I know RL-LNW hasn't been very funny lately.
Truth be told, we're down from twenty writers to only nine.
We lost our spell-czeker for failing her drug test,
and we had to fire two assistant ediotrs for failing to pay
Social Security taxes on their nannies. The other eight
suddenly took Family Leave, crippling the magazine.
Damn that Clinton!
So, we have several openings here at the RL-LNW Home Office.
Male applicants need not apply. We're looking for submissive
Republican women, preferrably attractive, with low self-esteem.
Must have computer skills and at least a Pentium 200.
(Send picture of micro-processor.)
No phone calls, please.
You want my opinion?
Chris Rock now holds the title as "Funniest Man on Earth."
I can't even think of who might be #2, although Limba
pops into my head when I think of "Number Two."
Chris's guest this Friday at 11:30 EST is our old friend,
Oklahoma Rep. Uncle OJ Watts!!
You know Uncle OJ, right?
He's the ONLY black Republican in congress.
He legitimizes the entire Republican Party!
Think about that.
...what if he went to Snoot and said "I want "X" or I'm
going to turn Democrat and say the GOP wears The Hood."
Uncle OJ might be the fifth most powerful man in America.
(OJ's early moral-influences were his ultra-democratic
family and the ethics and guidance of Barry Switzer.)
Some people think he's just a former black athlete for a
national-title-winning Oklahoma football team, but he's
actually VERY sharp, and I can prove it:
USA Today called his office and asked why he was willing
to do a show... Hello?... like... Chris Rock's?
Know what he said?
"I'm doing the Chris Rock show for three reasons."
1. He has minorities on his show,
2. He's NOT raunchy,
3. and he's NOT political.
A clean, non-political, black stand-up comedian?
It appears Uncle OJ knows as much about Chris Rock as
he does most issues on which he's taken a strong stand.
We can't blame Uncle OJ, can we?
Last issue I said Jocelyn Elders can't be expected to know the
correct pronunciation of every white guitar player in England.
So, in all fairness, how can we possibly expect Uncle OJ Watts
to know anything about Chris Rock?
After all, Chris Rock is black.
Uncle OJ, let me give you a little tip,
a little tip from your good friend BartCop in Oklahoma:
If Chris Rock asks you if you've ever had a "tossed salad,"
just get up and walk away, for the good of your party.
Set those VCR's kids.
This could be a major riot.
Subject: RL-LNW Volum 9
The nations schols isn'y that good anymor 25 years
took out prayer in pubic schools, down hill ever since the
national debt was m ostly aguired during the 80's when Reagan
was president but who war in contorl of spending the democats
I am i big fan of Rush Limbaugh i listen to him
whenever i get
the chance to but it is hard to because i am buzy getting by
degree in enginearing and working thrity hours a week.
I am white, replublican, and christin
(God, there's a shocker!)
God will see his revenge on the faggots crooks
Somehow, RL-LNW got listed on a Hunter S. Thompson "Gonzo" page:
If you're bored, check it out.
surpise im back
Subject: RL-LNW Volum 20
the only peeple that should be aborted are people
like you and
liberel faggotqueers you are an asshole it is poeple like you who
are running this country i work hard for my money my education and
i will be damed if i will let some but fucking liberal in congree
give it to some illegle immigrant from mexico that is sucking up
welfar like theres no tomrrow fuck you if people like you stay in
power their will be no tomorow you asshole better wake up and see
you you are doing because all that you are taking my money and
giving it to fucking mexicans and blacks who are two fat and lazy
to work rupublicans are rich because were smart you havenot heard
the last off me
Sir, please believe me when I say I enjoyed your letter.
Do me a favor. Read each issue of RL-LNW and report back.
We will print every word, unedited, swear to Koresh.
Great GOP Quotes
"We need to stop being a lily-white party if we
to continue as a power in the next 10-15 years."
--N.M. Senator Pete Dominici (R-Bonehead)
(Good Morniiiiinnnng, GOP!!!)
Subject: who are you?
I recently received your latest newsletter entitled:
"RL-LNW Volume 104: Promise Keepers-Losers Weepers.
Your humor bites.
Can we talk about ugly fund raising?
The CDC says cigarette smoking and second-hand smoke
cause 140,000 fetuses to abort every year in America.
One estimate of the number of partial-birth abortions
each year is less than 100.
