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Volume 1029 - Wanda

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 Wednesday  March 26, 2003 


"American intelligence agents have been torturing terrorist suspects, or engaging in
 practices pretty close to torture. They have also been handing over suspects to
 countries, such as Egypt, whose intelligence agencies have a reputation for brutality."
    --The Economist

"We expect our boys to be treated nice."

 U.S. Finds Nothing at Iraqi Chemical Plant
  So why didn't the CIA phoney it up?  Were reporters watching?

  Click  Here

 U.S. military investigators have found no evidence that chemical weapons
 have been made in recent years at a suspect chemical plant secured by
 U.S. troops in southern Iraq, a senior defense official said Tuesday.
 Before the war, American intelligence agencies had identified the Najaf site
 as a possible part of Iraq's chemical weapons program, the official said.

 Underestimating the Enemy
     by Gene Lyons

  Click  Here

 Now that the fighting has begun and it's clear that the bewildered little man
 with the cocky swagger and the fear in his eyes has staked his political future
 upon overthrowing Saddam Hussein--as odious a tyrant as the U.S. has ever
 armed and supported--one can only pray that American and British soldiers
 get the job done quickly, with maximum effective force and minimum loss of life.

 Alas, it's already beginning to look as if Bush's advisors, serene in their certitude,
 have badly underestimated the Iraqis' willingness to defend their homeland
 against foreign invaders.

 The Thirty-Year Itch

  Click  Here

 Three decades ago, in the throes of the energy crisis, Washington's hawks conceived of a
 strategy for US control of the Persian Gulf's oil. Now, with the same strategists firmly in control
 of the White House, the Bush administration is playing out their script for global dominance.

"Controlling Iraq is about oil as power, rather than oil as fuel," says Michael Klare, professor
  of peace and world security studies at Hampshire College and author of Resource Wars.
 "Control over the Persian Gulf translates into control over Europe, Japan, and China. It's
  having our hand on the spigot."


 "I'm sick of being told how brilliant our enemies are and how our troops
   are going to get whupped up on by some K-Mart Hitler."
           --Ralph Peters, NY Post, 03/25/03

 "Who said he was another Hitler?
  Saddam doesn't concern me."

 Oscar follow-up

 In a veiled protest against the war, which went totally unreported, Bono sang
"The Hands that Built America” from Gangs of New York, changing two lines of the song:

 It's early fall, there is a cloud on the New York skyline,
 Innocents across a yellow line.


 Late in the spring, yellow cloud on a desert skyline,
 Some father’s son, is it his or is it mine.

 And, Jon Stewart wondered why Hollywood voted Moore the Oscar for
 his outspoken social criticism, then booed him when he did what he does.

 But did they boo?

 John Horn of the Los Angeles Times reported that “as Moore’s speech reached
 its crescendo” the producer and director decided “to cut him off. ‘Music! Music!’ they yelled.
 The orchestra quickly drowned out Moore and his microphone receded into the floor.

 Most of the Hollywood audience smiled and applauded, but stagehands, who were close
 to the microphones, booed loudly, making it appear to a television listener that Moore’s
 criticism of President Bush was not well received.

 The funniest woman in the world gets her own TV show starting tonight on FOX.
 Wanda Sykes stars in Wanda at Large. She plays a smart-ass, on-location reporter.

 Did you see her on Leno Monday night?

 She said when Roman Polanski won Best Director, Scorcese had a look
 on his face as if to say, "Who you gotta rape in this town to get an Oscar?"

"Michael Moore wasn't too popular after the Oscars - he couldn't get into any
  Oscar parties. I saw him at Denny's, and they were serving black people before him."

 The previews for her show have been great - let's hope the show is as good.

 Also, and this just might be blasphemy, but she was wrote jokes for Chris Rock
 for the five years when he rocketed into the position of funniest man in America.

 Was Wanda the power behind the throne all this time?

 Have you heard?

  is coming...

Pretty soon we'll need one of these for Saddam.
Why do they keep saying that getting Saddam's not important?

 Subject: one person

 I've heard the excuse that "one person can't do much".
 If everyone takes that attitude, then what will happen.
 And what happens when that one voice is magnified by thousands, or millions?
 It starts with one, each and every one.


 The only bad news is, when a million people take to the streets to protest
 Bush's illegal quagmire, Rush and FOX News will say "Hundreds of people were there."

