Volume 276 - Police and Thieves
 September 24, 2000

 I've been working hard on the DC trip story.
 Should be ready any day now.

 Bob Barr (R-Paid for Abortion) Your Time is Up

 Click  Here

 I told you that Marion Jones was lightning.

 Check this out:

 ha ha


 Great True Quotes

  Bush said the reserves are only used for emergency.
  Like when he used the reserves to get out of Vietnam!
                   --Bill Maher

 Thanks to voltai29@geocities.com

 Today's Page Two Girl is Vanessa Paradis

 Click  Here

 Jeb Admits that DubYa May Lose Florida

 Orlando-- Florida Governor Jeb Bush said his brother Smirk may not carry Florida
 and that his campaign is calculating how to win without the state's 25 electoral votes.

"Yeah, I'm concerned," Jeb Bush told reporters on his brother's campaign plane.
 "I'm always concerned. But, I think he can still win without carrying Florida."

 The Florida governor's comments contrast with his previous predictions of
 victory and come as numerous state-wide polls show Gore has made the race
 in Florida too close to call. And with Bush trailing Gore in most national polls,
 the Bush people see Florida as a vital component needed to win.

"Frankly, I'd prefer it not to be this way," the Florida governor said.

 From:  CS

 Subject: Founders' Religions

 Hey Bart
 I thought your readers might find this site interesting
 (http://www.earlyamerica.com/review/summer97/secular.html) as it proves
 the Family Research Council's accusations absolutely false that the Founding Fathers
 wanted our country to embrace only Christianity.

 In fact, Washington and Franklin embraced Deism (God as an absentee landlord - create
 the Earth, then take a vacation until the end of time, with no interest in what happens in between),
 Adams was a notorious Unitarian, and Paine, Madison, Jefferson holding no religious affiliations
 (they all criticized Christianity). I wonder how smart these "family researchers" could be if a
 16 year old with one year of European History and two weeks of U.S. History under her belt
 could refute their arguments with one link on the Internet. I'm sure my history class will yield
 plenty more interesting tidbits, and I'll be happy to send them along.


 That was good, thanks.
 Send along more tidbits like that.

 You're only 16?
 Glad you're on the side of science and logic.

 September 23, 2000

 Christopher Hitchens should be married to Maureen Dowd.
 Like Dowd, Hitchens hates everybody.
 And the son-of-a-bitch will say anything.

 Anyone that calls Hillary and Nancy Reagan and Mother Teresa "whores,"
 probably has missed some appointments with his therapist.

 Anyway, he's turned that incredible Hose of Hate on Smirk,
 so we might as well enjoy it, because he'll be doing Gore next week.

 Buckle up, and hang on


 I once knew a fairly intelligent man who disconcerted me one day by denouncing
 the arbitrary domination of the then-Soviet Union by a sinister-sounding body
 named "the Politurbo." Allowance could be made in his case; not everybody
 understood the abbreviations of "agitprop" and the crude origins of Com-speak.
 Had the term been spelled out as "Political Bureau" I am sure he would have
 got there easily in the end. But what unhorsed me at the time was this:
 He must have seen the word "Politburo" in print many times, and also heard
 it spoken very often, without ever registering the connection.

 The term for this failure of mental word-processing is dyslexia, and it can occur
 in mild and severe forms. I used to have the job of tutoring a dyslexic
 child, and I know something about the symptoms. So I kicked myself hard
 when I read the profile of Governor George W. Bush, by my friend and colleague
 Gail Sheehy, in this month's Vanity Fair. All those jokes and cartoons and
 websites about his gaffes, bungles and malapropisms? We've been unknowingly
 teasing the afflicted. The poor guy is obviously dyslexic, and dyslexic
 to the point of near-illiteracy. Numerous experts and friends of the dynasty
 give Sheehy their considered verdict to this effect.

 The symptoms and clues have been staring us in the face for some time. Early in
 the campaign, Bush said that he did indeed crack the odd book and was even at
 that moment absorbed by James Chace's biography of Dean Acheson.

 But when asked to report anything that was in the damn volume, the governor
 pulled up an empty net. His brother Neil is an admitted dyslexic. His mother has
 long been a patron of various foundations and charities associated with dyslexia.
 How plain it all now seems.

 The rhetorical and linguistic train wrecks in the speeches of Reagan and Bush Senior
 were of a different quality, arising variously from hysterical lying, brutish ignorance,
 senile decay and cultural deprivation. But the problem was chiefly syntactical.

