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Vol 197 - Master of Puppets

May 2, 2000 - Today is Please Help Metallica Day

Enough!

Subject: Metallica Posts

BartCop:

What the hell is it with all the crap about Metallica?
I grant the fact that they are a good band.
I'll not even begrudge them their money.

But what the fuck are they doing taking up
so much space in an Anti-Pigboy EMag?

Isn't there something out there in Political Land that can occupy
our interest for 5 minutes without having to see the latest release
on the Metallica vs Napster/MP3 controversy.

I don't know that I have lost a minutes worth of sleep on this
"very upsetting situation." Sorry I nearly went into a coma during that one.

In fact I wish I was in a coma until something of interest
to the readership comes along.

Wake me when we invade Vieques or Elian gets to go home
or Al Gore destroys Bush in a debate.

SABUTAI

ha ha

I know I'm in trouble when Sabutai revolts!
He was subscriber #1 back in February 1996.

Yes, one could make the argument I've spent too much time here.
But I've never seen this big of a show biz disaster before.
Well, maybe OJ Simpson, but I can't think of any others.

BTW,
Paula Begala says the FBI may invade Vieques as soon as tonight!
Elian will be going home the 11th.
It'll be months before Gore can destroy Smirk in a debate.

Whiskey in the Jar

From: randall_guyton@yahoo.com

Subject: Napster vs Metallica

Hello Bartcop,

Here are some responses from two very good friends of
mine, both artists. The first response is from a girl
I know who performs in theatre, the second is from a
friend who was in a band that had some local success.

I have to say that I agree with them.

Randall,
Hopefully, you don't agree that I'm a "fucking knucklehead,"

===========================================
Friend One

Metallica has every right to be paid for songs that are covered undercopyright.
No one expects lawyers or doctors to give away their services for free,
but for some reason, when it comes to art, suddenly, it's different.

Legally, they have every right to every nickle.
And the fans have the right to never purchase another Metallica CD or
concert ticket as long as they live. The damage has already been done.
These kids that live and breathe Metallica will always remember that
the band turned their names over to an attorney who has words like
"federal" and "prison" coming out of his mouth.

What is objectionable is the idea that those downloading their music have
some sort of "right" to take the fruits of someone else's life work without
paying for it, and without their consent.
Where I come from, that's called stealing.

That's a separate argument, but let's go there for a second:
Do you own a VCR?
Do you mail royalty payments to the producers of each program
each time you watch the tapes you made?
No, you don't.
I call that stealing.

I was a moderate Metallica fan until today.
I did not steal their "life's work."
(It's my opinion you don't have a lot of experience at debate.)

I have never been to that website, never heard of it until this came up.
===========================================
Friend Two
(Friend One was the polite one)

Why is it that fans of music, or art in general think they have a right to
illegaly get access to said art without paying for it? The point here is not
about multimillionaire whiners, it's theivery, plain and simple.

Who are you to tell me what point I was making?
I didn't say "stealing is good."
I said it was suicide to suggest your fans belong in prison.

Do doctors give away their services for free?
Of course not.

Stupid, stupid argument.
Doctors aren't in the business of hoping people like them enough
to pay to listen to their work or watch them perform.

So, Napster and Mp.3, by all means, continue to rip off
artists you say you love.

Oh, go to hell with that ridiculous assertion.
I never said "I love Metallica,"
but even if I did, fuck you for calling me a liar.

Just don't come whining to me when they don't tour anymore because
they can't afford to borrow money from the labels for it.
And do you know why they can't afford it?
Because fucking knuckle heads like this guy don't pay for the albums.

ha ha
You got that part right.
I've never paid for a Metallica album because I don't have any.
I don't know which parts of this story you were sent,
but attacking me, personally, because I think Metallica's stupidity
and greed will cost them their careers makes no sense at all.
Metallica has shot themselves in the head,
and we both agree that they have that right.

And I disagree that this will be a PR nightmare.
True fans of the band, and I am sure there are many, are not going to
abandon them over this. I love how guys expecting what is their due
can be twisted into a " PR nightmare".

I'm now certain that my first impression of you was correct.
The "true fans" of the band have been threatened with RICO charges.
Do you know what RICO charges are?

Those are the tools they used to put John Gotti away.
Do you think "true fans" want Metallica to direct their lawyer
to file criminal charges against them for whatever reason?

And I'm sure you don't know the meaning of the words "PR nightmare."
Those messages I posted from the Metallica newsgroup were not fake.
Metallica fans are insane with rage that their favorite band has turned
"narc" on them by handing over their addresses to an attorney who has
threatened prison time for these (former) fans.

Time will tell who is correct here.

Remember, I never said the band had no rights.
I said it was career suicide to threaten 350,000 fans with prison time
for "illegally" listening to their music.

Who knows?
Maybe they were ready to retire, anyway.

Mail Bag

From: njohns22@yahoo.com

Subject: RE: Where's the Crime?

You're absolutely right about the religious insanity
that went into the writing of these anti-pornography
laws. Here's another appalling scenario...

It's not illegal (yet!) for two teenagers under 18 (one boy and one girl)
to have sex. BUT... if this young couple wanted to shoot a video
of themselves doing it, they're criminals.

It's obviously illegal to murder someone, but if a tape were made of
the murder (incidental or a documentary, not a snuff), it's not illegal.

So, the insanity of anti-pornography laws makes illegal the visual depiction
of something perfectly legal (consensual sex between teenagers).
Yet the visual depiction of murder is NOT illegal.

Norm

Ask BartCop

From: garyrstephens@yahoo.com

As part of their approach to the Elian Gonzales affair, the Republican party
tried to imply that everybody who thought that Elian should go back to his
father was soft on Communism.

Does the failure of this McCarthyist tactic indicate that the Republican party
has declined to such an extent that it can no longer elect legislators of
Joseph McCarthy's stature?

Gary S

Gary,

It is decidedly so.

BartCop

A Quick Funny from Bill Mahar

Bill: Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
Thank you. Very good to be here.

