Trapped Like a Rat
Tonight, I was "put in the bag" by an expert.
Here's what happened...
As you know, Mrs. BartCop had her car stolen in September.
Just this last week, she took possession of her new car.
It has a steel-encased cowl over the steering column.
It has the special GM chip-in-the-key that prevents non-key starts.
It has a very loud alarm system that goes off if you press
"Open Trunk," at the grocery store before you press "Unlock."
I also has the most sophisticated kill switch I've ever seen.
To start the engine, you have to turn the key to "Accessories,"
then tune the radio to a certain channel, then you have to press
a certain button while turning the key to the "Engage Motor" position.
I failed to tell the entire truth when I told you that her car was stolen.
Truth is, I left the keys in the car and ran in to get some Chinaco tequila.
That's how her car got stolen, and I haven't had any peace since that day.
But, now she has the exact car she wanted, the exact color
with the never-ever-get-stolen package, and it really doesn't matter that I had
to pay three thousand dollars more than the loan value of the damn car...
(Remember, I'm in the car business. I usually buy 3,000 under loan value.)
So Mrs. BartCop says, "At the very least, you owe me some Mexican food."
My guard was down, so I agreed without stipulating any parameters.
I said, "OK, Mexican food, anywhere you like."
She said, "I want to go to the Coyote Cafe."
"What? We were just at the Coyote Cafe last month in Santa Fe," I pleaded.
"I want to go to the other one," she insisted.
"I want to go to the Coyote Cafe at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas,
...and we're going tomorrow!"
I was trapped, forced into going to Las Vegas against my will.
But as always, it gets worse...
Usually, when I say, "and it gets worse," it only gets marginally worse,
but this time I hit the motherlode of worselessness.
What I'm about to tell you - you will not believe.
This couldn't possibly happen to anybody but Ol' BartCop.
There's no chance in a million that this could happen, yet it has.
Longtime readers might remember my trip to Washington DC.
Do you remember the horror of Volume 137?
After you refresh your memory of that terrible might, there's no way
you'll believe me if I tell you, so I'll copy-and-past it here.
You only have to check out the first 13 words.
This is my worst nightmare come true.
With the success of Coyote Cafe in Santa Fe and Red Sage
in Washington, D.C., Mark Miller entered the retail food market
with the Coyote Cocina line of Southwestern specialty products.
(...smelling salts under my nose...)
The good news is, they offer 150 different kinds of tequila.
The only thing that might save me is this sentence...
We would like to personally thank Robert Denton for importing
one of the most refined and smoothest tequilas made.
One of the Best.
But if I get the same waiter I had in Washington DC,
I'm going to have the Cubby Special, chopped and fileted.
That's BartCop on the horse.
bartcop.com will be dark for a week.
(That's fancy-Vegas talk for "closed.")
See you again Nov 28th.
Enjoyed the Catholic musings.
Here in Kansas City, they not only have "Two-fer" Tuesdays,
they also have no-repeat/no-repeat Thursdays.
The Kansas City BBQ King
Foreign Policy Blow Monkey
Governor Butch of Texas gave his first "major foreign policy address"
It was a whole lot of bullshit designed to sound like something important.
To start off, he had the audacity to have George Schultz introduce him.
Remember George Schultz?
He's the former Secretary of State who pounded his fist on the table
at that fateful Iran-Contra conspiracy meeting and declared,
"Dammit, Mr. President, giving weapons to terrorists is illegal!"
That's the meeting that George Herbert Traitor Butch swore under oath
he didn't attend, even tho Schultz and Weinburger say he did.
Then, GHT Butch pardoned them both to bury the truth before the trial.
I have a dish, so I caught some video not broadcast to everyone.
Just before introducing the Blow Monkey, George Schultz announced
they'd found a pair of solid-gold cufflinks with the initials "K.B."
Everbody racked their brains to determine who "K.B." was.
They finally figured out the cuff links belonged to Kneel Butch.
But, anyway, Governor Blow Monkey put me right to fucking sleep
He revealed amazing insights such as, "We need to keep our military strong."
That always gets the GOP to their feet, even if they're the majority party
who failed to provide the military with adequate money and weapons.
After saying something stupid like,
"We need to be tough with our enemies and fair with our friends,"
Butch would stand back and smile like he just threw the winning touchdown.
I think Robert Bork was right.
Dan Quayle is smarter than this alcoholic blow monkey.
Koresh, let's hope he stays in the wading pool of the foreign policy think tank.
He said it was important to "get tough on drug-exporting countries."
I was taking him seriously until he said he was for drug testing, and
"any drugs that need to be tested can be left at my mansion in Austin."
The highlight of the speech is when he revealed how me met his wife,
He said he met her in a locked-door drug rehab center in Scottdsale.
All this time he's been saying his wife was a "librarian?"
Turns out Pickles pushed the book cart from cell to cell in Scottsdale.
I'd call that a Fraudian slip.
To end the evening, Blow Monkey asked for the lights to be dimmed.
He gave the signal for the boys in the booth to show the graphic
of exactly why he swore off drinking alcohol forever.
I first mentioned this during the fascist-dog impeachment of our best president.
I don't know why Rush would even be in Israel,
Saudi Arabia or the United Arab Emirates.
