Volume 329 - Please, BartCop - Don't Hurt Them
 November 15, 2000 

 Not Even on the Radar Screen

 Lycos.com has listed the Top 50 sites for election week.

 Sadly, again,   bartcop.com  was nowhere to be found.
 Boy, I sure could use that money from Brunei Darussalam.

 Almost five years doing the Ol' Treehouse, and can't make a ripple in the pond.
 I need a higher profile, I need to get people's attention.
 Anyone know of some good ways to do that?

 You know it's almost, ...almost to the point where I'd ask for contributions
 so I could advertise in different places to try to become better known.

 In my IQ-of-64 brain, I figure I could take out some 1-inch ads in newspapers
 in New York, Los Angeles, Washington DC and others. Is that a good idea?
 Yeah, that's what I should do.

 Now and then I get e-mail saying,
"Nice page. Could send a contribution to help keep  bartcop.com  going?"
 I've always declined contributions, because  bartcop.com  is only a hobby.


 If Smirk is successful in his illegal takeover of the government,
 and the House and Senate are also going to be flying the ditto-monkey flag,
 and since there's hardly anybody on our side fighting back,
 I wonder if accepting contributions would be a bad idea?

 You people in NY, CA and DC, what does advertising cost in your paper?
 Does anyone live in a town with FREE WANT ADS?

 I've heard of those, but we don't have them in K-Drag.
 How much is a column inch in the NY Whore Times's entertainment section?
 How much is a column inch in the Los Angeles Times's entertainment section?
 How much is a column inch in the Washington Post's entertainment section?

 Is this a dumb idea?

 ha ha

 Remember what I said about only one out of thirty of my ideas being any good.
 This is #45, so wish me luck!

 But I have to do something, don't I?
 Shall I languish in anonominity forever?
 At the rate I'm going, I'll be noticed in 230 years.

 So I need to do something. Is that the way to go?
 The entertainment section of big-city liberal papers?
 Would resources be better spent on the web, somehow?

 Koresh, I need an agent.
 I need a business manager.
 I need a liberal millionaire to break off some big bucks.

 Maybe I should check this idea out more fully.
 I could get a PO Box in K-Drag to intercept the certain mailbombs and ask
 for contributions to help in the fight to take back our country!.

 If I could raise some money, I could advertise, thus bumping up my hits.
 With more hits comes more power and influence.
 With more power and influence comes media exposure and pretty soon
 I could get invited onto Hannity and Colmes!!  Yes!!!

 Let's start a collection to get BartCop on with Sean hannity!

 ha ha

 If he started screaming at me, or lying or saying shit that wasn't true,
 I'd just come over that desk and pummel his Nazi ass right on the Fox set!

 ha ha

 Send money to the "Pummel Hannity Fund."
 Maybe I'm crazy, but I think I'm gonna do it.
 For lunch today, I'm going rent a box at the Post Office for donations.
 (I can see the headline now - BartCop turns whore)

 Hey, call me a whore if you want.
 We're about to lose all three branches of government
  ...and we're not even fighting back!

 One other thing - if you think a humor page wouldn't be very effective,
 consider what Von Reagan did to Mondale in their 1984 debate.

 Reagan was a doddering old fool with no grasp of reality.
 When the subject of his mental condition came up, Reagan told a joke!
 "I refuse to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience."

 And what did Mondale do?
 He fucking laughed with everyone else!

 With one well-timed, well-placed joke, Reagan put-to-rest the argument that
 he was too old and senile to run the most important office in the land.
 That tells us there is power in humor.

 Here's what I'm gonna do.
 I'm gonna get some lunch and rent that PO Box.
 When I get back, I'll read the feedback and see how stupid this idea is.
 If I have your support, I'll know we have a deal.
 If I don't, we don't.

 -- Whoops, sorry, that's from Godfather II.

 BartCop turns Whore - I see the headlines as clear as day, but what choice do we have?
 Should we lie back like Mondale and Dukakis and let them steal our government?
 Shouldn't there be somebody fighting back?


 Send me some feedback:
 Put "Good Idea" or "Bad Idea" in the subject header, and add your scathing comments.

 Am I a whore?
 Have I spent five years setting up this money-making scam?
 Am I just another Internet huckster trying to get your hard-earned money?

 Help an old altar boy out, and guide me thru these troubling times.
 In a matter of days, Emporer Smirk will assume his throan.

 Shall we fight back or give up?

 I say we fight!

 Maureen Dowd

 Mistrust in the Trust

 Click  Here

  sent by  Jeff Williams

 Click  Here

 Today is the 15th.   Do your job good today.  Today is the day your boss pays
 Social Security taxes and FICA taxes on your no-good ass, so don't be asking for a raise,
 don't take a long lunch, be a good little beaver all day, and you might still have a job tomorrow.