Listen, let me introduce myself.
I'm -- my name is Flipper.
I'm the dolphin, not the one from the old TV show, you know, a lot of us
with the same name, but I'm the one that rescued Elian Gonzalez,
and I got to be honest with you, I'm starting to wish I hadn't bothered.

I mean -- don't get me wrong, I love the kid and I love the publicity.
So far I've done, okay, "Larry King," "Today" show,
"Access Hollywood," you know, I'm making the rounds.
Because this whole thing would not have started without me.

Where's my 15 minutes?
And I could have done a better job raising the kid than those relatives.
Relatives?
That kid is more closely related to Speedy Gonzales.

Two drunk uncles, an insane woman named, I think Mayonnaise.

A fisherman/janitor on the couch and the Virgin Mary in the hallway mirror.
This isn't a home life, it's a Picasso.
These guys couldn't win a custody battle with the Sopranos.
Hey, I thought there were sharks out there.
You know, where I live, in the ocean.

I mean, people, please.
Tell me, on what planet would a custody court spurn the
father and turn this kid over to the Munsters?
I mean, these people are freaks.

Do any of them have jobs?
What did they used to do all day before they took up kidnapping and stalking?
And exploiting?
This kid was here two weeks, and he had designer clothes, a cell phone and a pinky ring.
He looked like Jonbenet Ramsey's pimp.

[ Audience oohs ]

Castro, Castro, Castro -- it's all I hear.
Hey, this kid wasn't going to be living with Castro.
Compared to what he had, he'd be better off living with Hitler.

And if Castro's so bad, why don't they get on a boat and
go kick his ass instead of screwing up beach traffic.
In the meantime, they should feel lucky.

You crossed Janet Reno and you're not on fire.

JANET RENO SENDS IN I.N.S. TO REMOVE RUDY
GIULIANI'S PROSTATE GLAND AT GUNPOINT!

CASTRO'S EVIL CUBA -- DISTANT RELATIVES DON'T
EVEN HAVE THE FREEDOM TO KIDNAP SMALL CHILDREN!

ha ha

These are headlines from The Smudge Report

It's never a bad idea to check what my good friend Al Smudge
has working over at the Smudge Report.

ha ha

Pigboy is railing against "the morons" who are breaking up Microsoft.

Hey, Fatboy!
One of the head "morons" is your hero, Judge Bork!
Another one is the judge Reagan appointed!
Yet you STILL blame the pointy-headed liberals?

ha ha

Does Pigboy not watch Sam & Cocky?
Or is he just screening out the callers that want to know
why he's calling his old friend these awful names?

If you live in a Time-Warner blacked-out area,
here's what happened on Millionaire last night...

It didn't work as well as planned.
One little thing they forgot:

When a multi-millionaire is in the seat, there's no pressure.

Besides that, they out-right cheated.
When someone started to give the wrong answer,
the other celebs chimed in and started slipping them clues.

Also, Rosie O'Donnell might be too goddamn stupid to play.
What are they going to do at the end of the week?
Rosie might be sitting there, all by herself.
Then, she might win the fast-finger thing.
I think it would be great if Clinton-hater Rosie didn't get on!
I'd pay money to see that!
Hey Rosie, I think I know why no man will have you.
Those poor kids will never have a dad, will they, Rosie?
(Don't tell me she's Hillary's friend - she's not!
If I had "friends" like Rosie, I'd eat my Glock)

The worst part of the night?

The parts with Dana Carvey and Kathie Lee.
Which leaves Duchovny the only chance at being the good part.
I like him, so maybe I forgave the mugging, but he won the bank
on Jeopardy - he's no idiot like the others seem to be.
(If I'm not mistaken, Duchovny has a Masters in English from
Harvard or Yale. Stupid, he's not)

The best part of the night?

Duchovny calls his sexy wife, Tea Leoni and asked her which
Italian city some nobody-ever-heard-of painting was hanging.

She said "You are so screwed!"

ha ha

A post from the alt.rock-n-roll.metal.metallica newsgroup

Tomorrow, Metallica is scheduled to 'chat' with their fans on the Artist
Direct web site to explain its fight against Napster. Lets 'explain' to
Metallica how we feel about being insulted, demeaned, and cast aside like
yesterday's trash. BOYCOTT METALLICA NOW!!!!!

The End of Metallica?

My mail doesn't say so, but I can tell many of you think
I'm making too much of this Metallica inferno.

Remember, I'm really old.
Never before, in my lifetime, has an actor or TV show
or musical group ever threatened to put their fans in prison
for wanting to see or hear their product.

This is fucking amazing.

If you want to see an honest portrayal of how their fans
are taking this attack, Click Here

This is not a set-up.
I had nothing against Metallica until today.

I predict they are in massive trouble.
They are going to have a meltdown like we've never seen.
They have a summer tour scheduled.
That tour is in massive trouble.

Never before have we seen a show biz act commit suicide, right on the stage.

Finally, a pro-Metallica Letter

From: 2pussy4u@hotmail.com (dead link)

Subject: Lazy Liberal Music Fans

Why are you liberal-types always looking for a hand out?
You'll tax anything you can get away with but when it comes
to spending $12 on a CD you cry and whine: WAAAH WAAAH
Every thing should be free WAAAH WAAH

Why should people be paid for the work they do WAAAH WAAAH
Those big rock stars are too rich WAAH WAAH.

There is such a thing as copyright law and Metallica has a right not to
have their property distributed for free without their permission.
What else do you lazy socialist bastards think society owes you?
(Ediotr's Note: My parents were married - in the Church, even.)

Do you think HBO should be free?
Should Blockbuster be forced to hand out free movies at the video store?
The bottom line is if you like a song you should be willing to
lay down a few measly bucks.
If not, listen to something else.
It's called CAPITALISM!

2Pussy2Leavemyname

Dear 2Pussy,

I fully understand capitalism.
My disbelief concerns a band so determined to get every last nickel,
that they could easily lose their careers over it.
Their zeal to get one more nickel might cost them all their future dollars.
That is stupidity past anything Smirk or Quayle has done.
That makes me think they're Republicans.