 The additional humiliations of Dubya derive from utter failures of word recognition.
 A man who has somehow got this far in politics and refers to "tacular" weapons is
 unclear (or do I mean nuclear?) on the concept.

 In free-trade language, tariffs and barriers are not necessarily conterminous,
 but in no circumstance are they "terriers."  To use "vile" for "viable" might look like
 misfortune, but to employ "inebriating" for "enthralling" looks like carelessness,
 especially in someone with his booze and cocaine record. Bush doesn't want our
 enemies to "hold us hostile";  I must say I agree with what I'm sure he didn't mean to say.

 Confusing "handcuffs" with "cufflinks" might be a yuppie slip;
 at any rate it presumably doesn't mean softness on crime.
 As for "Reading is the basics of all learning," well, there you are.

 Does any of this matter? Of course it does.
 Bush has already claimed with hand on heart that he personally scrutinized the death-row
 appeals of more than a hundred condemned wretches in the shocking Texas prison system;
 we now have to face the fact that he not only did not review the clemency petitions but
 could not have read them even if he wanted to.

 Aides now remember the times they presented the governor or the candidate with that crucial
 briefing paper, only to see him toss it on the desk and demand a crisp, verbal, "bottom line"
 summary of its contents. Decisive, right?   Wrong.

 I know from my teaching experience that nature very often compensates the dyslexic
 with a higher IQ or some grant of intuitive intelligence.

 If this is true for Bush it hasn't yet become obvious; his Texas chief of staff, Clay Johnson,
 told Gail Sheehy that the attention span of his boss is, not to euphemize matters overmuch,
 somewhere in the vicinity of fifteen minutes. In other words, and as far as we know,
 he has only the downside of his difficulty, which is attention-deficit disorder.
 In the high noon of the age of information, the Republican Party packages and
 presents a provincial ignoramus who can neither read nor write.  Woof.

 But now here's another amazing thing. Nelson Rockefeller was dyslexic, though nobody knew
 it until after he'd become Vice President. Ronald Reagan's neurons and synapses were being
 devoured by Alzheimer's from at least... well, I'd say 1982 from personal observation,
 though experts differ. Bill Clinton was understood by some of the closest of his circle,
 including his awful wife, to be a pathological liar and sexual delinquent when he was still
 lucky enough to be governor of Arkansas. Usually, these and many other disqualifications,
 like Nixon's alcoholism, await the patient, too-late forensic attention of the court historians.

 Yet here's a man whose aides and flacks are visibly white-lipped every time he opens his mouth,
 and who should be seeking remedial care but is instead seeking the presidential therapy that he
 doesn't need, and nobody says a word.  Nobody had the poor taste to follow up Gail Sheehy's findings.

 Ah, but Bush has a disability.... Can that be it?
 From "compassionate conservatism" to compassion for the conservative?
 Well, I'm ready to feel compassion for him. I want him to get all the help he needs
 (which will probably involve him in emulating his flabbergasting running mate and moving his
 official residence to another and more compassionate state). But I think, in presidential terms,
 we should leave this child back and let him catch up in his own special way at some later date.

 Meanwhile, the press and the Democrats should either stop citing and mocking the flubs or
 come right out and say what they mean. A danger of heartlessness, even of callousness, exists.
 Seeking to explain away his wastrel life and his obnoxious manner--nagging problems that
 persisted until his mid-40s--Bush invites us to believe that he mutated into finer personhood
 after having a personal encounter with God. The pious toads at the head of the Democratic
 ticket are full of unction at this and any other manifestation of hypocrisy.

 In a farcical recent moment, Bush contradicted his own mother, who claimed he'd always read
 his Bible as a youngster, by telling the Washington Post that he'd read no such thing.

 So--what if he had meant to say all along that he'd found a personal "dog"?

 The time to clear this up is now.

 Margaret Shemo Smacks She-Thing "upside the head"

 Click  Here

                 LYING ADS
                 by Garry Wills

                 George W. Bush has said he will not go negative in this race, but he just approved
                 an ad that in effect calls Al Gore a liar -- and the ad itself lies.

                 Nor is it the first one. We heard recently of an ad that was made, scheduled, and
                 ready for broadcast when Bush himself killed it at the last minute. It had Gore
                 saying that he did not think President Clinton had ever lied. The ad made it seem
                 that Gore was discussing the Monica Lewinsky situation, where the president did lie.
                 But the Gore guote was actually from before the Lewinsky lie. The interesting thing
                 about this ad was that, early on, it had been conceived and approved all the way to
                 airtime by the team Bush has backing him.

