Vol 217 - I'm Covered in Shells

 June 22, 2000

 From:  seanog@metconnect.com

 Subject: execution

 The really sad part is,
 Governor Smirk will sleep like a baby tonight.


Miller Surprised Many
 especially BartCop

The addition of Dennis Miller was widely considered a surprise.
Michaels and Ohlmeyer said they were “just blown away”
by Miller’s audition two and a half weeks ago.
Miller learned of his appointment Wednesday night.

"Without a single note in front of him, Miller knew player bios,
the plays themselves, the history of the teams,” Michaels said
of Miller’s audition. “We were speechless.”

Miller said he has a “nerd’s knowledge of football” and
“hoped to bring some humor to the booth.” He said he
planned to continue doing his weekly comedy show on HBO.

 Jerry Springer Rushes to Aid Rabbi Schlessinger

 Click  Here

 Smirk's Map o' the World

 Click  Here

 33 more minutes for this guy...

 I wonder if his odds would've been better
  if he was a lighter-skinned black man?

 From: (author unknown)

 Dennis Miller apparently has the inside track to become the next color
 commentator on Monday Night Football. Apparently, Michael Eisner threatened
 to fire everyone involved if Rush Limbaugh was hired for the job.

 I'm looking forward to him comparing Randy Moss jumping over an insurmountable
 mound of defenders for a touchdown to Tenzing Norgay and Edmund Hillary.
 There will be a palpable silence from the booth as nobody gets the reference.
 "It's the Sherpa and the guy who climbed Mount Everest, you fucking morons!

 "Man, Bruce cut through the line like OJ went through Nicole's jugular."
 "Cunningham's throwing more bombs than Bin Laden on angel dust
  attending the Feldman kid's barmitzvah."

 ha ha

 I still don't buy it.

 Begala Shoots the Bull


 The Book of Deuteronomy (17:6) says, "On the testimony of two or three
 witnesses a man shall be put to death, but no one shall be put to death on the
 testimony of only one witness." This wise and ancient rule is repeated in the
 Book of Numbers (35:30): "Anyone who kills a person is to be put to death as
 a murderer only on the testimony of witnesses. But no one is to be put to
 death on the testimony of only one witness."

 Today, George W. Bush will bear the moral responsibility for a man scheduled
 to be put to death on the basis of the testimony of just one eyewitness -- the very
 scenario the Bible warns against.

 Think about these facts, as reported by Dave McNeely, the brilliant columnist
 for the Austin American-Statesman:

 * There were six people who witnessed the shooting. Only one identified Graham;
 * Graham's trial attorney failed to call the other five.
 * Graham's four alibi witnesses were never called;
 * The ballistics tests did not match a gun Graham was carrying when arrested;

 Does George W. Bush care about any of this?
 Whether you are for or against capital punishment, the notion of this callow,
 shallow, cynical frat-rat making life and death decisions should chill your blood.

 If Bush allows his state to kill Gary Graham,
 some will say Graham died for Bush's lack of character.

 Ask BartCop

 From: Nmmeeks@aol.com

 Talk about free advertisement; they played Fat Bastard like a fiddle.

 Just heard the news that they've picked Miller.
 God this is funny as hell.
 I bet the NFL will become the epitome of communism in America over night.
 By choosing Miller isn't ABC saying "fuck you" to Limbaugh?





 Dumpster Update  (see below)

 From:  booradley@postmark.net

 Subject:  Vietnam Vet Homeless #'s.

 Granted, these are three years old, and only account for veterans who
 use rescue missions, but it's still fuckin' sad. Here's the cliff
 notes version for you- If you want the full story, go to-



 More Than 40 Percent of Homeless Vets Served in Vietnam,
 Gulf War Vets Already Account for Nine Percent

 What would it be like to party with the vulgar Pigboy?

 Let's ask BrainSmasher.

 Click  Here

 Who's more crooked?  Smirk or his Daddy?

 Click  Here


 From:  stubby_rodriguez@yahoo.com

 Your London correspondent forgot one important piece of information about the report.
 Even though the US is 37th in quality of care, we are 1st in cost.



 How far can they carry a joke?

 AP says Dennis Miller is the new guy in the MNF booth.
 It's not true, this is a gag.

 Click  Here

 The idiots at KRoMaG AM radio in Knuckledrag are reporting
 the false rumor that Dennis Miller is the new man in the MNF booth.

 This is a funny rumor - it's a joke!
 Dennis Miller has never uttered the word "football" in his whole life.

 KRMG is even an ABC affiliated station, you'd think they'd know better.

 Trust me on this.
 Smirk will be president before this silly rumor turns out to be true.

 Great Pissquik Quotes

 You're really, really going to like this one.
 This is Pissquik at his finest!
 I even have this sucker on tape, but I can't wait.

 "This president, willfully and deliberately,
   has stripped and diffused our security mechanisms,
   and not just in the Energy Department
   but in other areas as well."

  Senator Jim Inhofe (R-White Power Extremist)

 Senator, if that's even three percent true,
 why the fuck don't you impeach him?

 Does Al Gore read bartcop.com?

 According to Public Citizen, Texaco’s first-quarter profits jumped 473 percent
 over 1999.  Conoco and Phillips, respectively, saw profits go up 371 percent
 and 257 percent over the same period.

