Volume 335 - My Sorrows, they Learned to Swim

 November 21, 2000


 Hi, my name is David Boise.
 I'm a lawyer, a damn good one, too.
 When  I woke up this morning, I billed at $350 per hour.
 Now, I bill at $600 per hour.

 For breakfast, I chew and spit out the army of billionaire lawyers from Microsoft.
 I skip lunch, to play tennis.
 For dinner, I chew and spit out the best lawyers oil money can buy.
 I am not to be fucked with.

 It's not fair, it's not fair.
 If we had known the court would follow the law,
 we wouldn't have gambled everything on Jeb & Kathy's count.
 It's not fair, it's not fair!!

 ha ha

 Today's Dr Laura Moment

 Caller: Dr. Laura, I have a moral dilemma.

 Bitch: Tell me about it.

 Caller: I had a baby 5 months ago, and now my sister-in-law is pregnant
             and she asked if I had any extra baby clothes I could give to her.

 Bitch:  Are you thru having kids forever?

 Caller: Without a doubt. I had my tubes tied.

 Bitch: Is you sister-in-law married?

 Caller: ........ no..........

 Bitch: Fuck her, then. You can't support immorality
           Give those clothes to someone else.
           Give those clothes to some charity
           You should never reward deviant, immoral behavior.

 I almost drove off the fucking road.
 What possible gain could that slut-whore see in denying that unwed mother some baby clothes?
 We're talking about baby clothes!
 If it was a trip to Vegas or Mardi Gras, maybe you could find a moral imperative here,
 but clothes for the newborn baby?

 We can assume the unwed mother needed money - who wants to ask for hand-me-downs from
 the damn in-laws, and here's Dr. Spread Legs counselling this woman to screw her sister-in-law?

 Even if you feel some Biblical-nonsense reason to take a stand - it's a baby!
 How does it help that poor bastard get a start in life when your family refuses to
 chip in with some used goddamn clothes for Christ's sake?

 Laura, if someone had told me when I woke up today that I would hear you say something
 on the radio that would lower my opinion of you and your money-grubbing morality schtick,
 I would've bet them that they were wrong, because my opinion of you was absolute zero.

 But now you have plowed new ground, you soulless harpy c-word.
  (I deserve a round of applause for not saying "cunt.")

 Lars Eric Nelson Dead at 59
  We've lost another liberal voice

 New York Daily News columnist Lars-Erik Nelson has died.
 Nelson, 59, was a former Daily News bureau chief in Washington and was
 a columnist for the newspaper at the time of his death.

 President Clinton issued a statement expressing sadness at Nelson's death,
 calling him "a fearless, independent, no-nonsense  reporter and columnist
 who believed in getting to the heart of the story and getting it right."

 Nelson's true gift, Clinton said, "was translating complex stories about our democracy
 for the American people. He did it with humor and a dogged pursuit for the truth."
 "As his friends knew, beneath his gruff exterior was a gentle spirit and a warm heart.
 Hillary and I will miss him and the unique insight that he shared with New York and the entire nation."

 Nelson died at home Monday while watching television. (No doubt, the Florida fiasco)
 The cause of death has not been determined.

 Click  Here  to read his last column.

 But somehow, twice in two years, we have seen our country's most important
 political decisions taken out of our hands and made subject to the arguments
 of people who seem to be making the law up as they go along.

 Stroke Me, Stroke Me

 "Gore picked up another 170 votes today. They will be subtracted from
   the 130...er 700....er  ...970.........er.......170.........er................930"
   -- Today, third hour

From: jamie@gcsx.net

Subject: Donating to  bartcop.com


Wanted instructions on donations.
Should checks be made out to Bartcop, bartcop.com, or what?


Jamie,  bartcop.com  would be OK, and thanks.

P.S. On Friday, I went to the Rio Grande Restaurant in Arlington, VA.
While my friend was ordering margaritas, undoubtedly using some kind
of bottled piss like Jose Cuervo, I looked up at the bar, and for the first time,
feasted my eyes on an actual bottle of Chinaco Anejo.