Pork isn't on the menu in any of them.
Australians have a great sense of humor, though.
What I don't know about computers and statistics
you could fit into a pair of Rush's old pants.
I just got my first look at my "server logs."
These logs generate reports about who's reading bartcop.com
the time they read it, which days, which hours, which pages, etc.
It's way too early to draw any conclusions,
but several anomalies have occured, such as...
1. 70.78 % of the hits come from America.
I would've thought that figure to be higher.
2. bartcop.com is big in Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emerits,
Israel and Australia. Why would people in those countries
care that Rush Limba is a lying, Nazi whore?
3. Who/what is in Vienna, Virginia? That city hit bartcop.com
more often than New York, Chicago and Los Angeles combined.
Is Vienna near Washington DC?
Matter of fact, there are so many hits from Vienna, I think I
should assume some robot is accidentally stuck on bartcop.com
4. Volume 141 got the most hits, by far. (thru August)
5. Yahoo was tenth in referrals.
I would've thought they would've been ranked higher.
6. Somebody tell me what happened August 27th.
Again, it could be another stuck bot, but there were an
impossibly high number of hits that day. Any clues?
April 17th was another huge day, I wonder why?
So far, the bartcop.com techs only have decoded March
This log file was 230 meg in size.
We had to find a computer with 256 meg memory just to run it.
We'll know more soon, but if anyone has any clues about
Vienna, Virginia or August 27 and April 17, let me know
From: Mike K
Bush provided vital hints on his foreign policy platform Friday.
"A president must set priorities, and I'm going to set four
The goal is peace -- the priorities are going to be:
1. Our own neighborhood
2. Peace in the Middle East
4. The Far East
5. Russia and
...the GOP presidential front-runner said in the interview.
"The American people is supportive of me."
W. Bush, talking to CBS's Jane Clayson
"Please, God, let this man be elected president.
I don't really need the money,
but the laughs would be spectacular."
-- BartCop 11/19/99
More Mail Bag
Thanks for the stroke audio, I didn't get to hear
that in real time.
I'm writing this through tears so forgive any typos.
God that was great.
By the way, up here in Alaska? We do have
They just happen to be Russian Orthodox, not Roman Catholic
If I was on the "right path,"
I might end up in Russian Heaven.
Rush is right!
All you do on your whole page is call names and
cry an awful lot!
I went to your place at random...I was stunned that somebody has to
resort to such frivolous name-calling stunts. I was looking for reasonable
counterpoints but all I got was somebody so inarticulate that his only
method to counter attack the all-knowing Rush is to resort to this 4th
It's attitudes like yours that make me...
PROUD TO BE A DITTOHEAD!!!
(That's my REAL name! I'm not too embarrassed to use it!)
It's not your name you should be embarrassed about.
How did you manage to misspell your e-mail address?
Truly Evil People
The New York Post, also owned by Fox Network's Rupert Murdoch
listed the most evil people of the last one thousand years.
Here is the list of evil people and their crimes
1. Adolph Hitler
2. Bill Clinton blow jobs
3. Josef Stalin mass murder
4. Pol Pot mass murder,
5. Dr Mengele mass murder
(Not to be confused with Dr. Laura)
6. Hillary Clinton married a man who liked sex
7. Saddam Hussein mass murder
8. Adolf Eichmann mass murder
9. Charles Manson mass murder
That seems fair.
This, from the party of "compassionate conservatives?"
The GOP thinks they're going to win elections
while they're dumping this poison into the stream?
Gore couldn't lose this election if he tried...
How long has it been since you had a really powerful Eargasm?
Do you have your speakers turned on?
Here's a piece of Rush's Tuesday Stroke-a-Thon
Shut Up! Shut Up!
(With a 56K modem, this should take about two minutes to load.
This is the beginning of the end of Pigboy.
He is a very sick man.
You should hear this for historical reasons, if nothing else.)
True Catholic Funnies
Isn't it funny about Pat Buchanan?
Long before bartcop.com began to publish, Buchanan and the GOFP
were considered fascist dogs by most Americans. When Rush whines that
they were shut out of Congress for over 40 years, there's a good reason.
America was afraid to trust the fascist dogs with power.
Pat Buchanan was "Mr. Republican" for over 20 years.
For years, Buchanan effectively argued the GOFP line every night on Crossfire.
The minute he strayed from the worn-out conservative path, the GOP
turned on him and started whispering what a dirty, rotten Nazi he was.
Funny, he was their point man for decades, but now he's suddenly a Nazi?
Georgia Baptists Expel Churches
With Gay Members
Associated Press, November 17, 1999
MACON, Ga. (AP) -- Georgia Baptists have for the first time in their
177-year history expelled churches, taking the step against two congregations
for allowing homosexuals to worship Him inside their churches.
"Just because God determined that His children would be born with
homosexual gene, is no reason we should be forced to accept them,"
the Georgia Baptists said in a statement released to the Associated Press.
"God made a big mistake creating the homos," they declared.
"God screws up
from time to time. You'd have to be Catholic to think He's infallible."
They also said they would also expel any congregation that allowed those
"the negro gene," or "the foreigner gene, " to worship God.
When asked to clarify, the church refused, saying only,
"We cannot allow sinners and minorities in our church.