 “Now you put two and two together and look at the huge price increases
 that they say they can’t explain and look at the 500 percent increase in profits
 and look at the way they’ve been getting bigger,” Gore told CNN.

 Recently, it was stated on  bartcop.com  that the easiest way to see if the
 government's insistence on cleaner gasoline was the cause of the massive
 price increases would be the oil companiy's profit margin.

 Here's how it looked:  (From Volume 216)

 Y'know, it's too bad there are no gamblers out there.
 I'm in a gambling mood, after listening to the lying Pigboy.
 Rush says the increase in gas prices is Al Gore's fault, due to the
 "new, obtrusive, unneeded and expensive clean air requirements"
 forced on the poor, poor oil companies by the big, bad government.

 If the oil companies are not price-gouging,
 if the oil companies are merely passing on the high-costs of
 Al Gore's extremism, that means their profits will not increase.

 Any gamblers out there now?

 ha ha

 The oil company's profits are about to shoot thru the goddamn roof.

 Actually, I shouldn't try to claim credit for that.
 Catching the vulgar Pigboy in a lie isn't exactly rocket science.

 I just wish I could find a rich, Republican Rush fan to gamble with.

 ha ha

 Then I wouldn't need a millionaire for the  bartcop.com  expansion.
 Al, in the future, if you need anything from  bartcop.com  you go right ahead
 and borrow it, good buddy!  No need to ask permission or anything.
 It's all yours.

 Stroke Me, Stroke Me

"Clinton accepted phoney and fake money from the Chinese."

 ha ha

 The poor bastard has lost his ability to form sentences.

 ABC may decide as early as today whether or not to have
 the vulgar, foul-mouthed Pigboy in the MNF booth.

 There's a  bogus rumor  going around that they've picked Dennis Miller
 to be the new dude in the booth, but that's just a little friendly joke.

 Dennis Miller knows less about football than me.

 If you're against the murder of innocent people  click here.

 Don't put it off, 'cause he'll be dead next time you read bartcop.com

 Now you've gone too far

 From:  CShelton@StAttorney.org

 Okay, I have heard Pigboy say a lot of horrible things over the years,
 - Chelsea the White House dog,
 - Jesse Jackson looks like all criminals,
 - take that bone out of your nose, etc. etc. but I refuse to believe even someone
 as vile as El Porko laughed at veterans who died in dumpsters. I have never heard
 this before and I know you wouldn't pull a Republican move like level allegations
 you can't prove, so can you please explain what quote you were referring to?

 Thanks, and if Maha Piggy actually did laugh at veterans dying in dumpsters,
 then a stroke is too good for him, he should get cancer of the tongue and be
 rendered mute to live in a country run by a Democratic President and a Democratic
 Congress until he finally descends into the pit of hell to burn for all eternity.

 Carrie Shelton

 Carrie, I sure like your sense of justice.  :)
 When dealing with the vulgar Pigboy, it's almost impossible to go too far.
 Rush re-wrote the rules on ethics, accuracy and good taste years ago,
 and the whore mainstream media followed him right into the gutter.

 True, I don't have a tape of Rush saying, "Ha ha on the dumpster vets,"
 but he likes to go on and on about the "proper etiquette" for homeless
 people who are forced to scrounge for meals in a dumpster, and he loves
 to ridicule the poor bastard who decided to sleep in a dumpster because
 the benefits of hiding from the rain or the cold outweighed the stench
 of sleeping inside the dumpster.

 Where Rush really gets his best laughs is when he reads that some poor
 schmuck, asleep in a dumpster, was picked up and crushed to death by the
 compactor inside the goddamn garbage truck.  That sick bastard cackles
 with glee when he sees a report like that - that's the kind of slug he is.

 The veteran reference comes from a generic statistic that a "high percentage"
 of the homeless are Vietnam Veterans. If I had a staff, or more time, I could
 track that percentage down for you. Since that percentage means that a
 much-higher-than-usual rate of Vietnam vets are involved, the only decent thing
 for the vulgar Pigboy to do would be to not make fun of ANY dumpster deaths,
 so as to insulate himself from those kinds of charges.

 But no, he'd rather shit on the homeless vets and enjoy a big hearty laugh.

 ...and if he doesn't like it, he can always sue me.

 He said it again:

 One of my favorite all-time Rush Quotes:

 "The reason I toot my own horn is,
   because if I don't --  nobody else will!"

 ha ha

 Pigboy told the truth...

 A Conversation with Tennessee Tuxedo

 Click  Here

 Thanks to Mike,
 Man about Murfreesboro

 I saw in USA Today that former babe Bridget Bardot was fined $4500
 by the French government for saying,

"Our country is being overrun by immigrants, especially Muslims."

 She was fined $4500 for speaking out against immigrants?

 Just think, if the vulgar Pigboy lived in France, he'd be broke.

Is Smirk Pro-Life?

Hi, my name is Gary Graham.
I'm a scumbag.

There's no question I was the street punk responsible for a crime spree in 1981
but I didn't shoot that Arizona man outside a Houston supermarket like they say.
In less than six hours, I'll be a dead scumbag unless the governor steps in.
It's alllllll up to the governor, and his campaign manager.

