Vol 95 - Slappy Builds An Ark 


There's a possibility that BartCop's RL-LNW will be getting
a Prime Time television series on NBC on Thursday nights.
I'm hoping to get the slot between Seinfeld and ER.

I'm not saying it's a done deal, it's not.

But I notice big media frenzy concerning "the possibility" that
Hillary Clinton MAY be indicted at some point in the future.

Think it'll happen?

ABC is the worst of the big-network whores.
Saturday night, they opened with "startling, new" information
and the "exclusive" tape that was so super-goddamn explosive.

Turns out, an un-named deputy under Hardon Kenneth said it was
"possible," not probable, that Hillary would be INDICTED.
(For the slower sheep, an indictment is an accusation.)

So, ABC's big EXCLUSIVE was a lower-level deputy claiming there's
a possibility that an accusation might be made against a Clinton.

Does that sound like news to you?

If the GOP went a week WITHOUT a no-proof attack on
the Clinton's, THAT would be fucking news.
Can I get a ditto on that?

(By the way, Diane Sawyer blew a law clerk to get that tape.)

This type of "evidence" is that fuels hate radio.
That's how Rush and his ditt-wits digest "facts."

They start with the "maybe" or "possibly" qualifier,
then they spew tidal waves of insane bullshit causing
idiot sheep eat it raw without even trying to chew it.

If I was a gullible, dumfuk, half-wit knuckle-dragger,
I'd be pretty frustrated with this "coming next week" indictment.

That's why I stopped listening to G. Gordon Liddy.
Since early 1993, Liddy has declared - every single day:
"This is it! This is the BIG one, the Clinton's are gone."
Then he'd predict impeachment and prison time for both of them.

Don't get me wrong -

There's nothing I like more than no-brain, motor-mouth, right-wing,
religio-wacko slurring gays, the poor and liberals. I admit it,
that's why I've listened to every Rush show since 1991.

A half-hour before Rush comes on, I start watching the clock.
I don't want to miss a word. I tape every minute of every show,
in case I need a verbatim quote for my humor magazine.

When I'm out of town, I channel-surf AM radio, hoping to find
a Falwell/McVeigh/Helms-type asshole and a superstition-based
rant on how lesbian-Hillary is coming to murder your kids.

Very amusing stuff.


Watch for BartCop's RL-LNW on must-see NBC Thursday nights!
I'll be on the air the same day Hillary is taken into custody.


"I can identify with steelworkers.
 I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time."
    -- Rep Danny Quayle at an Ohio steel plant, 1988

God Bless Dan Quayle.

Most people think Dan Quayle is a very stupid man.
People say small animals are smarter than our former VP.

This is not always true.
The story of Dan Quayle's downfall may be premature.
We all know the story from last year about his crime-fighting cat
"Taytoe" beating him in a best-of-seven game of Checkers.


The Republican Fair-Judges Committee has ruled that since Taytoe
tested positive for catnip, our man Danny was the true victor!

Dan Quayle is NOT as stupid as everybody says...

Great Hollywood Quotes

"So, MTV's VJ Kennedy asked me to leave the room
because she was blowing Rush Limba..."

-- Roseanne, MTV Awards 1994

Waaaay back in Volume 32, I wondered who would get to pick
the next President of the United States.

Remember how that worked?

In 1988, Willie Horton got to decide.
Willie was Butch's hero, and Dukakis didn't fight back.

In 1992, Ross Perot decided who our next President would be.
Perot split the anti's, and Clinton beat Butch.

Some say Bill Clinton grew into the presidency at OKC.
The ugly, never-ending, feeding-frenzy stopped for a week.
It was as if America was giving Bill Clinton a chance.

In 1996, maybe Tim McVeigh decided our next president.

Wouldn't it would be ironic if Tim McVeigh personally guaranteed
"bigger government," and the re-election of Bill Clinton,
a man he hated enough to murder 168 people?

Saw this on the web...

Rush Limbaugh says the Internet is a sewer-full of filth,
then describes his own “gorgeous” World Wide Web site.

He says that people lie to pollsters, then mentions
every poll favorable to his conservative views.

He tells us not to pay attention to the New York Times,
CBS and Newsweek, yet he quotes them daily.

He complains that Americans lack economic intelligence,
then displays his own ignorance repeatedly.
(All true)

Remember, without Clinton, there wouldn't be a Hitlaugh.
Without Hitlaugh, there wouldn't be a BartCop.

Thanks, Rush

Rush's new book is out next week - "Racism for Dummies."