 By the way, I just got a nice e-mail from Tally Briggs, who you might know if you like Shakespeare
 in the Park or if you've watched the right TV shows, but she reminded me of a good point:
 When you write to  bartcop.com  if you have a home page, mention it.
 Maybe you can get some extra traffic sent your way.
 Include the URL in your signature, too. You've got nothing to lose.



 That funny parody on The Bird (click  here) was produced by  Todd Hudson

 I'm sure The Bird thought it was funny, because Rush says it's the liberals
 that have no sense of humor, and Bird is no liberal, so according to Rush
 The Bird liked your parody, Todd, and might even like to see more.

From:  Politico60@aol.com

Subject: Dershowitz on Katherine Harris

Last night on Geraldo Rivera, Alan Dershowitz said that
"Katherine Harris is bought and paid for" and that she will absolutely
find a way to keep the hand-counted votes from being official.
The "bought and paid for" comment brought screams of agony from a Republican spinnerette.

 ha ha

 From the New York Whore Times
   Matt Drudge, managing editor

 "Crisis Seen from a Lack of Priests"

 Click  Here

 Gee, I wonder if the eternity-without-orgasms rule is costing them any recruits?

 Some X-Rated audio for youse with DSL

 If you own any Adam Sandler CDs, you know how he is.
 Last Friday on HBO's Chris Rock Show, where you can say a n y t h i n g
 Adam Sandler did a song you're not likely to hear on TV again.

 It was called "She Comes Home to Me."
 It's rated whatever comes after "X," but here's the deal:
 He had a big 40's era-style band, horns and all, and stayed completely in character the whole time.
 He sang this song like Sinatra or Tony Bennet would - he even has a decent voice.
 What made the song wasn't the nasty words, but his dedication to doing it absolutely legit.

 These are big files, will take forever without a DSL or cable modem,
 but if you have a fast modem I think you'll like it.

 Click  Here  to download the MP3 to save on your hard drive.

 Click  Here  to hear it via 

 And if you're offended by the language most Americans use, you won't like this,
 because this is strong stuff even for HBO, so don't come whining later.

 BartCop Does Wall Street
  Pre-Emptive Strike

 As some point, it may be days or weeks away, someone is going to be declared
 the winner in Florida. When that happens, the stock market will rise.
 I predict this - no matter who wins the final tally.

 If Bush wins, and the market rises, El Pigbo will claim it's because America has
 confidence in that idiot Smirk and that proves the decision was the correct one.
 If Gore wins, he probably won't mention it.

 I just wanted to get this on record so when Pigboy tells his lie, you'll remember that
 I predicted it up-front, whereas Pigboy will wait until after the fact and claim,
 "Just as I predicted..."

 He's been doing more of those goofy "non-predictions."

 He "predicted" the Democrats would attack Katherine the Grate.
 But any idiot with 2 weeks in politics knows that if there's a contested election,
 and the campaign manager from one side is in charge of manipulating the outcome,
 she's going to be severely criticized by the other team.


 Koresh, I'll bet even Smirky could figure that out without Rove's help.
 But the easily-led ditto-monkeys will say, "Wow! Rush was right again!"

 Now and then, even the whore media gets it right.

 Click  Here

 Fact: Ted Turner's TNT ran Primary Colors FOUR TIMES
 during the weekend just prior to the election.

 The reason for this is:

 1. Ted Turner, after losing Jane, snapped back to being a right-wing prick.
 2. Ted's back on the sauce again
 3. Ted has envy problems that would choke one of  Paul Harvey horses.
 4. He blames Clinton (?) for the Cardinals kicking his Braves's asses.
 5. All of the above.

Paul Begala is NOT in a good mood.
  I like him better when he's pissed.

The Banana Republicans are still at it.
Why are they so afraid of an honest and accurate count?
Because they know that, just as most Americans voted for Al Gore, most Floridians did too.
Their attempts to obscure that truth have tied them into knots.

Let's take a look at the esteemed public official at the center of this storm:
the chief elections officer in Florida, Katherine Harris.  Ms. Harris is a partisan hack.
She is co-chair of George W. Bush's campaign in Florida, was a Bush delegate to the
GOP convention, has donated to the GOP, traveled with Jeb Bush to New Hampshire,
where she even kissed two lapdogs on the mouth while campaigning for W.

She's kissing a lot worse now.

ha ha  -- go Paul!

