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Note from Bartcop (e-scribed by MicheleK - BartCook):
Computer problems - was Bart hacked!?!?!! -- the next issue should be up tomorrow.
In the meantime, the 'BartGeek' has been called, and they await his wisdom at BartCop Manor.
Note from Marc Perkel - Actually - Bartcop wasn't hacked - he has that new msblast.exe worm. This is a serious virus unlike anything I've seen before. This virus has nothing to do with email and you can be infected by just being connected to the internet. This message applies to EVERYONE running ANY version of WINDOWS - DO THIS! If you are running windows you should do the following:
  1. Start Task Manager. Click the process tab. Look for a program called msblast.exe. If you see it - kill the process. 
  2. Go to Microsoft's Windows Update and install all the critacal updates. It is extremely important that you do this. If you do not install these updates - you will get invected!!!! 
  3. If you can't connect to Microsoft - here's part of a self fix. Select RUN and type in regedit. Walk through the tree looking for this key: 




     Which will contain - "windows auto update"="msblast.exe" - DELETE THIS KEY!

  5. You will find a file called c:\windows\system32\msblast.exe - DELETE THIS FILE!



  7. Don't wait till you're already infected to fix this. You need to deal with this before it happens if you are not infected already. Until you apply these patches - your computer is vulnerable to all kinds of attacks. 
  8. Tell all your friends who are running Windows to do the same - spread the word!



For more information - check out the Norton Anti-virus site.

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Volume 1133 - End of Days

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 Mon-Tues   Aug 11-12, 2003 

 That virus knocked out my computer.
 I'm doing this on my extra-lame laptop.

 I also can't get to the sign-up new members page for now,
 and I can't get regular mail, but that could change tomorow.

 Fox sues Al Franken for using 'fair & balanced' slogan 

"I'll have Bart defend me."

  Click  Here

 Fox Whore News is suing Al Franken for trademark infringement over the phrase "fair and balanced"
 on the cover of his upcoming book, saying it has been "a signature slogan" of the network since 1996.

 According to court papers, Fox is seeking a temporary or permanent injunction against Franken and
 Penguin Books to stop them using the phrase in connection with the book to be published next month.

 The title of liberal satirist Franken's new book is "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them."
 At the bottom of the planned cover is the tag line, "A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right."
 Fox claims the use of the phrase is intended to confuse the public and boost book sales.

 This is such crap.
 The Nazi's always whine about frivilous lawsuits, like when an old lady gets 3rd degree burns when
 McDonald's sells her coffee with a lid that pops off, but they love suits like this one that have no merit.

 You can't own "fair and balanced" any more than I can own, "Have a nice day."
 We just went thru this with Spike Lee, and he lost - so why do they even let the whores file this?

Fox TV is talking to Aaron McGruder about doing "The Boondocks."
They've ordered a pilot for a potential series for Fall 2004.

 U.S. Fines Woman for Being 'Human Shield'

  Click  Here

 A retired schoolteacher who went to Iraq to serve as a "human shield" against the U.S. invasion
 is facing thousands of dollars in U.S. government fines, which she is refusing to pay.

 The Treasury Department told Faith Fippinger that she broke the law by crossing the Iraqi border
 before the war.  Her travel to Iraq violated U.S. sanctions that prohibited American citizens from
 engaging in "virtually all direct or indirect commercial, financial or trade transactions with Iraq."

 The nerve of these bastards!
 Cheney did $23M worth of business with Saddam to build up his war-making capability
 and they have the nerve to fine this woman for merely crossing the border?

 ...and the only reason they're brazen enough to call the kettle black is because they know
 the press won't report what Cheney did and the Democrats are too scared to mention it.

 We went to war with Saddam for gassing his own people, but Saddam did that BEFORE Cheney
 did all this business with him, proving that the BFEE will do business with "Hitler" if they can make
 a nice profit doing it. With this gang of thugs, it's always about gaining power and making money.

 Dean wants to be president.
 Why doesn't he attack their hypocrisy?

