Clearly, Gore Won Florida by 10,000 votes
From: Lo Phat Ham
Subject: Chad Dealers taking Over the Streets
The head of the South Florida office of the Chad Enforcement Agency
(CEA) today announced
the seizure of 220 kilos of illegal chads, the largest bust to date in the unrelenting Chad War that
grips Southern Florida. In the latest bust, 220 kilos of chad was detected by chad-sniffing dogs
and recovered from the false bottom of a Florida-bound freighter.
CEA Special Agent in Charge, Paul Maphinger, held a press conference to explain the situation.
“This is one kilo of 100% pure, Broward County “Swinging Door’ Chads,”
Agent Maphinger stated as he held up a gallon freezer bag full of the tiny bits of paper.
“This single kilo can be cut up to ten times by being mixed with normal shredded ballot
paper and you would then have over 22 pounds of “street grade” chad. Swinging Door Chad
(the highest grade chad) sells for approximately $200 an ounce, so.. ..do the math. That means
that this single kilo represents over $70,000 to the dealer on the street. Today’s bust has kept
more than 15 million dollars worth of high-grade chad out of the hands of our nations elderly.”
Agent Maphinger continued, “That’s right, folks.. ..Chad has become
designer drug for those over 60 years of age. Our jails are quickly filling
up with bewildered masses of octogenarians, all tweaking on chad. Smoking
the chad is the preferred method of consumption, though some non-smokers
prefer to grind the chad into a fine powder and rub it on the insides of their eyelids.”
This reporter has seen the effects with his own eyes. Chad usage is
spot if you know what to look for Sign wielding is one of the most common
symptoms. Drive down the streets of Broward County and you’ll see crowds of
retirees with bleary eyes holding signs that say things like “Did I vote?”
and “I’m not sure what happened, but I know it was unfair!”.
Though this latest bust is sure to hurt the chad cartel to some degree,
it will by no means
stop the flow of illegal chad that is taking over the streets of Broward Counry.. ..and, to a
lesser degree, the rest of the state of Florida. On the positive side Chad is non-addictive
and has been shown to be very high in fiber.
I’m just sayin’…
Lo Phat Ham Rogue Reporter
Subject: Machine Math
Next time you get money at the ATM, don't count it. Machines are more
accurate than people and any error would be random and not statistically
significant. You would be too subjective in counting your own money and
therefore would not be reliable.
Well, I'm angry again.
Where is the response from the left?
Everywhere you look, you hear horror stories about Democrats cheating
with the ballots, but I don't hear any counter-charges by our team.
Is our team admitting Bush is being cheated?
If our side had any intention of winning, you'd think we'd be flinging
counter-charges against the Republican cheaters - but where? When?
On the Sunday shows, which, granted are all slanted right, there
horror story after horror story about 39 felons voting for Gore,
about the Gore camp throwing away the ballots from our military boys,
tape on the ballots, Bush ballots going in the Gore piles,
and never any hint that abuses are taking place on both sides.
Seems to me somebody needs to do something.
Where the hell is Gore?
Where the hell are Gore's people?
Where is anybody from the left?
Don't give me any crap about "they're busy with the courts,"
because we're losing this public opinion war - big time.
Read your local Letters to the Editor columns - it's almost all pro-Smirk.
Has our side just given up?
How could Gore win the popular vote and Bush's people still monopolize
the airwaves and the print media and the Internet?
If our side doesn't want to win,
if we're just going to lie back and enjoy it,
why don't we just shake Bush's hand and tell him that the best man won?
I'm not trying to burn any bridges, but I keep hearing about how
Gore will cave in
and be stronger to fight again in 2004. Hey, I want a fighter in 2004.
If Gore's not willing to fight now, why should we hand him the nomination again?
Stroke Me, Stroke Me
"Who knows what this court will gonna
-- Captain Oink, end of today's first hour.
You see what the poor bastard's problem is? He wanted to
"Who knows what this court will do?"
"Who knows what this court's gonna do."
But his stroke-addled brain is so fried, it can no longer connect
How long before Rush announces his retirement and Hannity takes over?
Subject: Truer words were never spoken...
I'm a Democrat. You're a Republican.
Let's Be Friends.
I'll Hug Your Elephant.
You Can Kiss My Ass.
Did you hear that one Florida judge ask,
"Do we even have any authority here?
Or are we just jerking off?"
Why is a Florida Supreme Court judge asking the opposing lawyers
if they have any power? It reminds me of that idiot judge I went before
and he asked me what I expected him to do with the judgment I just won.
I'm always talking about the fun-filled answers I'd give a hostile
when asking me an open-ended question - too bad snappy comebacks
aren't a wise move when answering a stupid-ass, ignorant judge
So much has happened, we haven't had a chance to look back on the campaign.
There is so much to criticize the whore press for, but the biggest
criticism has to
be that Bush made it thru the primaries and the general election without having to
answer any questions about his drug use, his lack of experience, or even any
substantive questions on foreign or domestic policy.
It appears we have elected a total idiot to lead us.
In 1992, whenever Ross Perot was asked how he'd solve a problem
"We're going to roll up our sleeves and get under the hood and fix it.