...and thank you for reading bartcop.com every day.

Metallica News

From: syegul@winmag.com

Subject: Did You Know?

Metallica use Ennio Morricone's "The Ecstasy of Gold" as their concert-opener.

Now I know why.

syegul

ha ha

Metallica is dropping faster than the economy under Reagan/Butch.

George Will Accuses Hillary of Theft, Fraud

George Will, (proven more stupid than a chimp) has accused Hillary
of putting "Chelsea's nanny" on the payroll as a security guard.

Chelsea's been in college for what, two years?
She's gotta be 19 or 20 by now, right?
Does she really have a "nanny?"

Or does she have a Secret Cervix agent assigned to her?
As big a ditto-spank as George Will is,
as hateful as the GOP has shown they can be,
do they really want Chelsea vulnerable to attack?

Why else would the idiot George Will make that charge?

Any clues?

ha ha

Watch out, Cunningham.
What you've just done may be illegal!

ha ha

Give to Ceasar what is Ceasar's
Give to Lars what is Lars's

From: bluelens@hotmail.com

Subject: Evil Communist ears

I hope that the next time I lend someone a DVD or a CD that they aren't
actually undercover FBI. I don't want to be caught up in a big sting operation.

How dare I think about lending someone a movie or some music that I bought
and the artists got paid by the royalties to someone that hasn't spent a dime to enjoy.
Next time someone wants to borrow a CD I think I'll turn them into the Metallica lawyers.

Be careful the next time you by a blank tape at Wal-Mart. You might have to
explain your actions for buying said item. It better not be for taping a TV program.

ha ha

You are evil for giving us VCR alerts on your web page. Don't you realize
that this is just as evil. Trading with someone a copy of some broadcast
that you have is just as bad isn't it...?

Bluelens

Blue,
I once rented a movie from Blockbuster and,
I'm ashamed to admit this,
I watched it twice.

To whom should I turn myself over?

I'm just glad the nuns who taught me in grade school
aren't alive to see how I turned out - a criminal.

Observation

El Pigbo often opens his show bragging that Brill's Content Magazine
(which was founded by my good friend Steven Brill)
has named him the "most influential" of the AM radio talk show hosts.

Yes, this is the same magazine that proves beyong any doubt,
using verifiable statistical data under labratory conditions,
that Chippy the Chimp is smarter than Fred Barnes, John McLaughlin,
Morton Kondrake and that smug bastard George Will

Rush says we should trust Brill's Content.

We do.

Legal News

Tell me what's wrong with this paragraph.

Bristow, OK - An accused child pornographer pleaded guilty Wednesday
to nine felony charges, involving two young victims, and agreed with Creek
County prosecutors to serve two life terms plus twenty years.
Formal sentencing was set for May 25th for John Sanger, 53,
who will serve the sentences consecutively.

Now, I don't want to be accused of being soft on crime,
but what kind of attorney did this guy have?

You can't get the needle for possessing pornography.
This idiot bastard PLEADED GUILTY to life without parole!
Who pleads to life without parole?
For possession of porno!

The only reason you'd ever plead guilty without a trial would be
to get a reduced sentence. This nut-sac will never see the sun again
and that's the deal his attorney coached him to take?

I wonder if he had the same attorney Metallica has...

More Legal News

Let's play, "Find the Crime."

March 30, 2000 - A Tulsa man was arrested in January for
pointing his videocamera at two young girls playing Skee-Ball
at a local pizza restaurant.

A security guard apprehended the man after witnessing him
videotaping the girls as they bent over to retrieve the skee-balls.

The man told arresting officers he had a "sick hobby" and
that he admitted being a "butt man."

Am I the nut here?
It's illegal to point a camera at young girls?
He never approached them.
He never spoke to them.
They had their clothes on, obviously, at a pizza restaurant.
He was arrested for pressing "record" on his camcorder.

Police got a search warrant and confiscated videotapes and
camera equipment from his car, hotel room and home.
Police found 20 tapes the man made over a 10 year period.
There was no mention of nudity or inappropriate behavior,
outside of pressing the "record" button.

I admit, it's sick, but taping the girls can't be a crime, can it?
Wasn't it the "impure thoughts" in his head that constituted the "crime?"
What if the guard had noticed him merely watching the girls?
Is that, too, a crime?

People are whining about Reno's "Gestapo stormtroopers,"
meanwhile men are being arrested for their thoughts?
I haven't slanted this or failed to mention anything important.
Somebody straighten me out.

Where is the crime?

E-Mail BartCop

Lots of People Talking, Few of them Know

From: Jeff.Makos@faulknergray.com

Subject: How To Help Metallica!

The press reports that Metallica has identified 335,535 individuals who
have "illegally" shared their recordings. Based on current standards,
Metallica has lost about $1.00 of royalties per CD traded.

So, after the manager takes 10% (minimum), the ban would have
had approximately $300,000 to divide four ways, or $75,000 each.
Given that the band plays one show at a high 80%-20% split with a promoter,
thus taking away approximately $600,000 at least (20,000 people x $30 a ticket),
or TWICE as much as it's losing to Napster, I've got the answer to Metallica's problem:

A METALLICA BENEFIT CONCERT, FEATURING METALLICA,
WITH ALL PROCEEDS GOING TO METALLICA!

Jeff M.

ha ha

Metallica Charities Inc.

Non-Metallica Mail

From: krez@inetnebr.com

Subject: GREAT QUOTATION

Dear Bart:

Found a great quotation by Francois Fenelon which I feel
describes all the Fox News spokesmen to a tee:

"Nothing is more despicable than a professional talker
who uses his words as a quack uses his remedies".

Bob Krebsbach
Hastings, NE

Bob, well put.
It could also describe El Pigbo.

Metallica Mail

From: genslab@genslab.com

Subject: mp3= death of rock&roll

I don't think you realize how serious this mp3 situation is.
Now when a fashion oriented "band" goes into the studio with
some session musicians to record, the results will be given away
free on the internet. This will shift revenue streams away from
recording and the only way a rock&roller can make any cash
is to actually perform in front of people, many of whom
may be closet socialists.

ha ha

It is grossly unfair of you to expect the aspiring millionaire
to actually show up and play his fucking guitar in front of people!
But you're a typical ignorant liberal and I'm sure you think it's
the session musicians (many of whom are negroes)
who "deserve" the money because they "work for a living".

