Volume 248 - Chess Pains for Smirk

August 17, 2000

Demo-Con 2000


 Good evening, and here we go...

 Sorry we're starting so late.
 One of the rottweillers ate a neighbor kid, it took a while to handle...

 Well, I guess the first thing we should do is run down the check list
 and see what last minute loose ends need to be tied up.
 We will do these in order of importance, in case some news breaks suddenly
 and we're stuck here at the computer and can't get away.

 1. The Chinaco.
     Yes, at lunch today I snuck out and drummed up God's Finest Tequila.
     Still a tremendous bargain at $31.95 and change at K-Drag's Parkhill Spirits.

  (They have CASES of Casta Weber Azul Reposado stacked in the aisle,
     and they were selling it for $38!!!  (Regular $54 in K-Drag, $75 in Las Vegas)
    You remember the Casta Weber Azul?
     Casta Weber Azul Reposado came in second to Chinaco Anejo at the
     First Annual Great Rio Tequilafest
     What a fine time that was...
     But hey, why buy second-best and pay $7 more?)

    So I was able to secure Chinaco Anejo bottle with hand-written #L000339AA00007.
     It was the first batch right out of the barrel - that's a good omen for tonight!
     I've poured my first shot, .....ahhh, .....that sweet smell...

 Ok, now that we've run thru the checklist, let's check the channels.

 Tucker (Please Don't Kill Me) carlson and Jake Tapper and their dates
 are doing a by-the-book primer for ditto-monkey wannabeess on CNN.

 On the MS Network,  Tom Brokaw is trading face time with Tim the Whore.

Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win.
Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win.
Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win.
Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win.
Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win.
Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win.
Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win. Gore can't win.


 What's this?????
 Slow speed chase?

 I'm not sure, but I think OJ has hijacked Gore's limo!!!


Karen Hughes says Smirk agrees to FIVE debates.
That sure seems like a mistake.

If I was that stupid, I'd want fewer debates.

ha ha

Hughes just said she was outraged the Cock Hunt was cranked up again, so to speak.

"It's terrible, it's just not right!"

ha ha

Knock it off, lady...


Who's this guy?

Isn't that Duddy Kravits, or something like that?

I don't remember his name, because I'm anti-Semitic.

CNN has somebody...looks like the vulgar Pigboy!


Oh, that's right.
Rush is an insane clown.
He's such a funny entertainer, nobody would ask him to comment
on a serious event like a political convention.

No, that's Karl Rove, Smirk's brain.
He's says he's outraged that they'd make a move on Clinton's cock today.
Of course, he says the best way to prevent these kinds of sex scandals in
future administrations would be to elect George W Bush because he has no cock.

ha ha

Hey, Karl!
If I'm ever in trouble, don't help me, OK?


 Goodwin and Safire say "Gore has no chance."
 It's a good thing MS was able to Scarfe up some independent politicos.
 Y'know, when she talks baseball, she hides thatNazi half really well.


Still haven't tasted the Chinaco, I've just been sniffing it.
I'm going to wait until I hear something really stupid to do my first shot,
and then I'll just sip-sip-sip the rest of the night, unless things go really bad.

...are they running more commercials than usual?
Sure seems like it,

8 PM

The President Elect is in the building!

I sure am wanting to do that first shot.
I guess if I want to hear something really, really stupid the quickest,
I'd better hurry over to the Fox Whore Network.

It's exactly 8:02, let's see how long it takes them...


They've gone an entire minute, so far, without saying something really stupid.
I'm impressed.

Hey, you guys!
Let Brit Hume talk!

OK, Brit Hume said the Democrats are unhappy that people often use
the word "choice" instead of "abortion." He says the NOW gang gave out
buttons with the "A" word instead of "Choice."

Well, we have a situation...
What Hume said is probably correct, but it WAS stupid, so...




A funny Lazio commercial.

"Help Rick the Lick with a donation today. Hillary has untold millions
 and we can't stop her without your help."

 ha ha

 She's going to smash him like a bug...
 She's going to stomp him like a cigarette butt...

 ha ha

 Ladies and Gentlemen, you're looking at the smartest Republican
 in the state of New York that has never been caught cheating on his wife.
 What else would explain throwing a 26-year old boy up against Hillary?



