Volume 281 - Moving Targets

 September 29, 2000

 Great HBO Quotes

 "If Bush had a black friend,
   he'd be on his shoulder like a mother-fucking parrot."
    -- Chris Rock, ...currently the King,  9/2900

 Have you seen the new ad from the Smirk campaign?
 First they run this picture...

  ...then they say "Smirk is lookin' for victory."

 That shit creeped me out.

 Today's Page Two Girl's husband can't act.

 Click  Here


 No, Sir,
 I'm not Troy Aikman,
 and that's not a "spirit capturin' machine."

 Murder in Christ's Name

 Is Oklahoma Rep Tom Coburn (R-Jesus Twin) guilty of conspiracy to commit murder?
 I think he is.

 He promised legislation calling for severe limits on which doctors could administer the abortion pill.
 Coburn wants every doctor who prescribes the pill to be a "certfied abortionist."

 The reason?

 So when Coburn's "pro-life" allies put a bullet in the doctor's back, then can say,
 "That's not murder. It was self-defense. He was a 'certified' abortionist."

 You see how they are?

 They're itching to put a bullet in someone's back, but they're willing to take the time
 to be sure they don't accidentally murder someone who's not certified.

 That's compassion

 Doctor Laura, your first ratings book has come in...

 ha ha

 Thanks to Ross at patch@bytehead.com

 Speaking of hating gays, BrainSmasher sent this:


 From: excallq@yahoo.com

 Subject: Tales of Chinaco


 I'd like to pretend I discovered Chinaco Anejo through exhaustive research
 of the super premiums, but I'd be spinning like Pigboy after election day.
 I heard about it from here.

 I've been reading RL-LNW forever.  I think I found it sometime in the summer of '96,
 but it was back when you were on the ctyme.com URL.

 Before RL-LNW, I was one of the uneducated masses who thought tequila was the
 nastiest thing since the Harpy's foray into NC-17 photography.

 ha ha

 (Ok, I'll stop with the Millerizing now.) I didn't like margaritas,
 and who could possibly want a second shot of Cuervo?

 So after reading about Chinaco (sometime around issue 150 I think) I thought,
 "Well, he was right about Grey Goose.  Maybe I should give this stuff a shot"
 (no pun intended.)

 I put it off a bit, figured I try it out at New Year's Party, so if it didn't fly,
 there'd be plenty of other drinks to fall back on.

 The party gets going, Happy New Millennium, etc. It's getting closer to midnight,
 and I've only had a few drinks, (if I was forced to testify, I'd guess one was brandy,
 one was Jack & Coke, and another was scotch.  I think that might be a good guess...maybe)
 so I say 'what the hell?' and break out the Chinaco.

 First thing I'm doing is frowning at the plastic and saying,
 "What the fuck am I suppose to do, tear this off with my teeth?"
 After getting it open, I pour a shot into a tall thin 2 oz Hard Rock Cafe shotglass.

 The first thing I notice is the smell.  Rather than the rotten corn syrup smell of Cuervo,
 it smells like desert flowers.  I took a tiny sip and was amazed.
 Smooth as the best Cognac,
 and when I swallowed I could feel the heat in my mouth and my throat.

 I thought, "Damn" and figured I had to get the rest down at once, see how that went.
 After I drank the shot, I sat there for about 15 seconds with my eyes closed, stunned.

 I yelled "DAMN!" and someone else replied, "No kidding, that Vodka's fucking great, innit?"
 (I'd introduced him to Grey Goose about a week before)
 He was a drink behind, but a bright guy.
 He sat down and said, "You been following politics lately?"

 I hadn't, hadn't even been keeping up with RL-LNW.
 He said, "Gore's probably going to be running about George Bush Jr."

 I nodded, and as an afterthought, said, "Who?"
 (At this point I couldn't even remember my own state's Governor, let alone Texas')

 He said, "Bush Jr.  Governor of Texas."

 I said, "Oh.  He's like his dad right, war veteran,
 went to an Ivy league school, bunch of CIA buddies?"

 He said, "Uh, not exactly.  During Vietnam he served in the Texas Air National Guard,"
 (well ok, he didn't actually serve so much as hang around, but this was before that came out)
 "he had a 'gentleman's C' average at Yale, and is covering up a past of cocaine use."

 I said, "Damn.  He was a success in business though, right?"

