Volume 307 - One Tree Hill

 October 25, 2000
 Editor's Note: Vandals recently destroyed the tree on One Tree Hill in New Zealand

 Outgoing Mail

 To: http://www.zogby.com/contact/

 Dear Mr. Zogby.

 Is it true you accept money from some campaigns to skew the results?
 Rush says you're the best, but how can you be the best if you accept
 money from one campaign to say they're winning when they're losing?

 Are you a Christian, too?


 I am so jealous!

 I just got back from K-Drag International Airport, picking up my boss.
 He just spent a torturous loooong weekend in Vegas.
 It was one of those ugly ordeals where his wif'e company paid for everything.
 There was a mix-up in booking, so they had to spend the first two days at
 Treasure Island, then they moved to The Venetian.

 He said the rooms at The Venetian are hueueueuege.
 He said the food was excellent, too.
 I asked him where he ate and he said at the Taqueria Cononita


 Taqueria Cononita is where I'd like to end my life.
 Yes, if all goes well, if my eventual death comes as planned,
 I'll be on a bartsool at Taqueria Cononita sipping on a smooth shot
 the Herradura El Supremo at $25 a copy, and I will have run up hueueueuge bill
 just before I fall deader than Smirk's chances of being president.

 I asked him if he had any cocktails at the Taqueria Cononita, and he
 said he did. He said he had their five dollar margarita with his Mexican dinner.

 <heavy Gore-sized sigh>

 You don't go to the Playboy mansion to ask Paula Jones for a date.
 You don't go to the Republican National Convention and choose Smirk.
 Here he is at Tequila Ground Zero, drinking Jose Cuervo Extra Gagging.
 He could've had the Chinaco Anejo.
 He could've had the Casta Weber Azul.
 He could've had the Casa Nobles
 He could've had the Lapiz Anejo.

 But no.

 My mouth is watering...
 Oh, no - I'm getting Vegas Fever again!

October 25 2000 at 12:30 AM
                                  (login birdcage)
I know I said that I was going to respond in 48 hours to your challenge
but I forgot that will be attending church service on Wednesday night.
Recently we received a proposed wager on the forum that bartcop.com
host on it's liberal socialist site.   The individual who goes by the name
of Sal Sagev set down this following proposal to THE BIRD.

"In case you missed it, I have proposed a challenge to Bird. Essentially the terms are:
If Gore wins, he posts positive things about Gore, Democrats, and
liberals on his site (birdbath.com) for one month, then he takes his site
down forever. Then he apologizes for being an asshole.
If Bush wins, I'll create and post a Bird Tribute website. My offer is legit.
It's not a trick. I'll create a real tribute site in his honor.
So far, Bird has responded but has not accepted the challenge.
Instead, he went off on another one of his trademark hate-filled rants.
Then he ran away from my challenge.

C'mon Chicken. You KNOW you're going to lose dont ya?"
The Bird responded with strong  NO and he again persisted.  That's
these guys problems, they don't listen.  There's no way I'm going to give
up my site if Al Gore wins. It's not that I think he will win but who knows-
I'm not a betting man.

The following day I did a little research on Bartcops website and found
that they only own the .com domain for their website.  I smiled at this
rare opportunity and quickly bought .net and .org and put up a Flash
Promo for my site.  So you bartheads out there, not only will I not
accept your wager for the upcoming election, I will also own
www.bartcop.net and .org for the next 2 years and continue the fight
against liberalism/socialism wherever it rears it's ugly head.

In addition, during the next two weeks I will be establishing partnerships
with THE VAST RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY website and all of it's
affiliates to promote www.bartcop.net and THE BIRD CAGE.
Think it's unfair?
You brought it upon yourselves.


Founder and editor of THE BIRD CAGE


Note: The flash may take a minute to load. Please be patient

You can't do that!
I am the only legitimate BartCop on the internet, and I'll stop you!
You're in serious legal trouble now.
You're messing with the wrong person, pal!
I'll hire lawyers or do whatever it takes to stop you!

ha ha

This has to be a gag, right?
Is that you, Artie?