                 A slip, you might say, that Bush remedied. But exactly the same misuse of
                 information did go out without Bush's objection from the same source. A press
                 release sent out a picture of Al Gore at the notorious Buddhist temple, and sitting at
                 the same table was Maria Hsia, who was later convicted of gathering illegal
                 donations. The caption to the picture quoted Gore as saying that he did not recall
                 seeing Hsia at the event. The trouble is, he was talking about a different event.
                 Applying a quote from one situation and presenting it as arising at a later one is
                 apparently a settled tactic with the Republican National Committee.

                 The picture and the caption were run in The Washington Times. When the truth
                 about the handout was pointed out (by George magazine) to the Times columnist
                 who ran it, he had to admit: "I thought I had a good one here; obviously, I didn't." He
                 had been deceived, before he deceived others. The irony here is that the ads are
                 meant to portray Gore as not telling the truth, but the real deception is in the ads

                 James Burnett, writing in George, says that the RNC has put together a large team
                 of "opposition research" ("oppo") specialists -- 31 at present count -- that is going
                 over the record of all Al Gore's recorded statements. They have a little warehouse
                 of Gore's TV appearances, and they sift them for use throughout the campaign. So
                 while Bush is saying he won't be negative, he has a hit team of negativity artists all
                 poised to strike.

                 This should not be surprising from the party that, prompted by Lee Atwater and
                 Roger Aisles, made negative campaigning a fine-tuned instrument of destruction in
                 the first George Bush's campaign, the party that used the racially inflammatory
                 Willie Horton ad against Michael Dukakis, the party that went to the Newt Gingrich
                 school in the matter of slash-and-burn tactics.

                 The fascinating thing is that, with all their gathered material to draw on, the new
                 team of "oppo" operatives has not been able to come up with a truthful presentation
                 of Gore's weakness. They have had to fake captions and misdate statements in
                 order to be negative enough to suit their tradition.

                 The latest ad is another example of this. It quotes Gore as saying, "I took the
                 initiative in creating the Internet" -- a statement the Republicans most often
                 misquote to make him say what he has never said: "I invented the Internet." The ad
                 makes the one claim equivalent to the other by having a woman's voice-over say,
                 "Yeah, and I invented the remote control," slyly inserting the word "invent" into the
                 situation just as the wrong quotes were put under The Washington Times picture
                 and inserted into the ad stopped at the last minute. The only way the Bush people
                 seem able to call Gore a liar is by lying themselves.

                 Bush's campaign director, Karen Hughes, says the ad is not negative because it is
                 so funny -- "I laughed out loud at it" -- as if the aim were not even political but
                 simply to contribute to the gaiety of nations. Either she has a low laugh threshold or
                 she is lying, too.

 From: joe-prince@usa.net

 Subject: Ask BartCop

 Yo BC!

 I was wondering…

 With Vice President Al Gore's resounding rise in the polls,
  has Dan Burton (R-Loser) started to draft impeachment legislation?

 Your #1 fan in Joe Lieberman's home state.

 Joe Tom


 Yes, but when Gore takes the oath,
 Henry Waxman will become chairman.

 ha ha

 Julia Roberts says

 Get a Leg Up...

 Read  bartcop.com  every day!

 Olympic Question

 Is my girl Cathy Freeman running against Marion Jones?
 I sure hope not.

 That Marion Jones is lightning.
 Did you see her run last night in the pre-lims?

 There was Marion out front, then the other nine all bunched up a few yards behind her.

 Are the men faster than Marion Jones?
 She's just impossible.
 She has an afterburner on her ass, the flame is about 15 feet long.

 Skisics said he thought Cathy was running Monday night.
 Let's hope Marion Jones is in a different weight class or something...

 From: JennyQ1@aol.com

 Subject: Mole-gate

 Check out Drudge's screaming headline...("allegations have been made..")

 Let's look at the facts:

 1. Practice tapes and documents were sent from Austin DIRECTLY to Gore's prep guy, Downey.

 2. Downey turned the material over to the FBI

 3. Bush's camp immediately said there would be NO internal investigation and that ALL
     who had access to the materials were TOP LEVEL officials in the campaign.

 4. Downey turned the material over to the FBI

 5. Bush's camp now claims to believe it was a Gore "mole"

 Let's see...a Gore "mole" obtains the material, sends it to Downey, and then
 Downey turns it over to the FBI?

 This doesn't add up.

 What does add up is........