Rock On,
Rob D

Rob,
Most excellent letter, Sir.
I'm glad I read it twice.
The first time I thought you were serious.

I'm so old, I remember when VCRs came out.
The movie industry was crying like a stuck Limba.
"Movies will die," they whaled.

I'm so old, I almost remember Cleopatra with Liz Taylor.
(Did you younger kids know Liz was once an actress?)
I think she got $1,000,000 for that film.
Years later, I think in the early seventies, they were saying
the era of getting a million dollars for one film was over!

They said the economy wouldn't support an actor getting paid
$1,000,000 a film - and then ...the dreaded VCR was invented.

Twenty years after the VCR, some of the least talented people
in the history of films are getting more than TEN million per picture.
...and yes, I'm talking about Julia Roberts, Tom Cruise, Adam Sandler,
Arnold Blackplowman and Sylvester Stallone, Will Smith and others.

Looks like the VCR didn't exactly destroy Hollywood,
and MP3s aren't going to make Lars any poorer, either.

By the way...

Check out the author's webpage at http://www.genslab.com
It has good stuff!

Metallica Part III (Update - see below)
(Ediotr's Note: So far, my mail is 100 percent anti-Metallica.)

This Metallica mess is getting bigger by the hour!

You just have to check this out.

http://www.paylars.com/

This is a site where you greedy people can donate money to
multi-multi-millionaire Lars Ulrich if you feel "guilty" about
downloading and listening to a song of theirs without paying Lars!

ha ha

How DARE you fans listen illegally!
How DARE you enjoy the vibrations from a string and not pay for it!
In Iran, they cut off your ears for a crime like this!

"It is therefore sickening to know that our art is being traded
   like a commodity rather than the art that it is."
       - Lars Ulrich,
         Metallica Drummer

Poor Lars!

Maybe if he smoked some marihuana, he could keep his food down?
Call me physic, but this has the potential to be one of the biggest
boneheaded public relations disasters of the last twenty years.

Hey, Lars!
This crap I write is "art," too.
ha ha
Therefore is sickens me to think someone might read bartcop.com
without sending me money, right Lars? And I'm not even a spoiled
super-super rich multi-millionaire whining about needing MORE money.

That's what we need: paybart.com for all you guilty thieves!

Isn't it amazing how yesterday, in my mind anyway, Metallica was a
good group, with many good songs, and today they're a bunch of
greedy, whining losers who need more and more and more money!

Whoooo, boy!
What's it like to have a career with millions of fans and then fuck it off?

I hope I never find out.

This Just In...

"RICO statutes are pretty broad. We think the Copyright Act is
violated every second by somebody making one of these downloads
through the universities' systems and through Napster, so that is within
the definition of a continuing criminal enterprise and subjects the
defendants to RICO liability."
- Howard King,
Metallica Attorney

ha ha

Now they want to put Metallica fans in federal prison?

ha ha
Make him stop!
Swear to Koresh, this is not a BartCop gag!

Tell me I'm dreaming!
This is more stupid than holding Elian hearings!

The RICO statutes?

Koresh!
I thought Rico was Lars's cousin from Venice!

ha ha

This can't really be happening!
They just can't be this stupid - they can't be!
Metallica wants to put the "music theives" in prison?

When did Larry Klayman join Metallica?

ha ha

I found a very funny anti-Metallica page http://w3.to/boycott_metallica
The owner of the page claims to be a 22-year old black woman.
Here's what she wrote:

Metallica's lawsuit against Napster just goes to show how hypocritical
they have become. It used to be about the music, now it's about the money.
Metallica were Metallica because of the loyalty to their fans, and the second
they broke that relationship, they lost all credibility.

Sure, LOAD was a pathetic album by metal standards,
but at least Metallica still treated their fans like gods.
Now, Metallica has turned on the very fans that made them who they are.

People didn't listen to Metallica on Napster because they wanted to rip the band off.
They did it because they LIKED THE MUSIC. Why are Metallica suing Napster?
Because Metallica wants you to buy the CD, so they can get more money,
maybe to help Lars afford plastic surgery to cover up that hideous face.

ha ha

Metallica - rich and hated by almost everyone - just like Pigboy!

Closing questions.

1. Is this the end of Metallica?
2. Will it get worse before it gets better?
3. Who's the primary idiot killing this band?
4. Have you ever seen a band screw up so much so fast?
5. How much greed is too much?
6. Like Pigboy, how many tens of millions is enough?

Will they sue me for posting this anti-Metallica jpg?

ha ha

If you'd like to see that killer Clinton video from Saturday?
You'll need tyrannical monopolistic giant Microsoft's Media Player to see it.

http://www.msnbc.com/news/401594.asp?bt=pu&btu=http://www.msnbc.com/m/olk2k/msnbc_o_install.asp

This is the video that made the GOP say,
"Koresh, we're glad we don't have to run against him again."

Thanks to Duhboid for locating that.

Take it from Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield of Metallica:

If you download some Metallica, and don't send some cash
to Metallica millionaires Ulrich and Hetfield,
you're just a no-good pinko commie bastard!

Gore Favored to Win

Jackie Dell, now in his 50th year of the sports and political
handicapper for the Las Vegas Sun has set the odds of
presidential campiagn at 8-to-5 for Al Gore.

"It's early, things could change, but it's Gore's victory to lose.
If the economy tanks or Kosovo explodes, or India-Pakistan
has a disaster, things could change."

ha ha

If the world suddenly becomes a lot more dangerous,
who wants some spoiled rich kid with no experience in charge?
If a worldwide catastrophe occurs, let's hope Condoleezza Rice
is around to show Smirk where India and Pakistan are on a map.

...and,

Is there some place I can place a bet on Gore?
I could use the extra money.

