Volume 115 - Wag The Aurora

 Great GOFP Quotes

 "I just don't believe Ken Starr's office would leak information."
    -- Rep. Dan Burton (R-Bonehead) on Fox News Sunday.

  Dan, don't worry.
  Starr hired OJ to help him find the "real" leaker.

 The GOFP says the public is immoral, stupid and easily fooled.

 Maybe that explains the Republican Congress...

 CNN's Very Rude Wolf-Boy asked:

 "Mr. President, Monica Lewinsky's life has changed forever,
 ...her family life has been changed forever... is there ...any message
 you would give to her, or is there anything you'd like to say to her?"

 Clinton had a good comeback, as always, but I wished he would've said:

 "Monica, you open your mouth too much..."

 Swear to Koresh...

 Monday night, the 9th, CNN says Clinton is UP 6 POINTS, 
 and now has a 79 PERCENT approval rating.

 ha ha

 It hurts when I laugh.


 I can't stand it.

 ha ha


 Ditto-monkeys are whining that Clinton didn't get UN permission
 for the Iraqi Mini-Series CNN has planned for February sweeps.

 "Butch formed a multi-national coalition," they say.
 "Clinton doesn't even HAVE a coalition."

 Hey, GOFP, open your eyes and learn from wise, old BartCop:

 Bill Clinton doesn't NEED help to kick Saddam's sorry ass.
 Bill Clinton doesn't NEED permission to kick Saddam's sorry ass.
 Shit, he doesn't really NEED permission from Snoot and Trent.

 ...Clinton's going to Wag the Aurora.

 Have I ever mentioned what a prick Rush Limba is?
 Rush fans should pay close attention to this.

 Last week, a ditto-head called in:

 Caller: Rush, I love you, and I love your show.
 But, I'd like to ask why you take a beautiful song
 like that "Titanic" song and ruin it fow everyone
 by splicing in all those Clinton accusations?

 Limba: Huh? You don't like that?  You don't like when I do that?
 You don't like it when I mangle a beautiful song by replaying a
 distorted version over and over until you never want to hear it again?
  Is that what has you upset?

 ...then, the son-of-a-bitch PLAYS the song again,
 needlessly needling that former fan, for two reasons.

 1. He can
 2. He gets to rub a fan's nose in it and show his  "superiority" in front of everyone

 If you listened last week, you know this happened.  Limba might be a sadistic bastard,
 but ditto-sheep love him. After all, what would they do without their "Maja-Rushie?"

 Like a big, fat bully, Rush lures sheep over the fence, then he sluaghters 'em - because he can.
 He jumps at the chance to fuck-over a former fan for asking a legitimate question about
 his trashing of a romantic song, again, because he can.

 How do you Rush fans tolerate that?
 How does the Bacon of Truth get away with that?

 Are conservatives low self-esteem by nature?

 Great TV Moments

 Meet the Whore, February 8th,

 Russert: Paul Begala, we can't get a straight answer from you or from this White House.
 Why can't you give me simple answers to simple questions?

 Begala: That's how you want to play?
 You want to walk down that path?
 OK, Tim, let's play that game.
 I have a question for you:

 Has NBC News received any false, illegal leaks from Kenneth Starr's office?

 Russert: ...I
 ...Here at NBC...
 ...I'm not free to comment on that...
 We're not here to talk about OUR lack of ethics...

 Begala: Gotcha, Big Boy!

 (Paul Begala almost needs BartCop's help.
 There are better ways to answer these fuct questions.

 Let me count the ways...

 -No matter WHAT we say, no matter WHAT answer we give,
 the press and the Republicans will say, on cue,
 "These new revelations raise many more questions..." and then they'll spend the next several weeks,
 ...what's that new phrase they made up? ..."parsing" the reply, taking apart every syllable of
 every word of every sentence and look for more "clues," like some kind of "Paul is Dead" contest.

 ...America's President is ABOVE playing that game.

 ha ha

 -Besides, why should Clinton respond to every false, illegal leak?

 "One false, illegal leak says you sexed a girl named Gennifer.
 If so, what kind of sex, Mr. President?
 How often, and how long each time?
 Who came first, Mr. President?
 The public has a right to know."

 "Another false, illegal leak says you sexed a girl named Monica.
 If so, what kind of sex?"

 ...and so on...

 Bill Clinton has prevented every nightly newscast from sounding
 like that last, ugly fifteen seconds.
 I'm proud of him.
 ..it would never end, and the networks would replay and replay
 their own shamless whores asking those same tacky questions
 over and over as "proof" they got the scoop.

 -Judge Starr is a walking, illegal-lie-leaking bastard.

 Item: The stained dress?
  According to Monica's lawyer, it doesn't exist.