You can't convince me that there's a ditto-monkey out there,
who is so taken with the "success" of  bartcop.com  that he spent
$150 to purchase some similar domain names?

ha ha

Have I ever been more flattered?
Does this mean I've "made it?"

Koresh, I was impressed when Skirtboy sent me $40 to buy some Chinaco.
Now there's a ditto-monkey who's so enamored with  bartcop.com  that he's
willing to spend $150 for some nearly-similar domain names for...for...

ha ha

Why did he do this?

I've had stalkers before, (currently three - three are dormant)
but this Bird fella is the first one to get out his wallet.

You know, Mr. Bird, if you ever get in a band, I'll bet the name
"The Deatles" is available and you could scoop that name right up!

If you wanted to open a restaurant, I'll bet "Durger King" is available.
You could build motorcycles and call them "Darley Havidson's."
You could make shoes with a swoosh on them and call them "Dike."
You could produce a soft drink and register the name, "Doca Cola."

ha ha

Does "close" count in domain names?

What's the point?
When I got my dot.com Perkel asked if I wanted to spent another $150
and register bartcop.net and bartcop.org, and I said no,
because nobody uses those domain extensions unless they're forced to.

That's why they're called dot.coms, instead of dot.nets or dot.orgs.
Did Bird spend that $150 to get a mention in bartcop.com?
I wonder if he's related to that guy at  rushonline.com?

If you remember, I offered to kick his ass for free, but noooooooooooo.
Some people don't think they can be happy unless they pay for it.
If Bird craves attention that badly, why didn't he send me some e-mail?
Skirtboy got several mentions and I even ran his picture - all for $40.

This must be a trick.
This must be some liberal who wants a column or something.

Does that Bird fella think people will forget  bartcop.com  and go to
bartcop.net and stay there because they can't tell it's not the real thing?

ha ha

I'd be a lot more upset if I heard Bird had been to the Venetian and had a drink
at the Taqueria Cononita. Then I would be pissed.

Bottom line - do I give a fuck of some wannabes want to pretend?
I offer to kick his ass for free, yet he spends the money.
Yep, he's a Republican...

The offer to debate still stands, tho...
I'd really enjoy debating a fella with his own web page.
Well, maybe not his own - but one he paid for.

 I miss Newt, don't you?
 Politics was so much fun with Clinton always kicking his scumbag ass.

 ha ha

 Snoot, are you cheating on wife Number Three yet?

 From: jhardin@sbc-adv.com

 Subject: Reposado vs. Anejo


 So, I was in Cleveland last night.
 No, I'm O.K.

 ha ha

 After slaving for my corporate masters, the corporate masters took us out to
 dinner @ the Hard Rock Café. When I realized that they were ponying up for drinks,
 I asked waiter-boy if they had any luxury tequilas.

 "I don't know, what are you looking for?" he sez.
 I tell him Chinaco Anejo, and we walk over to his register where he proceeds to look up
 the tequila listing. Sure enough, there's a Chinaco, and I order a 2 ounce pour for $5.

 (damn good price)

 He brings it to the table with a couple of limes and says something to the effect that the
 bartender recommended the limes. I shrug it off and proceeded to sip the stuff.
 Hmm. Not bad, not bad.

 While this beverage had the astringent sting of any high-alcoholic-content liquor,
 it didn't have that bitter, nauseating aftertaste I've come to associate with Cuervo.
 There were even some dry, fruity notes in there ( I was looking for papaya,
 but didn't really taste it). On the whole, it wasn't bad, but not really worthy of the  makes-the-birds-to-sing-and-the-sun-to-shine praise that you give it.

 When waiter-boy comes back, I shout over the music to ask him whether this was
 Chinaco Anejo or some other variation. After a minute he comes back and tells me
 it's the Reposado "the special reserve." They don't have the Anejo, but they did have
 the Chinaco Sauza, if I wanted to try it. I declined. I'm primed for the Anejo.
 Lucky for me, I'm going to Las Vegas this December, and I plan on making a beeline
 to the Venetian. I'll turn in a report then.