I got to see some of Skizics Surus's upcoming The Wall parody.
He's taking this entire Gore/GOP presidential race and put it to
Pink Floyd's The Wall concept album.

(I personally know the risks of attaching political parody
to a classic Pink Floyd album - cough, cough, cough)

He says it won't be finished until the campaign is,
but here's a little Zeppelin parody he came up with
to hold me over until The Wall is constructed.

Click Here

Metallica Narcs on 335,435 Dedicated Fans
Metallica has been taking names.

The multi-millionaire metal band, saying it needs more and more and more money,
is suing music-swapping company Napster for what they claim are copyright violations.
They say they have identified more than 335,000 individuals who enjoy their music,
and will stomp them into submission for trading tapes in violation of copyright laws.

The band's multi-millionaire suit-attorneys will deliver 60,000 pages of suspect's
names to Napster, asking them to block all of those individuals from the service.
"We don't want any snot-nosed shitheads to listen to our music without paying
us a big, fat royalty because it's hard to live on only $4,000,000 a year,"
said James Hetfield, formerly the most popular member of the group.

What a mess.
What in the world has gotten into Metallica?
They've gone Limba on their fans - why?
Have they always been a Republican band?
Is that why they cut their hair off?
To let people know the old band was dead,
and the new, greedy-whore band was here to stay?

Why would this group of multi-millionaires fight so hard for that extra dollar?
Don't give me that crap about, "It's their money."
There's an unwritten rule that once you have $50,000,000 in the bank,
it's time to stop being a greedy whore. The idea that they could each
have $50,000,010 by fucking their fans is outrageous.
After all the millions they've made - why turn whore now?

Who talked them into this?
Are they going broke?
Did the last album tank that badly?
They found a way to scratch another nickel from the people who
put them on easy street for the rest of their lives.

What's wrong with them?
Some bands encourage their fans to tape them and swap concerts.
I know the Grateful Dead did this for decades.
We got special "taper tickets" for Jimmy Page and Robert Plant
so we could set up tripods and stuff. Page and Plant are wildly rich,
like Metallica, so why would Metallica turn greedy whore this way?

I'd sure like to hear the pro-whore side of this argument.
I won't attack anyone who writes with an explanation, so let me hear
from someone who agrees with this career-killing move they've made.

E-Mail BartCop

(I must make room for the possibility that Metallica is the victim of
horrible whore reporting, but the story sounds legit to me.)

I've never purchased a Metallica CD, but I've had friends in bands
who played their songs and I got to like some of them. I guess I'll
continue to not put any money in their greedy-whore pockets.

May 1, 2000

Celebrity Mail

From: marc@perkel.com

Subject: McCain Sells Out!

"I'm a War Hero" used to mean something. It implied that a person
had the strength, patriotism, and courage to stand up and fight for
what you believe in. At least that's what John McCain wants us to
believe when he goes to Vietnam to remind us that he was a prisoner
of war. He may have been a hero 30 years ago, but is he a hero today?
I think not.

John McCain ran on the principle of campaign finance reform in an
effort to get rid of legalized political bribes where big contributors
give vast amounts of soft money in exchange for favors once the candidate
wins office. He called his bus the "Straight Talk Express" and committed
himself for standing up for principles. Now that George W. Bush has
won the Republican primary, McCain has abandoned his principles to
endorse a man who has already raised and spent more money as Clinton
and Dole spent in 1996 put together.

I therefore say to you, Mr. McCain, that you can't have it both ways.
Don't say that you're a war hero and that your principles mean something
and then sell out and put your party ahead of the good of the country.
You make war heroes look like wimps. Get up off your knees and quit
embarrassing us by groveling like a coward to the Republican party
machine. It takes more courage to stand up to your friends than to
stand up to your enemies, and your principles are still worth fighting for.

Marc Perkel

Marc Perkel is a Republican candidate for the United States Senate
for Missouri running against Senator John Ashcroft in the primary.
His positions can be found on the Internet at:

http://www.perkel.com/senate/index.htm

VCR Alert

I remember saying, maybe 100 issues back, that Bill Mahar,
night after night, had the worst monolog of any comic on television.
This has changed.

Joke for joke, he's probably got the best monolog now,
but that's only because he does the best 3 or 4 jokes and sits down.

Tonight - he's going to prison.
Five shows from Maricopa County, Arizona, which is run
by the premier prick in penology - Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

Could be some funny stuff, tho...

To read past Mahar monologs, get a link from my good friend
Al Smudge at http://www.smudgereport.com

ABC Gone From 7 Time Warner Systems

NEW YORK (AP) - In an escalating corporate dispute, ABC was blacked out
in the homes of 3.5 million Time Warner cable customers Monday - just as the
bullshit "sweeps" period was beginning.

Instead of ABC programming, Time Warner customers saw a message saying,
"Disney has taken ABC away from you" on the ABC channel in New York.

Around the country, the only way many viewers could see ABC was by
rigging up an antenna - or finding a friend with a satellite dish.

Disney, ABC's incestuous corporate parent, is fighting over how much money
Time Warner must compensate Disney for the right to carry its channels.

The affected customers were in New York City, Houston and Raleigh-Durham, N.C.
Smaller numbers of customers in the Los Angeles; Philadelphia; Toledo, and Fresno,
markets also lost service.

Repeat: I don't even like Janet Reno,
but look at the crap she went through.

This is from the second-most shrill harpy of our times.

Maureen Dowd

This is from her column that ran in the K-Drag Daily the morning of the raid.

She does not want to take Elián out of the house at night because it would
look heavy-handed. She does not want to take Elián during the day or on
weekends because the crowds would be too boisterous. She does not want
to take him in the rain, because he would get wet. She does not want to
take Elián at Miami's rush hour, Marisleysis's medication hour or Uncle
Lázaro's happy hour.

Over and over, she hammers home Reno's "inability to move."

She did not want to take Elián over Thanksgiving or Christmas.

She did not want to take Elián in March because...

She did not want to take Elián in early April because...

Each attack, Pigboy is screaming, "Yeah! Yeah!"

She did not want to take Elián last Wednesday night because...