Hi, I'm the Smirkster, and that nigger's toast.
I'm the governor of Nigger-drag Texas, and I answer to the voters.
I mean, besides, I'm in the middle of a campaign, here.
America is tired of all this liberal "let's-be-sure" crap.

Granted, I said my favorite political philosopher was Jesus Christ, and granted,
there's no way Jesus would have this man murdered, since Jesus himself  was
murdered by Rabbi Schlessinger's people.

But, Jesus didn't want to be president, and I do.
That nigger's toast, and don't try to stop me.

If you don't like the way I snicker and smirk when a nigger gets the needle,
then, by all means, vote for Buddhist temple, I-invented-the-internet Algore.

hee hee hee

I'm going to be president - and you can't stop me!

hee hee hee

 I have some horseshit for you.

 There's a man in Texas scheduled to die at Smirk's hands tonight.
 Gary Graham is supposed to fall victim to Smirk's Swift Sword at midnight.

 Funny, that idiot Smirk claims he has "no power" to stop the Texecution.
 This is horseshit.

 Every person on the Texas Pardon and Parole Board was personally
 appointed by He Who Smirks. To suggest that he's unable to influence
 these blood-thirsty Cro-Mags is too absurd to fool anyone but a ditto-monkey.

 All Smirk would need to do is pick up the phone and say,
 "I want that man alive until we get the facts on the DNA evidence,"
 but Smirk cries, "I don't have that power. I'm powerless. I'm a nobody."

 But that's not even the biggest dollop of horseshit in this story.

 Smirk was whining about the high price of gasoline, saying if Clinton was a good
 president, in he was any good at persuading people, he should be able to contact
 the Saudi Taliban and the OPEC Ministers and convince them to drop their prices.

 Excuse me?

 Did Clinton personally appoint  the OPEC Ministers?

 If Smirk has no persuasive power over fellow-ditto-monkey Texans that he,
 the Smirkster,  personally appointed, how in the wide, wide world of sports
 can he call Clinton names for being unable to persuade some 16th-century
 hanky-heads on the other side of the world to drop their prices?

 Smirk - blow me!

 South Park

 I'm not the biggest South Park fan in the world, but that could change.
 The only show I ever saw was one last year that featured talking turds.
 Mrs BartCop said I could watch it, but not with her in the room.
 (You married men know what that means...)

 But yesterday's USA Today said last night's South Park was pretty funny
 so I checked it out last night. When one of the characters was puking and
 blowing blood out of his nose and experiencing projectile diarrhea,
 she left the room but I had to stay and see how it ended. Know why?

 I read an interview with the SP boys recently, and one of them said
 if somebody gives them some shit, they put him in the next show.

 So, last night's show featured a visit from the NAMBLA group.
 That's the North American Man-Boy Love Association.
 They fell in love with the main cartoon kid (red shirt?) and invited
 him and all his little boy friends to a hotel for some hot, illegal sex.

 Do you know who the president of NAMBLA was in the cartoon?

 ha ha

 Michael Medved, the cowardly, Clinton-hating, self-appointed moralist!
 It was funny as hell, and there's no doubt  it was him.
 The mustache, the curly hair, the effeminate voice - it was him!

 ha ha

 I'm guessing he slammed their "Bigger and Better" movie,
 so the South Park boys got their revenge this way.
 It couldn't happen to a more deserving prick than Medved, either.
 Medved is one of those lying whores who, when someone screws up
 looks behind the culprit's name to search for the "D" or "R,"
 to see if the guy's guilty or not.

 Michael, you big pussy!

 If you think I'm saying anything that's not true - sue me!
 I'll make you more famous than you are.
 But you can't, you cowardly, snot-nosed hypocrite!

 ha ha

 A shot of Chinaco for Trey Parker and Matt Stone!
 ...and two hours later, that same shot for Michael Medved the coward!


 Marc Perkel,  bartcop.com  webmaster and US Senate candidate for the GOP
 has recently switched everything from whatever it was to LINUX.

 I don't know what that means.
 All I know is "magic box brings naked movie stars,"
 but he says some picture links may need to be recallibrated.

 If you find a picture or link that doesn't work,
 please contact  bartcop.com.

Texas GOP is so wacky even Smirk is scared away

GOV. George W. Bush chose to stay away from the state convention
of the Texas Republican Party last week. If you were trying to sell yourself
to American voters as a sane, moderately conservative candidate for president,
you'd have stayed away, too.

The rest of the nation is not nearly ready for the zany extremism of the Republican
Party in Bush's home state. The convention was held in Houston, and here are just
a few of the items in the platform adopted by the delegates:

--The income tax and the Internal Revenue Service should be abolished.

--All minimum wage laws should be repealed.

--The Social Security system should be phased out entirely.

--All U.S. participation in the United Nations should come to an end.

-- The North American Free Trade Agreement should be repealed and
    the United States should withdraw from the World Trade Organization.

-- The federal monetary system should return to the gold standard.

They're serious. The hard right rides at a gallop in Texas.

Another item in the platform declared that ``homosexual behavior is contrary
to the fundamental unchanging truths that have been ordained by God.''

Governor Bush's wife, Pickles, spoke at the convention, and Bush told
the delegates, in a videotaped statement: ``I really don't like missing my
first Texas state Republican convention since 1990.''

