Volume 280 - Fall Colours

 September 28, 2000

 Fastest Woman in the World (by far) Does it Again

 You see those seven figures chasing that first one?
 Those are the fastest women on the planet, chasingMarion Jones.
 Why are they so far behind her?

 And if Marion Jones is that much faster than any other woman,
 and did not set a world's record, what does that mean?

 Are today's runners slower than yesterdays?
 That hardly seems possible, with better training, better medicine, better diet
 and a computerized exercise regimen that ptomotes maximum performance.
 What's up with that?

 My girl Cathy Freeman was in that race, and lost to the champ.
 She was a good sport about it, too.

 It's tons o' fun watching Marion move thru space.
 I hope she makes money from this.

 They say she's so fast,
 when she turns the light switch off at night,
 she's in bed before the room gets dark.


 Martin Sheen in New Anti - Bush Ad

 WASHINGTON (AP) -- In a new TV ad, a pretend president weighs into a real-live campaign.
 And like his character, Martin Sheen is siding with the Democrats.

 Handgun Control Inc. is spending about a half million dollars to air a new campaign commercial
 featuring Sheen talking about Republican George W. Bush's record on gun control.

 "Should the next president be the candidate of the gun lobby?'' Sheen asks, speaking
 to the camera with an American flag filling the background. ``Should he have signed a bill
 that allows hidden handguns in churches, hospitals and amusement parks?''

 "That's Governor Bush's record,'' says Sheen, who plays President Bartlett
 on NBC's 'The West Wing,' (season premier Wednesday)

 Handgun Control approached Sheen about taping the ad after his brother, Joe Estevez,
 did a voiceover for a gun industry commercial. The brothers have similar voices, and Sheen
 accused the industry of trying to deceive viewers into thinking it was him.

 Remember that commercial than ran every half-hour during Nazi-Con 2000?
 From Volume 236 - Missed Opportunities


 Here's some gun-nut commercial, where this prick is ripping apart
 Old Glory because he can't buy 1,000 unregistered Mac-10's.
 CNN aired that commercial, the whores.

 They have the reputation of being Clinton's Network but in truth,
 they're just whores running screw-the-flag commercials for money.

 Each time that commercial came on, I thought, "That sounds like Martin Sheen."
 Looks like his brother is a dishonest ditto-monkey who agreed to mislead people
 into thinking Sheen was really a Second Amendment nut.

 Thank you for doing that commercial, Martin.
 And good luck surviving that shooting Wednesday night.


 I am so naive.
 During Gore's convention speech, I kept urging him to use the "big hammer," which is,
 "If you women want to reatin control of your bodies, you better get involved."

 Looking back, there was no need for Gore to hardly mention freedom of choice
 because he knew Clinton and the FDA were going to put RU-486 on the front page
 of every paper in the country and make it a major campaign issue.

 As always, Smirk is screwed.
 If comes out heavy against 486, he'll lose whatever female vote he's getting.
 If he has no opinion or, Koresh forbid, he thinks women can make decisions concerning
 their uterus without any heavy-handed intervention from the federal government.
 Smirk and Rush and the others CLAIM they want the people to be free,
 but this is just another example of them lying about that.

 The second-last thing Smirk wants right now is an abortion debate.
 The last thing he needs is a photo of his cocaine mug shot to surface.

 Rush is right about one thing, tho.
 To some degree, Clinton is running Gore's campaign,
 another reason why he has no chance of losing.

 Anna Nicole Smith

 Everybody knows she made a deal with the old, rich guy.
 He lived the last years of his life in her bosom and she deserves some money.

 That California judge awarded her $450,000,000 that the family says she'll never see,
 so why not pay her three percent of that, $13,000,000 and she will have earned about
 1 million-plus a year baby-sitting for the old dude.

 He apparently didn't think enough of her to protect her,
 and she was an idiot not to have anything in writing,
 so pay the girl and everybody goes on with their lives.

 Today's Page Two Girl is C. T. Smith

 Click  Here

 Laura Caught Like a Rat!
   Laura's hiring 'Ringers' because the audience hates her Nazi ass.

  As if Dr. Laura doesn't have enough problems, here comes another scandal:
  a report of paid ringers in her audience.