 John W. Hardin

 John, two things:
 Early this summer, I did my first shot of Chinaco Silver.
 I was not impresssed. If I hadn't paid $6 for it, I would've left it on the table.
 The Chinaco Anejo is the one you want, the one you need.

 When you going?
 Maybe I'll meet you there...cause I gots the Fever!

 ha ha

 I already miss Clinton.
 Oh, well, we got to see The Master for 8 glorious years.
 Imagine, getting hummers from the White House interns and STILL leaving
 office with a higher approval rating that that big spender Red-In Reagan.

 From:  stephen.sacco@mvbms.com

 Subject: Frasier...

 Professor Bartcop,

 ...No, I didn't see Fraiser.

 I might not know whether or not God exist,
 but I do know he/she loves NEW YORK BASEBALL.

 Still your friend,

 Stephen, my poor, misguided friend.
 Baseball is over, the season has passed.

 But I'm happy for you that you think you're seeing games in New York.
 Wish I could do that with rock concerts and tequila...

 Stroke Me, Stroke Me

"In 1992 and 1996, my instincts told me we were going to lose.
  I don't feel that way this time."

 Vulgar Pigboy, you're either having another on-air stroke,
 or you're admitting you lied to your sheep back in 1992 and 1996.

 You never once said, "My instincts tell me we are going to lose."
 You're a lying piggy nazi, Rush.

 You never once admitted the truth to the easily-led.
 I heard every show you did - both years - and you never once said that.

 Why don't your idiot sheep remember you lying to them then?
 Are they so without independent thought that they can't recall?

 ha ha

 I remember in 1992, you had a phone in poll, remember Rush?
 This was when you stole the hundreds of thousands of dollars
 from the Toys for Tots program.

 You promised to give 90 cents FOR EVERY CALL you received.
 You told your sheep you got "hundreds of thousands" of calls,
 yet those Tots never got a fucking balloon from you - theif!

 But I'm looking at your other sins right now.
 When you announced the results of your phoney, sheep-only poll,
 you had Bush beating Clinton 91 percent to 7 percent, and you said,
 "Gee, it's more of a landslide than even I thought."

 ...and the sheep bought it!!!

 YOU told them they were going to win.
 You lied.

 (As I'm typing this, Rush just said, "Ladies and Dentalmen."
  Marta, this is your fault. Help your husband!!
  It's our first ever Stroke Me, Stroke Me inside a Stroke Me, Stroke Me)

 In 1996, remember how you lied on the radio?
 You said all the liberals "are in abject panic" over the upcoming loss.
 Remember that, Rush?

 ...and now, four years later, you CONFESS to these idiots who believe you
 that your instincts told you old Bob Dole was headed to the glue factory?

 It's too damn bad there's not a conservative web site that takes questions,
 or I'd make them eat this Rushlie, too.
 Isn't it funny how my position is so much different than Rush's?

 He won't ALLOW any dissenting opinions,
 and I can't FIND any dissenting opinions.

 That's because we've got this election won, and the ditto-monkeys know
 they're screwed again, so they're hiding behind their momma's skirts,
 waiting for Rush to save them - but he can't.

 Rush's dream is coming true: Another Democratic Administration
 for him to rant on and lie about, therefore ensuring Gore's second term.

 No matter what, keep this in mind:
 We haven't lost since Rush became the spokesman for the Republican Party.

 How do you spell "Goodbye?"
   by someone using the name "Paramount Insider"

"Insiders at Paramount Studios, frustrated that their $20 million dollar investment
 in the Doc Screech program has failed to attract advertisers and viewers, are
 rushing ahead with the Caroline Raye program to fill the coveted afternoon time slot.

 Executives speaking on the promise of anonymity are telling sources that employees
 of Paramount are furious and embarrassed by the studio's monolythic support of Screech.
 Some employees have threatened to resign if the program isn't cancelled.

 As of 10/23/00, it looks like the Harpy's program will be off the air by Christmas,
 making the holiday season especially happy for millions of people."


 2 Funny 4 Words

 Click  Here

 ha ha

 Smirk wouldn't lie.
 Would he?

 ha ha

 I sent some e-mail to Michael Moore

 To: mmflint@aol.com

 Subject: Question for Mike

 If you are successful at electing President Bush,
 will you start a new career or just join the Republicans?


