Volume 246 - Longevity Has It's Place

 August 16, 2000 I

Hillary Arrest-Proof?

From:  young@erim-int.com


I was watching the lovely First Lady speaking last night when the oldest
boy, age fifteen, informed me that he knew why she was running.
It's because she's guilty of something, and as a senator she can't be tried.

Hokey Smokes, Bullwinkle!  In my amazement I jumped all over the poor
kid with $100m and 8 years and they never laid a glove on her, etc, etc,
etc.  I said that being a senator doesn't make one immune from
prosecution, and he said his teacher told him so.  Then he left the room
and wouldn't talk about it anymore.

Is it possible his teacher, a public school teacher, mind you, told him
that the NY senate campaign is about immunity from prosecution?
What were they thinking?


I'm not exactly sure, but there is a law that prevents, say, some GOP sheriff
from arresting a bunch of Demo senators a few hours before some big vote.

Maybe a legal person could write in and explain?
By the way, I hope you're into corporal punishment.
Sounds like sombody needs straightnin' out :)

 Did Smirk Pay for an Abortion?

 Larry Flynt says he did.
 Today, on KROQ in New York (isn't that Stern's station?) Flynt said
 he couldn't give details until legal cleared it, but has he ever been wrong?

 He was right about Newt's girlfriend.
 He was right about Bob Barr's abortion.
 He was right about Bob Livingston's affairs.
 He was right about Henry Hyde's family wrecking.
 He was right about Dan Burton's secret bastard.

 Is he right about Smirk?

 Hey, Larry - you're two weeks late :)

 John McCain Has Skin Cancer

 LOS ANGELES (AP) - John McCain has been diagnosed with a recurrence of skin cancer.
 The cancer is melanoma, the most dangerous form of skin cancer, GOP officials said.
 Doctors found the skin tumors on his arm and temple, the official said.

 McCain planned a news conference Friday to discuss his medical condition.
 He has canceled a number of campaign appearances.

 Big Fight

 Subject:  Jimmy Page (I'm a guitarist)

 From:  Cheffeller@aol.com

    Well, sir, I don't know how to play the Wanton song, never tried. But
just by looking at it last night, it seemed pretty simple. Mostly power
chords, which is what a lot of Zeppelin stuff is. In fact, most of their
harder rock songs are really really easy; the rhythm parts, anyway. Then you
get into his solos (back then) which have my fingers tongue-tied. But in
their simplicity, Page has that knack of making it sound really good.

 I admit I'm unarmed in this fight - I don't play.
 But when I owned that rock club, I heard dozens of guitar players
 saying Page was a real monster and they wished they could do what he did.
 Lots of times you can tell just by the tone of their voice they're speaking
 with great respect, as some might with Hendrix or SRV. This is the first
 time I've seen the word "simple" to describe Page's playing.

    Some people have claimed the phrase, "simplicity is the key." I differ on
that. There's a lot of simple stuff out there that's just crap. Rather, it's
pulling off that simplicity and making it sound great which makes it that
much better. Neil Young is another good example of this. But I digress.

    Anyway, I think most of Page's talent lies in their acoustic songs. Even
Page says he considers those his best works. And yes, he uses some "funny"
tunings sometimes. They're not really anything revolutionary or individual to
him, but he uses them well. (Hell, any guitarists ever check out the tunings
Sonic Youth uses? Fuckin crazy.) For example, the Rain Song. Typical tuning
on a guitar is E B G D A E. On the rain song, it's E D A D A E. So you have
this nice octave jump on the 2nd and 3rd strings. Drop the bottom and top Es
to Ds, and you have even more of a jump. Fun for droning and improvs. I've
used that tuning myself a couple times. But I think overall Page uses
standard tuning, from the songs I've learned to play.

    Crtitique on Page's solo last night: Er, I think he sounded old, heh. You
can't figure out where he's going because it really wasn't all that fluid. I
heard him a couple times go to play a lick, kinda flub it, and redo it. And
he was just kinda slow and basic, skipping around a lot. But one shouldn't
really expect him to be as on and fluid and crazy as he used to be.

 Koresh, I wish I knew what I was talking about.
 Most guitar players play a note for every eighth note, or whatever I mean.
 But Page sometimes plays seven notes in an eight-note box, and it's not
 that he missed a note - sometimes he stretches those seven notes out
 proportionately divided into eight segments. He did that a couple of
 times in that Wanton Song solo.

 I know so little about the terminology, but I've spent thousands of
 hours listening to clear recordings of his life stuff, and that crazy playing
 has always been his style. Some people say he can't play it correctly,
 some others say he's so good, he doesn't want to be restricted to the
 normal boundaries assigned to the guitar.

The thing about him disregarding time signature I don't really get. If
you mean that in some of their songs they don't stick to a simple 4/4 time,
or switch time signature within a song, ok. But otherwise, I mean...ever
listen to jazz?

    I try to avoid jazz whenever possible. I'll see if I can post some 5-second
 examples of what I'm talking about, but just as an example, I've seen him
 do soloes where he'd jump from lead guitar into some staccato chord-thing
 and back in just a second, and there's nobody else that had that kind of
 disregard for convention - at least that I've heard. Maybe Bonham was
 creating odd-shaped boxes for Page to fill. I've never heard anybody
 do what Bonham did, either. Geez, you talk about a guy with a healthy
 disregard for convention.

