Volume 256 - Thru With the Two-Step

 15 Rounds with Papax7
  and I haven't even found his e-mails yet

 Ediotr's Note: The previous e-mail attributed to Papax7 was my mistake.

 Someone sent Papa a hate-gram, and he sent me a copy with "Five Kids?"
 in the header and the body of the message required several "page downs"
 so I missed it the first time. I thought he was ducking the question.

 He has replied in full and with much wind.
 It's 5:30 CDT so I'll answer this from BartCop manor.

 Click  Here  to see Papa try to wear me down with endless minutia.

 The Oil Tanker 'Condeleeza Rice'

 Al Gore's family made it big through his father's connections
 to big oil magnate Armand Hammer of Occidental Petroleum.

 Still, Gore never had an oil tanker named after him.

 That's an honor reserved for Smirk's token negress, Condoleeza Rice.
 Yes, it's true that Chevron has named one of its big tankers after her.

 Rice serves on the board of Chevron.

 Isn't there anyone on Smirk's team that's not Big Oil?

 Impeachment Managers to Fete Starr, Raise Funds

 Most Republicans don't talk about impeachment anymore,
 but the House managers are still using it to bring in the bucks:
 Their  PAC is hosting "A Tribute to Judge Kenneth W. Starr"
 on Oct. 4 at the Washington Hilton.

 "Our tribute to Judge Starr is one way to remind the American people
  that there are honorable men who place duty before principles in the face
  of overwhelming opposition," reads the invite to the $100-a-person dinner.

 House Managers PAC director Greg Roney said he hoped the event would
 "raise awareness and even funds" for the committee, which has brought in
 $60,000 to $70,000 since its inception last March.

 Roney said that Starr "didn't seek the job" of independent counsel.
 "We feel he was unfairly treated and we want to honor him in every way we can."

 Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee spokesman Erik Smith called
 the event "a breathtaking example of bad political judgment."

 From: johnsuhr@my-freenet.com

 Subject: Whats Up?

 What are you going to do when your party takes all your money
 because they feel they can spend it more wisely then you?

 You start out with a negative pregnant.
 Maybe good first impressions aren't your forte.

 I'm sure your would not mind as long as they provide a job,
 car, house, food, healthcare, prescriptions, etc. for you and your  family.


 Next, you and your family will line up with all your other liberal friends
 to get your number tattooed on your head so you can  feed from the
 governments tit, provided by your wolf in sheep's clothing,
 caring feel your pain, government dictator/saton.

 I can tell you're using English, because I can spot some familiar words,
 but I can't figure out what you're trying to say.

 I know, you will have a hard time saying NO!
 because you have lost all your authority, money and guns.


 Some e-mail that was forwarded to me...

 (Trebor) wrote:

 Take it from me - Bush is definitely drinking.  The idea that he stopped on his
 40th birthday was just a story he had to make up when he decided to go into politics.
 Anybody who's ever been around an alcoholic knows the signs:  His mangled speech,
 his general lack of seriousness, the fact that he can only do one or two events a day,
 and even then he's usually unprepared.  Just a couple days ago, while Gore was still
 rising in the polls, Bush had to take another entire day off after he'd just had a week off
 during the Democratic convention.  What was that all about?  Then the very next day he
 delivers another one of his incoherant speeches that sounded more like a Foster Brooks
 routine than a political speech.  The guy is definitely on another toot.
 The pressure has simply gotten to him.


 Lars says, "Let's cuff the bastard."

 Click  Here

 From: JennyQ1@aol.com

 Dittospanks argue that Gore's loyalty to Clinton during the impeachment
 insanity, when Gore said Clinton would be regarded by historians as one of
 the greatest presidents, should be used against him.

 Does that mean when the Bush boy said Thomas Jefferson, slave owner AND
 slave rapist, was one of the greatest presidents, we should hold it against him?

 If you're logically consistent it does. If you're a Dittospank, logic and
 consistency aren't a factor in your evaluations.

 Good point.
 Had Gore failed to stand by his president, and still gotten himself nominated,
 I would go door-to-door working for that idiot Smirk.

 Cheney Says Smirk Didn't Tell Truth

 Click  Here

 I see where Mr. Perfect,  Mr., has won another golf tournament.

 How long before he destroys golf?

 Think about college football. Let's say Nebraska beats every team 70-6.
 When the loser teams play each other, it's a real game, like 28-24,
 but Nebraska is always a 60-point winner, even playing Florida State.

 Who, besides Lincolnites, would want to watch a Nebraska game?

 Mr. Perfect is ruining golf.

 One other thing...

 Venus Williams is now the best female tennis player in the world.
 And you know what?

 She's black!

