Volume 343 - Make Me Smile

 November 29, 2000

 Does Jay Leno read bartcop.com ?
  This is the smallest, shortest  clip ever.

 Click  Here

From:  tpatrick@usgift.com

Subject: Apology


I want to take the time to apologize to you and all of your web friends for
making those comments.  I went way overboard.  But I still stand fast in my
believe that Al Gore would be very bad for this country that he has tried to
dishonestly rig the election in his favor.

I will be glad to debate you thursday night.  It will be fun!
Again, please accept my apologies for the comments,
but I get very pissed off when I see things that are so blatently wrong...
Sent from tpatrick@usgift.com

Todd, I understand.
Politics can bring out a lot of passion.
I get a lot of second-letters that are different than the first.
Hopefully you saw some humor in my reply.

Thursday night could be a hot one!
Runningwolf (Marcy's husband) might drop by, (we had some e-mail get crossed)
and maybe you'll be there and I'll be there because ER squats these days, so let's get it on!

Thursday 9 PM - bartcop.com chat room

 I have a quote - for the younger readers of  bartcop.com
 It's real possible you've never heard it before, because the press won't
 tell you anything about Clinton except which direction his cock leans.

 Just before he was elected in 1992, our economy was pure-D shit.
 Reagan and Bush got their huge tax cuts for the super rich, and got us in wars
 and dumped us into recessions not seen since the 1930's

 You kids may not believe this - ask your parents -  just 8-10 years ago,
 the economy was such shit, you couldn't get a job no matter what.
 If you weren't trained, they'd just laugh at you.
 If you had a degree or a skill, they'd say, "We can't hire you, because if the
 economy ever comes back, you'll leave us in heartbeat."

 It was hell, unless you were from old money or had friends in the CIA.

 I forget who, maybe someone will remember, but some reporter stuck a camera in
 Clinton's face and said, "If we trust you with our vote, what can you do to save our economy?"

 Great Clinton Quotes

 "I am going to focus on this economy like a laser beam. I will work non-stop to turn this
   mess around and create new jobs and lower the deficit and fix the things that are wrong."

 The Republicans, in unison, hooted like hyenas and ridiculed Bill Clinton.
 I have the exact quotes buried somewhere in a back issue, but who has the time to look?

 "The banks will fail. Clinton's plans will only worsen the recession."
   -- Armey the foul-mouthed Dick, Degree in Economics

 "Clinton's pie-in-the-sky fantasies will crash our economy."
   -- Phil Graam, pornographer, Degree in Economics

 "A guaranteed disaster, without a doubt."
  -- Newt Gingrich, scumbag, thief, History professor

 And when this happened...

 ...every lying son of a bitch Republican changed their tune.

"This is Reagan's recovery!"
  -- Armey, the foul-mouthed Dick

"Reagan laid the groundwork, but Clinton wants all the credit."
 -- Phil Graam, pornographer

"Bill Clinton did not contribute anything to this recovery."
 -- Newt the scumbag

 "Name one thing that Clinton did to help the economy."
 -- The vulgar Pigboy

 That's right.
 After guaranteeing Clinton would ruin the country, they switched 180 and said,
 "We knew all along Reagan's genius would save us."

 And the reason you younger kids are reading this story for the first goddamn time
 is the American whore press will only talk about Clinton's mistakes.

 Look at the chart, one more time:

 Look at that massive plunge we took in 1981, when Reagan was elected.
 Look at the plunge!

 Then look what happened in 1993, when the "laser beam" got turned on.
 Bill Clinton saved this damn country.

 And how did America repay this multi-trillion-dollar gift Clinton gave us?
 We tried to fuck him.
 What other man, besides Bill Clinton, could have survived that impeachment fraud?
 That was a horseshit set-up from the start.

 You say Clinton had his flaws?
 Yeah, he did.
 We know about Clinton's weaknesses, because we all got a good look.
 We've never looked at another man so close in all of history.
 Elvis, JFK, the Beatles, Jesus Christ - nobody has ever had so many scurrilous
 shit-for-brains lies told about them with as little proof or provocation as Bill Clinton:

 - Nine years of the never-ending GOP hate machine and their outrageous lies.

 - Drudge and the Internet, sending the wildest, unverified rumors around the globe in seconds,
   and the American whore press printing every slur they maybe, might've heard.
   Some, like the New York Whore Times, on the front fucking page.

