Vol 157 - Blame It On Rio


In the Republican debate last night,  that Gary Bauer woman
kept saying he was in the party of Lincoln and Reagan.
Lincoln and Reagan?
"Lincoln" and "Reagan," go together like..... "President" and "Gary Bauer."
    -- Colin Quinn

Joke 2

You know what that Pokeman thing is?
...It's short for "pocket monsters."
It's a huge deal, and I'm thinking...
haven't kids been playing with those for years?
   -- Dave

Nut Mail

From:   KarmaMkt@aol.com

Subject   (no subject)

you arrogant group of liberals!  just because someone has a different
opinion  from yours does not mean he or she is a nazi whore.

(That's true. I didn't say you all were, I said that dirty bastard Rush is,
 and I have proven it again and again for almost four years now.)

in that case, i'm a nazi whore only because i believe that God
has a place in everyone's lives, and you don't.

(Nazi whore, are you sure you want to introduce yourself that way?)

you are so good at calling names, but you know what? i'm just one decent,
law-abiding , tax-paying citizen, who helps at soup lines and donates to
charity and not waiting for uncle sam to do that for me.

(When you help other people, you act like a liberal.
  Y'know, your spelling is pretty good, too.
  Are you sure you're not a liberal?)

i'm proud to be conservative and the thing is
i'm not white, male, nor protestant,. now there!

(Whoa, you really put me in my place, there, lady.)
  Three cheers for the black, lady Jew/Catholic.)

i hope you find money for whatever agenda your have!

(Thank you, I wish you success, too, but you might find a different
 way to introduce yourself besides, "I'm a nazi whore.")

VCR Alert

Saturday night, HBO presents Dennis Miller's Millenium,
his summation of the last 1000 years.

Right now, Chris Rock is still king, but Dennis Miller is a close second.
Maybe Miller will pull a McCain and overtake the front-runner tomorrow night.

I know some of you don't like Dennis Miller, but the son-of-a-bitch is honest.
He's nobody's whore.


I had a near-crisis of faith today.
I saw the Catholic movie, "Dogma."
(Partial spoilers, if you want to see the movie "clean," stop reading.)

Thank Koresh I had my ideas firmly ensconsed on this web page beforethis
movie came out, otherwise you'd accuse me of stealing their ideas.
If you go see Dogma, you'll swear BartCop helped write it.

Two angels (Matt Damon, who can't act, and Ben Affleck, who can) have been
thrown out of Heaven, but then they discover a loophole that'll get them back in.
(Remember my math loophole, using ejaculations instead of prayers?)
Trouble is, if they get back in Heaven, it proves that God was wrong.
Since God can't be wrong, He sends hit-men to murder His angels.

This movie is sooooo Catholic, I'm not sure you people from the false religions
would get many of the references. There was a lot I didn't understand,
and I'm as Catholic as a little Eskimo boy can be.

The crisis part came early in the movie.
I saw this movie completely alone in a theater at noon today.
Very early in the movie, an angel appears and identifies himself.
The lady says, "How do I know you're really an angel?"

So the angel snaps his fingers, and suddenly they're in a Mexican resturant.
The angel yells, "We need tequila over here!"

Tequila is how the angel proves himself?
Was God sending me a sign?
Was God using my new fascination with fine tequila to send me a message?
What kind of tequila were they drinking?
I couldn't tell, because they were drinking it man-style from a glass,
instead of those tiny shotglasses that the women use.

I started to sweat a little, wondering if maybe I'd been wrong all these years.
Since I was the only person in the theater, maybe the tequila bit wasn't really
in the movie.  Maybe God added that part, just for me, to send a sign.

I was worried for about 30 minutes - all the Catholic jargon they were using,
all the old references that came rushing back into my mind made me wonder
if God was trying to reach me, using the tequila as a lure.

Later, in a scene shot on a train, they drank more tequila.
I was really sweating bullets now.
I could feel my science and logic leaving me, being replaced
by fear, doubt, wonder, surprise and shock!
Whoa, heavy on the shock!

Why the heavy tequila metaphors?
It didn't fit the plot, there was no reason to have alcohol in the scene,
much less tequila, so my non-faith was really shaking at this point.

I was hoping other people would come into the theater.
If this movie was being altered by God, maybe it would be different if
there were other people in the theater, maybe He would let me off the hook.

But then, I was saved.

Science and logic began flooding my mind like a Kubrick movie.
I was free from fear, doubt, wonder, surprise and shock.
My feet were back on granite - I was saved.


The camera pulled back and revealed they were drinking Jose Cuervo!
Surely, God is smart enough to know He can't lure me with Jose Cuervo.
Surely, in Heaven, they only drink 100% blue agave tequila.

So, what have we learned from all this?