  It's a matter of record that Laura's TV show has been plagued by difficulties.
  First came the protests from gay and lesbian groups, then poor ratings right out
  of the box, followed by sponsors leaving in droves.

  Now comes a charge that Schlessinger's producers have been hiring actors to
  sit in the audience and ask the right questions at the right time.

  One of those alleged ringers, Kenny DeFinis, says he "worked" five "Dr. Laura" tapings
  during the show's first three weeks of production. (The show began taping in July.)

  Jeff Norman, a columnist for Z.com, was in  the audience during one of the days that
  DeFinis was there and spoke with him. In the interview, DeFinis estimated that 80% of
  Schlessinger's audience members were paid to be there, and that up to 40% of them
  were actors like himself.

  I don't want to sound like a Nazi Pigboy, but didn't we have this story a month ago?
  I remember an e-mail that said they had to film her show in secret, because they were
  afraid gays might make a fuss. And it follows that if you're taping in secret, you'd need
  to hire people because you couldn't tell anyone where the show was.

  Poor lying Laura.
  When they dump her, she'll say she was "too busy" to do both TV and radio.

 Now here's something you'll really like:

 Click  Here

 Paul Begala Shoots the Bull

 The people running the Bush campaign are friends of mine.
 They are decent and talented people, and skilled professionals.
 But at the end of the day every campaign takes on the characteristics of the candidate.
 And this campaign is panicking under pressure because the candidate can't take the heat.

 W has never had a hard day in his life -- he went to the finest schools despite the fact
 that he was a sorry student; he got rich despite the fact that he was an utter failure
 as a businessman; he became governor despite the fact that he can't string two
 coherent sentences together.  So no wonder he thinks life is a cakewalk.

 But running for President is not a cakewalk, and every time Bush has been
 under pressure  thus far in this campaign, he's done something stupid or slimy.

 When Gore and Smirk debate, should Gore insist
 Smirk not have any listening devices in his ear?

 I have no doubt Smirk could pass for partially-intelligent if
 he has someone feeding him answers thru his "hearing aid."

 His receivers look like this:

 No Cheating!

 The Exorcist

 These days, it's getting harder and harder to tell who's kidding
 and who's merely a nut in need of psychiatric help.

 Click  Here

 Sent in by the Last Liberal

 At the Hangin' With Fred page, you can read Smirk's acceptance speeech
 from Nazi-Con 2000 with Fred correcting Smirk's many mistakes.

 I wished I'd found this earlier.

 Rush just said if you subscribe to his re-tread, re-hash of a newsletter,
 and memorize his article called, "How to win an argument with a liberal every time,"
 you'll never lose another debate with a liberal.

 Could one of you ditto-monkeys memorize that article, then trap me?

 ha ha

 I'm really looking forward to that...

 PS. If you BUY the subscription right away, he'll send you a FREE bumper sticker that says,
 "Algore is a risky scheme."

 Could life be any better for a ditto-monkey?

 How proud you'll be with a bumber-sticker that tells everyone
 that Rush the vulgar Pigboy does your thinking for you.

 Question for you code-writers:

 I found these lines buried deep in "The Latest."
 They were taking up about 25K of space.
 Can anybody tell me what they are?


 pr(){d.write("<img src="\"http://u0.extreme-dm.com",


 "rs="+r+"&l="+escape(d.referrer)+"\" height=1 ",


 <script language="javascript1.2"><!--



 <script language="javascript"><!--


 There was vast amounts of space between each line,
 turning a 52K issue into a 77K issue.  Any ideas?

 I must be vigilant about sabotage
 Powerful forces want the truth suppressed!

 The New TV Season

 As soon as the Olympics is over (Sunday) we have all-new TV everywhere!
 By the way, I predict the Closing Ceremony will be hueueueuege.
 Let's take a look at the shows we haven't seen and decide what we like:


 Can't beat Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football.
 The worse the game is, the bigger canvas Miller has.
 Must See TV.

 King of Queens, Love Raymond and Becker.
 Gag me.
 They say Romano's good, but I'm bearish on him since his White House flub.

 Yes Dear
 This is my pick for "Worst show on the Big Three."
 The description of the pilot of this show is so stomach-churning,
 the CDC recommends reading it if you accidentally swallow rat poison.