 - The non-stop, 24/7 cable TV talk shows. If they didn't have a story, they made shit up.

 - Dateline, 20/20, Dateline again, Nightline, 20/20 Downtown, Dateline again, 60 Minutes,
   the Today Show, Dateline again, Good Morning America, and on and on.

 - The Sunday shows, starring Tim Russert and his obsession with Clinton's cock.

   That's only the beginning.
   We haven't gotten to the abuse of government yet.

 - The FBI, the Arkansas State police, the snooping-on-their-boss Secret Service reduced to
   watching the president to see if he might be breaking any telephone laws, or talking to that man
   with slanted eyes, tattling on the president  instead of doing their goddamn jobs.
   That makes me fucking sick. .

 - The Justice Department, sending more agents to comb Arkansas for trailer trash whores
   than they used for the World Trade Center bombing and TWA 800 COMBINED!
   They wanted Clinton's cock more than they wanted to save lives.

 - The Larry Klayman, Dan Burton, Bob Barr, Tennessee Tuxedo and Henry Hyde and his
    merry band of cock-starved House manager elves. And the top asshole in all of government,
    Hardon Kenneth Starr.   Remember, he had his agents rifle thru Hillary's underwear drawers
    in their bedroom just to prove what a cock-sucker he could be. After all, she might've been
    hiding "important evidence" in her freshly-washed panties, right?

 -  One abusive distraction after another, drawing up subpoenas for literally millions of pages of
    documents, desperately searching for something,- anything to blame on Bill Clinton,
    all the while squealing for the eager press that "This raises more troubling questions."

 - There are so many dozens more - Susan McDougal, Julie Hyatt Steele, the CIA dirty tricks,
    Jerry Falwell's "Proof of 40 Murders" video and Pat Robertson and Bob Jones raising money
    to stop "demon Clinton" from forcing homosexuality on your children.

 -  It kept going and kept going until they finally impeached him for doing what Newt and some
    House managers were currently guilty of.  That scumbag Davip Shippers brought his hooker
    to the goddamn impeachment trial to impress her with how big and important he was.

 - The country begged them to stop, but like a drunken date-rapist, they had to reach orgasm
    before they had any chance of regaining control, and they haven't yet.

  THIS is how we treated the best president we've ever had.
  THIS is how we repaid his hundred-hours-a-week hard work for all those years.

 Clinton worked harder than any president we've ever known, and he got the job done.
 He did it better than any president before him.

 Well, we as a country are about to get our payback.
 For the last eight years, we've been riding in the Mercedes 500 SEL.
 Now, we're either going to get the shiny Grand Am or the Escort that knocks.

 We're going to miss Bill Clinton.
 Someday, I'd like to shake his hand and say, "Thank you, Mr President."

 I remember the night of his first Inaugural, Clinton said:
 "Thank you for putting your faith in me. I hope you're as proud of me
   at the end of my term as you are tonight, just as we're about to get started."

 We are proud of you, Mr President.

 As long as there's a  bartcop.com  I won't let people forget what you did for us.

 ...and George Bush and the lying GOP and the cock-hungry press can kiss my ass!

 From: (withheld)

 Subject: Dr Laura's vulgar photo 'spread'

 Hey Bartcop, could you please avoid putting nude pix on your 'Latest' page?
 I read this at work from time to time, and could get my butt fired for downloading nudity.
 A link to the pix would be fine, because I could then choose not to follow the link.
 When I'm at home (as now) I can follow any link I want.

 I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem.


 That's a problem I haven't figured out yet.
 I sure don't want to get anybody in trouble.

 Comedy is very hard to do, and would be much harder if I set up a joke
 and gave the reader a URL to follow to search for the punch line.
 At least in my own head, there's a timing thing going on, and a detour kills the joke.

 It's the comedy equivalent of "Honey, I'm going to the drugstore for condoms."
 Sure, it'd work, but would it be worth it?

 I see three options:
 1. Running to the drugstore just before the climax of the joke,
 2. Putting up a big sign that says, "There's a nude punch line at the end of this joke,"
     which really is the same as the drugstore, but saving the gas expense,
 3. That excellent idea you, the reader has, to solve this problem.

Someone suggest something...

 Poisonous Rhetoric Shows Bush Is Dividing the Nation
  By Joe Conason   (The link is fixed)

 Click  Here

 From Jon Stewart:

 Robert Downey Jr was arrested again for drugs.

