Remember when John McCain was a man of honor?
The whole idea of a "Straight Talk Express"
was a good campaign gimmick,
but if you're a coward and a liar, what does that cute slogan really mean?
McCain was in Florida yesterday, saying
"Smirk is fully qualified to be president."
In Oklahoma, we call that horseshit.
Even Governor Clinton, with his twelve years
as a chief executive,
wasn't fully qualified to become president, but there's a difference:
Clinton was sharp as a tack, he knew his policies and the policies of his opponent
backwards and forwards, and he could think on his feet with lightning-fast precision.
Now, compare that last sentence to the pointless ramblings of the idiot from Texas.
"I believe in what I said I believe in,
if that's what you meant.
Then I'm for it, but if it's not, then I don't."
"Fully qualified," Mr. McCain?
Johnnie, you should re-name your bus the Horseshit Express.
In the USA Today, it says the Old Dirty Bastard is wanted by the police.
Did one of Paul Harvey's victims press charges?
"We can't file charges - he owns us."
Subject: Gore hits a home run in Kansas City
The president-elect made an appearance here in Kansas City yesterday,
and it turned out to be a terrific event.
About 9600 ardent supporters showed up at Theis
Park to hear a lineup of
prominent Missouri Democrats, and an electric speech by Mr. Gore. (Bush had
gotten a HUEUEUEUEUEUGE crowd of 600 during his appearance here on Monday).
Everyone enjoyed performances by 2 high school bands, as well as a terrific
set by local blues diva Ida McBeth (she gave me shivers when she got the
whole crowd to join her to sing "America")
Former KC Mayor Emmanuel Cleaver had the best
lines all night- (paraphrase)......
"I went to seminary....and studied compassion. One thing I never studied
was why, if someone is compassionate, they need to declare it. If you have
compassion, it will be evident- in your words, in your actions- it will show."
Nearly everybody at the rally was bearing stickers,
buttons, and signs saying
"STILL WITH MEL". Referring, of course, to the late Governor Mel Carnahan,
who was killed in a plane crash a couple weeks ago. Carnahan was in the midst of a
Senate battle to oust your old buddy John Ashcroft (R-Goat Fucker), and Mel's name
will still be on the ballot. If Carnahan wins, his wife, Jean will likely be appointed by
Gov. Roger Wilson to fill the senate seat. I taped a sign on the back window my car -
"Screw Ashcroft- I'm Voting for the Dead Guy"
Anyway- seeing as how Missouri is one of those
I'd say things are looking good for Gore.
Do it for your Grandma
(Some riffs from Jacob Weisberg)
Arlington Heights, Ill.--Speaking inside a middle-school
gymnasium in the
Chicago suburbs yesterday, Smirk Bush tried out what seemed a clever new way
to contrast his proposal for "tax relief" with Al Gore's. The distinction collapsed,
however, under tough questioning from a girl in the eighth grade.
As Michael Kinsley recently pointed in a recent
column, the claim that
Bush eschews tax credits and targeted preferences is largely mythological.
He may not use the tax code for social policy purposes as extensively as
Gore wants to do, but what he's proposing falls far short of tax reform.
This became clear when a group of well-prepared
took turns asking him questions that were generally better than those
he faced from Jim Lehrer in the debates.
The questions submitted to bartcop.com were better than what Lehrer asked.
Matter of fact, some questions from the kids were
articulate and tough.
Another girl asked what Bush would do to promote after-school programs.
Bush, to his credit, said he didn't think it was the job of the federal government.
Then a classmate of hers asked about abortion,
prompting one of Bush's nonsense
riffs about "children living in the dark dungeons of the Internet."
"Gun control is an important issue in our society
today," asked Ryan Conway,
another eighth-grader. "As students, we often hear about school shootings,
accidental shootings, and guns ending up in the wrong hands.
Do you see this as an important issue and what is your position?"
"I think we need to say loud and clear to people:
If you carry a gun illegally,
if you sell a gun illegally, if you commit a crime with a gun illegally,
there's going to be a certain consequence," Bush replied.