She has described herself as "passionately interested" in a job in the arts of foreign affairs
if Bush were to win the White House.  She has spent $100,000 of taxpayers' money on travel,
including Rio, Barbados and Sydney on taxpayers' dollars.  Critics say this is a taxpayer-subsidized
attempt to burnish her ambassadorial credentials.  And in a move that could not have harmed Bush,
she used Norman Schwarzkopf, one of W's most prominent supporters, in taxpayer-funded,
supposedly non-partisan get-out-the-vote ads.

So I think we can all rest comfortably knowing that the presidential election will be decided by Ms. Harris.

The Gore camp is operating as if this were America.
The Bushies are acting as if Florida were their own little banana republic.
Enforcing or waiving deadlines as their partisan interests drive them, letting partisan hacks make
the key decisions that will control the outcome of the election, trying to pretend that a manual count
would lead to what they call "mischief", when the whole world is watching the recount live on television.

James Addison Baker III has cemented and solidified his reputation as a partisan hack in all this.
The man who ran the Willie Horton campaign in 1988 -- the most ruthless, vicious, amoral campaign
in American history -- spent four years as Bush's Secretary of State trying to build an image as a statesman.
And he did a good job -- working to ease the transition of the Soviet Union to freedom, and the collapse of
the Berlin Wall and working with Colin Powell in a vain attempt to keep the trigger-happy Bush and Defense
Secretary Cheney from rushing into the Gulf War.  But all that hard work has now evaporated, and we're left
with the Baker we knew from 1988: willing to say or do anything in the pursuit of power.  His grandfather built
one of the most successful law firms in Texas by putting up a front of probity as he represented the sleaziest
robber barons of his day.  The apple clearly didn't fall far from the tree, as the distinguished former Secretary
of State behaves like a generalissimo in a banana republic coup.  All he needs is a pair of sunglasses.

Generalissimo Baker has proposed a "deal".  If the Gore campaign will stop all recounts by 5 PM,
and accept the absentee ballots from overseas (rumored to support Bush), then the Bush campaign
will drop the lawsuit which was thrown out of court yesterday.  I'm not making this up.  Generalissimo
Baker of the Banana Republicans actually made that offer, and called it a compromise.

He's not out of his mind.
Just drunk with power.
He knows that an honest count will yield a Gore victory.
So he's trying to cover for his side's heavy-handed, police-state tactics
by calling a complete capitulation a compromise.

But perhaps the biggest loser in all this is the media.
And I don't mean only because the networks botched the call on election night.
(Turns out they were right: Gore DID carry Florida; Bush is trying to steal it.)
The current issue of Newsweek has their behind-the-scenes report on Campaign 2000,
and it includes this gem -- the surest proof yet of how in the tank the press corps is for Bush:

"'How are you, Mr. President?' asked Fox News' Carl Cameron, already awarding Bush the White House.
'You think so?' replied Bush, putting on his aw-shucks manner.  'I feel good.'  'You should,' said the reporter.
'Looks like things are clicking the way you said they would.'  'Coming down the stretch.  We'll see,' said Bush.
'Just like you said it would, man,' Cameron repeated.  'Yeah, they're clickin' right now,' said Bush.
He caught sight of CNN's Candy Crowley about 20 rows away.
'Dolce!' he hailed, using the nickname he had bestowed on her."

So there it is.
Reporters sucking up to Bush, and Bush calling them by their pet names.
And why not?
They've been lapdogs for him throughout this whole campaign.
It's just stunning -- and sickening -- to see it confirmed in print.

 Do liberals get unfairly kicked off the AM airwaves?

 Click  Here

 Lauren Hutton is out of the hospital.
 They say she was pretty beat up in that cycle wreck.
 They say she's tough, and she'll be back.

 Go, Lauren.

 Tell you what,

 In between pieces of crystal-clear evidence that prove beyond a doubt
 that Smirk and his daddy's friends are trying to steal this election,
 how about a little comedy, and maybe a Page Two Girl?

 Dan Rather

 Dan had a big night on Black Tuesday.
 Have you heard some of these?
 TIME whore mag had a list, I'll give you some.
 These are true Dan Rather-isms - shit nobody else would ever say.

 This race is as hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit
 on a too-long car ride back from the beach.

 This race is tighter than the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford.

 Bush is sweeping thru the South like a tornado thru a trailer park.

 Gore's back's against the wall, his shirttail's on fire,
 and the bill collector's at the door.

 The Senate campaigns were ugly enough, nasty enough to gag a buzzard.

 Bush's lead is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O

 California is the big burrito,
 Texas is a big taco,
 but Florida is the only tamale that counts.

 ...and, my favorite,

 In summary, if a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun.

 ...damn, that's good writing.

 This is the ...woman Begala speaks of.
 The Florida Secretary of State - Katherine Harris - Smirk's Florida campaign co-chairman.

 His campaign co-chairman.
 The only way Katherine harris she could be closer to Smirk would be
 if she was the candidate's mother or the candidate's wife.