 International law a la Carte
     by Nate Perry at

  Click  Here

 "...Iraqi POWs were paraded before U.S. cameras as "proof" that Iraqi resistance was crumbling.
 Some of the scenes showed Iraqi POWs forced at gunpoint to kneel down with their hands behind
 their heads as they were patted down by U.S. soldiers. Yet neither the Bush administration nor a
 single U.S. reporter covering the war for the major news networks observed how those scenes might
 be a violation of international law. Then on Sunday, the same U.S. networks apparently "forgot" about
 the earlier scenes of Iraqi POWs and took up Rumsfeld's charge that by showing videotape of U.S.
 POWs, the Iraqis had contravened the Geneva Convention Relative to the Treatment of Prisoners
 of War. "It's illegal to do things to POWs that are humiliating to those prisoners," Rumsfeld said.

"We play by different rules."

 24  finally returned to TV last night.

 Beautiful but stupider-than-Bush Kimberly,

 Is she stupid, too?

 ...swear to Koresh, ...she got kidnapped again.

 But this time with a double-dipper bonus!

 She got kidnapped in the closing minutes by a deranged convenience store owner,
 and mere seconds later she was taken hostage at gunpoint by the guy who shot her kidnapper.

 ha ha

 I couldn't get in this much trouble in 50 lifetimes.

 She starts out kidnapped and she doesn't have the brains to realize it.
 Then, she sees kidnapper two assault and disable kidnapper one (she didn't know)
 so Kimberly whips out her Smith & Wesson. It's a lot like the one I kept nearby in
 my desk at work,  'cept I like the four inch barrell, she had a duece.

 Oh sure, I could've gotten the six-inch barrel or even the Dirty Harry eight-inch.

 Have I told this story before?   Wait, there are two stories here.
 Back when I was a second-story, black-bagger, I dabbled in gold.
 And by that, I mean I personally owned about six American Eagles,
 (value $300 each) which is an American Krugerrand.

 Sidebar in an old story:
 Have you ever seen the old SNL when Harry Shearer (now doing The Simpsons voices)
 did a fake commercial on SNL trying to sell white people, "Niggerrands?"

 It was a Krugerrand (like I got time to look up the spelling) but the black gentleman
 depicted on the coin had really big lips.  It was as funny as it was outrageous/disgusting,
 but SNL was changing America back then - they needed license to break the rules.

 Anyway, I'm at the Monster Gun Show in Tulsa around 1990.   I had that Krugerrand
 and another couple of hundred on me and I saw a Dirty Harry gun for sale.

 Holey Moley - a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum, with an eight-inch barrel.
 that can blow your head clean off!

 Hell, this was waaaay pre-Brady, too.  I saw a gun I wanted, I had the cash, (the Krugerrand
 and another $180, I think) so I bought Dirty Harry's eight-inch barrel gun and took it home.
 I put it on a chair and took pictures of it like I'm f-ing nine years old with a new baseball glove.

 The next day I took my bad-ass, eight-inch Dirty Harry status symbol to the Tulsa sHooters Gun Range
 and I asked the gun bartender for "Fifty shots of .44 Magnum loadature, please."
 He handed me a tray of .44 mag bullets and I strutted onto the range in my best cock walk.
 I was the man.  Stay out of my damn way because I got Harry's eight-inch and a tray full of bullets.

 So I get to my cubicle, and spread my stuff out.
 Putting those giant bullets in that giant gun was hell.
 So this is how the House Impeachment animals felt...

 Anyway, I'm all loaded up, and they make you wear these ear brassiere's, which I hate.
 Damn, when I do the radio thing I gotta wear ear brassiere's all the time I'm doing it.

 Eventually, I'm all ready to be Dirty Harry so I point at the paper target of a human outline
 that's supposed to be human. (I don't use the Gordon Liddy "Bill and Hillary" targets.)

 So, I get ready to fire and I realize this damn thing is heavy.
 I mean, I could lift it OK and everything, but you know how in the movies when a cowboy
 holds a guy at gun point for two hours? You ain't holding this gun on nobody for two hours.

 Finally, I shot the damn thing and it was like a bomb going off in my hands.  I'm no gun expert,
 ...I've fired maybe a thousand rounds in my 49 years, but this felt like nuke-yu-ler fission in my hands.
 This thing should be on a tripod or wheels and be manned by a team of people.

 At the next Gun Show (a week later) I traded by eight-inch and $100 for my first Glock,
 That was a smart gun purchase, and smart is a good thing to be with handling firearms.

 It feels like Halle Berry's breast in my hand.
 It doesn't fell like Dirty Harry at all.
 Like a good poll cue, if you can eliminate the bridge between your mind and your hands,
 whatever you think is going to happen. If it's your ass, that's important.

 I don't mean to praise guns.
 I just think they're necessary in a country where criminals and Republicans own 80,000,000 guns.

