Volume 325 - A Hope, a Rope and a Dope

 November 10, 2000

Jeb's Goons Intimidating Voters

Ken Horowitz, owner of Major League Soccer's Miami Fusion, was identified
by the Associated Press as one of three people who filed suit in a Florida court
in the presidential election controversy over vote in the Palm Beach County.

Horowitz alleges poll workers told voters they only had five minutes to cast
their ballots, and anyone who took longer would have their ballot tossed out.

"People should have the opportunity to know that when they vote
  it was definitively the way they expected to vote," Horowitz told AP.
"The process was absolutely flawed."

The suit is one of two filed so far.

 Great True Quotes

"It is 24 hours after the last polls closed and America is confused
  and unsure of what is happening. The Bush era has begun."
          --Bill Maher

A shipload of voting irregularities listed.


 The vulgar Pigboy and his white-power allies want us to think
 Smirk would step aside if the positions were reversed.

 Too bad they can't go back in time and erase earlier comments.

 Click  Here

 I'm thinking about changing the name of this page to,

 "Jesus Christ, America. What the hell were you thinking?"

 Let me get this straight:

 Smirk is ahead by 300 votes, with THOUSANDS of mail votes still out,
 but Smirk is claiming victory and proceeding with forming his illegal cabinet.

 Is that how we do things now?
 Smirk ASSUMES victory and the presidency?

 Losing the bet

 Vic, the ditto-monkey at work, plopped the K-Drag Daily newspaper
 on my desk and pointed to a picture of the "butterfly ballot" that enabled
 the unqualified Smirk to illegally assume power in the first successful coup
 in the history of the United States.

 He pointed to the flawed ballot and said,
"How could anybody be so stupid as to make that mistake?"
 (It's always most fun to shut down a ditto-monkey when he's a smart-ass.)

 I drew a circle to the RIGHT of Buchanan and the others and asked:

 "Had the ballots been printed lawfully, instead of the way they were,
  if you had to punch the button to the right of all candidates instead of to
 the right for some and to the left or some, would it have been more clear?"

 He started some long-ass explanation and I cut him off.

 "Would it have been less confusing to have all punch holes to the right?"

 Vic the ditto-monlkey answered, "Well, ...yes, I guess so."

 "So, then, if having all the punch holes to the right is less confusing,
  that means have them mixed together, illegally, is more confusing.
  Is that true or is that not true?"

 He hung his head and said, "Well, it may be less confusing to do it
 the legal way (ha ha, I had him using my terms) but what kind
 of idiot can't read the ballot and get it right in the first place?"

 And I answered,"The type of people you sell cars to every day.
 Are you telling me the general public is smart?"

 He knew he'd lost, he just walked away.

 But, because it looks like Smirk will win this election illegally,
 I'm going to have to pay him that $50.

From: randy.eisensmith@mssm.edu

Subject: Response to Nixon analogy

    Next time you hear some rightwingnutburger spouting off about how
Nixon didn't contest the outcome of the 1960 Presidential election even
though he was "robbed", just reply like I do -

OK, we'll let Shrubya be president if we can do to him in NYC
what the Republicans did to Kennedy in Dallas.

Shuts 'em up every time.



ha ha

Good thing I know you're kidding. If Smirk ends up stealing this election against
the will of the America voters, I wouldn't want him shot, but I would damn sure
look forward to seeing him put thru the wringer like Clinton was.

Nobody in history has ever gone thru what Clinton went thru, and Clinton came out
of it smiling and record-high approval ratings.

That frilly-pantied Mama's boy Smirk isn't 1/4 the man Clinton is.

Remember that crooked TV-evalgelist Jim Bakker, curled up in a fetal position
under a table in a mental free-fall, trying to grasp onto to enough sanity to stop crying?

That's too good for Smirk.

His Daddy and his Daddy's friends bought him the nomination,
and when that didn't work, his brother fixed the ballots in his state.
They think we're going to lie back and enjoy this rape?
Not of your fucking life.

If Smirk wins, I'll have the hottest keyboard in the country.
I will pound on that illiterate, smirking fuck-monkey until he resigns.
(Note to Secret Service: All my pounding will be with words)

If Smirk ends up stealing this election from the will of the people,
with your help, we could make bartcop.com Smirk's second-biggest problem.
Of course, his biggest problem will be handling the pressures of the world
without crawling back into that bottle he lived in for 40 years.

Smirk - you are on notice:
If your attempted hijacking of the White House is successful,
we will not rest until the rightful occupant, Al Gore, sits in the big chair.