Drinking fine tequila can save your soul.

Today's Doonesbury cartoon mentions Governor Blow Monkey's
"arrest at Princeton" in the early seventies.

Trust me on this point:
There is proof of GBM's drug use, and I'll tell you how I know.

 If it was just somebody making a claim about him, Butch could simply say,
"That drug abuser is hallucinating, probably from smoking too much pipe."

If there was no proof, the smart GBM move would be to say,
"I never, ever did any drugs of any kind," but he can't say that.
He can't say that because there is proof.

By hedging, there's always a chance he'll be forgiven because
he figures he never actually lied about his drug use, in so many words.

The Democrats are sitting on this proof right now, biding their time,
waiting for every Republican egg that exists to get into GBM's basket.

The proof is his arrest record.
What's Butchie going to say,
"That's not me in the photograph? Those aren't my fingerprints?"

Convention week, probably on Tuesday, when everyone is paying close attention,
just when he's polishing up his acceptance speech to lock up the nomination,
they're going to spring this proof on Butchie and screw him to death.

I've been to the future.
This will happen.
This has happened.

Actually, it was kind of cowardly of me to "predict" something that has already happened.
Afterwards, Barbara Butch cries on CNN - it's really sad...

The Crumbling Begins

Governor Blow Monkey's camp is crowing about the "big zinger" their boy
got in on Steve Forbes, because Forbes wrote an article in the seventies about
the possibility of having to raise the retirement age past 65.

Forbes shot back, "You know what I was doing in the seventies - writing columns
for Forbes Magazine. What was Governor Blow Monkey doing 23 years ago
that he's afraid to discuss with us today?"

ha ha

Go get 'em, Goofy-boy!

Quick Debate Quotes from December 2

Butch: Senator McCain is a good man.
            I have no idea what compelled me to say that.

I do.
That's your way of apologizing for the whispering slurs.
And I guess if you singled out McCain as a good man, the others aren't?

How about an Eargasm from Mr. One Percent, Alan Keyes.

That Bauer Woman: My dad was a low-life janitor.

B'Orrin Hatch: That ain't shit! I grew up in a goddamn chicken coop!

Forbes: I promise to get rid of Alan Greenspan and fix this economy

ha ha
You're going to fix Bill Clinton's economy?
What's next, you goofy, rich kid?
You going to fix the Earth's rotation, too?

McCain: Not only would I keep Greenspan, but if he died, I'd prop him up
                and put sunglasses on him like "Weekend at Bernie's".

Butch: I can't believe Saddam is still in power.
            Who's the idiot that let that happen?

McCain: You're starting to piss me off, Blow Monkey!

B'Orrin Hatch: Let's all travel together on the same bus without our entourages
                          and we'll sing songs like the goddamn Partridge Family.

One by one, these mental-midgets declared they were the true savior of Social Security,
and with the same breath, they called for tax cuts and a big increase in military spending.

Gore will chop any of these losers into little ditto-meatballs.

You know how Pigboy always says, "It doesn't matter what the liberalssay,
you have to watch the results, because that's where you'll see disaster."

I have a chart for you, Boss Hogg:

Remember, Red-Ink Reagan showed up in 1981,
and Bill Clinton was the one who saved America from the Reagan Error

Even the nuttiest Clinton-hating wackos have to admit things went to shit under Reagan.
And the reversal started the day after Clinton's 1992 victory.

Now, you tell ME which party is the party of fiscal responsibility.

And Pigboy wants us to name something Clinton, personally, did to save America?
Screw you, Pigboy.
Just look at the chart.

If there's anything we can all agree on, it's that this country needs a new direction!
Screw Peace and Prosperity!
Vote Blow Monkey 2000!

Thanks to Tamara for the chart.

Time Travel Mail

From: Wezeldo

I liked the Las Vegas story, especially the cabbies.

 ...sheesh. I got into a cab to go from Bally's to the Hard Rock.
I swear I got to the Hard Rock BEFORE I left Bally's.
Some space/time continuum thing...pulling g's in a Crown Vicky is not to be missed...

I've got to hear the things that were left out of your story.

Future Cam

This is what America will look like if tree-hugging Al Gore wins.


This is what America will look like if the Blow Monkey wins.


This Ad paid For By:
The Vote Your Lungs 2000 Committee.

A Couple of Eargasms

Hey, Dr. Laura, I heard your kid Dhearyckeche is dumber than GW Butch.
Is this true?
They say he's more stupid than the floor I'm standing on.
They say he's got the I.Q. of spoiled meat.
Is this true?

Doc Meng's Reply

One of My Favorite Eargasms

Sex and the Pigboy


To: bart cop
From:  (withheld)

We don't care about mexican food or how drunk you get or your stupid vacations.
Stick to the issues or youll lose everything.

