[Music Intro]
Hi, my name is Bart. Turns out this is practice show #10. We got some
real shows coming around the corner.
And you might even detect a flatter sound; I’m in a room now with acoustical
tile on two or three sides of me.
The studio is not yet fully converted, that’ll happen this weekend.
We could be doing real shows next week.
Oh, we got a lot of stuff to talk about. Jeez, it seems like it’s been
so long.
Let’s get the checklist out of the way.
[Agghh.] As always, a shot of Chinaco is #1 on the checklist.
First thing I want to talk about today is the gay bishop. Don’t like
what they did to the gay bishop. I felt like it was
a bunch of horseshit. And I didn’t even follow the story. You know
how you can follow enough of the story to know..
What they did, they were voting on whether or not to make the first
openly gay man a bishop and at the last second
- seems like they were an hour away from voting - and Gus thought
he saw a woodchuck. And in this case that means,
one guy, one unnamed person - could have been a 9-year old with an
email - sent a message to the Bishops that this fellow,
Robinson, molested him. Put his hands on him in an inappropriate manner.
[Sarcasm warning -FL] You know how those gays are! So pushy! Always with the hands.
So, we live in the kind of country now that anybody can make any accusation
about anybody except the President
- all accusations against the President are immediately denied and
the accuser’s tongue is cut out and he’s shot in the head
and buried in the sand. But this guy made this wild claim - that Robinson
‘put his hands on him in an inappropriate manner’
- oh, and also, I don’t know which one’s worse. The 2nd charge against
the guy is that if you go to a website, this certain gay
website, and then hit a certain link and then go there and hit a link
and then go there and hit a link you end up at a gay porn place.
Well, you know, if you turn on your computer you end up at a
gay porn place. [Laugh] If there’s a way to avoid that,
please tell me what it is. But this whole thing about the ‘inappropriate
touching’, awww, it just pissed me off. You know the
first thing you have to do is de-humanize these gays. You know, it
makes it so much easier when you push em in the oven
and shut the door. Cause they’re just not human - they’re not like
me and you - they’re not *normal* - so we gotta
de-humanize em, gotta make stuff up against them.
This gaggle of bishops did an investigation and it turns out after dragging
this man - you know CNN, Fox News, were
all over this, oh my God; a ‘handsy’ gay guy - what could be a bigger
story than that? No, I’m sorry - the allegation,
the accusation of a gay man with his hands running all over - that
was hotter than Kobe Bryant for about 48 hours.
Anyway, they do their little investigation and it turns out, that one
time, this Robinson was talking to this man (who was also,
a man - not a child) and apparently put his hand on his back or on
his shoulder while he was engaged in conversation with the guy.
Eh, that might be a little more ‘handsy’ than some people would like,
but it’s not like he stuck his hands in his pants.
This is so stupid; so, that son-of-a-bitch Limbaugh - heard a little
bit of his show Monday - oh, he was just hammering
this poor guy who he had never met and he didn’t know a thing about
this guy, but he kept saying again and again,
‘How in the world are those Episcopalians
gonna make a child molester a Bishop?’
Now see, Rush apparently knew less about the story than I did - which
is hard to fathom.
What the man did was he put his hand on another man’s shoulder and
Rush turned that into ‘child molester.’
You see how these Republicans are? You see how these Nazi AM blowhards
are?
To put your hands on a man’s shoulder ad then have Rush turn that into
‘a child molester’ - this is what Rush does.
He takes the seed of an allegation and he turns it into the Rocky Mountains
and then he screams,
‘How dare they! Oh these liberals! You know
how they’re always wanting to ut the child-molesting gays
in charge of everything so they can take over
and come get your kids!’
He knows that’s not true. But he gets paid a *lot* of money, and when
you pay a man a lot of money, and say,
‘Please lie to me’ the man will say, ‘Sure, I’ll lie to ya.’ It was
just so disgusting. You know, it just made me want
to send the gay bishop money.