 This time he was caught in Merv Griffin's Palm Springs luxury hotel with cocaine and speed.
 Police say they got an anonymous tip, probably from someone with whom Downey
 refused to share the cocaine and the speed.

 From Anne Hutchins

 Dave does Smirk
 (Short  file)

 Click  Here

       Ahab vs. The Waco Whale
           By MAUREEN DOWD

          WASHINGTON - President-elect(?) Mini-Me has not yet started gnawing
          on his cat, as the "Austin Powers" Mini-Me did to the hairless Mr. Bigglesworth.
          But W. is starting to weird me out.

          Why is our kinda-sorta chief executive the low man on his own totem pole?

          We knew that his political nannies told him stuff only on a need-to-know
          basis. But now that the guy is seconds away from the White House, we
          learn that his handlers deal with him on a needs-not-to-know basis.

          Last week in Austin, our Wannabe President George W. Bush, miniature clone of
          President George Bush, happily told reporters that Dick Cheney had "had no heart attack."

          The hospital, the Cheney family and Mr. Bush's press aide, Karen Hughes,
       knew that Mr. Cheney had, that morning, undergone a heart procedure.
          But Ms. Hughes did not tell that to her boss before he spoke so rosily
          and ignorantly about Mr. Cheney's condition.

          When the election ended, Mini-Me was shocked that he had not won in a landslide.
          His strategists had apparently failed to inform him that things were getting tight, just as they
          hadn't alerted him that he was cratering in New Hampshire.
          Did they not trust him with the information, fearing he might get cranky?

          Presidents get dangerously insulated in the White House.
          But this boy's in a bubble before he even gets to the Oval bubble.
          But Mini-Me also seems lost, because he isn't consumed enough with
          nailing down and planning his presidency. The grown-ups keep sending
          him off to play. They know he doesn't like messes, he doesn't do serious well
          and he can't do follow-up answers except to refer reporters to
          James Baker, his Manchurian operator.

          So it's best to let him go fool around at the ranch or go to the gym for
          three-hour workouts while they take care of complicated stuff like the
          Supreme Court and the trompe l'oeil transition, and while they try to
          restore Poppy's White House to its original glory, as lovingly as though it
          were da Vinci's "Last Supper."

          "The usual case would have been for Dick Cheney to go to all the
          funerals and George Bush to do all the work," says Rahm Emanuel, a
          former Clinton adviser. "But it's turning out the other way around.
          Cheney needs a patients' bill of rights."

          Mr. Cheney was the most reluctant of campaigners. But now we are in
          the Cheney ascendancy. The Bush team hurried him out of his hospital
          bed to the microphones because they know he sounds reassuring, mature.

          During the campaign, W. had a swagger, a John Wayne gunslinger pose.
          But now when he comes out to face the cameras he blinks and shrinks,
          looking tremulous and frightened, dwarfed by American flags.

          He struggles to exude authority. He furrows his brow, trying to look
          more sagacious, but he ends up looking as if he has indigestion.
          Appearing confused at his own speech, he seems like a first-grade actor
          in a production of "James and the Giant Peach." Are his blinks Morse
          code for "Oh, man, don't let that teleprompter break"?

          Republicans sanguinely compare him to Ronald Reagan, but at least
          President Reagan had the gift of reassurance before the camera.

          It's telling that CNN's Candy Crowley, who covers the Texas governor, is not only
          better on TV, but much harder-working and better informed than her subject.

          Karen Hughes tried to make Mini-Me appear statesmanlike by saying
          that, while no foreign leaders had called to congratulate W., he had
          placed a call to congratulate Vicente Fox on his upcoming unclouded
          inauguration as president of Mexico. Whenever he seems callow, W.
         cleaves to his friendly neighbor to the south to show international flair.

          Asked yesterday why Mini-Me had retreated yet again to the Waco
          ranch, Ms. Hughes said it was "a tranquil place where it's easy to do
          some thinking and reflecting."

          Nice try. Mini-Me is not Proust in the Brambles.

          W. does not seem to grasp that the president can't delegate the presidency itself.
          Of course, his aides might not have told him that yet.

 First, Maureen Dowd looks like Henry Hyde from the waist down.

 Now, do you think the GOP doesn't understand that Smirk is a brainless child?
 Or are they consciously putting America in great peril - just to have the White House?