    Do I come off 'dissin' Page some? I don't mean to. He's pretty dern
great. Would I call him "god"? No. But I don't play favorites either. And I
like this Black Crows with Page tour idea. I haven't really heard anything
from the Black Crowes since their first two albums, but they're really the
only band around now that so well captures that blues-rock, late late 60s,
through mid 70s rock and roll sound. In the mainstream, anyway. Others try
and it just ends up so washed out. Too many contemporary influences or
something. Black Crowes cite the Rolling Stones as one of their key
influences, and they nail it. And Chris Robinson (lead singer) is the
perfect, er, "replacement" for Robert Plant. I think Page is probably having
some good fun on this tour.
    So there you go. Any more specific questions, feel free to ask, and I'll
try to answer.

 Let me do this jimmypagejimmypage so I can search for your note later,
 but I'd like to post a very short example of what I mean.

 By the way, I've been meaning to mention this forever, but I have a unique
 videotape, (shot in my house, that's why I'm sure) of the best non-wealthy
 guitar player I've ever heard getting a guitar lesson from a guy.
 When I discovered this guy was in my house, I put a camcorder on his
 hands as he explained where-no-man-has-gone-before guitar techniques
 to this best-I-ever-saw guitar player named Rick Del Castillo.
 This is the kind of tape you can watch/listen to for 10 seconds and say,
 "Jesus, this is like nothing I've ever seen before."

 Wish I played guitar so I knew exactly what the others were raving about.

 That guy speaking is voting for Nader.

 Smirk's Legal Flip-Flop

 Click  Here

 Stroke Me, Stroke Me

"The GOP convention in Philadelphia was a well-oiled machine."

 Rush is right again!

 Great Comedy Quotes

 "This election is still about Clinton's tallywacker."

      -- Talk show host Bill Maher


 Someday, Joe Conason will write an article I don't like.
 That day is not today.

 Click Here

 Ediotr's Note: This column embargoed till 8/21

 God Injured

 Former Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page and the Black Crowes have
 scrapped the rest of the second leg of their tour because of a recent
 back injury suffered by the most inventive guitarist in rock history.

 No word on when canceled shows, planned to run thru August 30
 in Houston, will be re-scheduled. The tour's next legs begins Sept 23.

 Who's Afraid of the LA She-Thing?

 Click  Here

 Freerepublic.com has a piece in which Larry Flynt is claiming
 on a radio station that W. paid for someone to have an abortion.

 But Smirk told Baba Wawa that abortion was the taking of a life.

 Will the GOP elect a baby-killer?

 ha ha

 Sure they will.
 They want that tax cut.

 Great Press Quotes

 Not long ago America faced a choice between sober, sensible fiscal
 discipline and huge, irresponsible tax cuts. We chose discipline,
 and were rewarded with growth beyond our wildest dreams.

 So why would anyone today propose exactly the kind of irresponsibility
 we were lucky to avoid four years ago?
     -- Paul Krugman, New York Whore Times

  Subject:  Last night

  From: jbhigdon@townsend.com

    A couple of things:

1.  I usually watch the convention on C-SPAN because I can't stand the idiocy
    of the yammering whores.  But C-SPAN blew it, or Joe walked in at the wrong time.
    The camera left the film screen when Joe came in.
    On the screen, Stephen Hawking was endorsing Al Gore.

    I think I would have rather watched the most brilliant man on Earth
    endorse Al Gore than watch Joe shake hands.

2.  Michael Moore:  M.M. seems to feel that there is no difference between D's and R's.
    Being that he is a man who sells himself as the "voice" of the worker, I can point up a
    huge difference in three words.  Air Traffic Controllers!

    Shit!  Some people have really short memories.
    Either that or Alzheimer's disease is more devastating than I thought.
    Reagan can't remember his presidency, and the people who were screwed by it can't either.

    Jim H.

 This Just In...

 Steve Largent, (R-Jesus Twin) just told K-Drag AM Radio that
 he was "surprised" at both party's choices for the presidential nominations.

 Steve, your coaches told you not to run those routes over the middle,
 but you wouldn't listen and now your thinking process has more big holes
 than the car they found Bonnie & Clyde in.

 Let me explain it to you, Steve:

 Smirk was handed $100,000,000 and your party's nomination without a fight
 because the GOP owed his daddy a big, big favor from 8 years ago,
 and also because he wasn't involved in the Great Clinton Cock Hunt.

 Gore was picked because he's the most qualified person on the planet.

is attacking JoeL for working, eating and drinking on the Sabbath.

 Of course, if JoeL refused to work, eat and drink on the Sabbath,
 Drudge would attack him, too, but with larger type.

 Drudge is a very small man.

 Bill Maher is having a busy week

 Tonight - Joe Lockhart

 Thursday - Penn Jillette; Barney Frank;

 Friday - Al Franken;

 Monday - Ralph Nader;

 Eilene Smith's Must Read Column from AMPOL

 Click  Here for AMPOL's temp

 Click  Here forever

 I had no idea what I missed working Monday night.

 Dennis Miller

 How do you not love a guy who refers to Al Michaels as Gordon Gekko, compares
 Dick Vermeil to a pepper-sprayed female poet and thinks officials are throwing penalty flags
 more accurately this year because "the specter of Johnnie Cochran" is hovering?

 ha ha

 The stuffy purists of sports broadcasting can remain embalmed in the last century.
 Feet up, irreverence flaring, Dennis Miller was such a hoot Monday night that I can't
 wait for the next Monday night. There are those who call his addition to the most
 sacred booth in TV a form of blasphemy, a desecration of the holy testosterone temple.

 They should be banished to an attic with a lifetime supply of Frank Gifford tapes.
 The rantmonster, I suspect, is here to stay. In his second appearance in jockland,
 my favorite social satirist was looking to find a balance between comedic timing and
 passable football knowledge. He thrived in both arenas, firing off an impressive flurry
 of infonuggets and observations while turning an unwatchable exhibition blowout into
 a must-hear howltrack from start to signoff.