 Kucinich wants to be president.
 Why doesn't he attack their hypocrisy?

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"I don't want to get into that right now..."
   Musclehead, when asked his position on gay marriage by Diane Sawyer (R-Whore)

"The most important thing Callie-fornia needs is leadership..."
   Musclehead, when asked how he was going to turn the budget crisis around

 Will Musclehead be able to dodge questions all the way to election day?

"I like this guy, he knows how to handle the press..."

 Subject: your addled brain comments on Cuba

 I want you to answer the following questions:

 1. Have you ever been to Cuba?

 No, as stated in the story that angered you.
 I've also never been to Germany. Should I not have an opinion
 on the murder of six million Jews by Prescott Bush's partner in crime?

 2. Have you studied the history of Cuba

 No, but I'm old, I've read newspapers for 40 years and I have a decent memory...

 3. Where did you get your information to support the following statements:

 Cuba is a prison and Fidel,( meaning Castro, unless you know him personally)
 keeps people there at gun point.

 My comments on Cuba are the generally-accepted beliefs of most Americans.
 It's a fact that hundreds or thousands of Cubans risk death every year to ride
 a closet door over 90 miles of shark-infested waters to get away from Cuba.

 Seems to me that all your arguments regarding Cuba have been fed or mainlined to you
 by the propaganda machine that keeps this country ignorant  about foreign policy and
 about all their fuckups.

 True, my comments on Cuba are the generally-accepted beliefs of most Americans.
 Are you saying those people riding doors are actors, hired by our government?

 The US condemned Cuba to poverty and misery by slapping an embargo on them
 40 years ago. Now what does this say about your country Clive Livermore,

 My name is Bart, not sure who Clive Livermore is...
 BTW, Javier disagrees with you.  (He's from there, been back to visit 6 times)
 He says Cuba is a nice place where most people are happy.

 it's the same excrement all over again, they also slapped Iraq with an  embargo.
 Please I urge to educate yourself on an issue such as Cuba, before you pass such
 judgements as you have done.  Further I urge to visit Cuba not to accept what you
 hear as Gospel.  One thing an education teaches you if nothing else is not to open
 your trap indiscriminatedly without having a buffer to support your statements.

 I have opinions.
 I publish them on the Internet.
 Sometimes I'm right, sometimes a reader corrects me.
 You and I and Javier have different opinions about Cuba, but notice I had the
 good manners to not ask you to shut "your trap" for having some of your own.

 Some factions in this country operate by waging war and revenge against those who
 want self determination. Cuba is the prime example of that flaw in the US government
 and perhaps its culture.

 This argument started when I said we should change our position on Cuba, remember?

 When you travel the world and get to really know the people of other countries...when they
 trust you they open up to you, incrdibly a large majority of them agree on one point
 "The Americans are backstabbers"

 When *I* travel the world, I end up in jail.
 I think I'll do my traveling thru books or the Internet from now on.
 And yes, our reputation isn't great around the world, especially lately.

 They arrive at this conclusion through their observation of US dealings.
 Now with the Iraq assault there's no doubt.
 You can publish my email, but don't take revenge on me for disagreeing
 with you and publish my name and email, you did that once...

 For the last 2-3 years, the only time I've published an e-mail is when some ditto-monkey
 begs to be assaulted by starting their comments with cheap and slimy personal attacks.
 You didn't do that - so you're safe.

(From the vaults)

Arnold grabby-hands assaults a Brit talk show host

"Get your hands off me - I'm scared."

Oversexed Arnold Schwarzenegger Gets A handful Of British Talk Hosts!
During his promotional visit to Britain this week Arnold Schwarzenegger groped
Denise Van Outen on the Big Breakfast and behaved in a similarly oversexed and over here fashion
with a clearly panicked Melanie Sykes on ITV's Celebrity.  The Sun in England newspaper reports
that Sykes was chatting with Arnold when, as cameras rolled, he grabbed her around the waist.

She pushed his hand away, saying: "Get your hands off me - I'm scared."

 Did I hear this right?