Kurt W.

Pete Rose

The Gods of Baseball have agreed to meet with Pete Rose's attorney
to see if something can be worked out to get Pete back in the game.
Pete belongs in the Hall of Fame.

But I saw an article by Bill Thompson of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram that said,
"Like alcoholism and drug addiction, compulsive gambling is a progressive ailment.
Why hasn't anyone asked Pete Rose if he still gambles - and if so, does he bet on sports?
And if he bets on sports, which sports does he bet on?"


Is this Bill Thompson guy related to Ken Starr?
Why don't we subpoena Pete's parents, kids, friends and associates and threaten
them with long prison terms unless they give the bastards what they want?

Let me guess: In baseball, the Rule of Law must come first?
Somebody call Henry Hyde - the pennant is falling!!

People  who stay up late at night trying
to figure out new ways to keep
the best hitter in the history of the game
from getting into the Hall of Fame,
disgust me.

Cheeses, it's not like he tried to cut off his wife's head.

As with Clinton, Pete's enemies will give him his greatest boost.
That prick Jim Gray, who pulled that Limba-esque stunt to embarrass him
that night when he got the longest standing ovation at the World Series ,
will probably turn out to be the guy who put Pete in the Hall of Fame.

If it wasn't for his cheap-shot ambush backfiring, Pete might've never got this chance.

One other thing: Re-read that quote in italics.
If they're so goddamn afraid Pete Rose might gamble again,
why is the GOP trying to nominate a former (?) alcoholic and former (?) cocaine-using,
unqualified playboy to become the most powerful person on the planet?

We MUST keep Pete Rose away from baseball - for the children's sake,
but let's let the drunken blow monkey put his finger on the nuclear button?

Mail Bag

From:  sabutai@ix.netcom.com

Subject:  Outrage on the Fox News Network


This morning on Fox News' gossip feature called New York Post
Page Six, they did an article about Roger Clinton, who is doing
a concert in Korea on News Years Eve.

While talking about Roger, they showed a short clip
of the inbred banjo-playing mutant from Deliverance!

It was bad enough Fox was reporting anything from the Clinton hating
New York Post, (see poll of the 25 most evil people of the Millenium).
But this went way overboard. This is in the same league as
Limba doing the Chelsea Clinton White House Dog picture.

This is from the News Network that prides itself on the Motto,
We Report, You Decide.

Well, I just decided to never watch Fox News again.


Proof the GOP is Interested in the Environment

Thursday's USA Today says the KKK has signed up to Keep America Beautiful.
Missouri has allowed the KKK to sponsor a stretch of Interstate 55
in their "Adopt-a-Highway" program.

Just today, Rush said, "The environmentalists are all Stalinist/Leninist/Maoists."
I guess, for the first time ever, Rush is wrong.

Missouri - That's the state that elected John Ashcroft (R-Clinton Cock Hunter)
                 No wonder the KKK is big there.


From:   mr.sugarless@ns.sympatico.ca

Subject: assholes

i have a black girlfriend with thick beautiful smooth lips and she is
beautiful and a great kisser why do u dumb people hate blacks

Mr. Sugarless

Mr. Sugarless,
I'm not sure if you sent this to the correct address, but the black man
doesn't have a better friend on the www than Ol' BartCop.

The American Spectator, a right-wing Limba-wannabe magazine is asking,
"Just How Stupid is George Butch Jr.?"

Check it out:  http://www.spectator.org/

VCR Alert
(Update Below)

As you know, I have made the prediction many times
that Governor Blow Monkey will NOT be the GOP nominee.
Is tonight the night he implodes?

For the very first time, little Georgie Butch has agreed to come out
of his hiding place and engage his ditto-monkey peers in a debate.

Expect the others to gang up on him, especially Forbes.
Watch for McCain to be very presidential,

I wouldn't miss this for a lap dance from  Rachel Lee Cook.

Well, that's a lie, but it's going to be lots of fun.

Rumor is this "debate" is going to blow.
Each candidate will be given 12 minutes to rattle off the same,
lame bullshit he's had in his speeches for the last two years.
There will be no debate, no challenges, but there's still a chance
for GBM to lose his cool when Forbes pees on his leg.

The Marriage Penalty

The Republicans are such whiners.
As a married man, I'd like to avoid paying more taxes than I would
if I was single. All the GOP candidates, and probably their Democratic
counterparts, want to eliminate this penalty, but what do they do?

Instead of sending Clinton a Reversal of the Marriage Penalty bill,
they'll attach this important legislation to a multi-billion dollar tax break
for the super-rich and Archer-Daniels-Midland and Clinton will veto it.

There wouldn't be a marriage penalty on the books if
the GOP would play fair and send that bill to the White House.