She did not want to take Elián on Thursday because...

She did not want to take Elián in the family's videotape because...

She did not want to take Elián on Sunday, because...

Pigboy: "Why doesn't she just go in and get Elian?"
(I heard this myself, Sheep - don't write me.)

She did not want to take Elián after "60 Minutes," because...

She did not want to take Elián yesterday, because...

She does not want to take Elián this week because...

She does not want to take Elián on Sunday because...

...and when she finally sees the timing is right,
after hearing the right-wing harpies and whores scream for months,
when the crazed Catholics are mostly asleep, and things were quiet,
Reno storms the house with a Powell-Doctrine-approved strike!

Then, the day after the raid, Dowd attacks the GOP.

sigh...

You know me, I hate to give Pigboy credit for anything, but at least
he only hates women, blacks, Jews, gays, the poor, Liberals, teachers,
intellectuals, Native Americans, immigrants and people of compassion.

Maureen Dowd hates everybody - all the time!

Masked Mail

Subject: I WANT MY HEARINGS!

Now that the GOP has figured out how stupid they'll look if they call
Reno to testify about how she rescued Elian from his captors, they've
buried any plans for hearings.

But they don't want to admit that they're once again on the wrong side
of the issue, so how does El Pigbo spin it?

The Democrats are blocking the hearings!

His dittohead sheep are dumb enough to believe that the minority party
in each House can prevent any hearings from held.

Minority Leaders Gephardt and Daschle should put forward
resolutions DEMANDING immediate hearings, so we can have
a roll call vote of who really blocked them.

P.S. It's Mayday EVERYWHERE, not just the UK.

Marty, (whoops, sorry about blowing your cover...) it's better than that!

You watch!
In the next few days, something will "leak out" that there WAS
something non-Kosher, so the GOP will go ahead with hearings.

(It will be The Master directing the "leak.")

ha ha

PS. Rush said it was only May Day in Cuba, China and North Korea,
and he never lies, so you must be wrong!

Overseas Mail Bag

From: piratecorps@netscapeonline.co.uk

Subject: May Day

Hey, BartCop!
They're celebrating May Day in London by
re-enacting the Battle of Seattle from last year...

ha ha

Tony Blair's wife gives birth in a couple of weeks - as Blair and
Clinton are good friends, I'm sure Pigboy's already working on the
Clinton's cock jokes about it.

Nick B

Begala Shoots the Bull

The consensus in Our Nation's Capital is that the President stole the show at
this weekend's White House Correspondents' Association dinner. POTUS was,
by all accounts, even funnier than Jay Leno (who also got high marks).

The President's witty, self-deprecating performance touched off a new round of
what the Washington Post calls "Clinton Nostalgia."

Remember when all the smart people were talking about "Clinton Fatigue?"

Well it turns out that instead of being sick and tired of the guy, folks are already
pining for Clinton's once-in-a-lifetime combination of personal charisma,
policy mastery, political skill, and communication talent. At the last Washington
black tie dinner, one of the most prominent and successful GOP operatives
said to me of Clinton,

"I'm so glad he can't run again.
He'd beat us a third time.
He's the best I've ever seen."

Gee, I wonder who this parody is aimed at?

Great Suck-Up Lies

"We'll be right back with the funniest man in America, Jay Leno."
-- Tim the Catholic on the April 30 Meet the Whore

Tim, we know, since Leno is on NBC, just like you,
your bosses made you suck up and butter his ass before you kissed it,
but "the funniest man in America?"

Stroke Me, Stroke Me

"I was talking to my son-in-law, Jeremy the other day..."

Excuse me, Brains-on-Loan-from-God, but Jeremy is your step-son.
He'd be your son-in-law if he married your daughter, but you don't have a daughter.

Poor Pigboy

There are two constants in Rush's life:

1. Robert Bork is the God of all things having to do with law, and
2. only some wealth-hating liberal would ever want
to stop Microsoft from squashing competition.

But Bork gave El Pigbo a big headache Sunday on This Whore in an
interview with a man who wishes he was as smart as Chipp the Chimp!

"The fact is that Microsoft clearly monopolized the market
...and they did it by tactics which are illegal."
-- Rush's idol Judge Bork

ha ha

Eat it, Pigboy!

How Stupid is Too Stupid?

Smirk on McNeil-Lehrer

LEHRER: Five days later, do you still feel the Justice Department did
the wrong thing in reuniting Elian Gonzalez with his father?

Gov Smirk: I do.

LEHRER: Why?

Gov.Smirk: Because the picture on the newspaper, it just seems so un-American to me.
the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there... I talked to
my little brother, Jeb -- I haven't told this to many people. But he's the governor of --
I shouldn't call him my little brother -- my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas...

LEHRER: Florida.

Gov. Smirk: Florida. The state of the Florida.

You know, some people think it's "cute" when Smirk or his daddy talk "funny."
I wonder if Smirk's daddy, The Traitor, was talking "funny" when he told
Saddam it was a "Middle-east affair, and none of our business,"
just before Saddam started kicking in the doors of his neighbors?

Poor Smirk - Caught again!!!

More Raid Stuff

I think the biggest reason the Republicans hated that successful raid to
save Elian is because Janet Reno handled everything so perfectly.

Remember Colin Powell?
Remember his Rules of Engagement?
Let's check them out and greade the Reno performance:

1. Must have clear goals.

No problem there. The goal was to rescue that little kid and get him away
from his hysterical/alcoholic captors before the brainwashing was complete.
We must give Ms. Reno a grade of "A" for defining her goals.

2. Must be able to define victory.

An easy one - victory is getting Elian out without harming him, "A,"
and shooting as few of those crazed Catholics as possible, "B."
We must give Ms. Reno a grade of "A" for defining victory.

3. Must have exit strategy.

Ouir exit strategy was clear. Get the hell in and out in 2 minutes.
They were in and out of there cleaner than a Safeway chicken.
We must give Ms. Reno a grade of "A" for her exit strategy.

4. Must use overwhelming force.

Even the ditto-spanks agree she didn't use too little force.
We must give Ms. Reno a grade of "A" for overwhelming force.

