Today's issue will be a short one.
A Trio of Challenge Mail
Koresh, I love the challenge mail.
I wanted to put these in "easiest-to-hardest" order,
but they all seemed to have an equal level of difficulty
Bartcop, see if you can go on one of your self
patented rants without resorting to name calling.
Oh and if I must be labled a "nazi" for knowing and proclaiming the truth....I say "Sieg Heil".
See ya in 4 yrs.
(If you are lucky.)
Name calling? Moi?
Is it possible to write about politics without some name calling?
For instance, when my good friend Joe Conason writes a column, he might say something like,
"During impeachment, some suspected the motives of the Republicans were somewhat disingenuous,"
To me, their lies were just horseshit,
so I called 'em that.
Besides, I don't think I've ever written anything like, "Rush is a big, fat Nazi who is a nasty pig of
a man who smells bad and never learned to wipe and he's ugly and is a tight-ass bastard."
Uusually when I have something bad to say about Rush or a Republican, I spell out what the
crime is and in that process a colorful euphemism might be utilized, but I don't know that
I've ever engaged in "name calling."
Besides, I'm often responding to the vulgar Pigboy.
You think I should show some respect for an diseased animal like that?
Subject: Incorrect Nostradamus Quote
While I am in favor of political satire, you are
in grave danger of become the "liberal" version of Matt Drudge.
Case in point; an excerpt from your Vol. 368 (26 Dec 2000):
>Great Soothsayer Quotes
>To an old leader will be born an idiot heir,
> weak both in knowledge and in war.
> -- Nostradamus, Century 1, Quatrain 78
This is an Internet hoax.
The ACTUAL quote cited (Century 1, Quatrain 78) is:
Volcanic fire from the center of the earth
will cause trembling around the new city:
Two great rocks will make war for a long time.
Then Arethusa will redden a new river.
The proper Quote was found after a (very) brief
search at :
I know your desire for accuracy in media is as
strong as mine, and hope that you
will spend the brief amount of time required to research these things in the future.
A.T., do you mean to tell me there are things on the Internet that aren't
Shirley U. Gest!
That's pretty hard to believe - are you sure?
I thought there were laws again printing falsehoods and innaccuracies.
So, you think it'd be a good idea if I were to research each e-mail
and investigate it's accuracy before I put it on my little humor site?
I think maybe you have the wrong idea about bartcop.com
Nowhere does my mission statement say any of this should be taken seriously.
Sure, now and then we get serious, like when the GOP takes away our right to vote,
but Job One at bartcop.com is to have a good time at the bad guy's expense.
For me, part of the fun is mixing the lies with the truth.
If I say Trent Lott recently gave a speech to the whites-only Council of Concerned Citizens,
you might think that's a gag and then later, you'd be shocked to find out it's true!
But since the opposition is so outwardly hostile to black Americans,
I find it humorous that people can't tell if my charges are real or not.
Jumping into bed with sheets-wearing racist bastards (whoops, there I go name-calling again)
SHOULD be so outrageous that it just CAN'T be true, but it is, and to me, that's funny.
One other thing:
Nobody should ever get all their facts from bartcop.com
If I "Swear to Koresh" that something is true, it probably is, but these days, we can't trust
the New York Whore Times, or the Dallas Morning Whore or CBS or any fucking body.
My main purpose is to entertain, but like anybody, I have mood swings and when I get
angry about something, I hurl a few thunderbolts at the guilty. I realize as "the hammer"
gets bigger, I'll need to more clearly differentiate the fun from the serious, but I think
the smarter people already know when I'm kidding and when I'm not.
If you see something mentioned on bartcop.com that
interests you, you should do
exactly what you did in this case and investigate for yourself. If Nostradamus says
"an drunken-idiot Smirk will steal the White House with help from the Whore Court,"
there's a chance it's a gag.
It's funny that you'd compare me to Drudge, because I probably have
a better accuracy
percentage than Drudge and I've admitted time and again that I make shit up.
Subject: fighting talk
every day in the column you tell your fellow democrats that we
are a flock of pussies, that nobody will fight the evils you put to light,
BUT YOU NEVER MENTION HOW WE ARE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT!
Keeping inside of the law (which is a must, of
course), a single person can only
soapbox and write so many letters.
Since the USSC trashed our democracy last month,
I have been busily
contacting everyone I can think of, and no one has even acknowledged it.
Somebody has to lead, B.C., because nobody will. I'm in agreement with
most of your ideas, now, tell us, the rank and file out here in the cornfields,
WHAT WE CAN ACTUALLY DO ABOUT IT, or give us a break on the cajones talk.
