Volume 346  ...in the Lap of the Gods

 December 1, 2000 

 Stroke Me, Stroke Me

 "Bush has been spending time with Colin Powell.
   He might be appointed to the"Chief Joints of Staff."

 Thanks to Mike McCarthy

 Great Horseshit Quotes

 "Bush went to court for one reason: to uphold the US Constitution.
   But Al Gore went to court because he can't understand that he's lost this election."
   -- Hannity, in the Nazi on-deck circle

 Only in America...

 could you find a homeless combat veteran living in a cardboard box,
 while a wartime deserter was being considered for the White House...

 The Sopranos

 Damn, I don't know if I have his name right, but there's a fantastic actor
 named Joe Pantalino who's joining The Sopranos.

 When you see this guy, you'll say, "Oh, that guy," but I don't think he's
 ever been in a hit show or movie to where you'd know him to speak of.
 He was an assistant to Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive, but he was quiet.

 He's great at playing the smart, psycho type.
 Tony could use a guy like this all day - or, he could be an enemy.
 He's kind of a small guy, but he plays the pure-D insane nutcase with intensity.

 If I was going to compare him to anybody, it would be Kevin Spacey.
 You've seen Spacey to the whack-job nutboy, right?

 This'll be good, this'll be real good.

From: (withheld)

Subject: VH1 Awards

 Thanks for reminding me. Its better than watching election crap.
 Flea is probably the best bass player in rock.
 Probably the second biggest jerk in rock too, right after Lars,
 who might be the best drummer in rock.

 Give Bon Jovi credit. He had a few decent jukebox hits.
 And he had Al Gore over for dinner a few months ago.
 Gwen Sefani can have me anyway, anyhow.

 U2: keep em
 Christina: Lousy music but I want to tie her legs back like a Tyson chicken*
* Stolen from Opie and Andy.

 Creed: All the other groups hate them. The other day Stern played a
 tape of a guy from another band doing a perfect imitation of their hit, off the cuff.
 He had the voice down, jack.

 Posted anonymously to save Rich's reputation :)

 ha ha

 Cunningham Strikes again!

 Hey, Cunningham is selling some funny T-Shirts that say:

 For ordering instructions, go to his page.

 Last night, Peter Jennings said Matthew, Biblical author and
 Disciple of Jesus Christ, was a tax collector for the state of Palestine.

 A tax collector?

 The GOP would park a Ryder truck in front of  Matthew's office.

You mean...  ha ha

You mean...  hee hee

You mean...  ha ha

Smirk thinks he's still in this damn race?

ha ha

hee hee

 Prediction - Remember today's date, 12/1/00

 If Smirk gets in, everybody's going to hate him, right?
 Everybody's going to know he's a half-brain at best.

 So the first order of business will be to have the country rally 'round
 that poor incompetent clown, so they'll need a scheme to unify the people.

 I predict Rove and Baker will manufacture an immediate foreign policy "crisis."
 They'll claim Saddam is moving troops or something, and they'll get a big crisis
 team assembled at the White House and they'll rattle and spit for a few days.
 They'll move some ships around and tell the National Guard to put their people
 on alert, but then suddenly there'll be no foreign policy crisis after all.

 Then they'll say, "Due to President Smirk's iron will and determination, Saddam
 (or whoever) decided to back down because he don't want none of Smirk."

 When that happens, remember - December first.

 Debate Transcript

 Did anybody get a transcript of last night's debate?

 I tried to get one, but the only way I know how is to copy-paste,
 but it shuts off if anybody posts during the scrolling.


 Today is Rosa Parks Day at  bartcop.com

 Fifty-five years ago today, she said, "No, I won't."
 Here at  bartcop.com  our  foundation's Primary Stone is equality for blacks, gays,
 women, minorities etc., which makes me the enemy of the all-white GOP.
 If Rosa hadn't said, "No," this country might be a lot different.

 An oversized shot of Chinaco for Rosa Parks - hero.

 It's also the 60th birthday of Richard Pryor.
 Richard - you're still the king.

 I'm no lawyer, but Ted the tobacco whore is getting beat up pretty bad.
 Maybe the court is just playing Devil's Advocate (a very Catholic term)
 but they don't seem to be buying his arguments at all.

 And if Slappy would just shut up,
 maybe somebody could get in a word edgewise.

"Hi, I'm an unqualified quota-moron."

 Illusionist freed from icy confines
  The illusion was the lack of excitement.

 NEW YORK (AP) - After spending 62 hours encased in a 6-ton block of ice,
 Objection! He was "in the ice" like you get "in the airplane."
 The way this was built up, you'd think there were going to poor ice cubes over him
 as he laid in a bathtub, but noooooooo.  He sat on a stool inside an "ice cooler."