 The best golfer and the best lady tennis player in the world are black!
 It's getting to where a Republican can't even go to the club without running into "one of them."

 Great Tennis Quotes

 "With all the excitement surrounding Grand Slam-winning sisters Venus and
  Serena Williams, the men may eventually have to sue for equal pay.''
     -- John McEnroe in The New Yorker

 There's a new Miss Teen USA, Jillian Parry.
 Cute enough, but is she a ditto-monkey?

 From: pajessb@msn.com

 Subject: Please, Joe, please...

 ...Please lay off this "there must be a role for faith in America's public life" crap.
 It offends me just as much when it comes from Al's running mate
 as it does from fundementalist KKKristians.

 Your comments, sir!


 I don't care to hear which set of superstitious nonsense runs his life,
 but freedom of religion is a foundation block of BartCopism.

 Yeah, he should stick to the real world, but he's telling voters what he's about
 so in a fair-and-honest way he's got my OK to talk about it.

 Speaking of the Devil,

 I read where some schools had their first football game this weekend,
 and some risked a lawsuit to pray over the PA.

 I think this shows a healthy America.

 When the school district loses that suit, their property taxes will go up
 to pay the damages, and that's what those people want, right?
 If some judge decides the school district must pay $25,000 every time
 they break the law, then I say break away.

 I also read that some people did it (I believe) legally by meeting at
 the flagpole before the game to pray. I will fight (but not die for)
 their right to VOLUNTARY prayer. As long as the school bus doesn't
 leave early so the crazy kids can pray, it's OK with me.

 Since it's impossible to prevent prayer (and why would we try?) I don't
 see any problem with praying at the flag. If there's a rule or statute that
 attempts to prohibit this, contact me and I'll help, but stay off the school
 public address system unless you want to write the ACLU a big-ass check..

 I just heard a Pigboy caller tell Tony Snow that
 Clinton would've hit on Chelsea if Hillary hadn't done it first.

 Tony laughed, let the guy go on for a while, then eventually cut him off.
 You see how Pigboy's incest fantasies have sprouted?

 Gore couldn't lose this if he did the rest of the campaign without fucking pants.

 Nixon on Hard Drugs

 Late US President Richard Nixon was under the influence of mood-altering drugs
 without prescription for at least part of his term in office, according to revelations
 published in a new biography.

 So bad was the problem, the book says, that at the height of the Vietnam War
 the then Secretary of Defense, James Schlesinger, ordered military commanders
 not to react to orders from the White House, unless they were cleared with him
 or the secretary of state.

 Full  Story

 So, Schlesinger was actually president?
 (Koresh, I fainted when I read that line.)

 The president of the United States wasn't actually president?
 Gee, if this story had involved Clinton's cock, it'd be BIG!

 Please, Smirk!

 Work hard, to get elected, so you can relax the air quality standards
 so all of America can be coughing like those poor Texas children.

 Please, Smirk!


  I heard from my buddy Papax7 about his woodshed experience.

 He wrote me a hot note saying he had SEVEN kids, not five.

 Sure, I do some editing when I post e-mail, as those of you who've
 been published know. Sometimes people take 150 words to say,
 "I like Gore and hate Smirk."

 In Papa's case, the line read, "I have seven kids, five in school."
 I changed that to "I have five kids in school," so I'm a bad man.

 Funny, he had no comment on my charge that he puts Rush first, and,
 if there's any room left over, Jesus Christ wiggles in there somewhere.

 Did he have a comment on that?

 You can always tell when you have 'em in a box.
 Their only way out is to ignore the question.

 So let me say this one more time:
 If I was a religious person, my God would come before my Chinaco,
 before Jimmy Page, before Bill Clinton, before my girlie-picture downloading,
 before Chris Rock or Dennis Miller, before any damn thing on this planet,
 (I'm not sure about family. I know people who broke off their engagement
  because they were afraid they were starting to love the other person more
  than Jesus Christ, which seems triple-absurd to a non-believer)
 but anyway, if I was a religious person, I'd have no trouble at all saying
 Rush is a snotty, slimeball son-of-a-bitch, but religious people can't?

 What kind of man is Rush that he can make Christians remain silent
 when called to defend their God by an agnostic?

 From: (withheld)

 Do the Math

 Smirk is 54.
 He says he hasn't had a drink since he turned 40.
 He turned 40 on July 9, 1986.
 Why is he drunk in a tape that is "said to have been made during the early 1990s."?

 Will Bush's story change from "Haven't touched a drop since my fortieth birthday," to
 "Occasionally had a glass of wine at religious events," to
 "Only got smashed at special events like weddings, ZZ Top concerts and executions," to
 "Get off my fucking back, I'll drink when I want to."

 ha ha

 Is Pickles an enabler who allowed W. to lie to us, or did W. deceive his own wife?
 Will ditto-monkeys still trust W. even though he's lying about his drinkin?