 This was a closer version of the HBO Miller, the wickedly sarcastic Miller. No one
 was immune from his slashing barbs. Enjoying himself very much at Nashville's
 Adelphia Coliseum, he figured a certain Tennessean might be peeking in on this
 pseudo Super Bowl rematch between the Titans and Rams. "You know Al Gore is
 watching," Miller said. "Not only is this his hometown, the Rams are the only team in
 football that changes positions as frequently as he does."

 He was just warming up. Minutes later, 26-year-old blond Melissa Stark, who
 supplanted 46-year-old brunette Lesley Visser as a sideline reporter, was interviewing
 Titans owner Bud Adams. He's a man known for an interesting wig. "The field is grass,"
 Miller noted. "What do you think, was that artificial turf I just saw?"

 ha ha

 You could only wonder what the billionaire boys club--the control freaks who own
 NFL teams and run the league--was thinking. What would the loon with the mike
 say next? The answer came when Michaels mentioned that the Rams changed their
 uniform scheme after winning a championship. "The new unis are nice, but I'm not
 sure I would have changed anything after last year," Miller said. Told that it involves
 merchandising, he shot back, "Al, you're not telling me that money is at ground zero
 of this decision. Raw, exposed commerce!"

 And couldn't you hear several personnel executives, including Mark Hatley of the
 Bears, cringing when Miller took them apart for passing on Tennessee's Jevon
 Kearse? He knew enough about the 1999 draft to realize Kearse went much too
 low at No. 16. "If I'm an owner and my GM passed on him, I'm not sure he's my
 talent guy anymore," Miller opined. "I don't want to highlight any names. But 16th? I
 don't care what the combine numbers said. The kid comes off the corner like
 Houston McTear."

 No wonder the staid Michaels and the stiff Dan Fouts were numb by game's end.
"This was the longest game I've ever been in," Fouts said to Miller. "You dropped
 the drunk from Drunkenmiller and made yourself Dennis Miller."

 Never mind the boors. Rant on, Dennis the Menace. What better mix for the masses
 than insight and humor? The Miller idea was the brainchild of Don Ohlmeyer, a
 creative TV guy from way back, and David Israel, who was smart enough to leave
 his gig as a Chicago Tribune sports columnist and flee to Hollywood. They weren't
 sure Miller would be interested in their crossover experiment. Little did they know
 the guy was a closet sports nut. "I've laid on a couch in my undies for the last 30
 years watching football on TV," he said. "I'm a lot more passionate about football
 and the history of football then I am about comedy and the history of comedy.
 I take football very, very seriously."

 Sometimes. Opening the telecast, he broke down the Rams' coaching transition from
 the high-strung Vermeil to the businesslike Mike Martz. "Vermeil," Miller said, "was
 an emotional man who seemed to cry more frequently than Sylvia Plath being
 pepper-sprayed." Sylvia Plath? Not exactly a reference known to your basic
 WSCR, bet-$500-with-Knuckles listener. Plath was a '60s American poet known
 for violent imagery. Isn't your life better for knowing that?

"Martz is the velvet assassin," Miller continued in his professor glasses, "a man who
 has a taste for the jugular like Lestat. Not a bad deal for the Rams, Albeeno."

 Albeeno is Michaels. The golden-voiced dictator laughs at Miller's jokes, but
 knowing the size of his ego and his zeal to be the center of attention, maybe he
 regrets running Boomer Esiason out the door. Clearly, Miller will dominate,
 broadcast tradition be damned. "It's a football game. I can't get that depressed
 about it. It's not like Vietnam," he said in a recent conference call. "I always throught
 Dean Martin did a nice job on TV, so I would like to be Dean Martin in a gold blazer."

 He knows his football. He just happens to present it differently than the rest. Of
 ancient Tennessee guard Bruce Matthews, brother of former NFL lineman Clay, he
 said, "Much like Levi Strauss, the bottom line is in the genes." Of Titans receiver
 Carl Pickens, who escaped Cincinnati, he said, "The Bengal stripes were prison
 stripes for Pickens. Now he gets to kick the warden's butt twice a year." He even
 showed a sense of compassion, saying of Trent Green, the injured quarterback who
 watched Kurt Warner take his job and spin a fairy tale: "He's a very classy kid.
 You know it had to break his heart to see them go on that magical mystery tour."

 Then came the fun. As Titans offensive coordinator Mike Heimerdinger covered his
 face with his game plan, Miller cracked, "Looks like Mike had a cold sore tonight."
 When someone held a "Hi, Dad" sign, Miller said, "Hi, Dad? The guy holding the
 sign is 75 years old." And when young Rams QB Joe Germaine entered:
 "This kid is like 5 years old. He looks like Danny Bonaduce."

 The only thing America didn't hear was an expletive. He did use a few too many
 outer-space phrases like "cyclotron," suggested he was in an S.J. Perelman story
 (who?) and became the only man ever to compare Green to Russell Crowe.
 "You know," he said, "it's so loud in here,
  I'm not sure I can hear myself not thinking clearly."

 Keep thinking the way you think, madman. We love you.
 "Start blow drying Teddy's hair," he said just past 9,
 referring to Ted Koppel in his trademark closing line.
 "This one's over."

 The rant, thankfully, is just beginning.

 Subject: Dynasties

 From:  mcgriffy@io.com


 Why, given that one of the complaints about the shrub is that he's only
 there because of his parentage, are the Democrats trotting out the
 biggest dynasty in their party?  Sure, JFK and Bobby were some of the
 great men of the last century and the current crop seem to be pretty
 good speakers.  But perhaps they could have featured JFK in the context
 of other great Democrats and spread the Kennedy speaches over several
 nights to avoid the family succession angle.  Then again, the press
 don't seem to be calling them on this one.  I wonder why not?