As far as we know - I mean, I don’t know anything about the man - but
as far as we know, hell he’s a Bishop now,
so I assume he’s got some kind of character. But Rush made him into
a child molester because Gus thought he saw
a woodchuck. Now that’s just the perfect example of what Rush and Fox
news is all about. Just de-humanize anybody
to the left of Adolf Hitler and then watch the cash roll in. Pretty
disgusting, huh?
[Audio clip: Daily Show]:
[Bush]: “Uh, I take personal responsibility for everything I said, of course.
[audience laughter]
[Jon Stewart]: “Except, of course, when it came to the economy where the blame for poor consumer confidence fell where it belongs.”
[Bush]: “Remember on our TV screens, I’m not suggesting
which network did this, but it said, ‘March to War.’
Every day from last summer till this spring:
March to War, March to - that’s not a very conducive environment
for people to take risk when they hear ‘March
to War’ all the time.”
[John Stewart]: “Yeah! Why were they *doing* that?
I mean..
[audience laughter] it’s not like some ass-[bleep]
was marching us to war! [applause]”
Here’s a story out of Boston you gotta like:
‘Judge on leave after Tarzan comments’ was the headline in USA Today.
‘An immigration judge in Boston was placed
on leave after people complained that he made jokes about Tarzan. The
woman who said her husband was killed and
she’d been beaten, raped and tortured in her native Uganda. The woman
who’s first name is Jane went before a
Judge Thomas Ragno in June to seek political asylum in the U.S.A.’
”Jane, come here. Me Tarzan!” the
judge tells her. Jeezus Christ. You know this guy’s a Republican. There
are just
no Democrats that are that insensitive. This is Judge Thomas Ragno.
Well, it turns out - apparently her physician,
Saunder Crosby, was with her at the time so she filed an affidavit
protesting Ragno’s behavior and, yeah, he ended up
stepping down, but for 30 years this guy is an immigration judge. For
thirty years [laugh] we had this kind of sensitivity
on the bench with the judge here. Oh, he denied her request for asylum
- I mean, come on! She’s black! We can’t have
any of that in this country. Argh, you just wonder.
[Caller 1]: ‘Hey Axis of Evil fans! Are you planning
a bit of ‘terra’ against ‘Murica and don’t know where to go later?
This is monkeyfister reminding you to try beautiful
KOA Gitmo on the sunny shores of American Cuba. Catch a free
military hop to our exclusive, and newly ex-banded
Camp X-Ray, where our uniformed staff will give you a lovely
all-weather jumpsuit, de-lousing bath, and complimentary
bracelets upon your arrival. From there you will be whisked off
to your rustic camping stall where you’ll enjoy
fresh bread, water, and gruel 3 times a day and supervised calisthenics
to
keep you physically fit for our other supervised
activities, which include: kneeling in hard gravel in the hot sun all day
long,
barbed wire jump, the suicide Olympics, the roiling
hot temp bake, followed by refreshing water cannon shower; and daily
rifle beatings for the fetishers. KOA Gitmo is
filling up fast so make your reservation early. We’ve got a group of Geneva
conventioneers in from Iraq arriving soon. So
call John, our social director, now at: 669-327-2478 or, to make it easy,
NOW-FASCIST. We’ve got a 1-800 number coming
soon for our Middle Eastern friends. Take care and we’ll see
you soon in Camp X-Ray.’
All right, here’s another story for ya. Most of these from the USA today - the world’s greatest newspaper… for me to poop on!
We have 5,000 POWs [comma] criminals held by coalition forces. ‘US led
coalition forces are holding 5,000 Iraqi prisoners.
General Janice Carpinsky of the army’s military police said Monday,
“the figure includes POWs, security detainees, common
criminals, etc.” Previous estimates were 3-4,000 detainees.’ Now, where
does the United States Army hold 5,000 POWs?
5,000 POWs. I’ll tell you where they hold them. In the portable Halliburton
jails.