 Item: The eye witness to "the crime?"
 Doesn't exist.

 Item: The president's voice on the phone machine tape?
 There is no tape. Her lawyer said so.
 Don't you think he would know?

 None of this "evidence" exists, but the press hos say
 Clinton's not being "forthcoming" because he doesn't have
 a monolog for every false, illegal, Starr leak that gets out.
 Hey, you press people - Eat me!

 -The best answer so far was Lonny Davis's reply to Larry King:
 "Mad-dog prosecutor Kenneth Starr has  unlimited power,
 unlimited money, unlimited time, unlimited ambition,
 ...and you want us to volunteer information to him?"

 Back to Tim Russert and his questions:

 Russert: When Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood were accused,
 women's groups were up-in-arms. Now, they're silent.
 Can you explain their "selective outrage?

 (God, you gotta get me on Meet the Press.)

 BartCop: Tim, I can't explain ANY goddamn thing to your smug ass, but Clarence
 was an unqualified bimbo picked by the same president who decided Dan Quayle
 was the most qualified man in the ENTIRE UNITED STATES,
 and Slappy was up for an APPOINTMENT to a LIFETIME position.

 (Hold on, I need a drink after that...)

 Let's go over that one more time, because it's important:

 George Herbert Traitor Butch, with a straight face,
 said the Indiana Spud was the "most qualified man" in
 this entire country to take over should George catch
 a chicken bone in his throat, and he thinks Stymie
 was the best pick for the Supreme Court?

 We need to make DAMN sure that porno-addict-appointees are
 qualified to make decisions that'll affect us for decades.

 As far as Bob Packwood, he was accused by over twenty
 members of his own hand-picked campaign staff.
 So, what's his defense?
 "Never trust a Republican?"
 Packwood can't scream "conspiracy" when twenty of his own
 supporters "blow the whistle," pun intended.

 "Selective outrage?"
 Only to those who buy their Woolite by the case.

 (Let's remember - Tim Russert's salary is paid for, in part,
 by Archer-Daniels-Midland, old Bob Dole's former mistress,
 the most crooked giant corporation in the United States.)

 To Armey, the foul-mouthed Dick:

 "If you can get your entire vocabulary on a post card,
   why shouldn't you want to file your income tax the same way."
   -- Barney Frank, telling the foul-mouthed Dick to be quiet

 Today, the 10th, Judge Starr had Monica's poor mother
 hauled in before his all-powerful grand jury.

 What can SHE testify to?

 Starr gave her two choices:

 1. Testify that your daughter is a sodomite


 2. Watch her go to jail, and maybe you, too

 I saw some dude's web page last night,
 It had dark red text on an electric-blue background.

 My eyes gushed water like crazy.
 I haven't wept that much since the Reagan video in San Diego.

 Why DO people use text with a contra-indicated background?
 That pisses me off.

 ...I'm done now.

 Great GOFP Quotes

 "Let's just stick to the facts, shall we?"
    -- Judge Starr, illegal-lie-leaker

 The following joke was sent to me.
 I did not write it.
 I do not know who did.
 Someone funny wrote it.
 I stole it.
 I can't help it.
 I'm a liberal.
 (For Tim)


 I saw a man standing on the edge of a bridge, about to jump off.
 I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

 "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
 I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
 "Like what?"

 "Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

 "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

 "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

 "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

 "Me too! Are you Church of God or Church of the Lord?"
 "Church of God."

 "Me too! Are you Original or Reformed Church of God?"

 "Me too! Are you Reformed reformation of 1909,
 or Reformed reformation of 1915?"

 "Reformed reformation of 1915!"

 So, I said,
 "Jump, you son-of-a-bitch."

 From: fskey@bombsburst.com

 Subject: I'm a fan

 BartCop, love the e-mag.
 I wrote this. What do you think?

 Oh thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
 Between their loved home and the war's desolation
 Blest with victory and peace may the heav'n rescued land
 Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
 Then conquer we must when our cause it is just,
 And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."
 And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.


 BartCop: Frank, I'm not real strong on federal prayer,
 but I like the general direction you're heading.

 Killer Rush Quotes

 "Bill Clinton will never be impeached.
 The House doesn't have the courage to do it.
 Do you realize Clinton could suffer a 20-point free-fall
 in the polls and STILL be at 59 percent?"
   --  Rush Limba, telling the truth, Feb 10, 1998

 ha ha


 My ribs are sore...


 Somewhere in my files I have mis-located the story of the night
 Mona Charen lost her virginity, ...from the waist up.

 I shall continue the search,
 because it was a good story, as I remember.

 Great GOFP Quotes

 "In politics you don't have real friends.
   You only have people who agree to fuck you slower."
       -- Kenneth Starr, wishing he'd taken the Pepperdine job...