 I guess the truth is that parentage and connections actually count for more
 than any of us care to admit in both parties.  As long as the Demo's focus
 on qualifications of the actual candidates, they've got it made.


 David, I cried when I read your letter.

 It made me think, "What if?"

 Wouldn't it have been nice to see Martin Luther King Jr onstage?
 Rumor has it the man could give a speech.

 Wouldn't it have been nice to hear Bobby give a speech last night?
 Bobby would've been president, I have no doubt.

 Wouldn't it have been nice to see Jack Kennedy at the podium last night,
 with his grey hair and his expanding waistline, talking about what he
 accomplished in his eight years in office?

 But no, we didn't get to see any of that last night did we?
 You know why?

 Because they were all fucking murdered.

 Give the Punditry a Rest
   Oh, won't you pleeeeease shut up?

 All you talking heads! All you drama critics! All you media buzzards ripping
 apart President Clinton's convention speech nanoseconds after the last lip bite!

 Clinton family members were still scrambling on stage to wave when the pundits
 pounced.  He showed "no sense of real respect for the party," carped presidential
 historian Doris Kearns Goodwin on PBS.

 Excuse me? The man has just implored the Democratic convention to secure
 his Democratic legacy by voting for the Democrats. No credit?

 His praise of Vice President Gore was "boilerplate," offered Michael Beschloss,
 another PBS panelist.

 As opposed to what? Something more specific like, "Al Gore
 makes the best tuna salad in three counties"? The President said
 one of the greatest decisions he ever made was choosing Al.
 He said Al is the only politician who understands the impact
 technology will have on the future. That's boilerplate?

 Moving on to First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton's speech,
 journalist Haynes Johnson said she had "confused people" because
"she's a candidate for Senate, she's First Lady, she's introducing her husband. ..."

 Believe it or not, Haynes, that's really not too difficult for us to understand.
 Dim though you must deem us, we get it. We know she's up there multitasking.

 In fact, we know plenty of other stuff the pundits never give us credit for.
 For instance: How many times have you heard the experts proclaim,
 "Al Gore must distance himself from Bill Clinton's scandals"?

 Probably more than you've heard your mother say, "Drink your milk."
 ha ha
 But I would guess that every man, woman and Gingrich understands just fine
 that Gore had zippo to do with Bill Clinton's peccadilloes. So all this discussion
 of "distancing" is just blather. We are not holding him accountable for Monica!
 He's distant already! Duh!

 The torture that is TV political analysis does more than just
 belabor the obvious but that's certainly still a strong point.
 Thus, regarding Hillary Clinton's address, Beschloss griped,
 "You had a sense she was reading from text."

 A sense?
 You were positive she was reading from a text!
 You could see the TelePrompTer! I suppose Beschloss thinks TV
 anchormen just extemporaneously describe the news every night!

 Goodwin, meanwhile, added that Hillary delivered her speech in a "singsong,"
 and "there didn't seem to be emotion connected to words."

 Well, maybe it's time to stop looking for emotion connected to
 words and start looking for action connected to words. Hillary's
 speech described how she spent the past 30 years working for
 children's rights, women's rights and adoption rights. Doesn't that
 imply a connection to her words, even if her voice is singsong?

 Besides, what is Hillary aiming for an Oscar or a Senate seat?
 So why talk about her delivery at all? And didn't we just see it for ourselves?
 And shouldn't we decide if we found it sincere?

 In Olympic events, it makes sense for a panel of experts to pass
 judgment on a performance we've all just witnessed. They're the
 ones who can tell when a triple lutz was a 9.7, not us. But in an
 appeal to the people, it is up to the people to evaluate.

 Under the guise of offering us wisdom and perspective, postmortem pundits
 actually preempt our own analysis. At worst, they end up swaying our opinions
 before we've had a chance to form them ourselves.

As another politician put it recently: It is time for them to go.

  From: sabutai@ix.netcom.com

 Subject: Will Bush Start Drinking Again


 I was talking to a friend on the phone last night.
 We were talking about the upcoming election.
 The conversation came around to what Dubya would do after he lost the election.

 Do you think Dubya will return to his drunken ways?
 All we need is another Drunk Texan.

 I really do pity Pickles if that happens.
 She should pack up and leave for several months.
 Look what happened to Heston when he tried to fuck with Gore!

 Laura the Martyr - Feeling the Heat

 Yes, her little kingdom is starting to crumble, and she's in a panic!
 Right now, she's swearing she never said anything about "biological errors"
 and she claims she never called gays "deviants."

 She says she's been lied about, and no newspapers will print the truth
 because .... well, she never said what was powering the "great conspiracy"
 behind getting her off the air, but she had real fear in her voice today.

 Like that great Oklahoman Anita Bryant, her open hatred of gays,
 and using the Bible to hide behind when she attacks them,
 is getting bigger than her career and her money niagra is in danger.

 Oh, no!

 Think how horrible that must be to be a money-grubbing whore
 and your agents and accountants and lawyers and press people
 come to you and tell you your money niagra is starting to trickle.

 Panic, Laura.

 Procter & Gamble,
 American Express,
 United Airlines,
 Amica Insurance,
 TCF Bank,
 Kroger Food Stores,
 Red Lobster,
 are ALL jumping ship, because nobody likes a Nazi.

 So what does little Laura do?

 Does she stick to her guns?
 Does she stick with her "profound" religious beliefs?
 Does she stick with her Bible?
 Does she take the heat "like a man?"

 No - whores don't do that.

Whores, especially the richest ones, follow the money - every nickle.