 He said, "Uh, not exactly.  He couldn't find oil in Texas and he traded Sammy Sosa away.
 Under him, polluters write their own environmental laws, and his state ranks worst
 in health care and impoverished children."

 I nodded and said, "How's he come off on TV?"

 My perceptive friend said, "Think Quayle with a smirk and less brains."

 At this point I had a flash of insight.  Clear as day, it cut through every ounce of alcohol
 in my  bloodstream.  I realized then and there that...Gore couldn't lose.

 Twenty seconds before midnight, I yelled "SHOT OF CHINACO!"

 ha ha

 I love a good Chinaco story,
 and I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

 Today in History

 On Sept. 29, 1978: John Paul I was found dead in his Vatican apartment just
 one month after he was installed as pope of the Roman Catholic Church.

 For more details, see Godfather III

 Pigboy is attacking Gore for a "flip-flop" because, His Oinkness claims,
 Gore once wrote that "abortion is arguably the taking of a human life."

 That's a true statement.
 Toi me, that means Gore sees both sides of the issue, like I do.

 It's like saying "Smirk is arguably a decent candidate."
 You see?
 That's a true statement.

 Of course, we all know he's Cotton Candy, but a ditto-monkey might
 make the claim that Smirk is a decent candidate, so arguably he IS!

 The shit Pigboy gets away with is really something.

 Because he has no balls, because he doesn't have the courage to debate,
 because he refuses to share the mic with those who disagree, the typical ditto-spank
 gets his "news" from Rush and then "thinks" funny about the issues from then on.

 Rush, if you would ever come out from behind your Momma's skirt,
 you'd see that there's a real world out here with real people in it
 and your fantasyland would immediately crash and burn.

 In a microcosm, we have  bartcop.com, which exists in the real world,
 and we have rushonline.com, which exists only in Rush's fantasy world.
 The coward that runs rushonline.com can't debate any more than Rush can.
 so he hides in his own world where Rush in King.

 I encourage and enjoy a spirted debate.
 I'd shoot myself if I was surrounded by BartCop dittoheads who mistakenly
 took me for some damn "king" of something, and the only way I could continue
 the charade was to hide and pretend, printing only the praise mail and deleting
 all the challenges from people smarter than me.

 But Rush and his sheep must delude themselves with make-believe.
 Isn't that sad/sick/funny?

 The little sheep, grabbing each other's ass with "dittoes," confident that they are right,
 almost confident to the point of taking their beliefs to the real world, but not quite.

 I wonder,
 do you think as the months and years go by, that coward, (either one)
 will ever agree to debate someone like me, an ADD liberal with an IQ of 64?

 Koresh, if they can't whip me in a debate, you'd better stay away from
 Joe Conason, Susan McDougal, Barry Lynn, James Carville, Joe Kennedy etc etc

 But in Rush's world,
 he and the coward of rushonline.com are "undefeated."

 Dr. Watson and Tamara Baker team up to discover the truth about
 the stolen debate-prep videotape that was mailed to the Gore Campaign.

 Smirk says the traitor is not in his camp.
 So, that means he's giving copies of the videotape to people not in his camp.
 Pretty stupid, Smirk.
 If you get elected, ha ha, would you be as careful with our military secrets?

 But now, here's something well-written:

 Click  Here for AMPOL's excellent version.

 Click  Here for the version your kids will read in the year 2030.

 From: stevew@galleriapublishing.com

 Subject: The Exorcist

 Hey Bartcop,

 I think that you may be a year or two older than me, so you might can remember better.
 If I recall right before the movie The Exorcist came out, there was talk in the media of
 someone being possessed. Have you heard? They are re-releasing the Exorcist in a
 few weeks, all cleaned up and digitally enhanced.
 Think Time has any interest in that movie?


 Steve, if I get the correct drift, it was a lot worse than that.
 When the Exorcist originally came out, there were dozens of mentally-imbalanced
 (read religious) people who thought they were possessed. Several killed themselves.
 people were jumping out of windows, trying to thwart The Evil One.
 Dozens went to psychiatrists, hoping for a science-based cure. It was quite a sensation.

 It may have been the only time in my life that I'd done this, but I went into that movie
 totally cold - I didn't read a single review. I knew it was about an exorcism,
 but that was just a hard-to-spell Catholic word until the theater got dark.