 Remember that wild fact-finding mission the RL-LNW staff
 volunteered for (see RL-LNW Vol 92) last year in Las Vegas?

 If you remember, I said it was a four-pronged mission.



 Yet my report (RL-LNW Vol 94) mentioned only three prongs.

 Since we are about to go to war, I'm going to reveal
 ...the fourth, secret prong of my report.

 Like a lot of you subscribers and lurkers, the staff here at RL-LNW are science-fiction fans.
 We like Star Trek and the X-Files ...and ...we liked Independence Day.

 The last night we were in Las Vegas, an old college friend
 asked us if we wanted to see the UFO's at Area 51.

 ?? Hello ??

 We said yes, and he plotted a course.
 (Quick, go get a map of Nevada.)

 North on I-15 about 25 miles to Nevada Highway 93 North.
 We stayed on 93 about 80 minutes at 80 mph.
 Just north of Ash Springs, you intersect with Nevada 375.
 They call this the "Extra Terrestrial Highway."

 (Stay with me now, swear to Koresh.
 Regulars know when I swear to Koresh, it's all true.)

 You go west on Nevada 375 about 35 minutes.
 On your left, if you're paying attention, you'll see an unmarked
 dirt road that leads southwest, toward old, dry Groom Lake.
 This is an access road to the Area 51 section of Nellis A.F.B.

 ...and I'm not kidding.

 We drove down this dusty road about 15 miles or so.
 A few miles in, we noticed we were being tailed by a Nevada County Sherrif's Jeep Cherokee.
 We thought we'd be pulled over, but he only got close enough to read our license plate.
 He must've run a check and discovered we rented the Town Car.
 (a nice red one, Gordo)

 Perhaps we seemed like harmless tourists, so he fell back.
 As we drove further, we saw listening devices aimed at the road.
 The federal government was tracking our car vibrations.

 Then came the cool part:

 A few more miles later we saw a sign.
 Having grown up in America, I've never seen a sign like this.
 I cannot tell you the exact wording of the sign,
 (which surprises me) but the sign basically said:

 "Restricted Area - Military Installation.
   If you go past this sign, you MAY BE SHOT without warning."

 THAT got 'ol BarCop's attention.
 I've never seen a sign like that before.
 I grew up in America.

 The sign explained in great detail that we were approaching
 a secret, military, off-limits area, and they were NOT kidding.

 I, always the voice of sanity and reason,
 stayed on THIS side of the death-without-warning sign.
 However, our guide stepped a few feet past the sign.
 He was not harmed.

 Just then, a gang of ruffians, four or so, started hassling us from about 50 yards away.
 They were off to our right, drunk, yelling at us, but making no sense.

 Then, I remembered: I was not armed.
 Your ediotr is the most dangerous kind of liberal:
 For ...reasons... that aren't explained here, your ediotr is constantly armed.

 I have a Glock in my car,
 a Glock by the bed,
 a S&W in my desk at work,
 a Colt .38 in Mrs. BartCop's car,
 and a derringer for the occasional poker game.

 Since we were approaching a secret military installation,
 ...since we EXPECTED to be detained or arrested...,
 I left "Baby" back at The Mirage.

 It was the first day since mid-1986 that I did not have a
 firearm nearby, and it was a feeling I didn't like.
 Being "nearly-manaced" by some local-yokel drunks who,
 before the end of the night, might need dying,...and I'm unarmed.

 So, we "retreated with honor" back a couple of miles
 up the dirt road, ...just as the sun was setting.

 (Here comes the really cool part.)

 Once it got dark, we saw moving lights in the sky.
 I'm talking about unidentified flying objects.
 No, we didn't see any little green men.

 Uhmmm... have you ever seen something that couldn't be?
 Have you ever stared at something that couldn't exist?

 Let me tell you what we DID see:

 We were lucky that it was a new moon, meaning NO moon - nothing.
 That means it was absolutely, completely, totally dark.

 Even after several minutes, you couldn't see your hand
 in front of your face. The visibility of the stars was bright.
 The night sky was completely and absolutely black.
 As we stared at the blanket of stars above us, we looked
 southwest, towards Area 51, and we saw something.

 We saw the lights of what appeared to be aircraft taking off.
 Even at this distance, the lights were very, very clear.
 Trust me, a new moon evening in the deserts of Nevada
 is darker than Snoot Gingrich's heart on Christmas morning.

 But what we saw was, up till that moment, non-existent:
 We saw these aircraft perform aerodynamic maneuvers that were,
 trust me if you've EVER trusted ol' BartCop, im-possible.