 Like Pigboy, she can't get by on the $72,000,000 she got for
 her hate show's syndication, and she can't live on the $12,000,000
 they pay her every fucking year to generate MORE hate, so she's selling out.

 She's taking it allllllllllllll back.

 "I never said those things!"
 "I never said anything like that!

 ha ha

 Squirm, bitch.

 Watching the LA She-Thing lose her career will be fun.
 And it's less than 30 days until the premier of "Dr. Laura Hate TV!"

 Maxine Waters Again

 This lady is almost starting to piss me off.
 She's on the front page of USA Today, happy as a clam, cheek-to-cheek hugging JoeL.

 That's fine, but USA Today "goes to bed" around 9PM CST.
 Last night, at 10:35 CST (fully documented here by  bartcop.com)
 she was whining to any camera that would have her about JoeL
 being a threat to something, probably Gore's election chances.

 If she was happy before USA Today went to press,
 why was she bitching at 10:35?
 What did JoeL do to her between press time and 10:30?

 Democrats are lining up to cause Gore problems.

 The press would love more than anything to get a black/Jew war
 going just as this race heats up. If you watched last night, I don't think
 there was a single interview with a black delegate who wasn't asked
 if they were comfortable with Joel being such a Jew.

 If blacks, gays, women, unions, trial lawyers and teachers would
 bite their tongue and pretend there's something real at stake here,
 Gore could win this easily, but the press wants a story!

 Folks, if you don't use your head, you'll have the satisfaction of telling
 private citizen Gore he should've listened more closely to you in 2000.

 Low on Nazi Hate?

 Click  Here

 Newest wild rumor

 Clinton will help Hillary get elected to the Senate, then have her killed.
 Then he will "graciously accept" the appointment to her Senate seat.

 That theory is very plausible, if you think Rush is God.

 Yesterday was the biggest hit day ever at BartCop's Treehouse.
 Over 320 hits, Swear to Koresh!

 I have a feeling that might level off some, tonight.
 I'm not sure Smokin' Joe can keep up with Survivor, and West Wing,
 and Big Brother. By the way, West Wing is shooting in the Staples Center
 after the convention, not sure why.

 One rumor says the second season will have flashbacks to how Bartlett
 got elected, (war room scenes and stuff) so maybe they're re-enacting
 his rise to power. I guess we'll find out in a few weeks.

 So, tonight might not be New Years and Fourth of July combined,
 but Thursday is probably going to tell us who the next president will be.

 I'm going to go to my local spirits store and get a bottle of you-know-what
 and watch the President-elect make his case for continuing the miracle.

 I'm inviting everyone to join me Thursday night for cocktails.

 You don't need an expensive bottle of you-know-what to participate.
 You could grab some MGD at the 7-11, or just drink a Mountain Dew,
 but let's watch Gore draw a map of the future Thursday night and try to
 gauge whether America buys into Gore's vision.

 Of course, we'll have full coverage of Smokin' Joe tonight,
 but Thursday will be a hueueueueueuege night for the Democrats, Americans,
 and most importantly,  bartcop.com

 By midnight, I'll know if I'll be driving a 1990 Cavalier or something else.

 Thursday Night!

 Have you heard the latest on that stupid Russian submarine?

 Now that it appears the men are all dead,
 now the Russians say they'll accept help from the West.

 Good move, guys.
 Now that 118 brave men have had their lives snuffed out,
 you dorkos want help recovering your precious sub?

 And the damn submarine is in 350 feet of water.
 350 feet!
 I think BrainSmasher, Sabutai and myself could've rescued that sub.

 350 feet?
 Wasn't the Titanic down 10,000 feet?
 Koresh, no wonder their sub sunk.
 Russia doesn't know Smirk about underwater anything.

 Why didn't they ask for help when the men were still alive?
 Are they so afraid we'd discover their super-sub technology?
 Their damn subs are made of Lincoln Logs.
 Hey, Russia - we have our own sub technology, thank you.
 We probably could've saved those men in a couple of hours.

 ...and I can't even blame organized religion for this one.

 ha ha

 You can call Clinton a lot of things,
 and they have,
 but nobody calls him "stupid."

 Before BrainSmasher, Sabutai and I go to the Berents Sea
 to help the idiot Russians raise their sub in 35 feet of water,
 BrainSmasher had time for a quick column.

 Click  Here

  August 15, 2000
 Demo-Con 2000 - Night Two


 Jesse in the house!

 ...and he's rhyming!

 Attacking GOP phony-baloneys in Philly, good start.

 One country - one flag!

 Go, Jesse!
 Give those bastards hell for waving that slaver flag!
 Our time has come!
 Go, Jesse!

 Damn, he got to talking fast, and that was good stuff!


 Jesse's getting revved up!

 We have two teams, good and evil!
 Jesse Helms, Dick Armey, Barr, Lott!
 The evil team...

 Go, Jesse!

 Bush/Cheney want to give the surplus to the rich.
 Don't let them!

 ha ha

 Go, Jesse!
 This land is OUR land!

 He's going after Smirk!
 Don't Mess with Texas?

 Go, Jesse!
 Pound them!

 Don't Mess with America!

 Jesse's doing so good, I hope he wears a vest on the way out of there.
 The GOP doesn't cotton to niggers who don't play the game.

 Pound them, Jesse!
 Pound them!

 Stay Out The Bushes!
 Stay Out The Bushes!
 Stay Out The Bushes!
 Stay Out The Bushes!
 Stay Out The Bushes!
 Stay Out The Bushes!

 ha ha

 Tell them, Jesse!
 Tell them what Smirk will do.
 Tell them what this ditto-monkey gang of thugs will do to blacks
  if we don't have a Democratic president to stop them!

 Tell them, Jesse!