Do a little math:
The GOP spent 1996 campaigning on partial-birth abortions, hoping
to save those fetuses, the majority of which had no chance to live.
Meanwhile, 140,000 healthy fetuses died due to the effects of nicotine.
Do we investigate the GOP for taking murder-bribes from the cancer lobby?
We have 140,000 dead babies, according to the pro-lifers.
No, those lives aren't important.
We need to know which phone Clinton used to kick Dole's ass.
Memo to Ditto-Monkeys Worldwide:
I am not an idot.
I am not ignoranc.
I'm not a fukcing liberel and
I will not moove to another country.
That is all.
Great GOP Quotes
"Janet Reno has her vanity... and her...ego so
in this, ......that very FACT proves she should resign."
--Pat Buchanan, translated from the original German
Excuse me, but did anyone see a fact there?
The GOP has has a whoooooole lot of "facts" like that.
Subject: Rush's Military Record
I need some information on Limbaugh in the Military.
Did he have a deferment?
Can you shed any light on this?
By the way - I served 2 years as a combat medic.
Thanks for your help,
Mike, I salute your service to our country.
Warning to the ladies: I need to explain this
in frank, medical terms, forgive me.
Rush never got to serve in the military.
He was literally "too un-clean" to serve his country.
This sounds like a BartCop gag, but it's not.
He got a medical deferment for his infected ass.
It's not a joke.
It was a pilodinal cyst that kept Rush safely at home.
His butt-hair got infected because Rush didn't wipe.
The Army calls it "jeep rot," named for a condition soldiers
get when they don't have toilet paper on the field of battle.
Like his Daddy, Rush didn't keep his ass clean.
It got so infected, the Army wouldn't draft him during Vietnam.
Rush admitted this on his show, I've heard it myself,
so I don't want to hear from some ditto-monkey that I
probably never heard his show before.
You know what the big irony is here?
Rush CONSTANTLY says that the environmentalists are "stupid"
to want a clean Earth, and that it's not even necessary,
"because the Earth cleans itself."
I have a question, if you don't mind.
Does Earth clean itself as often as you cleaned your infected, fat ass?
Great GOP Quotes
"The only thing you get from kindergarten is germs."
--Phyllis Schaffly, of the FEC, The Fuck Education Coalition
Why do Republicans hate education so much?
Why is education a such a THREAT to conservatives?
Is it because educated people vote Democrat?
When Rush whines about "pointy-headed liberals at Harvard
and Yale," he's ridiculing people with a good education.
At what point did education become bad?
And what role did organized religion play?
Besides, first-graders are only marginally more hygenic than
kindergarten kids, so why screw with first grade? Or second?)
Great GOP Quotes
"Sure, I admit we all do it, but Clinton did it MORE!"
--Oklahoma Embarrassment Don Nickles, (R-Bonehead) trying
to straddle his way out of ANOTHER schoolboy gaff.
Rush has guaranteed that El Nino will NOT drop much rain on
Southern California. As he always does, Rush ridiculed Gore's
attempts to prepare California for the expected 30-inch downpour.
It will be interesting to watch.
The last big El Nino in 1983 caused $800,000,000 damage.
(That's 800 million dollars for creation-mathers.)
To hear Rush explain it:
How DARE Al Gore try to minimize damage and saves lives!
That Gore is such a phoney bastard - PRETENDING he cares if
people live or die, all for another liberal power grab.
Gore is "needlessly" scaring us with his lies, and for any
excuse to increase "big government" control over us.
I can't wait to hear Donutboy's spin when America thanks
Gore for saving hundreds of lives and billions of dollars.
Of course, if it fails to rain very hard, I might have to admit
for the FIRST time that a Rush prediction actually came true.
We'll check back in a couple of months...
The whores of the media are making a BIG thing about Microsoft
possibly having to pay a million dollar-per day fine for
forcing their ugly browser on computer buyers.
but Mr. Gates is not worried.
A million dollars a day is only 365 million dollars a year.
It takes almost three years to get to a billion dollars.
Gates has more than 40 billion dollars.
So, after 120 years, he'll lose much of his pre-1997 income?
Great Sheep Quotes
Caller: Rush, I've listened to you every
day for four years,
and I've NEVER gotten the impression that you were
out to get liberals or President Clinton.
Rush: My only objective was the truth, and to be fair.
Caller: And you are, ...TOO fair, and TOO honest...
Rush: Thank you...
Makes you want to hurl, doesn't it?