Let's measure twice and cut once," but the press said "That's not good enough."
Eight years later, when asked a question in the debates, Gore
would give a long,
boring answer stating his position on different policy initiatives, and then Bush
would say, "I can lead people. I'm a uniter, not a divider," and the press and the
voters fell in love and rolled over for him.
To make things worse, several times Bush would avoid a tough question
"I think it's time to move to another subject" or "If that's what I said, then I'm for it
but if it's not what I said then I'm against it."
And again, the headlines screamed, "Bush - master of details."
After each debate, you could switch channels and hear pundit after pundit praise
the "command of the facts" that Bush displayed, even tho he did no such thing.
The only explanation I can come up with is that Rush and Fox News are winning.
Subject: Nader: Rape the Vote!
Just a few short weeks ago, Nader was busy drumming up votes in states
Oregon, Iowa and Florida. "Vote!" he says. "Vote your hopes, not your fears!"
Now that Nader's shot his wad, where is he now?
There are no calls from votenader.org to reclaim the honor of the electoral process,
only the links "Gore=Bush Administration" and "Gore is Responsible for Gore's Electoral Problems."
He's busy saying that nothing is his fault. I guess if it's
not Nader who's being denied the White House,
it's not his problem any more. So much for the "daily citizenship" he loves to blather about.
I've got a great slogan for his next campaign: "Rape the Vote!"
Were all those journalists looking to prove George W. Bush
once had a thing for cocaine barking up the wrong orifice?
Former Major League pitcher Bill "Spaceman" Lee would certainly have you think so.
Just a few days before the election, Lee, a lefty who pitched
for Montreal and Boston,
told the Montreal Gazette he supported Bush because he was his kind of party man.
"Back in '73, we rolled a couple of doobies and smoked them together,"
Lee told the paper.
"And I can tell you, he definitely inhaled."
It's that kind of rebel spirit Lee believes we need in the White House.
"The way things are now," he told the paper, "people just want to party.
George W. is the kind of guy you can party with."
13 MYTHS ABOUT THE RESULTS OF THE 2000 ELECTION
Newt Gingrich, once the crusading, incendiary, polarizing speaker of
House, sits with the blinds drawn in a small office on K Street in downtown
Washington, furnished with only a desk, a credenza, a laptop computer and
a bookcase that is not yet filled. He has been reduced to promoting a
drive-in climate conditioner that will allow long-distance truckers to stay
warm or cool at truck stops without having to keep their engines running.
The contraption, still in its prototype phase, will be made by a Tennessee
start-up company with the unlikely name Idle-Aire.
"This is a system that hangs over a truck and you put your credit card
and get heat, air- conditioning, phone, video and the Internet, too!"
Mr. Gingrich exclaimed in an interview. "It will reduce a significant cause of pollution.
It will increase the quality of life of truckers. And it costs a little less than diesel fuel to operate.
This is the example of what I'm looking for — the use of technology in the marketplace.
And I'm happy to talk to chain-store owners about it."
"Worst error" in history still haunting US television networks
Two weeks after the still-undecided presidential election, US television
reeling from the aftershocks of the "worst error" in television history and continue to
defend themselves against charges of being sell-out lazy whores.
On November 7, major cable and network news channels fell into the pitfall
predictions and were forced not once but three times to retract and correct their projections.
An early award of Florida's 25 electoral votes to Vice President Al
Gore was withdrawn.
An award of those same votes to Texas Governor George W. Bush was recanted.
But most egregiously, the award of the 43rd presidency of the United
States to Bush,
was also corrected, after Florida was deemed too close to call.
"You are probably furious with us and I don't blame you," confessed Dan Rather.
"We are conducting a thorough review of election night procedures,"
lied CBS VP Linda Mason.
"What happened is a blow to our credibility. We have to earn back the trust."
Hey, do us original donors get to be "charter
members" of the Bartcop inner circle,
so when you get to be famous we can come backstage, drink all the champagne
and demolish the snack tray?
Liz, you betcha.
I'm working on a deal now to try and get bartcop.com designated a church
so all contributions can be tax deductible.
By the way Rush Limbaugh's sight was #1 last week in the poles, what about yours?
How about a recount' till it's what you want !
Good note, Dude.
Here's the deal:
I did some Catholic math last week, and one time when I ciphered it,
the numbers said Rush was currently 57 times bigger than bartcop.com
Now, he's got me dollar-wise by $20,000,000 a year, no argument there.
But numbers, if you twist them the right way, say something.
I feel like a middleweight.
I have to get bigger before I can fight the champ.
Not wanting to be sure, I didn't do the math a second time.
No, we'll wait and check our math later...
Now, let's talk about you!
...if I had a call screener,
I'd have her send you a "bartcop.com Warriors t-shirt"
Plus, let's talk about putting you to work.
I agree to pay you 80K + expenses if you'll be my comedy sidekick!
Two conditions, tho:
You have to allow us to use your spelling problem in the act, ...and,
you have to agree - in writing - to keep the haircut and glasses.
We'll be rich , Dude!
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It was so good, we sent it to the Academy.
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