After all, we are not the Democratic Party."
No Doubt About it
Wednesday, the 17th, Rush will spend at least an hour railing.
He's going to rail against Jesse Jackson screaming,
"Jesse Jackson Go Home!"
There is No Racial Problem Here,
So Just Go Home, We Don't Want You Here!"
Listen to the show Wednesday. I'll bet he says that.
When he's done screaming at Jesse Jackson, think about this quote
by Molly Ivins, from waaaaaaay back in RL-LNW Volume 5.
I have a friend named Irwin Wingo
in Weatherford, Texas.
Irwin and some of the men meet every morning drink coffee and
discuss politics. One of them is a dittohead, a Rush Limbaugh fan.
He came in one day, plopped himself down, and said,
"I think Rush is right: Racism in
America is dead.
I don't know what the niggers will find to gripe about now."
This is 1999, folks.
And people like Rush are still clinging to the past.
Life in Knuckledrag
It is indeed truly awful to live with rednecks
here in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
It is likely to be the only place other than Texas where people who earn
$1400.00 a month will still support republican religious fanatics for the
offices of governor and the US senate.
Embarrassed you ask? Just what are Steve Largent's
and James Inhofe's
heads filled with anyway? Bartcop on the internet referred to our town
as "Knuckledrag", Oklahoma after our DJ's on Tulsa's number one station
filled him up with their ideas from the gutter.
Anti-labor, anti-education, anti-common sense seems
to rule here.
They should rename us the "Masochistic Economic Slaves State".
As for bigotry, I am married to a Moroccan I met in the Peace Corps.
I think the term "camel jockey" probably originated here in Tulsa.
Let's just say it's an art form here. My wife has been discrimated against
in stores, jobs, public places and just about every place imaginable.
This place is so festered that the only hope for it is if it gets lanced, and real soon.
As for me, I'm looking to leave as soon as possible. I can't even discuss
current events with anyone because I don't like sports, weather or religious topics.
People treat me like I am crazy if I wish to speak
about foreign affairs, astronomy,
labor issues, liberal ideology, etc. Yes, the word "provincial" originated here.
It is a robber baron's, slash and burn economy-type businessman's paradise.
I'm in hell.
June 18, 1999
It couldn't hurt to click here...
...but whatever you do, do not click HERE
The Crash of
As of this writing, the best evidence suggests religion killed
Experts theorize that the sane pilot left to use the bathroom.
Meanwhile, the insane religio-ditto-monkey turned off the autopilot
and killed the power to the goddamn engines and started a prayer.
When the pilot heard the engines die, he ran back into the cockpit
and the two struggled for control of the aircraft.
The cockpit voice recorder picked up the religio-ditto-monkey
reciting some Arabic prayer saying, "Allah, I am coming."
No matter how this mystery turns out, the problem is religion.
All those religio-ditto-monkeys in the Middle East are taught that
God "wants them" to strap on explosives and board a bus or a plane.
The deeply religious leaders of the Middle East teach (with the same
as any religious man in the United States) that if you murder some Israelis,
you will be welcomed in Heaven to sit at God's right hand.
That's insanity to me, and to many Americans, but to the crazed-bomber,
he's just following the fundamentals of his insane religion.
How totally absurd for "men of the cloth" to teach that God or Allah
wants you to murder a busload of innocent women and children.
This is what religion does to a sane mind.
How can anybody argue with that last paragraph?
Y'know, as a non-religious person, I always get tickled when I hear
a person from one religion ridicule the insanity of another religion.
Religion is nothing more than ghost stories with different flavors.
The answer is education.
The answer is science and logic.
Put down the Book of Hate your parents gave you.
You must not act the way you were brought up.
Tell your parents you love them, but you want a new path.
Tell your parents you want a path that does NOT demand that
you kill the guy who reads from a different book.
Please, put down your rabbit's foot and your holy ghosts
and join the independent thinking people in the 21st Century.
It's life and death.
There are 217 innocent souls in the Atlantic tonight that aren't coming
Well, 216 and one religio-ditto-monkey.
get up off your knees.
Moaning and Dead Air
From: Mark J. L
Subject: Rush, (the pod person) ...
What the hell's up with the person broadcasting in Rush's time period?
Even you will agree that the clown behind the mic isn't the Rush we've come
to know and, in your case, hate; and for most of the rest of us, come to find
mildly entertaining. This guy sounds like a lobotomy patient on Prozac.
All right, Bartcop, own up:
Where were you and your Glock about a month ago when Rush
sounded like he was having a stroke right on the air?
Did you perform a 9 mm lobotomy without a license to practice medicine?
Or were you more subtle?
Maybe you got to someone close to him and have been spiking his
diet Snapple with Jose Cuervo tequila.
Or, did you come up with an actual pod from Bodysnatchers?
Whatever the reason, its almost painful to listen to the stumbling insanity that he,
( whoever it is), is spewing.
I listened for a little while
today and didn't hear one cogent thought.
He actually said, " Come on, brain, come up with an analogy ...",
followed by moaning and dead air.
You better fix whatever it
is that you did or you'll have to rename
your page "Dr. Laura: Hairy BitchSlut from Beyond".
She'll be all that's left to poke fun at. Not that there's a lack of material there,
but Rush provided so much more.