 CNN said the Callie-fornia ballot has two parts:

 Part One - Gray Davis - stay or go?

 Part Two - Who should take his place?

 55 minutes into Wolf the Whore's Sunday show, they said the next
 governor might be elected with just ten percent of the vote.

 That means Larry Flynt could win.
 He's probably got more money than Musclehead.

 Callie-fornia, you are some crazy bastards, you know that?

 Subscriber help

 Can't get in?   Click  Here  to reach Sam

 If you should be in the members section, write to Sam and tell her if you subscribed by
 2Checkout,  PayPal  or  snail mail.  She'll fix you up.

 Students, teachers, retired, military

 If your e-mail address ends with .edu  you can get members priviliges for just $5 a month.
 If your e-mail address ends with .mil  you can get members priviliges for just $5 a month.
 Still working on that AARP thing...

 Is membership  worth $5 a month when you're on a tight budget?

 I wonder how we could police an A.A.R.P. discount, too?
 The Social Security and "fixed income" people might like 
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 Another wrinkle oin the illegal davis recall:

 Part One - Gray Davis - stay or go?

 Part Two - Who should take his place?


 What if Davis resigns before the election?

 The ballot doesn't say, "Should the sitting governor go?"
 It says, "Should Davis go?"

 If Davis resigns and that Bustamonte guy becomes governor,
 Parts One and Two become moot, according to know-it-alls on MSGOP.

 Those nutty Republicans are going to spend $60M on an election that won't change anything?

 Geragos hires Henry Lee

  Click  Here

 Mark Geragos has hired, I presume with his own money, top forensic scientist Henry Lee
 to examine the remains of Laci Peterson in an attempt to prove his client is innocent.
 Is there a precedent for this? An attorney spending his own money on a client?

 Geragos seems to know Peterson is innocent.  Peterson faces the death penalty,
 so he's got every reason to lie and tell Geragos that he's innocent.
 But what does Geragos see in this case that the cops don't?
 Or maybe he sees what the cops saw but the cops refuse to recognize it.

 In the old Perry Mason show, he'd look a potential client in the eye and say,
 "Did you commit this murder?" and then watch for a reaction.

 Could Geragos have done the same thing?
 Does he feel that Peterson is innocent?
 Or is he spending his money on science and evidence?

 Subject: Shirley

 At least the pictures of Shirley are getting better (much more focused).
 Why don't you just get hold of her agent and have her e-mail you?
 I've never seen so much devotion, how sad.  But, good lick.

 I really enjoy your site and one day when I'm not so destitute, I'll subscribe.
 College student don't you know.

 Mike C

 Mike, there are plenty good pictures of Shirley, but it's been 400 issues since we started that.
 Secondly, I lost her agent's phone number - do you have that on your Rolodex?
 Thirdly, "sad" is the last adjective you should be using here.
 I can put on some Shirley and my mood shoots up like that ride on top of the Stratosphere in Vegas.

 Lastly, if you have an .edu e-mail address, you get in for half price.
 If you're broke, that doesn't help, but the option is there.

 Maybe some wealthy Democrat will see this and offer to sponsor some students :)

Marty's E! page
Kevin Costner on the Hollywood Walk O'Fame
Faux is suing Al Franken for using the term 'fair & balanced'
Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson has a real job on the side
'Naked Boys Singing' aren't welcome in Puerto Rico
'Liberal' newspapers tend to be more open-minded
New Pete Townshend album available online
Austin City Limits Music Festival
And, archaeologists say Caligula really was nuts & not the victim of bad p.r.


 Subject: California fiasco


 I'm an occasional reader, and love the site. At least two times since Sunday, I heard the
 Californian Republican Chair and/or Arnold's campaign advisor mention how Davis
 squandered a $10 million budget surplus into a $35 million deficit.  This seems to be
 their biggest gun against Davis.

 I wonder how they can justify using it against Davis, but somehow dismiss that
 same criticism against their Emperor Buba Bush?