 But anyway, just to close out this part (standing ovation) after kidnapper 2 nearly killed kidnapper 1,
 Kimberly whips out her S&W .357 with the two-incher.  ...Kidnapper two approaches her.
 She points the gun and says, "Stop or I'll shoot," but he didn't stop and she didn't shoot.


 You always shoot, especially when it's on TV.
 If you shoot the guy who just shot the convenience store guy, you get a medal.

 In double, extra-closing, then there is the Tahoe story.


 ha ha

 Remember in one of the most recent Sopranos, AJ told that future Playmate of the Year
 that his family's Tahoo compound, just like The Corleones, was really cool?
 And she said, "Really?"

 And AJ said, "No, I was lying."

 It was 1992, I think, my birthday in September, and we flew Southwest to Fresno and drove to Tahoe.
 I was the spy then, making lots of money, but I ran out of cash while gambling drunk, but I remembered
 to bring along an American Eagle, a certified, better-than-cash legal currency. I ran afoul of the Odds Gods
 and needed a temporary liquid cash infusion, but the casino (I think it was Harrah's) refused to accept solid
 American-guranteed gold so I could lose more money to them.

 The lady in the cash cage said, "Willie's Coin Shop in Reno will be open Monday."


 I'm crazy on Wild Turkey 101 (long time ago) in Tahoe and I can't
 gamble with a solid gold coin backed by the 'merican government?

 Who says no to solid gold?
 In a tavern with gambling machines?

 But anyway, ...those are my two Krugerrand stories.

 VCR Alert
  ...with a massively obscene bad language alert

  Click  Here

 Sorry this issue was so late.
 I've been waiting for Internet Explorer to open.

 Iraqi convoy heads toward American forces 
  I don't think I like the sound of that

  Click  Here

.U.S. officials gave conflicting reports about Iraqi troop movements. Some said a huge convoy
 of perhaps 1,000 vehicles and members of Saddam's elite Republican Guard were moving south,
 in the direction of Marines making their way toward the capital of Baghdad.

 But Brig. Gen. Vincent Brooks, briefing reporters in Qatar, said, "We've not seen any
 significant movements of the type of force" described.

 What happened to the "shock and awe?"
 It appears Iraq isn't in much awe, and let's hope the shock isn't ours.
 We need to get this mess mopped up real damn fast.

Only a whore could love this war.


"They will be handled not as prisoners of war, because they're not, but as unlawful combatants.
 Technically unlawful combatants do not have any rights under the Geneva Convention.
 We have indicated that we do plan to, for the most part, treat them in a manner that is
 reasonably consistent with the Geneva conventions, to the extent they are appropriate."
    -- Rumsfeld, January 2002, telling the world and their rules to fuck off

"Fuck the rules.
  My name is Bush."

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" Mogadishu, we actually won the tactical battle overwhelmingly - 20 dead Americans,
  a thousand dead Somali militiamen. At the end of that fight, we had thoroughly broken
 "General" Aideed's forces. Then President Bill Clinton, the most frightened man on earth,
  declared defeat. The U.S. Army's Rangers were ordered home in humiliation, after winning
  a tough but enormous victory. President Bush may have his faults, but he ain't going to cut
  and run on our men and women in uniform."
            --Ralph Peters, NY Post, 03/25/03

 Hey asshole, you need to be straightened out.
I've never heard Mogadishu referred to as a "victory" before.
Clinton didn't get us into that mess, Bush 41 did because his presidency was a failure
     and he wanted to be remembered as a "compassionate" president.
Clinton had more courage than any three warmongers you can name.
Bush 43 is the stupidest, most blood-thirsty idiot in presidential history
So, the Rangers were ordered home in "humiliation?"
    Please compare that order to Reagan's ordering the Marines home after
    his personal bungling got 240 of them killed in Lebanon.  That idiot Reagan,
    or whoever his handlers were at the time, proved to the murdering bastards that
    America runs after we take some losses - 240 brave men men killed - and then he
    gave the same bastards Stinger missles - boy, that'll teach them to mess with us.

    When asked why those brave men weren't protected as they slept, why barricades weren't
    in place to protect them from high-tech pickup bombers, Reagan had the non-brains to tell a widow,
   "It's like when you order kitchen cabinets - they always arrive late."

Worse than that, we traded arms for hostages, and then Islamic Jihad
     kidnapped different hostages, so what did we get for our missles?
If not for Bush 43, Reagan would be the most clueless lump in presidential history
Your last sentence scared me the most. The Republicans always tout Bush's
    decision-making process. He listens for a minute, then makes up his mind,
    and then, no matter what, he never thinks about that decision again.
    If he had half a brain, that might not be that bad, but he's an idiot.
I pray (that's a figure of speech) that we win this war quickly, because as
    stubborn and stupid as this toad is, he'll fight to their deaths before he'll
    reconsider his zeal to murder the man who outwitted his Daddy.