 Illusionist David Blaine was freed from his Arctic confines. Blaine emerged wobbly
 and incoherent Wednesday night after the ice was chipped away. He was quickly
 wrapped in blankets, placed on a stretcher, and whisked to a waiting ambulance.
 Oh, please! That was the height of the excitement? That we walked out wobbly?
 I out that live cam uo (above) to watch this "fascinating trick" and it was more boring
 than Joel's outrage at Smirk stealing this election.   A "waiting ambulance," my ass.
 I'll bet he had a buddy rent an ambulance.

 His condition was not immediately known.
 Sure it is - his condition is "without any entertainment value."
 What a misconceived "trick," sitting on a stool inside a block of ice.
 Hell, when I was a kid, I worked in the cooler at an orange juice bottlery.
 Sure, it was cold, but I damn sure didn't have a camera on me to see
 if I would "survive."

 The stunt was the first for Blaine since he was buried alive in a plexiglass sarcophagus
 in New York for seven days last year.
 Koresh!  Who wrote this?  His mother?
 He laid down in a plastic box and people walked by and looked at him.
 "Buried alive" sounds like tons of dirt and rock were on top of him.

 Blaine, 26, entered the icy tomb in front of ABC studios in Times Square Monday
 wearing only pants, a shirt, a wool hat and boots.
 "Ice tomb?"
 ha ha
 Get outta here.
 Icy tomb?

 Tell me, when I get in my car, am I inside a "metal tomb?"
 Those boots he wore were mucklucks, which keep your feet warm when it's -40.
 Once he was inside that refrigerator, his body heat raised the air inside the 32 degree ice
 to almost 40 degrees. This isn't a trick, it's a scam.

 Blaine was completely sealed within two blocks of ice with a body-shaped cocoon
 etched out of the center, and only had a tube from which to breathe and to drink water.
 "Body shaped cocoon?"   It was the size of an elevator!

 A medical team monitored him for any signs of hypothermia, frostbite or blood clots.
 Oh, that makes it officially scary? because his buddy rented an ambulance?
 This was worse than hoorendo's opening Al Capone's vault.  It was worse than that
 fraud Fox TV broadcast a while back about "Opening the tombs for the first time."
 Every kid in Egypt had been inside those tombs before the cameras enetered
 "for the first time."  Jesus Christ, they found a Britney Spears doll in there.
 I don't think the ancient Pharoahs were fans of today's reigning Pop Tart.

 One last thing - Blaine has a "girlfriend."
 His "girlfriend is probably the best-looking supermodel working today.
 She's a former  bartcop.com  Page Two Girl - Josie Maran.

 What's with these super-hot babes latching on to these has-been/never-was magicboys?
 Claudia Schiffer was "romantically linked" with David Crapperfield for years.
 He's a phoney-baloney hoaxster, and she needed a higher profile, so the two signed
 contracts agreeing to be "engaged" even tho they never saw each other.

 So every time you heard of Crapperfield, they'd mention Claudia and every time
 you heard of Claudia they'd mention Crapperfield. I guess now that Claudia and
 Crapperfield set the mold, other supermodels will follow and glom onto to these frauds.

 So, who's the bigger fraud?
 Blaine or Crapperfield?

 Are you listening to this Supreme Court action?

 Ted, the white-power, cock-hunting, impeachment tobacco whore is getting beat up.
 It's still possible he might win, but the court is asking him embarrassing questions like,
 "Are you saying the Florida SC has no standing at all?"

 Ted hasn't been answering questions like that very well.
 Maybe he's a good lawyer, I don't know, but his case is weak.
 By the way, do you know who Ted Olson is?
 He's the husband of this girl,

 Yes, that's Barbara Olson, author of "I Hate Hillary's Guts."
 Ted, meanwhile, was one of Hardon Kenny's little elves, doing his best to
 rewrite the election of 1996, and now he's trying to steal the election of 2000.

 I guess he's an election-reversal specialist?
 If Smirk the Wonder Dog wanted to set a "new tone," why would he hire
 this white-power, cock-hunting, impeachment tobacco whore?
 Ted Olson is as fair and civic-minded as the vulgar Pigboy.

 Are there no decent, respected Republican lawyers in Washington?

 I must say, the biggest surprise so far is how many sharp, intelligent and
 on-point questions that are coming from Clarence "Slappy" Thomas. (cough)
 That ignorant, unqualified moron doesn't even know what he's doing.
 I hope he's sitting next to Scalia so he can copy whatever Tony writes.

 Bush Family is Crooked

 I've got more proof for you.
 Where else can you consistently get the truth, - the whole truth?