Great GOP Quotes

"You cannot hunt deer without a semi-automatic weapon."
     --Charleton Heston on Meet The Whore

Hey, Chuck!
Lee Harvey Oswald went hunting, remember?
He had an old-style, bolt-action rifle, and he was
able to do considerable damage, right?

Why is a semi-automatic needed to go after a deer?

...and why is Moses lying?

Rush Limba is BIG Tobacco's best friend.

Do you know who BIG Tobacco's enemies are?

-The American Heart Association
-The American Cancer Society
-The American Medical Association
-The American Academy of Family Physicians
-The American Academy of Pediatrics
-The American Nurses Association
-The list goes on forever.

Lying, liberal puppets, all!
That Clinton is a powerful sorcerer, isn't he?

Why are all these organizations shilling for Bill Klinton?
Did Hillary threaten to murder them?

We all know how the Clintons pretend to want to save lives,
but Rush has revealed their TRUE motives.

There TRUE motives are....


I forget..

Why are Bill and Hillary lying about BIG Tobacco?

Bob Dornan's 12-year chief-of-staff says he's a "sodomite."
After 12 loooooong years, Dornan's best friend is a "pervert."

Funny, the "pervert" was able to hide it from the Honorable
Bob Dornan for over a decade.

Isn't that strange?

Twelve years is a long time.

You'd think after working side-by-side with a "sodomite" for twelve years,
B-1 would finally conclude that gays are human beings like you and me.

But noooooooooooooooooo.

That goes against conservative principles,
...as if that isn't a contradiction in terms...

You can't raise GOP money saying "Gays are Americans, too."

Hey Bob, EAT ME!

..and I mean that in a heterosexual way.

From: KevinJMitc@aol.com

Subject: Question ...

Is your page humorous?

Apparently not, if you had to ask.

Great GOP Quotes

"Oh, Baby. Give it to me."
  -- Frank Gifford, caught on videotape with his ho.

May 19th, 1997

Rush: "I'm not going to defend Frank Gifford screwing a ho."
then he did just that for an hour.

It was an EIB Meltdown!

(If you heard it, you KNOW this is true.)

Rush IMMEDIATELY got a series of calls saying:

"You fat bastard. How DARE you, the "paradigm of purity,"
defend Frank Gifford for screwing some ho on videotape.
It's just like Dick Morris, Rush. Be honest!
Why can't you be honest, Rush?"

Rush started SCREAMING at his flock.
If you heard Monday's show, you know it's true.

But in Frank's defense......
I've had sex with Kathie Lee, and it's no picnic.

Jesus Christ, all she does is talk about Cody and Katy.
I can understand Frank wanting to have a little sex without
that goddamn chatterbox whining about them damn kids!!!!

Which brings us to.........

Limba hasn't mentioned "the lovely and gracious Marta" in weeks.

The reason?

Their sham "marriage," (if you can call it that) is over.
A settlement is being drawn up.

Rush only married her to silence the rumors about him and
Clarence "Slappy" Thomas and B-1 Bob Dornan.

Poor Marta was only a decoy.

Rush, with his sympathy for how "poor Frank" was "duped" into
having sex with some ho, is laying the groundwork for his spin
when Marta leaves his fat, dirty ass on June 24th, 1997.


Our sources say Marta will get what she wants financially,
which is about 35 million up-front, and 2.7 million per year
for seven years, then $700,000 until she dies.


she has to sign a document guaranteeing she will never discuss
Rush's relationship with Dornan or Clarence "Slappy" Thomas,
....or the REAL reason why she walked out.

Bob Dornan's office refused to return calls,
Clarence "Slappy" Thomas's office refused to return calls.
What are they hiding?

After the Bob Dornan admission, you'd think the pressure was off.
Yet, Limba continues to deny his true sexual orientation.

We understand Rush is fine-tuning his Select-a-bed mattress
to a permanant "hard" position.

That's how B-1 and Slappy like it.

Real hard.

Plus, you can tell this is the gospel truth, because Rush gets
each issue of RL-LNW fresh, and he hasn't objected.

Remember, you heard it here first!!

I ALWAYS scoop cutting-edge BaconBoy.

In the Salt Lake City Times, they published a list of
the black friends of Senator Orrin Hatch. (R-Bonehead)

1. Clarence "Slappy" Thomas

2. US Rep "Uncle OJ" Watts (R-Bonehead) of Oklahoma




..Sen. Hatch's office is searching their files to locate
the names of other black people the Senator has spoken to.