 Anyone know if Michael reads his e-mail?

 The Texas Video Massacre

 Click  Here

 Zogby - Caught Taking Bribes?
 No wonder he's Pigboy's favorite.
 Zogby can "get things done" instead of reporting trends.

 Zogby takes cash to predict last-minute victories for the GOP,
 hoping to persuade last-minute brain-deads.

 Click  Here  for the on-line version

 Click  Here  for the forever version.

 Did you see Frasier last night?

 It was as good as I hoped.
 Can you believe this excellent show is now in it's eighth year?

 The funniest scene of the night was Niles, Frasier and Dad in the coffeeshop
 waiting for Mel to arrive. Niles was hyperventalating at the realization that
 Mel was late, because she's never late. Then he had to lean over to let some
 blood run to his head and hit his head on the table coming back up.

 On paper, that looks like nothing, but the talent of the actors made it work.
 Niles should win best supporting every year.

 Also, this was almost as funny - during the first commercial break for Frasier,
 NBC did a promo for tonight's block of shows. Here's what NBC said:

 "Tomorrow night on NBC - Tightens, West Wing and Law & Order.
   TWO great dramas."

 ha ha

 When was the last time a network told the truth?
 Partial confession - Mrs. BartCop likes Tightens, so I write while it's on.
 I saw a scene last week where the entire family was having dinner, and the
 snotty, Republican son said something so catty and vicious about Yasmine Bleeth
 that she threw her entire drink in his face. They must've done a dozen takes,
 because she got all twelve ounces right between his eyes.

 Anyway, after she does that, Yasmine storms out of the room while the
 Hitler youth feigned surprise, so what did Daddy do?
 What did the Blake Carrington/Jock Ewing character do?
 He have the Hitler youth a sour look and chased after Yasmine!

 Now, if you're having dinner at BartCop Manor, and you say something
 to Mrs. BartCop that puts her in the position of dousing you with her drink,
 I'm going to launch and there's going to be genuine trouble (unless you're
 built like Howie Long) in which case I'll have some stern words for you!

 ha ha

 The idea that this super-rich, billionaire empoire-builder would sit idly by
 while his new wife was insulted was just one of the hundreds of Laura-sized
 gaping holes in this terribly-set up "drama."

 But then, I consider it the silly cartoon before the feature film of the night,
 and I understand the women like the show, so what the hell.

 By the way,

 TONIGHT on West Wing, Bartlet hires a Republican screeching bitch.
 Tomorrow, let's try to figure out who they meant to hint at the most.
 Will she be Barbara Olsen or Kellyanne Fitzpatrick?
 In the previews, shes kinda cute, so that would rule out almost all the Hitlerettes
 we know, but WW will probably make her real-life counterpart recognizable.

 Also - in the USA Today, TV Critic Robert Bianco says this:

 The West Wing gains a new cast member, Emily Proctor, who joins the
 staff as a conservative Republican lawyer. As long as she doesn't stop
 Martin Sheen's President Bartlet from making extraneous but highly
 enjoyable attacks on Dr Laura - as he did last week - we'll give her
 the benefit of the doubt.

 Last thing - after last week's show, someone sent me a URL for transcripts of
 West Wing episodes. Like with the Laura/Pigboy audio archives, I was unable
 to get any of the transcripts to come up.  If anyone knows where West Wing
 transcripts are archives, could you let me know? But only if they work :)

 This Just In...

 After seeing yesterday's published list of possible Smirk appointees,
 Randy Weaver, Bo Gritz and Mancow are furious they weren't listed.

 Surely, posts can be found for these patriots...

 Our own Tamara Baker strikes a blow for freedom

 Click  Here

 From:  randall_guyton@yahoo.com

 Subject: Yes, it is.

 "The one thing the nuns taught me that stuck was the math. If Gore loses by 3 percent,
 and Nader gets 5 percent, Nader will have been the best friend Big Oil,
 Big Business and Big Pollution ever had."

 "Is that even arguable?"

 Yes, it is BartCop.