Being the dutiful fan of Bartcop that I am, I felt it my obligation to sample this nectar.
Let me say that it is the first kind of tequila that I could actually sip, rather than just down.
I've had other tequilas that I liked (Herradura), and I've had sub-Cuervo tequilas as well (Aristocrat).
But the Chinaco was clearly in a league by itself. When my friend noticed that I was trying a tequila
he had never heard of, he mentioned that at some point, he wanted to try Cabo Wabo.

I just scoffed, and enjoyed my beer.

P.P.S. We later went to the Austin Grill in upper Georgetown.
Austin Grill also serves Chinaco. I couldn't resist it.

...ain't nothing like a sip o' Chinaco.

Starr doesn't expect invitation from Smirk

Hardon Kenneth Starr, the most hated man in America, says he's not expecting
to be asked to serve in a Smirk Adminsitration, should there be one.

At a gathering of the non-profit Alabama Policy Institute in Birmingham, H.K. said,
" I managed perhaps to do more than my share of public service.
   I don't hear any clamor to get Ken Starr back in poublic life."

That's right - Kenneth!
You could've been a Supreme Court judge, but noooooooooooooo.
Your penis fetish clouded what little judgement you had.
You lost everything, Kenny.
Your job with Big cancer, your pride, your self-respect.

Oh, well, Kenneth,
You'll always have your semen-stained copy of your referral, you prick.

 Great Green Quotes

 "Let the voters who said there's no difference between Bush and Gore wait until
   Big Oil's candidate gets in the White House.  George Bush is going to take all
   those Greens to school, and we're all going to pay the tuition."
      -- Mike Casey, spokesman for Environmental Working Group

From: glensmith@mindspring.com

Subject: Charlie Ruff

How about a shot of Chinaco for Charles Ruff?


Glen, good idea.
I never knew much about Charles Ruff.
The first time I ever saw him was at the culmination of the Great Cock Hunt.
He seemed to be a top shelf lawyer.

They say at the time of his death, he was helping Gore with the Florida fiasco.
Clinton showed great judgement in choosing Ruff to represent him.
Of course, Pigboy said Clinton did it to "play the cripple card,"
but that's just the scumbag Pigboy showing his true colors again.
Unlike Gregg Craig, Ruff never "borrowed" anything from  bartcop.com

It took a team of great lawyers to preserve the people's choice as president.
Craig, Bumpers, Ruff and Clinton, himself - they worked as a team and gave America back
their right to have the president they voted for, but then again, what am I saying?
Maybe they just prolonged those rights for two years - we'll know soon.

 In an interview with the New York Daily News, Ruff said his decision
 to lead Clinton's legal team was no choice at all:

 ''When the president of the United States asks you to do something,
 you don't say, 'Let me think about it.'

 You say, 'How can I help you, Mr. President.' ''

 Yes, a shot of Chinaco for Charles Ruff.

 Great True Quotes

"What Nader did was to impulsively betray a lifetime of painstaking, frustrating,
   but most often effective efforts on his part to make a better world. He is a good man
   who went very wrong and who now seems to find solace from his egregious error
   of judgement by getting drunk on his own words.

  The day after the election wreckage he helped to cause, he was more arrogant than ever
  in his condemnation of the Democratic Party as evil incarnate. It is nothing of the sort.
  The Democratic party, for all it's contradictions and shortcomings, is the essential arena
  for progressives to fight for their programs."
   -- Robert Scheer, contributing editor, Los Angeles Times

 Supermodel Heather Stewart-Whyte says,

 Don't get behind...

 Read  bartcop.com  every day!

 Great Republican Quotes

 "Jeb and Kathy have ruled on this election. They say I won Florida fair and square.
  It looks to me like Vice President Gore has a very serious problem when it comes to
  accepting the will of the pe...  Uh, ...the elections results. Now, Vice President Gore
  wants the Florida Supreme Court, which has no jurisdiction over the laws of Florida,
  to rule on this matter and they should just butt out."
    -- Smirk, more nervous than a whore in church

  Smirk has taken steps to make that happen.
  Uncle James and Uncle Dick have filed a motion with the Florida Supreme Court
  advising them that they have "no jurisdiction" over the laws in their state.