Keeping the faith,
Kebo in Ohio
Kebo, if I've been unclear, I'm happy to take this opportunity to clear
When I talk about scared-bunny Democrats, I'm NOT talking about people like you.
I'm talking about Democratic members of congress.
How many times have we heard the phrase, "Talk is cheap?"
Our Democrats are so damn scared, we can't even get talk out of them.
The heat is on Tom Daschle, the Demo leader of the Senate.
Here's what Daschle needs to do:
He calls a press conference with 49 of his fellow senators standing
and he announces, in terms so clear that Smirk will understand even before Rove tells him,
that Ashcroft has no chance to be confirmed, and whoever that oil-spiller is over at Interior
probably won't make it, either, but in the interests of fair play, we'll give her a chance to speak
before we deny her a position in overseeing the drilling of Yosemite and Denali.
It's ridiculous to give Ashcroft a hearing, because his views are insane
If you nominate a nobody, sure, you investigate his past and talk to him and make a decision,
but there's no decision to be made with whites-only, My-God-only, cock-hunter Ashcroft.
Gee, would we need to investigate Kenneth Starr, too? Or do we already know enough?
Daschle might as well tell Smirky now that Ted Olson won't make it, either.
The square-moustache crowd likes Olson for the Whore Court, but we say "No!"
The second thing Daschle should do is to announce that the Democrats
will not confirm ANY
Supreme Court judges until after such time when Smirk has won a legitimate national election.
He should explain that we know Smirk took power ONLY with the help of a partisan whore court
who stopped a valid ballot count only to later tell us there wasn't enough time for a count.
They think they can rob us and we'll forget?
If Sandra Day O'Conner has to work another four years, well, tough
She told those people at the election night party that she was willing to work the extra four years
to prevent President Gore from appointing her successor, so she's already committed.
And since he personally stole this election, Scalia should NOT be confirmed
to be Top Dick
on the Whore Court. His little theivery should be punished and that's the only way we have.
That partisan son of a bitch told everyone he'd quit if a Democrat won, and then he used his
power and Slappy's automatic shadow vote to overrule the will of the voters.
That horseshit cannot be rewarded in any way.
I'm not asking the Democrats to do anything but make a damn statement.
We got out-hustled in Florida, and we can't change the past, but we can let Smirk know
that we consider him a sham President with a very, very limited agenda.
We pledge to block every major legislation that we don't like, but we also tell him this:
If Smirk wins in 2004, we agree to not pull this trick twice.
We should make a deal with the GOP that this is a one-time, temporary shutdown.
Whoever wins in 2004 will have the other party onboard to a degree, depending on
the size of the victory, and that's assuming Florida doesn't have a bunch of "funny ballots"
and Smirk's campaign manager calls a quick victory before they're counted.
That's what I want from the party of scared little bunnies.
I agree with you that calling and faxing members of congress has very
Even if a senator gets 10,000 calls and faxes, it won't matter much if he's on some
"fact finding mission" in Hawaii. The only good idea I have for rank-and-file democrats
is a very self-serving one, and that's to send contributions to help Ol' BartCop
increase the size of the hammer.
It would take tons of money, tons of work and tons of luck, but it's
possible that a weak-kneed
Democrat would be on Chris the Screamer's show someday and say something like,
"I'm taking a hammering from bartcop.com and I want those people to know that I'm NOT
laying down for the Republicans, that I'm fighting and I'm going to KEEP fighting."
Fat chance, but we have to try, don't we?
Subject: Dennis Clark in ICU
Date: Fri, 22 December
One of the most dedicated and hard-working Democrats
we have had in Tulsa County
has been Dennis "Sabutai" Clark. He has volunteered thousands of hours to keep the
Headquarters open, and he was always there with information about the party and the players.
Unfortunately, Dennis is in the intensive care
unit at St. John's hospital in the last stages of
congestive heart failure. Those of you who know Dennis personally understand why.
He has fought an overwhelming weight problem for years, and was never able to get his
weight down to a manageable size. Although he is only in his mid-40's, (actually, mid 50's)
his heart can no longer carry the burden, and he is going downhill fast. ICU's will generally
not allow visitors except family, and as I understand it, he is floating in and out of consciousness.
You might send a note to his mother, Lois.
Dennis lived with her, and this is a terrible time for her.
Dennis's father passed away 6 or 7 years ago.