A dude named Nick B in the UK has formed the
Rush Limba LNW chat room on Yahoo.


You may have to register first.
Let me know if it works.

Maybe we could meet there Tuesdays at 8 or something,
now that they've cancelled "The Strip" on UPN.

This trip out west went well.
There were some lows, and there were some highs.

We had a Jurassic Park moment, a legal battle, good news and bad news
concerning food and the really important things in life.

Trip Report 11/29  Version 1.1
(This report written on Premium Hemp paper.)

As you know, I'd been previously diagnosed with Vegas Fever.
Then, I got some e-mail saying the Garduno's chain was going
to open a new restaurant in Las Vegas that would sell every kind
of tequila that was approved for import into the United States.

I checked the Internet and found out Garduno's had restaurants
in several locations including Albuquerque and Santa Fe.

Albuquerque is on Route 66, the road to Vegas, and when Mrs. BartCop
said "Road Trip," things fell into place as if by Devine Intervention.

She wanted to try the Coyote Restaurant, which is owned by the same Bozo who
owns the Red Sage in Washington DC., and since it is located at the MGM Grand
Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas,  it seemed as tho God was speaking through her.

His will be done.

Did you see Clinton in Yugoslavia last week?

Clinton reads  bartcop.com

He told those people,
"You must not kill each other because you each read from different books."

That's a direct steal from Vol 156

That's OK, Bill.
It's yours, Buddy.
Take anything you want.

Anything I can do to help...

So we jumped in her new touring sedan and headed west from Knuckledrag.
We headed into New Mexico and saw cops everywhere.
Behind billboards, under bridges, even in Camaros.
This isn't the Land of Enchantment, it's the Land of Entrapment.

They were pulling over cars doing 80 in a 75 MPH zone.
That's bullshit.
I-40 in New Mexico is mostly flat, desert highway.
There's no reason to even have a speed limit in the desert.
Then I see a pickup with a bumper sticker that says,
"Save America - Hang a Liberal."

...and you people wonder why I carry a gun?

Also, I heard my first Navajo pop song.
It was called "Star Walker."
It was mostly a regular song you'd hear on your "hits" station,
but instead of a chorus, they did the Navajo chant.  It was cool!
I wished I could've gotten the camcorder on in time to play it for you.

First stop was Garduno's Restaurant in Albuquerque. It took a while
to find, because they don't have a goddamn sign outside the place.

Isn't that stupid?
That was my first warning.

We finally found the place and were seated at a booth.
I asked to see their tequila list and she told me they had their own
"house" tequila, Jose Cuervo and three others.

I asked about the hundreds of kinds of tequila and she said,
"That must be at one of our other restaurants."
It seems like the world exists for the sole purpose to deny me fine tequila.
I've had two broken femurs, I can handle a little rejection...

I didn't want to drink bad tequila, so I had a Corona, for $4.50.
Then the food came....

This was easily the worst-tasting Mexican food I've ever eaten.
I've eaten Mexican food in St. Louis, Little Rock, Dallas, Austin,
San Antonio, Houston, Albuquerque, Durango, Santa Fe, Denver,
Taos, Phoenix, Flagstaff, Las Vegas and Los Angeles, and I've
never tasted anything as bad as Garduno's Mexican Food.

Swear to Koresh, Patio TV Dinners have three times the flavor of
this horrid, lifeless dog food. When the waitress placed the plate down,
they usually say, "Watch out, it's hot," but not this time.
I said, "Geez, it's not hot or moist."

I took a bite and almost gagged.
It was really bad, bad tasting food, and...

Hey, Garduno's...

If you think my comments might cause you financial harm, sue me.
I'll subpoena that crap you call food and feed it to the jury.
I'm certain those who survive will see the case my way.

So we stopped at a McDonald's on the way back to the motel, where
I had some fine Chinaco Tequila waiting as a backup.
After all, we were on vacation.


If the Bible said water freezes at 42 degrees,
and science tells you that it freezes at 32 degrees,
which would you believe?

The next day we started the second half of our drive.
You wouldn't believe how many trains are moving these days.
Between Albuquerque and Kingman we must've seen fifty trains.
Sometimes we'd see two or three in a five minute period.
Bill Clinton - making the America economy sizzle!

Lo and behold, after crossing the Arizona border, we were attacked
by two velociraptors.


You web experts, blow these pictures up and check them out.
These are pictures I took myself with my camera.
They are not doctored in any way.

We got away mostly unscathed, but the green one caught our fender
with his tail and caused slight damage to our shields and moderate damage
on decks 18-22.   I bent the fender back and we limped into Las Vegas
looking for a place to stay.  By now it was Sunday night, a dead night in Vegas,
so every hotel in town wants to be your friend.