 More with Gore!
 More Health Care with Gore!
 More Education with Gore!
 More Wages with Gore!
 More Health with Gore!
 More Freedom with Gore!
 More Strength with Gore!
 More Security with Gore!

 ha ha

 Go, Jesse!

 8 PM

 Are you sitting down?
 The Fox News Whores didn't like the speech.
 "The same old chestnuts from conventions past," they whined.
 You'd think being almost-citizens, those niggers wouldn't complain so much...

 I'm getting real antsy about Caroline.
 I could miss the Bill Bradley speech, and still have a full life, but now that I've
 heard Jesse, I want to hear Teddy and I want to see Caroline, the star of the night.

 I wonder if she's nervous?


 Little Miss Sharp Tongue is having a bad night.

 She and Mara Liasson should get a bottle of gin and a room.

 On Fox, they're trying to get John Lewis to say something bad about Jews.

 ha ha
 Pound them John!

 Look, it's Maria Shriver on MSNBC.


 She interviewing Jesse the Body!
 (picture not avail)
 Jesse says the Demos shouldn't run from Clinton.
 Smart man, Jesse.


 Thank Koresh, we're getting a submarine update from Tom Clancy on 8-Wives.
 Nothing like having an "expert" on to say, "anybody's guess."

 Next on 8-Wives - Christopher Reeve.

 Brokaw says Caroline coming on at 9 PM CST

 Forty years ago this week...

 Uh-Oh, if you're on MSNBC, you have to put up with this yammering clown,

 Tim, have you ever previewed what you were about to say in your head?
 You seem to say any goddamn stupid thing that pops into your head.
 Next to Russert, Tom Brokaw comes off as scholarly.

 Caroline will introduce Teddy?
 I guess that was Teddy's price to ask her...

 Geez, how many more of these do we have to watch every hour, every channel.
 Can we re-negotiate that treaty?

 This Goo-Goo guy says he's voting Gore because "Bush scares the livin' shit outta me."

 ha ha

 Hey, Cuomo just told 8-Wives that JoeL is going to be dynamite tomorrow night.
 He says JoeL is killer at the podium.

 Cuomo wouldn't lie, would he?

 We know last night was monster.
 We'll know in an hour if tonight will be.
 We know Gore will rule!
 If Cuomo says Joel is killer, could be a good week.

 ha ha


 Twenty minutes until Caroline speaks.
 If Bill Bradley runs long,
 they'll use a giant hook and pull his ass off the stage, right?

 Since this is Caroline's first speech, she shouldn't be rushed.


 Joel  in the House!!

 He wants to see Caroline, too!
 JoeL, mobbed like a rock star!

 Secret Cervix has to whisk him away for safety's sake.

 Brit Hume?

 Why do you put dye in your hair, Brit?
 Everybody knows you're very old, so who you foolin, huh?

 Bill Bennett on 8-Wives with Ma Richards.

 You know, he's never been convicted of a crime?
 He was never even brought to trial.

 Should a guy that heavy, and that old, smoke that much?


 Carville on MSNBC

 Pound them, James!

 ha ha

 You think this is a partisan attack?

 "Stand by," he says!

 ha ha


 That good Democrat Christie Brinkley on Leno tonight.

 Brokaw says Caroline is up next.
 I'm more nervous than a fat dog in a Korean lifeboat.
  (Homage to Dennis Miller)

 9 PM

 Waiting for "Her."

 On Fox, the Beltway Assholes are reading Caroline's speech.
 Hey, guys! Go screw yourselves - ler HER give the damn speech.

 She looks great!

 First mention of JFK, first standing ovation.
 She's being very mature, very reasonable.
 I don't think she'll be doing any pounding, but we can still hope.

 Clean air, clean water - vote Gore!

 Oh, Christ, now she's talking gun violence.
 "It's up to us!"

 That's creepy, thinking of what she went thru.

 Damn, she's already done.
 I was hoping they'd let her go longer...

 I wonder if Teddy's ever tried the Chinaco?

 I think he's going to get serious...
 "Seize the moment"

 "I've only supported two other tickets this early and with
  this level of enthusiasm, and they were my brothers!"

 ha ha

 It's pounding time!!

 Go, Teddy
 Call Smirk a liar, then do it again!

 Funny, Ted doesn't have that slurring, speech impediment Pigboy always plays.
  Pigboy, I'd like to smack you real hard, you know that?

 Let there be NO mistake - there IS a difference.
 Health care is life and death, don't let Smirk fuck it up!

 ha ha

 Teddy just said "fuck" on TV.

 Pound them., Ted!

 He's taking a stand on health care, and he's pissed!
 Don't let Smirk turn our health care over to his bribe buddies!

 Will we comfort the comfortable?
 Or make it better for everyone?

 Pound him, Ted!

 Whoa, he just quoted Mr Spock.
  The "few vs the many" thing from IV

 Dare to dream again!

 Wait, he's done already?
 Why are they finishing so soon?
 For Bradley?

 I sure hope Bradley doesn't come out whining.
 If Bradley comes out whining, I'm going to phone in a death threat.
 Not to him, to Pigboy,  ha ha

 There goes Russert again, grabbing at Clinton's cock.
 Let it go, just for one week, would you Tim?

 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
 Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,

 Tim, are you getting paid by the cock?


 I'll make a deal with Bradley.

 If he gives a good speech, and doesn't whine, I'll ease up on him.
 But if he goes after Clinton or Gore, they'd better boo his ass off the stage.


 I'm back - damn computer shut down again.
 While I was down, Bradley was whining!

 "I ran for president this year - and I have the scars to prove it!"