713 N. Maplewood
Tulsa, OK 74115
Keep Dennis in your prayers.
He is a good man and a wonderful friend.
Dennis died today, shortly after midnight.
I've never been the type to have a "best friend," but if I was,
that best friend would be Dennis "Sabutai" Clark.
I had never heard the name "Sabutai" until he bought my old computer and got online.
Sabutai was one of Genghis Khan's top soldiers.
I met him in 1977.
When you have 23 years of memories, it's hard to know where to start.
He knew a girl I worked with, and when we met, our taste in politics
were similar so we started hanging out.
I remember once at the old apartment, we had a wild cat named
For some reason we had a cardboard box that a water heater came in.
We sat it on the couch and the cat got inside - Dennis couldn't resist.
Smoke was a huge cat, and the timing was perfect.
Dennis would stick his fingers inside the right end of the box, and those
razor-sharp claws would come whipping out, meaning to draw blood.
Sometimes they found their mark, too, but he didn't compalin.
He knew he literally had a tiger by the tail.
Just as the claws would whip out the right end, Dennis would stick
other hand in the left end of the box, and those claws would come out so fast
you'd swear there was more than one cat in there.
Funny, that's the first memory that flashed into my mind.
He was an extremely intelligent man, his font of knowledge was
He knew everything.
If you played Trivial Pursuit with him, you'd better be on his side or you'd lose.
He knew sports, history, geography, current events, Hollywood etc.
He graduated from Tulsa University with a degree in political science.
A long time ago, he worked for the Post Office.
It was a great job with great benefits, but he quit to join some Democratic campaign.
His candidate lost, (this is Oklahoma) and Reagan was in office so jobs didn't exist,
and he ended up working Dead Animal Pickup for a year, the poor bastard.
One year, a good friend of his, Kurt Glasco, ran against that
shit Jim Inhofe.
They were fighting for a House seat, and Glasco was interviewed that day
by Ted Koppel on Nightline. Dennis asked me if I wanted to go to Kurt's house
to watch Koppel interview Kurt . That was way cool.
Of course, I had lots and lots of suggestions on how Kurt could've run a better
campaign, and I had a list of better answers he could've given to Ted Koppel,
but I kept my mouth shut so Dennis wouldn't get in trouble for bringing me..
There was so much about his life that Dennis hinted at, but he
never really told the story.
I knew he had an FBI file. He was at a protest in Washington in the 70's.
Some cop or FBI agent pushed him and Dennis popped him.
He went to jail, but never really had to do time.
He also went to Cuba, for a summer I think, but when we pressed him for
details he kinda shrugged it off, said we wouldn't really be interested.
For almost 20 years, he'd come over on Friday or Saturday nights
and we'd party.
Dennis was a big ol' boy, and he could stay with me, shot for shot - no easy feat.
He was so funny, he'd get a few drinks in him and start getting naughty.
I remember things like New Year's Eve, we'd sit around and watch Dick Clark or
whatever and get shit-faced, we had so much fun just giggling like schoolkids.
We seemed to get each other's jokes.
If one of us made a reference the other didn't understand, we'd just stare at each other
until it finally clicked and then the laugh was bigger than ever. It got to where we'd
intentionally blur the reference to make the punch line harder to find.
He was so funny, now and then he'd get real serious and we wouldn't
know if he was
kidding or not, and then he'd say his dad used to wear dresses and that's why he grew up
"funny," and then he'd bust out laughing. We never knew if he was kidding or not.
We did so many road trips together, I can't remember the first
When we first met, he was a big REO fan. I kidded him that that was "American" music,
and nobody in their right mind could get into American music, so he eventually joined me in
my Led Zeppelin obsession. For years and years, we'd drink and smoke and generally get as
loaded as two eskimo boys could get. We'd turn out the lights and light a candle and sit there
and listen to those live Zeppelin concerts.
In 1985, we heard Jimmy Page and his new band "The Firm," with
Paul Rogers was playing Wichita.
We scored tickets and hopped into Mrs BartCop's touring sedan and we were off to Kansas.
Page was insane. He'd called up the devil for a truly inspired performance that night.
When the concert was over, Dennis didn't say anything, he just gave me a big hug.
A year or two later, Jimmy Page was playing Oklahoma City at the
This is a story Dennis would never forget, or forgive me for:
It was the three of us and Gary, a guy we met at the Hard Rock
On the way down, I made a big deal out of the fact I wanted to leave right after the concert,
and I told them I meant right after. We weren't sitting together for some reason, so I told them on
the trip there that if they weren't at the car when the show was over, that I would LEAVE THEM,
so they'd better be at the car right after the show.