 Subject: Military Monkey Mail

 This is an all-volunteer military, so when one of them tells me he's protecting my freedom,
 I generally tell him to blow me.  They're acting as if they're conscripts.
 They were no more forced into service than I was forced into law school.
 It was a choice.


 R, you gotta trust me on this - you're all wrong.

 I saw a thing on CNN where the pilots who were getting ready to go into combat
 watched our Iraqi-held POWs on CNN just before they climbed into their cockpits.
 Jesus, what's more courageous than that?

 When these people go to work, they are like firemen. When the world catches on fire, they go in.
 When someone needs to charge the machine gun, these guys are ready to sacrifice everything.

 I probably get it more than you, but I still don't quite get it,
 but without these guys we don't even have a country.

 Do me a favor and reconsider your position.
 This is life and death, and they took an oath to follow orders no matter how stupid the president is.
 The guys who are dying or being tortured aren't getting a piece of the B.F.E.E. pie.

 We should go after the greedy bastards making billions from this illegal war.

 ...but those fighting men we can't do without.

 Subject: Hi bc

 Any proof that DICK will personnally profit from Haliburton's contract in Iraq?

 Meg in Wisconsin

 Meg, I can offer no solid proof, but how can you doubt it?

Dick was making multi-millions a year at Halliburton, and he gave that up
     to make a lousy $200K working 18 hours a day with a bad heart?
Last I heard (weeks/months ago) he was still getting large money from Halliburton.
Halliburton is getting don't-bother-with-bidding secret contracts for unknown amounts
They didn't steal that election to get in there and do the right thing.
Cheney spent the ninieties building up saddam with Halliburton's oil equipment
Remember, this is the same gang (maybe not Cheney) that was CAUGHT arming
     terrorists in the eighties, then pardoned their way out of it to bury the truth forever.

 The only flaw is that evil men wouldn't kill to take over the world.

Read  every day.
...or the lady in Room 237 will hug you.


"The US has stirred up a vast amount of hatred against itself by this swaggering arrogance
  of the intellectually limited President, roaring like a bull in a bomber jacket in aircraft hangars
  to young men and women of the American armed forces who, although they know very little
  of the world, are ready to get out there and kill.”
   --British MP George Galloway, as seen on

 "What does 'intellectually limited' mean?"

 Subject: Love it!

 Normally, I don't get as much entertainment as I did seeing that fine
 picture of Condi putting out for the troops.  I have to hand it to you,
 that is primo stuff!

 Gary R

 That came from

 Powell rejects advice to resign over Iraq war

  Click  Here

 Colin Powell dismissed a widely-publicized suggestion that he resign
 from Monkeyboy's administration over the war in Iraq.

"The American people are satisfied with the job I'm doing as secretary of state," Powell said.
 Asked whether he planned to stay in the Bush administration, Powell replied: "Oh, absolutely."

 Hell, Powell's the only half-sane guy in that whole group of thugs.
 And Bush can't afford to lose him because there's too much symbolism
 having a black man walking around all those old, white men in the White House.

is coming.

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 If we don't fight back, we're on Bush's team.

 Unka Dick, I have a question, but it might be dumb.
 Why are we fighting the Republican guard?
 Why isn't he on our side?

 We're Republicans, aren't we?
 Isn't there a Democratic guard we can fight?

 Don't cry, Unka Dick, ...I'm sorry I asked...

Marty's E! page
Wanda debuts on Faux tonight at 9:30pm (est/pst)
Luke Wilson hosts Dave
The media is pro-war
Connie Chung was canned
Calvin Klein spoke to Latrell Sprewell, during a game
Streisand, Kelly O & Lenny
Spring break
ABC is shortening shows for news updates
Old Europe responds
And, tv's top 20 shows


 Changes Needed After the War
   by Joe Conason

  Click  Here

 Severe rifts between the U.S. and the international community, in Europe and
 elsewhere, must be mended rather than exacerbated. When Donald Rumsfeld claims
 that the "coalition of the willing" is "larger than the coalition that existed during the
 Gulf War in 1991," he reveals a screwy view of global reality. Why the White
 House chose this moment to publicize a dispute with the Russian government over
 alleged Iraqi defense sales is incomprehensible.

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   --Chris Rock, on what he'd do as president

 That's OK, Chris. Take what you need, my friend.
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 Screw military health care.
 We need tax cuts.

  Unka Dick, is the war turning into another Vietnam?
  By the way, what's a Vietnam and why is that bad?

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