But what if you commit a crime with a gun legally?
I guess you get tax relief.
Subject: It couldn't have been Ann Coulter
On last night's West Wing, when she was
offered the job, she was told
that the President likes "intelligent people who disagree with him."
Doesn't that preclude Ann?
That Ann Coulter is such a cheap slut,
I hear she'll do the Monica for some french fries...
Flynt told to 'Put up or shut
up' on Bush abortion
WOMAN DENIES "Mr. Constitution's ALLEGATION
Friends and family of a woman at the center of
Larry Flynt’s investigation into Republican
presidential hopeful George W. Bush blasted the porn king for spreading abortion allegations
and challenged Flynt to ‘put up or shut up,’ bartcop.com can reveal.
"Mr. Flynt better start naming names!" demanded
a close friend of the Texas woman
at the center of the storm that could sink the Smirk stumble towards the White House.
"Mr. Flynt will not go into specifics, because he can’t! Put up or shut up, Mr. Flynt!"
The controversy surrounding Smirk's abortion intensified
last week after CNN aired
the charge made by never-been-wrong Larry Flynt..
"We've found out in the early 1970s Bush was involved
in an abortion in Texas,"
Mr. Constitution reported on CNN.
Out of privacy concerns, Flynt did not reveal the woman's name.
"How could I have aborted George Bush’s child?
We never once had intercourse!" the woman
explained to friends. "This is outrageous."
The woman’s husband, a government employee in
law enforcement, has raised the possibility of
legal action against anyone who links his wife to a 'Bush abortion'.
Investigators working for Flynt launched their
investigation after the woman’s roommate
came forward and offered to reveal the information that would sink the Smirk.
"She heard her roommate on the phone arranging for an abortion," said a source.
Flynt said the roommate was holding out until
Smirk was elected, figuring GOP fat cats
would pay millions more to bury the dark secret once President Smirk was sworn in.
However, the big comeback by Gore has thrown her "best laid" plans into disarray.
Flynt repeated the facts on ABC radio in San Francisco on Wednesday night.
Appearing on Bernie Ward's KGO-AM 810 talk show,
Flynt said Smirk paid for the
baby-murder in Houston in 1970 during Smirk daddy's campaign for a seat in the House.
At that time, the young Smirk was working in the campaign.
Flynt has affidavits from four witnesses.
Out of respect for privacy, unlike Hardon kenneth,
Flynt refused to offer names
until he and the murderess could come to financial terms.
Remember, I'm NOT a lawyer, but
If this woman and her husband are screaming "Put
up or shut up,"
how could Flynt be held liable for doing what he's been asked by them?
I don't care what the law says.
I could win this for Mr Flynt with a jury.
Larry, I'll do it for free.
Bush's Words Tax His Credibility
by Lars Erik Nelson
Let's take George W. Bush at his word.
Yes, I know his word can sometimes be opaque, as when he says,
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
Let's write that and countless other such slips off to fatigue or exuberance.
Let's look instead at his position on tax cuts.
It has been carefully drawn up
and vetted by experts — and it makes even less sense. Bush slams Gore for
offering "targeted tax cuts" — breaks as a reward for taking care of an elderly
relative or putting a kid through college.
He says Gore is picking winners and losers by
rewarding them through the tax code.
"You get somethings you want, but only if you do everything the government wants,"
Bush says. "That is the kind of meddling and overbearing government you're going
to get if you vote for Al Gore."
But Bush's entire career and fortune are the direct
result of targeted tax breaks —
for the oil industry, for sports-stadium bonds, for skyboxes in those stadiums.
Tax loopholes are his life.
He never found much oil while he was in the oil
Instead, he peddled targeted tax breaks to his investors, who could
lose money but still profit by claiming losses under the tax code.
His Uncle Jonathan, one of his major backers, says of Bush's oil business:
"You didn't have to do terribly well to do well because you got so many writeoffs."
Bush doesn't like targeted tax breaks?