(Ediotr's Note: Lying bastard. You could've been there if you'd wanted to,
 but you know your party is too goddamn insane to be seen with.)

The Texas Republican who is running for president ran as far from the weirdness
of his own party's convention as he could get.

 Thinking about switching ISPs?

 Consider this.

Lazio’s Stock Deal Smells Like D’Amato’s
 by Joe Conason

Without any primary contests to preoccupy the would-be heirs of Daniel Patrick
Moynihan, the New York Senate race already is approaching autumnal levels of
partisan acrimony in the first weeks of summer.  Although both Hillary and Rick
Lazio are battering each other over policy issues for the moment, the "character issue,"
that great favorite of the political press corps, appears due for an imminent revival.

And despite the perennial presumption of guilt that has colored so much media
coverage of Mrs. Clinton since 1992, she won’t be alone in defending her
personal integrity this campaign year.

Mr. Lazio flagged his own potential vulnerability when he told Observer reporters
Josh Benson and Greg Sargent that he holds Alfonse D’Amato as a role model.
While he was no doubt referring to the former senator’s reputation for constituent service,
that isn’t necessarily the first description that comes to mind when Mr. D’Amato’s name is
mentioned. As Mr.Lazio’s financial dealings, campaign contributions and official conduct come
under increasingly close scrutiny, Republicans are rediscovering the chief drawback in nominating
a senatorial candidate reared in the dubious political culture of the G.O.P. machine on Long Island.

Meanwhile, however, just in case any voters have forgotten the dog-eared litany of
accusations against the First Lady, a lengthy recapitulation was provided in The New
York Times on June 19 by Neil A. Lewis of the paper’s Washington bureau. (Let it
be duly noted that several weeks ago Mr. Lewis trashed The Hunting of the
President, a book I co-authored with Gene Lyons, in the paper’s book review
section.) The occasion for Mr. Lewis’ piece was a forthcoming report from the
Office of Independent Counsel concerning the so-called Travelgate affair, which has
been under investigation by prosecutors for more than four years. Mr. Lewis moved
swiftly past the near-certainty that the O.I.C. will clear Mrs. Clinton, and everybody
else implicated in that fiasco, of any criminal wrongdoing. More important than her
impending exoneration are the "old questions" that continue to injure her reputation.

Unsurprisingly, his summary emphasized information that would tend to encourage
suspicions about Mrs. Clinton, while slighting or wholly ignoring exculpatory facts.
For example, in recounting yet again the moldy dispute over how her law firm came
to represent Madison Guaranty Savings & Loan, Mr. Lewis strains to contradict her
testimony with statements by her former associate Richard Massey. This was never
a matter of grave importance, as it involves events that took place in 1985. Although
Mr. Massey’s recollections 11 years later varied slightly from Mrs. Clinton’s, he
confirmed the broad outlines of her account. That was the conclusion of the
12-volume report on Whitewater and related matters prepared for the Resolution
Trust Corporation by the law firm of Pillsbury, Madison & Sutro–-which Mr. Lewis
doesn’t even mention. The Pillsbury report might have helped him better
understand those infamous Rose Law Firm billing records. He claims those records
show that, contrary to her previous testimony, Mrs. Clinton worked on an allegedly
fraudulent development known as "Castle Grande." Yet the actual documents prove
that, precisely as she had testified, the project she briefly assisted was known not as
Castle Grande but as the "Industrial Development Corporation" (which Mr. Lewis
inaccurately identifies as the "International Development Corporation").

Still more sweeping was the overall assessment reached by the Pillsbury firm’s
investigators. Based on the billing records and thousands of other documents, the
President and Mrs. Clinton are innocent. The "theories that tie [her legal work] to
wrongdoing ... are strained at best," they wrote. It is hard to see how a fair
summary of these stale controversies could disregard the Pillsbury report’s heavily
documented conclusions. But nobody cares any more about the details of
Whitewater, the Travel Office firings, the F.B.I. files matter or the small fortune
that Mrs. Clinton reaped in the commodities market more than 20 years ago, do
they? No, because the details are convoluted and unsexy. Yet an unfair impression
of dishonesty lingers long after the facts have been forgotten.

Perhaps the Times editors felt this Clinton scandal rehash, however slanted and
incomplete, was needed to balance the paper’s recent coverage of Mr. Lazio’s
lucrative stock plays, which smell a bit like an inside deal provided to Mr. D’Amato
by a Long Island brokerage several years ago. The Times account of Mr. Lazio’s
trading noted in passing that, unlike Mrs. Clinton and many other candidates for
public office in both parties, he has refused to release his income tax returns.

It will be interesting to see whether the Times editorial board, which has examined
Mrs. Clinton’s finances with such zeal, demands full disclosure from her opponent, too.

 Some Outrage

 Click  Here

 The first time didn't take

 Battery Night at Shae Stadium

 The Republican's favorite baseball player, John Rocker, is in New York
 next weekend to receive a few thousand batteries from the kind folks there.

 Like an idiot, Rocker said next weekend, he's going to take the #7 Train
 he made famous to prove to the New Yorkers that he can take the heat.

 I have a question:

 Let's say he gets on the train OK, but is spotted by some brothers who
 know how he feels about blacks and minorities, and let's say Rocker assumes
 room temperature before the train reaches the end of the line.