 I was in the first showing the first day in Fayettenam, Arkansas.
 I'll never forget that.
 After the first full-out encounter with Reagan, I mean Regan, the audience felt
 such a goddamn sense of relief they applauded. I'm really old, and I've only been
 in one theater crowd in my life when people applauded because a scene had ended.
 It was like passengers applauding the pilot for landing a plane after a harrowing flight.

 Surely, everyone reading this has seen the movie, but the shock of seeing Reagan stabbing
 her bloody vagina with the crucifix, screaming, "Let Jesus fuck you," then forcing her mother
 to perform oral sex on her was something even non-Catholics would never forget.

 Looking back, they say The Exorcist could never be made today.
 These days, people say "South Park" is outrageous - ha ha

 As far as part two of your question - Does TIME Whore Magazine have an interest
 in the movie? - it's a safe bet they do.  TIME is owned by Time-Warner, which owns everything,
 which is owned by AOL which, curiously, is partly owned byOl' BartCop!

 Great Republican Quotes

 "Sometimes when people get caught with their pants down,
  they get caught with their pants down."

  Laura the Spread-legged, final sentence, final hour, Sept 29 broadcast

  Really, Laura?
  I'm not sure I believe that.

  Can you provide any examples?

 You think the Catholics are tough on discipline?

 They're creampuffs compared to what Smirk has been thru.
 Harder than Damascus Steel - Smirk is no sissyboy.

 Click  Here

 Is the Smirk Campaign Paying Bill Bradley?
 Or is Bradley giving it away?

 Click  Here

 From: Hades976@aol.com

 Yo Bartcop,

 You asked for more? You got it. Listen to this fat,  bloated, brainless, dickless
 (hey, 3 wives no kids? it isn't the woman's fault!)  cocksucker act fucking GLEEFUL
 while "Born Free" plays, along with animal shreiking and the assorted war type sounds.

 I suppose macrocephallic cocksucker cant attack anyone that would fight back.
(Well, then again, he wouldnt fight back much if someone pushing him into the lion pit)


 PS- Im working on getting the Feminazi update, it'll likely take a couple days.
 I have some of it, but it isnt complete yet.

 Click  Here  (1 meg download)

 All the really sick bastards - Smirk, Pigboy, Dahmer, love killing animals.
 Yet, the super-Christians like Papax7 worship them.


 As my Vegas fever builds, I anticipate trying this XQ Anejo.

 Has anyone tried this?
 $75 a bottle.

 If you plan on buying the LA She-Thing's new book - I forget the name
 - you want to skip this part because I'm going to give away her big secret.

 I just heard her promo for the first time.
 She says her new book explains how the American family is "in duress,"
 and in her book she promises to reveal who is leading the assault.


 The whore is trying to make more money, because she can't hardly get by
 on the $72,000,000 they paid for her show or the $12,000,000 they pay her
 each year to keep the circus going, or on her other books or on the two million
 Paramount gave her aborted TV show, so she wrote this book tp raise cash.

 And if you're writing a book to sell to uneducated, brain-dead ditto-monkeys,
 and the have a surprise villain in the book who's harming our children,
 who would sell more books to the thinking impaired than,

  ...Anton, I need a drum roll, please,

 ...Hillary Clinton?

 ...ain't nothing to it, folks.

 Pigboy Attacks Des Moines Woman
 "She's a Hobo," whales the vulgar Pigboy

 Click  Here

 The LA She-Thing just played "Happy Together" between mangles,
 and sang along with it so out-of-tune I got an ear infection..

 Flo and Eddie, wherever they are, must be gasping for breath...

 Actor Richard Mulligan dies at 67

 LOS ANGELES (AP) - Actor Richard Mulligan, who won Emmys in the sitcoms "Soap" and
 "Empty Nest," has died at age 67. Mulligan died after a battle with cancer.

 Mulligan played lovable working-class screwball Burt Campbell - stepfather to Billy Crystal's
 gay character - on "Soap."  He won an Emmy for the role in 1980.

 You younger kids won't remember this great show - "Soap."
 Truly groundbreaking, it had the first gay character on TV, I think.

 Soap was the fastest half-hour on television.
 You'd start watching and it would be over in what seemed like five minutes.

 Remember when Burt was kidnapped by Aliens?
 And the sex-crazed alien took his place and really liked sex with his wife?