 Somebody asked where the drunken Smirk wedding video was:


 From: eguerra@miramagazine.com

 Subject: Excellent election piece from the Whore Street Journal

 Questions About Electoral Process, Constitution

 Q. Who decides whether Florida voters elected George Bush or Al Gore?

 Q. What can Florida election officials do?

 Q. What about the absentee ballots?

 Q. If necessary, can the Florida courts intervene?

 Q. How about just holding a new election in Palm Beach County?

 Click  Here  for the full story

 Ediotr's Note: If you're like me,  if you don't like questions that
 have answers that use 10,000 words, you'll like this article.

From: galloway@gtcom.net

Subject: Moore is SUCH a punk. . .


The email I sent to that bitch Moore came back as undeliverable!
(I bcc'ed you a copy)
The coward has had his aol address disconnected!
You wouldn't happen to know what rock he crawled under, do you??



I agree, my mail to him was also returned.
I think it's rude as hell to send e-mail with a FAKE return address.
Moore is either the new King of Spam or he's tired of hearing
complaints about why he's working so hard to elect that idiot Smirk.

 6:45 - watching Crossfire

 Mary Matalin and Bill Paxon (R-attempted Newt assassin) are two screeching
 manics trying to save the sinking Smirk Administration-that-never-was.


 Mark Mellman ? and Bill Press were very calm and collected.
 It looks like the panic has really set in on the guilty.

 Question: Is it a coincidence all this happened in Jeb's state?
 If this happened in Ohio or Pennsylvania, it wouldn't be so suspicious.

 Question: If it was a good idea for Jeb Bush to recuse himself from the recount,
 why was it a good idea for him to be in charge of the original count?

 Question: Why did Palm Beach have a different ballot than every other county?
 Maybe Jeb Bush could explain that little anomaly.
 Or is this another one of those deals like his brother where, after taking
 credit for being such a great governor, he now comes begging with the claim,
 "I have no authority over that"  whenever something rotten and crooked happens?

 Question: The candidate's daddy ran the goddamn CIA.
 Is there anything they can't do?
 They could put dead hookers in my car trunk.
 They could put cocaine in my nightstand.
 They could fix some "broken" ballot boxes.
 They might even be able to beat me in court.


 They could for sure do the first three...

 So, we have lots of questions.
 We want lots of answers.
 And if they bullshit us, even once,
 we take this to the Supreme Court.

 Awww, shit...

 If you have a higher IQ than mine, (most democrats) BushWatch.com
 has pages and pages and dozens and dozens of stories lined up in a row.

 ...and his stories are all true!!!

 It's times like this I'm glad I'm in the hokey-bullshit comedy business
 instead of some responsible, honest, intelligent site like BushWatch.com

  We made a deal along time ago - I wouldn't do the serious, accurate stuff if he promised
   to do Cunningham cartoons and no other comedy. That's how he got Whimsey :)

 He has more Smirk news than any other page on the net.
 Be sure and check his site - and don't wait, ...if you catch my drift...

 Senator Jim Pissquik (R-Oklahoma) just returned from a "fact-finding" mission in Europe.
 He says he talked to the servicemen over there and they told him they voted using their
 absentee ballots and they "all" voted for Bush.

 Pissquik, you're such an embarrassment.
 Thank Koresh for higher-profile assholes like Delay, Armey, Barr and Burton,
 because without them, you'd be the most famous asshole in Washington DC.

From: goofy@z.com

Subject: Another Option?

BartCop wrote:
> It seems the only way out of this mess is to take the 8 options we
> have,  and, one-by-one, discard the options we can't live with, such
> as the Buchanan-Gore scenario described above, one by one.

> They MUST allow those people, (we have their names) to re-vote.
> Can you think of another option? "

Yes, I can think of another option.
Stop shopping for ways to poll people until you get the result you want.

I don't see the logic in that statement.
The fact that Jeb Bush's people are getting a different count now than Tuesday
is PROOF there's a problem in Florida. Are you saying we shouldn't trust Jeb's recount?
If the second count was the same as the first, your argument would hold more water.

It's funny - I don't know of anyone who anticipated this as the possible turnout,
that Gore would be ahead in the popular vote and Bush would win the Electoral count.
When Gore winning by Electoral decree was the most likely "odd" scenario, the Dems
were all up on their "Constitutional Highhorses".  Now that it appears they'll lose by the
same mechanism, our Founders all sucked and we should follow the popular vote.
Short memories?  Hypocritical behavior?

We were "Constitutional Highhorses," and we still are.
What in the world would make you say Gore will lose the recount?
Because Rush said so?
If you can predict the future accurately, how can you find the time to play with your computer?
Why aren't you trading stocks and playing the ponies if your predictions are often right?
That's argument "A."