Christy Hefner on Fox Whore Live

She's smart - and sexy, too.
It figures her mother was a nice lookin' old broad.
She must get her looks from her, instead of her dad.


Instant Celebrity Mail

 From: American Politics Journal

 Subject: Doris Kearns Goodhead

 "Y'know, when she talks baseball, she hides thatNazi half really well."

 Let's see Brokaw get Doris to talk about haw she gave LBJ those
 oh-so-tasty hummers beneath the Oval Office desk.
 Hmmm... you don't  suppose she gave Monica any pointers now, do you?....


 ha ha

 Go Dave!


 Y'know, I got several e-mails saying they had no TV, and were
 counting on NPR and  bartcop.com  to get the convention news...

 ha ha

 Remember, you can't always believe what you read...

 ha ha

 Coming Next!
 Tipper Gore with the Grateful Dead, I think -
 or maybe it's the Airplane, one of them...


 I had a thought...

 If you send me e-mail during the show, put "NOW" in the header
 so I can jump in & out of the mailbox, and don't send a book!
 Till tomorrow, anyway.


 The other Gore daughter, Kristen - the responsible one.
 Wait, is she the daughter who shot JR?

 Knowing she's the sane one, and her older sister is the wild one,
 makes the other more more attractive.  (All men are pigs.)


 Are you ready for this?

 Oh. Mr Greenfield! says Tipper sat in on drums with the Dead at a concert.

 Ok, here we go...
 She's going to introduce the man who they say needs a knockout to win this fight.
 We're watching history unfold before our eyes.

 Did you hear Rush's great idea for a Gore entrance?
 Since it's Hollywood, have the sounds of choppers drown out everything,
 then set off flashpots and smoke bombs and have Algore slide down a rope ladder
 like he's repelling off a helicopter, greasepaint under his eyes and M-16 in hand.
 Hey, I'm hoping that'll happen and Pigboy got word leaked!

Uh-Oh, a movie...
I guess after Clinton, that's standard from now on.

ha ha

Gore, the simple farmboy

Tipper! Come quick!
Al's cheating on you with some babe!
Call Hardon Kenny!
Call Hardon Kenny!

He might be having sex!!

How could he!
After all we've just been thr...



That's Tipper?

Hey, she's a babe in that picture.

Nevermind - Sorry about the cheating thing, Al.


If Al's due to come on at 9, does that mean this movie lasts another 17 minutes?

ha ha

Al Frankengore




Ok, the waiting is over, it's time to see our future.

Go Al!


He even looks a little like Steve Young, doesn't he?

Al, I have two words for you:

Choice  and   Choice!

Use the hammer, Al.
No, the BIG hammer.

No, the BIG hammer, the one on the end..

Yes, that's the hammer to use for CHOICE!


Did he just say he loved Tipper since prom night?
Does that mean what I think it means?
How old is Koretta?

ha ha

Just kidding, don't write - sheesh!


Hey, he started early...

Mentioned JoeL, that's good.
Mentioned Clinton - that's better!

A List!

Go AL!

Hey, Al just quoted Ol' BartCop!

"They say it was the people's work that made us prosperous,
  but weren't you working hard a few years ago, too?"

ha ha

Go ahead and use that, Al.
Anything I can do to help, good buddy!

ha ha


C'mon, Al, get revved up a little...

"I am NOT satisfied!"

Good line, keep saying that.

"I am my own man!"

 Tell them, Al!

 Tribute to Mom, that's always good...

"I was always proud to wear my uniform in the Army!"

ha ha

Unlike those two GOP draft-dodgers, he means.

The environment,
a strong suit for Gore.
Go Al, hammer them!

ha ha

Gore just promised "No more colonias if I'm elected."

 Smirk, how could you???

 ha ha

 Hey, Al, what about choice?

 I don't understand the timing.
 Is he going to talk for 45 more minutes?

 Finance reform, that's good - for a builder, maybe..

 ...I'm not getting anything to make fun of...
 If Gore wins, I think the treehouse will be starved for laughs...

 ha ha

 "Sixty two cents is NOT the kind of change I'm working for!"

 ha ha

 Is this it?
 Is he ready to talk choice?

 (Wow, just checked the mailbox. Hi.)

 Civil rights, and Affirmative Action, yeah, good steps towards choice, Al!