 Family Law.
 Don't laugh. When Tony Danza did The Practice, he was damn good.
 I didn't think he could act, but I bought his slimeball-lawyer performance all day.
 I won't watch it, but it might be a good show.

 Brought to us by the braintrusts behind Shabbily Susan and Veronica's Mistake.
 Na Ga Da
 Besides, any show that sings its promos doesn't want viewers.

 They say it's Malcolm in the Middle without the laughs.

 BINGO! Oliver Platt can do comedy, drama, anything he wants.
 He's a crime-solving, crusading reporter, the rarest of breeds, a non-whore.
 Also stars Judas Maximus's girlfriend Lilith.
 This is Must See TV.

 Boston Public,
 You can't bet against David E. Kelley on anything.
 Plus they have Fyvysh Finkle back.
 Must See TV

 This one is being billed as Sex in the City, without the sex.
 Do you get the feeling all the studio heads have their wife's brother
 picking which shows to green light and which ones to dump?
 I think Chippy the Chimp could bat at least .500,

 Can any network boast that good of an average?


 The Geena Davis Show,
 No letters - please!
 Geena Davis is a 1 on the babe scale,
 a 1 on the comedy scale,
 a 1 on the acting scale and she gets
 a 1 for "Worst promos in all of TV history."
 Trust me, the first season of  The BartCop Comedy Show will be so much better
 than this Geena Davis disaster. This might stay on the air, tho, because it follows
 the popular-but-laughless Dharma and Greg.

 The Michael Richards Show.
 I like Kramer just fine, but this dog won't hunt.
 Maybe you heard, the first version was so bad they fired everybody and hired
 new relatives and a new boss and new neighbors in an attempt to make this work.
 What did they do wrong?
 They should've had "Kramer" inherit a detective agency. Instead, he's going to
 pretend he's NOT Kramer, and we'll all know he is, and this show will suck.
 Not as bad as the Geena Davis Show, but it'll suck.

 This is  David Allen Grier's new show - get it?
 I like DAG, but he has Delta Burke as a co-star.
 Koresh help me, I get the feeling DAG will be playing Steppinfetchit on this show
 and that's not good. Let's all hope I'm completely wrong about that.

 Dark Angel,  Requires a visual.

 Meet Jessica Alba.
 She might not be the sexiest girl in the world, but she's the sexiest girl in the world
 who's starring in a new science-fiction thriller by James Cameron, who brought us
 The Terminator, Aliens, Titanic, The Abyss, etc etc etc

 BartCop's vote?
 Must See TV
 This has a moody, Batman One feel about it.
 Cameron knows what he's doing, the babe factor proves that.
 Insiders say, "It's no bullshit. This is one cool-ass show."


 Gideon's Crossing,
 Must See TV, Instant Hit, Breakout show.
 Andre Brougher is probably the best actor on television,
 and one of the best actors woirking today, period.
 The doctor thing should work all day long. I don't see how it can miss,
 except that it's up against the fabulous Angie Harmon on Law & Order.
 May sell a lot of VCRs.

 Bette Midler, the Hillary-hating, Giuliani contributor won't be seen at BartCop Manor.
 Don't get me wrong - if it was good, I'd watch it, but it'll suck

 Welcome to New York,
 This one has Christine Baranski, everybody's most favorite drunk since the Arthur movies
 of the Reagan-binge 80's, but I don't think there's a future for this show.
 Both Bette and Welcome are up against Millionaire and Titans, which we'll get to in a minute.

 Spin City
 This show is kinda new this year. I don't know how the chemistry will be between
 Charlie Sheen and Heather Locklear, but their promos have been spectacular.
 Charlie Sheen, unable to get the promo right because he's too busy trying to tell
 the audience about his cocaine and hooker days, was a stroke of genius.
 As bad as the promos for Geena Davis were,
 that's how good the promos for Spin City have been.

 Law & Order,
 This year they have a new boss. Adam Schiff left to run for Congress against Jim Rogan,
 the cock-grabbing House manager prick. Taking his place is Diane Weist, who everybody
 knows but can't say from where. Did you know Law & Order was renewed for FIVE years?
 That's a TV first.

 Angie Harmon has a fine supporting cast, too.
 Lenny is The Man!