 I respect your intent to highlight the differences between Bush and Gore.
 I agree that electing Bush to the Presidency would be a disaster.
 But I feel as if you consistently attack Nader unfairly.

 Is it Nader's fault that...
 Is it Nader's fault that...
 Is it Nader's fault that...

 As much as I hate to say it, this nitwit nation deserves this rich-boy fumblebum as president.
 If it makes you feel any better, after I vote Nader for president I will vote a straight Democratic ticket.

 And don't start with some nonsense about a "Vanity Campaign". That's horse-pucky.
 This is America...a Democracy. Any talk of limiting parties, such as asking Nader to pull out,
 is more fascist and insulting than most anything Pigboy would say.

 Wake up BartCop!

 Opposite Lock

 As a long-time veteran of bartcop.com I have no desire to attack you,
 but you were asked to argue with the math, not Gore's performance.
 The math speaks for itself.

 If Smirk wins by a smaller margin than Nader siphons off,
 the Nader voters will have elected Smirk.
 You can "interpret" that any way you choose, but fax is fax.

 Any talk of limiting parties, such as asking Nader to pull out,
 is more fascist and insulting than most anything Pigboy would say.

 I'll bet you'd like to reword that sentence. Asking Nader to stop helping Smirk
 is not "more fascist" than most anything Pigboy would say. But I understand.
 passion sometimes makes one say things that are ...incorrect.

 Theoretically, you may cast the vote that inflicts President Smirk on us.
 That doesn't give you pause?

 Also, you might want to read the above article.
 Nader is quoted is saying he could vote for Bush.
 Your ally seems to have the enemy as his ally.

 ha ha

 Thanks to whoever did this.
 My mail doesn't connect attachments with the sender...

 I forgot

 I was in court Friday morning, the hour the She-Thing had her first chance
 to react to the ass-kicking she got from President Bartlet.

 Was there any reaction from her?

 Paula Jones on Larry King

 "Larry, I haven't worked in ten years.
  I'm a single mother with two little boys.
  When I need money, I spread my legs for whoever writes a check.
  How can that be wrong when my boys want to go to college?
  By the way, I'm voting for George Bush."
   -- Paula, the abondoned slut.

 Can you imagine
 the shit she would catch
 from the likes of Doc Screech
 from the likes of the vulgar Pigboy
 from the likes of Reverend Bill Bennett
 from the likes of the horse molester Paul Harvey
 if she didn't have an "R," behind her name?

 And to bend over backwards to be fair,
 if she was an attractive, shapely young woman
 you could argue it was "art" to exhibit the female form in all it's beauty.
 But this is Paula Jones, the gold-digging opportunist who was convinced
 she would get millions if she would only play the role of the helpless victim.

 She's not in Penthouse because she's beautiful.
 No, not in a million years was she in Penthouse for her beauty.
 She's Jo-Jo, the dog-faced boy.
 She's the snake with two heads.
 She's the goddamn cow with five legs.
 That's why she was in Penthouse.

 Has America lost it's mind?

 The whole world has become Darva Conger, the Survivors and Paula Jones.
 Eminem, Dennis Rodman and popular wrestlers control the media.
 America's torn between voting for a brainless fool and an experienced diplomat.
 It's all a big goof, but it's no joke - this is real.

 I picked the wrong year to stop drinking...


 ha ha

 Thanks to Chris at cbix@home.com for the killer 'toon!

 Great ex-Democrat Quotes

 Al Gore will not win this election unless Bill Clinton is unleashed.
 If Bill Clinton is unleased, and does what he can do, Gore will win,
 the Democrats will win the House and the Senate and Hillary, oh boy,
 Hillary is going to win in New York - if they let Clinton loose to campaign.
   -- Ed Koch on Larry King tonight.

 From: Ddsdd47@aol.com

 Subject: silence is golden

 i watched the final debate with my conservative friend.
 i didn't say a word thru the whole thing.
 (my opinions seemed to polarize us)

 i noticed him giving these very puzzled looks after smirk "answered" the questions.
 afterwards he looked at me and said,

 "i have a problem. you know i'm a conservative. but how am i going to
  get that bush bumper sticker off my car? i can't vote for that fucking idiot"

 if everyone would only listen.