  You see, in Texas, when Smirk wants something done his way,
  he picks up the phone and issues the order and that's that.
  That's how he was brought up, that's the only way he knows...

  ...and this half-wit thinks he buy and bully his way into the White House?
  Koresh help him if he succeeds.

GOP Backs Hand Recount in Texas Race

     As Texas Gov. George W. Bushs campaign lambasted the hand
recount in Florida, a Texas Republican is hoping a manual recount could help win
him a seat in the State House of Representatives. And theyll be checking chads.
     A bipartisan group of residents in Texass northeastern Smith County will gather
Monday to begin counting ballots by hand. But instead of relying on a machine count,
the group will use a method endorsed in a 1997 law signed by Bush.

Click  Here

           (Click Re-Load)

From: efestag@mail.alac.org

To:  rush@eibnet.com
Cc:  bartcop@bartcop.com

Subject: Bartcop rules


ha ha
Eckard Festag sends El Pigbo a few  less-than-flattering  e-mails a day.
Go get 'em, Eckard!

 Some of the grapfix provided to  bartcop.com  have been
 provided by http://www.greengrafix.com/

 Why not give them a click, see what they have.

 Tax Cut's Dead on Arrival

 WASHINGTON - If Smirk the Wonder Pooch survives chad hell and becomes
 the 43rd President, the first casualty of his administration is already clear
  his precious $1.3 trillion tax cut is a goner.

 Senior Bush aides have privately concluded that given the closeness and
 acrimony of this election, there's simply no chance for President Smirk to
 make good on his sacred vow to ease the tax "burden" on the super-rich.

 "The circumstances of the election have limited what we can do legislatively,"
 a senior Bush adviser acknowledges."The best we can hope for is an extremely
 limited tax cut and probably none at all."

 It's not clear whether Smirk, who at every stop along the campaign trail pledged to
 return "the people's money" in the form of a tax cut, agrees with that assessment.
 But sources close to Smirk say he'd cluelessly submit the tax plan to Congress
 early in his whites-only administration.

 "There's no way he can get a tax bill enacted," a prominent Republican elder says.
 "But he can't back off in light of the treason in his family history."

 At the 1988 GOP convention, Smirk-Daddy, George herbert-herbert Bush
 uttered the immortal lie: "Read my lips - no new taxes." Then he turned right around
 and betrayed those very people he swore to help and increased taxes like a sixties
 liberal democrat. As a president who could be trusted, his credibility was shot to hell
 when people realized the son of a bitch stabbed them in the back only to gain re-election.
 Smirk knows that his father's broken pledge cost him the 1992 election.

 For that reason, aides say, he will press ahead with his tax proposal to preserve what's left
 of his own credibility and to reward the Fourth Reich faction of the Republican base for
 their support in the election.

 Giving tax "relief" to the super-rich was a centerpiece of Smirk's campaign.
 Throughout the fall, he introduced a "tax family" at every stop -  causing titters even
 amongst his fawning press entourage - because his "tax family" was invariably a DuPont,
 a Carnegie or a Mellon. Bush would point out that if you had a stable of million-dollar
 polo ponies, you would get very little tax "relief" from Gore's plan for targeted tax cuts.

 Polls consistently showed that most voters thought Bush's tax cut was horseshit
 and that tax relief wasn't a priority for ninety-five percent of Americans.

 Bush again avoided comment yesterday on the Florida electoral crisis. Attending to an
 upcoming execution of another retarded Texas man at his office at the state Capitol in Austin,
 Smirk was asked by a reporter about his mood, he smirked, "I is the president, ain't I?"

 What are they saying in France?

"de nouveau, le destin de la démocratie américaine est aux mains des bataillons des
  avocats, des jurists et des experts juridiques dont les costumes de somber dominent
  sans interruption tous les canaux de télévision pendant que les canaux eux-mêmes
  enchantent en pouvant, par le suspens désespéré, s'arrêter en fonction à leurs
  assistances en fuite. De nouveau, la classe politique panique, mais l'opinion publique
  met à jour avec confiance le serenity remarquable. JO Simpson? Monica? Elian?
  Ce saga n'a pas encore un nom - se trouve là-dedans le problème. "

 For you non-Catholics, here's a translation.

