Since Gore's post-Democratic convention bounce, "Our side's been doing pretty well,"
 Clinton said with a chuckle. "And their side's had a few problems."

 The President is telling the truth.

 "Respect our opponents," he cautioned his crowd.
 "They're good people. ...we have honest differences,"
 

 The President is lying.

 ha ha

 Back in the Saddle

 I haven't gotten in any good court time since early 1998.
 They switched the rules (actually, some pissy old man, Judge Mefford
 woke up one day and changed the law in his feeble, old mind) and he
 said I could no longer sue people because, well, it's a legal thing.

 I remember that day because I bit my tongue.
 I almost told the judge he had his facts wrong, but I much prefer going
 home to BartCop Manor and Mrs. BartCop instead of going to jail.

 But now, in my new job, that rule no longer applies.

 So today I went to the K-Drag county courthouse and filed an affidavit
 against some unlucky buck who's going up against Ol' BartCop in court!

 ha ha

 Feels good, ...feels clean, ...feels right!.
 I gotta sharpen up for Whimsey's lawyer, who wants a piece of me.

 ha ha

 Great News - sort of...

 Remember that trip to Washington I took in 1998?
 I got the first half posted,
 then stuff came up and I never got to finish it...

 Well, I just found my notes - they were online all this time!
 Who would've thought to look there?
 I thought it was lost when the hard-drive failed.

 I'm not saying it's going to be any good, but I'll try to finish it this weekend.

 By the way...

 The stock market closed UP 80 points (pardon my frank language)
 so a big giant fuck you to ABC Whore News for trying to SCARE UP a story.

 ABC - thy name is whore.

 Remember, you can't trust ABC News.  Say it after me,
 "You can't trust ABC News.
  You can't trust ABC News.
  You can't trust ABC News.
  You can't trust ABC News.
  You can't trust ABC News."

  Why?

  Because they are whores.

 Man of the Week

 From:  val4522@hotmail.com

 Subject: It was me

 Hey Bartcop!

 I'm the guy who made the call to Pigboy's show Wednesday afternoon.
 I would've written sooner, but I just got back from my vacation in Florida.

 If I had been at home when I called, I would've had tape rolling, but
 unfortunately I wasn't. When he said he wouldn't be screening calls on the
 Hillary vs. Lazio question, I figured I'd give it a shot.

 Much to my surprise (and surely much to Pigboy's chagrin), I got through on
 my first try! I'm guessing that Pigboy won't be taking unscreened calls again
 any time soon. I wanted to ask him why he's such a Lying Nazi Whore, but I
 figured that remark wouldn't have made it past the 7 second delay! lol

 ha ha

 The funniest thing about the call to me was that later in the show, Pigboy
 tried to pretend that the call never happened. If you were listening near
 the end of the third hour, you heard Rush say that so far, nobody has said
 that Hillary is better looking.

 What a shock, huh?

 After the next commercial break, though, he did admit that there had been one
 vote for the most beautiful first lady of all time. I guess he figured that even the
 most loyal ditto monkey didn't have a memory short enough to forget
 something that just happened 45 minutes earlier in the show.

 Since your new-car-for-mentioning-bartcop.com-on-Pigboy's-show offer
 is not retroactive, can I at least get a shot of Chinaco Anejo? I hope somebody
 is able to find an audio file of the call, because I'd love to have it!

 Take care, and keep up the good work!
 Patrick
 Atlanta, GA
 

 Patrick!

 Shot of Chinaco Anejo for Patrick!
 You did good.

 I liked the hint of sarcasm in your voice when he asked you why
 you'd perfer a smart, beautiful woman over Rick Lazio and you said,
 "As a heterosexual man, I like women."

 ha ha

 I think that confused Herr Pigboy.
 By the way, did you know Rush only has one testicle?

 ha ha

 Speaking of one testicle,
 there's a new picture up on the home BartCop page.

 Thanks, Patrick, for advancing the "BartCop agenda."

 A shot of Chinaco for Partrick!

 Mystery Quote

 "It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods
   or no god.  It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."

  Now - who said that?
  Thomas Jefferson or Ol' BartCop?

  ha ha

 I remember when I went to Monticello in 1998. The obvious ditto-ette giving the tour
 asked what we thought Jefferson's greatest architectural achievement was
 and I raised my hand and said, "The Wall between Church and State."

 ha ha

 That pissed her off and she cut the tour loose after that.
 

  Thanks to Brandon Sutherland

  Stroke Me, Stroke Me

 "Did you hear what Committee Dan Chairman said today?"

 ha ha

 Pigboy - take your medicine!

 I know it's wrong to make fun of the stroke-impaired,
 but he deserves it, he really does.