Well, let's get rid of the deductions for intangible
drilling costs, accelerated depreciation,
the oil-depletion allowance, passive losses and the tax credits for oil research and drilling.
Then let's listen to the howls from Bush's contributors as they lose their loopholes.
From 1996 to 1998, Texaco reported $3.4 billion
in profits, paid zero federal income
tax and claimed $304 million in tax rebates, according to Citizens for Tax Justice, which
tracks corporate tax-avoidance schemes. Chevron reported 1998 profits of $708 million
and claimed a rebate of $187 million — for an effective tax rate of minus 26%.
Now let's follow Bush's career into baseball.
Let's kill the tax exemption for bonds to build
sports stadiums, eliminate skyboxes
as a tax-deductible business expense and force team owners to give up the break
on paying payroll taxes on signing bonuses.
Now we'll go after Republican vice presidential
nominee Dick Cheney.
Let's kill the tax break that allows corporations, such as his former employer
Halliburton Inc., to deduct the inflated value of stock options granted to top executives.
Cheney's are worth $3.5 million.
If Bush were serious in opposing targeted tax
breaks, he would also want to eliminate
the tax deductions for mortgage interest, charitable contributions, moving expenses
and state and local income taxes. Don't hold your breath.
Bush is using whatever words seem handy at the moment, whether they make sense or not.
His opposition to targeted tax breaks is as sincere as his repeated phrase that he trusts
Americans, not the government, to look after their own retirement.
If he really trusted the people, he would propose
abolishing Social Security and Medicare.
Instead, he wants to continue taxing us — but divert the money to private entrepreneurs.
This is Bush's overall philosophy:
Give Social Security taxes to Wall Street, give
Medicare taxes to the insurance industry,
give public education taxes to private entrepreneurs, preserve tax loopholes for business
and give the biggest tax breaks to the richest 1% of us.
And then claim to be on the side of the ordinary people.
West Wing Audio
There wasn't a lot of laughs in this week's excellent episode,
(the president's young, black assistant) got in a good shot early.
Clip 1 in
and, Leo had something he needed to tell Sam and CJ
Clip 2 in
The best part of the show was the look on Ann Coulter's face when
she went to turn down the job, then was fascinated by the process in action.
I think she'll be good for the show because we'll get more arguments.
(Housekeeping: After Gore wins, we'll do a big survey
and ask stuff like,
would you rather have Real Player audio files or MP3s?)
Uh-Oh, I think I got Mr Birdcage in trouble.
I went to his website, and found his home phone number.
People who post their phone number want calls, right?
I called it to see if he'd be interested in setting up a friendly
A very nice lady answered, and identified herself as Mrs Birdcage.
She said Birdcage was out, and asked why I was calling.
I told her, using my best and most polite Catholic manners, because I don't want
to be like that Wizard of Whimsey and attack some guy's wife over the phone,
that I just wanted to have a friendly conversation with Birdcage.
Here's what happened next:
Mrs. Birdcage: What did you want to speak with him about?
BartCop: Well, I have bartcop.com and since he now owns bartcop.net...
Mrs. Birdcage: No, he doesn't. He doesn't own anything called bartcop.net
BartCop: Well, on my message forum he claimed he does...
Mrs. Birdcage: I'm sure there's been a mistake. There's
no way he would own
a dot.com without me knowing about it.
BartCop: Well, I went to the birdcage home page and got your number.
Mrs. Birdcage: So, you're telling me he bought a domain name called bartcop.net?
BartCop: He sure did! ...and he also bought bartcop.org
Mrs. Birdcage: (her voice rising, as if angry)
Why in the world would he do that?
BartCop: I'm not sure Ma'am, that's one of the reasons I called.
Mrs. Birdcage: He's got some explaining to do when he gets home!!!
I politely thanked her for her time and asked her to tell Birdcage
I have a feeling he'll find out I called before he has a chance to take his coat off.
So, Mr. Birdcage, there are two things you need to keep in mind:
1. I was exceedingly, almost sickeningly polite.
I was Eddie Haskell-polite without the suppressed sarcasm.