In Knuckledrag Oklahoma, where the RL-LNW Home Offices are,
Rush Limba spews his hate from 1 PM to 4 PM, weekdays.
Now, Ollie Traitor is on a different AM station from 1-5 PM,
tearing the KKK/McVeigh audience in half.
Much as I like the sound of that, what are they after?
Why would they cut each other's throats?
Why cut into Limba's mob with a different caveman?
It's not about spreading Newt's revolution?
It's about stealing money from brainless dorks?
Are you sure???????????
Does Rush know about this?
It's not about "being the best one can be?"
It's about making millions from clueless sheep?
Do the ditto-monkeys know?
Oh, I see...
From Meet the Press
(Oct 19, 1997)
Russert: Bill Bennett (better than you)
can you explain why
women vote overwhelmingly for democrats?
Bennett: That thing between their legs... makes 'em stupid.
Russert: I... I...
The mystery of the gender gap deepens...
This just in...
James McDougal says he's a Promise Keeper.
He said he didn't want Susan "burdened with decision-making,"
so he didn't tell her shit about Whitewater.
C'mon, Promise Keepers.
You'll buy that, right?
If the man makes the decisions, she's innocent, right?
Ringo Starr's office announced that they've filed ANOTHER
charge in the Mike Espy criminal investigation.
Ringo personally ordered an additional charge against
Mike Espy's girlfriend for accepting a $97 gift.
I'm starting to get pissed off again.
Wake the kids, they need to hear this.
Remember in the early 80's when one of Reagan's butterboys
took a $10,000 watch/bribe from the Japanese?
What was his name?
Not Don Regan, but a old, rich white guy who looked like him.
The GOP hooted like Ned Beatty over a Georgia log.
"All he did was accept a harmless gratuity," they
"He was just being polite to the Japanese," they said.
Yet, Espy might do time for watching a Cowboys game?
Espy might do time for watching a Cowboys game?
And the $97 felony might swing the whole case against him.
...and in related Whitewater news, Ringo Starr's office in
Little Rock announced they have indicted a fruity zinfendel.
This, insiders say, is the direct result of the ham sandwich,
indicted by Inquisitor Starr back in 1996.
Our sources say Ham Sandwich has been cooperating with
Herr Starr for a year, and other indictments are expected.
"We have zinfendel, and we have Ham," said Starr. "If they agree
to testify against Potatoe Salad, we'll have us a goddamn picnic."
Really Great Demo Quotes
Oklahoma's premier embarrassment, Senator Don Nickles,
(R-Bonehead) asked Harold Ickes if the president's
political friends were invited to ride on Air Force One.
"No, we invited people we DIDN'T like, you fucking
Ickes snapped back.
Hey, I LIKE this Harold Ickes dude!
He's kind of like BartCop, ...but with brains.
Subject: Re: RL-LNW Volume 104
Many thanks for contacting me at my electronic
I commend you for taking advantage of this latest method of
communication. I must admit, however, that for an old
newspaper man who still punches out letters on a manual
typewriter, this innovation is mind-boggling.
Jesse Helms, Caveman
United States Senator
Senator, with no respect, I submit the concept of
racial-equality is mind-boggling for a caveman.
Great GOP Quotes
Reporter: Senator McCain, did you really say that Snoot's
poll numbers were nearly as low as Jeffery Dahmers?
McCain: I regret having used that phrase...
BartCop Goes to Church
My niece got married in a Catholic Church Saturday.
The ceremony was conducted by my brother, a priest.
I don't have a lot to say about the religious ceremony, but one
thing happened that struck me as funny. During the wedding part
of the mass, my brother announced he had a plaque/commondation
thingy from Pope John Paul II, blessing their sacred union.
(My brother is a very connected Catholic.)
He presented it to the happy couple over Ooohs and Ahhs.
Later at the reception, I asked the bride how they did it.
She laughed and said "We paid a LOT of money for it."
We know that President Clinton sold access for cash,
and we know Bob Dole sold access for cash, but aren't we
shocked to learn that Pope Paul VI, spiritual leader for
BILLIONS of Catholics worldwide, will bless you and send
a souvenir momento if the cash is right?
Now, are we allowed to say "Everyone does it?"
I can hear that shit Don Nickles now:
"We need the videotapes to see if a special prosecutor is
called for to find out if he raised money INSIDE the Vatican!"
God, I wish I was living in a different state...