 She's going to make an unbiased ruling on who our next president will be?
 Will she go with the will of the people?
 Or with her personal feelings, which almost certainly will get her a cushy
 ambassadorial job in the Smirk Administration, and enrage the American people?

 If sh'e not into the power thing, I'm sure Enron Energy or the Wily Brothers
 could find a spot on their payroll for the woman who put Smirk on the throne
 over the objections of the majority of Americans.

 Can I say one thing?
 Putting my serious hat on for a moment...

 I hope this turns out good, and I'm not talking about what you'd think.
 Mrs. BartCop asked me if this was a "constitutional crisis,"
 and I laughed and said, "Of course not."

 So she asked, "If this isn't, what is?"

 She had me.

 What if things don't turn out good?
 What if the loser of this debate says, "I don't recognize that judge."
 I'd rather have a President Smirk than a President Hastert, because President
 Smirk will deserve every bit of the punishment I'm going to inflict on his ass.

 But what then?
 Is everybody going to follow the Constitution?
 Which interpretation?

 What if it gets ugly?

 Oh, this could get really ugly.

 From: btaylor1@nycap.rr.com

 Subject: Steve Largent posing for an underwear ad

 "Wasn't it Hanes or Fruit of the Loom?"

 If his son was in it,
 it was Fruit of the LOON

 ha ha

From: jcaicedo@lycos.com

Subject: Democrats made and approved the ballot!





If my flock gets a dose of reality, they'll no longer be my minions or my ilk.
I'm trying to build a kingdom, like Pigboy.

 Today's Page Two Girl doesn't want to see a Smirk administration

 Click  Here

From: goofy@z.com

Subject: Re: Liberals don't know how to fight?

Quoting Bartcop following Richard's wayward tome:
"Dick, I wish we had more like you, buddy.  You are correct,
liberals don't know how to fight.  I'm convinced that's why there are
no liberals on the radio or on those cable TV talk shows - they don't
know how to fight.  We prefer to lay down and let the GOP take what
they want.  Thank Koresh for Bill Clinton, who reminded us what a
fighter looks like.  But we won't see his like again.  A shot of
Chinaco to Richard for telling the cold, hard truth."

I think your depression and the number of shots you've been doing have gone
to your head.  No liberals on the radio or on those cable TV talk shows?


Goofy, I didn't really mean "no liberals."
I meant, "So relatively few compared to conservatives."

Hey, you want to play a game?
You up for a challenge?
Gotta warn you, tho, it's fixed.
You're going to lose.

Here's the game:
You name a nationally known liberal who's now on the air, and each time you do,
I'll name TWO conservatives who each get more time on the air.

Not only that, but I'll double-down that the two conservatives I pick each time
will be a lot nastier to the other side, and I'll prove it using upcoming broadcasts

So I'm saying they not only outnumber us by more than two to one, they're also much, much
bigger pricks, while our guys are polite like Colmes, and I'll prove it live so we can all watch.

You in?

ha ha

It's a trap!
Watch your step!

 I wonder if  The Bird has a sense of humor?
  Koresh, I hope so...

 Click  Here

 And would the author please stand up, please stand up?

 Update:  That humorous all-in-fun harmless parodywas produced by Todd Hudson

 Todd, I'm sure The Bird took it in the spirit in which it was written.

 Going thru some old mail, I found something.

 From: aadrian@tampabay.rr.com

 Right after the DWI story broke ten days ago, Karen Hughes held a
 press conference to explain how trivial drunk-driving is. Then this:

 But, here's the best part, at one point a reporter asked
 "Has Gov Bush ever used any substances other than alcohol? "

 Her response:
 "Gov.  Bush has already acknowledged that he has made mistakes in his past."

 She just opened Pandora's Box with that answer.

 Can we say COCAINE?????

 2+year Bartcop reader,
 Alicia Adrian

 Alicia, you are correct.
 That's a "Yes," if I've ever heard one.

 ...and lying shitheads like Pigboy and Bill Bennett keep justifying this
 chemical abuser's candidacy saying, "There's no proof of anything."

 And the whore press is pushing to get coke/alky-boy in the White House
 so they can chronicle his downfall calling it - "An American Tragedy."

 Koresh, I need a drink.

From: a_reahm@hotmail.com

 Subject: dumb ass

 You're a dumb ass, you communest pig!!!!
 The only reason you don't like Limbaugh is because
 he crushes your stupid socialist ideas!!!!

 Move to France!!!
 They're dumb like you!!!

 ha ha
 Dude, you look like a crime scene.
 You'd think they'd at least close your eyelids...



 Read the  Previous Issue
 It was the best issue ever.

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