Until next time,
Mark J. L
A Thinking Conservative, (
with a sense of humor).
What this man says is true. Today, a caller asked Rush, "Since
you claim you
never make mistakes, why do you keep saying "the fetus was 27 months old."
Rush started screaming.
"It wasn't a mistake, I just used the wrong word."
When the caller insisted that that was a mistake, Rush screamed
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
Yes, folks, it's true.
I've said this at least three times.
This is not a BartCop gag.
Pigboy has had a series of small strokes.
His memory is fading and his temper is very, very short.
Like me, I'll bet you know some stroke victims.
His symptoms are classic stroke symptoms.
-mixing up "he" and "she"
-using the wrong words and not realizing it,
-hair-trigger temper and, above all,
-gets VERY upset if someone suggests there's a small problem.
Pray for Marta.
Great Screaming Pigboy Quotes
"Jesse Jackson just needs to knock
it off and leave Decatur, Illinois.
This is all a put-on by Jesse Jackson!!
There is no racism in Decatur!!
My God, George Halas started
a football team there called the Decatur Staleys.
That team eventually turned into the Chicago Bears.
Decatur isn't some oddball place that you go to by accident.
There can't be racism in Decatur!!"
-- The Flaming, Nazi Gasbag November, 16
Cold-steel logic like that makes me want to join the Pig Army.
Drudge was, and will always be, a one-trick, "semen-stained" reporter.
Drudge never had anything but the lack of taste to print allegations that
"legitimate" reporters would never attach their names to.
If you had doubts about printing a rumor - sent it to Matt.
Like "Mikey" on the old cereal commercial, "Matt will print anything."
Now, we have this manufactured sham by Drudge and the Fox Whore Network.
(If you haven't heard, Drudge walked out on his TV show, maybe forever,
because Fox wouldn't let him show a fetus-hand reaching out of a vagina.)
Look at how everybody comes out of this "tragedy."
To the rank-and-file ditto-monkey, Drudge is a "hero" for trying to "save baby lives."
Fox gets to pretend they're not fascist whores by telling the even farther-right
Drudge that he can't go there, because they have to stay "in the mainstream."
In a Nazi pig's eye, maybe.
Drudge comes off like a hero, Fox appears reasonable and sane,
and they both land on the front page of USA Today.
Don't fall for it.
You watch - tonight, Insanity and Holmes, Hardball, the O'Reilly Whore
and others will "investigate" this "troubling incident," all the while having
"exclusive Fox coverage" because they, themselves set all this in motion.
Don't fall for this bullshit.
It's worse than the last skit on a Saturday Night Live.
Patsey Ramsey could come up with a better story than this.
Tonight on the Fox Whore Network
"Why the bad Democrats are always lying."
"Why the good Republicans always tell the truth."
This show is on at 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and midnight,
and will be repeated tomorrow and Wednesday.
The Fox Whore Network - Just the Facts, so You Can Decide
Monday, 11/15, I only heard a little of the Nazi Gasbag.
In just a few minutes, he said,
- Gore should've resigned when Clinton admitted
he lied about Monica.
By staying, Gore proved he was a man without character.
I must admit, Rush may have a point this time.
Remember, back in 1986, when Reagan went on live television and
admitted he sold weapons to terrorist-Iran, after swearing he didn't?
Remember how VP Butch and his entire cabinet resigned in disgust?
No, ...wait, ...that didn't happen.
According to Slimebaugh, that proves Butch and Reagan's cabinet
were not men of character, but then again, ...we knew that a decade ago.
Then, just a moment or two later, Rush was talking about Kenneth Starr.
He said, "Starr sent his report to congress under seal."
If Starr sent that referral to congress under seal,
how did Drudge post it on his web site before congress got it?
Gee, if we didn't know better, we might accidentally
come to the conclusion that Starr leaked it to Drudge.
Then, Pigboy said one of the stupidest things ever.
"Some day, years from now, Kenneth Starr will be very much respected."
What a stupid-ass, stupid-ass thing to say.
The Pigboy said that for two reasons.
1. It takes away any rebuttal such as, "Prove it, you lying bastard,"
"Would you like to bet that bullshit isn't true?"
In both cases, Rush "wins," because years from now could be 1,000 years.
2. The only reason you'd ever say, "Wait till next year"
is if you look like a really sorry bastard this year.
Besides, that's such an empty, useless statement.
I could say, "Years from now, they'll consider Scary Spice
twenty times more influential on popular music than the Beatles."
Sure, any idiot can say any idiotic thing he wants, and Rush does,
but if you're never called on it, what value does the statement hold?
None at all.
This is why Rush can't have guests, but then again, if I was his guest,
and I heard him say somethat that goddamn stupid,
I'd probably be laughing too hard to speak.
Finally, and this part isn't funny...
Rush's stroke continues to hamper him.
This isn't a gag. You know it's true if you've heard him the last 30-40 days.
All that stuff a few weeks ago about his "thick tongue" and, for once,
the slurring of speech instead of slurring blacks and gays, was a giveaway.
Rush may be a nasty, Nazi pig, but he's always been articulate, ...till
Now he has people sitting right next to him to correct his mistakes.
Like Reagan, he has people assigned to tell him when he's speaking crazy-talk.