 Would the Republicans want the black youths charged with a "hate crime?"

 They're always saying there's "no such thing," and that it's "just murder,"
 but wouldn't they want to make an exception for their hero?

Mets fans: Watch the closing doors, John
   By LUKAS I. ALPERT  Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK (AP) -- Riders on the No. 7 train Wednesday offered a bit of
advice to loudmouth lefty John Rocker, who intends to ride the subway next week:
Watch the closing doors, John. Watch 'em ve-r-r-r-y carefully.

"Yeah, let him ride,'' said Wendy Strauss as she rode the No. 7 train to play
tennis at the Arthur Ashe Tennis Center, directly across from Shea Stadium.
"Good luck to him. He'll definitely be hassled.''

Robert Illa, standing at the Shea Stadium stop Wednesday morning, wondered
if the pitcher's promise to ride the line -- the one that he vilified in an interview
with Sports Illustrated -- was just bravado. Rocker and the Atlanta Braves
come to New York on June 29 to face the Mets.

"I don't think he has the guts to get on this train,'' Illa said. ``This isn't Atlanta.
He may be able to pull this stuff down south, but this is New York.''

"I'm taking it to Shea Stadium,'' said Mets fans' public enemy No. 1.
"I won't be in a cab. I won't be on the bus. I'll be on that train.''

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani said he hopes Rocker reconsiders his idea to ride the subway.

"We're asking the Atlanta Braves to not let this happen,'' Giuliani told WFAN radio.

Giuliani said he expects a ``tremendous'' police presence for Rocker,
estimating 450-500 officers working  in connection with the visit.

But Rudy, are these the same Central Park cops that do nothing while women
are being attacked?   It figures they'd jump in to help a big bruiser of a lout.

 Promise me,
 no matter what
 no matter how bad it gets,
 you will not feel sorry for Smirk.


 The plan is to destroy Smirk beyond all recognition,
 and then the Democrats will talk truce with the Cro-Mags.
 We're going to destroy Smirk as pure payback for Clinton.
 He's fucking smoke.

 DNA doesn't link Blair to slain girl
   DA discounts test's significance
 © 2000, The Dallas Morning Whore

 Full  Story

A new round of DNA testing has called into question a second piece of
physical evidence that condemned Michael Blair to death row nearly six
years ago for the abduction and murder of Ashley Estell.

Results of independent genetic tests filed Tuesday in a federal court in
Midland indicate that a hair found on the floorboard of Mr. Blair's car
"could not have originated from Ashley Estell,
 Michael Blair or any of their maternal relatives."

 It's hard to keep up, because Smirk executes a suspect every fucking week,
 but isn't this the third innocent man in a row to escape Smirk's Swift Sword?

From: bmaher@abc.com


They say the weather was so nice in Texas today,
Smirk said they should have their execution outdoors!


ha ha

 Wanna buy a Vette?

 Here, I got one for you.
 We haven't heard much about the word "vette" as in, "he's been vetted."

 ha ha

 This is so good.

"Vetted" means you've been able to put-to-rest every bullshit story that has
 ever surfaced against you and your family and it's no longer a problem.
 Between Gore and Smirk, who do you think has been "vetted?"

 ha ha

 Smirk is the billy goat that ate the dynamite on the Andy Griffith show.

 I have an example for you.
 You know the Gore handlers are at least 50 times smarter than Ol' BartCop,
 and I thought of a question that might be effective if asked at the right time.

 Let's say the race is a tight one!
 We're three weeks away from the election and it's the final debate.
 Gore won the first debate, somehow Smirk won the second, and everyone
 knows the White House will probably go to the winner of the final debate.

 It's the rubber match and we're almost out of time.
 It's a 90-minute slugfest for the most powerful position on the planet.
 There's only a few minutes left, and they get to ask each other a question.

 Smirk scores a sharp jab about Gore's real role in the novel, Love Story.
 Al has one last shot at winning this debate, so he asks Smirk,

"Governor, .....how do you think your father handled Ruby Ridge?"

 Smirk: ....Uh....

 ha ha

 What's he going to say?
  I guarantee you, Smirk's standard answer for that question is,
 "I don't dwell in the past. My vision is for America's future, yada yada yada,"
 and that'll work on the no-brain whores of the press but not in the final debate.

 Smirk in the hot seat!

 ha ha

 I think that's a goddamn show-stopper.

 So think of the better, more intelligent traps Gore has ready for him.
 Gore is bringing a gun to Smirk's knife fight.

 ha ha

 And what possible trap could Cotton Candy spring on Gore?
 How effective are Buddhist monks if the face of Randy Weaver's late wife
 is broadcast in a two-shot with that smirking frat-bastard from Texas?

 Al Gore couldn't lose this election if he tried.

 ...and I hope to bring it to you live, from the debate auditorium,
 if the unknown millionaire would just write me that check - so hurry!

Somewhere out there ...Alec Baldwin, or Goldie Hawn or Robin Williams or Tom Hanks
or Don Henley or Chris Rock or  Caroline Kennedy or somebody unknown wants to see
this convention covered BartCop-style so send me that check!