2. I had no idea you and Mrs. Birdcage were having financial troubles.
Sorry if I accidentally and inadvertantly caused some marital strife.
That was not my intent.
Thanks to the Yeesterbunny for the timely 'toon.
Subject: A Theory Of Sorts
Smirk's rumored abortion is
That baby was murdered when mama overdosed on Dubya's cocaine.
David, you're right.
Under the new rules, (which the press hasn't applied yet to Smirk)
how can we be sure that didn't happen without a complete investigation?
That was the reason for Whitewater, Filegate, Travelgate, Arlingtongate
"How can we be sure without a thorough investigation?" Hardon Kenny said,
as he was poking thru Hillary's panties in the presidential bedroom.
Is Smirk didn't have that "R," behind his name, Hannity would
be on the abortion
story like Doc Screech on a young, black widow with three children to riase.
...but as you know, if it's got nothing to do with Clinton's cock
it cannot be a crime, so why waste taxpayer money investigating?
Thanks to Odious@home.com
(Ediotr's Note: Have you noticed all the big
guns are blazing?)
Molly Ivins gets serious on Ralph Nader
Is she saying what I think she's saying?
"If you live in a state where your vote won't count - vote Nader?"
There may be some logic in that.
As long as knuckles drag the ground, my Oklahoma vote will never
Oklahoma wouldn't vote for Gore if it was the difference between a smart guy
offering continued peace and tremendous prosperity and a complete moron-boob,
who's likely to get us into debt, war and recession just like his daddy.
Oh, ...that's exactly what this election is about,
but Oklahoma votes against logic and education in every election.
Big changes at Landover Baptist
Subject: Doesn't look good
I guess that asshole Bush is going to
win the election. Even worse, it's embarrassing to
hear you and all these democrats begging and pleading with me to not vote Nader.
If it weren't for Ralph, I would stay
home, so I'm not 'taking' anything away from Gore.
So....if Bush is going to win, you and your kind (you've already told me Nader is better
on the issues and the only reason you wouldn't vote for him was that he was unelectable)
are now free to vote your conscience.
Overthrow this corrupt system before it's too late, Mexico did it.
I don't recall begging you to do a goddamn thing.
If you want to elect George Bush, why not stand up like a man and say so?
And how is electing Bush "overthrowing the corrupt system?"
Are you a young person?
There was no need for the "fuck you," either.
Just cause nobody likes Nader, there's no reason for you to turn scumbag.
For all outward appearances, Bush & McCain get along great.
But some reporters in Florida overheard McCain speaking...
"Listen here, faggot!
Once you lose this sorry fucking excuse for a shit-eating campaign
forget my name and my phone number or I'll bite your goddamn nuts off."
Smirk was heard to meekly reply, "Yes, Mr. McCain..."
Subject: Clinton won't leave
Hey bartcop, those idiots are surely out
I found this in the letters section of this weeks USN&WR.
I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE. I dreamed
that Bush won
the election. But then the Clinton-Gore administration conjured up
a global crisis and refused to step down, in effect setting up a dictatorship.
Of course, that could never happenor could it?
JOHN R. NATVIG
Sun City, Ariz.
This is typical for the US News and Whore Report.
Seems like every day, bartcop.com proves itself as one of the most
upstanding and classy publications anywhere, thanks to my competition.
Bush’s Nutty Friends Should Scare Naderites
by Smokin' Joe Conason
To those who
insist they see no difference whether Bush or Gore becomes
the next President, recent headlines have offered a few more reasons to sober up.
The cliché that the malleable Mr. Bush will be guided by more
sensible (or sentient) advisers, for example, is turning out to be
yet another fashionable Washington stupidity. Thanks to such seasoned tutors as
Condoleezza Rice, the former fraternity president has already disrupted American
relationships with Russia and the European Union. (He didn’t invent that moronic
proposal to pull American troops out of the Balkans all by himself, did he?
That brilliant idea came from Ms. Rice, the Clarence Thomas of foreign policy,
who was sent out to "clarify" the other day.)