I only heard him for maybe 15 minutes today, and besides the crap above,
he had several of these schematic-stroke-isms.
Talking about Governor Blow Monkey, he said,
"It doesn't matter if he knows the names of foreign leaders.
It doesn't matter who the capital of Moldavia is."
He meant, "doesn't matter who the president is," but he got the
These days, Rush can't go 60 seconds without talking like a stroke victim.
I know what you're saying.
"Oh, c'mon, BartCop. It was one little mistake. Everybody does that."
Maybe - maybe not.
I know the Rush of early 1999 didn't make mistakes like that.
He doesn't even catch himself - he doesn't even know he's making mistakes.
And he's doing it constantly.
His small mind is failing.
That's why, for the first time, you now hear his urine-colored microphone
picking up voices of those sitting next to him. These are the people who say,
"Rush, you said Bush was a liar, you meant Gore was a liar."
How many times this week will we hear Rush say,
"What? I said what? I didn't mean that, I meant to say x, y and z."
Face it, the Pigboy is losing his simple mind.
I'm not happy about that.
I won't even gloat over this series of strokes he's currently having.
I always wanted to kick his ass, verbally if not otherwise,
but it looks like if I ever get that chance, people will say,
"Oh, sure, BartCop, you big bully.
You beat up an old simpleton with a failing mind."
Buying a Stairway
(Warning, this is a long rant)
I saw something in USA Today that brought back old memories.
The Pope is now in the phone card business.
If Star Trek and the Sierra Club and the Dallas Cowboys
have phone cards, why can't the Pope?
I don't remember all the details, but for, say $10, you get 30 minutes
of calls and you get bonus points or whatever and ...you get a blessing.
Yes, if you have enough money, you can buy the Pope's blessing.
The Pope's blessing, remember that phrase.
The Pope's blessing.
That brought me back to the fourth grade.
I remember having an argument with the nuns when I was nine years old.
I was asking the nuns questions they couldn't answer.
Remember, these women had given their lives to the Catholic church
and some wise-ass nine-year old was asking unanswerable questions.
But let's talk about mathematics first, and then we'll get into the money.
This was all true in the early sixties, when I left the church.
I assume it's still true, because if there's one constant with Catholics,
it's that change is bad.
Let's say your grandmother is going to have a difficult eye operation.
What you did then, was talk to the priest before mass, and slip him 2 dollars.
For your two dollars, the priest would "dedicate" the mass to Grandma.
You see, ( and this might be particluarly incredible to non-Caths)
the Catholic church works on a point system.
It's so insane.
Wait, I need to back up.
The way the Church teaches it, if you die with mortal sin on your soul,
you're going to Hell for eternity. A mortal sin is like a felony.
So, even if you were as perfect as Mother Teresa for 90 years,
and then said, "Oh, goddamn, my plane is going to crash,"
you have an eternity of flames licking your unlucky ass because
you died with that half-second mortal sin on your soul.
Taking the Lord's name in vain is a mortal sin, and since there's no
to be cleansed by Holy Confession, the poor nun's 90 years of purity and
sacrifice were all for nothing because of her all-too-human slip at the end.
That's a nutty system.
On the other hand, if you were Adolph Hiler or Rush Limba,
and you had the good fortune to be dying near a priest, and you sincerely
were sorry for your sins, you get a clean slate and an eternity in Heaven.
So, Hitler and Rush go to Heaven, Mother Teresa goes to Hell,
all because the luck of the draw.
When I was nine, I knew that was bullshit.
If you get hit by a truck on your way TO confession,
you're spending all of eternity in Hell no matter what.
Even the Kennedy's money can't save you.
But, if you get hit by that truck coming OUT of confession,
your eternity is with the angels in the clouds.
It's the luck of the draw.
Excuse me, but that's a goofy-ass way to run a religion.
But, as always, it gets WORSE for the Church.
Ok, we've covered the mortal sin thing.
You either have some, or you don't.
It's the luck of the draw.
Now we must talk about venial sin.
Venial sin is like a misdemeanor, like lying about Monica.
Venial sins are covered by points.
Let's say you burn your finger and say, "Shit."
"Shit" is a curse word, but it's only a misdemeanor curse word.
For that venial sin, God, or the Committee of High Angels or somebody
assigns a numerical penalty to that sin. To erase this sin, you have to
accumulate points to make those small sins go away.
The dirty trick they use?
They never tell you what that sin's value was.
Like pro-boxing, the judge's scorecards are a closely-held secret.
So here's the deal, and try to follow this because it's important.
This is the foundation of Catholicism, and it's also the reason
why I left the church, or at least one of the many reasons:
If you say the Lord's Prayer, or as we called it, the "Our Father,"
you got 300 points credit against your venial sins.
Matter of fact, it works a lot like the slot machine cards in Vegas.
The more you play the slots, the more points you accumulate for prizes,
except in this case the prize is your burning or non-burning ass!
Now, we're back to that dirty trick.
Is saying, "shit" a 300-point "crime?"
Can you trade the Lord's Prayer for a "shit," even?
Or, is the "shit" a three thousand point "crime?"
That means you'd have to say ten Our Father's for every "shit."
But if they don't tell us, how will we know?
That's the trick.