 A nod to gay rights, hate crimes are bad,
 something that idiot Smirk would never say.

 ha ha

 Crime is down, paychecks are up!
 Crime is down, paychecks are up!
 Crime is down, paychecks are up!
 Smirk is down, Democrats are up!

 Drug-free and gun-free?
 Did you see Meathead applauding?


 I like what he's saying, but they say he needs a knockout.
 Are we seeing a knockout?

 ha ha

 He's from Possum Hollow?
 "I still believe in a place called Possum Hollow!"


 ...ahhhh, the soooooth taste of Chinaco Anejo.
 There aren't enough "o's" in smoooooth to do it justice.
 I feel compelled to tell you about it, like some well-meaning religio-nut.

 "We've GOT to win this election!"

 Get rriled up, Al!

 "We're all imperfect"

 A shot at Clinton?
 Just kidding...

 "I won't ever let you down!"

 I think that is a shot at Clinton, ....which ....he ....deserves...

 ...and then it's over.

 Well, we have seen history live before our eyes.
 Did Gore change anything?
 I don't think he got a knockout, but did he need one?

 My first impression of the news of the night is Karen Hughes saying
 Smirk has agreed to be bitch-slapped five times, and two for JoeL/Heartattack.
 That's hueueueueuege news.

 When two boxers negotiate a title contract, they negotiate things like
 the size of the ring. The plodding puncher (Foreman) wants a small ring
 and the dancing master of the sweet science (Ali) wants a big ring
 so he can move and dance and ride his bike.

 Smirk wants more rounds?

 ha ha

 Smirk's OK with a big ring?

 ha ha

 Hey Al, Make him stop!

 ha ha

 Wouldn't it be fun if the Richard Dunn factor swung this election?
 Nah, God wouldn't allow it, ....cause it's too perfect!

 ha ha

 "Sherman, let's step into the Time Machine."

 "Ok, Mr Peabody."

 In 1988, at Bush's convention he repeated the cliche, "Stay the course"
 so many damn times I thought I was going to spew.
 The Gore folk had to know that.

 Why would Gore intentionally avoid saying that?
 He said things like that, but never used those words.
 I think people are really, really stupid, many more stupid even than myself.
 I think people need the message in as few of small words you can make it.

"Stay the course" is short enough for people to remember.

 Do you remember the famous SNL skit where Carvey was doing a great Butch
 in the debate skit answering, 'Stay the course" to every question.

 Jon Lovitz was doing Dukakis and, frustrated that his answers were always smart
 and on-target and all of Butch's answers were "Stay the course," so Lovitz looks
 into the camera and says, "I can't believe I'm losing to this guy."


 Red Alert!
 Red Alert!
 This is no drill!!

 I just checked my counter, and it seems I've sufferred a massive
 drop-off in hits in the last 15 minutes, and that worries me.

 Either I posted a really off-color joke that really pissed off a lot of people,


 ...there's a massive, nationwide Kool-Aid party in the Democratic Party!
 There wasn't a comet flying by tonight, was there?

 C'mon, it wasn't that bad!
 He's still going to win.

 Apparently that Santa guy thinks so, too.
 Remember, he wanted to make a friendly bet with me.
 I agreed, fully, with common-sense business-accepted safety provisions
 and I've yet to hear back from him.

 Perhaps it's a little colder at the North Pole than usual?


 Is it my imagination, or is Bernie Shaw swooning over this speech?

 barrier between this and that.



 That ugly feeling just popped into my head again.
 Yesterday, I got an e-mail at work that hit me like a rock.

 Made me think of  MLK, RFK, JFK

 It would've been fun to hear them speak at this convention.

 But no.


 Live , Raw and Un-Edited Reaction

 Fred Barnes - It was reactionary Liberalism, nothing more.
 Mort Kondrake -  A bunch of tax & spend, tax & spend
 Peggy Noonan - He played to his liberal base, that's all.
 Candy Crowley - They don't see him as a leader.
 George Will - The speech was insufficiently superfluous.
 Dick Stone - My wife likes it hard and deep.
        (The old-timers from 96 will get that one.)
 Brit Hume - Typical liberal claptrap.
 Candy Crowley - I'm dry
 Bill Schneider - He should've said, "I'm not Bill Clinton."



 Carville on Leno - coming next!


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