...for the archives, thanks to JennyQ

 Great Pigboy Quotes

"We know how to find oil.
  We know how to drill for oil.
  We know how to pump it out of the ground, but we can't,
  because of Algore and his wacko-environmentalist buddies."
 

 As McLaughlin would say, ...WRONG!

 Sure, we know how to pull oil out of the ground - at $30 a barrel!
 It would take 2-3 years for oil companies to assemble enough personnel and
 equipment to start a drilling operation. By the time they're ready, a barrel of
 oil might be selling for $20, so what should they do, Rush?

 Pump a few million barrels a week?

 Let's see... 4,000,000 barrels, losing ten dollars a barrel is a net loss
 of only $40,000,000 each and every week, you syphillitic moron!

 Oil is a commodity, Numbnuts!!   The price skips around like
 Matt Drudge at an American Egg Board Association convention!

 Butt,

 You know what would solve this problem. Rush?
 Socialized oil!

 Yes, capitalism is what's causing the price of oil to fluctuate!

 If the government set the cost of a barrel of oil, preventing OPEC from
 under-cutting us when we open up our wells, the oil producers would know
 they might actually realize a profit and we could tell OPEC to fuck off!

 But we don't want to do that!
 That's too damn expensive.

 It would guarantee a permanant increase in the price of oil,
 and all the non-morons knew that twenty years ago, Your Pigness.

 Final note:
 Smirk has no chance at all of getting any votes from the civilized states,
 so he has the "courage" to tell MA, NY, NJ and CT to go straight to hell.

 It's part of his "I'm a uniter, not a divider" persona.

 Great Compassionate Quotes

 "Screw you."
   -- The vulgar Pigboy, first hour, telling the northeast to fuck off since
       they're worried about the high price of home heating oil this winter.

 Have you heard the She-Thing's new slogan?

 "No excuses, just answers."

 Hey, Harpy!
 Remember this?

 Remember what you did when these pictures surfaced?
 (Let me remind everyone that I had absolutely nothing to do with it!)
 (cough!)

 First, you sent your spokesmen out to lie that it wasn't you!
 (Sounds a lot like what Clinton did, doesn't it?)

 Dumbslut, did you forget that people have eyes?

 Then, when you filed court papers saying you were the legal owner of these pictures
 (Stupid move, Laura.  Who was your attorney? Larry Klayman? (ha ha)
 Then, when you were confronted with the evidence that you claimed in court papers
 that you were the nasty skank-ho in the photos, what was your excuse?

 Remember what your excuse was when you got caught?

 Remember, Laura?

 You said you were "only 29" when you spread your legs for that camera, and people
 "don't  really mature until they're 30," so it was just a youthful indescretion, remember?
 What a pile of horseshit!

 Then you blamed it on a lack of religion.

 So, let's look at the toteboard:
 1. First, you said "Those pictures aren't of me."
 2. Then, you claimed you owned the tacky photos of whoever the nasty skank-ho was.
 3. Then, you claimed you shouldn't be held responsible for your actions as an adult
     because you were only 29 when you straddled that camera lens,
 4. Then, you claimed it was godlessness that forced you to do it.
      You called it "secular self-centeredness," or something like that.

 Funny, I'm as religion-free an an Eskimo boy can be, but there aren't any pictures
 of Ol' BartCop spreading his legs for a camera, so maybe religion isn't the reason.

 So why are you trying to give us some horseshit about, "No excuses?"

 You and the vulgar Pigboy are the King and Queen of shit-for-brains excuses.
 Grow up, Laura!

 ...slut...

 William Shatner told the Associated press that he never uses Priceline.com

 Why?

 "I always fly first class."

 Hardly a day goes by when some spank doesn't write to say "bad" language
 is the crutch used by people with small minds and people who can't write.
( Well, technically both apply to me.)

 But here's one of the greats, pitching a bitch:

 From:  christian06@earthlink.net

 Subject: Angry Mark Twain

 Here's a letter Mark Twain wrote to the local gas company when they
 shut off his service in the middle of winter without notifying him first:

 Hartford, February 12, 1891

 Dear Sirs:

 Some day you will move me almost to the verge of irritation by your
 chuckle-headed Goddamned fashion of shutting your Goddamned gas off
 without giving any notice to your Goddamned parishioners.

 Several times you have come within an ace of smothering half of this
 household in their beds and blowing up the other half by this idiotic,
 not to say criminal, custom of yours.  And it has happened again to-day.

 Haven't you a telephone?

 Ys
 SL Clemens

 ha ha

 That was from Christian Mitchell (NY-Pillar)

 Our old friend Dick Morris (R-Back-stabber) is complaining that Bill and Hillary
 sometimes invite friends and contributors to White House dinners or to stay
 overnight at the Lincoln Bedroom or Camp david.