 The ditto-monkeys at work were crowing all morning.
 There's some article in the USA Today about how Nader might hurt Gore
 in several states, so they got cocky and started cackling and crowing.

 I have a bottle-of-Chinaco bet with Vic, the senior ditto-monkey.

 I pulled the old lawyer trick on both of them.
 I played the whipped dog, and started moaning about how I was
 sure to lose this election, how Gore had blown the whole thing,
 and how awful it would be to come to work the next day.

 They kept crowing, like I knew they would, so I pretended I was getting
 real upset and told them we could always raise the bet - if they gave me odds.
 They asked what I had in mind so I said let's make it $50 on my part,
 but they had to bet $100 for me to agree to raise the stakes.

 ha ha

 I should be ashamed of myself, picking on the less-intelligent.
 I hope the USA Today has another doom-and-gloom article tomorrow.
 I'll raise the SOB again if they start getting cocky.
 If I can get them to go $100 against $300, I'm there, Dude.

 ha ha

 This should be a crime.
 Hell, it might be a crime, but in Oklahoma you can bet on a cock-fight,
 so why can't I bet on Gore kicking the cock-sure idiot's ass?

 If you haven't done so yet -


 Mo Paul,
 He shoots, he scores!

 House Votes to Set Up GOP Retirement Home
  - with taxpayer funds, natch

 Click  Here

 Today's Page Two Girl says, "Meow."

 Click  Here

From: pianopete@earthlink.net

Subject: What price civil rights?

Hey Bartcop:

I read in the paper yesterday that I would save about $500 bucks a year under Smirk's tax plan.
Under Gore's plan, I don't get any tax break at all.

But of course, I'm still gonna vote for Gore.
I'd gladly pay two, three times that much to keep that idiot away from the Supreme Court,
...(not to mention the 'newkular' button!)

your fan,


Besides Dole or Smirk, I'm the last guy who should give economic advice,
but when Smirk Daddy left the White House, every person (not family)
in America owed $14,500 to the national debt.

After some Clinton magic, those deficits turned to surpluses.

That $500 looks good,
but not if you have to go $14,500 in debt to get it.

 Molly Ivins is on a Tear!
    I guess she's feeling better.

 Click  Here

 BTW, her book "Shrub" is now in paperback for $9

 Zogby says Gore now leads by 10 points among voters over 70.

 Looks like the Bushes will disown Jeb two weeks from tonight...

 ha ha

 Rush is going to be soooo pissed off.

From: zb42@frontiernet.net

Subject: Campaign Tips from my Mother


Here's a letter my Internet-challenged mother wrote for me to send to Gore's campaign.
I typed it up and sent it off -- here's a copy for you.  Maybe you and your readers
(I being one of them) could find the candid comments of a Baby Boomer lifelong
liberal Democrat who comes from a family of Republicans revealing....

In these closing days of the Presidential campaign, I think that
Vice President Gore should step back from an exclusively issue-driven
campaign and include a large dose of his political philosophy.

The unrelenting barrage of facts and figures is out there we've heard it all many, many times.
What we haven't heard is the inspirational message of the Democratic Party.
Vice President Gore should tell us all why he is a Democrat, what the Party's ideals are,
and what they mean to him.  Tell us how he has embodied those ideals in his own life
and political career.  Tell us how he envisions promoting those ideals as our next President,
how the principles of our Party are those which truly ensure liberty and justice for the
greatest number of Americans.

As Democrats, our strongest selling point is in the virtue of our ideals.
Let Vice President Gore remind us all why we are (or should be) Democrats.
A speech with the same inspiratioal clout as Kennedy's
"Ask not what your country can do for you" speech would be just the ticket.

We need a big finish here -- something to round out the Vice President's image
as the man we Democrats have chosen as the spokesman for all we believe.
He is us!

Fight like hell, you guys -- our next four years depend on it.

Good Luck to us all,
Lola Jaronowski

 Catherine Zeta Jones says,

 Get a Leg Up...

 Read  bartcop.com  every day

 Read the  Previous Issue
 It was the best issue we've ever done.

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