Vol 103 - Please, Please, Get Up Off Your Knees

David Duke, the former KKK Imperial Grand Dragon has been elected
chairman of the Republican Executive Committee in Louisiana.

His committee is responsible for setting GOP policy at the
local level. Duke supporters won control of the committee in
March of 1996. Last Wednesday, the committee voted 15-0 to
elect the former Grand Dragon to the GOP chairmanship.
(You black people better be voting.)

It's always funny when I get mail saying "How can you even
SUGGEST that Rush is a Nazi," and then we read the news that
the Republicans elected KKK-boy to be chairman in Louisiana.

Rush and Duke, now THERE'S a ticket for the year 2000.

Let's go right to the phones...

From: HWGilstrap@aol.com

Subject: you rush asshole patriot

get a reel job and stop making something ohter than ecxuses
for bildo and hillarious catch my drift pervert
Write back

Homer Gilstrap

(Sir, what you lack in punctuation and cohesiveness,
you make up for with personality and charm.
Don't be a stranger.)

Great GOP Quotes

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward
more freedom and democracy. But that could change."
--Dan Quayle, former Vice President

Danny, PLEASE come back.

So... Paula Jones's second set of pimps have quit her.

Davis and Cammarata might've become famous over this bad joke,
(if Jerry Falwell is right, they'll be in a "car wreck" soon)
but it seems they didn't get paid very much. After years of
"working" Paula, she's rejecting all settlement offers.

"It's not about the money," she continues to insist.
("Whenever they say it's NOT about the money,
it's about the money." -- Rush Limba)

"It's about getting my good name back."
(Honey, of you got your "good name back,"
you'd be Gennifer Flowers with a much smaller nose.)

Rush says "thousands" of pimps are calling her, offering
to "work" her. But what kind of a pimp would work a girl
who says in advance she won't accept any money??

From: SENATOR@nickles.senate.gov

Subject: Re: RL-LNW Volume 102

I want to let you know I have read your newsletter
and appreciate your humor and your interest in politics.

I'd also like to invite you to visit my home page at:

Working for you,
United States Senator Don Nickles

PS. Whatever happened to Poker at Al's?

(Poker at Al's will return soon.
The problem is Senator D'Amato's brain injury has aggravated
his long-dormant Tourrette's problem. If he exaggerates or
tells a lie, he feels compelled to curse very crudely.
His doctors say he's getting better every week.

But Senator, tell me, I gots to know...
What went through your mind when Reagan introduced you as
"Don Rickles" at that fund-raiser in Oklahoma City in 1986?)

Great GOP Quotes

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be
convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people
are homeless and going without food and medical attention
and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."
-- Ronald "Red-Ink" Reagan

Remember this bonehead from our last issue?

From: ptrblood@yuba1.yubacoe.k12.ca.us

The best thing that would happen is if some nut got thru
the air defenses of Washington DC and obliterated it
off the face of the earth!!!!
Peter Blood

It was pointed out to me that his address means this
wacko-bomber nut might be a SCHOOL TEACHER.

And the Republicans want to take over the education system?

Speaking of wacko-bomber nuts...

I have a spy at Harper Collins, the company that's publishing
Snoot's new book "Lessons of Leadership." Snoot is "sprinkling"
the book with lessons he's learned in office.
My spy said lesson Number Two is "Don't Fuck with Clinton,"
which is the same as Lesson Number One.

I can't wait to read this book.

The Senseless Tragedy

Twenty years ago, I heard a wise man say,
If you want to live a long life, do three things:

1. Don't drive drunk or ride with a drunk driver.
2. Wear your seatbelt.
3. Watch your blood pressure and cholesterol.

Diana Spencer broke at least two of the three rules.
...but that's not the tragedy to which I refer.

The REAL tragedy here was the Republican's reaction.

Why in the world was it necessary for conservatives to trash
this poor woman with a full week of non-stop personal slurs,
even before her family could bury her?

It was Jackie Kennedy all over again.
Remember THAT incredible slurfest?
Rush wondered if Jackie's grave was any COLDER than the bed
she shared with JFK as they lowered her body into the ground.

...and they say Rush is a decent human being?

But why is Diana so HATED by Republicans?
Micheal Medved and Roger Hedgehog helped explain it:
She was often seen in the company of Elton John and Versace,
two openly gay men. As all good Christians know, gays are
"God's abomination," or some such shit.

Diana raised hundreds of millions for different charities
around the world, so I guess that made her a "do-gooder."
And if THOSE aren't reasons enough, she was against land mines.

Not sure why, but all good, GOP-Christians are PRO-land mine,
and Diana was seen as a threat to the stated conservative goal
of "More Land Mines in More Countries."