I wanted to stay at the Luxor and get one of those rooms on the northeast
corner of the pyramid. It's a great view and they have these big hot tubs that
sit right up in the picture window, instead of hiding back in the bathrooms.

This room is $99.
The girl is $400.

On the way into town, Mrs. BartCop spotted this billboard.

Mrs. BartCop said, "We'll be staying at the Rio," which was fine with me,
because the Rio has great food and great views of the strip.

So we pull into the Rio, check our luggage and valet the car and try to register.
I don't know why this always happens to me, but it happened again.
When it was my turn to register, I asked which rooms were available.
The lady behind the counter says to me,

"Sir, you'll need a credit card to stay here..."

Son of a bitch!!

Why does this always happen?
I look like an average American, no tattoos, no piercings, no reason
why anyone should assume I can't have a goddamn credit card.

So I pull out my ADM-backed rack o' credit cards and she gets nice.
From there on, everything at the Rio was a breeze.
I told her I wanted a nice suite with a view.

Photo Copyrighted by BartCop Pix@Inc.

From left to right:
The MGM Grand, then the Monte Carlo.
In front of the Monte Carlo, the arches you see are the back door to the Bellagio.
Behind the center of the Monte Carlo you see the Chrysler Building.
To the right of the Chrysler Building is the Empire State Building, so that must be
New York, New York, and the Excalibur is the giant white block.
The black pyramid is the Luxor, and that golden giant holding up
the south end of the strip is the fabulous Mandalay Bay.

This was from the 38th floor.
I really liked the 38th floor - until we heard the sirens.
Three times while we were there, fire engines pulled onto the property.

Trust me, at many of the finer hotels in Las Vegas, you get an excellent
view of the property to your left and to your right. If you stay at the Mirage,
you get a great view of their volcano and the Treasure Island hotel.
But if you stay at the Rio, you get a great view of the entire southern strip.

This room costs $80.
Isn't that wild?
Of course, the same room goes for $440 on Thursday, and, ...grab your ass,
it's $840 on Fridays and Saturdays.

Note to self:
Be sure to check out some dumps for Friday.

Great False Quotes

"Impeachment won't be a big factor in the next election.
 Voters have a short memory when it comes to impeachment."
  -- Trent Lott (R-Whispering nasty lies about John McCain)

That reminds me of a man who beats his wife.
"My wife has a short memory when it comes to her beatings.
 I'll just buy her some flowers and tell her I'm sorry."

You bastards were kept out of power for 50 years.
Then, when you finally get a majority, what did you do?

This peep-hole congress of perverts lowered the President's zipper
and reached in and fished around for Clinton's cock for six years.
I think that's disgusting, don't you?

You think voters will forget that?

Clinton accomplished more in his presidency than any president in my lifetime.
The Simian Collective accomplished nothing but the failed Clinton Cock Hunt.

The voters will remember...

So, we check in and Mrs. BartCop heads right for the restuarant guide.
She sees an ad for the Napa Italian Restaurant.
I like Italian, so we went for a walk to see what it was like.
(After Telluride, I wanted to avoid "Hot and sour tofu.")
The Napa had a menu posted outside.

Lemon Confit Studded Florida Grouper 53
Florida Yellow Tail Snapper 36
Monkfish 38
Oxtail Caneloni 45
Pastrami-style Squid  38
Black-Ink Noodle 60
Broiled Mahi Mahi  32
Fresh Eastern Scrod 52

Hey, Rio!
Don't forget, there might be some normalAmericans here, you know.

Where are the steaks?
Where's the damn spaghetti and meatballs?
Where's the normal Italian food?

Monkfish, Oxtail, Squid and Mahi Mahi?

We said, "Screw that," and went to find the Titanic exhibit.

The Titanic was pretty creepy.
Over 200 artifacts recovered from 2 1/2 miles beneath the ocean.
They had recreations of the grand staircase, a suite, a steerage room, etc.
There are several Titanic exhibits floating around, and this was a good one.
You want to see something cool?


A real-life relic from the bottom of the sea.
This is coal that was pulled from the engine room of the Titanic.
Eighteen bucks for a few small lumps of coal?
Sounds like Pot-luck Christmas With the Gingrich that Stole Christmas.
Mrs. BartCop really got off on owning a piece of the Titanic.
She was nice to me the rest of the day.

So, next day, we did this and that, then later, we set our sights on the Coyote Bar and Grill.
Yes, this was the alledged reason we came to Sin City.

The Coyote Bar and Grill.
We met up with our friend Carl from back in our college days.
Carl was the guy with whom I was thrown in a Mexican jail.
(That's a good story, remind me...)