 Good point.
 If he's been lying to Pickles, he'll lie to us, right?
 We know there's tons of shit like this out there, waiting to surface.
 I thought they'd release this stuff convention week, but nooooo.

 I can't wait to see this tape!

 Hi friends,

 Many of you may know that Julie Hiatt Steele and I have
 become close friends.  I am in a position to know that due
 to the outrageous destruction & invasion of her life by Ken
 Starr, she has yet to recover by finding a job or other means
 of supporting herself and her child.  To be blunt, the shit is
 about to hit the proverbial fan this week and she is quite
 frantic trying to decide what to do about her situation.

 So, I'm asking you please to see what you can do to send
 her some financial help.  She has no idea I am sending out
 a plea for help on her behalf.  If I didn't know how bad things
 are for her and what she faces I wouldn't be asking either.

 Please think long and hard about this and what her stand
 against the radical right means to us as a nation and in the
 name of decency.  She took the honest road and faces the
 loss of her home and everything else this week.  She might
 have caved in and let them indict Clinton on a lie, or done
 something else to take the easy way and save herself all this
 trouble and financial disaster, but she chose to do what made
 the difference in us having Clinton another two years because
 it was right.

 Now, do we want the message to be that we must face ruin
 by doing the correct and decent thing?  Because if she does
 go down that is the reality of what her stand means.  We as a
 party have not the money of the GOP to support and reward
 those who stand up for the rights of all.  That does not take us
 off the hook to help support those of us under fire on the front lines of the
 political wars.  We simply MUST help her, even with
 just $5.00, but it can add up if we all pitch in together.  So just
 please think of her and her child and what she is going through
 without telling us of her troubles.  If I didn't know enough about things I
 couldn't even know to ask for help for her.  She's very proud and embarrassed
 at pleas for help on her behalf.  Think how easily it could have been one of us
 in her shoes and try to send her something.

 Thank you from the bottom of my heart for anything you feel able to do
 to help her today.  God bless and keep you all in His care.

 Linda Starr

 Her address:
 Julie Hiatt Steele
 10701 Arsenal Drive
 Midlothian, Va 23113

 Dick Cheney's last job gave him a $40,000,000 bonus.
 Smirk's oil buddies made him rich without ever striking oil.

 Together, these two multi-millionaires are taking a 90% cut in pay.

 I wonder to whom they will be loyal?
 Big Oil or the lowly taxpayer?

 Mike at  dee@tiki.net  sent me this MP3 of Pigboy having a stroke.

 Click  Here

 ha ha

 Send more like this!

 Las Vegas Update

 Vegas Makes Gore a 9-5 Favorite

 Koresh, that seems low.
 Maybe there's a video of Gore dancing naked on a bar somewhere...

 ha ha

 Gore couldn't lose this if he tried.

 From: Brainsmasher

 Subject: Homo Erectus

 Santa, a semi-ardent admirer of yours, sent me a note saying some of his
 posts in the guestbook are being deleted and he wanted to know if I was
 afraid of the truth.

 I replied I had nothing to do with it but I would ask you about it today in
 our "staff" meeting. I'm sure he's just fucking it up, but he is a "customer"
 and I since it was Sunday, I wanted to be nice to one insectia. So, do you
 care to comment about this scurrilous attack on Santa's freedom of expression

 Hope you are having a great time in the New Millennium.


 I guess this will have to be a faith thing,
 but I've never deleleted anything from the guest book.
 I don't know if that would be a high-tech thing or not,
 but I was real proud that I was able to copy & paste
 the code to create the damn thing.
 Koresh's truth be known, I don't even read it.

 If something happens there, like a debate challenge,
 someone do me a favor and send me some e-mail about it.

 Maybe Santa has some reality issues he needs to deal with...

The former Skirtboy, Shane, whose Chinaco I drank this weekend,

sent this cartoon of the Govnor.


Karl Rove: The meeting's adjourned. Oh, I'm sorry, Sir. You say that.

Govnor: Say what?

Karl Rove: The meeting's adjourned.

Govnor: It is?

Karl Rove: No, Govnor, you say that.

Govnor: Say what?

Karl Rove: The meeting's adjourned.

Govnor: It is?

Karl Rove: No, goddammit,you say that.

Govnor: Say what?

Karl Rove: The meeting's adjourned.

Govnor: It is?

 ...ad infinitum.

 Sex in the City Update (see below)

 From: Hudly55@aol.com


 My wife is a big fan of the show and I watch it and enjoy too.
 ALL of the four female characters are single.
 In tonights episode Charlotte got married to a guy that can't get it up (He was rich).