Great Republican Quotes

"I'd like to apologize to the President and Mrs. Clinton.
My comments at last year's White House Correspondent's
dinner were hideously inappropriate."

-- Don Imus, showing manners that the GOP has never shown.

Speaking of manners and class, years ago Don Imus said if
Howard Stern EVER beat him in the ratings, he would gladly
"eat a dead dog's penis."

THAT is GOP-style class, folks.

When it was pointed out that Stern beats Imus, badly,
in every market they share, Imus would only say that
"the dog penis tasted good."

Hey! GOP!

If you had the CLASS of Don Imus,
America might let you drive the big boat again.

But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

When, Oh, when will Rush stop whining about the AFL-CIO
spending money in the last presidential campaign?

Rush says "organized oppositon lied about everything"
when they produced those "misleading" commercials.

So, we're to assume the NRA was too-truthful when they paid
$25,000,000 to affect public opinion about the need for
more military assault-weapons back in 1994?

Rush, your clumsy, blatant lies make me laugh.

Plus, you're really fat.

That crazy loon Bob Barr of Georgia (R-Murdered his daughter) said
Clinton is obstructing justice concerning the current batch of charges.

"Let's compare his conduct to that of President Reagan and
President Butch concerning Iran-Contra. Reagan and Butch
always co-operated fully so the entire truth would come out."

Hey, Bobster!

Do you know what the word "pardon" means?

Butch pardoned the whole gang so the truth would fucking die.
Butch kidnapped the truth, threw it in the trunk of a car,
drove it out of town and slit it's throat with those pardons.

Now this piece-of-shit Barr claims they did everything
they could to get the truth to the American people?

Besides dittoheads,
who could keep a straight face hearing that?

I feel a laughing fit coming on...
I wish Barr would run for president.

RL-LNW would be $40 a week.


Watching an off-shore oil derrick,
 how can you tell which one is Dan Quayle?

 He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

This just in...

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum (R-Homosexual) is on the floor
of the Senate calling for an end to all hemmorhoid surgery!
Santorum set up an easel and displayed giant, close-up
photographs of a bloody hemmorhoid surgery in progress.

The Senate was so shocked by the ugly, graphic photos, several
members were seen running for the restrooms. Some Republican
undecideds were convinced, and have now agreed to change their
vote to help end this shocking medical proceedure.

A vote is to be held next week.
Republicans predict victory.

According to court testimony, Tim McVeigh went to McDonalds
before murdering the women and children in Oklahoma City.

I seem to remember O.J. Simpson went to McDonalds before
he carved his wife up like a Halloween pumpkin.

What do mad-dog murderers have against Burger King?

You want to see some REAL bullshit?

"The AMA hereby states that the decision as to what medical proceedure
 to use and whether or not the fetus is viable MUST be left to the doctor."


Isn't that the most Stalinist/Leninist Socialism you ever heard?
I don't know about you, but I can't stand living in a country
where medical doctors make the medical decisions, goddammit!

If I need a life-and-death medical opinion, if MY wife is about
to fucking die, I'm going to look for permission from the nearest
superstitious asshole like Jerry Falwell, Ralph Reed or Jesse Helms.

Jesus Christ!

Would you let your no-job neighbor "Lou" operate on your wife?


Why the hell not?

He's not qualified?
But Jerry, Jesse and Ralphie are???????????

How about that guy who cuts your lawn.... Nick?
Would you let him decide your wife's reproductive future?


Why the hell not?

He's not qualified?
But Jerry, Jesse and Ralphie are???????????


Y'know, at SOME point, even the dimmest sheep will come
to the conclusion that BartCop logic cannot be defeated.

And if you think I'm wrong..... your wife just called.

She says her appendix just burst, but don't worry.
Good old Nick is mowing the lawn,
and he's got his OJ knife with him,
so everything is going to be OK.

Great Biblical Quotes

"This'd better work. I only have two worms."

--Noah, learning to fish.


From: bobbitt@cut/cock.com

Dear Asshole,

You're a fucking chauvinist and a misogynistic pig.
What's with all the liberal female bashing?

Ellen, Barbara, Candice ...seems like a testosterone problem.

You're slashing and trashing was NOT funny.
It was crappy offensive and extremely disappointing.



Hey, Gidget!

Who told you people aren't entitled to opinions?
As I said, I like their politics, but...

Ellen isn't funny. That's just my opinion.
Well, actually, it's a fact.