Then there was
Mr. Bush’s belated confession that he indeed plans to take one
trillion—also expressed as $1,000,000,000,000—from the anticipated federal
surplus to fund his Social Security privatization scheme. His math is always fuzzy,
so don’t ask him to tell you how he will replace those 12 zeros when the time
comes to send checks to the next wave of retirees. Lawrence Lindsey or some other
rented Republican economist is working on that problem right now. The answer
probably won’t be available until after the election (and be warned that you might
not like it, since it will either mean raising taxes or cutting benefits).
The list of Dubya’s
flubs, inanities and deceptions grows longer every day. The
intellectual dishonesty of Republicans who claim to regard their nominee as an
adequate national leader is a kind of scandal in itself.
How much damage
can Mr. Bush really do by himself, anyway? As Texas
governor, the man reportedly only works about half a day, and presumably that’s
during the odd year when the legislature actually shows up in Austin. Which is an
apt reminder of another problem portended by a Bush restoration—namely, the
empowerment of two terrible Texans, Tom DeLay and Dick Armey.
Just as national
Republican leaders picked dumb but charming Dubya as their most
promising prospect to regain the White House, Messrs. DeLay and Armey selected
the amiable but somewhat dim Dennis Hastert to front for them as Speaker after
they defenestrated poor Newt Gingrich—whom they had never regarded as a "true
conservative." But it is that pair of villains who really run the Congress, and it is
their ominous agenda that has been frustrated for the past few years by President
Clinton. With him finally out of the way, the Republican House leadership must be
anticipating a clear path for "true" conservatism in a Bush administration.
What would this
trio from Texas do in power? Take every appalling proposal that is
part of the Bush election platform, imagine the same thing but considerably worse,
and that will serve as an approximation of what is to come. President Dubya will be
required to negotiate budgets and legislation with the Congressional chieftains.
Assuming that Messrs. DeLay and Armey remain the bosses of the Hill after
Election Day, the Bush agenda will be pushed even further to the right.
In short, expect
compassionate conservatism minus the compassion. A tax cut that
goes mostly to the wealthiest of the wealthy? Yes, although without any of the
paltry few bucks Mr. Bush has promised to the working poor and middle class. A
"reform" of Medicare that consigns more elderly people to the untender mercies of
"health maintenance organizations"? Absolutely—but please don’t bring up the
patients’ bill of rights or prescription-drug coverage again. A plan to privatize Social
Security and turn the surplus over to Wall Street hustlers? Sure. Just forget that
impossible pledge to preserve benefits for everyone. And what of Mr. Bush’s $5
billion literacy program and all his rhetoric about leaving no child behind?
Don’t be ridiculous.
Of course, the
ambitions of a Bush-DeLay-Armey regime would range far beyond
the constraints of this year’s debates. Opening the Alaskan wilderness to the oil
industry, as Mr. Bush says he will do, merely symbolizes what he and his
Congressional comrades could perpetrate over the next four years. The actual
abolition of the Environmental Protection Agency may be beyond their reach. But
they will most assuredly gut the E.P.A., the Occupational Safety and Health
Administration and every other agency that defends consumers, workers and
wildlife from corporate destruction.
will be remade by such zealots as Marvin Olasky, the wacky
ex-Communist guru of the religious right. Gun controls will be dismantled according
to the dictates of Charlton Heston, a dangerous nutcase who hinted the other day
that the Vice President deserves a "lynching."
At a New York
fund-raiser for Ralph Nader, a well-meaning movie star remarked
fatuously that "We survived Nixon and we’ll survive Bush." Unfortunately, it isn’t
the survival of millionaire populists that’s at stake in this election.
Subject: Pigboy sedated and freaked,
The pigboy was obviously sedated today.
He must of got out of bed and checked Zogby and almost vaporlocked.
So he took three tranks and went on the air.
Today he disowned Zogby for showing Gore ahead. Ha, ha.
Bernie, Slayer of Pigboy!
I think after Zogby got caught taking bribes from the GOP,
everyone is disowning him.
Today's Page Two Girl is probably a Republican
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