Argument "B" is we've never had this come up before:
An impossibly-close race, in a state with counting problems - run by a candidate's brother.

When Nixon lost by a whisker, he pushed a little, then conceded rather than put us thru this.

Check your first three words - "when Nixon lost."
"When" Gore loses, he'll step down in a heartbeat.

Of course, if modern Dems had the good sense and fortitude that Nixon had, Clinton would
have resigned after impeachment and Gore would have been running as an incumbent, which
would have made him unbeatable.

So, in Goofy's America, presidents accused of crimes should resign?
That's, well,  ...goofy, and very un-American..
Remember, Bob Barr was looking into impeachment before Monica.
They decided long ago to impeach him - they just had to find a "crime."
If you want to show "good sense and fortitude," impeach baby-killer Barr.

So, you see, Clinton's ego is what REALLY got us where we are.

ha ha
Of course it's Clinton's fault.
Clinton haunts you guys.
He'll haunt you guys in 25 years, too.
At some point, for the good of the Republican party, you guys are going to
have to forget your obsession with Clinton and his cock and move on.

I prefer Herradura,

Now, see?
After saying all those nutty things, you say something intelligent.
You didn't say "Chinaco sucks."
By saying you "prefer" Herradura, you imply you've tried the Chinaco
but prefer to sip the Herradura, which is a logical, sane position to take.
Herradura surely is the most popular of the super-tequilas.
There's no shame in being a Herradura fan.

I'd like to sit down with you sometime, with a bottle of each,
and argue our points of view until one of us says "Ralph Nader."

 You're going to think I'm lying, but Election Night
 - wait, I'd better put that differently, Tuesday night,
 I heard Judy Woodruff say something intelligent.

 I am not kidding!

 It's something I hadn't thought of, and something that Gore should've
 talked about if he was serious about winning this election...

 Both less-than candidates talked about "different directions" America would
 take with them in charge but never spelled it out in frank, brutal terms.

 Such as,

 Israel - there's no sense in Arafat and Barak making any deal this year
 because Smirk is liable to get in there and "fix" everything they agreed on.

 North Korea - They want to put missle development on the back burner if
 they can get some US cooperation on some nuclear power plants.
 But why bother, if Smirk will just re-nig on the deal?

 Tobacco - No sense in making any progress on the big tobacco suits if
 Smirk is going to get in there and free BIG tobacco to do what they want.
 I guarantee if Smirk wins in Florida, we're back to massive amounts of
 formaldahyde and ammonia in cigarettes, and welcome back Joe Camel!

 The NRA - Koresh knows the NRA will have a desk inside the Oval Office.
 We've had gun loons as president before, but never a look that insisted on
 guns being carried inside churches, stadiums and courtrooms. The NRA
 would be insane to scale back anything if blank-slate John Wayne is going
 to see things their way and what, make NRA membership mandatory, too?

 There must be at least another dozen major topics that will be reversed or
 ended if the uneducated fuck-monkey assumes control.

 Nobody talked about this during the campaign - why?

 They talked about classroom sizes and HMO's and tax cuts and lockboxes,
 but nobody spelled out the massive 180 this country was about to take,
 a 180 away from peace and prosperity and the common sense that caused it.

 Maybe we should vote on that 22nd Amendment, and keep Clinton, instead.

 ha ha

 Stroke Me, Stroke Me

 People in Florida are saying,
"We were denied our chance to vote. We want a re-chance."

 The poor, pitiful Pigboy has lost his ability to communicate..

 Irrational Sex

 Margaret Carlson did a column in TIME whore mag about how totally devastated
 Al and Tipper were about the Monica "betrayal," as tho neither of them have ever
 heard of the irrational male sex drive before. Christ, have they never heard the story
 of Helen of Troy and the Trojan Horse?

 Prince wrote a song than Sheena Easton sang a decade ago,
 "Men go to war over women like you, it's a form of appreciation."
 Not that Monica was some big prize, but the point is men become totally irrational
 when it comes to sex.  Men lose all control when it comes to sex.
 The phrase, "He's thinking with his dick, again" is so on-the-money,
 and women act like they don't know the heirarchy of men's wants.

 You've seen the movie Porky's, right?  That's what the "normal" man is thinking,
 but most of us keep it in a cage, you know what I mean? I'm going to give you
 a great example - one that's truer than due North, but you might not believe me.

 Years ago I worked in the vending business.
 Vending as in pool tables, juke box, pinball, video games etc.
 You know what makes more money than anything?
 A certain kind of video poker game.

 When you play this poker game, you try to get a pair of Jacks or whatever,
 and if you win, the machine gives you a chance to "double up" on your winnings
 Stay with me, this is real and true.