Oh, Koresh, this is a nightmare of a story.
If there's life after death, his spirit will haunt me for sure.
During the show, OKC had the storm of the century. While Page
the Foghat-covered "I Just Want to Make Love to You, " the backstage flooded
and shorted out their equipment and they had to stop playing. After a few minutes
they got it working again and they started the song over. There was a torrential rain,
unheard of in OKC. When the concert was ended, we walked towards the exits and
it was raining so hard, it was raining sideways.
Well, no way any sane person would walk out in that rain, so we
Meanwhile, Dennis assured Gary I really would leave them, so they ran out in the rain
to get to the car and spent 30 minutes standing next to a locked car, waiting for us.
After just 30 seconds they were totally soaked, but they just stood there and waited.
So, we waited about 20-30 minutes, all the while looking around
for Dennis and Gary
inside the arena. When the storm of the century slowed to a mere Niagra,
we made a mad dash for the car, and there was Dennis and Gary.
Dennis later told me he got even by peeing in my back seat.
We never knew, they were so totally soaked anyway.
We laughed about it for years after that, at least I did.
Another time, we got tickets to see The Clash at the Bronco Bowl
Swear to God, they had real concerts at this bowling alley, I guess they still do.
I forget if we paid the scalpers or just got lucky, but we had tickets on the goddamn second row,
right in front of the stage. We were BIG Clash fans, and we couldn't wait for this show!
About twenty minutes before showtime, the ushers came over and told us we had to move,
because the Clash wanted the first five rows cleared so the young punkers could dance
or mosh or whatever they called it back then.
So they moved us to the back of the first section, about 100 feet away.
Hey, life's a bitch, right?
Another time, I think it was 1987, Pink Floyd was playing Dallas.
I planned to get hammered for this earthshaking concert, so Mrs. BartCop agreed to drive the
sedan back to the cheap-ass hotel. Coming out of the show, I was loopy, but Dennis
always kept his head, even when he was hammered. Mrs. BartCop hates driving in the dark,
especially in strange, big cities (Dallas freeways are like a NASCAR race) so Dennis was helping
with directions. He told her to take some exit, but she couldn't read the sign so we missed
it and had to turn around and come back. Dennis teased her about being blind and that
really pissed her off. That following week, Mrs. BC went to the optomitrist to have her eyes
checked, since she couldn't read the damn sign, and the eye doctor told her she had glaucoma.
She would've found out sooner or later, but his needling might've saved her sight.
In 1985, I bought the Hard Rock Island rock club.
Dennis was one of the few people I could trust, so he helped out a lot.
Once, me and Mrs BartCop took off to Minneapolis and Chicago to see Robert Plant
and Dennis ran the club for us while we were gone. Go figure, the day after we left,
the cooler broke, so, as smart as he was, Dennis put a sign on the door that said,
"Our beer is hot, but you can come in anyway."
I could've killed him for that.
I think he got off on the club more than I did, for several reasons.
A - it didn't put him $40,000 in debt,
B - when I was working and sweating, he'd relax and watch the band and the young girls.
C - he was single, and the young girls wanted to go to the after parties with the band,
and they knew Dennis was going since he worked there, so the young girls hung on Dennis
using him as their ticket to these wild parties the bands held after the gig.
Somehow, Dennis didn't mind being used by the young girls.
Now, maybe you know, maybe you don't, but Dennis was a big ol'
He was bigger than anyone currently in the NFL, for example.
One night, he was tending bar at a slow night at the Rock, and some guy at the bar
kept looking at Dennis saying, "I'm sure I know you from somewhere."
(You'll think I'm making this up, but it's true.)
After trading "do you know this guy and that guy" for a half-hour,
the guy slaps his
forehead and says, "Now I remember! You and me and two other dudes rode a
Volkswagen Beatle to Los Angeles and back a dozen years ago."
The idea that a sentient human being could share a ride in an
un-airconditioned VW bug
with Dennis for eight days and not remember him is downright hysterical.
But I saw it unfold with my own eyes.
Koresh, there are so many memories after 23 years.
Right after the Hard Rock closed, if you remember an earlier rant, I was too broke
to file bankruptcy. Every weekend about that time, Dennis would drop by with a bottle
of whiskey or vodka so we could get a buzz when we were dead f-ing broke.
It's weird - there were so many stories.
I can hear him saying, "Tell them this one, and that one" - there were so many.