We agreed we would party at this Coyote Bar and Grill, because they have the "best"
Mexican food and over 150 different kinds of tequila.  Since we'd be partying,
we took a cab like responsible people do when the casino's limo can't be found.

(The cab drivers in Las Vegas are all psychopaths.
 They are all Travis Bickle, every damn one.
 We took several cabs rides, and they were all psychos.
 They're so crusty.
 They made jaded Ol' BartCop seem like Mary Poppins.
 When I get out of a Vegas cab, I want to enlist in Up With People.)

Anyway, we get to the fabulous MGM Grand Hotel and Casino, which is either the
biggest hotel in the Milky Way or it's number two to that monster in Moscow.
We walked endless hallways looking for the Coyote Bar and Grill.
Now and then, we'd ask directions from the crusty cocktail waitresses.
Thank Koresh we were with a local, because those girls must date the cab drivers.

Finally we turn the corner and there was the fabulous Coyote Bar and Grill.

Fucking Closed.

Why is this fancy-ass bar and grill in the MGM closed on a Monday?
Siegfried and Roy work on Mondays, but the cooks and the waitresses at
Red Sageboy's uber-bar can't figure how to work 21 shifts in a week?

What kind of bullshit is this?
What does it take for me to get a goddamn drink in a Las Vegas casino?
We headed back to the Rio.

(By the way, the Coyote Bar has a website for "Comments."

Go to "What people are saying about the Coyote Bar and Grill."
      My comments went up the 30th.)

The Strip, from our room, at dusk.

We decided we were going to have some fine Mexican food.
One of the greatest restaurants in the country is the Rio's Bamboleo.
Koresh, help me.

We sat down and the waiter handed me a tequila list.
I tried to kiss him, but he pulled away.
They have lots of  tequila at the Bamboleo.

I asked Cubby to recommend some fine tequila.   Mrs. BartCop got such a kick
out of hearing Cubby pronounced the names of the different brands.

He recommended some tequila called, "Casta Weber Azul Anejo."
It was $13 a damn shot.
I told Cubby, "Make it so!"

Before the tequila arrived, they brought Salsa.
This wasn't some bullshit, cafeteria ketchup, either.
They had regular fine Salsa, fine hot Salsa and some bean sauce that was killer.
You know, if you screw up the chips, it doesn't matter how good the Salsa is.
The chips were just-made and they were perfect.

Then Cubby brought my tequila.
I swirled it in my glass like a fluffy-shirted French puta might.
I sniffed it, and smelled it and sipped a little.
It was very nice, which caused confusion.

We had to decide division titles before we could fight for the league title, right?
The only way to compare tequila is to "A-B" two or more brands, so I asked Cubby
what else was good.   He suggested Porfidio Anejo (Cts Btl) for $13 a shot.

Lots of people sent e-mail saying, "Porfidio Cactus Bottle is king,"
so I felt it was important, ...no, ....it was my duty to investigate.

The Porfidio was nice, but it stayed too long, just like your brother-in-law
when he promised he'd just stay "until he found a job."
No, I want my tequila to say, "Hi," and then get off the damn stage.

I also tried the Zeffarancho Reposado.
This is very good-tasting tequila, but it was a little woody.
I look down at the price, only $8 a shot?
Eight bucks a shot?
Can I drink tequila that cheap?
ha ha
Yes,  and I liked it better than the Porfidio, but not as well as the Casta Weber.

Then, Cubby's first mistake: Blue tequila.
He brought out something called Tarantula Blue.
I did a shot, but that was a mistake.
I could tell by the taste it was cheap.
This blue tequila has a butter-scotch flavoring added to it.
That goes against all the rules.

You don't fix the taste of the tequila, at least not at these goddamn prices.
If you want to Dubya around with the tequila, use Jose Cuervo.
Fine tequila doesn't need any fixing.


...the Casta Weber Azul won Round One, and let me say,
when I'm testing these fine tequilas, it's not about me.

I'm doing it for you, the reader.

Then Cubby brought the food.
Oh, Koresh hep me, he brought the food, and it was the best ever.

How good was the food at the Bamboleo?
...more flavor than no-filter Camels.
...more spectacular than Teri Hatcher's breasts.
...more tasty than Shania Twain in silver hot pants and silver, knee-high boots.
(Did you see her special?)

We must give the Bamboleo FIVE STARS for Best-Flavored Mexican Food.
It was a premier meal, and I could enter the bill as Exhibit "A."

The best part was, this was still early in the week.
We could come back for Round Two, and even Round Three if  necessary.

So, we finished up our tasting and our fine food and did some gambling.
People who gamble sober are crazy.
You don't go to Las Vegas to "beat the house."
You go to have a good damn time.

People that get back from Las Vegas and say, "I broke even" or "I won,"
are lying like they were up for the Republican House Speakership.