 This necrotic canker sore is so bad, they're selling it as trash. Aaron Spelling tried to
 re-create Dallas and Dynasty but it turned so horribly sour, they're billing it as, "Shit you'll like."
 I am not kidding.
 This one stars Yasmeen Bleeth, as the masturbatory direct object.

 ...but it gets waaaay worse than that.
 In the first show, her lover, the son of Mr. Big who's played by Perry King,
 comes home to discover she's marrying his Daddy instead,
 so his lover is now his mother, ...and Joe Lieberman is right.
 This is sick.

 But, men will watch flies lay eggs if it's on Yasmeen Bleeth, so expect a hit.
 Add to that, former (say it with me - "former") Babe-of-the-Decade Victoria Principal,

 ...is also in this infected stinker. Spelling thinks if he adds Principal to his new "90210,"
 that somehow elevates it to the glamour heyday in the 80's. Trouble is, it's not the 80's,
 it's twenty years after, and one look at Victoria's face proves that.

 West Wing, not a new show, but how 'bout that TWO-HOUR opener Wednesday?
 Promos show Otter all nervous about something, but I doubt the Prez was hit.
 I say the lady SS agent, for sure, and maybe a Toby or a Josh, not a Charlie or a Sam.
 The second-best show on TV will be back in less than a week.

 Normal Ohio,
 Stock in this show should sell for six cents a share.
 I like John Goodman and I support gays rights, but I don't support John Goodman
 as a gay man trying to make me laugh. Maybe I'm wrong, and that'd be a nice surprise.
 You just know during sweeps he's going to want to kiss a man, which will
 start a whoooole 'nother Murphy Brown "crisis," and I'm just not up for it.

 The Street,
 This show has credibility, they say, because it guest stars Jenny Garth.
  ...like she had somewhere else to be...

 Star Trek - Voyager,
 While not a new show, it's a good show in it's final season.
 Wouldn't it be nice if they rewarded the loyal fans who stuck with them
 a plotline where Voyager gets back to Earth and their loved ones on the last show?
 Quality-wise, it was ST-TNG, then Classic, the Voyager, then Deep Space.
 Koresh - give them lucky stars to guide their ship at night, and, at least once,
 they should let Janeway have an orgasm that's not Holodeck-generated.


 Whose Line is it?
 This old show gets older every week. Can't stand English humor. So what to they do?
 Expand it to an hour.  Koresh, I'd rather see another episode of Regis.
 This show is as funny as crib death, and when someone complains and says,
 this show is worse than Saved by the Bell," they reply,
 "Hey! We don't have a script!
  How can you expect us to be funny when we don't even have a script?"

 City of Angels,
 This show could go either way.  Bochco is the boss, so it'll be top quality.
 Stars my good friend Kyle Secor, from Homicide. (I need to finish my DC story.)
 But it's up against Millionaire and Will You Shoot Me.
 Tough spot.

 Cursed, a needs-to-be-flushed-latrine show starring Chris Eliot, recycled Caroline in the City
 alums and the always perfect Wings boy himself, Steven Weber. Just like NBC to give this
 train wreck the killer time slot between Friends and Will You Shoot Me.
 If the BartCop Comedy Show was on between Friends and Will You Shoot Me,
 it would be in the top ten, but nooooooooooooooooo.
 NBC gathers four certified sitcom-losers to burn the bridge between two good shows.

 Gilmore Girls, This is about a 32 year-old mother and her 16 year-old daughter.
 The daughter is the smarter, more mature of the two. Sounds great, right?
 All they need now is Vicki Lawrence to play the grandmother.


 The Trouble with Normal,
 The only way this show could look any worse was if it starred Judd Nelson.
 It's about four weirdos who can't made a move without their shrink, starring Jon Cryer
 and others who must have pictures of the studio bosses with hookers or donkeys.

 Madigan Men,  I dunno, don't have a good feeling about it.
 It's looks sorta OK, but Gabriel Byrne as funnyboy?
 Nothing is dog-eat-dog like TV.
 Can it survive? I predict an early exit.

 The Fugitive,
 Sorry, been there, done that - twice.
 Tim Daly searching for the one-armed man who killed his wife?
 (Isn't he the guy who played Koresh in the 1993 movie?)
 Use the Internet, Tim.
 That, or team up with OJ.
 (Hey, there's an idea.  The O.J. Simpson Show!)
 To make things worse, it co-stars Mykelti Williamson - and I don't eat shrimp.

