Jurassic Pork
Issue #96

Rush Limba - Lying Nazi Whore

The other day, I was trying to decide if Rush Limba
was stupid, or just a very ignorant son-of-a-bitch.

Then I thought to myself:
"Whoa, BartCop. You're being too narrow-minded about this."

I was right.

He's probably both.

Great GOP Quotes

"Tobacco exports should be expanded aggressively
...because Americans are smoking less."

-- Dan Quayle, America's Vice President (8/14/92)

Fatty Feedbag brags about his ability to predict the future.
Feedbag rambles in vague generalities, then claims victory
WHATEVER happens. "My predictions always come true," he claims.

Gag me with a swastika.
Here's a typical "incredible" Limba prediction:

Rush: Dan Burton's (R-Bonehead) Committee is holding hearings to
investigate the charge that Hillary was having an affair with
a married school bus driver, and she had to murder him to keep
him quiet, causing 30 kids to die in a fiery crash.

Of course, as you'd expect, the Arkansas State Medical
Examiner's office is calling it a "heart attack."
Watch Slick Willie and the White House super-spinners.
Whooooa, they're scrambling to try to explain,
change their story, blame the accuser and deny everything.

(So, after Burton makes a goddamn fool of himself, the White House,
off the record, calls Burton "a crazy idiot who doesn't have a
shred of evidence," and denies that Hillary murdered her lover
and the 30 Little Rock schoolchildren riding in his bus.)

Rush: See!!!???


I TOLD you people the other day!!
What did I predict?
What did I TELL you people?
I, an influential member of the media, have advance notice
and inside information, because I'm GOOD!!!"

Let's go to the phones...
Fred from St. Louis, you're on the Rush Limbaugh Program.

Fred: Rush, your political insight is incredible!!
It's like you're reading tomorrow's newspaper today.
You've never made a mistake, Rush. Not even one!

How can you BE so perfect?

Rush: Talent on loan from God...

I learned my lesson about backing up a work-in-progress.
Now, if I change an "a" to "the," I back the mother up.

Drivel isn't that easy to write...

From: sabutai@ix.netcom.com

Gay-Rights Backers Invited to Leave GOP

SALEM, OR (May 20, 1997) -- Two GOP gay-rights backers in the
state House remained Republicans on Monday despite being invited
by the chairman of their party to turn in their GOP credentials.

Reps. Jim Hill and Chuck Carpenter, who both represent districts
in Washington County, received identical letters Monday from state
Republican Party Chairwoman Deanna Smith telling them to
shape up or ship out.

"You are turning this Legislature session into a circus to advance
a philosophy that is detrimental to the philosophy of this party,"
said Chairwomen Smith. "You are an offense to the democratic process
and an embarrassment to the entire Republican Party."

Twenty-three other party members signed the letter.
Hill, a lifelong Republican, called the letter an embarrassment.

"They're just closed-minded bigots, is all," he said.


Great GOP Quotes

"I only use 15 percent of my brain, and half of that
is tied behind my back, just to make it fair."

-- King Of Pork, May 22, 1997

Hey, Moby.

If you're so smart, why not let a liberal speak?

Why cut him off?
Where's your confidence, Pachy?

Are you afraid someone as "sharp" as Katie Couric might
trick you like she did to George Butch and Bob Dole?

When a caller traps Limba in a argument, he lowers the volume
on the caller and says "Excuse me? Do you mean to tell me..."
and then lectures the guy for ninety seconds.

All the while, the caller is SCREAMING rebuttal to Limba's
lie-rant, but Rush has his volume turned off so ditto-sheep
will think Rush has scolded him so badly, the caller must be
staring down at his feet, kicking dirt, wishing he'd never
tangled with the "King of Debate."

..lying bastard...

..and if Katie Couric scares you, Rush,
you don't want any of me.

BartCop-ism is spreading like a Star Trek spore.

Look at the recent Iranian Presidential election results.
The right-wing, religio-wacko, Ollie-North-backed candidate,
is named Ali Akbar Nateq-Nouri.

You can tell he's a cheating, right-wing bastard,
because "Ali Akbar" means "God is Great" in Farsi.
Who's got the balls to vote against God?

(This is just like Republican primaries.)

