up
the game."
I sat down, still grumbling loudly (and
not exactly coherently) about not getting my Chinaco fix.
I think I may have said something about
"Gotta tell Bartcop about this,"
but I doubt anyone understood me.
Frank had had enough, and he stood up, grabbed the Cuervo and poured me a shot of it.
Ediotr's Note: I don't like where this story is going.
The look I gave him was about the look I'd
give someone who peed in a shotglass
and told me to drink it. (Pretty
similar, in any case).
At this point, my 'friends' found this all
funny, and chanted, 'drink drink drink'.
Peer pressure firmly in place, I picked
up the glass. The aroma of fermented corn syrup
reminded of the time a friend gave me a
whiff of a triple caramel mochacino from Starbucks.
The smell alone was enough to make my teeth
hurt.
ha ha
After finding out that even drunk, no one
falls for the "Look over there!" gag,
I swallowed an ounce ofthat disgustingly
sweet Cuervo.
Everyone else cheered, I resolved to do
penance.
Just the memory alone is turning my stomach.
Need to go raid the cabinet for a
shot of the good stuff.
X L
From: riskyschemer@hotmail.com
Subject: Bartcop Caller
I heard the call.
Rush said "Who do you think is better looking
Hillary or Rick Lazio?"
The caller said "Hillary," and Limbaugh
asked him why he thought so, to which
the caller replied "Because I'm a heterosexual
male. Go to bartcop.com."
Pretty lame.
First off, is that the best your followers
can do?
If you really wanted to bust on Rush, why
not think of something substantive to say,
or at least funny. You're always complaining
that he screens his calls so go undercover.
Secondly, why do Bartcop fans need to reassure
the world that they are heterosexual?
RiskySchemer
ha ha
It must drive you crazy that Rush can't figure out
why men find Hillary more attractive than Rick the Lick.
Tell me, who do you think is the more attractive candidate?
ha ha
There
are some nutsacks in the South, (is that redundant?) who want out.
Yes, they want out of the United States
because the US doesn't recognize slavery.
They have a petition on-line to help accomplish
their goal.
I'll sign that mother.
Click Here to help the White Power boys get out of America.
ha ha
Thanks to JennyQ1@aol.com
Guaranteed to make you cry
Odd Mail
Hello,
This is an automated email message to
let you know that
gordon.hill3@ntlworld.com
joined your bartcopfans group.
Hello,
This is an automated email message to
let you know that
gordon.hill3@ntlworld.com
unsubscribed from your bartcopfans group.
ha ha
I didn't know there was a bartcopfans group.
But I know it won't be the same without Gordon...
I heard an ugly rumor about Smirk.
As you know, we don't print unsubstatiated rumors here at bartcop.com
The rumor was that Smirk won't allow black women to wear pants
on his plane.
Sounds outrageous, right?
That's why I refused to print this scurrillous rumor-mongering
charge,
until I got this photo in today's mail from Ken
Taylor.
So, the ugly rumor is true!
Condoleezza Rice has to put briefing books on her lap to cover
her modesty.
I think all women's groups should be totally outraged.
They should protest this neanderthal-type behavior by Smirky
the Hitcher.
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