 Hey, Dick!

 I have a question:

 Have YOU ever been to a White House dinner?
 This is such a horseshit issue, I can't believe the Democrats can't shut it down.

 One of my favorite quotes of all time came from Harold Ickes when he testified
 before some idiot Republicans who didn't realize that Ickes doesn't roll over for
 every asshole with a "R" behind his name.

 Sen Dominici of New Mexico was grilling Ickes:

 Dominici: Is it true you allowed friends of the president on Air Force One?

 Ickes: No, Sir!  We only invited our worst enemies to fly on Air Force One!

 Dominci: Why, I... I...

 ha ha

 Go, Harold!
 Use the big hammer!

 And, of cousre, the whores of the press know they can write about this non-story
 instead of getting off their lazy asses and doing some real work for a living.

 There are so many topics that I wish a ditt-spank would challenge me on.
 This is one of 'em.

 Show me a president who did NOT have friends over to stay the night in
 the Lincoln Bedroom and I'll prove they were president before Lincoln.

 Great TV Quotes

 "I'm not embarrassed about anything on television,
  with the exception of 'Dr. Laura,' "
   -- Garth Ancier, president of NBC's entertainment unit.

 Hatred in Christ's Name

 Full Hateful Story

 Excerpt:
 "Our founders expected that Christianity -- and no other religion -- would receive
  support from the government as long as that support did not violate peoples'
  consciences and their right to worship,'' said the Family Research Council,
  a leading advocacy group for promoting some religiuons over others.

 Reminder:
 Under BartCop-ism, there would be real freedom of religion,
 none of this "Our insanity is real so screw your insanity," bullshit.
 

 'Dr. Laura' Show Halts Production
 The Associated Press   Sept. 22, 2000

 LOS ANGELES  Dr. Laura Schlessinger's new television show is ailing.

 The "Dr. Laura" syndicated talk show has drawn low ratings and protests from
 gay activists, and now production has been stopped for a week, officials said
 Show spokeswoman Linda Lipman said the move was part of a pre-planned hiatus.
 But it is surprising because the show premiered only last week.

 ha ha
 Yeah, all shows go on haitus after two weeks.

 The break will give Paramount a chance to retool the daytime show,
 according to Friday's Los Angeles Times and the New York Post.

 The 53-year-old (but tlooks 73) Harpy, who first gained a wide following with her
 radio call-in advice show, has been roundly criticized by gay activists for her comments
 on homosexuality, which she has termed "deviant" and "a biological error."

 Advocates have pressured several sponsors from advertising on the show.
 Procter & Gamble, one of the nation's largest advertisers, pulled ads from Harpy's
 radio program in May and dropped plans to advertise on the television show.
 Paramount and its stations have been forced to sell advertising time at discount rates.

 Critics of the television show claim that Schlessinger has been too tame and has been
 attempting to avoid controversial topics. Lipman said that "all parties will be very happy"
 after new episodes that begin taping late next week are broadcast.

 LPHB

 There she goes again.
 Laura the Martyr, having to outwit her enemies, the enemies of goodness!

 "They are trying to shut me down.
  They want me off the air.
  But they can't come after me directly, because that would be politically incorrect,
  so they're going after Howard Stern to use as a cover in their plan to get me.
  They don't mind Howard Stern on the air, but they have to pretend they're going
  after him and me to get me off the air."

 lying, paranoid harpy bitch

 This Just In...

 Reports are coming in that courts in England have ordered that those Siamese twin
 girls be separated to ensure the survival of the one with the heart and lungs.

 This is the only possible, logical solution to a no-win situation.

 It's nice to see science and logic win one over religious fanaticism.

 Indulge me for a moment, would you?
 I want to tell you about something I saw on the Olympic coverage Wednesday.

 Sidebar:
 I meant to write about it yesterday, but I've been so busy lately I haven't had time to
 read the paper, and that's no good so from now on I'm going to read my USA Today
 before I open the mail so maybe things will get back on track.

 I don't know Smirk about women's swimming, but apparently Misty Hyman is
 a good swimmer. She's not the best, tho. When she lined up to compete in the
 200-meter butterfly, the announcers told us she didn't have a chance because
 the greatest lady swimmer in the world, Susie O'Neill, was in that race.

 Susie O'Neill, known in swimming circles as "Madame Butterfly," was so dominant
 in this sport, they called it "the Susie stroke" - whatever it is that they do to win this race.
 Besides Susie, the second greatest swimmer in the world, Petria Thomas, was there, too,
 and then there was little Misty Hyman from Stanford.

 NBC, bless their greedy hearts, did something right.
 The placed a camera right next to the time clock.

 Somehow, this Misty Hyman girl swam the race of her life Wednesday.
 Well, actually it was Tuesday, because the time changes made, ...fuck it.