Ali, we'll call him, was backed by Ayatollah Hoseini-Khameni,
who's actions are considered "the will of God" by the GUBMENT!!!


His interpretation of "God's will" IS the GUBMENT!!!!




Mohammed Khatami, the right-wing, religio-wacko nut to Khameni's
left, endorsed by BartCop, kicked his government-backed ass!

I must say,
with all humility...

..when we started Rush Limba-Lying, Nazi Whore HUMOR newsletter,
(now read by over 55,000,000 people on the world-wide-web)
we had no idea our political philosophy would change governments
in countries like England, Iran, and soon, France!

I feel some gratification that Iranians can look forward to more
science and logic being included into their daily lives as a DIRECT
result of our victory over ridiculous religio-nuttism.
RL-LNW is changing the globe for the good of humanity.

Now if I can get Squeaker Gingrich to fold up his tent...

Great GOP Quotes

"Another HUGE difference between Clinton and George Washington
is that Washington was deeply...DEEPLY in love with his wife."

-- Micheal Medved, confessed sexual abuser of horses

Mikey, I gotta give this one to you.

Clinton didn't love Martha Washington in the least!

Mikey, what's your source on this?
Jerry Falwell or Ralph Reed?

The New Yorker magazine reports that former FBI Agent Fay Aldrich
has confessed to fabricating stories in the book that Rush quoted
"as fact, because he was there," every day in 1996.

It's called "Money-Driven Agent - Inside The White House."

This is very, very old news.

Waaaaay back in Volume 44, we printed the transcript of the
conversation Aldrich had with his publisher about ethics.

A year later, the New Yorker thinks it has a scoop?

Check http://www.ctyme.com/bartcop Volume 44 for the full story.

The Republicans have Don Tyson on the witness stand again.
You know him, right?

He's the rich "chicken magnate" from Arkansas who hates Clinton.
The Republicans figure ex-Agri Secretary Mike Espy took bribes
from Don Tyson's company to ship spoiled chicken overseas.
Two hundred tons of rotten chicken was to be unloaded in China,
(part of the John Huang/Lippo/Trie scandal,) but the plan would
fail unless they could get Espy to override custom's objections.

Mike Espy was concerned that hundreds of millions of Chinese
people (read campaign contributors) might get sick or even die
from the Salmonella if he approved the deal.


Don Tyson didn't get super-rich because he's stoopid.

He offered Espy tickets to a Dallas Cowboy football game!!

That turned Espy around like Bob Dole on fiscal sanity.
Ever the negotiator, Espy countered-offered a deal.
"Maybe, but you gotta let me ride on the Tyson jet, too!"

Tyson accepted that caveat, and the deal was sealed.
Tyson made $2.6 billion, Espy saw the Cowboys lose.

..Am I the only sane man left?

Lissen up, you right-wingers.
If Mike Espy was taking teenie-weenie-sized bribes,
to screw the health of millions of innocent people,
I want him in jail WAY more than you do.

Remember, back in 1971?

The GOP's John Connally was taking bribes from the milk lobby.
I think he got $10,000 for his dignity.

And Spiro Agnew, Nixon's crooked, had-to-resign Vice President,
did the same thing: Sold his cheap-ass soul for $10,000.

Now, 25 years later, they think Mike Espy was changing
agriculture policy for a ticket to a fucking Cowboy game?

Endless hearings...
about any wacky charge anyone can imagine...
..claim ANYTHING

No proof is needed, nothing.
Just make a charge, buy a congressman, and watch the circus.

Just think, someday in the far, far future, the Republicans will
eventually regain the White House, and the Democrats will prove
that cold, cold payback is a bigger bitch than Lynn Cheney.

Don't you hate it when a celebrity doesn't know when to quit?

Time Magazine says William Shatner is bringing Captain Kirk back
from the dead in a new feature from Paramount Pictures called
"Star Trek - The Final Voyage, Swear To God!"

Shatner, 77, says this will be the scariest movie ever.

He'll engage in battle with Victor Borge, 89.

Great GOP Quotes

"President Butch will lead us out of this recovery.
It will happen."

-- Quayle at Cal. State University, Fresno, 1/17/92

A sad note...

George Butch lost a friend and former foreign policy advisor this
week when Mildred Kerr Butch passed away after a short illness.