 A place you'll like

 Click  Here

 Ask BartCop

 From: (withheld)

 BartCop, can Bush win the White House without winning California?

 ha ha
 ha ha
 ha ha
 ha ha


 ha ha
 ha ha
 ha ha
 ha ha

 Paul Begala Shoots the Bull

 It seems to me that Bill Richardson is doing everything he can. He's called in the
 FBI, he's placed six managers on suspension, he's asked Republican Howard
 Baker and Democrat Lee Hamilton to conduct a bipartisan inquiry and he's
 promised strong disciplinary measures. And those congressional Republicans
 who are hammering Richardson ought to keep in mind what Congressman
 Norm Dicks of Washington observed:

 That Richardson had asked the GOP Congress for $65 million to improve security,
 but only received $11 million. It's hard to do the job if you're not given the tools.

 Mail Bag

 From:  brendan@wildduckbrewery.com

 Subject: Celebrities

 Was just in the car listening to Limbaugh - he was ranting on and on about
 how liberal activist groups recruit mindless yet sellable celebrities to front
 their various causes and that the celebrities really are only interested
 in scoring points with the socially conscious.

 I wonder if Charlton Heston and Ted Nugent fall into this category.
 And if so who would they be scoring points for?



 When I think of "mindless celebrities," I think of Ronald Von Reagan.
 Reagan never had a clue, even before his Alzheimer's flared up in 1977.
 I always thought Reagan was like Ronald McDonald - a decent spokesman,
 but not the guy you'd want to talk to if you got a bad cheeseburger.

 Stroke Me, Stroke Me

 "George Bush doesn't have much to do with the oil business.
  Al Gore is the real oil man in this race," Rush says.

 "Didn't his dad own "gazzillions of dollars worth of shares" of oil stocks?"

 From:  erik7007@hotmail.com

 Subject: millionare

 I'm an aspiring software designer and one thing I really want to see
 is you stick it to Pigboy. From what I hear if I get good enough
 I can make a shitload of money in my business and if I ever get
 the money I'll gladly hand it over to you, then I'll sit back and
 watch that shit eating puke get what's comming to him

 Erik Miller

 ha ha

 Erik, aspire fast.
 I predict Pigboy will retire this January, due to his strokes.

 Great True Quotes
   From the New York Times…

  "Can you imagine how much it hurt,
   to know that Dad's idea of the perfect son was Al Gore?"

     --Smirk, the Texecutioner

 June 21, 2000

 Guest Editorial
  Ediotr's Note: I met this gentleman when I owned the Hard Rock Island  rock n roll club
  in Knuckledrag, Oklahoma in 1985. He played bass for one of our top-grossing and
  most-popular acts, "MX."  Since then, he has "taken the initiative in creating"
  a successful  insurance agency whereas I ....have not.

  If you have the bad fortune to live in the greater Knuckledrag area,  contact Cliff
  for some good, honest insurance quotes.

 From: downingc@webzone.net

 Howdy from the ol Rock Island days. Hope everything is going good.
 I really like your editorials on your site. Hell I even agree with most of it.
 I know this is off the subject of the upcoming elections.
 When I e-mailed it to our lovely republican step child Steve "don't bother me
 Pat is telling me what god said" Largent I got a fairly "Negative" response.
 That Fucker is an asshole. Anyway I'm really into working with kids and the
 whole issue of what a sorry place we've created for them to grow up.

 In Defense of Parents.
  by Cliff Downing

 Is it just me or is there nothing wrong with giving money to people when
 their only disability is that they are too fat? In the mean time we have parents
 that are being driven away from their children because for one reason or
 another they don't have the money to pay Child Support and Taxes and have
 anything left over to pay an attorney so they can access the court system.
 (We'll get into the "all the justice you can afford to buy" argument later.)

 These individuals are forced into poverty because our elected officials do not
 want to give tax breaks to help non-custodial parents or parents whose children
 do not live with them because of divorce or other situations. Popular sentiment
 and the Media have unfairly characterized these people as "Dead Beats."

 Not once has it ever been mentioned that many single people, not just parents,
 have a hard time financially. In this day and age it is almost impossible for a
 single person or one income household to "get ahead" financially. When we look
 around we normally only see the financial area of a persons life improve when they
 get married. This is because in most families the husband and wife both work.

 This TWO income arrangement is not only given tax breaks but also has the
 immediate effect of nearly doubling the purchasing power of the household.
 However, under the current tax structures single parents that pay child support
 are not only unmercifully penalized with huge child support payments by the courts.
 (I know of a case where an individual was left with only $100.00 per month to
 live on after the child support payments and BEFORE taxes.) They are then taxed
 unmercifully by our current tax structure because they are single.

 In fact, many of the single parents I know of that pay child support eventually end up
 so financially destitute that they are forced to move back in with THEIR parents.
 (Please do not confuse this with the group of "Dead Beats"
  who never actually leave their parents house in the first place.)

 One solution would be special tax exemptions or INCENTIVES for single parents
 or SINGLE INCOME HOUSEHOLDS that are required under court order to pay
 child support. This tax "break" would actually have two benefits:

 It would provide some well needed relief for non-custodial parents.  It would reward
 rather than punish all those "Dead Beat Parents" for  paying their child support.
 Think about it. We are purposely making in more difficult for a group of parents to
 support their children and at the same time we are giving food stamps to people
 whose only disability is that they are too fat. In the meantime the only people that
 stand to loose anything are all the fat cats in Washington that are waiting to spend
 the tax dollars that are collected. In all honesty the savings in the cost of prosecuting
 these "Dead Beats" in court would probably more than offset any drop in tax revenues.