 So she finishes the race, and the announcers are going ape-shit, screaming,
 "This is the biggest upset in Olympic history," Swear to Koresh.
 I imagine they meant, "the biggest upset in Olympic women's 200-butterfly history,"
 but I don't know Dole about the history of women's swimming, so I'll trust them.

 Here comes the good part:

 Not only am I an exceptional lip-reader, I read faces pretty good, too.
 When Misty finished kicking Aussie butt, first thing she did was surface
 and hear the crowd going ape-shit. She knew something had happened,
 but she was underwater when it occured so she was searching for a clue.

 The first thing she did was look at the clock or the scoreboard, whatever it's called,
 and you could tell she was having trouble finding her name. She was looking in the
 middle of the pack of names and couldn't find hers.
 All this time, remember, NBC had a close-up of her face filling the screen.
 You could see the confusion on her face, wondering where her name was on the scoreboard.

 Then her eyes focused and she found her name at the damn top!
 She'd won this race!

 I forget what the seven stages of grief are.
 But it starts with disbelief, then goes to denial, then anger, then something else.
 That's what her face was doing.

 She saw her name at the top of the list and immediately told herself that that couldn't
 be right because the goddesses of swimming were in the race with her, and her face
 told me she thought there'd been some kind of mistake.

 Then she looked around and saw the Americans screaming and hopping around
 like they were from Kansas City, and it started to dawn on her what she'd done.
 She looked to the left and to the right - I suppose she was looking for someone
 to pinch her, because she was having trouble accepting what here eyes and ears
 were telling had just happened.

 As the seconds ticked by, it slowly started to sink in.
 Looking right into the camera, first she said, "Oh, my..." then she said, "Oh, my God!"
 She had just beaten the top two swimmers in the world and set an Olympic record!!
 She started bouncing up and down in the water in a fit of pure joy.

 Seconds later, the other swimmers swam up for a hug, and Misty was all alone
 as the premier 200-Butterfly swimmer in the whole world
 It would've been cool to hear her scream, "Top of the world, Ma!"

 Misty, left, staring at the scoreboard, wondering why her name is on top.

 That look on her face - priceless.
 Her buddy seems pretty excited, too.
 Eventually, her eyes and ears overruled her brain and convinced her she'd actually won

 Then, the reward for her years of work:
 Clutching the gold medal while they played our national anthem.

 Misty, I hope you get to go on Letterman's show or Leno's show so you get to hear
 some good old-fashioned American appreciation for doing the impossible.

 In closing, (applause) I just thought it was nice to see an amateur have her moment.
 She's not some pampered professional million-dollar athlete who gets paid to win.
 She's just a kid from Stanford who almost gave up swimming in 1998 and 1999.
 Maybe they should change that name to, "The Misty Stroke."

 A shot of Chinaco Anejo for you, Misty.

 So I wake up this morning and I'm slapped in the face by the slimeballs who work
 for ABC Whore News.  First thing I heard was the local K-Drag AM station rushing us
 to New York for a special LIVE update on the "uncertain situation confronting American
 families who have their savings in the stock market."

 Jesus, I was scared for a second.
 Then some morons comes on and breathlessly informs us that the Dow is down 120.
 What a hose job!

 ABC Whore News, grubbing for a half of a ratings point, (maybe their book closes today)
 is scaring the more-stupid-than-BartCop people (there are many) by whoring some
 "emergency" that doesn't exist.

 I don't care if the stock market falls 300 points, it'll go up 350 tomorow,
 so why, besides the fact that they're whores, bother scaring people that way?

 Trust me, it was much worse than I'm making it out to be, too. Instead of their usual,
 "Hello, this is the news, we're ABC News, more people gete their news from ABC News
 than any other source - ABC News, the more trusted name in news - ABC News, here's
 the ABC News time and here's the ABC News temperature......." and on and on...

 No, we didn't get ANY of that.
 They went to New York like the World Trade Center had been bombed again.
 Then this breathless moron,

 Sidebar:
( I wish I'd discovered the wrod "breathless" years ago.
 "Breathless" is the best word I've ever heard to describe sell-out whores like
 Backdoor Bettina Gregory, or Candy Crowley, or these other "newsbabes" who got
 all wet explaining the ins-and-outs of Clinton's cock.
 "Breathless" perfectly describes that shit-eating tone in their voice where they let you know
 they can't stand how excited they are to be breaking the "earth-shattering" news about
 Clinton's cock or, in this case, the stock market "crash" that doesn't even exist.)

 ...tells us that the Dow is off 130 points.

 B.F.D, ABC

 That's why I like getting my news from Voltai29@geocities.com

 Volt is nobody's whore.

 Read  Previous Issue

 Go to  bartcop.com