 Hey, Bradley, get over it!
 Buck up, and take it like a man!
 You think you got scars?
 You were in the wading pool, son.
 You wanna see scars, check out Smirk in 90 days.

 ha ha

 He's getting better now, staying on the "health care" theme.
 (Smirk is so guilty on HC, that's why they're pounding him)

 The little girl said, "it wasn't my turn to eat today..."


 OK, so Bradley has gone up a few points on the BartCop Stock Exchange...

 (CNN broke away so Al Hunt's wife can talk to Caroline and Teddy.
  That might be the smart move.)

 Caroline is talking women's rights, rights they'll lose
 if that Mama's boy never-worked-a-day-in-his-life loser
 somehow squeaks into the most powerful chair in the world.

 Boy, Caroline looks great, doesn't she?

 That "smart women" thing has been all over this convention.
 I wish I knew how to fine-tune my video grabber.

 Well, isn't wasn't the barn-burner I was hoping for, but it still was a successful night.
 Jesse had the best speech, I guess that was always the "conventional wisdom."
 Maybe now that Caroline has broken the ice, she'll be a regular.

 Tomorrow is JoeL vs Survivor, will anybody be watching the Democrats?

 10 PM

 Caroline and Teddy with Tom Brokaw.

 Thanks, NBC, for keeping "Mr Tim Clinton's-Cock" away from Caroline.
 Thanks, NBC, for keeping your yapping dog muzzled.

 Oh, shit. I spoke too soon.
 There he is.

Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,


 Just caught a snip of Jon Stewart's show.
 He said last night, when Clinton told everybody,
 "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow," he spoke so long, it was tomorrow.

 ha ha

 I'll bet somebody else wrote that, but it's still a good line.

 His guest is Bob Kerry.
 Remember, he apologized for the "Clinton liar" remark last night.
 Why did he wait 5 years to do that?

 I could've been a fan of his if he knew how to keep his eye on the ball.
 Like that "misunderstanding" Zepp and I currently have.
 He could call me any goddamn thing in the world in some e-mail to me
 or on my page, but to go "public" and attack me on michaelmoore.com
 just felt like a knife in the back. It was a very uncool thing to do.

 Kerry had no business attacking Clinton in public, either.
 He should've picked up the damn phone or gone over to the White House
 and said, "Goddammit, you screwed that up, Mr President."
 Calling Clinton a "very good liar" enabled the GOP shits to say,
 "Everybody knows Kerry is an honest man."

 You can attack in private, just don't do it where Rush can get hold of it,
 which is why it's hard to get over the Bradley thing, too.

 Any time you sling a slur at your own party member,
 all you're doing is feeding the vulgar Pigboy,
 and if you've seen him lately, you know he doesn't need feeding.
 That should be Job One for the Democrats.
 Stop giving the vulgar Pigboy quotes.


 Bill Kristol just told a whopping big lie.
 He said Clinton wasn't mentioned tonight because the Demos are "schizophrenic" under Al Gore.

 Hey, asshole!

 If they had mentioned Clinton, you pricks would say we can't live without him.
 For weeks, you idiots have been saying "Clinton refuses to get off stage,"
 and now that he's gone you want the new team to talk about him a lot?

 Does anybody know?
 Is Kristol related to Russert?


 Jesse is making the rounds on TV.
 Let's try a game:

 When he gets to MSNBC, lets count the seconds before Russert the Prick says,

Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,
Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,
Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,
Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,
Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,
Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,

 Russert and the vulgar Pigboy.
 More alike?
 Or more different?


 Here we go again!
 Maxine Waters has a problem with JoeL.

 Hey, Maxine!
 Don't run to the nearest news camera!
 Pick up the goddamn phone and call JoeL and say,
 "If you won't talk to me, THEN I'm going in front of a camera."

 Democrats can be so suicidal.

 Wish I had a shot of Chinaco, but I'm saving that for Thursday.

 From:  rhill@netegra.com

 Subject: Question

 Let me first say that I do not belong, nor have ever belonged to any
 political party. I vote depending on what my reading of the situation is at
 the time. I have voted for Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, you name it.

 But, the question I have for you, as a non-party-member is this. If Bill
 Clinton really does deserve the award for "best performance as an American
 President," then why is it that Al Gore, after 8 years as his vice
 president, and half of the "Clinton Gore" equation, is still running behind
 Bush in almost every single poll?

 Roy Hill

 Forgive me, but let me answer with a question.

 "If that football team is so good, why are they behind 10-7 in the first half?"
  Actually, our game doesn't even start until Friday.

 Smirk is unknown - a blank slate.
 People want to think he's as he seems, so "compassionate."
 When Gore gets thru with him, he'll be unmasked, and ten points down.

 Ted Nugent Comments on Columbine

 DENVER (AP) - Former rock star and current gun loon Ted Nugent suggests in his new
 book that students could have stopped last year's Columbine High massacre by
 simply rushing one of the two gunmen.

 Nugent, a director of the National Rifle Association, and one of their smartest members,
 also wrote that the bloodbath proved kids should be allowed to carry concealed weapons.
 Nugent, 51, autographed copies of his book, "Gods, Guns and Rock N' Roll,''
 Monday at a bookstore as two armed police officers stood by to protect his unpopular ass
 from the public, who hates him.

 Tom Mauser, whose son Daniel was one of the 12 students killed at Columbine,
 called Nugent's statements ``despicable.''

"I think he's living in this fantasy world where kids are crybabies if they
 don't fight back against somebody holding a gun,'' Mauser said.

 From: corone@zdnetonebox.com

 Subject: Donald Sutherland

 Saw Donald on the Regis and ??? show.