 Yes! This is a forensic whodunnit set in Las Vegas.
 Starring William Petersen and Marg Helgenberger, both of whom can act, this show
 will show the crime in flashbacks changing each time they find another clue.
 Sounds too intelligent for TV, but I have high hopes for it.
 Every TV season should have at least one show set in Las Vegas, but they'll
 screw this up if they spend the whole hour in the lab. They need to be in the
 casinos and chasing hookers and hit men to make this show work.

 Freakylinks, This is a show about a guy with a web page who debunks urban legends,
 done by the creators of the X-Files and Blair Witch Project. Trouble is, when Fox saw
 the show, they told the creators it was "too scary" and told them to "fix it," and make it
 more mainstream. The producers said "fuck that" and abandone the project, so now
 FOX has turned their art into a McCheeseburger. You gotta love the suits at FOX.

 Law & Order SUV
 Munch has a new partner, Ice-T.
 I like Ice-T, or maybe it's Ice Cube that I like,
 but either way that show needs some color.

 Freedom is Red Dawn, 2000. I don't know about you, but I thought Red Dawn was
 the funniest movie of the 1980's. Any script that has the Russians teamed up with Mexico
 to push their way past the state of Texas to meet the Ruskies in Colorado needs to be
 reminded that there are 80,000,000 guns in the State of Smirk.
 If Freedom makes the same mistake, it may be worth watching really drunk.

 Grosse Point, I saw the premier and it sucked bad. This is a parody show about 90210.
 Just like with Freakylinks, they say this was a killer show, but WB made the producers
 take out all the funny parts because Aaron Spelling promised to throw a fit.
 The only fun thing was watching the snarling bitch play Shannen Doherty's part.

 Level 9, is another show where the compu-geeks fight crime. I've seen lots of movies and
 TV shows about the www, but it just doesn't transfer well. It's no fun watching a guy look
 at his monitor on the TV screen, but UPN is desperate for something - anything.

 Hey, UPN!
 Why not look on the real Internet for some, ...Oh, I dunno, ...say some political comedyboy
 and give him a half million to see if he can do a show better than the hopeless swill you guys
 are churning out every six weeks. I'm not saying it would be any better, but I can damn sure
 guarantee it won't be any worse than the crap you're losing millions on now.
 Make me a tequila-drinking crime boss (with a heart of gold ) in Vegas who runs an exclusive
 call-girl operation staffed with former playmates and I'll give you a show that'll make people say,
 "Survivor who?"

 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

 The good news?
 This time around, Sabrina is all grown up.
 The bad news?
 Her mother produces the show.
 "On my daughter's show, they'll be no drugs and no sex."
 So it'll suck, Mom.


 You see these two girls?
 One of them is pissed as hell that the other girl is so much better-looking.
 If you have a clue, let me know.


 The District, starring Craig T. Nelson.
 Nelson may have played a goof as "Coach," but I've seen his real work
 and I'll bet this police drama will be a good one.
 Nelson is the Chief of Police in DC (The District, get it?)

 That's Life,
 Dunno, doesn't look promising.
 Stars Heather Paige Kent and Debi Mazar.
 Will it make it 13 weeks?
 By the way, since we already have a Fran Drescher in show business,
 how did Debi Mazar break in?
 Is there room on TV for two women who need adenoidectomies?


 We have a new X-Files this year, ...sniff.
 Terminator II morphs his way into Mulder's spot.
 This time, Scully is the believer and Termie is more grounded than the Concorde.
 Duchovny's in only half the shows, but who knows?
 Maybe it'll work...
 I mean, M.A.S.H. survived losing McLean Stevenson, right?


 Very few new shows on Sunday, and only one worth mentioning.
 Seems like NBC is putting half their promo eggs in the Ed basket.
 It's from David Letterman's company, and Dave helped write the pilot.
 They swear this is a good show, but they didn't Swear to Koresh.
 Those who've seen it say it's another Northern Exposure.
 There were two great reasons to watch Northern Exposure.

 Let's hope Ed is half as good as NoEx in their prime.

 Maybe mid-season we'll check the predictions and see if I got close.
 As long as Genna Davis and Bette get cancelled, I'll claim victory.


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