Reasonable GOP Quotes
"We believe that the machine gun, sawed-off shotgun,
dangerous and deadly weapons should be included in any kind
of bill, and no matter how drastic, we will support it.
The organization I represent is absolutely favorable to
-- NRA Executive Vice-President Milton Reckord
testifying before Congress, 1934.
This just in...
CNN reports the song "Butterfly Kisses" is now a book.
Bernard Shaw asked why it was made into a book and was told
"So deaf people can hate it, too."
Monkey Mail Keeps Coming
Subject: stupid !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tommy! Tommy Babyyyyyyy!
Only seventeen exclamation points?
Where's your passion?
Dear I.Q. less than 60,
I agree with your politics, but you're such a
Don't you have any balls?
That shithead "Dick, the Foul-Mouthed Texan?"
If you had any brains,
if you were funny at all,
if you had any talent,
if you weren't such a pussy,
...he'd be "Armey, the Foul-Mouthed Dick."
I bow to thee.
From now on, he's "Armey, the Foul-Mouthed Dick."
Uhmmm... do you have any spare time?
Have you ever wanted to help write a newsletter?
April 20th is Hitler's birthday.
The E.I.B. Network announced Rush will be a rerun that day.
Our old buddy Bob Dole has been hired by Chile to represent
them AGAINST the United States in a fishing dispute.
"Senator Dole is playing for the visiting team, and we want
him back on the home team," said US Rep. Sherrod Brown.
Dole's law firm, Verner, Liipert, Bernhard and Hand said Dole
wouldn't personally do the lobbying. The firm said "others"
would be handling the matter with the GOP-controlled congress.
Still, Rep. Brown said, "the Chileans are paying for Bob Dole's
connections and his expertise."
Gee, that's almost like buying access...
but since the Republicans are in the majority, it's not a crime?
From the Sabutai News Network
An old lady calls 911 and says, "Help, send the police!
There's a Democrat playing with himself on my front porch."
"What?" the operator exclaimed.
"I said there's a Democrat on my porch playing with himself,"
she repeated. "Send the police right away!"
"How do you know he's a Democrat?" the operator asked.
"If he was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"
Senator Domenici Vs. Harold Ickes
But, as I always say, there's no shame in losing to the champ.
Domenici thought he'd defend the Reagan record.
He made a mistake, tugged on the wrong cape.
Dominici: I'm upset that you equate Reagan's White House
with Clinton's bunch. ....Is it fair?
Ickes: Give me $4.5 million and 100 investigators and let me
go through the Reagan record and we'll see what's fair!
Domenici stammered in frustration: In my opinion you violated
the law when you coordinated labor ads.
Ickes: We obeyed the law. If you don't like it, change it.
We don't know how much the Coathanger Coalition and the
NRA spent, but labor has to report what it spends.
Domenici, bleeding heavily from the nose and mouth:
"Oh, You're GOOD! You, Sir, are GOOD!" and wimpered away.
Harold Ickes has a job waiting for him at RL-LNW!!!
Rush says if you call him with your credit card number,
he'll only charge $40 to you and he'll subscribe you to his
cheap-ass, all-rerun newsletter of re-hashes and repeats.
As a "bonus," he'll send you a Limba Scholarship cap.
He promises liberals "will fear you" if you wear it.
Rush is telling the truth.
If I see a skel with a Limba Scholar cap coming towards me,
it'll certainly scare the hell out of me.
Great GOP Quotes
"I'm always voting for bills I haven't read. We usually don't
know what's in a bill until weeks later when my staff combs
through it to discover the details."
--Steve Largent, trying to justify his voting record
Great Demo Quotes
Rep. Bob Smith (NH - Bonehead) tried to trap Ickes.
Count the times Ickes said "I don't recall."
Smith pulled up a memo of a White House coffee
"Fundraiser - DNC" written on it by Ickes.
Smith, thinking he had a "smoking gun" questioned Ickes:
"Why did you write "fundraiser?"
"For filing purposes," Ickes responded.
"What's the REAL reason you wrote it."
"For filing purposes," Ickes repeated.
"Answer me!" snapped Smith to the always-ready Ickes.
"EAT ME!" was the Ickes response.
I called in sick to see this show live, and it was great.
Any liberal can chop the VERY best conservative into
little meatballs with no effort at all. My emasculation of
G.Gordon Liddy might be considered Exhibit "A." (tape avail.)