 He had a good line about when he went to Houston.
 "You know you can eat the air there"

 ...too bad he didn't add "Thanks Smirk"


 P.S. terrific convention coverage

 From: AtticusGump@aol.com

 Subject: The Late Show

 Tomorrow night at 1235am on The Late Show with Kilborn:

 Al Franken vs Ben Stein

 "Revolting" Kathleen Willey Says She'd Do Lazio

 Disgusted by back-to-back Clinton convention speeches last night,
 Kathleen Willey broke a long silence to say she's willing to help Rep. Rick Lazio's
 Senate campaign against Hillary Rodham Clinton.

 Willey hammered the First Lady as a mastermind of White House efforts to discredit
 Willey after Willey tried to get $350,000 for her wild accusations.

 "I've had about a bellyful of these people," Willey said.

 ha ha

 I could, ...but I won't.
 There are kids and old people who read  bartcop.com

 ha ha

 From: j_mason@ameritech.net

 Subject: Circle Jerking Whores

 Bartcop, without you I'd be lost, or trying to find a baseball game.
 It is because of you that have a level of interest in politics, and have
 learned how to watch the so called "news" programs.

 By covering both conventions, you did all the hard work, you actually
 watched and paid attention (as best you could). Me, I've tried in bits
 and pieces, and then found myself need a few drinks to get my head
 clear. Thanks to you there have been two things I've been introduced to
 (aside from the Chinaco): the news channels are myopic, circle-jerking
 whores, and C-SPAN.

 C-SPAN, which brings the convention to my den and allows me to use the
 picture-in-picture ability of my TV to a great benefit. I get a no
 frills delivery of all that is going on and in the truest sense of
 having something reported, and my getting to decide! With my Sony, I can
 switch the audio between images, which makes the little box perfect
 whenever I see some talking whore trying to look serious.

 However, it is with C-SPAN (and you) that I'm realizing just how skewed
 these circle jerking whores really are! They aren't watching the same
 thing that I am, I say that because whatever they say seems to suit them
 for the moment. Not just the electronic outlets but the print too. Its
 as if every pundit has decided that they have been wowed and amazed a
 few weeks ago, and anything they see is either predictable or irrelevant.
 What a bunch of phony, duplicitous, shallow, and hypocritical whores!

 I'm glad I found C-SPAN because I see what 9 hours of coverage is all
 about, not 30 minutes of highlights surrounded by hours of moaning about
 how disappointed these whores are.


 John Mason

 C-Span is great for unfiltered news, but I like watching the Cro-Mags
 on Fox because there's nothing on C-Span to ridicule - this week.

 Jimmy Page/Crowes MP3.

 Got some e-mail asking for this.

 Entire Song about 6 meg

 Just the solo about 1.5 meg

 I don't know if this was the most overtly sexual song Zeppelin ever did.
 Koresh knows Robert's horn honked more than Clinton's ever did.
 As the band went from city to city, there were willing nubiles everywhere.
 And this was before sex could kill you.
 Check out these disputed lyrics from The Wanton Song

 Sighing woman in the night, she came,
 took the seed from my shaken frame.
 Same old fire, another flame, and the wheel rolls on.

 Silent woman through the flames that come,
 from the deep behind the sun
 See my nightmares, my lovin' gun
 Left me barely holding on.

 Drop and roll, Robert!
 Somebody hose this fella down...

 From: rhill@netegra.com

 Subject:  Down on Jesse

 While he's not busy rhyming, I wonder if you know if Jesse Jackson has
 solved any lynchings in Mississippi lately, and proven wrong two forensic
 scientists' (one hired by the hanged man's family) conclusions of suicide.

 Or does the right Reverend get a pass when it comes to grandstanding on a
 family's grief and race-baiting to keep himself in the public eye?

 Roy Hill

 Roy, you seem so certain.
 If Jesse wasn't involved, who would be?

 What if Jesse's right?
 How does a pathologist prove nobody held a gun to his head
 while somebody threw the rope over the tree?

 That won't show up in an autopsy.

 From: gsmith@hhpn.com

 Subject: Liberals owning guns


 You wrote:

 >If the Religious Reich ever gets control of the White House and Congress,
 >they will attempt to force their insanity on us sane people.
 >Then there will be a Great Civil War,
 >which is why every liberal should own a gun.

 You are exactly right. There will be a civil war.
 If the fucking GOP win this one, I'm gonna buy a gun Nov 8th.
 I'm a peace-loving liberal, but I believe in self-defense.


 From: riderscramp@earthlink.net

 Subject: Question

 Did the Fair and Balanced crowd read the republican speeches early
 AND ruin them the way they did with the First Lady??

 Bill Heald

 No, of course not.
 "Fair and balanced" only screws with liberals.

 If I was the Democrats, I'd refuse to give Fox a copy of the speeches,
 and if they complain just tell them:

 You are whores.
 Whores can't be trusted.

 From: bstanley@citicom.com

 Subject: Ted Nugent


 I thought you might be interested in this morsel regarding Ted Nugent.

 I was on the bus from Ann Arbor to Detroit back in '70 or '71
 when Ted Nugent, myself, and many others were being shuttled
 to our pre induction draft physical.

 Nugent had a dead mouse stuck up his ass hole.
 The doctors lined us up, face forward, naked, and spread eagle
 for the famous hemorrhoid examination and there it was!

 During the bus ride home, Nugent bragged about bamboozling the doctors with the rodent.

 You may remember several members of his band, the Amboy Dukes were drafted,
 but the able bodied Nugent got to keep rockin and rollin because the doctors HAD to think
 he was a screwy queer...Showing up for his physical with the tail of a rodent sticking out his butt.

 Now Nugent is considered to be some sort of right wing rock icon.
 He makes me want to puke.

 - Bill Stanley

 Ediotr's Note: Be sure and  Click  Here  to visit Bill's webpage,
 the Boot Newt song parodiy page.

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