We're supposed to be so scared and intimidated by their game,
that we'll never say, "shit" because hell, for all we know, the penalty for
a "shit," might be 30,000 points - we don't have any way to know!!
Here's where it gets even more goofy.
The Lord's Prayer is worth 300 points.
But they have what they call, and Swear to Koresh, I'm not kidding,
they have what they call "Ejaculations."
Ejaculations are, forgive me, a short spurt of a prayer.
"Jesus, Mary, Joseph" is an ejaculation.
Now, are you holding onto your seats?
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph" is worth 100 points.
What a deal!
Back when they still had me in their clutches, I did the math.
(I've always been good with numbers.)
It took over 30 seconds to say an Our Father, which yielded just 300 points.
But I could silently pray an ejaculation like "Jesus, Mary, Joseph"
in about one second. I could do sixty in a minute.
Think about the long-term consequences of saying the wrong prayers!
In the time it takes you to say "The Lord's Prayer" ten times,
which is, say, five minutes (ten times a half-minute)
you'd rack up a seemingly-impressive 3,000 points.
But nine-year old BartCop, playing the system in that same 5 minutes,
could rack up a very impressive 30,000 points. (100 points x 300 seconds)
So, two kids are praying, I'm earning the equivalent of 360,000 points
while the poor bastard with bad math is only getting 36,000 points an hour.
That proves the system is rigged to the smarter kids.
Does God not want the stupid kids in Heaven?
Why waste time on a 300 point prayer that takes 30 seconds?
But again, it could all be for naught, because it's possible a single,
could be 36,000,000,000 points, so all prayers are relatively worthless.
To those that don't know, when you die with venial sin on your soul,
you go to Purgatory to burn off those points, and I'm not talking about
the Purgatory in Colorado with the fancy ski lifts.
Just think, right now, all those poor-math Catholics are waiting in
perhaps reading bartcop.com as they wait, kicking themselves for not doing the math.
Anytime a nine year-old can poke a hole big enough to hold Dr Laura's ego in the
"grand scheme," it badly needs to be re-worked, which I've offered to do, free.
Please let me hear from you Catholics out there.
1. Is the point system still in place?
2. Am I right about doing the math?
You'd be crazy to say the looooooong pryaers,
when those ejaculations pay off so much more, right?
3. Has the Church made any effort to right these wrongs?
Ok, we've covered the point system, now let's talk money.
When Grandma is having that eye operation, you give the priest two bucks
(I'm sure inflation has taken that to twenty by now) and you get the points
from that mass dedication added to her total, not yours.
If you have money, in the old days if it was a really serious operation,
(or if you really loved Grandma,) you could slip the priest a FIVE
and get what they call a "High Mass."
(This is such a nutty system.)
If you give the priest a FIVE, he'd get out the fancier robes,
he'd get out the six, fat candles instead of the two skinny ones,
and he'd sing the Mass instead of speaking it, and the point values
for a High Mass shoot through the Sistine Chapel-style roof.
I forget the points for masses, but let's say a regular mass was 1,000
a High Mass might've been 5,000 points!!!!
Koresh, if you had money coming in from ADM, you could afford to
give the priest a C-note and REALLY buy some points for Grandma.
Now, just to complicate things even more....
If a regular priest does a regular mass, let's say that's 1,000 points.
At my parish in St Louis, we had a monsignor who said mass at 8:30.
A monsignor got you more points than a regular priest, say 1,500 points
for a monsignor to do a regular mass, and perhaps 7,000 points if
the monsignor does a High Mass.
Are you following all this?
I'm not making this up.
Don't worrry, we're getting close to the finish here...
Let's say you've given NO MONEY to the priest before mass.
(You should always give money during the mass because after all,
those paintings by Michaelangelo and Da Vinci in the Vatican Museum
have to be taken care of, so pony up some dough, understand?)
Let's say you give no money up front, and you give no money in mass.
You still get an unknown amount of points for just being at the mass.
And yes, you get MORE points for going to a mass said by a monsignor
than you would a regular priest. Similarly, if you live in a bigger city like
New York or Chicago, you can probably attend mass given by a
Cardinal or a Bishop, which is beaucoup points, trust me.
If you go to Chicago and slip a Cardinal a hundred dollar bill,
you get double points for the mass, double points because it's a High Mass
and you get mega-points because it's a Cardinal, not just a priest.
It's a little like the scoring in Scrabble.
So, it's about money, location, scoring and timing.
I slept late on Sundays, usually going to the 10 or 11 O'Clock mass.
This cost me, because the big points were at 8:30 when the
monsignor doled out his blessing at the end of every mass.
Similarly, you get more points from a monsignor's blessing than you
from a regular priest. You get more points from a Cardinal than a monsignor,
and, obviously, you get more points from a Papal blessing than a Cardinal,
which brings me back to those Pope phone cards they're selling.
Why are people allowed to buy their way into Heaven?
This is a nutty system that the Catholics use.
It's part Vegas-style gaming, which is appropriate since your entire
eternity depends on the luck of the draw, and it's part Don King-boxing rules
since you don't know the value of your sins until the fight's over.
I could go forever on the nutty, wacky Catholic Church.
George Carlin did it much better with his album, "Class Clown."
If you've ever heard that album, he goes over similar material,
but I didn't steal anything from him to write this.