So what do they have to bitch about?
Ms. Reno scored an "A," and I don't even like Janet Reno.
I think Clinton should've fired her years ago.

But Colin Powell must be proud Reno followed The Powell Doctrine.
I think the HMS Pinafore of Cheap-Ass Jealousy has sailed, don't you?

Getting the GOP to call a spade a spade is tougher
than giving Dr. Laura Weedwacker a bikini wax.

U-571

I saw this movie over the weekend.
If you want to see it as a virgin, skip this part.

This movie had the same problem as Saving Private Ryan.

You always shoot the enemy.
Always, every time, without fail, always.

Unless you have a cage to put the bastard in, and jailers to watch him,
you shoot the guy right there, like the Germans did in U-571.

In U-571 and Saving Private Ryan, the POW they allow to live
comes back to haunt them later. You always shoot the POW.

All in all, the movie was pretty good.
Matthew Mcgonaghey, or however you spell it, has been a favorite
of mine since he spoke the immortal cinematic courtroom words,

"Now, ....what if that little girl was white?"

That knocked me off my feet.

For a joke to work, the punchline has to come outta nowhere.
That wasn't a punchline, but I didn't see it coming
and it hit me like a two-by-four between the eyes.

...and, as a recovering racist, I'm less racist than most.

Mail Bag

From: msmith@netwood.net

Subject: 3-Hour Smirk Documentary

Call the FEC! This is unfair. Public Television is
showing a 3-hour documentary about the Bush campaign.

Confederate flags are waving, racist code words are flying,
and Pat Buchanan is occasionally pontificating...

Oh sorry.
It's a documentary about George Wallace.

My mistake.

Dennis Miller

Dennis had a good/bad show Friday.
His monolog was most excellent, pieces are to follow, but his guest
was some teacher. I'm all for teachers, but not when it comes to comedy.

Dennis's fawning over this teacher wasn't very amusing, and it ran for so long,
that he had to run thru the photos so fast they didn't make sense.

Dennis - an idea: Get two shows.
One, where you tell teachers how great they are,
and another that's full of jokes and funny observations about life.

Here's what Dennis was ranting about Friday:

Eargasm One is a great joke because you can't tell what the punchline is from the set up.

Eargasm Two is a double-dipper funny, especially for those who caught the
Elian audio page before they took it down.

Eargasm Three is one every taxpayer can get behind, at least those without a giant cyst

They should let Dennis do the White House Correspondents' Dinner next year.

Great Idiot Questions

Cokie Roberts: Senator, you're a Vietnam Veteran. You were held and tortured
for over five years by your North Vietnamese Captors. Today is the 25th anniversary
of the end of that war so I just have to ask you: What about Elian?

From the Egg Beater

http://www.drudgereport.com

34 at Starr law firm help Clinton campaign

Hillary Clinton has found financial support for her Senate bid in
the law firm of former White House independent counsel Kenneth Starr.

Clinton received $32,250 in donations from Kirkland & Ellis law firm PAC
during the first three months of 2000, recent campaign-finance filings show.
The money came from 33 attorneys and one legal assistant at the firm.

No one from Kirkland & Ellis has contributed to Plungerboy's campaign.

A recent report in The New Yorker magazine noted that law partners were split
over whether Starr should be allowed to return to the firm's Washington office.

Clinton supporters at Kirkland & Ellis include partner Marjorie Lindblom,
who knew Hillary Rodham from high school South in Park Ridge, Ill.
Lindblom and her husband, both gave $2,000, the maximum allowed.

Lindblom declined to comment when asked if the firm's many contributions
represent a backlash against Hardon Kenny's investigation of the Clintons.

Proof: Smirk CAN Learn

Condoleezza Rice, who served on the NSCouncil under Traitor Butch,
said Smirk was delving into the history behind the top issues in foreign policy,
including the Balkans, Russia and the Middle East.

"We've been spending a lot of time talking in depth about some of the big issues,''
Rice told Reuters in an interview conducted on Saturday.

Rice, a black woman, has emerged as Bush's most trusted foreign policy adviser
and seems destined for a top post in his administration, should he beat Al Gore.

ha ha

Bush recently said of Rice that Condoleezza
"can explain to me foreign policy matters in a way that I can understand.''

ha ha

That would be ...what?
Using wooden blocks and short sentences?

The calendar says it's "May Day" in the United Kingdom.

So, Happy May Day to Nick B and the BartCop fans in the UK!

Housekeeping

My mailbox was bouncing mail back over the weekend.
You'd think BartCop's little treehouse wouldn't be big enough
to cause great traffic problems with Mindspring or swbell.net

You watch - they'll claim that's why my DSL went down.
It's still not up, I'm writing this from work.

Koresh, I wish there was a reliable ISP in the K-Drag area.
They are all whores, signing up double the capacity of what they
can reasonably handle, and they're just hoping the people will take it.
You'd think the goddamn phone company could handle ISP, but nooooo.

There are three operators at swbell.net who will never be the same.

I saw a thing in TV Guide, talking about how it's hip to be Latino.
It made me think of the bad rap Marisleezes Hysteria is giving all Latinos.

So I thought of several famous Latinos, and compared them
and their accomplishments to the nutty Marisleezes.

What's the difference between Marisleezes and the Taco Bell dog?
The Taco Bell dog has a fucking job.

What's the difference between Marisleezes and Gloria Estafan?
Gloria Estafan has children of her own.

What's the difference between Marisleezes and Ricky Martin?
Ricky Martin can speak without crying.

What's the difference between Marisleezes and Carlos Santana?
Nobody hates Carlos Santana.

What's the difference between Marisleezes and Andy Garcia?
Andy Garcia pays taxes.

What's the difference between Marisleezes and Ricky Ricardo?
Ricky Ricardo only had 3 cameras pointed at him at one time.
(Good joke if you know Desilu's contribution to television)

...and finally,

What's the difference between Marisleezes and most Latinos?
Most Latinos love the United States!

9 AM

Well, it's nice to be on-line again.