 From: Time Magazine

 Can Bush Afford to Sign This Death Warrant?
 Weeks after granting death row inmate Ricky McGinn a reprieve, the Texas
 governor finds himself face-to-face with another questionable execution

 This pesky death penalty thing just won't go away.

 Gov Smirk, who has presided unflinchingly over 131 executions during his tenure,
 is in the spotlight again as the legal murder of  Gary Graham looms ever closer.
 Graham will die Thursday unless Smirk recommends a reprieve.

 Graham's imminent death, hard on the heels of Ricky McGinn's reprieve,
 could be far more damning to Smirk than McGinn's execution.

 So what's a staunch defender of the death penalty like Bush to do?
 Any move he chooses will be risky. "If he grants Graham a stay, he'll look
 very political in eyes of death penalty supporters," says TIME's Jay Carney.
 "Here's this governor who's signed off on 131 executions, without looking back,
 and in three weeks, he's considered two cases for leniency?"

 On the other hand, if Texas executes Graham, and he is exonerated posthumously,
 Bush's reputation as a glib executioner could achieve its full bloom.

 ha ha

 Squirm, Smirk, squirm!

 Give us a preview of how strong President Smirk will be!

 ha ha

 He's gotta ice this guy, he has no choice.
 If he doesn't, if he postpones the execution,
 he'll be sued by the families of previous fryers.

Dueling Quotes

"I will go to my grave regretting that photograph of me in an anti-aircraft
 carrier, which looks like I was trying to shoot at American planes.
 It hurt so many soldiers. It galvanized such hostility.
 It was the most horrible thing I could've done. It was just thoughtlessness."

       -- Jane Fonda, who feels terrible

"Of course I traded Stinger missles to Iran and lied about it under oath.
 President Reagan ordered me to. That deal was a work of art, ha ha."

      -- Ollie North, who's so very goddamned pleased with himself

From: American Politics Journal -- June 19, 2000

Lax Los Alamos Security Tied to 1992 Bush Measures

 by Tamara Baker

Monday, June 19, 2000 -- SAINT PAUL, MINNESOTA

-- Gentle Reader, it's happened again.

No sooner do I whip out a quick column for Ampol and send it off, than I
get an e-mail with information that would have been absolutely perfect
for that particular column.

Today's instance concerns the FauxGate surrounding the Los Alamos hard
drives, which once were lost but now are found.

It seems, according to a June 16, 2000 article in the Alberquerque
Journal by Ian Hoffman, that the penny-wise and pound-foolish budget
cuts of the Bush Administration are what made the misplacing of the
drives possible in the first place:

No one in the federal government had to do more than LANL did
because no checkout sheets, no tracking or inventories have
been required for information classified as secret since May 1992.

The reason: too many secrets. Defense contractors balked at the
time and expense of bar-coding and tracking every classified
document from creation to destruction. The Bush administration
agreed and rolled back the rules.

"They said this is such an extraordinary amount of effort,"
explained the Federation of American Scientists' Steve Aftergood,
head of the Project on Government Secrecy and a leading proponent
for limiting classification to the truly valuable secrets,
then protecting those well. "Given the expanding volume of secret
level material, it was almost an inevitable decision."

Tracking and inventory bar codes were first dropped in February
1991 for non-nuclear weapons data that were classified
secret, then in May 1992 for all data classified as secret.

Only information classified as top secret - the small amount of
nuclear weapons data with the highest classification - remained
bar-coded and inventoried.

I strongly suspect that, as word of this travels around, this particular
FauxGate will be put out of our misery pretty darned soon.

Meanwhile, the GOP is still refusing to give Los Alamos the money it
needs to  do its job.

As Paul Begala has pointed out in a recent column, Secretary of Energy
Bill Richardson (who, by the way, is Gore's lead pick for Vice President
-- which is the main reason the Republicans want to bludgeon his agency,
using DriveGate as the tire iron) asked for $65 million to improve security.
The Republican Congress only gave him $11 million.

To quote Begala directly: "It's like ordering someone to paint a fence
that requires seven buckets of paint, then griping when he can't get the
job done -- even though you only gave him one bucket of paint."

But this is how the Republicans deal with government in general. One of
my nearest-and-dearest works for the Social Security Administration. My
N-&-D tells me that the GOP Congress has for years now been using some
not-so-subtle attempts to wreck SSA, so they can keep claiming that the
system is broken beyond repair -- so why don't we just turn over the
Social Security trust fund to the GOP's big brokerage-firm donor buddies, eh?

This is why we need to boot the GOP out of the driver's seat this November.

 Molly Ivins is always right.

 Click  Here

From:  radiofreenorthpole@hotmail.com

Bill, for one, is just an outright liar and filanderer.

Compared to whom?


Compared to whom?

Do you understand how stupid your accusations sound?