 These lights were making turns that MODEL planes can't make.
 I mentioned "Wag the Aurora."
 Have you heard about the Aurora?
 It's the Windows '98 version of the invisible B-2 bomber.

 I'm telling you, Koresh as my witness,
 we watched these can't-possibly-exist planes for hours.
 These jets turn tighter than anything I've ever seen,
 by a factor of at least ten or twenty times.

 If I was a "more better writer," this would make more sense.
 One way to explain it would be to imagine an ice cream cone that
 was dropped on the ground on a August afternoon in Texas.
 Now wait five minutes.

 You see those flies buzzing around the ice cream?
 They can land on the ice cream, then take off and go a few
 inches then come back...in just a few seconds.
 That's what these jets were doing.
 Leaving a spot and returning in just a few seconds.

 The lights usually were grouped in twos.

 Craft A would loop around Craft B, and I'm talking about
 B holding relatively still while A circled it twice in maybe
 three or four seconds. Then A would hold still while B circled
 around it. It appeared to be just what we suspected it was:

 Two extremely skilled pilots playing with jets from the future.
 The whole exercise seemed to be nothing more than getting familiar
 with the controls and practice dogfighting maneuvers.

 After a while, there were so many of these planes in the sky,
 Mrs. BartCop was saying "Look over here" while I was saying
 "No, look over here!" At one point, we saw maybe 30 pairs of
 these UFO's all screaming around the sky. They were making
 turns and stops that aircraft simply cannot do.

 I remember reading that when Israel's jets go full-throttle,
 they had to fly over several countries just to turn around.
 These babies turn on dimes.
 Plus, they sometimes appear to stop.
 Invisible warships that move like hummingbirds?
 (Excuse me, I need another drink.)

 So, the three of us were unsure of what to think.

 The local, brand-new Texaco station was about 30 miles away.
 We drove there for a break and I walked in and sorta...
 ...brought up the subject of the "funny" lights in the sky.

 I realized I was bonehead-tourist-boy, on the "ET Highway,"
 asking what's up with the flying saucers, but I asked anyway.
 The lady behind the Texaco counter said:

 "OH, yeah. Those lights are out most every night.
   We sit on the front lawn and watch them."

 So here I am - BartCop, logicitian, wondering why this story
 isn't on Hard Copy or Entertainment Tonight.

 Anyone in Las Vegas with a car and $30 in gas can see them.
 Why don't people talk about this?

 Do I think it's a flying saucer?

 Do I think it's a spooky, Area 51 deal?
 Duh - we saw them fly for hours.
 It was amazing.
 It's a secret, next-generation jet.

 This bad mother smokes!

 We saw aircraft take off in maybe, five-second increments.
 Think how unusual that is.
 From this great distance, we saw a jet take off, then another,
 then another and another in a row like a roman candle firing.

 My buddy Braintree suggested we were probably looking at lasers
 or lights of some kind, projected from the ground.
 No, I know aircraft lights when I see them.
 These lights were connected to a flying machine.

 Remember, this is swear to Koresh stuff.

 Would you like to see a photo from the future?

 Being the agnostic that I am, seeing something unusual in the sky  that cannot be explained
 by any known physics, is as close to a religious experience as I'm likely to get on this Earth.

 When your friends tell you Las Vegas is really something at night, they don't know the
 REAL show is about one hundred crow-flies miles north, northeast of downtown.
 If you get a chance to go to Las Vegas, check the calender for a new moon.

 If there's clouds or any light at all, you won't get to see much. But if you're there
 on a clear, dark night, you're going to see what the super-secret boys have been
 working on since the last time we kicked Saddam's ass.

 Think: What was your computer like in 1990?
 Think how far computers have come in the last 8 years.
 Now think how far our military computers must've come.

 Saddam, we've got a little something for you.

 Last time, our invisible jets were on their way back to their
 carriers while your "elite" troops were still firing at the
 SOUND the jets made a few miles back, minutes ago.

 ha ha

 Back in 1990, 15-18 MiGS were no match for a single American F-15.
 Guess what, Camelboy!

 That little 486 processor from 1990 has a big brother.

 Saddam's about to see what a Pentium V can do when powering the computer of
 an invisible American warship that can turn in a 200-foot radius, instead of sixty miles.

 Plus, you're not dealing with a wimp this time.

 Christ, Clinton's approval is at 79 percent BEFORE this war,
 and he's looking for a distraction - a BIG one.

 This time, Saddam, it's your ass.

Other Issues: [Index] - [Prev] - [Next] - [First] - [Last] - [Discussion Area]

Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!

Rush Limbaugh Sucks Web Ring
Prev5 * Prev * Next * Next5 * Random * List

Discussion AreaFeedBackSyMapHome Page

People before Lawyers


Privacy Policy
. .