They lost Millie, the White House dog.

In the 1992 Presidential campaign, you remember, Butch said,
"My dog Millie knows more about foreign policy than those 2 Bozos."

Since the Clinton Adminstruation has given the American people
59 straight months of peace, the lowest American military dead
since the 19th Century, a box around North Korea and Iraq, and the
highest level of respect of any modern day president, one would have
to conclude that Clinton is our very best foreign-policy President.


If George Butch's dog knows more about foreign policy than the best
President we've had, we can assume Millie must've been a SENIOR
advisor to Butch, offering him counsel on EVERY important matter.

We at RL-LNW did a little investigative work and found out that
Millie strongly suggested to Butch that he rewrite the instructions
April Glaspie delivered to Saddam, when she told Saddam if he wanted
to rape and strangle Kuwait, it would be "a private matter."


I'm told Millie ALSO warned Butch about weapons-for-hostages,
and said his "October Suprise" was likely to be discovered.

Most historians, however, feel the most important Millie-advice
rejected by President Butch was when she warned him that if he
continued down his path of felonies, his own escape might come
down to pardoning his co-conspirators to bury the truth.

Millie said in her best-selling memoirs,
"Boy, it'd take a REAL fuck-up to get in THAT deep."

..so, George Herbert Traitor Butch went down in history with
the stench of the pardon skunk all over his once-heroic record.
But, then again, so did Reagan, Ford and Nixon.

..In other news, the GOP said today they are erecting a
memorial to Dwight Eisenhower near the Washington Monument.
Speculation about the memorial's relationship to Millie's passing
has been rampant on Capital Hill since the bitch died.

Is it too early to handicap the GOP entries in Sweepstakes 2000?
USA Today says "No."

Here's their list:

*Lamar Alexander, lumberjack

No, don't even think about it.
The only suspense here is what color shirt he'll wear
when he tearfully resigns from the race.

*Pat Buchanan, TV commentator

Always a winner with the media, Pat creates sparks. He's a great
reminder what happens when right-wing terrorits run amok.
Pat, pleeeeease agree to run - please!

*Steve Forbes, greedy rich kid

Ha ha


If "Kid Dynamite" Dole can't sell a flat tax, how can Howdy Dooty?

*Trent Lott, politician

He won't run, he can't.
Since he's been the Senate majority leader, he's done nothing
but piss-off the right-wing voters.
He needs support from the kook-right to win primaries.

*Colin Powell, retired military

A baby-killer?

At the top of the GOP ticket?
Suddenly, the kooks are giving Buchanan a second look.

*William Weld, Ambassador to Kahlua

No way.
He's sane.

Plus, he's a baby-killer.

How can the GOP stand this many baby-killers?

*John Ashcroft, unknown


I have a rule:
If I've never heard of a son-of-a-bitch, he can't be president.

*George Herbert Traitor Butch, Junior

I always get a kick out of the media saying Butch Jr,

governor for 2+ years,

the son of arms-for-hostages,

the son of read my lips,

is a top candidate for president in the year 2000.



Besides, isn't he anti-militia?
Didn't he invade the people of the Republic of Texas?

The GOP doesn't like power-grabbers.

*John Kasich, politician


architect of the big budget "crime" everybody hates.
Besides, his gay lover told him to avoid the spotlight.
(Not that there's anything wrong with being gay...)

*John McCain, war hero




His own man,

Votes with integrity,

Doesn't suck up to anybody,

McCain could be real trouble for Gore, but not to worry.
My sources say last summer in San Diego, McCain REFUSED to kiss
Ralph Reed's ring at the Coathanger Coalition dinner.

He doesn't have a primary prayer without kissing that ring.

*Cristy Whitman, politician

Two BIG problems:

1) Baby killer and...

2) has a uterus.

Both disqualify her in Republican primaries, because the Bible says
women should ONLY do what men TELL THEM to do. So, Christy would only
be a meaningless puppet on someone else's string, a la Reagan.

*Bill Bennett (Better Than You)

Y'know, for five or six years I've heard rumors that, back in college,
Bill Bennett's family had to pay-off a coed to keep her from filing
sexual assault charges against Mr. Better-Than-You.