During the club days, we got real close to this one band,
At first, their name was Bad Habit, then they became Akasha.
We felt so sorry for these guys. They'd leave home for 8-10 weeks at a time,
loading a huge trailer with amps and lights and drums and stuff, then they'd drive,
swear to Koresh, 1000 miles from Alabama to New Mexico for the next gig.
They spent all their time cramped in a shitty, $25 hotel, 3 or
four to a room,
fighting over what to watch on the bad-reception TV. Feeling like they were
on the front lines of the rock wars, Dennis and I thought we'd help them out.
I bought a camcorder, (we were really abusing liquor around 1990) and we'd set the
camera on a tripod pointed at the two of us and we'd tell jokes and drink and do
impressions and drink and do anything we could to entertain the troops
in the field like we were The Bob Hope Revue or something.
Dennis was "Neil," and I was "Bob."
We were "Neil and Bob," get it?
Dennis always wore a hat when he was Neil.
We'd start out fairly funny, reading from the lame script, but we were always drinking,
always straight from the bottle. I remember one trick we did, where we put water in two
vodka bottles and had a chugging contest. The guys in the band must've crapped when
they saw us downing those bottles of "straight vodka."
It was Lame City, but we thought it was hysterical.
I directed with the camcorder remote from my La-Z-Boy.
Matter of fact, that's probably where this web page came from.
I'd be riding around on my collection route all week, writing down jokes.
Then that Friday, Dennis would come over, and we'd set up the camera and
tell these oh-so-lame jokes, drunker n shit for the band to watch on the road.
We'd be drinking so much, an hour into it, we'd be done with the script and we'd
just read old National Lampoons for the camera - thinking we were funny.
I ran thru a few hours of tape, trying to find a little passage
I could let you hear,
but those tapes were more X-rated than I remember. After all, we were trying to
be entertaining for a rock n roll band, stuck on the road in some shit motel.
There were so many stories.
More than anyone I ever met, our politics were identical.
I always joked that when I became president, he'd be my Chief of Staff.
Remember what President Bartlet said?
Do you have a best friend?
Is he smarter than you?
Do you trust him with your life?
That's your Chief of Staff.
That was Sabutai.
He was my private research team, too.
I could call him and say, "What was the name of thay guy who..." and he'd always remember.
I don't know that I've ever met a guy with a sharper mind.
He was real, real proud of my "success" at bartcop.com.
Every day, he'd send me a couple of e-mails a day with jokes in them.
One day he asked me why I never used any of his stuff, and I replied that I thought
what he sent me was just for my eyes. That was the first inkling I had that someone
would actually consider it an "honor" to have their stuff published at bartcop.com
He did a lot of real work for the K-Drag Democratic Party.
I went to a couple of meetings with him, years ago.
Whoever was in charge would say, "We need someone to run the booth
at the State fair this year," and nobody else raised their hand, so Dennis did.
For years, he worked the phones at the Call Rape Center or Crisis
Suicide Line, whatever it was called.
He was one of the few who took the time to make a difference.
For the last 15 years, we called each other "Dude."
Dennis was just as areligious as I am, but he gave more than any religious person I know.
He also had the best sense of humor I've ever seen in my life.
He had a great laugh, and I'm trying to find a good, hearty laugh of his on the "Neil and Bob" tapes,
but I can't find one that's playable, if you know what I mean. He was always a good audience for me,
writing or calling after almost every issue to share a laugh about something he read.
Besides politics, two of his big passions were wrestling and Oklahoma
I know he was looking forward to the football championship game Wednesday.
Yesterday, I tried to get a message to him.
They said he was fading in and out of consciousness, so I called St Johns and was trying
to get to some nurse who could speak to him when he was alert.
He has several friends with similar-sounding names, so I asked the lady who answered
the phone in ICU to tell Dennis that "BartCop" wanted to know if he could do anything for him.
The lady said, "Sorry, I'm not allowed
to give out his home address."
(Steam coming off my head...)
Jesus Christ, why do I live in Oklahoma?
It took all my restraint to avoid launching on this brainless idiot.
Hopefully, that wasn't representative of the medical care they provided.
So, a shot of Chinaco to my old friend, James Dennis "Sabutai" Clark.
Dude, you were an original - no doubt about that.
I'm going to miss you - I know a lot of people will.
PS. Dude, do me one last favor:
I'll watch the big game Wednesday with a shot of Chinaco
If you can, try to cause a Florida State fumble in the fourth quarter
so OU can win the game, and we'll share one last toast.
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