Now call me a suspicious lot, but they don’t have 5,000 POWs. What they
have is a bill from Halliburton that says,
‘We are housing 5,000 prisoners and you know how expensive that can
be, Mr. Government.’ So, we’re writing Halliburton
big, big, big checks. Allegedly for housing these 5,000 POWs. Now how
do we now that they have any POWs?
They could have 7. They could have em in a truck and we’re being billed
for 5,000 of em. Oh boy, when you own the
government and you’re under a black budget and nobody has the right
to ask any questions it’s a blank check - and a
blank check from Uncle Sam is a big-ass check. I don’t believe it;
I don’t believe any of it; I think it’s a big hose job
from top to bottom.
How in the world do we tell an Iraqi criminal from an Iraqi guy standing
there? I just think it’s another hand out - I just think
Halliburton and Bechtel and Brown & Root - they’re just billing
us out the wazoo and they’re making trillions upon trillions
and it’s never going to stop and the deficit is going to grow and grow
and grow. And as long as we’re at war, only President
Smirk can save us from ‘terra, so it’s just going to stay that way
until the end of time - get used to it America!
[Audio Clip: Jon Stewart]: “The president also
tackled the hot-button issue of gay marriage.
It turns out he’s…. ehhhh… he’s against it!”
[Bush]: “Yeah, I am mindful that we’re all sinners.
And, uh, I caution those who um, may try to take the speck
out of a neighbor’s eye when they got a log in
their own.”
[Jon]: “Mr. President, I know that you don’t hang
out, necessarily, with gay people all that much,
but ...uh, ...the log doesn’t go in the eye.”
[Caller 2]: “Hi, my name’s Bart and this is the
first time I’ve called the BartPhone. I just heard one of these monkeys
on the AM radio, could have been Glenn Beck,
could have been Rusty Humphries, I don’t know - Christ, there’s
so many of them now; they all want to be Rush
so bad they just pee themselves. But this guy was whining on and on
and on about another liberal threat. This liberal
threat is: they what to start some pre-kindergarten thing and - I’ve
never heard of this, it’s probably *A* teacher
had *AN* idea, and you know how talk radio will take some bonehead
idea that one person had and say, ‘See how the
liberals are? See what they want to do?’
Well his interpretation was, they want to get 3-year olds in the school
system - I mean, of course, it’s not about educating kids
and getting them into social situations earlier to make them more rounded
kids - he says it’s all a plot to get them indoctrinated!
So the liberal teachers can indoctrinate them and tell them
all the lies that they wouldn’t accept if they waited till they were older
to indoctrinate them.
He said, if you tell a 16-year old, ‘You’re not allowed to have school
supplies that the other kids don’t have. It’s wrong
to have anything that someone else doesn’t have.’ Cause liberals are
all socialist bastards and everything. And he went
on and on, he said, ‘Well that won't work on a 16-year old, he’ll just
tell you to go fly a kite, but a 3-year old will buy it.’
You know what; this is my exact argument concerning religion. The whole
reason they teach you religion before you can think,
before you can speak, is so they can indoctrinate you and explain to
you that there’s an invisible cloud being that’s going to
burn you for eternity if you disobey him! You tell a 16-year
old that, he’ll just say ‘Fuck you. Get away from me!’ but you tell
a 2-year old or a 3-year old that and they listen real damn good cause
they know fire hurts. It’s so obvious that it starts - I think
- from within the womb. When you’re in the womb I’ll bet you can hear
that church organ and you hear the hushed tones of
your parents and their friends and all that.
Even if you don’t buy that business about the womb, think about a little
kid, 1, 2, 3-years old, now you go to the Catholic church,
and you know it’s all dark, and everybody’s whispering because it’s
a sacred super-place where Jesus is, and not only is it dark,
but you hear that church organ that is very droning, very hypnotic,
and you smell that frankincense that the priest is squirting on
people and all these senses hitting your head at the same time. And
you’re a little kid, you’re 2 years old, you’re 3 years old,
you don’t understand it all but you know that mom and dad get real
serious and dad doesn’t hit mom or nothing in church.