 So the HO Dr. Laura is wrong again.


 When Smirk is feeling down, because he's going to lose this race,
 how does he keep himself occupied?

 Click  Here

 From: sniper@cei.net

 Subject: Cheney and AWOL remark

 I read in the paper that Cheney used the AWOL remark and then admitted
 that he didn't know exactly what AWOL meant. So, I asked a 51 year old black
 female with no family members in the military what AWOL stood for.

 She said she wasn't sure but thought it stood for "Absent With Out Leave"

 Looks to me like she has a shot at being in Bush's Administration advising
 on Military Matters.

 ha ha

 From: harlene@kopp.com

 Subject: Thank you Mike Malloy!

 Dear BartCop,

 I'm so glad I found you! You make my day!
 I'm sorry Mike isn't on the air any more. That great liberal (ha ha) radio station WLS
 in Chicago dumped him , but kept the local morning morons, Rush, and Dr.Laura.
 How's that for a daily lineup?

 Thank goodness I got a computer two months ago!
 Now I've got you and I'm hooked!

 I may be simply a 68 year old , white haired, ultra-liberal old dame, but
 I've got a big brain. Why, I may even go looking for a bottle of Chinaco.

 Sounds great, and the only way I've had tequila up to now is Cuervo in a Margerita.
 We're never too old to learn!

 Wish I could tell some of those fuddy-duddy Republicans exactly that.

 Your new fan,

 Dancin' and smirking' the night away.

 Click  Here

 Ladies and Gentlemen, let's have a round of applause for Don Arbow!

 Smirk - Felon?

 Bush Camp Split on When To Go Negative
       Richard L. Berke of the New York Whore Times

 Full  Story

 WASHINGTON, Aug. 24 -- The cancellation of a GOP TV ad attacking
 Al Gore's trustworthiness has exposed tensions within the Bush campaign
 over whether to go negative against the vice president now.

 Gov. George W. Bush of Texas said this morning that he had stepped in
 to block the advertisement. But despite his insistence that voters....

 Wait a minute!

 Smirk ...stepped in?

Excuse me, I'm not an expert, but wasn't this SOFT money?
 Isn't SOFT money, by law, independent from the candidate?

 By what authority did Smirk shut down an independent ad?
 Should we have someone take a look at this?

 I think Harold Ickes might like a crack at it, so to speak.
 Let's give Ickes unrestrained subpeona power and unrestrained money with
 an inexhaustable army of FBI agents and see what crimes Smirk "may have
 been involved with" or "may have known who was involved."

 Looks to me like Smirk just admitted, in the New York Whore Times,
 that he, personally, is controlling this soft money - and that's a felony!!

 Look at the words Smirk used:  "Smirk said he stepped in."

 That sure looks like a public confession from an idiot.
 Can we get some charges filed on this felon?
 After all, this is about the rule of law.

 Of course, you know I'm just kidding
 when I say we should investigate Smirk.
 Smirk controlling, channelling and funnelling hundreds of millions of dollars
 worth of soft money isn't as threatening to the Constitution as Clinton's cock.

 If you hurry right over to Drudge's page, you can thrill yourself reading
 the fantastic story of the man who tried to cut off his own testicles.

 Really, Matt?

 Koresh help us all...

 I didn't read the story,
 and I'm not going to link you to it,
 but if that's your idea of "gotta-have" news,
 hurry over to the page of Rush's best friend Drudge
 and read this fantasticly entertaining story

 From:  WilliamL15@prodigy.net

 Subject:  Jobs well done

 If I was an employer named USA and I hired a worker who quadrupled my
 company's deficit and led my company into red ink, and then I hired a worker who
 greatly increased my company's profits and turned around the red ink into black ink,
 who do you think I'd keep on as an employee?


 The GOP says it's best to vote for whichever guy is making the most promises
 to "restore dignity" to the company his daddy got fired from.

 Friday on the LA She-Thing's hate radio show, she was talking about the
 HBO program "Sex in the City," and Laura the Martyr had a story to tell.

 She started (as always) with a false personal attack against the women
 who star in that show. She said it was an awful show, "where the women,
 who are all married, try to see who can bed the most men that week."

 I don't watch that show, but I'm pretty sure all four of the main characters aren't married.
 The writers would be idiots to have four married women.  I'd be surprised if even half
 were married. It's my best guess they have either one married woman or none out of the four,
 but if Laura the Unloved can tear them down when they have no chance to reply, her sheep
 might think she's above them on her lil' paid-for morality scale.

 It's possible she said the women were married in real life,
 but what the hell difference would that make?
 It's immoral to be married and play a single hussy on TV?
 Is it wrong to play a bad character in the movies or theater?