 Dave, they get away with that because the Democrats don't have the brains
 and they can't find the courage to mention the obvious.

 If  *I* ran the DNC, I'd initiate a recall against President Pinhead and use the exact same
 language they're using against Davis - but Democrats can't think and they're very, very scared
 that Mr Rove might not like their doing that, so they cower in the corner and whimper, instead.


 Arianna Huffington on Crossfire.
 Scott Peterson case on Larry King.

 We accidentally rented two Colin Farrell movies and Knockaround Guys.


 Phone Booth was well done.
 It was my first Colin Farrell movie, besides that horrid Tom Cruise Minority Report,
 and I was surprised such a pretty boy could act that well.  I thought he did a great job.
 He's Tom Cruise, but better-looking, younger and with acting skills.
 Also, Forrest Whitaker (the main cop) is one of my favorite actors.

 If you buy the premise of the phone booth movie, he really was in a fix.
 At any second, Jack could kill his wife or girlfriend - he was truly stuck.

 But I thought the ending was bogus.  There was no logical reason for the doctor to give
 anyone a shot that would cause hallucinations, and Jack couldn't possibly have known that.

 Knockaround Guys was sold as Goodfellas Knockoff.
 I had high hopes, but this was Panic Room all over again.

 Every decision anyone could possibly make was made wrong on purpose. You know you have
 a crap movie when the only way to hold the story together is to have each character do everything
 exactly the opposite of what the person watching the movie would do.

 They give $500,000 to a scared rabbit, then they can't believe it when he panics and loses it.
 Suddenly, "Matty" finds himself in Michael Corleone's position:
 The only way his father can live is if he killes the crooked cop and takes back the money.

 He assembles a small gang and visits the crooked sheriff who has his loot.  Instead of going in blazing
 (remember - it's life and death for Dad) he politely asks the crook to please give back the money.
 The sheriff laughs and kicks his stupid ass while the deputy holds a shotgun on his gang.

 Later, John Malkovich shoots Matty's second-best friend in front of Matty AND the sheriff.
 There was no reason to murder anyone with the crooked sheriff standing there.  Once the first shot
 was fired, everyone was forced to shoot and seven gunmen shooting at once is always trouble.

 Plus, this was before they found out if the sheriff was stupid enough to bring the money to an ambush
 that the sheriff, himself, had set up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 Whenever I plan to murder four mobsters, I leave the money at home.

 If your intent is to kill the mob guys, why bring the money?
 Malko didn't know if the money was there when the shooting started.
 He risked the half-mil for no reason just like he shot Matty's friend for no reason.

 Maybe the moral of the story is "Mob guys are stupid," but how do you get to be
 60 years old as a higher-up in the New York mob if you're that stupid?

 This is another example of why Hollywood should hire me. You have a $40M movie, why not
 give Bart a pre-release copy and give me $1000 for every plot hole I find thru which even
 Joe Hazleton on Black Russians could pilot the Exxon Valdez?


 My arm fire has come back - like totally...

 Who can keep track of time, ...but maybe 3 weeks ago, I got the shot of death.
 A week ago it wore off, we're taking the pain like a man, or at least like half a man.

 I went to Doc Shariff and asked him how serious it was.
 I mean, I've already been to the pass-out, needles-slicing-the-pain stage of treatment,
 and now we're going to entertain other options?

 He said it was so bad, I might have to have my arm amputated.
 I refused to accept that, so I went to another doc to get a second opinion.

 Dr. Ashante, (Can we get some American doctors?) said the same thing.
 He said my best bet was to have my right arm amputated like Little Joe on Bonanza.

 Broken, I visted a third Doctor, Dr. Allah-Shah-Al-Abazz Ali.
 At least I could understand his English...

 He basically said I had nothing to worry about.
 I offered him a shot of Chinaco Anejo and I tried to kiss him on the lips.

 He pulled away from my embrace and said,
"Don't worry.  In a few weeks, the son of a bitch will fall off all by itself..."