Streisand sings shit well.
How can I change that?

Murphy Brown is less funny than Carrot-Top.
That's my fault?

Just to prove my point, I'd watch a Charlton Heston movie
if the son-of-a-bitch could act.

The US military has decided to allow Native-Americans
to use peyote in their traditional religious services.

This is a pro-religious, BartCop-friendly ruling.

(Regular readers know religious freedom is a plank of BartCop-ism.)

If you let Catholics drink the wine, you gotta let the Indian
have his peyote. If you allow a Baptist to say a school prayer,
you gotta let the Haitian kid strangle a chicken. You gotta let
the snake-handler from Oklahoma have a rattlin' pass-around, too.

How DARE you suggest the other guy's insanity is inferior to yours!

How DARE you?

I can't stand the irony.
Religious freedom is GREATER under BartCop-ism than it is NOW!

Ralph Reed wants to dictate a religion for YOUR kid.
BartCop wants YOU to raise your kids.
Who's right?

BartCop or Ralph Reed?

Face the facts:
Either BartCop or Ralph Reed is lying to you.

They're telling YOUR kids that your religion is crap.

BartCop-ism allows everyone their individual insanities.
Ol' BartCop thinks the parents should pick the prayer.

Repeat: BartCop says PARENTS should decide their kid's faith.

BartCop-ism MORE tolerant to religiuous freedom than the
psycho-bastards that run the Coathanger Coalition.

Think about that...

Did you see the Catholic Nuns on 60 minutes?
They tortured those poor little orphans.

Torture is NOT too strong a word for what they did.
Can you believe "Sister Severeia?"
I can.

I believe it all fucking day.

I survived 12 years in a Catholic POW camp.
It didn't kill me. It made me stronger.
I remember talking out of turn in 4th grade.
My punishment?

I was made to kneel on concrete and forced to hold a
geography book outright in each hand until I collapsed.

That's a true story, Kay.

Between Limba and the Catholics,
there wouldn't BE a BartCop.

Bonus: I was never sexually abused!

Liar in the White House

Remember last summer when Bob "Weepy" Dole was crying on the
floor of the Senate, saying the voters would either send him
"to the White House or home?"

You thought "home" was Russell, Kansas, didn't you?

ha ha

Sheep - they never learn.

Yeah, like Bob Dole would sit on the front porch swing with
his old Bag O' Hairspray and chew on a wheat straw waiting
for death's cold, icy grip to claim his bribe-taking ass!

Boy, did YOU people fall for the old trick!

Instead of retiring from politics, like he promised,
old Bob landed a job with a cushy Beltway Lobby Law firm.
Then, he gets into bed with Snoot, the most crooked man
in the history of Washington politics.

Right now, Snoot owes old Bob Dole the favor of his fucking life,
so maybe Bob didn't mean "The White House or home."

BartCop didn't fall for that bullshit.

I know Bob Dole.
Most voters didn't fall for it, either.

We don't put liars in the White House, Bob.

That's why America voted for Bill Clinton!
America loves honest politicians,
and will NOT tolerate a liar in the White House!

Great Republican Quotes

"We can't have women in the military because it's human nature
that they'll end up having sex with a soldier."

Can you believe your eyes and ears?

"It's a certainty. When men and women work closely together,
in inevitable that sex will eventually happen."





...when asked about the school-condom issue,
they say teens should learn to "just say no" to sex.


Can we believe our eyes and ears?
Would a Republican say something that stupid?

Yes, they would.
Over and over and fucking over.

They're saying that sixteen-year-old boys should "Just Say No,"
but our highly-trained professionals in the military are
"victims of human nature?"

How can they HAVE it both ways?
BartCop grabs the big-lie testicles of conservativism and twists.
Teenagers, with their brand-new 90 mile-an-hour hormones surging
thru their young veins are told to "knock it off,"




..America's well-trained fighting machines are "victims?"

Could somebody explain this shit to me?

I made a list.
This is the 713th reason why Limba Hippo-crisy blows donkey.

Two more, and Limba breaks Babe Ruth's record.


You know that $122,000 the Republicans got from Hong Kong?
Rush said "At least it wasn't from a foreign government."

Congrats to Hong Kong for becoming our 51st State.

You ever notice as Clinton moves toward the center,
Rush and the Republicans hate him even more?

They disliked "Commie Clinton,"
but they fucking HATE Centrist-Clinton.

What the hell is this?