This prevents Bennett from running for anything.
he's got a deal with the press like Ted kennedy:
As long as he doesn't run, they won't ask.

Do I have proof about Bill Bennett?

Do I have photographs of the alleged rape?
No, I don't.

Do I know the victim's name?
No, but her last name begins with "Martinez."

Do I know the amount her family was paid?
Not exactly, but my sources say between $74,999 and $75,001.

Here at RL-LNW, we take the HIGH ROAD, and we will not accuse
Bill Bennett, (better than you) of rape charges because
we cannot provide proof of the claim we believe to be credible.

You see how different Democrats are from Republicans?

*Elizabitch Dole, Bag o Hairspray

Stop it.

Not ONLY is she a baby killer, but she has a uterus.

Haven't we covered this?
She can't be ANYTHING in the GOP.

She can be proof they "accept" women - but that's all.
Rush says "Women vote according to the arousal gap,"
meaning they can't be trusted with the vote.
..and year after year, the GOP wonders why women reject them.

Maybe Liddy dazzled the starving dingos in San Diego,
but she's a she, she's a baby killer and her husband is Bob Dole.

*Jack Kemp, Quarterback

Old number 15?
The guy who showered with OJ Simpson?

The rabid-right says he has too much dignity.
They're still pissed that he didn't pull a Dornan in the debate
with Gore, and froth at the mouth while shouting how cocaine-Clinton
raped teen virgins in the Governor's mansion in Little Rock.

Plus, he doesn't hate blacks, so he can't represent Republicans.

*Don Nickles, politician

Can you believe USA Today included him?
He got the title "Majority Whip" LONG before he got to Washington.
Nickles is a sadistic leatherboy from Oklahoma.

Worse, he's the new Senator Straddle.

Hey Don, how do you feel about MFN for China?

"Well, it depends.
On one hand, we can contain them with diplomacy,
but we should be stronger with them on trade relations."


Jesus Christ, Don.
Once in your life, take a fucking STAND on something, huh?

A test:

Hey, Don.
Is evil bad?

"Well, some say it's a plus, some say it's a minus."

Ohhhhhhhhh, Jesus!

*Snoot Gingrich - No fucking way

*Dan Quayle, dumber than a mashed potatoee

God.... Can you hear me?

God, are you there?

I take it all back.
I didn't mean any of that stuff about you.

I'm just a mixed up liberal.

If you'd let Dan Quayle run...



I don't know...

..I'll ease up on the insanity of the sick and the old giving
their life savings to sex-crazed charlatans for a full year
if you let Dan Quayle be the Republican contender in 2000.

Why do we have EXIT signs at the movie theater?

Because Hillary thinks YOU don't have the fucking brains
to leave a burning theater. That's how liberals are.

How insulting!

We're NOT that stupid, Hillary!
We don't NEED big brother pointing the way, thank you.
I know at least 50 theater owners that went out of business
because they couldn't afford Hillary's fancy fucking signs!
Besides, when's the last time you heard of a bunch of people
dying in a burning movie theater?

It just doesn't happen!

Once again, the heavy, jack-boots of big government are forcing
law-abiding picture show entrepaneurs out of business with their
liberal, know-it-all feel-good crackpot schemes.

Do you think Hillary CARES if you live or die?
She doesn't!

It's a power grab, that's all.
It's just another in a loooooong line of liberal power-grabs.
That's all there is to this issue.

That's all today's liberal and their ilk think about.
Power - and how to keep it.

They don't care if you burn in a theater, they just pretend.
You know, I'll bet Hillary could watch an orphanage burn and think
nothing of it, because that's how she is.

This is another powergrab, plain and simple.
We've seen them do it too many times before.

Liberals like to cloak themselves in good intentions so we won't
notice they're taking away our freedoms, one after another.
I tell you, it's the slippery slope - that's what it is.
I'm tired of it.

Let's to to the phones - Clearwater, Texas...

Caller: Rush, you're exactly right. My uncle owned the biggest
chain of theaters in Houston, was doing great business,
selling out every show but he had to layoff 200 people
because he couldn't afford Hillary's goddamn EXIT signs.

Rush: You see, folks?
More proof that I'm right.

By the way...
Issue 100 might be big.

We've made a new friend.