Watch the Ickes testimony for Exhibit "B.")
Only one way it could've been better -
If Ickes had asked Tennessee Tuxedo if he cried
when the Dunkin Donut man died.
You know who's lying?
NASA, that's who.
NASA says the hole in the Ozone shield is growing.
You know who else is lying?
The National Center for Atmospheric Research in Colorado.
They claim the Earth is getting warmer.
Another big, fat liar is Richard Willson at Columbia
University's Center for Climate Systems Research.
He thinks the greenhouse effect is serious.
Yep, they're alllllllllllll lying.
Every one of those people and organizations are liars.
Lying to themselves, to their families and to America...
And do you want to know why they're lying?
They're all lying to us because....
Somebody call Snoot Gingrich's office and find out why NASA
and the other scientists are lying to us all the time!
Bob Dornan is going back to Hollywood.
B-1 has agreed to star in the first feature release for
Phil Gramm's film company. The one-time actor is going
before the camera one more time to do "Cock-Fight,"
with Nancy Reagan.
We'll stay on this story.
Great GOP Lies
"I have never discussed the subject of abortion
anyone in my entire life, not even with my white wife."
--Clarence "Slappy" Thomas, big fat liar.
I always liked Howard Baker.
He's not a liar.
I've always thought of him as a man of his word.
He's not a nazi.
Far from it.
He's a decent guy.
He's not a whore.
...or is he?
Read this before you decide.
October 13, 1997
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- Former US Senator Howard Baker,
known as Choco-Chief-o-Staff to Reagan's two faces,
has been hired as a lobbyist by major tobacco companies,
the Knoxville News-Sentinel reported today.
Senate records show Baker, his law firm, and his lobbying firm
have been retained by tobacco companies Philip Morris,
R.J. Reynolds and Brown & Williamson, to lobby Congress.
Baker's firm was hired to lobby on behalf of the industry's
proposed $368 billion settlement with state attorneys general
for dozens of health-related lawsuits.
As the famous horse molester might say,
now you're going to read the Rest of The Story.
Baker's first wife, Joy, was a chain smoker who died of cancer.
She died in 1993 after an 11-year battle with lung cancer and
other health problems caused by cigarettes.
Let's compare Baker's actions to that of our next president.
Rush and the Republicans CONSTANTLY harp on the fact that
Al Gore's family had a tobacco farm in Tennessee.
That makes Gore a hypocrite, right?
He gave that tearful speech at the convention, yet,
his family once owned a tobacco farm.
There's only a few things Rush likes more than playing
snippets of Gore's sad speech along with clips of him saying
"I raised tobacco with these two hands."
One would be playing video of Clinton at Ron Brown's funeral.
(What could be more fun that mocking a man crying at
the funeral of a man he described as his "best friend?")
Typical lying, nazi whore ambush.
Has Rush ever constructed a scenario that wasn't a dirty-ambush?
It's like playing a recording of Frank Gifford saying,
"OJ Simpson is a really wonderful guy!" without bothering to
mention that he said it back in 1988, YEARS before the murders.
But, if you have no ethics at all, if you have no class at all,
if you're a bullying, throwback-asshole, you don't HAVE to
mention what year he said it.
Rush is God.
He doesn't HAVE to be fair.
Gore eventually said "No" to big tobacco.
This is 1997.
Clinton took over in 1993.
THINK what we've learned about tobacco in the last five years:
Because of people like Clinton, Synar, Kesler and Gore,
-WE NOW KNOW that the tobacco companies were ARTIFICIALLY
raising the levels of nicotine in cigarettes.
-WE NOW KNOW that they were INTENTIONALLY targeting children
to keep the money-niagra flowing in to their bank accounts.
-WE NOW KNOW they fucking KNEW their cigarettes were the
cause of so many hundreds of thousands of deaths each year.
With information like that, it's EASY to say no to big tobacco,
EASY to say no, ...unless of course,
you're a whore from a party of whores.
Baker lost, then learned from cigarettes, then joined.
Gore lost, then learned from cigarettes, then quit.
So, who's the whore?
Clinton put the cuffs on big tobacco...
He's making them pay billions for their illegal greed.
We owe Bill Clinton our gratitude.
And millions of your great-grandchildren owe their lives
to the courage of the Democrats and Bill Clinton in 1997.
Maybe America doesn't realize what they have now, but in 2075,
Clinton will be known as the best president America ever had.
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