 One of the "Top Officials" in Bush's camp sent the materials not expecting
 Downey to turn them over. The materials were a genuine but benign debate
 tape and some FAKE DEBATE STRATEGY documents.

 This was done to throw Gore off, not as a ploy to later point a finger at
 Gore for having the materials (after all, how would Bush's people KNOW he had
 them..this accusation would get their hands dirty).

 The Bushies didn't expect Gore's guy to turn the material over, and now that
 he has they are trying to deflect attention from their own campaign.


 Great GOP Quotes

 "There's just no reason for panic at this point."
    --  Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (Va.), who chairs the House GOP's campaign arm.

 ha ha

 Of course there is, or you wouldn't be trying to stop the panic.

 From:  mrte@home.com

 Subject: tgis........

 here's a lil ditty fer ya.....

 Laff riot? President Clinton was quite the cutup during Tuesday
 night's book party for former White House aide Paul Begala's
 "Is Our Children Learning? The Case Against George W. Bush."

 "I just got off the phone with Al Gore," Clinton told the author at West 24,
 James Carville's new restaurant, "and Al wanted me to ask,
 'Are your book selling?'

 ha ha

"Then the president grabbed one of the promotional posters and inscribed it:
 "Paul, I lernd a lot frum yer book."

 Washington Post - 21 September 2000
 - The Reliable Source

 A Note from our Friend Bojan

 Click  Here

 You need to read this.
 It may be the best, funniest letter ever on  bartcop.com

 From:  grammarian@jps.net

 Subject: edirot

 Hey, Bart, do you get a kick out of using a typo for "editor" all the goddamn time?

 What's an "editor?"

 Great GOP Quotes

"We've been caught in a Gore riptide. I felt like I'm pulling candidates
  out of the water into lifeboats. Hopefully the worst is behind us."
    -- GOP pollster John McLaughlin, working in a number of congressional races.

 ha ha

 Can we get Barbara Streisand to sing, "Happy Days are here again?"

 From: sabutai@ix.netcom.com

 Subject: Great Bush Joke

 Q: As a child, what was little Georgie W Bush's biggest fear?

 A: The Subliminable Snowman!

 ha ha


 NBC to Air Baseball, Not Debates

 WASHINGTON (Reuters) - NBC said on Friday it will broadcast baseball instead
 of the first showdown between President-Elect Gore and The Hitcher Bush.

 NBC may also preempt coverage of the final debate in St. Louis in favor of baseball.

 I see their point.
 Without that prick Russert, nobody will be asking about Clinton's cock,
 so what possible news value could the debates hold for NBC?

 Sent in by Tamara Baker:

 Rogan, Barr Expected to Lose House Seats

 JIM ROGAN (House Manager - Prick) EXPECTED TO LOSE

 "Rogan's district once was a GOP fortress, but Republicans have been moving away.
  Democrats now have a 45%-37% registration edge. Rogan squeaked to his first term
  in 1996 with 50.1% of the vote. He was re-elected in 1998 with 50.7%."

 "'Jim Rogan has been overtaken by demographics,' says Sherry Bebitch Jeffe,
  a political science professor at California's Claremont Graduate University.
  'I expect he will lose this seat.'"


 "The race between Congressman Bob Barr (R-Clinton's Cock) and his opponent,
  Roger Kahn, is becoming more interesting every day. A recent poll shows Barr has
  fallen below the 50% threshold in the 7th District, with 47% support. Mr. Kahn has 41%.

 What makes this all interesting is that 12% of registered voters are undecided.
 Traditionally, undecided voters this late in a campaign when it involves an incumbent
 usually means they will end up voting for the challenger.  Only 41% say Barr
  'deserves to be re-elected,' while 46% say it's 'timefor someone new' as Congressman.

 Editor's Note:
 I think it's time for everyone to give serious thought to two things:

 A. Starting today, put a dollar a day aside so you can buy a bottle of Chinaco Anejo
      for the big party the night of November 7th. This could be a very special night.
      I don't really believe this, but it's possible the GOP may finally understand that
      as long as they are the cock-grabbing, white-power, religio-wacko sex police who
      hate blacks, gays and women, and they aren't going to win any more elections
      until they knock it the fuck off.

      If this was a Hollywood movie, some half-intelligent Republican would stand up
      and say, "Isn't it time we stopped the hate?"   But nooooooooooooooo.

 B. Asking the boss if you can take a vacation day November 8th.

 November 7th may be a night to remember.
 Of course, you'll be right here watching the returns, right?