To: BartCop

Subject: RL-LNW Volume 94


The past few months your stuff is getting better. And to think,
you mused about what you could write about after the election.
Here in SC most people hate you. (Too many right wing assholes.)
SC ranks last in education, so its no surprise.

Please continue your humor magazine.
I print it, read it, and pass it around.

What a hoot.



(Obviously a fake message, sent by one of my enemies
in an attempt to confuse me...)

February, 1997

Snoot Gingrich is looking for a way to stay in politics
after getting caught scooting-the-pooch on campaign laws.
He gets a call from our favorite Supreme Court Justus.

Slappy: Snoot, let's have dinner.

Snoot: Sure, Slappy.
Name the place.

Slappy: Your house, 8 PM.
What'll Mrs. Snoot cook?

Snoot: Do you like fried chicken?

Slappy: What, I like fried chicken because I'm a BLACK MAN?

Snoot: No.
We're having fried chicken tonight,
and you invited yourself over for dinner.

Slappy: Oh...
See you at 8 O'clock


8 PM RING!!!

Snoot: I wonder who that can be?

Opens door...

Slappy: Snoot! Hello, and isn't Mrs. Snoot a lovely sight...
She looks soooo fine. What a lovely sight...A vision of beauty...

Snoot: (?) ...Slappy! Good to see you!

Slappy: That's "Slappy, Your Honor."

Snoot: Blow it out your ass, farmboy!
Where's your white wife?

Slappy: She's not needed.

Snoot: Why are you here?

Slappy: Let's talk.
Do you have any fine cigars?

Snoot: (glaring)

Slappy: OK, I have a deal for you.
You got caught. You need 300 large.
I'm the man who can help you.

Snoot: YOU have $300,000 to loan me?

Slappy: What, I can't have $300,000 because I'm a BLACK MAN?
Is that what you're saying, Squeaker Gingrich?

Snoot: No, no, no, don't go make this a black thing...
I can't CATCH a fucking break anywhere.

What's your offer?

Slappy: OK, I'm only going to say this one time.
This is a one-time offer.
Right here, right now...

Decide right now.
Decide right now, or the deal's off.

...I'll give you $300,000 if I can kiss your wife's breasts.

Snoot: My... my.... my....

Slappy: Asshole, you got ears?
You heard me!
Last chance:
I'll give you $300,000 - cash - right now
if I can kiss your wife's breasts.
$300,000 cash, big boy.

Right Now!

Solve ALL your problems...
You have 15 seconds.

Snoot: Hmmm... Bob Dole offered me the same deal, for $150,000.
Maryann, what do you think?

Maryann: Go straight to hell for even asking, asshole.

Snoot: But Maryann, it solves our problem.

Maryann: It solves YOUR problem, Thumbdick.

Snoot: But Baby, it's our only way out!

Maryann: ...This is the last time?
This is it?

I won't screw a different Cliff Barnes every week...

Snoot: I PROMISE, Honey.
The LAST time.

Maryann: OK, I'll do it.
But we're talking about kissing titties, right?

Nothing else?

Snoot: I promise, Honey.

Maryann: OK, this one last time.
This LAST time.

Snoot: Slappy, she agrees to your terms.

Slappy: Exxxxxxcellent....

Snoot: So, how do we set this up?

Slappy: I'll sit in this chair, and Maryann, you stand before me.

Snoot: That OK with you, Honey?
Are you ready for Clarence?

Maryann: WHATEVER!
Let's get this OVER with...

Snoot: Ok, Honey, stand right here.
Slappy, you ready? You set?

Slappy: Motherfucker, I'm GO!

Snoot: OK, Maryanne, slip off your blouse...
What do you think, Slappy?

Slappy: Call me Uncle Joe.

Snoot: Uncle Joe?
I don't get it.

Slappy: I'm in Hootersville.

Snoot: So, you may begin kissing her breasts...

Slappy puts his large, firm hands on Maryann Gingrich's waist,
pulling her enticing pulcritude closer to him. Slappy warms
to the heat, the scent of her body, wondering of the pleasures
she must offer the Squeaker every year or so.

Slappy leans into Maryann, touching his cheek to hers.
Feeling her warmth made Slappy tingle.

This was the wife of the second-most powerful man in the world,
offering herself to him - the grandson of a slave.
Slappy could build an ARK with the wood he had!

He continued to nuzzle his face between her breasts.
He sniffed and snuggled.... but he didn't kiss them.

Snoot: ...Well?!

...Go ahead

...KISS them!!!!

Slappy: ...I...


...really can't afford it..

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