He lied about Lewinsky, he's had every single sexual assault accuser audited,

There was one step-into-the-spotlight claimant, who owns her own business.
It's not unusual for the self-employeed with many questionable deductions
to be audited over the course of 20-30 years.

he loves taking credit for that which he was not responsible,

Too stupid for a response.

he uses government agencies (HUD, DOJ) to attack perfecly legal
businesses (read: fascism).

Objection: assumes facts not in evidence.
(read: hosejob)

He attacks those Americans whom hold memberships
in perfectly legitimate organizations (read: NRA).

Attacks? How? Verbally?

I don't even want to get into the executive orders he's provided.

ha ha

The fact that he's had such a cloak of scandals over his administration
does not fair him well either, no matter what their validity.

ha ha
Make him stop!
Invalid accusations are bad?
So stop making them!

I don't agree with a lot of his politics or policies, but that's neither here nor there
because we can argue all day long about that. Pretty much, he's a meglomaniac...

Compared to whom?
List for me, if you would, the Republicans who have run for president in our lifetime
who never wanted any personal glory, who just wanted to make America better
for the children, who didn't have a big ego, who just wanted the chance to serve.
Go ahead, we'd all love to see that list.

Hillary is worse.
She's tried to put a socialist stamp on this government, and it's fortunately failed.
And it's completely obvious that she's only working in her best interest running for NY senate.

How do you think you can get away with that?
I could say, "Pickles Smirk is OBVIOUSLY only out for personal glory,"
but would that wildly inaccurate statement prove anything?

How does your side gain a goddamn thing if you throw rocks at Hillary?
Since this is America, why don't you let the people of New York decide
if they want Hillary to represent them? Got something against democracy?

Why not Arkansas? Why not Illinois?

ha ha
Why not a duck?

Honestly, explain to me why you think she's running for the NY senate seat.

Santa Inthemorning

If she's committing the worst crime in history, why not arrest her?
What she's doing is legal?
How can that be?

Truth is, New York is too small for Hillary.
She has experience at representing the United States, not some piddly-ass
little corner of the country, but it's the closest fit she could find.

Santa, answer two questions for me, honestly.

1. What was your hobby before it was Clinton's Cock?

2. Do you own a rifle with a scope?

cc: tips@treasury.gov

From Our London Correspondent

Subject:  Health care

From:  piratecorps@onetel.net.uk

Don't know if this report has made the US press - if it has, then Rush
is probably using it as another excuse to go UN bashing, but the World
Health Organisation has just released a report ranking the various
health care systems of the world.

The full report is available at http://www.who.int/whr
Here are some higlights from the table:

1 France
2 Italy
3 San Marino
4 Andorra
5 Malta
10 Japan
17 Netherlands
18 United Kingdom
19 Ireland
26 Saudi Arabia
27 United Arab Emirates
28 Israel
30 Canada
32 Australia
33 Chile
35 Dominica
36 Costa Rica
37 United States of America
38 Slovenia
39 Cuba

Of course, this doesn't show that anything is wrong with healthcare
in the US, and you'd be a fool and a communist to say so...


Nick, thanks for that.
Yes, it's a shame our health care is such a pitiful, political mess.
Bill and Hillary tried to fix it, like they fixed our economy, but the GOP said,
"That's 1/7th of the economy. It's too big to fix.  It's too biiiiiiiig!"
They said we'd all lose our choice of doctors, but we don't have that now.
They used scare tactics and people reacted with fear.
The very worst ones were the pussified democrats who ran like rats and refused
to stand with their president. Years later, Clinton is still on top and those
Benedict Arnold's (Sorry about that, Nick) are nowhere to be found.

So, we kept the old, broken system where a single aspirin costs $90
and a simple broken hand can cost $15,000, and we remain behind places
like Chile and Costa fucking Rica in health care, and just barely ahead
of under-funded hellholes like comminist Cuba.

We deserve it.
We're a nation of cowards.

Subject: October Surprise Take II

From:  jsw1@hotmail.com

Now, we all KNOW that there is no such thing as a right-wing conspiracy.

But isn't the timing of the oil company price-gouging just a little too
convenient for ol' George W. Bush?  Not ONLY do these companies stand to
make record profits for the year 2000, but it also gives the Republicans a
little extra ammo to throw at Al Gore.  Funny how the states where the gas
prices are at the highest in the country are the states which Bush needs
most desperately to win, but has the lowest chances of doing so:  Ohio,
Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin.  Thats a lot of electoral votes.

So what are the chances there was a little deal under the table?  Anybody
think it remotely possible that somebody like George W. Bush (who is from,
um, which state again?) might be able to push a few pieces of legislation that
are VERY beneficial to his Houston buddies in the dead dinosaur business?

 Ask BartCop


 Subject:  Smirk committed Fraud?

 Dear BartCop,

 Did Shrub Cash His Nat'l Guard Checks While AWOL?
 Just wondering...would that be some sort of fraud?



 It is decidedly so,


 I should be ashamed of myself for even printing this, but it's a good
 example of how the idiots continue to lie to themselves, so I thought
 I'd get out the heavy-sarcasm stick and beat them with it.

 Click  Here  unless you have something of value to do.

 Ediotr's Note: I was unsuccesful with my heavy-sarcasm stick.
 Sometimes things can be so stupid, the parody falls flat by comparison..

Read  Previous Issue

 Go     bartcop.com

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