 Party at  bartcop.com  that night!

 ha ha


 From: zjz368@worldnet.att.net



 Dave from Sacramento

 Iran Contra and Wen Ho Lee

 Click  Here  for the official version

 Click  Here  for the permanant version (same thing)

 Bush's Daddy looks awfully guilty...

From: cbix@home.com


 ha ha

 The pinhead and the big tittied golddigger.

 Thanks, Chris.

 Guilt by Innuendo

 "All presidents entertain, but the Clintons
  have brought White House entertainment to new heights."
   -- Alan Greenspan's wife, Andrea.

 Yeah, ...so?

 You say that like it's a bad thing.
 If the president is not allowed to have friends over for dinner,
 just write the specifics into law and if he breaks that law, impeach him.

 ha ha

 Admit it!
 You press whiners are upset that the Cock Hunt is slowing down, and you can't find
 enough evidence to charge him with anything besides kicking House manger-ass,
 so you bastards fabricate a "scandal" by pretending there's something wrong
 with the president having a few friends over for dinner and a movie.

 Hey, press - blow me!

 By the way,
 when the Clintons have friends over for dinner these days,
 what's on the menu?

 They're having Fried Filet o' Ray!
 That's right.

 The Clintons took Robert Ray, prick extraordinaire, sliced his hall monitor-ass into
 long strips and fried him up to be served to their friends from back home in Arkansas.

 Bill had a helper, too.

 Hillary whipped up some of her special Castle Grande Sauce.
 Goddamn, have you ever tasted Hillary's Castle Grande Sauce?

 Whoooooooooooooooooooo, PIG!

 ha ha

 When Hillary gets out the Castle Grande Sauce, the party is on!
 Hillary was all smiles as she ladled Sauce over the stripped-and-fried Filet o' Ray.
 I understand the gang finished him off with a nice Chianti.

 ...crooked son-of-a-bitch.

 Hey, Ray!

 They're letting you off easy this time, boy.
 Try indicting Bill after he leaves office!
 Hillary will see to it that you take a wet nap with the others.

 Yeah - a year from now, I'd be surprised if Hardon Kenneth is still alive.
 Judas Stephie Maximus may also become fish food, as well as Dick-the-toe-sucker.
 I think maybe a "Big Pussy boat ride" might be in order for this trio.
 Maybe Hillary will force a couple of shots of Jose Cuervo Gold
 down their throats just before she makes them eat hot lead.

 You know, Mr Ray...

 with Starr, Judas and Morris at the bottom of the ocean,
 if they had a fourth, you motherless huns could play bridge for all eternity.

 ...you play bridge, Mr. Ray?

 Poor Matt Drudge

 He's so desperate to be relevant without a stained dress.
 Check out this "amazing exclusive" that only Matt could dig up:

 White House spokesman Joe Lockhart confirmed a DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE
 that alleged financial contributors to the first lady's campaign have stayed at the
 White House,  but he dismissed the notion that the first lady did anything improper.

 Gee, Matt, ...I'm so jealous.

 You really pinned them down with your detective skills, Matt.
 Tell us, Matt, can your "super-secret" moles find out if
 Chelsea's friends were invited to her birthday party, too?

 That'd be a big scoop for you, Jimmy Olsen.

 Drudge also has a "big scoop" about the Smirk tapes that were delivered.
 His "big scoop" is only about 75 words long, and it contains these:

 ABC NEWS is said to have
 is alleged to
 sketchy on details
 according to a witness,
 according to a newsroom source
 using confidential information
 lawyers are involved...
 everybody knew about it

 Christ, Kahoutek could fly through each of those gaps.

 I could write a story a day about "a source," sketchy on details, who is allegedly
 using confidential information about people who may have knowledge about
 something ABC news is said to have been involved with concerning lawyers...

 Remember Watergate?
 Remember how many wild rumors Woodward and Bernstein heard
 but wouldn't print unless they could get a second source to back it up?

 Did they ever print a sentence that had the word, "maybe" in it six times?

 Today's Page Two Girl

 Click  Here

 From: Nmmeeks@aol.com

 Subject: Stock market story


 i just wanted to point out that the precipitous drop ABC was reporting this
 morning is 1% of the Market. Maybe when that moron Reagan was president
 120 points meant something but today we have the Econominator as President
 and 8 years of unprecedented growth.   i guess ABWhore is just longing for
 the good old days of the horse and buggy economy.
 They know the economy like Limpwadd knows the truth.



 ha ha



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