"Once again, the fate of American democracy is in the hands of battalions
  of lawyers,  jurists and judicial experts whose somber suits continuously
  dominate all television channels as the channels themselves delight in being able,
 through the desperate suspense, to hang on to their fleeing audiences. Once again,
 the political class panics, but public opinion confidently maintains remarkable serenity.
 OJ Simpson? Monica? Elian?  This saga doesn't yet have a name - therein lies the problem."
    --  Le Monde

From: satherman@earthlink.net

Subject: Republican's 23rd Psalm

Bush is my shepherd. I shall always want.
He maketh me to lie on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts in the Republican Party.
He guideth me to the path of unemployment for the Party's sake.

Yeah though I walk through the valley of soup kitchens,
I am still hungry.
I do fear evil for thou art against me.
Though anointest my income with taxes.
So that my expenses runneth over.
Surely poverty and hard living will follow me
All the day of the Republican Party.
And I shall live in a rented house forever.

 Strange but True
   from The Associated Press

 On national television and in news columns and editorial cartoons across the country, ridiculing Harris knows
 few bounds. She has been maligned for her attire, her lipstick and, most vehemently, the way she does her job.
  ``It's so cold in Florida,'' Jay Leno said, that Harris ``wore a third layer of makeup today!''

 Or, as the Washington Post said in a critique of her televised press conference last week: ``Her lips were
 overdrawn with berry-red lipstick - the creamy sort that smears all over a coffee cup and leaves smudges on
 shirt collars.''

 Harris, Smirk's Florida campaign manager, has attempted to declare Bush the winner of Florida - and
 thereby the White House. She declared an end to Florida's chaotic tabulations even though three southern
 Florida counties, highly populated and predominantly Democratic, are now recounting by hand.
 Harris has circled the wagons and refused interviews, so it's hard to tell just who she is.

 Who is she?

 Harris has listed her net worth as more than $6.5 million, according to her latest financial disclosure.
 Until Nov. 7, Harris' $106,000-a-year job consisted largely of overseeing the certification of election results,
 maintaining historical and cultural resources, and keeping the state's public records. But her public service
 to that point had not been without its bumps.

 She was forced to reimburse more than $20,000 in illegal campaign contributions from the founder
 of Riscorp Inc., an insurer. Though she denied wrongdoing and was not charged, federal prosecutors
 discovered campaign memos indicating her staff was aware of the kickbacks.

 In two years on the job, Harris spent $100,000 of Florida taxpayer's money on "foreign trade missions"
 to such financial powehouses as Barbados and Brazil. Her travel expenses were significantly higher than the
 other five Cabinet member, and three times higher than Gov Bush.

 (Ediotr's note: She's a pampered little princess, isn't she?)

 Harris defended her extravagant travel expenses, saying she has brought "international trade" to Florida
 and established "cultural ties" such as, (and I'm not making this up) a "cooperative ballet between the
 state of Florida and Mexico."

 (Jesus Christ - a Mexican ballet? She spent how many hundreds of thousands of dollars to
  bring the Mexican ballet to Florida?)

 Her position is so vital to the financial interests of Florida, her cabinet position is being abolished
 as soon as her bony ass gets out of this constitutional crisis her extreme partisanship has caused.

 More sordid details

 In 1994, Harris was implicated in a campaign-finance scheme surrounding her first run for office.
 She was forced to reimburse $20,000 after state regulators discovered that employees of Riscorp
 Inc, an insurance company, were improperly reimbursed for their contributions to her campaign.

 Just this year, she was criticized for spending $30,000 so Bush ally Norman Schwartzkopf
 could urge Floridians to vote. I guess Floridians weren't supposed to remember that Norm
 was campaigning for Smirk.

 What kind of woman is this Kathy Harris?

                     (Click re-load to see)

 All this tension... we need a Page Two Girl to soothe the beast

 Click  Here

 Read the  Previous Issue
 It was so good, we sent it to the Academy.

 Go Home to  bartcop.com

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