They don't build a billion-dollar Disneyland there every quarter
because "Arty from Chattannooga" knows how to beat the system.

GOP Truth

I see where the RNC has erected a billboard near Al Gore's Tennessee HQ.

It's a picture of Gore hugging Clinton after impeachment saying,

"One of our Greatest Presidents."

Is this a trick?
Why is the GOP using honesty in their ads?
Did they get a new leader?
Did Rush Limba die?
Why would they buy a billboard that says Bill Clinton is, "One of our Greatest Presidents?"

They can be verrrrrry trickey, these GOP types...

Wednesday was a day to remember.
We were going back to the Fabulous Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino to
visit the scene of my Vodkas Interruptus from earlier this year.
(Vol 142)

They say this is the greatest vodka bar in the United States.
It's called "Moscow Red Square" or something like that.
It's what they call an "Ice Bar," because a strip of ice runs longways
down the top of the bar. You place your shotglass of fine vodka on the top
of the bar, and the ice keeps it cold for sipping, get it?

Once again, we took a cab - hopefully, we'd need one.
Even with my I.Q. of 64, I learn from my mistakes, so I called ahead
and asked if they'd be open in 30 minutes. "Laney" said they would be.
I got her name in case I needed to add her to the witness list.

Another cab ride, another extra-crispy cab driver.
All he did is whine about how terrible tips were tonight.

Hey, Hackboy!
The lady at the Rio seemed to think I looked like a pauper,
so why you crying on my shoulder about a damn tip?

I pulled a trick on him.
I paid him 80 cents over the bill and "accidentally" gave him
my betting receipt from Monday night's football game.
He thought it might be a winner, so he snatched it and sped off with it.

ha ha

OK, so we finally get seated at the "Red Square Vodka bar," or whatever.
"Laney" walked over and asked what we'd like.
I asked to see the vodka list.   While scanning it,  I said,
"What's your best?  I want to try the finest vodka in the house. "

Laney looked me in the eye and said,
"The Grey Goose is our best, Sir."


Mrs. BartCop moved closer to me in the booth.
I asked Laney, "How many kinds of vodka do you have here at your Moscow Bar?"

"Over 250," Laney replied.

Mrs. BartCop's nails started working their way into my arm like that worm thing
that crawled into Chekov's ear in the movie with the Corinthian Leather guy...

"So, let me get this straight," I said with the patience of Harold Stassen.
"This is the Red Square Bar, and you have 250 different kinds of vodka."

"Yes," replied Laney.

I felt a nail break my skin.

"And the best vodka you have in the Moscow Bar is the French vodka Grey Goose,
and besides the Grey Goose, you have 249 other, cheaper, inferior brands of vodka?"

Before Laney could answer,  ...I felt a drop of blood hit my shoe.
That's a signal we have.

So I politely asked for three shots of vodka, which worked out great,
since Mrs. BartCop doesn't drink shots, I planned to drink hers.

To be fair, ...and what are we if not fair here at  bartcop.com?
They also had Belvedere and Chopin vodka, which are fine vodkas,
but the service at this fancy bar was terrible.

After we ordered, it took forever to get our drinks.
There was only about ten people there, but I've seen tobacco lawsuits settled
in less time than it took to get our drinks at the Red Square bar, or whatever it's called.
I finally got my drink of the world's best vodka, and it's what I have at home.

We had the one round and left.
Koresh, I had a liter back at the Rio, and the view from our room was
much prettier than staring at the headless statue of Lenin, so we punted.

We headed back to the room for a "nightcap."
Passing thru the lobby of the Rio, they had a live band.
The band was playing "Disco Inferno."

Right now, regular readers are thinking, "Liar, that can't be true," but it is.
(See Vol 121)

Yep, it was, "Burn, Baby, Burn" all over again.

Old Business

Our friendly United States government says Americans are going to spend
$187,000,000,000 this year on Christmas.

Last year we spent an amazing $174,000,000,000 on Christmas.
That means we're spending 13 BILLION dollars MORE this year than last year.

You know why?

It's because America has confidence in the President Clinton to stoke the
economy even more than he has, creating tremendous wealth for everyone.

Yes, what this country needs is a new direction.

We spent Thanksgiving at the Rio, that was a first.
I've never been to a never-ending Thanksgiving buffet before.

After we ate, I stopped by the Rio Sports Book to place a friendly wager.
Except when Barry Switzer was coaching them, I've always hated Dallas.
Dallas was playing Jimmy Johnson, who I hate much more than Dallas.
This posed a dilemma: Who should I bet on?

I decided to bet on the Dolphins.
I figured I would either see Dallas lose, which would be fun,
or I'd see Dallas win, which means Jimmy Johnson would be VERY entertaining
as he stomped around the sidelines screaming like a Limba at how he was getting
cheated by all the bad calls the officials were making.