 If so, who will play Herod in the Baby Jesus Story?
 Who will play Judas Maximus in the Greatest Story Ever Told?

 Well, OK, George Stephanopolis might do...

 Who would play Ken Starr in the Bill Clinton Story?

 No, I think the "doctor" was making shit up again.

 ...and why was she talking about "Sex in the City" in the first place?

 She said years ago, when they were first starting out,
 the producers tried to advertise on her hate show,
 and the evil Nazi doktor told them, "Nein!"

 Now, consider this, from the last issue:

 RadioShack and Motel 6 join the list of Laura advertising dropouts:
 Procter & Gamble,
 Red Lobster,
 Gateway Computers,
 EchoStar/Dish Network,
 Geico Insurance,
 the Ohio State Lottery,
 United Airlines,
 American Express,
 Amica Insurance and TCF Bank,

 How long before that money-grubbing, gotta-have-every-nickle whore
 calls them back and says, "Bygones?"

 From:  kww@snip.net

 Subject: Smirk v. Quayle

 If my choices for president were Quayle and Shrub,
 I would have to write in Chippy the Chimp!!!

 ha ha

 BTW - There must be a "town hall" debate so America can see Big Al (6'2")
 standing next to Shrub (5'9") on the same stage.
 The taller guy has always won since the dawn of the TV age.

 Best Regards,

 Kevin in (Gore now leading) NJ

 Home Video Puts  Smirk On Edge

 Video footage of Republican presidential hopeful George W. Bush talking to
 a camera during a wedding, appearing sarcastic, obnoxious and drunker 'n shit,
 has become a top-level concern inside Smirk's inner-circle, says the DRUDGE WHORE.

 Bush intimates fear the tape, said to have been made during the early 1990s,
 may surface soon after the Labor Day holiday.

 "No respectable media outlet will have anything to do with this trash," predicted a top
 campaign source.

 ha ha

 Are you kidding me?
 Did America reject capitalism and whorism last night while I was asleep?

 Lisa Myers would sex a bull on Smirk's ranch for that tape.
 Backdoor Bettina Gregory would stab her mother for a copy.
 Wolf the Whore would hold a gun to his own goddamn head for that story.

 ha ha

 "No respectable media outlet?"

 What year does he think this is?


 From:  JennyQ1@aol.com

 Subject:  The Fun New Game!!!

 BartCop wrote:
 > I accused the GOP, truthfully, of wanting to slash school lunches.
 > That's the truth, that's what they tried to do, that's what they wanted,
 > that was the plan until Clinton and the Democrats stopped them.

 OH!! I see.   UMMIE TRY!!   UMMIE TRY!!

 ha ha
 She's doing her Smirk Impression!

 K...how about this..
 The GOFP and the Bush boy now run around saying the
 "Congress secured health insurance for 2 million children of the working poor".

 But I remember when the issue came up, The Best President Until Gore
 had to FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL to get them to agree to providing health care
 to this group of children.  Clinton had to threaten a SECOND government
 shutdown until the GOFP finally caved in submission.

 So..let's see..The GOFP WANTED to deprive 2 million low income children
 of health care but Clinton/Gore FORCED them to go along with their program
 to cover these children.  So they DID!

 Did I do it good, Bartcop?  Did I??
 That was fun!!!

 You must have a degree in verbology.

 I can die now,
  ...knowing there are others who can carry on.

 What do you get when you cross
 a world-class writer with life & death?

 You get Molly Ivins.

 Click  Here

 From:  edofarrell@worldnet.att.net

 Subject:    Bad Advice From CATO

 CATO advised the GOP to cut the school lunch program, not to save money,
 but because school lunches are an abuse of Federal Power.

 Has CATO ever argued against programs like giving McDonald's money
 to market itself in Eastern Europe?  Or Federal tax breaks for business lunches?

 Corporate lunches are good, school lunches are bad.
 God it is hard tobe a Republican these days.


 ha ha

 I was startled Sunday after noon.
 Since we've had football the last three weekends, I looked for a game.
 Imagine my shock when I accidentally found a golf tournament and (choke)
 there was a white guy on the screen, and I'm not kidding I saw it myself!!!!

 Wondering what the hell was going on, I flipped around some more and yep,
 as soon as I hit CBS it was all Tiger all the time.

 I've got a interesting article somewhere telling the plight of the other golfers.
 Their endorsement deals are failing to renew because, after all, their logos won't
 be on TV anymore because their faces never appear on TV anymore.

 The average tour golfer makes between $250,000 and $3,000,000 each year
 from corporate sponsor deals, but that was before Mr. Perfect came to town.

 This story gave specific examples of some other golfer shooting out of a sand trap
 to tie for the lead, but they cut away because Tiger was waving to the crowd.
 Another guy, on a six-hole birdie-eagle run, loses the camera because
 Mr. Perfect stopped to tie his shoe.