I'll tell you who REALLY pissed me off was Roger Hedgehog.
He kept asking "Why are people so worked up about her?
Lady Di didn't cure cancer, she wasn't a genius, she never
wrote any great books or operas or anything, so why?"

What a bastard.
Then, like they ALWAYS do, he got worse.

Prior to Mother Teresa's death, Hedgehog said,
"I think we need to put this in perspective.
We should compare Lady Di to... say, ...Mother Teresa."

Then he went on and on about Mother Teresa and how she was a
better person than Lady Di, as though comparing someone to
Mother Teresa is the BEST way to measure a person's worth.

Hey, Hedgehog, I have a BETTER idea.
Let's compare Mother Teresa with... say... NANCY REAGAN!

"My life really began when I married my husband,"
is how her autobiography starts.
(She was pregnant at her wedding. Ronnie knocked her up,
and back in the 30's that was REALLY unacceptable.)

Nancy Reagan, one of the young ho's in Jack Warner's stable,
met Ronnie when he was threatening to bolt Warner Brother's.
Jack sent her to mollify (read "blow") the whining ingrate.
When she found out that Reagan was rich,
she clamped on his ass like a barnacle on a battleship.

Rush always whines "Who is Hillary without Bill?"
Hey, Fatboy, who is Nancy without Ronnie?

Hillary is an intelligent, Yale-educated lawyer.
Nancy was a "starlet/knobber specialist."
So when you compare a "knobber specialist" to Mother Teresa,
Nancy Reagan comes up a little short, don't you think?

Remember when Nancy "entertained" Frank Sinatra in the White
House while unsuspecting Ronnie was overseas?

I don't think getting drunk and screwing Frank Sinatra compares
favorably with comforting dying lepers in Calcutta.

Do you?

Did you all see Susie Creamcheese's new show on CBS Saturday?
She was a little nervous, but that's to be expected.
Her black co-host did most of the talking.

By the way, when was the last time you saw a Republican
work with a black guy who didn't play for Oklahoma?

Plus, she wore pants instead of a slit-to-here "f-me" skirt
like she wore when she was on Letterman's show.
Hey, Susie!
If you're not going to show your legs, like, what's the point?
Do you think you were hired for your brain?
Ha ha

Did you know Susie can sing? As they were closing, Susie said
she was the new spokeswoman for Hoover Vacuum Cleaners.
They played a clip from her commercial.

Susie was wearing nothing but a purple teddy as she wailed
their slogan in the throes of passion:

"Nobody does it like you, Hoover.
Nobody else has the power to please me..."

...as though she's doing more than cleaning with that nozzle.
Suze, I hope they paid you well.

Have you heard this VERY true story?

In 1985, when Lady Di visited America for the first time,
she asked the Reagan White House if they could arrange for
John Travolta to be there.
She wanted to dance with "Mr. Saturday Night Fever."
I remember when they auctioned off Diana's dresses,
the one she wore when she danced with Travolta went for
LOTS more than most of the others.

Anyway, that evening went PERFECT, they say, until our
beloved President Reagan introduced her to the HUNDREDS
of dignitaries gathered for this special event,

swear to Koresh,
and you know when I swear to Koresh it's 100% true,

...Reagan introduced her as "Princess David!"

Great GOP Quotes

"For seven and a half years I've worked with President Reagan.
We've had triumphs.
Made some mistakes.
We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks."
--George Bush, finally admitting everything

From: erdfgy767a@aol.com

Subject: The Lord showed me in a vision

.... and the Lord showed me in a vision, a great serpent,
and in the belly of the serpent was Christís Church;
whole, alive, but trapped in the serpentís belly.....


Rush your order today to:
P.O. BOX 110030

(Dude, my money is on the way.
Christ, that's CHEAP!
But, why is the Church in the serpent's belly?
The Lord Himself showed you this vision?
His powers are still intact, even in the beast's belly?
Was the coup in Heaven from last issue successful?

Those wacko Republicans want to pass a resolution thanking the
late Mother Teresa for her stance on abortion. Remember, she
criticized Clinton for condoning abortion in some cases.
That's OK with the staff here at RL-LNW.
Mother Teresa wasn't a hypocrite.
She was a Catholic and her opinion was her opinion.


Mother Teresa was also against the death penalty.
She doesn't want Tim McVeigh executed.
The dirty hippos of the GOP FAILED to mention that,
PROVING they were just whoring for votes, instead of
honoring a great woman for her self-sacrifice.

The GOP, the party of whores...

From: tbarlow@erols.com

Subject: Bob Dole Calls Dr. Laura (RL-LNW Volume 27)

People like you could benefit from the higher morals and
strong family devotion expoused by Rush and Dr. Laura!

Tom Barlow

(Tommy, babyyyyyyyy.
Strong family devotion?
Are you fucking kidding me?