Just my luck, Dallas killed them, and Jimmy Johnson behaved himself.
Marino had the worst game of his career, 5 interceptions and no points,
but Jimmy Johnson didn't lose his temper or even muss his hair.

Oh, by the way, and this is true - I heard it myself.
During the game, Pat Summerall said something intelligent.
I'm not kidding, I heard it myself.

I guess the only reason Pat is there is to compliment John Madden.
Madden will say something like,
"We're watching a great football player. He's fast, he's smart, and he has the
natural instincts to make the right decision when the game is on the line."

Then Summerall will say, "He sure is."

But, on Thursday November 25, 1999 at 12:36 Pacific time,
Pat Summerall said something that actually had some intelligence to it.

I heard it myself.

The Venetian

Mrs. BartCop said we couldn't leave town without checking out the newbies.
Paris and The Venetian had both opened since we were there last.

Paris was OK.
The employees all look like French cops, with their lil' white, round hats.
They all say, "Bon Jour, Monsiour" or however it's spelled.
They had their elevator ride to the top of their Eiffel Tower, which was OK.
It went almost as high as our room at the Rio.

So we took a surly-cab-ride to the Venetian.
I don't know who designed this place, but I wouldn't be surprised
if it was Richard Simmons or Jack Lalane.
It's like spending the day at Bally's.
The gym, not the casino.

They had some hokey gondola rides, which pretty much blew.
The "canal" must be 12 feet wide, and all the kids throw popcorn
at the old people taking the half-mile-an-hour gondola ride.
Please God, don't ever let me get that old...


...while walking,

...I saw it.

Taqueria Cononita

You know, I'm still a young man.
But as far as I'm concerned, Taqueria Cononita is Tequila Fort Knox.

I've used this phrase before, but what are the odds?

I'm in the Venetian Hotel and Casino, which takes you back to old Italy,
the beauty of Venice, and all the white people, and I turn around and find
the largest selection of fine tequilas in my young life?

They had so many crazy-shaped bottles of luxury tequila.
They had Herradura Ultra-Preservo Supremo that was $30 a shot.
They were running a "taste-testers" special.
You get four 1/3 ounce shots of  tequila for only nine dollars.

We did that twice.
Sadly, my hemp paper tablet was back at the room, so all the tequila "research"
I did went undocumented, but I do remember something about "Carrellejo."
It came in a 2" x 18" inch bottle.

Most of that day was a blur.  Finding Taqueria Cononita was like spending the weekend
at the Playboy mansion with a six-pack of Viagra - and I did NOT see any Jose Cuervo.

The moral of the story?
If you want fine, fine, fine tequila, go to Venice.

Our final day in Las Vegas was not wasted, even if we were.

We had to conduct the final round of research at the Bamboleo.
We knew the food was going to be fantastic, and we knew
we were in for a cornucopia of can't-drink-them-all tequilas.
We ordered one of everything on the menu, and Cubby was there
to refresh our drinks when necessary.

There were so many shots that I just sipped a taste of each one and
poured the rest into my margarita.  In three days, I had tasted maybe
twenty new kinds of tequila, and after all judging criteria was tabulated,
it got down to Casta Weber Azul and the reigning champ, my Chinaco.

I must admit, the Casta Weber is some fine tequila.
At $75 a bottle, you'd expect a fine, smooth-tasting tequila.
But it has a little more after-taste than the Chinaco, so like with my experience
at the Red Square Moscow Bar, I was reminded what Dorothy said:
"There's no place like home."
The final winner of the tequila playoffs was our old friend, Chinaco Anejo.

Why pay more than double for Casta Weber and get the aftertaste?

Our final supper at the Bamboleo was probably the best meal I've ever had.
Again, don't think it was because of the alcohol, but that didn't hurt.
I've never had a better-tasting dining experience in my life.
Each bite was world-class culinary perfection, then I got to chase it with
alternating sips of Casta Weber Anejo Azul and my old friend Chinaco Anejo.
Matter of fact, I thought I saw Betty Bowers but I wasn't sure.

We left Cubby a nice tip, grabbed my margarita with the dozen shots in it
and headed onto the casino floor to donate some money to my favorite charity.

Pigboy - Author

Rush has a new book coming out.


Thanks to XaThega

There's a lot that didn't make it into this report.

Maybe I'll do a "Things that were left out" feature soon,
but I had to get something posted to let you know the ditto-monkeys
had not been successful in their attempts to assassinate me.

When we got home, I had a mountain of mail.
I remember not too long ago, I hardly heard from anybody.

These days, I'm getting more feedback than Townsend at Leeds.

End of Report

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