 Sure, they hated Clinton's guts, but Clinton was smart as hell.
 Any question any reporter had for Bill Clinton was answered with an immediate
 six-point plan with budget numbers and success percentages calulated.

 They couldn't stump Clinton, unless it was another question about his cock.

 But if you ask that goofy Smirk a question with any depth or weight, he just says,
 "If that's what I said, then I agree with it. If it's not, then I don't."

 Then, on cue, Bob Schieffer praises Smirk's grasp of the issues!
 Bob, I used to think you were less whore than some, but you went nuts!
 I'll bet Smirk can beat me at Donkey Kong, but I doubt he'd be my match anywhere else.

 Bill Schneider was another guy I semi-respected until he said, "After what Clinton has done
 to the presidency, nobody will name their kid 'Bill Clinton' anymore."

 Hey, Bill!
 I've never met a Thomas Jefferson, or an Abe Lincoln or a Frank Roosevelt.
 Does that mean they were lousy presidents, too, Bill?
 I used to like you Bill.
 Then you turned moron or whore, not sure which.

 At least when they saw Clinton would win, they knew the country was in capable hands.
 But we're about to have a president with Reagan's brain and Nixon's morals.
 We're about to have a president with Reagan's brain and Nixon's morals.
 Isn't that the scariest thought of the year?

 Soon, Smirk will take the oath, the one he's been practicing for 18 months,
 so Karl Rove and Smirk Daddy's CIA buddies can get back in business.

 ...all this without having to explain the pardons from their last adventure.

 Bush Abandons the People

 Click  Here

From: Bootie516@aol.com

Subject: Republican (Rush Limbaugh)

There once was a man whose ideals were out of fashion
They lacked caring, sympathy, and compassion.
He was rotund like he'd eaten too much pie
But always he wore his "No Boundaries" tie.

When taking a break from his chocolate Chunkies
He preached his words to those conservative ditto monkeys.
On radio and TV he was sure to overact
While he regularly twisted fact after fact.

He belittled those who receive government aid
Yet from the unemployment roles he did get paid.
This hypocrite often lied and also cheated
His twisted logic was all he needed.

The party of Lincoln once gave freedom to men
It's a shame that this is the model Republican.


 [Put West Wing aside for a moment.]

 Did you know that in homes with HBO, more people watch The Sopranos than Regis?
 Think about what a hueueueueuge statement that is. The Sopranos caused so many people to order HBO,
 they gave James Gandolfini a $10,000,000 two-year contract to keep it rolling.
 That's network money.

 HBO is giving us two episodes, back to back, every Sunday.
 This is a guarantee.
 No pre-empting for some fucking Perry Como Special.

 If you've never seen The Sopranos before, this is your chance to see the every show IN ORDER,
 uncensored, unedited, unblinking and unforgiving - and commercial free.
 There's never been anything like it on TV before.

 It's my opinion that if you watch the first Sunday, and maybe the second, you will write and say,
 "BartCop, you were right. This is the best show television has ever produced."

 Most people use the word "real" to describe this show.
 It can be darkly brutal and horrific, but you will also laugh out loud - hard - a half-dozen times per hour.
 They are heartless, murderous, treacherous sons of bitches and they are devout Catholics.
 You will get to know the characters so well, you'll probably cry when one dies.

 Often, I recommend an upcoming show, only to have it blow donkey when it finally airs.
 But this is the past, and you have another chance to start from the start.
 You've never seen anything like it on your television before.
 It's the kind of show, even if you're watching it alone, that makes you stand up
 and applaud in your living room, saying, "Fucking A - fucking A!"

[Now, let's let West Wing back in the room.]

 Last year about this time, The Sopranos was the best show on television.
 West Wing was the best show on broadcast television.
 The last West Wing I saw beat the last Sopranos I saw.
 Now, they're going to compete for the title "Best Show on Television."

 ...and may they both be challenged by other, even better shows.

 I can't wait.

 Art from Greengrafix.com told me they're shutting down, due to the costs.
 That's too bad.

 The Internet needs more Democratic voices, not fewer ones.

 We've got four years of pummeling to do!

 Pat Caddell - traitor - gets exposed
 Did Pat Caddell narc on Gary Hart and Donna Rice?

 Click  Here

 Today's Page Two Girl kills vampires
 We could use her in Austin right now...

 Click  Here

 Read the  Previous Issue
 It was so good, we sent it to the Academy.

 Go Home to  bartcop.com

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