 Another time a golfer was in mid-swing and they cut away to watch
 Tiger tally up his scorecard or whatever they call that at the end.

 By the way, I wouldn't watch golf if you paid me.
 If, in the future, I pass golf along on the road of life,
 and it was dying of thirst, I wouldn't stop to help it,
 I'd leave it for the vultures to do as they wished with golf...

 Having said that, I never did find a pro football game,
 saw Socal kick the crap out of Penn  State for a while,
 but then I turned back to that other channel that had the white golfer
 on the screen when I was flipping, and I watched it for a while.

 Did you hear Sargeant Cyst last Friday, talking about "precious oil?"

 "Whether you like it or not,
  oil is the capital that makes America move."

 Butt, Rush, butt Rush!
 If oil is so goddamn precious,
 if oil is so goddamn important to America,
 if oil is worth young men dying to keep it flowing at cheap, cheap prices,
 then why did President Bush give Saddam the green light to invade Kuwait?

 Remember the April Glaspie memo, Rush?

 Saddam's already showed us his copy, the one sent to him by Ambassador Glaspie
 telling Saddam, "We would not interfere with your affairs," if he invaded Kuwait.

 Why did Butch the Bungler send that memo, Rush?
 Why would you "forget" to mention that, Rush?

 If oil was important enough to strand 550,000 soldiers in the desert,
 why didn't Butch use his damn head up front, like Clinton would have?

 ...and if it's not true, if Saddam was just making that up,
 how did Saddam get a Telex written on State Department letterhead?

 ...and if it's not true, why, to this day, have we not seen the "REAL" memo?
 President Bush always fought to keep that innocent document hidden.

 Why, Rush, why?

 If oil is as important as you say, why did Bush tell that madman
 he wouldn't have a problem with us, then risk American lives to stop him?

 Why, Rush, why?

 Great Counter Quotes

 "Liberals like Bill Clinton and Al Gore. . . don't trust you and me."
      --Jeb Bush, in a GOP fund-raising letter

 "Eat my shorts. . .They're just ultra-conservatives soaked in big oil money."
      --James Carville, in a counterletter

 Thanks to Voltai29@geocities.com,
 the best source of news on the Internet.
 You should subscribe (free) today!

 VCR Alert

 My good friend Howie Klein is going to be on TV tonight.
 Howie is the President of Reprise Records, the label started by Frank Sinatra.
 Howie's going to be on VH-1's "Behind the Music" profile of Ice-T tonight.

 Howie sent this note:

 VH-1 is running the "Behind the Music" piece with Ice-T that they shot a
 couple months ago. I have a few things to say here and there in it-- although
 they already told me they cut out my best lines-- the ones where I called
 Charlton Heston an "out-of-work, alcoholic, 2-bit actor looking for
 employment with a Far Right extremist organiztion."

 ha ha

 Howie's been a longtime  bartcop.com  reader, since before the webpage.
 I recommend you check it out.

 8 PM CST, but I don't know where you live.

 Let's Play "What If?"

 What if Dan Quayle and Smirk were the only two people you could vote for?
 What if, somehow, it got down to those two choices?

 Who would you vote for?


 I'd vote for President Dan Quayle.
 I think he & Smirk are about equally stupid and ignorant,
 but Quayle has four year's experience under his belt.

 All Smirk has is the debt the GOP owed his daddy for throwing the 1992 election
 so the pardons could be given to the criminals, saving Reagan's crooked ass.

 Suddenly, President Quayle doesn't look so bad...

 I wonder...

 How did "Candy" Crowley get her nickname?

 The no-clue GOP is on all the Sunday talk shows whining that Bill and Al
 should've spent more federal money on building roads and cutting overgrowth
 in the super-dense forests out west to lessen the chances of forest fires.

 This is the same bunch that says Clinton-Gore had NOTHING to do with
 the super-booming economy, that the "American worker" deserves the credit.
 Well, why the hell didn't the "American worker" cut the forest overgrowth?

 The Republican plan of attack on everything Clinton, it seems, is this:
 If it's bad, like a forest fire, the blame should be laid at Bill Clinton's feet.
 If it's good, like the economy, Clinton is out-of-the-loop, of course.

 I can't believe I'm saying this,
 but I think the voters are smarter than that.

 Meet the Whore

 Timmy the Whore: Mr Cheney, 30 days ago I asked you if you'd release
 your medical record concerning blood pressure and cholesterol levels etc.
 you said you'd talk to your doctors and get back to us.
 Will you release those records?

 Dick Cheney: No, I will not. I'm in good health and I don't want to.

 Timmy the Whore: Well, OK then, that's good enough for me.