 This time, it's Coin-gate, and guess who's caught up in it?
 Brother Jeb!

 Jeb Bush has been caught in the tractor's nuts.
 I have the proof:

You've seen those different quarters for different states?
 Look, I have a couple...

 This is Maryland's quarter.

 You see the Old Line State?

 This is the Pennsylvania quarter.

 I'm not sure, but I think that's Bud Shuster in drag.

 But then, ...but then, ...we get to the state of Florida.
 This is the state run by President Smirk's brother.
 This is the state run by the son of the former CIA head'.
 This state is run by the son of the least famous arms salesman in US history.

 Yes, ...I'm talking about Florida.

 I know you people think that Ol' BartCop is too conspiratorial, but dammit!
 If the facts are staring us in the face, logic demands that we address it.
 This is proof that the whole damn family is crooked.
 Look here, at this proof.

 The Florida quarter:

 Web Alert - TONIGHT - 9 PM -  bartcop.com Chat Room
 Runningwolf (Marcy's husband) and/or Todd Patrick
 (seems like nice guy, bad first impression) vs. BartCop

 It's funny...

 I like to think of myself as a guy who can learn from his mistakes,
 but I'm not as bright as I think I am so that idea's all shot to hell...

 The debate last night didn't go according to plan.
 I was supposed to debate Marcy's husband last night.
 He sent me some e-mail saying, "Maybe I'll debate - but tell me more,"
 but his reply got buried in the pile. A few days later it was like,
 "I thought you wanted a debate, now you're ducking?" which is understandable.

 Meanwhile, I had the pleaure of meeting "Todd."
 I hadn't heard back from Marcy's husband, so I posted, "Todd, let's rock Thursday."
 Then Marcy's husband saw that on the page and wrote saying,
 "Why will you debate him, but not me?"

 (I'm a liberal, I have an excuse ready.)

 The truth is, I thought Marcy's husband failed to reply, and wanting to get some
 "Bum of the week" thing going, I made a second Thursday night date with Todd.
 As far as we know, neither showed up, which I'll bet is more due to my screw-up
 than their combined, collective refusal to walk meekly into death's cold maw.

 But, because I had promised a show, several people were there, but - no show.
 A young fellow named Goofy4U, I think, was in the chat room and he made a few
 provacative statements that made me think the night wouldn't be a total loss.

 We jabbed a couple of times, he and I, then I asked our host, genslab (big round of applause)
 to enable Goofy's keyboard and mine so we could tangle.

 Seriously, Genslab has added an entire dimension to  bartcop.com
 Can you believe we had 24 chatters tonight?
 Gens, you did good.
 Big round of applause for Genslab.

 Before I get to the nothing-there point, let me say we had a surprise celebrity visitor.
 Bojan, live all the way from Bosnia was in the chat room.
 (Sorry I called you Banjo, dude, but that's how my mind remember's stuff.)

 I don't mind bragging a little,
 I think having an English-speaking, politically-aware reporter from Bosnia is cool.

 You know what I'd do if I had more time?
 I'd catalog the Bojan rants in an online directory.
 You, the reader, should be able to go to bartcop.com  and search "Bojan"
 and read every column that's he's contributed. His stuff rocks.
 I wish you could punch in "Vegas" and get the Vegas stories.
 Or "trips" altogether.
 The trip reports are non-political, mostly.
 Even if you hate politics, you might like the trip reports.
 If only there was more time.

 Anyway, Goofy wasn't a pushover.
 He rocked me good in the third, and again in the fifth.
 But when he said Bill Clinton was guilty of "big crimes" and I asked,
 "You mean compared to Iran-Contra and the necessary pardons that cost Bush the White House?"

 Goofy didn't say so, but I think that whole pardon thing threw him a little.
 I'm not saying debate opponents have to agree that Iran-Contra was the biggest crime-spree ever,
 just that it existed and they have some general idea what happened.
 That's not too much to ask, is it?

 I mean, they're always wanting to get to the bottom of Clinton's cock, but nobody cared
 when Reagan and Bush rewarded the terrorists who held our diplomats with weapons.


 When the right screams, "Biggest crimes ever," and they've never even heard of the crimes
 that were so big and so dark and so unforgiving that Bush had to sacrifice the presidency
 to keep those crimes hidden, that's almost bigger than the crime of sex.

 So, the debate with Goofy4U wasn't exactly Ali-Frazier in the Phillipines.

 Santa, I want two things.

 1. Find me somebody who can debate.
 2. Someone who's sharp, snappy, and knows about the pardons.

 I seriously do need to be taken down a peg.

 Today's Page Two Girl - her name is Nana

 Click  Here

 Read the  Previous Issue
 It was so good, we sent it to the Academy.

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