Sadly, everything I've written is/was true.
Have the Catholics changed at all since I was in fourth grade?
So, if you're going to buy a phone card, buy it from the Pope.
You never know - the Catholics might turn out to be right,
and you'll get some possibly-valuable points this way.
As though Buchanan leaving made the GOP Nazi free.
This is one of the best cartoons ever.
Be sure to let it load fully.
Thanks to Mia for this great cartoon.
This gem was produced by XaThega@aol.com
Another Black Eye for Boxing
I just received tonight's script for the big fight.
The script says both fighters will go down early.
The script says Holyfield goes down in the second,
then Lennox goes down in the third or fourth.
The Holyfield camp is balking - they say Lewis should go down first.
It was still undecided when this script was sent to me.
In the eighth, Holyfield will headbutt Lewis, causing a gash.
The fight will continue for another two rounds, then it will be stopped
by the doctor and Holyfield will be declared the winner.
The place goes crazy, chairs, bottles, the whole bit.
Don King will be shot after the fight, but he will survive.
Don King was not shot last night.
For that, I apologize.
I posted a thread in their Forum, trying to get a fight started.
Dr. Laura Takes on a Fourteen Year Old Girl
Great Turncoat Quotes
"The questions posed last week were:
Does Bush know the world well enough to be president?
Does Gore know himself well enough to be president?"
-- George (Judas Maximus) Stephanopolous
ABC hired Bill Kristol to speak for the Republicans on "This Whore,"
and they hired this traitorous son-of-a-bitch to speak for the Democrats.
This piddly-ass prettyboy never passes up a chance to fuck a Democrat.
Koresh, I hate it when the GOP quotes Judas and uses that against us.
Remember, Judas was the first person to suggest Clinton's impeachment.
Compared to how I feel about traitors, I like Rush Limba.
>Well at least now I know who you are after stumbling
across your website.
>You have my pity, and I hope some day you can mature to the point that
>you can carry on an intelligent debate of the issues.
Dear Rater, Doyle,
I am sorry to hear that you have stumbled.
Please contact my lawyers, Arwee, Fuct, and Howe, for a settlement.
I appreciate your pity.
I, too, hope I can one day mature to the point where we could debate.
For years, I've been begging every conservative I can find to debate me.
Like yourself, they have reasons why they are unable to debate here and now.
They are often too busy, and will get back to me, later.
It's very frustrating that I cannot find someone to debate.
I'd like to do it live, in a chat room, for all to see, witness and record.
I started this search on Prodigy around 1990, and still, I cannot find
anyone willing to answer simple questions. Similiarly, I've been unable to
find anyone who can ask me questions that I'd have trouble answering.
Perhaps, as I mature, I will meet that debate challenger.
Mark Twain said, "Brevity is wit."
I saw a two-word movie review.
There's a whole glut of those uppitty, academy-friendly boring movies
including "Anna and the King" and "The Messenger - Joan of Arc."
Mike Clark reviewed "Joan of Arc" and he used these two words.
I wish I could write more good like that.
Veterans Day, 1999
This is Max Vasquez, paying his respects to fallen comrades
at the traveling replica of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Houston.
Y'know, I've been to Washington DC twice.
Both times, I couldn't bring myself to visit the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.
I don't think I could take the sight of seeing dozens of men overcome
with emotion after finding the name of an old friend on the wall.
Would you believe, I didn't know a single man who died in Vietnam?
I assume that's unusual.
As detached as I was from that war, I just couldn't go to that wall.
Maybe on my next trip, things'll be different.
I need to mention the bastards at USA Today.
On Veterans Day, they ran a front page story about how medals
are being given out to every soldier or sailor who shows up to work.
Maybe there's a "scandal" there, maybe not.
But why bring that up on Veterans Day?
Retired Colonel David Hackworth, who they say is the most decorated
soldier in history, said the medals they give out don't mean as much today
as they did when he got his medals.
Classy move, Dave.
Thanks for sticking with the men.
You'd think for just one day, we could show a little appreciation
for the people who risked everything to keep the country secure.
I'm going to let a small cat out of the bag here.
Until last week, I was in the loan business, we did mostly auto loans.
When an application hit my desk, if I saw service to our country on it,
I'd push a little harder to make that loan go through.
If it was a disabled vet, he'd get the damn car even if he didn't qualify.
On the other hand, if someone was behind on child support, which is
everybody's credit report now, probably thanks to Clinton, I might
approve the loan, but never for a Corvette, a Mustang or a Camaro.
If you owe your kids money, you'll be driving a used, brown, 4-door Tempo.
I know it's not my place to play God, but if not me, ...who?
So, whatever job you have, if you run into a veteran, give 'em a break.
They deserve it.
(One last thing...
I got a lot of mail about Rush in St Louis.
I have not written about Rush being the Grand Marshall of the Veteran's
Parade in St Louis, because I have too much respect for the men and women
in our armed forces. I choose not to use their sacrifices as a weapon to beat
on my political enemies. I wish everybody felt the same way)
Great Conservative Quotes
"I hate to tell you this, but I think Dan Quayle is far better
than George W. Bush in terms of intellect and ability. I mean it."