The motherless huns at swbell.net surely needed to wait until Monday
to start repairs on the DSL lines because Koresh knows those high school kids
they use for technicians don't want to work weekends.

I won't go on and on like I did with Mindspring, but it burns my ass
to sit thru a dozen swbell.net commercials where they're bragging
how their system is so 24/7.

TV Stuff

After a month of pure crap, now we're going to get real television.
As always, they're going to put all the good stuff on at the same time.
That's why you need a roomful of VCRs to catch it all.

Last night, I trusted the critics.
I missed The 70's on purpose.
Did anybody watch it?
Was it as bad as everyone promised?

I taped Arabian Nights Part One, I hope it's good.
We watched the X-Files and The Practice.

Sidebar:
The much-heralded Duchovny-writen/directed episode failed.
It seemed like his only goal was to make everone say and do things
they'd never say and do, so what was the point?
Maybe it was just too inside.
I'm sure David had a blast, but what about us viewers?

Duchovny says he might stay with the X-Files another year or two if
Fox settles his lawsuit, and he gets to write and direct more episodes.
Maybe it's heresy to say this, but if this is the price to get him to stay,
perhaps we should just call it a series and let it slip away into the night.

Tonight is Millionaire with Stars.
I have a feeling it'll blow big-time.
I'm guessing Duchovny, Queen Latifah and Clinton-hater Drew Carey will
be watchable, but Rosie O'Donnell, Dana Carvey and Kathie Lee won't be.
Koresh, the constant mugging for the camera will surely make me vomit.
You watch, they're not interested in playing the game.
They're only whores for face-time - that's all this is.
I predict it will be lots less fun than usual.

However, in the next 3 1/2 weeks, we should be having a lot of VCR Alerts.

The White House Correspondents' Dinner

I hope you caught it - it was better than advertised.
The first thing we saw was Can-I-lick-eggs-off-you-Sir? Matt Drudge.
He wore that stupid 40's hat indoors so everyone would notice him and say,
"Hey, there's that asshole Drudge."

Then the lights dimmed and soon The Master took the podium.

He started with a visual Elian joke.

This picture made the crowd hum.

It was followed by this picture.

ha ha

Make the black helicopter crowd eat it, Bill!

Then came the eargasms.

They don't take too long to load, and they're worth it.

Eargasm One is a great joke. The writer should be recognized.
It took a master to set it up properly.
The timing is perfect.
The low, somber tones were perfect, too.
You're expecting a serious-as-torture McCain moment,
and we got slapped hard with a killer joke instead.
Mr. President - you have a future in show business.
(That's Leno cackling in the background.)

Eargasm Two is a shot at the whores at ABC. (Westin is president)
Excellent joke, Sir.
Those dirty whores at ABC deserved that - and more.
I thought you went a little too easy on them.

Eargasm Three is a couple of jabs at Smirk, and he gets some revenge
on the premier political whore of the last few years - Dick Morris.
Smirk is thanking his lucky stars he's not running against the greatest
political mind of our times - just his protege!

Eargasm Four is a great uppercut to the chin of the ditto-monkey congress.
Go Bill!

The president's comedic timing and delivery is masterful - this guy's a pro!
A less-talented man would've delivered only half the impact Clinton did..
He read the Republican lines like a true ditto-spank.

After his stand-up routine, Clinton showed a film.
It was as funny as hell.
You probably caught snippets on the Sunday shows.
(If I ever get video-streaming, I could show things like this)

The film was so good, he got a standing ovation.
I've seen many of these dinners, they rarely give up the standing O.
But this film was really well-done.
Regis said on This Whore it was put together by the Ray Romano staff,
but the tone and feeling seemed very Lettermanesque.
Excellent work, as always, Mr. President.

Too bad Leno wasn't nearly as good.

Leno's monolog was a re-hash of half-funny jokes from the last 2 years.
He couldn't have his people write something better?
He had so many damn props and clips, I thought he was Carrot Top!
I half-expected him to smash a watermelon like f-ing Gallagher.

Jay, is this the best you can do?
Would you like the White House staff to assist you?

He also had a very vuglar sex joke - one that marred the whole night.
It was too vulgar to re-print here at bartcop.com

After he did it, he begged, "I had to do just one - just one," as tho
being very vulgar in front of the First Lady was OK if you didn't
go on and on and on about it.

Jay, not only did you fuck that up, not only did it stink the place up,
but it made me realize that Ol' BartCop works cleaner than Jay Leno.

OH, sure, I might use the "f" word or something sometimes, but Leno
can be so extra crude and vulgar. Sometimes I use some "colorful"
language, but I don't make anybody want to hurl their cookies.

Do I have an example?

Last week, Swear to Koresh, he must've done TWENTY jokes
about the "Toilet-to-Tap" program in Los Angeles.

Yes, some idiot-whore thought up that impossibly-stupid name,
so Leno did TWENTY jokes about eating/drinking shit.
He did five in one night, five the next night, then three or four
for the rest of the week, as tho that was a funny subject.

Koresh - I hate that when he dwells and dwells on eating shit.
Why would a seasoned comic like Leno not understand that we MIGHT
put up with one shit-eating joke, maybe even two if it was damn funny,
but Leno goes on and on and on, as tho the embarassed giggling from
the nervous crowd was a good substitute for a good, hearty laugh.

Jay, I think you're losing it.

I think your formula jokes have worn out their welcome.
You've got over a dozen high-paid writers doing the same old formula
jokes and it's getting really, really stale.

Did Bob Hope bequeath you his box of jokes?

The White House deserved better than your re-cycled crap, Jay.

Let me get this posted and go to whatever's next.
I've got a pile of stuff that I need to get posted.

swbell.net is down - no DSL. Like Mindspring, swbell.net is hiding like a scared woman,
unwilling to answer the phone or e-mails. Should be up Monday AM.

From: sabutai@ix.netcom.com

Subject: From the 1996 GOP Platform

"We believe that parents - fathers and mothers who provide
their children with the love, guidance and direction they need -
should be the major influence in shaping their child's character,.."

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