 Remember "Bob," the puppet?
 Remember the time all the men got drunk and left "Bob" to pay the bill?

 ...those were the days,

 Nothing like starting Friday morning with tales of lesbians.
 Funny thing is, this tale was written by Lynn Cheney.

 Elaine Showalter, an English professor at Princeton University, was browsing a
 used-book stall in Paris in the early 1990's when she came upon an astonishing
 find: an Old West romance, replete with whorehouses, lesbian affairs and
 attempted rapes, written by an author whose name was familiar.

 Dr. Showalter had stumbled across an old and obscure novel by Lynne Cheney,
 who until recently was known mainly for her tenure as the conservative chair
 of the National Endowment of the Humanities and as a crusader against American
 educational decline, multiculturalism and relativism. These days, she is best known
 for giving her husband three heart attacks with her constant harping.
 Did I mention that her husband is Dick Cheney?

 The book, entitled "Sisters," was printed in 1981 only in a Signet Canadian
 paperback, Dr. Showalter said, and is now extremely hard to find.

 In the typically hyperbolic language of romance novels, the book's jacket
 promises the tale of Sophie Dymond, a beautiful, strong-willed widow who
 leaves New York to investigate her sister's death in Wyoming, and finds
 herself in a world "where wives were led to despise the marriage act and
 prostitutes pandered to husbands' hungers . . . where the relationship between
 women and men became a kind of guerrilla warfare in which women were forced to
 band together for the strength they needed and at times for the love they wanted."

 ha ha
 Lynn harpy Cheney, writing a touching story about lesbians?
 What about the children? The childreN?

 This week, in a scholarly review published in the Chronicle of Higher Education,
 Dr. Showalter discussed what she considered some of the more surprising aspects of
 "Sisters," from its open-minded attitudes toward feminism penned by an outspoken
 opponent of women's studies programs to its deliciously Gothic plot elements.

 Mrs. Cheney's brief biography on the official Bush campaign Web site lists
 only two books to her credit: a history of the House of Representatives she
 wrote with her husband, and "Telling the Truth," which argues that political
 correctness is breaking down America's morality.

 She has also written two other novels, "Executive Privilege" in 1979 and "The
 Body Politic," which was written with Victor Gold in 1988 and concerns the
 wife of a dead vice president.

 But it is "Sisters" that dominates Dr. Showalter's review; she said the book
 struck her in part because of the use it made of work by several feminist
 historians. It showed knowledge of their work, and also sympathy for
 19th-century women's advocates, she said.

 In an interview this week, Mrs. Cheney said she wrote the book while her
 husband was running for Congress and said her goal was "to write a thriller
 set in the 19th- century West."

 But she had another goal too. "In the 1970's feminists did important work
 recovering women's history," she said. "I tried to do some of that myself."

 In the book, Sophie Dymond is described as a successful magazine publisher so
 savvy and strong- minded she carries about a little lacquer box of
 contraceptives. She goes to Cheyenne, Wyo., in 1886 to find out how her sister
 Helen had died. As Dr. Showalter writes, Sophie comes upon a group of women
 who are convinced of female moral superiority and the value of powerful
 woman-to-woman bonds of friendship, and she comes to understand their
 grievances even as she rejects their "lesbian ardor."

 Whew! It's getting warm in here,
 ha ha

 In one passage Dr. Showalter pointed out, Sophie watches two women embrace in
 a wagon. "She saw that the women in the cart had a passionate, loving intimacy
 forever closed to her. How strong it made them. What comfort it gave."

 What really struck her, Dr. Showalter said, was that Mrs. Cheney "approaches
 these issues in a very open-minded way, and a way very sympathetic to the women
 and very sympathetic to the feminist arguments."   But those qualities apparently did
 not appeal much to the book buyers of the early 80's.

 "I think `Sisters' sold about 500 copies," Mrs. Cheney said.
 "I hope the renewed interest in it will send it flying off the shelves."

 ha ha

 No, Lynn, we're just going to buy one book and pass it around and talk about how
 you used lesbian sex, whorehouses and attempted rapes to spice up your dull writing.
 The only way this could be better is if the cowboys tie a prostitute between
 two horses and have them pull her in two like Smirk does in his movies.

 I think your husband calls that "pandering" and "filth."

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