 Turn Your Radio On - hear Mike Malloy

  Click  Here

 KKBJ-AM Talk Radio 1360 discovered the union-owned network's liberal programming on a stormy night
 back in June when one of the Minnesota talk station's satellite receivers died. To avoid dead air, the station
 flipped to the program stream coming down on a second satellite receiver, tuned in to i.e. America Radio
 Network's 9 pm-midnight host, Mike Malloy. Malloy was in fine form, ranting about the "Bush crime family."

 The next day, KKBJ's Chuck Sebastian got some feedback from listeners who had just heard their first bit
 of liberal programming on a station that otherwise carries mostly right-wingers. "One guy said that it was
 a breath of fresh air to finally get somebody who knows what he's talking about," Sebastian said.
 He added,   "Another said it was 'nice to hear somebody with an opinion the opposite of Michael
 Savage's ranting and raving.'"

"That's not fair - a lefty on the radio?"

 Subject: Lets roll flight

 I think the guy who said "Let's roll," was Todd beamer. He was hailed as a hero.
 There was also an incredibly well trained expert in the martial arts aboard that flight.
 I believe his name was Jeremy Glick.
 Mr Glick was about six foot seven and had the ability to kill a man with one blow.
 Based on what I saw on the news, I believe he may have been a gay man.

 I think that's all correct.

 Although its theory, I suspect that Glick handily killed the terrorists and was ready to
 receive orders to try to pilot that plane. Its a shame, but I think our air force shot it.
 Im not an expert on debris fields, but have you ever heard of one that involved so
 many pieces and so little plane actually impacting with the ground?


 C, no telling about the debris field. I mean, who would we ask about that?  Bush's NTSB?
 Former Air Force Intelligent Officers?  Bush's CIA?  Bush's FBI?

 I saw a 30-second interview with Glick's Dad on CBS.  He said the feds allowed the families to hear
 the last few minutes on the cockpit flight recorder.  He said after hearing a lot of commotion and
 Arabic shouting (don't write) he heard his son do that exhale/grunt thing karate boys do before they strike.
 Then he said he heard a snap and a man with a crushed windpipe trying to breathe.

 I think if the hijackers saw Glick go thru Hadji #1 like warm butter,
 they would then go to Plan B and crash early so as not to be taken alive.

 Sure, it's possible that plane was shot down.

Check  today's

Click to Enter


"I don't think I've ever been in a slump.  Ever since I came out
  of the womb and I've started playing golf, I've had a pretty good career.''
      -- Tiger Woods, talking about his career, when they asked about The BartCop Hex his slump

 Subject: Question from a fan

 Hey Bart,

 Is your IQ honestly, like, you-took-a-test honest 64, or are you just using that expression to say
 that you don't think you're smarter than everyone else? I'm just curious, because you write really well.
 Great work on the site, I read every day and enjoy your hilarious commentary.

 Keep swinging the hammer,

 Charles H.

 Charles, I do some things well but there are so many times when I don't have the slightest clue.
 I'm helpless with "Read Me" files, FAQ, instructions and directions.
 As far as my writing, people say I write like I talk.  I think more people should do that.

Just like in 1991, when are boys were dying...

the Bushes always had time for vacation.

Now it's 2003,
...more soldiers are dying than 1991...
...and where is the unelected appointee?

He went home to be on vacation - AGAIN,
 and they're making billions off this FAKE WAR.

Meanwhile, our boys are coming home, too.

 Harassed by Schwarzenegger for sex?
    by Jackson Thoreau

  Click  Here

 A woman - a family member of this source - worked behind the scenes on a weekend shoot in one of
 Schwarzenegger’s movie’s years ago. He harassed this woman for two days about having sex with him
 in his movie trailer, my source says.

 She tried to politely say no, but Schwarzenegger kept persisting, insisting she come to his trailer during a break.
 The woman tried to joke it off, saying at one point, "But Arnold, what about Maria?" He laughed and said,
 "My driver is very discreet."

 From: Jessica in Wisconsin

 Subject: Feedback on the radio

 Was just catching up on the last couple of pages, and saw you're asking if
 it's worth doing the transcripts.  Are you putting the entire show on the site?