 If you guess correctly on the "double up," an on-screen cartoon girl takes off her
 blouse and shows you her brassierre. If you double up again, and win, cartoon girl
 will drop her jeans and show you her panties. If you guess correctly a third time,
 (you're odds are dropping like the stock market under Reagan) cartoon girl might
 wiggle her cartoon ass and maybe show you some cartoon titty.

 Do you see what's going on here?
 When I was younger, my job was to go from one location to another and empty
 the money from these machines for my multi-millionaire Republican boss.
 These machines are so incredibly popular, they have dollar bill validator-acceptors
 on them because it takes too long to accept quarters.
 These machines can make over $1000 a week EACH in truckstops and taverns.

 You know why? Because grown men will take twenty after twenty after twenty
 dollar bill out of their pocket and feed the stupid video game again and again
 in the hopes of seeing the cartoon girl's titties!

 You women, and especially Tipper Gore, need to re-read that last sentence.
 Otherwise sane men will pay over $100 to see cartoon titties.

 Cartoon titties!

 Don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about.
 The man I worked for had a cash flow of about $20,000 a day.
 I was one of four money collectors. When he went to Vegas or somewhere,
 I was re-located into the money room - I know what I did for a living.

 I have a big headline for you girls - men like sex.
 They are irrational about sex.
 Any man who'd pay more than 25 cents to see some cartoon titties should be
 committed to an institution, but if we did that, I'd be the only guy left standing.

 Hugh Grant, who was engaged to Liz Hurley from the Austin Powers movie,

 threw it all away for a blow job from this unattractive Sunset Boulevard hooker,

Whoops - sorry, wrong whore.

 There she is - Divine Brown.
 Grant threw Hurley away for an hour with this hooker.
 In my opinion, that was crazier than anything Clinton did.

 So where am I going with my rant about irrational men and cartoon titties?

 Al Gore could've won this election by ten points if he wasn't so angry
 with Bill Clinton for having a sex drive that wasn't very rational.
 I'm not saying it's right - I'm saying it's a fact, like water freezing at 32 degrees.

 Gore pushed away the one man on the planet that could've made this a breeze.

 Isn't it cute how Smirk is dropping hints about "his cabinet,"
 even though he hasn't won jack shit yet?

 Pigboy is using phrases like, "The Democrats want to OVERTURN
 this election and claim it for Algore."

 Hey, Pigboy, see the above paragraph.
 Your boy Smirk hasn't won shit - yet.

 Either way, we have a four-year problem on our hands.
 Since 1992, the GOP has been squealing that Clinton wasn't really
 "their" president since he didn't get over 50 percent of the vote.

 Whoever wins this contest will win barely in a very, very contested
 contest, apparently rigged by Smirk's brother.

 If Smirk wins, he's not going to be America's president - is he?

 From: pamgreen@cac.net

 Subject: A possible answer

 Maybe an alternative would be just to void this whole election and go
 straight to president Hillary.  We could use whatever mind control drug has
 already been sprayed on all those people who forgot how bad things were
 during the last Bush administration.

 ha ha
 I second the motion.

 From: djg92@hotmail.com


 Let's set aside all legal arguments for a moment,
 and look at four key facts concerning this election:

(1) The national popular vote favored VP Gore.
     We all agree to this -- even Governor Bush.

(2) Everyone BELIEVES that the 19,000+ disqualified ballots from Palm Beach
      favored Gore. Bush clearly believes this; otherwise, he'd lend his support to some
      sort of redress for those voters, rather than telling them that it's just their "tough luck".

(3) Everyone BELIEVES that the 3,000+ votes for Buchanan in Palm Beach were from
      3 to 10 times more than he SHOULD have received, and most people (including Buchanan)
      believe that the extra votes were intended for Gore.

(4) Despite the popular vote, the election hinges on Florida's 25 electoral college votes,
      which, in turn, hinge on a margin of less than 2,000 votes in Bush's favor -- a margin
      easily reversed by the aforementioned erroneous ballots.

      Given these four points, Governor Bush MUST KNOW that
      How can he accept the office knowing this?
      I contend that he should very graciously concede the Florida election to
      Gore, and step aside to allow Gore his dutifully won seat in the Presidency.

      By continuing to say "tough luck" to thousands of potentially disenfranchised voters,
      Bush is already starting to show his true colors. The vote of every citizen should be counted
      to the best of our abilities- anything less would be a disappointment to all those who have
      sacrificed to secure liberty and democracy in America and the world.

      Kansas City, MO

 Read the  Previous Issue
 It was the best issue ever.

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