Dr. Laura's in her second marriage.
Rush is on his THIRD wife.
Marta's on her second husband.
Snoot and Dole and Tommy Lee all traded up.
Meanwhile, Clinton, BartCop, McGovern and Carter stayed with
their wives for allllll those years.

Must be a values thing, like you said, Dumbass.)

This, from the U2 Newsgroup on the Internet:

"The face of Princess Diana lit up the giant screen behind U2
last night as the band ended the Dublin leg of its world tour
with a musical tribute. The crowd of 40,000 applauded warmly
and many held lighters in the air as Bono turned to the screen
and sang "Sleep... sleep tonight" from the song "MLK,"
originally written as a tribute to Martin Luther King.

(...more phoney, liberal crap, I suppose.)

This, from Jim

"Yet, for all his father's patriotism, and deep-rooted fear of
Communism, Rusty (Rush) did not enlist to preserve those ideals.
The official explanation, David Limbaugh said, is that Rush had
a student deferment and, LIKE HIS FATHER, had a PILONIDAL CYST
on his ass which qualified him for a medical deferment."

"Rush", by Michael Arkush, 1993, Avon Books, p. 29.

(So, Rush's sainted Daddy ALSO forgot to wipe?
How disgusting.

Being TOO dirty for the army, and using your infected ass
to avoid serving his country is a Limba family tradition?)

From: DJmndbendr@aol.com

Subject: Your not funy

if what i just read on your page is good clean political satire
then the KKK is a family oriented organization promoting
family values your envy of Limbaugh is a parent he has the
most-listened-too radio show in histery that must really gall
a left-wing liberal terp like yourself cause all you can claim
is this second rate web page

Attention, everyone.
I have an important announcement.

It doesn't,
and you can't.
and you won't,
and it don't.

It hasn't,
and it isn't,
and it ain't,
and you shoulndn't.

This message was brought to you by the Republican
National Committee and the Coathanger Coalition.

From: sjcoffee@rockisland.com

Subject: lack of sunlight

i hate you boy have you had you're head wear the sun
doesn't shine to long hail to your beloved heros they
have al been so suucessful get a life you Natzi bastard

Steve Herring
Herring Real Estate
Rock Island, IL

(See the friendly folks at Herring Real Estate
for all your real estate needs.)

Scary GOP Quotes

"The judges need to be intimidated, they need to
uphold the Constitution. If they don't behave,
we're going to go after them in a big way."
-- Rep. Tom DeLay in 9/14 Washington Post

From: Tomomi@worldnet.att.net

Subject: Re: RL-LNW Volume 102

when you get your head out of the left's ass one might
be able to hear more than the modern liberal vomit.

But please keep me updated with your
regular communist and socialist sermons.

Mike Villano

(Did you know 30% of RL-LNW subscribers are Republicans?)

Paul Harvey says "NASA is lying to America" about the level
of safety on the space station Mir.

He didn't say "some people alledge...," or "I heard a rumor..."
No, he just stated it as a fact.
He claims our astronauts are forced to endure unspeakable
hardships that NASA is covering up so we won't pull the plug
on the space station funding that we send to Russia.

Hey, Paul!
Don't you have a horse that needs molesting or something?

Why don't you provide a source or shut the fuck up?
If an astronaut from Mir told you something, SAY SO!
But if this rumor is as solid as your other "facts,"
you should strongly consider getting your wrinkled,
lying ass out of the broadcasting business.

Great GOP Quotes


-- Jesse Helms, NC-Caveman

Well, things were pretty slow in Oklahoma so I loaded up
the BartCop-mobile and drove Mrs. BartCop to Colorado.
It's about 13 hours from here to Estes Park.
I found out why Kansans are crazy.
If you do the speed limit on I-70, the breaks in the pavement
give you bump-bump, bump-bump, bump-bump for 3 hours straight.
Jesus, that's tough on a sane mind.

We stopped for gas in Russell, Kansas, home of Bob Dole.
On a whim, I asked if I could pay for the gas with a check.
The lady looked me up and down and said "Sure."
I didn't even have to show her my ID.

Ha ha

In his commercial for Visa, Bob Dole says he had to show
his ID to cash a check in Russell, Kansas.
But, Ol' BartCop doesn't need to?
Must be my honest face.

Stayed in a cabin on Fall River in Rocky Mtn Park.
The sound of the water crashing over the rocks,
the sound of the wood crackling in the fireplace,
the sound of the rib-eyes sizzling on the outdoor grill,
the sound of ice tinkling when the Stoli's hit the Kahlua,
but the hand-rolled cigarette was as quiet as Harpo...
I was wrong - there IS a Heaven.