 No, only about 1/3 of each segment and, so far, just shows 9 and 8, I think.

 It seems to me that people can now just put a Garbage CD on and read the
 radio show transcript and get the same effect for free.

 Damn, that's what I do when I'm writing!!
 We may be communicating on some weird, unknown level :)

(Me, I'd put on "Physical Graffiti," but I know not this Garbage band of which you speak.)

 ha ha
 They're from Madison!
 They're a huge band everywhere but in America.

 Subject: Please continue the radio show transcripts...

 I'll bet there are others who didn't know you had transcripts of your shows.

 Also, please don't change a thing about your page.  I know there are some humorless lefties
 who get indignant because you also post little snippets of 'unimportant topics' covering entertainment,
 pop culture and tequila.   I burn out from time to time, but am always able to read your page even when
 I black out other sources of news (to keep my sanity) because it is interspersed with humor.



"On Monday, October 24, the news from Beirut became even more sickening, in all, 241 marines had died
  as they slept, resting from the duties of trying to keep peace in Lebanon. Two miles away, and two minutes
  after the blast at the airport, fifty-eight French soldiers, also members of the multinational force, had been
  killed by a second car bomb. The evidence indicated that both suicide vehicles were driven by radical Shiite
  fundamentalists suicidally bent on the pursuit of martyrdom. They were members of the same group responsible
  for the barbarous bombing of our embassy in Beirut the previous April, a group whose religious leaders promised
  instant entry to Paradise for killing an enemy of Iran's theocracy. Nancy and I were in a state of grief, made
  almost speechless by the magnitude of the loss"
    -- Ronald Reagan,  Attribution

"We don't talk about them.  We talk about Clinton and Somalia's 18..."

 They say Musclehead is the front runner in the Callie-fornia race.

 Isn't that the epitome of a hallow campaign that nobody knows his positions
 on the issues but they'll vote for him because they think he'd make a fun governor?

 Also, my good friend Joe Conason said somewhere, that when Sheen and Garafalo
 and others spoke out against the war, the right said actors were "too stupid" to have opinions.

 But 60 days later, a bad actor is suddenly the answer to serious budgets problems in Cali.

 ...and the Democrats are too stupid/scared to use that against the Musclehead.

 Subject: Supporting the troops


 I'll pay for the first 10 .mils who sign up for their first three months, or $150.


 Dude, that's very generous.
 So if any of you military guys & gals want three months of members privileges,
 send me your .mil e-mail and Brew will pick up the tab.
(So far, only two have signed up for three free months of membership)

 Bush's American soldier body count in Iraq
 It now stands at  260 263

 Total deaths since the Bloodthirsty Bully said, "Bring 'em On":  59

  Perhaps 1,000 wounded.
 How much more are we willing to tolerate?

 Note: Believe this figure.
 It's from

In trouble?
 Call the

You have two minutes to speak your peace.

 Subject: Iraqi vs. US Employment

 3,000+ (estimated) dead Iraqi military; plus
 1,800+ (estimated) dead Iraqi civilians; plus

 258 (and climbing daily) dead US military; plus
 800 (and climbing daily) wounded US military, plus (added by Bart)

 $40,000,000,000+ (Forty Billion) in US taxpayer funds spent on the war in Iraq; plus
   $4,000,000,000+ (Four Billion) PER month in US taxpayer funds spent on the occupation of Iraq.

 Got us:
 One (1) unemployed (not dead) Iraqi dictator.

 In the US it doesn't cost GWB anything to unemploy someone.

 Have a good time today - that's an order.

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 It had  everything.

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 Shrl - call The BartPhone,  just to say "Hi!"
 Plus, leave an e-mail address and I'll make you a BartCop Member - for free!

 Call the Bart-Phone at 918-493-1500
 That would be really cool, and we'll catch you at the Vegas Hard Rock on your next American tour.  and BartCop are trademarks of painfully unfunny "humor."

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