Check him out:

From: mggleven@bellatlantic.net

Subject: You Idot

(Don't hold his bad first-impression against him.)

Hey BartCop,

I think you are a complete idot.

(Did I claim to be a wise man?)

Do you disagree?

(No, I freely admit I'm an idot.)

Here I am.

(It's good to meet you.)

Do you want to hear something strange?

(I wouldn't miss this next sentence for a thousand dollars.)

I see people like you on the internet attacking Rush
and I e-mail replies and guess what:

Not one of you responds!!!!!!

(Glenlevit, I'm not like the others.)

I am not a professional anything, just an average joe.


So again, where's the respnse?

(Your respnse is still in the asking stage.
How can you demand a respnse before you ask the question?
I've got 95 issues on the WWW, and you can't find anything
on which to base a challenge?
They've called me everything from "Killer" to "Mad-dog,"
but "afraid to respond" has yet to be alleged.)

What the problem?

(MY problem? I have a problem?
My life sucks. That's my problem.
We established that in Volume 94.)

All I want to do is to chat with you about Rush.

(I'd enjoy the conversation.)

Apparently like leader you have no guts.

(Who is "Leader?"
Isn't that Bob Dole's dog?

Did you beat Bob Dole's dog in a debate?
I can out-debate Bob Dole's dog.)

Waiting (maybe in vain)



Listen to This, Eddie...

I offer you 300, no, make it 500 un-edited words to slur me,
Clinton, gays, women, blacks... anything you want.
If you're funny, you can do it every week.

I share your frustration.
I've made the same offer to at least two hundred conservatives,
but they are generally "to busy" to respond.

Since you're tired of liberals ducking the BIG questions,
I'm betting you're the man to take me down a peg.

There's 95 groups of issues to attack.
Pick a rant and show me where I'm wrong.
There's a bonus for using numbers.

Gotta warn you, tho.
I made President Nixon's lawyer dance like a crack whore.
(Audiotape available FREE!) So be careful, and keep it friendly.

This is a humor newsletter.
You don't have to make sense, but you have to be funny.

From: Brian Seward - pseward@Alaska.NET

(Seward? Alaska?
This already smells like a gag...)

Subject: Your Site

I found your website by putting "phlem" in Yahoo's search engine.
Quite fitting, I think!



(Brian, you shouldn't put "Phlem" in your search engines,
...clogs it up.)

(I didn't make that up.)

Great GOP Quotes

"Beavis and Butthead are animated THUGS, and need to be stopped."

-- Micheal Medved, noted horse molester,

Once again, Republican hippo-crits have "no promlemo"
if Arnold wants to murder 27 policemen in "The Terminator,"
but there's a national morality crisis if Beavis says "boner?"

And when you try to pin them down on this, they change the subject.

Imus: We're here with Dan Quayle, discussing "family values."
Sir, when you think about it, aren't same-sex marriages
about commitment, about taking personal responsibilty?
Isn't that what "family values" are about?

Quayle: Well, I try NOT to think about that, but if I DID think
about it, I'd consider that if you have a man, and you
have another man, and no women there at all that are
married to either of these men, right off the bat,
you don't have family values. No way at all...

Besides, what if they produce children?

Imus: Well, I imagine there'd be a Nobel in it for 'em...

(Music Pounding...)

"It's another Politically Incorrect, with Bill Maheeeeeerrrrrr.

His guests tonite:

Micheal Reagan

Lynn Redgrave

Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols
and Harvey Fierstein, the gay guy."

I watched this debate unfold, wondering if Michael Reagan
and Johnny Rotten would come to blows.

My mistake.
I didn't know Johnny Rotten was a Reagan Fascist.

How COULD I know?

Reagan and Rotten are political twins.
They both attacked Fierstein for being gay.

Then, Mikey's Clinton attack:
It was amazing.

It was the last five political years distilled into 9 minutes.

Micheal Reagan: All of Clinton's Arkansas friends are dead.

Bill Maher: So, you're accusing Clinton of murder?

Reagan: No, I'd never do that.
I'm just saying all his friends are dead.

Maher: So you ARE accusing Clinton of murder.

Reagan: No, I'm just saying all his friends are dead.

Maher: Do you think Clinton murdered them?