It’s a very secret, sacred place. And they drill this in your
head when you’re 1-years old, when you’re 2-years, when you’re
3-years old, and they drill it and they drill it and then they use
the fear factor - they say you’re going to burn in eternity if you
piss off the cloud being! Now that scares the hell out of a little
kid! They torture you before you have a chance to understand.
That’s how they hook you. They fool you when you’re able to be fooled
- before you have any brains and that’s a crime.
[Music]
That was a little bit of Jeff Beck, from about 25 years ago or so. I
always liked Jeff Beck. I guess, his problem is that he
can’t write, is that the deal? Jeff Beck is considered to be the 2nd
most exciting guitar player that comes from the
Yardbirds and considering Clapton is the third, that’s really a slap
isn’t it? (laughs)
Jeff Beck, some people say he was the cleanest of the 3, he probably
was. And Clapton was obviously the most successful s
olo artist of the 3. But, oh jeez, when it comes to excitement - can’t
beat my man Jimmy Paige, holy gee wow.
Ok, let me tell you about - here’s a cartoon in the greatest newspaper
in the world, USA Today. Saddam is sitting there
talking to his people and he says, ‘I want a disguise that will allow
me to travel with impunity.’ And one of his henchmen
holding an AK-47 says, ‘Fine, we’ll dress you as a Saudi.’
Get it? Because Bush sees no Saudis in the 9-11 disaster, even though
15 of them were from Saudi Arabia. But you know,
well it’s not funny, but everybody knows that the Saudis were behind
this. Everybody knows that the Saudi royal family
gave money to the hijackers or the people that gave money to the hijackers
and if they’re just giving money to every guy
that walks by - why haven’t they given me any? When it comes to giving
money, you don’t just tap some guy on the
shoulder and say ‘Here’s 30 million,’ no, you give it to someone specifically.
And it ends up in the hijacker’s hands
and when the 9-11 report comes out the Saudis are all clean. All they
did was bankroll it. All they did was host the hijackers.
But no, because Poppy Bush is a paid-for, on-the-books, agent for the
Saudi government they are invulnerable as long as
his little boy's got the reins of government in their hands.
It almost pisses you off, you know it. To know that he’s over there
bombing a city of 5 million people when the real guys
who caused the problem are sitting there in their palaces all indignant
that their 22 pages have been redacted by the
monkey boy. I’ll tell ya, it’s a nutty deal we got here.
[Audio Clip: Mike Malloy]: “I haven’t quoted anything
from Bartcop and it’s time. And then back to your phone calls.
Bartcop had this up the other night - this is
Bartcop.com. If you haven’t been to that website - I know you have - but
if
you haven’t been to bartcop.com I have one question
for you: Why not? It’s one of the best websites on the Internet.
‘When Bush had his soldiers drag the bodies,’
Bartcop calls them Ootie and Kootie, ‘through the streets of Baghdad,
were the Baghdadians in the street dancing and
rejoicing? If so, I missed that. I’m sure the American press that believes,
‘Bush is the greatest President ever’ would be
wall-to-wall with those pictures IF that scenario played out in the streets
of Baghdad. So what does that tell us? I know,’
Bartcop writes, ‘that some non-thinking, knuckle-headed goof will accuse
me of bring pro-Udie and Kudie when I say this,
but imagine what it would feel like if some superpower invaded America
without provocation and for no reason other than
to steal the oil in Texas and then corner and then murder the President’s
children and put their bodies on invader-controlled
TV to brag about it. Somehow I don’t think we’d be dancing.
If some bully superpower did that to us under
the guise of ‘freeing’ us so we could setup our new government in their
image
and have appointed evil oilmen tell us what kind
of government we are allowed to choose for ourselves. Realize,’ Bartcop
writes,
‘this is OUR GOVERNMENT that’s doing this! And
the entire world is both angry and scared as they wonder which country
Bush will turn his blood-thirsty attention toward
next. OUR government is out of control,’ Bartcop writes, ‘and killing whomever
they want and they don’t need a reason or any
justification because our military is the most powerful military in the
world.