 Gee, what happened to Tim the Inquisitor?

 Remember when Clinton fought the release of his medical records?
 Timmy said that was proof he was hiding something.
 Remember how he stuck with that like a pit bull?

 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,

 The truth is, Timmy and the GOP were hoping like hell they could maybe find
 some evidence that Clinton had been treated for the clap or something,


 if they got lucky with that crusade, they could demand Hillary's medical records
 to see if she's ever had a similar disease so they could go back to Clinton
 and ask where his cock had been when Hillary wasn't involved.

 Sure - when it's something as important as Clinton's cock, Timmy fights hard.

 But were talking about the condition of the only member of Team Smirk
 that has a brain or any experience with the federal government,
 then Timmy backs down like ewe'd expect him to,

 Koresh forbid President Smirk loses his fight with Jim Beam,
 and we'd suddenly need a healthy Dick to step in and save America,
 wouldn't it be nice to know before the election if he was up to the job?

 To Tim the Whore, Clinton's cock is more important than national fucking security,
 so he let Cheney off without so much as a whimper.

 Tim - you're a whore, now get outta here.

 Will George Sweep Laura Into His Arms?
        By Maureen Dowd

 WASHINGTON -- W. won't come out of his room.
 He's curled up down in Austin around his favorite feather pillow.

 When the going gets tough, the Napster hits the sack.

 Soft Money is hovering outside, eager to give its boy some remedial
 math coaching on the difference between billions and trillions.

 Big Oil has some talking points on the upside of having two Houston
 Oilers running the country.

 The Council on Foreign Relations is ready with some grammatical
 pointers on how to make subjects and verbs agree.

 The Polluters, the Pharmaceutical Companies, Big Tobacco and the
 Christian Right are in a huddle, looking very, very nervous.

 Jeb, suppressing a slight smile, is lurking in the wings.

 The Napster tries to shut out the babble of anxious voices by
 burrowing his head under the pillow.

 "One phony kiss and I'm down five points," he mutters to himself.
 "In four seconds, Al Gore kisses his gender gap goodbye?
  We're neck and neck because I wouldn't neck?

 (Maureen - that was a particulary stupid sentence.
  Did you really win a Pulitzer Prize for writing?)

 "This is not what I hitched up for. They promised me it would be a cinch.
  Karl Rove planned a rerun of 1896, when McKinley won without
  leaving his front porch in Ohio.

 "They said everybody would come to me, that I could coast like a cork
  in a stream, carried to D.C. by the tide of Clinton scandals. The country
  seemed fed up with power-hungry connivers like Bill and Hillary and Al.

 "Karl said America wanted another Reagan -- easygoing and sunny, not
  stuffed with facts and figures. Then Detail Man mauls his wife and
  suddenly I'm being called lazy and tongue-tied again.

 "Now Karl is fretting over the debates. He thinks I'm going to talk more about
 the vile hemisphere and America being held hostile by rogue nations. I'm not
 ashamed of those little slips. The hemisphere is vile sometimes!

 "Gore is so cocky because his bounce is bigger than mine. Republicans
 are wondering if I have the fire to win or if I just want to get back into
 the White House to play horseshoes and have Sunday hamburger lunches.
 They told me to stop saying that I won't mind if I don't win.
 Karl said it used to make me sound like I wasn't overly ambitious,
 which was a good thing; now it makes me sound like I'm not overly
 ambitious, which is a bad thing. Go figure.

 "I'm the underdog for the first time, but I had to clear my schedule
  this weekend. I needed a rest, man, after a heavy foreign policy powwow
  Friday with Vicente Fox, trading cowboy boots for a sombrero.

 "I've been pulling this campaign like a sled dog. One, sometimes two
  appearances a day. Those endless 10-minute stump speeches. And
  occasionally the speechwriters stick in a new paragraph and expect me to
  wrap my tongue around it right away. It's brutal.

 "Just because I got tangled up in trillions talking about my tax plan, people think I
  don't understand subtraction. I understand subtraction. The less we subtract from
 the rich, the happier they are. The happier they are, the more money they give me.
 The more money they give me, the more likely it is I can win.

 "I thought it was a good idea to keep my girls offstage, until Karenna made such a
 hit talking about her dumb igloo and how her dad slathered butter on her toast.
 Barbara and Jenna could have praised my nachos Queso City."

 The Napster hears the door open.
 Poppy comes in and sits on the bed for a pep talk.

 "Know what you're going through, son," Poppy says. "Bush men have a hard time putting
 on the lovey-dovey. Went through the same deal in '88. Michael and Kitty Dukakis spent
 the whole Democratic convention hugging. Come on, that stuff about them dancing with no
 music in the holding room, looking like they were madly in love? Didn't seem real.
"But then for our convention, I got all this advice to reach out, hold Bar's hand,
 and we laughed about it and thought how ridiculous it's gotten in this country.