Reagan: I never said that.

Maher: But you clearly ARE implying that.

Reagan: No, I'm just saying all his friends are dead.

Maher: So stop saying it if you don't mean it?

Reagan: Did I say I didn't mean it?

Maher: I think you did.
Did you?

Reagan: I'd never say that.

...and on it went. You see how they are?

It's like a baseball player, his foot on second base,
DARING the pitcher to pick him off!

His goddamn FOOT is on the base, guaranteeing his safety,
while he taunts the pitcher for being unable to catch him.

That's Micheal Reagan.

He wants to say, "Who ME? I never said that," while saying that.

The truth?

Ballet dancer Ron Reagan Jr. got Reagan's balls.
Micheal is like Limba, Liddy, Starr and D'Amato:

ZERO evidence, but willing to whore on the off-chance something,
anything might eventually appear and back up their suppositions.

While Bill Maher is no BartCop, he KEPT slapping Mike Reagan.
Each time, Reagan had to admit he had NOTHING but vague suspicions
and unfounded, gratuitous assertions.

Micheal Reagan, GOP brain-trust, whipped by Bill Maher.

Ha ha

What, Carrot Top was busy?

ha ha

>From The Economist,

More Great GOP Quotes

"The 1996 Congess is as anti-Republican as anything we've seen.

-spending is up...

-our family-planning program includes abortion...

-the budget for Washington committee staff is higher...

This is anti-everything we came here to do.
We've HAD IT with the whole system, not just the Republicans."

-- The Jesus Twins, Tom Coburn and Steve Largent

For the first time, after 40 issues of getting RL-LNW,
Compuserve confirms that His Porkness is getting RL-LNW:

From: CompuServe_Mail (postmaster@compuserve.com)

Subject: Delivery report for message to RUSH

Message-Id: (199705210039.TAA06727@dfw-ix9.ix.netcom.com)
Received: from tul-ok6-34.ix.netcom.com( by
dfw-ix9.ix.netcom.com via smap (V1.3) id sma006682;

(There was more compu-speak, but why bother?)

Subject: RL-LNW Volume 95

Hey Rush, any rebuttal?

I'll give you 500 words to slur me before I make you dance.

.....I didn't think so.

Clearing my throat...

It's Memorial Day.

You'll need to excuse my language on this next piece, because
I'm not a very good writer, and sometimes I resort to profanity
when I don't have the proper words to express myself.
I wish I was more eloquent.

In my lifetime, over 100,000 men have died fighting our wars.
We can argue the mission and the tactics, but we can't debate
the courage of the men and women who fought the wars.

Is there a more anguished sound than bagpipes
at Arlington Cemetery on Memorial Day?

No matter who was president, no matter which war, no matter what the mission, if you went
into harm's way for your country, America owes you, and your widows and children, BIG time.
Same for policemen and firefighters.

I have a war story for you.

It was D-Day, June 6th, 1944 on the beaches of Normandy.
As the final echoes of German machine-gun fire faded,
thousands of wounded Americans were rushed to hospital ships.

Soldiers in two-man teams had the worst job:
Picking up the dead, and putting their bodies on flatbed trucks.
One guy grabbed the hands, the other guy grabbed the boots.
"Get them in the truck, move as fast as you can," they were told.

This one team was moving down the beach, loading body after body.
Bodies on top of bodies - pieces of bodies - parts. They grabbed the next body
- and they heard a sound.  A soldier they thought was dead was somehow still alive.
Much of his mid-section had been shot away. Minutes from death, he looked up at them,
gasping for air, and said "...not...yet..."

He was looking at a picture of a girl.

His wife?
His fiance?

The dying soldier was staring at her picture, waiting to die, wondering what might've been,
knowing he'd never see her again, knowing that he'd never get to live his life with her.
A minute later, he was gone, and they put his body on the truck.

He was eighteen.

If you know a veteran, give him or her a break.

If that's too much for you to handle,
if you think veterans have it too easy,
if you think veterans should take a cut in benefits,
if you think veterans should stop "whining,"
I want you to do three things for me:

-Get off my subscriber list,

-Go fuck yourself,

-Go to your local VFW Post, find a "lucky" old veteran who
only lost an eye or a hand or a leg, and explain it to him.

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