Our government is controlled by a little boy
who sees non-white people as frogs that he gets to blow up with firecrackers
that are much bigger than the ones he used as
a child. Worse than that, our government is run by a religiously insane
man
who claims God speaks to him and gives him lists
of people and countries that God wants murdered. Where are the Democrats?
Why are they allowing this to happen?’
Little bit from Bartcop. My favorite internet
website.
Yeah, I like it even more than I like my own.
[Laugh] Stay with us, I’m Mike Malloy.”
[Music]
I thought that was very nice and very generous of Mike Malloy. He’s
always been real good to me.
And it’s always exciting to hear your words being read by somebody
who’s an actual radio performer type of guy.
He puts more life into my words than I can. And that’s flattering.
Mike and Kathy over there at IEAmerica.
They’re some good people.
You might want to mark your calendars, because I will probably never
say anything like this again. But I want to say
something nice about Jerry Jones of the Cowboys; Dallas Football Cowboys.
I like the Dallas Cowboys right up there
with my [laugh] appreciation of Tiger Woo. I don’t like Dallas,
I have never liked Dallas - Well, I’m sorry, I liked Dallas
for that brief period when Barry Switzer was coaching. Of course, like
Clinton, he’s a bad man. He took them to the
Super Bowl, but that made him bad. Don’t want no Super Bowl rings in
Dallas, no, get rid of him.
But Jerry Jones was introduced to the world with one of the biggest
screw-ups you ever saw in your whole life.
When Jerry Jones bought the Cowboys he wanted a new coach. And the
Cowboys were being coached at the time
by legendary what’s-his-name - the old guy. (tom
landry) And he had been their only coach for, I guess, 30 years
or so.
And when Jerry Jones got there, instead of calling the guy and saying,
‘Hey dude, you’re old. I bought the team, I want
my new boy, Jimmy Johnson.’ (Who’s another Tiger Woods in my book.)
Instead of telling him that, no, he - who is
that coach’s name? What is his name? The old guy - with the hat.
A Republican.
He found out he was being fired over the airwaves. One called and said,
‘Have you heard you’ve been fired?’, he said, ‘No.’
That was just about the stupidest thing you could do because he was
a legend. Oooh, Dallas, oooh. Legend.
And Jerry Jones introduced himself with that massive fuckup. Massive
fuckup! It would be like going into Green Bay
and peeing all over THAT legendary coach’s name [laugh] - I can’t remember
anyone’s name today. (Vince Lombardi)
Recently Emmett Smith said some wrong things. As you know, he’s a Cardinal
now. Jeez, how much money did it take to
move him to the desert? But Emmett Smith said his last year with the
Cowboys he felt like, ‘A diamond surrounded by
trash.’
You have to pretty much agree that Emmett Smith - he’s the leading
rusher of all time, so, you know; he’s like Barry Bonds,
if the ball wet out of the park that many times you gotta give it up,
you can’t say he’s no good - but when he said he was a
diamond surrounded by trash, you know, it sent some quakes through
the Cowboy camp.
And Jerry Jones did a classy thing.
This is why I’m saying, mark your calendar. Jerry Jones could have said,
‘Aw, you know, the little punk.’ But no.
Here’s what Jerry Jones said. He said, ‘Emmett
Smith has got all the benefit of the doubt collateral from me
that he needs. He’s earned that. My
relationship with him transcends anything he might of said in some interview.
He’s part of the deal here, always will be.’
Now what a gracious damn way to handle those comments by Emmett Smith.
Who woulda thought you would ever use Jerry Jones and gracious in the
same sentence. Since I don’t like the guy I thought
I’d give him his props this one time.
This next bit is going to be really, really old to some of you people.
But if you’ve never owned a turntable you’ve probably
never heard this. When did turntables go out of style? About 1985?
86? On the Beatles’ White Album - oh God, the Beatles,
I know how much you hate the Beatles, I’ll keep this really, really
short. Cause I know how much you *hate* the Beatles.