 "We practiced the loving look, and the creeping hand. Message: I kiss.
 Had to stand closer to the Silver Fox, act more -- well, er, romantic --
 on camera. Even gave Bar a pat on her caboose, right on CBS. Called her
 'Sweetsie.' Started signing my little notes to her, 'Sweetie-pie coo-coo.' "

 Under the pillow, the Napster sniffles.

 "Don't cry for me, Argentina," Poppy says, a bit sternly.
 "Getting to the White House takes hard work and sacrifice.
  Things you just don't want to do.
  A lot of marital hijinks, stuff that gives you the willies.

 "Bite the bullet, son. If you want to be president, pucker up."

 Great True Quotes

 The Republicans want a gold-plated military - that goes nowhere!
     -- Margaret Carlson, Capital Gang 8/26

 Have truer words ever been spoken?

 Whenever Clinton sent troops somewhere, the GOP said, "That country is not
 worth a single drop of American blood and we have no business there."

 (Funny, they didn't mind when President Bush sent soldiers to die in Somalia.
  That was the "Meals on Wheels" Rush always whines about.
   It wasn't Clinton that started that shit - it was Bush)

 If you look at the world thru GOP eyes, no country is worth a drop of blood,
 so why are we paying for this military to be in tip-top shape?

 Margeret Carlson is correct.
 The GOP doesn't want to use the military under a Democratic president,
 but they want those billion-dollar contracts running as scheduled.

 Still in that Mexican Jail

 Click  Here

 And now, ...a word from our sponsor.

 Hi, I'm Tiger Woo
 I'm a great golfer.
 Actually, I'm the greatest golfer who ever lived.

 Don't you wish you were Tiger Woo ?
 Well, you can't be!

 ...but you can play golf like Tiger Woo
 All you need to do is get out your wallet.

 That's right, get out your wallet, and get your ass to a store somewhere
 that sells the monsterously-overpriced and official Tiger Woo Golf balls.
 They're called  and that's no accident.
 Ask for them by name.

 That's right, all that money you desperately-poor kids have saved up -
 that paper route money, that leaf-raking money, that snow-shoveling money,
 that birthday money you got from Aunt Pickles and Uncle Smirk,
 take that money to your nearest whites-only golf course and walk right up
 to the man behind the counter in the pro shop and say, real loud,
 "I wants me some"

 Those whites are really friendly, at least they've been friendly to me.

 Do what you need to do, but get those damn.
 Steal money out of your mom's purse, steal a bike, whatever it takes,
 but run some cash to a fancy white golf course but get these

 Oh, by the way, that monsterously-overpriced golf ball you can't live without?
 It's pretty much sorta like the one I actually use, myself.
 It's got a softer shell and a softer core, but Nike spokesman Mike Kelly said
 Nike's research indicates no more than 5 to 8 percent of the market actually
 want the actual product they think they're paying for,

 So ...that clearly makes what we're doing legitimate. right?

 Besides, without this Nike money, my accountants say I'd only made $86,000,000
 this year and hey, with the Democrats about to get both houses back,
 I'd be crazy not to make every fucking time there is to be made,
 even if I have to hose you suckers in the ghetto.
 With that Nike money, I'll break $100,000,000 this year, so fuck you!
 How much did you make last year, whitey?

 Sorry, I'm off-message, and my media people and my handlers say that's bad.

 Where were we?
 Oh, yes, the fraudule....I....the....the inexact golf ball you thought you bought
 was more of an homage to me, the greatest golfer who ever lived,
 than an actual "official" golf ball like the package clearly states.

 So, no harm, no foul, right?
 Your snotty kids got to hit an offficial Tiger Woo golf ball around,
 and if you've got some problem with some of the weasel words I use in my excuse,
 that just proves you can't stand to see a black man make it.

  Full True Story

 Recently, we read some e-mail praising modernhumorist.com
 I was unfamiliar with them, but after reading some of his/their stuff,
 (notice how I assume it can't be a woman? sexism is such an ugly thing)
 this is the kind of humor I wish I could do.

 When I write jokes, I'm standing on the ground.
 Reading this, or Betty Bowers and the Landover gang, and others
 these people are flying around writing jokes, and I'm jealous.

 It reminded me that I spend so much time in the treehouse I don't get
 to surf the Internet much anymore because there's never enough time
 to do the treehouse, download the porn and surf for funny web pages.
 Which makes me think there's a lot I'm missing - we need a list.

 Here's the best version of the funny-as-hell page from modernhumorist.com

 Click  Here  for the lesser, forever version.

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