It's so beautiful there, I'm surprised Snoot hasn't invited
Monsanto to move in with heavy equipment and fuck it up.
What a place to relax...
The air was Algore-fresh!
It was so quiet, I could hear blood moving thru my ears.
We saw deer,
we saw elk,
we saw pica,
we saw coyote,
ol' BartCop even saw beaver!

Cheeses, if you EVER want to totally relax,
go to Rocky Mountain Park in the off-season.
It's like a Star Trek holodeck.
Things can't get any more peaceful - unless a mountain lion taps

you on the shoulder. There was one thing that pissed me off.
AFTER we walked around Bear Lake, we saw a sign saying what to do

if you're confronted by a mountain lion.
It said: Make noise, Try to stay on your feet and FIGHT BACK!
Sounds to me like the cat wins every time.
At least they didn't tell us to pray during the attack.

Anyway, you know how Rush claims his "mighty" EIB signal
"blankets" America? Well, it doesn't.
You can't hear any Nazi lies in Estes Park, the town nearest
Rocky Mountain Park. But as we came down out of the mountains,
we picked up Slur-Central near Boulder...


(time out)

I don't think I've ever mentioned the JonBenet murder case.
Can you believe the incompetence of the Boulder cops?
And this is AFTER the OJ Simpson case.
How incompetent can cops BE after OJ?
Don't the cops in Boulder own TV's?

Since the snow outside the house under the windows was intact,
they're CERTAIN that the killer walked through the front door
of the Ramsey house on Christmas Day.

Funny, I know everyone who entered MY house Christmas Day.
I'll bet you do, too.

Can you believe the parents went to sleep Christmas night
and didn't know where their six year-old daughter was?
Shit, I usually know where my CATS are at bedtime.

Experts say the ransom note was written by a fairly
intelligent person with no criminal experience.

1. The note said "We respect you, but not your government."
The murderer respects them?

2. The note said "Get the money from YOUR account."
They care WHERE the money comes from?

3. "Get plenty of rest for the delivery."
Gee, what a nice guy this killer is.

4. "We'll check you for a wire when we meet."
They want to MEET him?
Why not a money DROP, Einstein?

5. "We are a small, foreign faction."
Nobody would call themselves that.

6. The FBI says the perp wrote SEVERAL kidnap notes.
They found the previous versions.
What, the killer thought he'd be graded on neatness?

This case is clearer than OJ.

If the parents didn't do it, they're protecting the killer.
There's a step-teen living in the house, my first guess.
But the Keystone, I mean Boulder cops have cleared him.
The cops feel they have enough evidence to indict the parents,
but the DA says he'll drop the charges if they're filed.
They say the DA is "close friends" with the Ramsey's attorney.
What a mess.
I'll bet the DA is a Republican.
The killer likely will go free unless he/she/they confess.

...much to the chagrin of Mrs. BartCop, who dislikes Pork-Off
as much as I do, we started getting his signal again near Boulder.

I was afraid I'd missed a lot, playing Davy Crockett for a week,
but as his hate-rants became clear I discovered his topic of the
week was... Toenail Fungus.

swear to Koresh!
If you heard the show Thursday, you know it's true.

The biggest radio show in history was having ditto-monkeys
call in with their infected-foot stories. Rush bragged that his
fax machine was "busting at the seems" because EVERYONE had
an infected-foot story to tell - and he encouraged them!
After Mrs. BartCop threw up, she demanded that I change the
station, so I did. I turned it on an hour later and heard...

"Hi, Rush. I'm 73 years old and I had a yellowish slime
oozing out of my toenail for months and months. It hurt like
hell and the doctors refused to help me stop the yellow oozing,
so finally I just pulled the old, yellow nail off..."

Mrs. BartCop started to turn green, so I turned it off again.
I really didn't get to hear much of Thursday's show, because
Rush wouldn't talk about anything but infected feet.

Friday, as we were driving home, Rush was saying how proud
he was that his hero Jesse Helms was standing firm.
Rush, I agree with you.
We're all proud of the Caveman.

If Helms backed down and allowed the former GOP governor a
chance at a fair hearing, he'd seem almost-human.
But no, he stayed "Jesse Helms" all day.
Rush says "We need more men like Jesse Helms in the Senate."
Dittoes, Rush.

This leads us to the BIG battle:
The sane and insane factions of the GOP are fighting for the
heart and soul of the Republican Party. As long as they lean
towards Jesse Helms and away from Bill Weld, they can't win
the White House. Maybe Helms can carry a backward hole like
North Carolina, by showing commercials of a decent white guy
losing his job to "a quota negro," but the GOP can't win
without New York, California, Florida, New jersey, Illionois,
Pennsylvania and Ohio, you know - the civilized states.

One other thing - the "Clinton genius" factor.
Some pundits have criticized Clinton for half-way supporting
the Weld nomination, but that's the GENIUS of it all.

Clinton works on his putting game while the GOP eats itself.


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