On the White Album they did this ‘Number 9’ trick where it says ‘number
9’ going forward and it says something different
going backwards. And when Mr. Show-Business, Mr. Audio Tommy Mack was
here I brought that up and he said,
‘Oh, that’s so old.’ And said, ‘I’ll bet you can get right on Google
and get a copy of that.’
Well, we looked for a while, couldn’t find it, so I made my own. Yes,
I possess the White Album.
So I hooked it up to my fancy technology here [chuckle] and I made a
copy of it frontwards and backwards. And I thought
you might like to hear it. But the funny thing about this - it’s weird,
because of the audio software Cool Edit, you can see the music.
Which is strange, after a while you get to recognize what music looks
like. If you’re working on a song that has a certain phrase
repeated a bunch once you see what the phrase looks like you can sweep
on down and tell where that phrase is.
So, this little piece I’m about to play you - part of the confusing
part is it’s in stereo, and that may have something to do with the trick.
But, when you play it forwards it says ‘Number 9’, that’s three syllables.
When you play it backwards, it says ‘Turn me on dead man,’
which is 5 syllables. And funny, when you’re looking at the music,
when you’re seeing the music - it’s hard to pick out - it’ one of them
things I just can’t get my mind around - having an IQ of 64,
that comes up a lot.
So, I’m gonna play you the ‘Number 9’ and then right after that you’re
going to hear ‘Turn me on dead man’ and it just seems
funny, that number 9 backwards would have 5 syllables. Number 9, Turn
me on dead man. You tell me what you think and
then we’ll go on to the real show.
[Audio Clip: Number 9]
So, it’s real possible, I’m the only one who thinks that’s interesting.
And I’ll confess something to you here, there were times
back in the 70s [hushed] we did drugs. And if you’re in the right state
- in this case it was Arkansas - and you start hearing
that creepy stuff. Oooh, it can really get creepy. There’s
this one thing - oh, I don’t even remember what song it’s in -
probably on the White Album where you hear [m'yout!] - it sounds like
‘Let me out’ and when you’re in an altered state,
and you hear someone trying to get out and you hear that number 9 bidness,
it’s uh, spooky. It gets all kinds of spooky.
Ok, done with that. I know how you do NOT like the Beatles.
Report: ‘Boston priest abused 1000 children.’ This is from the July
24th USA Today. You can tell em - up on the thing here.
But can you believe, a thousand children systematically raped by these
priests. The bishop - what is his name - Law, the Bishop
orchestrated this. He was instrumental in helping - he drove
the getaway car, basically. He setup their marks for em so they
could rape their children and then he drove the getaway car. And he
did this for I don’t know how many years.
I need a point man, I need a fact man. Because Law was there, 20, 30
years, I don’t know. But the idea that this is - organized
serial rapes are a bad thing. Me, I think they’re worse than a bag
of pot, but that’s just me and my weird liberal pinko ideas.
But, for Bernard Law to preside over 1000 child rapes and then he’s
not charged with anything. You know why?
Because he’s Catholic. And in Boston, that holds a lot of weight.
So the prosecutor in Boston, he wants to run for Governor. So he’s not
going to do anything stupid like arrest the organizer
of a thousand child rapes. I don’t care if he’s a Democrat, I don’t
care if he’s Ted Kennedy’s brother - what the hell is this?
A thousand rapes and he’s not going to charge the guy. How is that
possible? Gee, they charge the bishop in Arizona for
murder when he ran over a guy - or manslaughter, whatever they hit
him with - but no, in Boston. Catholics and Boston go
together like PB&J. It’s unfathomable (Can’t believe
I said that on the first shot) that this Bernard Law could orchestrate
1000 child rapes and get a ‘That’s ok, buddy.
No harm, no foul.’ from the prosecutor because he’s Catholic.
I know you think I hate the Catholics and I don’t.
I hate organized, serial child rapes.
And the people who commit them should be behind bars, minimum.