-- Judge Robert Bork (R-Bitter, Extreme, Extremely Bitter)
Great Smug Bastard Quotes
"The damage Microsoft can do pales in comparison to the damage
government can do trying to lasso the whippet of high-tech industry
with a lariat woven of laws from an era long before the perpetual
hurricane of creative destruction began howling through an industry
that may be subject to a series of highly perishable supremacies."
-- George Will, (R-Owns a Thesaurus)
I'll bet Pigboy, "Slappy" and Bob Dornan liked that sentence,
because it had the words lasso, lariat, whippet and howling,
...do you think the average, garden-variety ditto-monkey
has the slightest clue as to what you just said?
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How to Solve Problems Quickly
As I write this, Pigboy is whaling at Clinton for allowing the
to be so "terribly decimated" and "completely underfunded."
He's even quoting Senator Pissquik (R-Cro-Mag) saying shit like,
"We don't have enough personnel to get the job done, and not only that,
we're pretty much out of bombs, trucks and supplies."
(Remember when Senator Pissquik went on CNN and announced to Milosombitch
that we were running out of cruise missles and would be out any day?
On the local Knuckledrag radio with Michael Del Giorno, Pissquik said,
"As a member of the Senate Intelligence Committee, I can't tell you exactly how
many cruise missles we have left, but I can tell you it's less than a hundred!"
Good move, Pissquik!
I suppose your autobiography will be called, "Profiles in Patriotism?"
So, the military is undermanned and underfunded, right?
Hmmm, I wonder why Senator Cohen, a Republican,
would allow our military to become "dangerously underfunded?"
Wait, that's not right.
The Secretary of Defense doesn't set defense spending levels.
Hey, Pigboy, who controls spending?
I can't remember....
Damn A.D.D. and my I.Q. of 64 are betraying me again!
Wait, now I remember.
Rush told us Congress controls all the military spending.
Is that right?
And who controls congress?
Why, ...it's Rush's Lil' Toadies - The Republican Party!!!
That's what we need right now - a MATH question.
What are the odds, that Bill Clinton would have a bill sent to
by this Republican Ditto-Congress, that increases every soldier's pay,
and, say, out of 10,000 chances, what are the odds Clinton would consider
denying our armed forces a pay raise sent to him by this pack of wild dog-Republicans.
Folks, if you don't know the answer to this one,
allow me to introduce you to President Bill Clinton.
So, why haven't the Republicans sent Clinton any appropriations bills
that would allow our military to purchase supplies and beef up their payroll?
Seems like we always had enough bombs and trucks and payroll when
Tip O'Neill and Tom Foley were funding the military.
Also, our fighting men and women are making more money now
than they ever did under Reagan or Butch, why is that?
Is this one of those trickle-down economic deals where Reagan's military pay raise
needed fifteen years to cycle around to our soldier's hot little pockets?
I'll bet that's the answer.
You know, there's one way to solve this problem:
Vote Republican next year.
You heard me, vote Republican!
If we get a Republican in the White House, here's what will happen:
First, he'll raise taxes on the middle class to buy a shitload of submaries
that the Pentagon says they didn't ask for and certainly don't need.
(Submarines are built in Mississippi.
That's where Senator Lott whores for campaign contributions.)
Then we can buy a shitload of F-15E's that the Pentagon doesn't want
(F-15Es are built in Fort Worth.
That's where Senator Gramm whores for campaign contributions.)
The increased spending and inevitable cost-overruns cause a bigger deficit
which in turn triggers a small recession and inventories start to pile up.
Then, the GOP cuts taxes for the ultra-rich, scaring the hell out of
because it signals to them that Reagan's trickle down monster has pulled the stake
out of it's chest and is showing unhealthy signs of life, causing a full-blown selling panic
on Wall Street which wipes out most of the life-savings the grey-haired Americans
have counted on for their final years as a wave of uncertainty washes over America.
With the stock market dropping faster than Dr. Laura's panties, money
With inventories up, business gets caught in the squeeze which begins the inevitable
cycle of layoffs which slows the economy even further and creates a rising spiral of
bigger layoffs and bigger-every-month unemployment reports.
To survive, people will have no choice but to join the army and this
congress's minimum wage and food stamp program, thereby solving our
personnel problems for at least the next eight years.
It's so easy!
All you have to do is vote for the fellow with the alcohol and cocaine problems.
I don't know about you, but I'm bored with this whole peace
and prosperity era.
We need some good-old war and recession, so this nation can get back
some of that character we lost under that evil man, Bill Clinton.
Koresh knows if there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that
this country needs to go a different direction!
bartcop.com won't be very funny under President Gore.
It would require too much work, wildcatting that always-elusive Gore humor,
I don't know if I could continue my ministry here at bartcop.com.
But if the Blow Monkey gets in and starts appointing people like Dan
Bob Barr and Jim Pissquik to positions of power, we'll be pumping that
Saudi Sweet oil of comedy hilarity by the tankerload.
You're going to need a credit card to read bartcop.com
if the Cocaine Kid gets in the White House.
Remember, it's EASY!
bartcop.com is depending on you
Vote GOP in 2000!
You know what would be the very worst scenario?
You know what would screw up everything?
Gore wins by a nose.
Be sure to check Yesterday
on the opening page for last week's bartcop.com